504: Camp Fear

Written by Jonathan Greenberg
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)

(opening theme song)

(Exterior view of Morgendorffer home. Cut to view in kitchen sink drain, looking up at Jake holding a flashlight in one hand and using salad tongs in the other to fish for something in the drain)

Jake - Damn salad tongs!

(Daria walks up behind Jake)

Daria - Wristwatch trying to make a break for it again?

Jake - Lousy stupid watch just slipped off the counter without any provocation!

(Jake turns and smiles)

Jake - Hey, Daria. You've got small hands.

Daria - But my big brain tells me not to stick them into garbage disposals.

Jake - Why do they always put these stupid drains right in the middle of the sink anyway? (pulls hand away) Oww!

(Quinn enters carrying letter)

Quinn - Dad! Guess what? Camp Grizzly is having a fifth-year reunion.

Daria - Quick, put on CNN so we can catch the action as it unfolds.

(Helen enters with letter, hands it to Daria)

Helen - Daria, you got an invitation, too.

(Daria opens letter)

Helen - And Jake, you got another one of those John Wayne collectable coins.

(Helen hands Jake a package, which he opens and pulls out a coin)

Jake - Rio Bravo! I'll going to put this one up next to Rio Lobo. Huh? Looks a little like Rio Grande.

Daria - Darn. This reunion is next weekend, and I already promised Prince Charming I'd go to the ball.

Quinn - Well, I'm going. I can't wait to see the friends I made in my days of childish innocence, before high school and its web of complicated and competitive relationships. When just being girls together was enough.

Daria - Have you been watching Little Women again?

Jake - You know, The Duke made a movie called, Big Jake. (John Wayne imitation) Well, pilgrim.

Helen - Daria. Don't you have the slightest urge to relive your old camp memories?

Daria - Why would I want to return to a place where I was flatteringly referred to as "The Weird Kid?"

Helen (sighs) - Very well. I can't make you go. Besides, Dad and I could really use some help cleaning out the garage next weekend.

Daria - Speaking of forced labor...

Jake - We're cleaning out the garage?

Helen - We are now.

Jake - But what happened to the weekend at the Country Inn?

Helen - I told you, I have to work Saturday, the Inn is out.

Jake - Stupid, lousy...!

(Metallic click heard)

Jake - Dammit! My new coin just slipped down the disposal without any provocation!

Daria - Hey, Quinn, you've got small hands.

(Exterior view of Lane home, cut to basement with Mystik Spiral set up to practice. Trent and Nick hold guitars, Max is behind his drums and Jesse is seated on a cushion holding a sitar)

Max - I'm not playing with that...thing!

Jesse - It's not a thing, it's a sitar. It sounds very spiritual, chicks love that crap.

Max - Dude! We're the Spiral! We're not spiritual, we're hardcore!

Nick - Spiritual? Are we doing a gig at a church?

Jesse - Man, we have to experiment or we'll get stale. You know, if a shark doesn't keep swimming, it just stands still.

Max - We're not a damn fish. Right Trent?

Trent - Um, I don't know, guys.

Max - The Spiral rocks on its own.

(Max, Nick and Jesse argue and Trent walks away)

(View of television screen showing a patient in a hospital room, with a surveillance camera focused on him)

SSW Announcer - What kind of sicko voyeur would set up a hidden camera in an Intensive Care Unit? The peek-a-boo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Jane and Daria sitting on Jane's bed, watching television)

Jane - Come on, camp's not so bad. At least you didn't have to spend summers on a commune with your parents' friends.

Daria - Your parents' friends didn't make you hop a mile in a burlap sack.

Jane - Your camp counselors didn't make you make a burlap sack.

Daria - Skip Stevens, the self-proclaimed Big-Man-On-Camp, never made you sing; "We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly, you're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly."

Jane (momentarily quiet) - I was going to bring up the composting next, but I know when I'm beat.

(Trent enters)

Trent - Hey.

Jane - Let me guess, you woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.

Trent - It's not just that, it's Spiral. I think we're past our prime.

Jane - I believe you're supposed to hit your prime before you pass it, but okay.

Trent - Maybe we should just break up.

Jane - Trent, think about what you're saying. You're talking about your primary means of unemployment.

Trent - Yeah, think. That's what I need to do. Get away and think.

Jane - Hey, why don't Trent and I give you a ride to your reunion? We can hang out in the sticks while you're leading the color war. A waste of time will be had by all.

Trent - Hmm.

Daria - There's just one catch.

Jane - What's that?

(View through windshield of "The Tank," Trent is driving, Quinn is in passenger seat, Daria and Jane in back)

Quinn - Eww! Look how dirty those sheep are! From now on, I buy only imported sweaters. God, I bet there's not an outlet store within a hundred miles. Not that anyone would know what to buy after living out here for so long. Huh, some people are beyond help.

Daria - I was just thinking the same thing.

Trent - Anyway, as I was saying, we've lost our inspiration. I always said I'd get out of music before I became a cliché.

Jane - I don't remember you ever saying that.

Trent - Not in words, in my solos.

(The Tank turns off road at sign for Camp Grizzly)

Quinn - Stop here, I have to get out.

Daria - Couldn't you have told us this two hours ago?

Quinn - Ha. And don't worry about taking me home, I'll find my own ride.

Jane - She didn't say that just to get our hopes up, did she?

(Tank continues down driveway to camp while Quinn walks, and then pulls into a parking space. Daria, Jane and Trent exit. Cut to Quinn approaching three girls)

Cindy - Quinn!

Quinn - Tracy, Cindy, Tatiana! Hey, can I have a ride home?

Daria - Great, just like I remembered.

(Wavy line transition to flashback. Helen, Jake and younger Daria step out of a light blue sedan parked in the same spot as the Tank)

Helen - Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.

Daria - Let's hope.

(Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria)

Daria - Hey!

Helen - Now where's Quinn?

Jake - Dammit! I knew we forgot something.

(Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside)

Helen - Come on, Quinn. We're here.

(Helen opens door)

Quinn - I don't want to go to camp! (Helen pulls Quinn from car) I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack!

(Quinn runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana)

Quinn - Look, I have the same backpack.

Tracy - Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.

Quinn - Um, I like your hair.

Cindy - Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?

