404: Murder, She Snored

Written by Peggy Nicoll
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)

(opening theme song)

(at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's classroom)

(Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students)

Mr. DeMartino - I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.

Jane - I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.

(Daria looks at her test; the score is 100)

Daria - Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.

(Brittany has a score of 66)

Brittany - Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!

(Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other)

Kevin - All right!

Brittany - Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?

Mr. DeMartino - Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.

Brittany - Thanks!

Mr. DeMartino - Kevin?

Kevin - I have an "A" because... I got a hundred?

Mr. DeMartino - That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on a cereal box, got a hundred.

Brittany - Go, team, go!

Mr. DeMartino - Only Mr. MacKenzie got a "B".

Brittany (weakly) - Go, Mack, go.

(Kevin and other football players cheer and celebrate more)

Mr. DeMartino - Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone -- Kevin -- got a hold of the test beforehand -- Kevin -- which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet -- Kevin!

Daria - But who does he really suspect?

Jane - That Jimmy guy?

Mr. DeMartino - Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?

Kevin - But I don't know anything.

Daria - Can't accuse him of lying there.

Mr. DeMartino - I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?

Kevin - Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!

(Mr. DeMartino takes Kevin's test)

Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?

Kevin - The New Orleans Saints?

Mr. DeMartino - Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!

Kevin - Teapot... the New England Patriots!

Daria - How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.

(Mr. DeMartino leans over Kevin)

Mr. DeMartino - Where were you Monday afternoon?!

Kevin - Um, hanging out with the team?

(football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings)

Mr. DeMartino - Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?

(football players exit, still congratulating themselves)

(in the hallway)

(Daria and Jane are standing in front of Daria's locker)

Jane - This sucks. The first time I get a 95, too.

Daria - Funny, from here, it looks like an 84.

Jane - I grade myself on a curve.

(in front of Kevin's locker)

Mack - Everyone knows you took that test, so would you just admit it so we all don't fail?

Brittany - Yeah! You know, if I get an "F," I'll be kicked off the cheerleading squad, because you need at least a 1.0 average to stay on, and then my chances of becoming a pro cheerleader will be ruined, and that will give me a permanent headache!

Kevin - So get one of those really big bottles of aspirin.

Brittany - I mean, Kevvy, that I'll have a headache next time we're alone.

Kevin - Oh! So, you want me to bring the aspirin?

Brittany - Oooooh!

Kevin - But, babe, I didn't steal the test!

Mack - You just copied it word-for-word.

Kevin - Fine, Mr. and Mrs. Jealous-baby! Now I know what it's like to be hated just because you're a brain!

(Daria and Jane enter as Kevin runs off)

Jane - Did you hear that? You're no longer the only brain in the school.

Daria - Hmmm... I guess I'll have to kill him.

(Ms. Li walks up behind Daria and Jane)

Jane - Aw, don't kill him; you two can start a support group.

Daria - Sorry, all my support groups have a one member limit.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Jake and Helen are seated in the living room, Jake with a martini and Helen with the telephone)

Jake - Damn idiot prima donna crybaby clients. That's it, Helen! I'm changing careers!

Helen - Mm-hmm, and they made that offer with a straight face?

(Daria walks by behind them)

Jake - Hey, kiddo, how was your day?

Daria - Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test, so everyone's getting an "F."

Jake - That's great!

Helen (holds hand over phone) - Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right?

Daria - Relax... we don't have to answer that.

Helen - Daria, if you need to talk, I...

(Helen switches to phone while Daria goes upstairs)

Helen - I know! It's a clear-cut case of neglect.

(in Daria's room; she sits on her bed and starts television with remote)

SSW Announcer - Can too many carrots make your head grow leaves? Uh, what's that, doc?! In one hour, on Sick, Sad World!

(Daria lays down on her side and begins channel surfing)

(TV screen of woman exercising)

TV Announcer - With the Brains and Beauty Butt Buster, you too can have a rounder...

(channel switches to a cowboy on horseback playing guitar)

Cowboy (singing) - We're gonna round up the posse, round up the posse...

(channel changes to a rerun of a Charlie's Angels-style detective show from the 70's; two women with pistols at the ready are on either side of a door)

Female Detective #1 - What are we going to do? Serena's inside the house with that murderer.

Female Detective #2 - We've got to save her before he finds out she's a private eye.

