402: Antisocial Climbers

Written by Jill Cargerman

(opening theme song)

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - Class, in my hands, I hold a piece of paper which has the potential to open up a world of positive experiences.

Daria - Mandatory home-schooling legislation?

Mr. O'Neill - A sign-up sheet for an overnight hill trek. An excellent opportunity to understand the primal struggle for survival we made it through together in The Call of the Wild.

Jane - Hmm, 24 consecutive hours with our classmates.

Daria - It doesn't get any more primal than that.

Jane - So my guess is you won't be signing up.

Daria - No. My life is so full already that trying biodegradable toilet paper would just bring it to the bursting point. What about you?

Jane - No way. I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.

Daria - You were a Girl Scout?

Jane - Not after the deprogramming.

(at Daria's house)

(all four eating breakfast at the kitchen table)

Jake - (holding cereal box while covering one eye) K-I-N... or is that an "M"? (pounds table) Damn eyes!

Quinn - Oh, Mom, look! These climbing shoes will look so cute with the matching tear-resistant cigarette pants.

Helen - Yes... Daria, is there anything you'd like to order from the catalog?

Daria - How about the tear-resistant new identity? (gets up from table to sit at kitchen counter)

Quinn - Of course, I'll also need the Gore-Tex twin set for impromptu parties.

(Daria turns TV on)

SSW Announcer - Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospital? "Babes in Thailand" tonight on Sick, Sad World.

(Daria turns TV off)

Helen - Dad and I would be happy to help you get outfitted for the field trip, too. Wouldn't we, Jake?

Jake - S-U-G-A... damn! (hits table) What the hell is that letter? (Helen grabs cereal box out of his hands) Hey!

Quinn - Now, I'll need a credit card. Don't worry about the calls, because it's for a field trip, so, technically, we're talking school supplies and "nothing's too good for our girls' education." (giggles)

Jake - You're going on a trip?

Helen - Jake, with Daria and Quinn away overnight, this is the perfect opportunity for us to spend that quality couple's time recommended by our intimacy counselor.

Jake - Great idea! (pause) Who?

Helen - I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in.

Jake - All right.

Daria - I hate to burst this bubble of marital bliss, but since I'm not going on the field trip, you'll have to forego your quality couple's time for the usual inferior couple's time.

Quinn - Okay, Daria's talking so I have to leave now. (gets up from table and walks out)

Helen - Bye, Quinn. (approaches Daria) All right, Daria, name your price.

Daria - Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...

Helen - $30.

Daria - $50.

Helen - Done.

Daria - Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.

Helen - I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. (leaves)

Daria - (resigned voice) $50 should do it.

Jake - "King Tut was buried without his diver." What the hell does that mean?!

Daria - That's "liver," Dad.

Jake - Eww...

(outside the school)

Helen - All right, girls, your father and I will be at the Big River Cabins just a couple of miles from your campsite if you need anything at all.

Jake - Unless it's money. Bye! (drives away)

(Jane approaches)

Daria - Thanks for coming.

Jane - Hey, that's what friends are for. Now, where's that $50?

Daria - (hands money to Jane) You know, I really should have thought this through better.

(Kevin and Brittany walk past, singing off-key)

Kevin and Brittany - John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too...

Jane - Yeah, me, too.

Stacy - Quinn, that scarf is so cute.

Tiffany - Yeah, so cute.

Sandi - I would have brought my really cute scarf, but I was under the impression we were supposed to take clothes that are functional and fashionable.

Quinn - Actually, Sandi, they don't call this a scarf. It's a thermal neck insulator that easily converts into a sling-back heat-dispelling halternative for unseasonably warm weather conditions.

Tiffany - Wow.

Stacy - Wow, you think of everything, Quinn.

Quinn - And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit.

Tiffany - But... why would you bite a snake?

Sandi - You don't understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures. Isn't that right, Quinn?

Quinn - (laughs nervously) Um, look at this stuff.

Stacy - Oh, my God.

Tiffany - Oh, wow.

Mr. DeMartino - Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus. (climbs onto bus)

Ms. Barch - (loads bags into bus luggage bay) Hurry up, girls. You don't want to get left behind.