Tatiana - She's so pale

Quinn - That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.

(View of Daria next to car, unhappy and rolling eyes away. Wavy line transition to present day)

Daria - And I've been her distant cousin ever since.

Jane - So this is where it all began.

Daria - Speaking of unpleasant memories.

(Amelia enters)

Amelia - Daria? Is that you?

Daria - No, I'm a decoy to flush out assassins. (sighs) Hi, Amelia.

Amelia - Thank God! I was afraid you weren't coming, and then there would be no reason for me to come, because I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. What's new?

Jane - Hmm. Daria having a secret fan club is pretty new.

Trent - Really.

Amelia - You have a fan club? Cool!

Jane - Daria, when I met you, you said you were a big outcast who nobody liked. Has our whole life together been a lie?

(View of Daria frowning)

Skip (VO) - Hey, Grizzlies!

(Skip enters with pile of t-shirts, which he hands out)

Skip - Skip Stevens, Alumni Coordinator. Grab a Grizzly t-shirt.

Amelia (pointing to Jane and Trent) - But they didn't go here.

Skip- Camp Puma, I should have known. (takes shirts back) Ha, nice try, kitty-cats, but Grizzlies rule! Grroowl! Go Grizzlies!

Jane - You know, we really should be going.

Skip - Now come on, let's see some camp spirit. Put these Pumas in their place.

Trent - Yeah, we better hit the road.

(Jane and Trent get into The Tank and leave)

Skip - Come on! I'll start us off! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!


(Exterior view of Morgendorffer home with the garage door open. Helen and Jake are in the garage, going through boxes)

Jake (VO, voice muffled) - Hey, honey!

Helen - Ah!

(Jake is wearing SCUBA gear and pulls mouthpiece away, laughing)

Jake - I'd forgotten we'd had all this stuff! It must have been ages ago that we went SCUBA diving. I can't even remember it.

Helen - Memory sure is a funny thing.

Jake - When was that, Helen?

Helen - Gee, um, I don't recall. (nervous laugh)

Jake - I remember going to that diving school and getting certified. Lousy chlorine poisoning! 'Cause we were taking that two-week vacation in the Caribbean and then...oh, yeah. Now I remember, you couldn't go, you had some merger or something and we had to postpone the trip.

Helen - Oh, um yes, that's right.

Jake - We never did reschedule it.

Helen - We didn't? (points) Oh, look, a scooter!

(Jake looks in that direction and then turns back to Helen, frowning)

(Exterior view of a rustic building with General Store on the roof. The Tank is parked outside. Cut to interior view showing Jane and Trent checking out and a man in overalls and a baseball cap behind the counter)

Earl - Will this be all for you?

Trent - Yeah.

Earl - Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there.

Jane - Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing.

Earl (chuckles) - Oh, no. It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put into the cookies. You know what I mean?

Jane - Oh, sure. You're saying you have echolalia. Echolalia.

Trent - I know what you mean. The two bucks isn't for the ingredients. The cookie's valuable because of the part of yourself that went into it.

Earl - Right!

Trent - Man, that's something to think about.

Jane - This part of yourself...it wasn't one of the squishier organs, was it?

Earl - Right now, we're trying to come up with the perfect potato chip. You kids interested in potato chips?

Jane - Not really.

Trent - Yeah.

(Jane glares at Trent)

(Mr. Potts and Skip are on the porch of a camp building, the reunion attendees gather around)

Mr. Potts (into microphone) - Before we begin our hike... (looks at Skip) Is this thing on? Hello?

Skip - It's on, Mr. Potts!

Mr. Potts - Thank you, Skip.

Skip - No, thank you, Mr. Potts!

Mr. Potts (sighs) - We're real glad to see all these former Grizzlies at the reunion. And, when the time comes that you have cubs of your own, we hope they'll be proud to say, "I'm a Grizzly, grr." (weak laugh) Everyone ready for a hike?

(Faint muttering from crowd)

Skip - He said, "Is everyone ready for a hike?"

(Slightly louder muttering from crowd)

Daria - I wish Skip would take a hike.

Amelia (laughs) - You're funny, Daria. Hey, where's your t-shirt?

Daria - I'm not wearing it.

(crowd begins wandering off)

Amelia - I guess we better join them.

Daria - You go ahead. I don't want to scare the other hikers with my limp.

Amelia - Hmm. Do you think they'd mind if I stayed here, too?

Daria - Amelia, have you ever played Monopoly?

Amelia - Of course, why?

Daria - You're not in camp any more. You're just visiting. Do what you want.

Amelia - Cool! I'm staying with you.

Daria - Great.

(They exit, cut to Daria and Amelia seated at picnic table with Daria reading a book)

Amelia - This reminds me of the time you boycotted the End-of-Summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool.

Daria - Actually, I wasn't invited.

Amelia - Oh. (pause, then laugh) Remember the time you took off on your horse and left us all behind.

Daria - You mean the time the time the horse ran off with me on it and tossed me in the river, and I had to have nine stitches?

Amelia - Oh, right. Hey, remember that awful game with the watermelon?

(Daria looks very cross)

(Wavy line transition to young Daria, Amelia and Skip with other campers dressed in swimwear on the end of a dock. Mr. Potts looks on)

Mr. Potts - We've greased the watermelon with extra vaseline this time. (laughs)

Skip - You guys are dead meat. (points) Dead meat.

Mr. Potts - Easy there, Skip. Now, after I blow the whistle, whichever team brings the watermelon ashore gets to eat it. Ready, Grizzlies?

Skip - Let's go, team. Let's kick their butts!

(Campers line up on edge of dock, Mr. Potts blows whistle and all but Daria jump or dive in. Skip looks back)

Skip - Come on, slacker!

(Skip grabs Daria's hand and pulls her in the water, sending her glasses flying)

(Wavy line transition to Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana hiking with other attendees)

Tracy - I can't believe they're making us hike like this.

Cindy - I know, it's not like they ever did this stuff when we were campers.

Quinn - Actually, um, they did have hikes. We just didn't go, remember?

Tatiana - Oh, yeah.

Tracy - That's right. A camper has to know when active is too active. Like, now.

(Amid general consents, all four sit on the grass)

Cindy - Hey, this reminds me of that watermelon game.

Quinn - Oh, yeah.