(Daria lays her head on pillow and closes eyes)

Murderer - What do you have to say for yourself now, detective?

Serena - I knew the stolen microfilm had to be sewn into the bikini, but I didn't count on falling in love with you.

(Daria begins softly snoring, and the scene fades to one of Daria riding an older-style bicycle down a street, ala Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote)

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane walk up to Daria's locker, which is now full-height instead of its usual half-height)

Jane - I'm surprised Ms. Li hasn't made Kevin confess by now. You don't think she's actually waiting for evidence?

Daria - No, she just doesn't want him to admit anything until she's finished building her new interrogation room.

Jane - Hmm. Questioning a suspect is more fun with a cattle prod.

Daria - What isn't? Anyway, half the class already wants to kill him.

Jane - They're just saying that to get our hopes up.

(Daria opens her locker and Kevin's body falls out; one hand holds a sandwich, an arrow is protruding from his chest, and a golf club falls out and hits him on the head)

Jane - Ouch.

Daria - When did my locker get so big?

(Jane grabs sandwich and sniffs)

Jane - Cyanide.

Daria - Must have come from the cafeteria.

Jane - Remind me to send my compliments to the chef.

(Brittany and Mack enter from opposite directions)

Brittany - Wow, he doesn't look so good.

(More students gather around)

Jane - Dying can be harsh on a person's appearance.

(Mr. DeMartino enters)

Mack - Who would do such a thing... so thoroughly?

Mr. DeMartino - If I may offer a small observation, it's a well-known fact that murderers frequently return to the scene of the crime to admire their handiwork.

Jane - You're not suggesting that one of us did it?

Mr. DeMartino - If the shoe fits, Ms. Lane.

Brittany - Wow, this is just like Cinderella.

Daria - Yes, and you've turned into two pumpkins.

Brittany - Huh?

(Ms. Li enters)

Ms. Li - Save your breath, people. I think I know who's responsible for this heinous crime.

(close-ups of Brittany, Mack, Mr. DeMartino, Jane, and Daria)

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, it is my duty to inform you that you are the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson.

Daria - What?!

Jane - It's always the quiet ones.


(in Ms. Li's office)

(Daria is hooked up to a polygraph machine, with Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino looking on)

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, just answer as truthfully as you can. (snickers, then sotto voce) Yeah, right.

Daria - Can't I just skip the investigation and go straight to solitary confinement?

Ms. Li - Sorry. No one is going to deprive me of the opportunity to rifle through the personal property of individuals totally unconnected to this case. (claps hand over mouth) Oop! I mean, deprive you of your right to justice. Now, nail her to the wall.

(Ms. Li exits and closes door)

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear.

Mr. DeMartino - Well, well, well... Ms. Morgendorffer, where were you Monday afternoon!

Daria - Hmm... after watching frustrated faculty members squander yet another day trying to teach the unteachable, I went home and studied so I won't wind up in a job that combines the stress level of a neurosurgeon with the pay scale of a video clerk.

Mr. DeMartino - Your transparent attempt to derail my line of questioning with sarcasm has been noted.

Mr. O'Neill - What Mr. DeMartino is trying to say, Daria, is that a more positive attitude might make this informal rap session more pleasant for all of us. Would you like a soda?

Mr. DeMartino - Isn't it true that you were furious at Kevin for causing your "F" and the black mark on your permanent record?

Mr. O'Neill - In other words, Daria, is it at all possible that perhaps you were just a teensy bit frustrated that a fellow student's alleged transgressions cancelled out all of your hard work?

Daria (to Mr. DeMartino) - Actually, I believe you gave me the "F."

Mr. O'Neill - Cookies? They're chocolate chip.

Mr. DeMartino - Quit avoiding the issue and admit it, Daria! You hated Kevin!

Mr. O'Neill - What Mr. DeMartino is trying to say...

(Mr. DeMartino walks to door)

Mr. DeMartino - That's it!

(Mr. DeMartino walks to the door; upon opening it, Ms. Li is shown listening through a stethoscope; she gasps and tries to hide it)

Mr. DeMartino - I can't work with this amateur! He's screwing up my delivery! Do we have to do good cop, bad cop?

Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, it sounds like you have issues about...

(Mr. DeMartino grabs Mr. O'Neill and throws him through the door as Ms. Li steps aside)

Mr. DeMartino - Out!