Jane - You mean it's an option?

Ms. Barch - (closes luggage bay door) Oh, sure, being left behind seems like a cute idea to you now, but when it happens to you after 22 years of squandering your good looks and womanly charms, you might not find it so amusing to be abandoned with nothing but eight bags of dirty laundry and a pyramid of "Beers of the World" empties!

Jane - How does that saying go? "'Tis better to have loved and lost..."

Daria - "If you know a good hit man."

Mr. O'Neill - And finally, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy, you'll be in charge of transporting field supplies. And let's all be respectful of this unspoiled wilderness, okay? Remember, we're in God's high school now. (wheezes) Oh, my, there's a lot of pollen in God's high school. (chuckles)

Jane - You don't suppose we could be in for a blizzard of epic proportions?

Daria - That would only happen if we were stranded in the comfort of our favorite pizza place.

Ms. Li - Don't you worry, girls. We'll reach base camp long before any inclement weather should arrive.

Daria - Thank you, Principal Donner.

Ms. Li - And once I've documented our triumphant ascent with this camera, Lawndale's Wilderness Adventure Club will be a shoo-in for a lucrative sponsorship from Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. "Hanging ten on the edge of the apocalypse..." Ooh!

Jane - But Lawndale doesn't have a Wilderness Adventure Club.

Ms. Li - We do now. Mr. O'Neill, you're artistic. Document these two doing something rugged.

Mr. O'Neill - Okay, girls, let's see that primal instinct. (growls)

(O'Neill tapes Jane yawning and Daria rubbing her nose)

(Quinn attempts to haul her bags as the rest of the Fashion Club walks past)

Quinn - Sandi? Wait up, you guys!

Sandi - I know, Quinn. Why don't you convert one of your mittens into a luggage carrier?

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie quickly approach)

Jamie - Want me to get those for you, Quinn?

Quinn - That is so sweet. Don't fall too far behind! (walks away)

(the Three J's begin fighting over Quinn's bags)

Jeffy - I got them!

Jamie - Come on, man!

Joey - Hey, wait, guys! There are three of Quinn's bags and three of us!

(Joey and Jeffy each grab one of Quinn's bags, dropping the supply bags in the process)

Jeffy - Oh. (drops his supply bag and grabs Quinn's remaining bag)

(on the mountain trail)

Kevin - Hey, babe, I got a surprise for you.

Brittany - Flowers!

Kevin - Oh, you guessed it.

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy... that is so romantic. (sniffs flowers, which releases a swarm of bees) Ow! Ow!

Kevin - Hey, babe... where's my thank-you?

Brittany - (runs down the mountain, chased by bees) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear. You see, kids, even the lowly wildflower humbles us with its crafty defenses, attracting bees or spewing lung-seizing pollen. (wheezes)

Mack - Are you okay, Mr. O'Neill?

Mr. O'Neill - Just seasonal allergies. Nothing my trusty inhaler can't cure... although this one appears to be empty. (wheezes) That's funny. I could have sworn I packed a backup.

Ms. Li - What's the holdup here, mountaineers?

Mack - Mr. O'Neill can't find his inhaler.

Mr. O'Neill - Just... need... rest.

Jane - Uh-oh, teacher down.

Daria - Now we'll have to turn back. Darn.

Ms. Li - No one's turning back. I need those summit celebration shots to really grab those Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. execs by the hacky sacks! Someone will just have to short-rope Mr. O'Neill.

(Li looks at Barch, who does a slow burn as we fade into a montage sequence)

(parody of Gone With the Wind)

Ms. Barch - (bad Southern accent) As God is my witness, I will never pull a man's weight again! (crushes vegetable)

(clip from "The Daria Hunter": Barch smooch-attacks O'Neill)

(clip from "Fair Enough": Barch drags O'Neill under the fortune teller's table)

(clip from "Just Add Water": Barch and O'Neill make out as the ship slowly sinks)

(back to present day)

Ms. Barch - (drags O'Neill via a rope sling) Come on, Skinny.

(at the cabin)

(Jake and Helen enter the cabin, and are clearly underwhelmed)

Jake - This is it? For $95 and change you'd think they'd at least throw in a lousy radio.