(Wavy line transition to the four younger girls in swimsuits on beach chairs while Skip runs up to them from the water)

Skip - Hey, you're supposed to be chasing the greasy watermelon!

Tracy - Skip, we don't do greasy.

Skip - You guys have no camp spirit.

(Skip exits)

Tracy - Geek.

Quinn - I wonder who'll bring us the watermelon today?

(three boys run out of the water carrying a watermelon)

Cindy - Billy.

Tracy - Bobby.

All Four - Benjy.

(Boys begin fighting over the watermelon, followed by wavy line transition to present)

Quinn - I loved that game.

(Helen and Jake in garage, Jake holds up a hiking backpack)

Jake - We never did take that camping trip. You know why?

Helen - The combustible ketchup lawsuit. Thought we were going to win that one, too.

Jake - And what about the ski vacation! Or that bicycle tour? We didn't go on those either, because someone had to work!

Helen - Well forgive me if I can't always get away.

Jake - Can't always? Look around. (picks up ski pole) The word is never. Never! Never! Never! (Sweeps arms and knocks stacked objects over) Damn skis!

(Exterior view of country house with the Tank parked beside it, cut to interior, Earl, Trent and Jane seated at table, Barbara brings over a plate of sandwiches)

Earl - There ya go. Bread and cheese slices. Told you my wife could cook.

Barbara - Oh, Earl. There's nothing special about cheese sandwiches.

Jane - I'll say.

Barbara - It's just simple, wholesome food, and ain't no shame in simple if it's good.

Trent - Wow. That's really, really true.

(Jane takes sandwich and bites into it)

Barbara - You kids think you might want another sandwich before your potato chip taste test?

(After chewing, Jane removes plastic cheese-slice wrapper from mouth)

Jane - That depends, are you going to unwrap the cheese this time?

Barbara - Sure thing, if Earl will help me.

Earl (gets up) - That's a great idea!

(Earl and Barbara exit)

Jane - Why the hell did you agree to try their potato chips? You think the in-breeding adds to the flavor?

Trent - These people know something Janey. Their full of country wisdom.

Jane - They're full of undigested cellophane.

Trent - They can help me figure out where Spiral went wrong.

Jane - You guys needed a break from each other, that's all. Jesse gets on Nick's nerves, Nick gets on Max's nerves, you get on Jesse's nerves.

Trent - Janey, that's crazy talk. How could I ever get on anyone's nerves?

(Earl and Barbara return with another plate of sandwiches)

Earl - Guess what?

Barbara - We figured as long as we were unwrapping the cheese, we'd let the bread thaw out, too.

(Long shot of Camp Grizzly. Attendees are seated at picnic tables or lined up at a large barbeque grill that Skip is cooking at)

Skip - Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare, medium, but always well-done.

(Daria and Amelia walk up to other side of grill with plates holding hamburger buns. Daria picks up a burger with a fork and places it on bun)

Skip - Hey! What are you doing?

Daria - Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat.

Skip - No-one takes a burger until I say so. I've got a whole system here. It's all timed to perfection.

Daria - I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy.

(Skip uses spatula to take burger from Daria and put it back on grill)

Skip - That one's yours, you touched it. I'll let you know when it's ready.

Daria - Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer.

(Daria and Amelia walk away and sit at a table)

Amelia - Wow, Daria. Aren't you afraid you'll make him mad?

Daria - What do I care?

Amelia - Well, he is like the boss of the camp.

Daria - No, he's not. He's the self-proclaimed dictator of a non-existent empire. What's really infuriating is how these artificial societies are made for these petty tyrants.

Amelia - Artificial societies?

Daria - You know, when you're forced to co-exist with people you'd never seek out on your own. Camp, school...life.

Amelia - Yeah.

Daria - Half these people can't stand Skip, but no-one wants to be the first to challenge him and risk alienation. So, we follow the herd and end up leading lives of quiet desperation.

(Daria opens book and begins reading)

Amelia - At least we're not doing that, Daria. (pause) Daria? Did you hear what I said? At least we're not following the crowd.

Daria - Amelia, look at yourself.

Amelia - What?

Daria - You've been following me around since I got here.

Amelia - So?

Daria - So you're right. I don't want to be part of a crowd, and I don't want my own crowd, either. Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practice being an individual?

Amelia (surprised) - God, Daria. I was really looking forward to seeing you. I thought we were friends, but you don't like anybody!

(Amelia gets up and leaves)

Daria - Amelia.

(Skip on porch with microphone)

Skip - Attention Grizzlies! You know what time it is? Anthem time! Everybody! We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly.

(A few voices join in singing)

Skip and others - You're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly.


(Jane and Trent are seated at table with a large bowl of potato chips in front of them while Barbara and Earl stand nearby. Trent is blindfolded and Barbara feeds him a chip)

Barbara - I'll give you a chip and you try to guess what flavor it is.

Trent (chews) - Hmm. I don't really taste anything.

Barbara - You hear that, Earl? He doesn't really taste anything.

Earl - Try another.

Trent (eats another chip) - No, still don't taste anything.

Earl - All right!

Jane (eats chip) - Forgive me for asking, but what flavor are these? Because I don't taste anything either.

(Trent removed blindfold)

Barbara - No flavor. See, what's wrong with potato chips today, they fight the dip! That's why these have no salt, no grease, no taste. It's like having a piece of paper in your mouth. They don't fight the dip!

Jane - I can see where you two would come down on the side of the dip.

Trent - Wait a minute. Why make potato chips with no taste? I'm getting confused.

Jane - Nothing confusing about it, Trent. It's simple; backwoods junk food has nothing to do with music.

Trent - Hmm.

Earl - Hey, you guys ready to try some of our home-bottled water?

(Earl goes to sink and fills a bottle from the tap)

(Jake and Helen in garage)

Jake - Maybe I'll just move to a rest home and wait for you to retire. Maybe then you'll find the time to spend half and hour with ole Jakey!

(Jake kicks box. After a pause, picks up a black negligee with a blue ribbon)

Helen - Put that down! It's not even your size.

Jake - Damn right! And what prepaid vacation was this for!

Helen - Actually, Jake. It was going to be a surprise. I booked a cabin for last Valentine's Day, but you had to go to that dot-com dot-com convention instead. So you see, it's not always my schedule that gets in the way!