Mr. O'Neill - Eep!

(Mr. DeMartino closes the door)

Mr. DeMartino - Now... about your hating Kevin.

(Daria is disconnecting herself from the polygraph machine)

Daria - Why would I hate Kevin? Just because he was destined to go pro and make millions of dollars endorsing his own line of odor-eaters? Because he had his whole life in front of him...

Mr. DeMartino - Damn him.

Daria - Because society rewards brain-dead athletes with cash prizes and RV dealerships while the most you can hope for is a car roof that doesn't leak when it rains?

Mr. DeMartino - I should've wrapped my hands around his oafish young neck and... Daria, quit changing the subject.

(Mr. O'Neill opens door, holding a can of soda)

Mr. O'Neill - Mr. Pibb?

Mr. DeMartino - Arggghhh!

(Daria drives up to the Morgendorffer house in a small, beige-colored convertible, ala Peter Falk in Columbo)

(in the living room, Jake is reading the newspaper and Helen is going through papers in her briefcase when Daria enters)

Helen - Daria, how was school today?

Daria - Well, let's see... no one talked to me at lunch, and I'm the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson.

Jake - Good for you! Say, Daria, what would be an exciting new job for a youngish, still vital self-starter who can bring a lot to the table?

Daria - Waiter at Pizza Forest?

Helen - Daria, you were just kidding about lunch, right? Damn! Where's that abstract?

Daria - Mom? I was wondering if you could give me some advice on the legal system, or just teach me how to summon guards with a tin cup.

Helen - Sure, honey, but right now I'm late for my meeting so it'll have to wait till I get back.

Daria - Okay. If I'm not here, I'll be starring in the prison rodeo.

Helen - Have fun! (exits)

Daria - Great.

Jake - Can I help, honey?

Daria - Not unless you're a detective.

Jake - Detective... oh, yeah!

(Jake excitedly runs off)

Daria - Oh, no.

(at the Lane house)

(Daria is seated on Jane's bed while Jane is mounting mug shots on a canvas set on the easel)

Daria - And if I don't find out who killed Kevin, I'm watching Sick, Sad World in the prison weight room. You try yelling "down in front" to someone with head staples.

Jane - Look, Daria, I'd like to help, but I've got another crime to solve.

Daria - I sure hope Tom hasn't been kidnapped.

Jane - Didn't I tell you? Trent's dead.

Daria - What?

Jane - Come on, I'll show you.

(Jane and Daria enter Trent's room, revealing him to be laying face-down sideways on the bed; Daria lifts his arm)

Daria - Trent...

Jane - I found him like this yesterday. I haven't had the heart to move him.

(Jane picks up a prosthetic arm)

Jane - I can't help but think that a one-armed man is somehow involved. I guess you two will never know what might have been.

(Daria sadly sits next to Trent, who wakes up)

Trent - Oh, hi, Daria. Just catching up on a little sleep before it gets dark. Oh, hey, Janey, can I have my back scratcher?

(Jane hands him the arm; Jake enters wearing a trench coat, gloves, and hat, ala Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther)

Jake - There you are, honey. Look! I'm a detective. I'm ready to solve your case.

Jane - Enjoy prison.

(Jake examines Daria with a magnifying glass)

Jake - Sacre bleu! Your face! It's so big! What about me? Is my face big, too?

Daria - I don't believe this. There's only one place left for me to turn, and it's not pretty.

(in an undisclosed house, Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy are dressed in 70's-style outfits; it's a perfect parody of Charlie's Angels, right down to the speaker on the desk)

Upchuck (VO from speaker phone) - Angels, I've got some bad news. Star quarterback Kevin Thompson has been murdered!

Stacy - Oh, no! But he was so cute.

Quinn - How come they never kill the ugly people?

Sandi - Or the people who wear sandals with socks?

Upchuck (VO) - You tell me, Angels. You're the detectives. (laughs) Now, the chief suspect in the case has hired us to prove her innocence. A Ms. Daria Morgendorffer.

Quinn - Oh, no...

Stacy - Eww. Upchuck, she's so... unpopular.

Sandi - Hey, Quinn. Isn't she, like, your family's cabana girl?

Quinn - Actually, she's our cabana girl's cou... our cabana girl's adopted cousin. (nervous laugh)

Upchuck (VO) - So, we'll accept the case? She's willing to pay up front...

Quinn - Well, I could use a matching case for my gun. You know, with a pearl handle and a built-in makeup mirror.

Stacy - Yeah, and my holster is so pre-Glock.

(Tiffany enters holding a stack of posters of herself; the poster imitates Farrah Fawcett-Majors' famous swimsuit poster)

Tiffany - This is so wrong. My thighs are all bulgy.

Sandi - Tiffany, dear, what are you doing here?

Tiffany - I just thought I'd check and see if any of you is quitting to go into movies so I can be the new angel.

Sandi - We're in, Upchuck.

Upchuck (VO) - Good work, Angels. I knew I could count on you.

(poolside, Andrea is massaging Upchuck's foot while he shuts off the speaker phone; just as with John Forsythe in Charlie's Angels, we never actually see his face)

Upchuck - Feisty!

(at Lawndale High)

(police tape crosses the entire bank of lockers and the outline of Kevin's body is chalked on the floor in front of Daria's locker; "Upchuck's Angels" enter, with Daria and Jane following)

Sandi - The first thing we should do is find out where the body was dumped.

Daria - Well, not to jump to conclusions, but the crime scene tape might be a clue.

Jane - Really? I was going to say the pool of blood.

Quinn - Look, a chalk outline.

Sandi - I wonder if it belongs to anybody.

Tiffany - I hope not. It's so fat.

Stacy - I know. Don't they have chalk outline workouts?

Sandi - Tiffany! You're not even supposed to be here until Quinn leaves over creative differences.

Quinn - What?

Tiffany - Sorry.

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie enter, running over the chalk outline)

Jamie - Quinn, you want me to erase the chalk outline for you?

Joey - No, me!

Jeffy - Me!

Joey - No, come on, man!

(they start fighting, disrupting the chalk outline)

Quinn - Guys, you're smudging it.

(at the Lawndale Cemetery)

(people have gathered for Kevin's viewing and funeral; in a parody of a scene from the Cary Grant/Audry Hepburn movie Charade, Joey walks up and sneezes over the body before leaving, Jeffy holds a mirror next to Kevin's face to check for breathing, and then looks at himself, and Jamie smiles and sticks a large pin into Kevin's chest; Brittany, wearing a black veil, whimpers, and he slinks away)

(Mr. O'Neill stands by a podium, crying, when the cheerleaders, minus Brittany, enter)

Cheerleaders - Two, four, six, eight. Kevin's on his final date. Go! Mr. O'Neill!

(cheerleaders run off)

Mr. O'Neill - I'd like to say few words about the dearly departed. (starts crying again) Kevin was... (cries louder) Kevin! We hardly knew you.

(Daria and Jane with mourners; Daria is dressed in a loud Hawaiian print shirt and Jane is in a khaki military field blouse, ala Tom Selleck and John Hillerman in Magnum, P.I.)

Daria - Come on, let's go grill the merry widow.

Brittany - I wish they'd get the funeral over with. This cemetery is kind of depressing.

Jane - Maybe they should get rid of all the dead people.

Brittany - Good idea, but they should bury them somewhere else, don't you think?

Daria - Brittany, how were you and Kevin doing before his untimely death?

Brittany - We weren't doing anything! I swear!

Jane - A likely story. He was going to break up with you, wasn't he?

Daria - Say, for another girl with bendable legs and a Malibu house?

Brittany - Daria! Jane! I can't believe that you're trying to find out if Kevin's available. I mean, hitting on a dead guy... that's really sick.

(at the podium, Mack, Ms. Barch, and Jodie have joined Mr. O'Neill; Ms. Barch leads him away)

Mack - What can I say about Kevin? That he was, well, he was, um... he never made anyone feel stupid. Thank you very much.

(Mack leaves podium and walks over to Daria, Jane and Brittany near the coffin)

Daria - I couldn't have said it better myself.

(Daria follows Mack walking away)

Mack - Thanks. It's funny, but I still can't believe I'll never see Kevin again. (short laugh)

Daria - It must've been tough being around Kevin day in, day out. What was that name he used to call you? Mack Mama, Mack Brother, Macarthur...

(Mack turns, furious)

Mack - Mack Daddy! Mack Daddy! I hated that name! Hated it, do you hear me?