Jake - Oh yeah! (looks at negligee) You were going to surprise me? (holds out negligee) Really?

Helen - Yes, I was. Believe it or not, I still have some romance left in me, dammit.

Jake - You're beautiful when your angry.

(Helen reaches over to caress Jake's arm and at the same time, pulls keys from pocket)

Helen - Do you mean it, Big Jake?

(She pushes remote and garage door closes, followed by sound of crashing objects)

Jake (VO) - Damn skis!

(Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana sitting at picnic table)

Tracy - So I said, "I don't care how dangerous it is, I will not go out in a boat wearing one of those unflattering orange-colored things."

(All laugh)

Cindy - Hey, remember that stupid square dance?

Quinn - Oh, that? Alex Kroger and I ditched it and went down to the beach.

Tracy - Quinn, did I hear you say Alex Kroger?

Quinn - Yeah. Too bad he didn't make the reunion.

Tracy - Alex Kroger? My date for that dance? I waited for him all night.

(Quinn briefly looks embarrassed and shrugs)

Quinn - Hey, guys. Remember those key chains we made in arts and crafts? (nervous laugh)

(Tracy stands and tosses two quarters on the table)

Tracy - Here's fifty cents. Call Alex and ask him for a ride home.

(Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana exit)

Tatiana - Sorry, Quinn.

Quinn (heavy sigh) - So much for being girls together.

(Skip on porch with Mr. Potts, attendees scattered in front of them)

Skip - Before I recount some of my favorite Camp Grizzly memories, let's give it up for the Greatest Grizzly of them All, Mr. Potts!

(Light clapping)

Skip - I can't hear you!

(A little more clapping)

Skip - I also want to thank all my teammates in the color wars over the years. In seven years of being a Grizzly, I never lost a war!

(Daria sits at table with dejected Amelia)

Daria - Gee, maybe I misjudged him.

(Amelia scowls and goes up to Skip)

Skip - Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!

(Amelia takes microphone from Skip)

Amelia - Hold on! I want to say something.

Skip - Hey! I'm talking!

(Amelia pushes him away)

Amelia - You're always talking. Give someone else a chance.

(Scattered calls from audience supporting Amelia)

Amelia - Since I've been coming to this camp, I've been doing whatever Skip tells me to. Even when I didn't want to or thought it was stupid.

Skip - Hey!

(More calls from audience)

Amelia - And I never challenged him or said anything because I didn't want to risk being alienated from the group.

Daria - Oh, no.

Amelia - So I learned to keep quiet, to just follow the herd, to lead a life of quiet desperation.

Skip - That's enough!

(Audience louder in support of Amelia)

Amelia - But I'm not going to do that anymore! Because, returning to Camp Grizzly meant renewing my acquaintance with someone special, a role model, an inspiration.

Daria - Please don't say my name.

Amelia - Daria Morgendorffer. (pause) You know, the Weird Kid?

(Audience responds, "Oh, yeah")

Amelia - Sure, she's unpleasant, sure, she's antisocial, sure, she says whatever's on her mind without any regard for other's feelings. But, at least she thinks for herself and marches to her own drummer.

(View pans across audience listening intently)

Amelia (VO) So for now on, I'm going to start thinking for myself. Just like Daria, and I don't care if I end up like her, with no friends.

(Amelia on porch with Skip and Mr. Potts)

Amelia - I don't ever want to see this stupid campground again!

(Crowd cheers)

Skip (takes microphone) - You can't just get up here and rag on Camp Grizzly! If you're not part of the team, go hang out with your loser, weirdo friend.

Amelia (takes microphone back) - I don't want to be a part of your team, Skip. And I don't think anyone here really does. (She removes t-shirt) So here's your Grizzly t-shirt back!

(Amelia shoves shirt and microphone at Skip and walks off the porch. Crowd cheers and take off shirts, all throwing them at Skip)

Skip - What are you doing? Mr. Potts, make them stop! They're defiling the Grizzly name.

Mr. Potts - Skip, you take all this way too seriously. This is a camp. A place parents send their kids to get them out of their hair for a few weeks. Don't make it your whole life.

Skip (whimpering) - I wanna go home!

(View of attendees standing around camp)

Amelia - I'm really glad you liked my speech, Daria. Um, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Daria - Hey, it takes more than just words to hurt me, unless they happen to be particularly truthful words strung together in exceptionally observant sentences.

(Girl walks up)

Girl - Amelia, thanks for telling off that jerk, and Daria, I guess I never knew you to be such an inspiration.

(Jane and Trent enter)

Girl - See you around.

(Girl exits)

Jane - See, what'd I tell you? All these years Daria was the camp darling and she kept it from us.

Daria - No, I didn't...

Trent, Wow, Daria secretly popular, that's going to take some getting used to.

Daria - I wasn't popular, I tell you.

Jane - When we get back, can I try on your "Miss Camp Grizzly" sash?

Daria - Argh!

(Daria exits)

Jane - Told you that would get her.

Trent - Yeah, at least the trip wasn't a total loss.

(Jane and Trent seated in the front of the Tank, Daria seated behind)

Jane - And that's how a simple comment about a two dollar cookie turned into "Little Hell on the Prairie."

Daria - Wow. Trent, I hope you weren't too bummed by that whole thing. I mean, just because you thought those people had some insight and they turned out to be idiots, that doesn't mean you should give up on the band.

Jane - Trent?

Trent (singing) - Your cookies are lame, your chips are the same. You get no respect, 'cause...

Daria - You're missing the train?

Jane - My soul's waves of grain?

Trent - You're not what you claim. Poser exposed, hoser dehosed, I should step on your toes, you're deposed.

Daria - Something tells me the Spiral lives.

Trent - Oh, yeah. The fire is back.

Daria - You want a Tums?

Jane - You know, I keep thinking we forgot something. Eh, must not be important.

Daria - Oh, Quinn got a ride with a friend.

(Quinn riding in Skip's AMC Pacer, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else)

Skip - And where does she get off attacking Camp Grizzly? When she's been the worst camper ever, and doesn't even try to sing, and never even won anything. You know, camp builds character, and if your not tough enough...

Quinn (exasperated) - Could you just be quiet for a while?

(closing credits)




Written by Jonathan Greenberg
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)

(opening theme song)

(Exterior view of Morgendorffer home. Cut to view in kitchen sink drain, looking up at Jake holding a flashlight in one hand and using salad tongs in the other to fish for something in the drain)

Jake - Damn salad tongs!

(Daria walks up behind Jake)

Daria - Wristwatch trying to make a break for it again?

Jake - Lousy stupid watch just slipped off the counter without any provocation!

(Jake turns and smiles)

Jake - Hey, Daria. You've got small hands.

Daria - But my big brain tells me not to stick them into garbage disposals.

Jake - Why do they always put these stupid drains right in the middle of the sink anyway? (pulls hand away) Oww!

(Quinn enters carrying letter)

Quinn - Dad! Guess what? Camp Grizzly is having a fifth-year reunion.

Daria - Quick, put on CNN so we can catch the action as it unfolds.

(Helen enters with letter, hands it to Daria)

Helen - Daria, you got an invitation, too.

(Daria opens letter)

Helen - And Jake, you got another one of those John Wayne collectable coins.

(Helen hands Jake a package, which he opens and pulls out a coin)

Jake - Rio Bravo! I'll going to put this one up next to Rio Lobo. Huh? Looks a little like Rio Grande.

Daria - Darn. This reunion is next weekend, and I already promised Prince Charming I'd go to the ball.

Quinn - Well, I'm going. I can't wait to see the friends I made in my days of childish innocence, before high school and its web of complicated and competitive relationships. When just being girls together was enough.

Daria - Have you been watching Little Women again?

Jake - You know, The Duke made a movie called, Big Jake. (John Wayne imitation) Well, pilgrim.

Helen - Daria. Don't you have the slightest urge to relive your old camp memories?

Daria - Why would I want to return to a place where I was flatteringly referred to as "The Weird Kid?"

Helen (sighs) - Very well. I can't make you go. Besides, Dad and I could really use some help cleaning out the garage next weekend.

Daria - Speaking of forced labor...

Jake - We're cleaning out the garage?

Helen - We are now.

Jake - But what happened to the weekend at the Country Inn?

Helen - I told you, I have to work Saturday, the Inn is out.

Jake - Stupid, lousy...!

(Metallic click heard)

Jake - Dammit! My new coin just slipped down the disposal without any provocation!

Daria - Hey, Quinn, you've got small hands.

(Exterior view of Lane home, cut to basement with Mystik Spiral set up to practice. Trent and Nick hold guitars, Max is behind his drums and Jesse is seated on a cushion holding a sitar)

Max - I'm not playing with that...thing!

Jesse - It's not a thing, it's a sitar. It sounds very spiritual, chicks love that crap.

Max - Dude! We're the Spiral! We're not spiritual, we're hardcore!

Nick - Spiritual? Are we doing a gig at a church?

Jesse - Man, we have to experiment or we'll get stale. You know, if a shark doesn't keep swimming, it just stands still.

Max - We're not a damn fish. Right Trent?

Trent - Um, I don't know, guys.

Max - The Spiral rocks on its own.

(Max, Nick and Jesse argue and Trent walks away)

(View of television screen showing a patient in a hospital room, with a surveillance camera focused on him)

SSW Announcer - What kind of sicko voyeur would set up a hidden camera in an Intensive Care Unit? The peek-a-boo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Jane and Daria sitting on Jane's bed, watching television)

Jane - Come on, camp's not so bad. At least you didn't have to spend summers on a commune with your parents' friends.

Daria - Your parents' friends didn't make you hop a mile in a burlap sack.

Jane - Your camp counselors didn't make you make a burlap sack.

Daria - Skip Stevens, the self-proclaimed Big-Man-On-Camp, never made you sing; "We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly, you're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly."

Jane (momentarily quiet) - I was going to bring up the composting next, but I know when I'm beat.

(Trent enters)

Trent - Hey.

Jane - Let me guess, you woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.

Trent - It's not just that, it's Spiral. I think we're past our prime.

Jane - I believe you're supposed to hit your prime before you pass it, but okay.

Trent - Maybe we should just break up.

Jane - Trent, think about what you're saying. You're talking about your primary means of unemployment.

Trent - Yeah, think. That's what I need to do. Get away and think.

Jane - Hey, why don't Trent and I give you a ride to your reunion? We can hang out in the sticks while you're leading the color war. A waste of time will be had by all.

Trent - Hmm.

Daria - There's just one catch.

Jane - What's that?

(View through windshield of "The Tank," Trent is driving, Quinn is in passenger seat, Daria and Jane in back)

Quinn - Eww! Look how dirty those sheep are! From now on, I buy only imported sweaters. God, I bet there's not an outlet store within a hundred miles. Not that anyone would know what to buy after living out here for so long. Huh, some people are beyond help.

Daria - I was just thinking the same thing.

Trent - Anyway, as I was saying, we've lost our inspiration. I always said I'd get out of music before I became a cliché.

Jane - I don't remember you ever saying that.

Trent - Not in words, in my solos.

(The Tank turns off road at sign for Camp Grizzly)

Quinn - Stop here, I have to get out.

Daria - Couldn't you have told us this two hours ago?

Quinn - Ha. And don't worry about taking me home, I'll find my own ride.

Jane - She didn't say that just to get our hopes up, did she?

(Tank continues down driveway to camp while Quinn walks, and then pulls into a parking space. Daria, Jane and Trent exit. Cut to Quinn approaching three girls)

Cindy - Quinn!

Quinn - Tracy, Cindy, Tatiana! Hey, can I have a ride home?

Daria - Great, just like I remembered.

(Wavy line transition to flashback. Helen, Jake and younger Daria step out of a light blue sedan parked in the same spot as the Tank)

Helen - Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.

Daria - Let's hope.

(Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria)

Daria - Hey!

Helen - Now where's Quinn?

Jake - Dammit! I knew we forgot something.

(Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside)

Helen - Come on, Quinn. We're here.

(Helen opens door)

Quinn - I don't want to go to camp! (Helen pulls Quinn from car) I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack!

(Quinn runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana)

Quinn - Look, I have the same backpack.

Tracy - Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.

Quinn - Um, I like your hair.

Cindy - Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?