(Ms. Barch at podium)

Ms. Barch - I would just like to say that I'm glad Kevin is dead. I wish all males were dead. Thank you, and go Lions.

(Ms. Barch exits and Jodie goes to podium)

Jodie - Lawndale High is proud to announce the establishment of the Kevin Thompson Memorial Foundation, which will oversee public service projects in the spirit of Kevin. Like, um, or, uh... so in conclusion, I'd like to announce the dissolution of the foundation and remind everyone that the pep rally starts in one hour.

(crowd applauds)

(on a crowded city street. Daria, dressed in a fur-lined western jacket and cowboy hat, rides a horse through the traffic, ala Dennis Weaver in McCloud)

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane open Daria's locker)

Daria - I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.

Jane - Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt.

(holding it with a pencil by trigger guard, Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker; a shadow falls over her as Ms. Li approaches with Jake and Helen, in police uniforms, standing behind her)

Jane - Right on schedule.

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.


(at Lawndale High)

(in front of Daria's locker; Daria still holds the pink revolver on the end of a pencil)

Daria - Dad? I thought you'd become a detective.

Jake - I got deported. Lousy immigration officials!

Helen - Jake! Would you please act like you're the law on these streets. (to Daria) Honey -- I mean you lousy, two-bit punk -- do you have anything to say in your defense?

Daria - No, except that Kevin died of everything except a gunshot wound.

(Jake grabs revolver)

Jake - Hey, can I see that cool gun?! I mean, I think I should examine the weapon for clues.

Jane - Guess you won't be dusting for fingerprints.

Jake - Huh?

Daria - Look, I don't mean to interfere with your rush to judgment, but if you give me ten minutes, I think I can prove who's responsible for Kevin's death.

Ms. Li - Go on, Ms. Morgendorffer, but be quick about it.

Daria - Round up the suspects.

Jane - Right, chief. I always wanted to say that.

(Mr. O'Neill, Ms. Barch, Mr. DeMartino, Brittany, and Mack have joined the others around the smudged chalk outline; Mr. O'Neill is crying)

Ms. Barch - Buck up, Skinny.

Mr. O'Neill - I just can't stop thinking about poor Kevin.

Ms. Barch - Sure, you can. Yah!

(Ms. Barch grabs Mr. O'Neill in a passionate embrace and drags him to the floor; Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany, still dressed as Upchuck's Angels, walk by)

Quinn - Daria, I can't believe you're still talking about this.

Tiffany - Oh, yeah.

Stacy - Yeah.

Sandi - That is so yesterday.

Daria - The reason I've gathered you all here is that one of you killed Kevin Thompson, and no good deed should go unpunished.

Brittany - Is this going to take long? Because with poor Kevvy gone, I need to find a date for Saturday.

Mr. DeMartino - Maybe I should've been a video clerk. At least I would've gotten some free movies out of my lousy job! "Hello, sir. Will that be one night or two?"

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, get to the point.

Daria - On the morning of Kevin's murder, I, by chance, coated my locker with an invisible, time-activated paint. Anyone who came in contact with that locker will notice that their hands are turning a bright pink... (looks at watch) ...now.

(Mack, Mr. DeMartino, Jane, and Brittany look at their hands)

Brittany - See? Innocent.

Jane - Me, too.

Daria - Actually, I believe that you are all guilty. You see, I made up that story about the paint, knowing that only the guilty parties would check their hands.

Brittany - Huh?

Jane - All right. I did it, but I had just cause. I worked all my life for that 84 and he just came and took it away, dammit.

(flashback begins)

(Jane opens a cabinet at her house)

Jane (VO) - I was meeting Tom for lunch and didn't want to reek of gunpowder, so I decided to swipe Trent's cyanide. He and the band are saving it in case they don't make it by the time they're fifty.

(in the cafeteria, Kevin is at a table with several football players when Jane enters and watches)

Jane (VO) - I went to the cafeteria and waited for Kevin to perform his daily lunch dance offering to the gods.

(Kevin puts two straws up his nose and inhales milk; he stands and places one finger on each side of his head and dances around as milk drips from the straws)

Kevin (snorts) - I'm a bull with a runny nose! Get it? Running Bull.

(football players laugh and cheer)

Jane (VO) - And then, I slipped the cyanide into his nutty-butter and banana sandwich.