Tatiana - She's so pale

Quinn - That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.

(View of Daria next to car, unhappy and rolling eyes away. Wavy line transition to present day)

Daria - And I've been her distant cousin ever since.

Jane - So this is where it all began.

Daria - Speaking of unpleasant memories.

(Amelia enters)

Amelia - Daria? Is that you?

Daria - No, I'm a decoy to flush out assassins. (sighs) Hi, Amelia.

Amelia - Thank God! I was afraid you weren't coming, and then there would be no reason for me to come, because I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. What's new?

Jane - Hmm. Daria having a secret fan club is pretty new.

Trent - Really.

Amelia - You have a fan club? Cool!

Jane - Daria, when I met you, you said you were a big outcast who nobody liked. Has our whole life together been a lie?

(View of Daria frowning)

Skip (VO) - Hey, Grizzlies!

(Skip enters with pile of t-shirts, which he hands out)

Skip - Skip Stevens, Alumni Coordinator. Grab a Grizzly t-shirt.

Amelia (pointing to Jane and Trent) - But they didn't go here.

Skip- Camp Puma, I should have known. (takes shirts back) Ha, nice try, kitty-cats, but Grizzlies rule! Grroowl! Go Grizzlies!

Jane - You know, we really should be going.

Skip - Now come on, let's see some camp spirit. Put these Pumas in their place.

Trent - Yeah, we better hit the road.

(Jane and Trent get into The Tank and leave)

Skip - Come on! I'll start us off! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!


(Exterior view of Morgendorffer home with the garage door open. Helen and Jake are in the garage, going through boxes)

Jake (VO, voice muffled) - Hey, honey!

Helen - Ah!

(Jake is wearing SCUBA gear and pulls mouthpiece away, laughing)

Jake - I'd forgotten we'd had all this stuff! It must have been ages ago that we went SCUBA diving. I can't even remember it.

Helen - Memory sure is a funny thing.

Jake - When was that, Helen?

Helen - Gee, um, I don't recall. (nervous laugh)

Jake - I remember going to that diving school and getting certified. Lousy chlorine poisoning! 'Cause we were taking that two-week vacation in the Caribbean and then...oh, yeah. Now I remember, you couldn't go, you had some merger or something and we had to postpone the trip.

Helen - Oh, um yes, that's right.

Jake - We never did reschedule it.

Helen - We didn't? (points) Oh, look, a scooter!

(Jake looks in that direction and then turns back to Helen, frowning)

(Exterior view of a rustic building with General Store on the roof. The Tank is parked outside. Cut to interior view showing Jane and Trent checking out and a man in overalls and a baseball cap behind the counter)

Earl - Will this be all for you?

Trent - Yeah.

Earl - Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there.

Jane - Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing.

Earl (chuckles) - Oh, no. It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put into the cookies. You know what I mean?

Jane - Oh, sure. You're saying you have echolalia. Echolalia.

Trent - I know what you mean. The two bucks isn't for the ingredients. The cookie's valuable because of the part of yourself that went into it.

Earl - Right!

Trent - Man, that's something to think about.

Jane - This part of yourself...it wasn't one of the squishier organs, was it?

Earl - Right now, we're trying to come up with the perfect potato chip. You kids interested in potato chips?

Jane - Not really.

Trent - Yeah.

(Jane glares at Trent)

(Mr. Potts and Skip are on the porch of a camp building, the reunion attendees gather around)

Mr. Potts (into microphone) - Before we begin our hike... (looks at Skip) Is this thing on? Hello?

Skip - It's on, Mr. Potts!

Mr. Potts - Thank you, Skip.

Skip - No, thank you, Mr. Potts!

Mr. Potts (sighs) - We're real glad to see all these former Grizzlies at the reunion. And, when the time comes that you have cubs of your own, we hope they'll be proud to say, "I'm a Grizzly, grr." (weak laugh) Everyone ready for a hike?

(Faint muttering from crowd)

Skip - He said, "Is everyone ready for a hike?"

(Slightly louder muttering from crowd)

Daria - I wish Skip would take a hike.

Amelia (laughs) - You're funny, Daria. Hey, where's your t-shirt?

Daria - I'm not wearing it.

(crowd begins wandering off)

Amelia - I guess we better join them.

Daria - You go ahead. I don't want to scare the other hikers with my limp.

Amelia - Hmm. Do you think they'd mind if I stayed here, too?

Daria - Amelia, have you ever played Monopoly?

Amelia - Of course, why?

Daria - You're not in camp any more. You're just visiting. Do what you want.

Amelia - Cool! I'm staying with you.

Daria - Great.

(They exit, cut to Daria and Amelia seated at picnic table with Daria reading a book)

Amelia - This reminds me of the time you boycotted the End-of-Summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool.

Daria - Actually, I wasn't invited.

Amelia - Oh. (pause, then laugh) Remember the time you took off on your horse and left us all behind.

Daria - You mean the time the time the horse ran off with me on it and tossed me in the river, and I had to have nine stitches?

Amelia - Oh, right. Hey, remember that awful game with the watermelon?

(Daria looks very cross)

(Wavy line transition to young Daria, Amelia and Skip with other campers dressed in swimwear on the end of a dock. Mr. Potts looks on)

Mr. Potts - We've greased the watermelon with extra vaseline this time. (laughs)

Skip - You guys are dead meat. (points) Dead meat.

Mr. Potts - Easy there, Skip. Now, after I blow the whistle, whichever team brings the watermelon ashore gets to eat it. Ready, Grizzlies?

Skip - Let's go, team. Let's kick their butts!

(Campers line up on edge of dock, Mr. Potts blows whistle and all but Daria jump or dive in. Skip looks back)

Skip - Come on, slacker!

(Skip grabs Daria's hand and pulls her in the water, sending her glasses flying)

(Wavy line transition to Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana hiking with other attendees)

Tracy - I can't believe they're making us hike like this.

Cindy - I know, it's not like they ever did this stuff when we were campers.

Quinn - Actually, um, they did have hikes. We just didn't go, remember?

Tatiana - Oh, yeah.

Tracy - That's right. A camper has to know when active is too active. Like, now.

(Amid general consents, all four sit on the grass)

Cindy - Hey, this reminds me of that watermelon game.

Quinn - Oh, yeah.