(Jane exits while Kevin continues to run around to the continued cheers of the football players)

(flashback ends)

Jane - But that was it. I didn't strangle him or shoot him with an arrow or even club him. You've gotta believe me. I draw the line at physical exertion.

Mack - Well...

Jane - Wait a minute. I was nowhere near that locker.

Daria - Too late.

Jane - Damn!

Mack - Oh, all right. So I might have hit him a little hard on the head with my club, but only because I wanted him dead.

Brittany - Really? Me, too.

(flashback begins)

(Kevin, holding his throat, staggers down a hallway)

Kevin - Uh, I told Mom no almonds.

(he tries to open a locker near Daria's oversized one; he fails and leans against the bank of lockers; Brittany appears with a bow and arrow and Mack approaches with a golf club)

Mack - Later.

Kevin - Et tu, Mack Daddy?

Mack - I told you to not to call me that!

(he hits Kevin with club)

Brittany - I hope this arrow thingy works.

(she fires arrow; a thud and a groan are heard; Mr. DeMartino walks down the hall)

Mr. DeMartino - A paperboy gets more respect than I do. Better Christmas presents, too.

(Ms. Barch walks up to Kevin's body, kicks it, and she walks away)

Ms. Barch - It's going to be a good day.

(Mr. DeMartino walks up to the body)

Mr. DeMartino - Your ridiculous portrayal of a corpse is an insult to widows and orphans and me!

(he starts choking the body)

Mr. DeMartino - Oh, yeah! This is really working for me. Mmm!

Quinn (VO) - And then she said she doesn't even care if V-necks make her shoulders look slopey.

(the Fashion Club enter at the end of the hall)

Stacy - No?!

(Mr. DeMartino stuffs Kevin's body into Daria's locker)

Mr. DeMartino - We'll finish this later, Kevin. Don't go anywhere. (walks away, laughing maniacally)

(flashback ends)

Ms. Li - This is all very well and good, Ms. Morgendorffer, but I'm afraid it still doesn't explain the gun in your locker.

Quinn - There's my antique water pistol. Excuse me, but I need this. The photographer is here to shoot my calendar.

(Quinn takes pink pistol and exits)

Ms. Li - What the heck! Let's execute her anyway!

(Jake and Helen take Daria's arms and handcuff her)

Helen - Sorry, sweetie. I mean, you low-life weasel.

Jake - Yeah! Hope things work out for you in the beyond.

Daria - Wait. Don't I get a say in this?

(Jake and Helen lead her down hallway)

Ms. Li - Too late. I already ordered the electric chair with your height specifications, and I'd be wasting valuable school funds if I didn't put it to good use.

Jane - Don't worry, I'll take care of your bone collection.

(bell rings, and changes to Daria's alarm going off; she wakes up in bed, still dressed and her hair mussed; the alarm shows 7:30 when she shuts it off; she sits on bed and holds her head, while on the TV, an ad shows a man in a straightjacket being led away by police)

TV Announcer - Can't get auto insurance because no one in their right mind will write you a policy?

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane are walking together down a hallway)

Jane - Wow, that's some dream. It was nice of you to take the rap for killing Kevin.

Daria - You know -- good cause.

(in Mr. DeMartino's classroom)

Mr. DeMartino - Just as I predicted, the cowardly guilty party has refused to come forward. However, I've decided not to automatically fail the rest of you, this time. Those with plummeting scores on this new test will be under great suspicion, as will any individuals I just don't like.

Daria - Doesn't that more or less cover everyone?

(Kevin enters room with a fake arrow through his head, overacting very badly)

Kevin - I'm dying! (fake coughs) Dying. (he laughs)

Jane - Oh, look, Lord Olivier has arrived.

(other students yell and throw papers, pencils and books at Kevin; he takes off the arrow)

Kevin - Just kidding, guys. (laughs)

Mr. DeMartino - Just kidding?

(Mr. DeMartino starts choking Kevin)

Kevin - Hey, Mr. D... that kind of hurts.

Mr. DeMartino - Try winning the Heisemann Trophy without a throat!

Daria - Maybe dreams do come true.

Jane - It could happen to you.

Kevin (VO) - Mr. D? (cough) You can stop now. (nervous laugh) Mr. D?

(closing credits)