(Wavy line transition to the four younger girls in swimsuits on beach chairs while Skip runs up to them from the water)

Skip - Hey, you're supposed to be chasing the greasy watermelon!

Tracy - Skip, we don't do greasy.

Skip - You guys have no camp spirit.

(Skip exits)

Tracy - Geek.

Quinn - I wonder who'll bring us the watermelon today?

(three boys run out of the water carrying a watermelon)

Cindy - Billy.

Tracy - Bobby.

All Four - Benjy.

(Boys begin fighting over the watermelon, followed by wavy line transition to present)

Quinn - I loved that game.

(Helen and Jake in garage, Jake holds up a hiking backpack)

Jake - We never did take that camping trip. You know why?

Helen - The combustible ketchup lawsuit. Thought we were going to win that one, too.

Jake - And what about the ski vacation! Or that bicycle tour? We didn't go on those either, because someone had to work!

Helen - Well forgive me if I can't always get away.

Jake - Can't always? Look around. (picks up ski pole) The word is never. Never! Never! Never! (Sweeps arms and knocks stacked objects over) Damn skis!

(Exterior view of country house with the Tank parked beside it, cut to interior, Earl, Trent and Jane seated at table, Barbara brings over a plate of sandwiches)

Earl - There ya go. Bread and cheese slices. Told you my wife could cook.

Barbara - Oh, Earl. There's nothing special about cheese sandwiches.

Jane - I'll say.

Barbara - It's just simple, wholesome food, and ain't no shame in simple if it's good.

Trent - Wow. That's really, really true.

(Jane takes sandwich and bites into it)

Barbara - You kids think you might want another sandwich before your potato chip taste test?

(After chewing, Jane removes plastic cheese-slice wrapper from mouth)

Jane - That depends, are you going to unwrap the cheese this time?

Barbara - Sure thing, if Earl will help me.

Earl (gets up) - That's a great idea!

(Earl and Barbara exit)

Jane - Why the hell did you agree to try their potato chips? You think the in-breeding adds to the flavor?

Trent - These people know something Janey. Their full of country wisdom.

Jane - They're full of undigested cellophane.

Trent - They can help me figure out where Spiral went wrong.

Jane - You guys needed a break from each other, that's all. Jesse gets on Nick's nerves, Nick gets on Max's nerves, you get on Jesse's nerves.

Trent - Janey, that's crazy talk. How could I ever get on anyone's nerves?

(Earl and Barbara return with another plate of sandwiches)

Earl - Guess what?

Barbara - We figured as long as we were unwrapping the cheese, we'd let the bread thaw out, too.

(Long shot of Camp Grizzly. Attendees are seated at picnic tables or lined up at a large barbeque grill that Skip is cooking at)

Skip - Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare, medium, but always well-done.

(Daria and Amelia walk up to other side of grill with plates holding hamburger buns. Daria picks up a burger with a fork and places it on bun)

Skip - Hey! What are you doing?

Daria - Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat.

Skip - No-one takes a burger until I say so. I've got a whole system here. It's all timed to perfection.

Daria - I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy.

(Skip uses spatula to take burger from Daria and put it back on grill)

Skip - That one's yours, you touched it. I'll let you know when it's ready.

Daria - Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer.

(Daria and Amelia walk away and sit at a table)

Amelia - Wow, Daria. Aren't you afraid you'll make him mad?

Daria - What do I care?

Amelia - Well, he is like the boss of the camp.

Daria - No, he's not. He's the self-proclaimed dictator of a non-existent empire. What's really infuriating is how these artificial societies are made for these petty tyrants.

Amelia - Artificial societies?

Daria - You know, when you're forced to co-exist with people you'd never seek out on your own. Camp, school...life.

Amelia - Yeah.

Daria - Half these people can't stand Skip, but no-one wants to be the first to challenge him and risk alienation. So, we follow the herd and end up leading lives of quiet desperation.

(Daria opens book and begins reading)

Amelia - At least we're not doing that, Daria. (pause) Daria? Did you hear what I said? At least we're not following the crowd.

Daria - Amelia, look at yourself.

Amelia - What?

Daria - You've been following me around since I got here.

Amelia - So?

Daria - So you're right. I don't want to be part of a crowd, and I don't want my own crowd, either. Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practice being an individual?

Amelia (surprised) - God, Daria. I was really looking forward to seeing you. I thought we were friends, but you don't like anybody!

(Amelia gets up and leaves)

Daria - Amelia.

(Skip on porch with microphone)

Skip - Attention Grizzlies! You know what time it is? Anthem time! Everybody! We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly.

(A few voices join in singing)

Skip and others - You're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly.


(Jane and Trent are seated at table with a large bowl of potato chips in front of them while Barbara and Earl stand nearby. Trent is blindfolded and Barbara feeds him a chip)

Barbara - I'll give you a chip and you try to guess what flavor it is.

Trent (chews) - Hmm. I don't really taste anything.

Barbara - You hear that, Earl? He doesn't really taste anything.

Earl - Try another.

Trent (eats another chip) - No, still don't taste anything.

Earl - All right!

Jane (eats chip) - Forgive me for asking, but what flavor are these? Because I don't taste anything either.

(Trent removed blindfold)

Barbara - No flavor. See, what's wrong with potato chips today, they fight the dip! That's why these have no salt, no grease, no taste. It's like having a piece of paper in your mouth. They don't fight the dip!

Jane - I can see where you two would come down on the side of the dip.

Trent - Wait a minute. Why make potato chips with no taste? I'm getting confused.

Jane - Nothing confusing about it, Trent. It's simple; backwoods junk food has nothing to do with music.

Trent - Hmm.

Earl - Hey, you guys ready to try some of our home-bottled water?

(Earl goes to sink and fills a bottle from the tap)

(Jake and Helen in garage)

Jake - Maybe I'll just move to a rest home and wait for you to retire. Maybe then you'll find the time to spend half and hour with ole Jakey!

(Jake kicks box. After a pause, picks up a black negligee with a blue ribbon)

Helen - Put that down! It's not even your size.

Jake - Damn right! And what prepaid vacation was this for!

Helen - Actually, Jake. It was going to be a surprise. I booked a cabin for last Valentine's Day, but you had to go to that dot-com dot-com convention instead. So you see, it's not always my schedule that gets in the way!

Jake - Oh yeah! (looks at negligee) You were going to surprise me? (holds out negligee) Really?

Helen - Yes, I was. Believe it or not, I still have some romance left in me, dammit.

Jake - You're beautiful when your angry.

(Helen reaches over to caress Jake's arm and at the same time, pulls keys from pocket)

Helen - Do you mean it, Big Jake?

(She pushes remote and garage door closes, followed by sound of crashing objects)

Jake (VO) - Damn skis!

(Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana sitting at picnic table)

Tracy - So I said, "I don't care how dangerous it is, I will not go out in a boat wearing one of those unflattering orange-colored things."

(All laugh)

Cindy - Hey, remember that stupid square dance?

Quinn - Oh, that? Alex Kroger and I ditched it and went down to the beach.

Tracy - Quinn, did I hear you say Alex Kroger?

Quinn - Yeah. Too bad he didn't make the reunion.

Tracy - Alex Kroger? My date for that dance? I waited for him all night.

(Quinn briefly looks embarrassed and shrugs)

Quinn - Hey, guys. Remember those key chains we made in arts and crafts? (nervous laugh)

(Tracy stands and tosses two quarters on the table)

Tracy - Here's fifty cents. Call Alex and ask him for a ride home.

(Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana exit)

Tatiana - Sorry, Quinn.

Quinn (heavy sigh) - So much for being girls together.

(Skip on porch with Mr. Potts, attendees scattered in front of them)

Skip - Before I recount some of my favorite Camp Grizzly memories, let's give it up for the Greatest Grizzly of them All, Mr. Potts!

(Light clapping)

Skip - I can't hear you!

(A little more clapping)

Skip - I also want to thank all my teammates in the color wars over the years. In seven years of being a Grizzly, I never lost a war!

(Daria sits at table with dejected Amelia)

Daria - Gee, maybe I misjudged him.

(Amelia scowls and goes up to Skip)

Skip - Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!

(Amelia takes microphone from Skip)

Amelia - Hold on! I want to say something.

Skip - Hey! I'm talking!

(Amelia pushes him away)

Amelia - You're always talking. Give someone else a chance.

(Scattered calls from audience supporting Amelia)

Amelia - Since I've been coming to this camp, I've been doing whatever Skip tells me to. Even when I didn't want to or thought it was stupid.

Skip - Hey!

(More calls from audience)

Amelia - And I never challenged him or said anything because I didn't want to risk being alienated from the group.

Daria - Oh, no.

Amelia - So I learned to keep quiet, to just follow the herd, to lead a life of quiet desperation.

Skip - That's enough!

(Audience louder in support of Amelia)

Amelia - But I'm not going to do that anymore! Because, returning to Camp Grizzly meant renewing my acquaintance with someone special, a role model, an inspiration.

Daria - Please don't say my name.

Amelia - Daria Morgendorffer. (pause) You know, the Weird Kid?

(Audience responds, "Oh, yeah")

Amelia - Sure, she's unpleasant, sure, she's antisocial, sure, she says whatever's on her mind without any regard for other's feelings. But, at least she thinks for herself and marches to her own drummer.

(View pans across audience listening intently)

Amelia (VO) So for now on, I'm going to start thinking for myself. Just like Daria, and I don't care if I end up like her, with no friends.

(Amelia on porch with Skip and Mr. Potts)

Amelia - I don't ever want to see this stupid campground again!

(Crowd cheers)

Skip (takes microphone) - You can't just get up here and rag on Camp Grizzly! If you're not part of the team, go hang out with your loser, weirdo friend.

Amelia (takes microphone back) - I don't want to be a part of your team, Skip. And I don't think anyone here really does. (She removes t-shirt) So here's your Grizzly t-shirt back!

(Amelia shoves shirt and microphone at Skip and walks off the porch. Crowd cheers and take off shirts, all throwing them at Skip)

Skip - What are you doing? Mr. Potts, make them stop! They're defiling the Grizzly name.

Mr. Potts - Skip, you take all this way too seriously. This is a camp. A place parents send their kids to get them out of their hair for a few weeks. Don't make it your whole life.

Skip (whimpering) - I wanna go home!

(View of attendees standing around camp)

Amelia - I'm really glad you liked my speech, Daria. Um, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Daria - Hey, it takes more than just words to hurt me, unless they happen to be particularly truthful words strung together in exceptionally observant sentences.

(Girl walks up)

Girl - Amelia, thanks for telling off that jerk, and Daria, I guess I never knew you to be such an inspiration.

(Jane and Trent enter)

Girl - See you around.

(Girl exits)

Jane - See, what'd I tell you? All these years Daria was the camp darling and she kept it from us.

Daria - No, I didn't...

Trent, Wow, Daria secretly popular, that's going to take some getting used to.

Daria - I wasn't popular, I tell you.

Jane - When we get back, can I try on your "Miss Camp Grizzly" sash?

Daria - Argh!

(Daria exits)

Jane - Told you that would get her.

Trent - Yeah, at least the trip wasn't a total loss.

(Jane and Trent seated in the front of the Tank, Daria seated behind)

Jane - And that's how a simple comment about a two dollar cookie turned into "Little Hell on the Prairie."

Daria - Wow. Trent, I hope you weren't too bummed by that whole thing. I mean, just because you thought those people had some insight and they turned out to be idiots, that doesn't mean you should give up on the band.

Jane - Trent?

Trent (singing) - Your cookies are lame, your chips are the same. You get no respect, 'cause...

Daria - You're missing the train?

Jane - My soul's waves of grain?

Trent - You're not what you claim. Poser exposed, hoser dehosed, I should step on your toes, you're deposed.

Daria - Something tells me the Spiral lives.

Trent - Oh, yeah. The fire is back.

Daria - You want a Tums?

Jane - You know, I keep thinking we forgot something. Eh, must not be important.

Daria - Oh, Quinn got a ride with a friend.

(Quinn riding in Skip's AMC Pacer, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else)

Skip - And where does she get off attacking Camp Grizzly? When she's been the worst camper ever, and doesn't even try to sing, and never even won anything. You know, camp builds character, and if your not tough enough...

Quinn (exasperated) - Could you just be quiet for a while?

(closing credits)