Helen - Jake, the whole purpose of this trip is to deepen our relationship without distractions -- no radio, no children, no television, no cell phone... my God, what have I done? What have I done?!

Jake - Hey, look, Helen. A bearskin rug.

Helen - Bearskin? Me-ow! (runs out of shot, clearly intending to disrobe)

Jake - Woof! (runs after her)

(hissing, barking and howling is heard as, presumably, Helen and Jake "put some spice back into their marriage")

(on the mountain trail)

Ms. Li - (to herself) Money, that's corporate. Sponsorship, that's money.

Daria - Weren't we supposed to be at the campsite by now?

Jane - Yeah, but something tells me things aren't going exactly as planned.

(DeMartino joins the group, dragging Barch and O'Neill behind him)

Mr. DeMartino - Please, no one offer to help! I'd hate to take any pressure off of my slipped disc!

Daria - Gee, whatever gave you that idea?

Ms. Li - Don't worry, girls. We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dark, as long as there are no more surprises.

(snow starts falling)

Daria - (deadpan) Surprise.


(on the mountain trail)

Ms. Li - 43, 44, 45... okay, we're missing one. Look around: who's not here who should be?

Daria - Someone with enough common sense to turn back while there was still time?

Jane - Yeah, where is that guy?

Mr. DeMartino - What's that? (Barch grunts) Barch here says O'Neill went back to the buses to look for his inhaler... (Barch whimpers) ...abandoning her after all she's done for him, just like... (Barch grunts) ...every other lousy man she's ever known. "Men!" (Barch whimpers) "I hate their stinking guts!"

Ms. Li - The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him. (heads off)

Jane - Wow, that's kind of heroic.

Daria - He's got her video camera.

Jane - Oh, yeah.

Kevin - Hey, check it out: snow angel! (falls to ground with a distinct "thud")

Mack - You might want to wait until there's a little more snow on the ground.

Jodie - Mr. DeMartino, considering the low visibility, shouldn't we have a buddy system or something?

Mr. DeMartino - I had a buddy once, until I came home one night and he married my mother!

(Jane and Daria hurry past)

Jane - Do we want to hear anymore of this story?

Daria - March, fast!

(at the bunkhouse)

Ms. Barch - (shivers as she lights a lantern) DeMartino... out finding firewood. Get supplies unpacked. Remember, teamwork... (spots student unpacking a sleeping bag) Is that... sleeping bag? Mine! (runs over and grabs bag)

(Jane and Daria enter the bunkhouse, finding the students standing around aimlessly while Barch shivers in the sleeping bag)

Jane - Is it bad if I can't feel my feet?

Daria - That depends. How much do you enjoy walking?

Kevin - Babe, I just want you to know that I'm not mad anymore that you didn't thank me.

Brittany - You wanted me to thank you for this? (points at her swollen face)

Kevin - Eww! But, no... I meant for the flowers.

Jodie - (rummaging through bags) All right, let's get these supply bags open and start distributing blankets, food and... (pulls out a pair of) ...pink ostrich feather earmuffs?

Quinn - Oh, great! I was wondering where those were. (grabs earmuffs)

Mack - (to Three J's) Weren't you guys supposed to be carrying the supply bags?

Jeffy - Yeah...

Mack - So where are they?

Jamie - Back at the buses, maybe?

Joey - Probably.

Jeffy - Definitely.

(students start to converge on Quinn; they are clearly unhappy)

Quinn - What?

Daria - Well, this is interesting. We're isolated in a freak storm with no supplies and no way of contacting the outside world.

Jane - Yeah, but look on the bright side: we're going to see a lynching.

(students advance further)

Quinn - What?!!

(at the cabin)

Jake - Hey, honey, look what I made! A snow turkey!

Helen - Very... abstract, dear.

(snow turkey melts in an instant)

Jake - Damn it! Now I have to start all over again. (heads for the door)

Helen - Jake, aren't you forgetting something?

Jake - Oh, yeah, my gloves... (hand sticks to doorknob; he pries it off) Ow!

Helen - I'm talking about intimacy, Jake. We're supposed to be focusing on each other, not a snow turkey.

Jake - But we did that already, remember? (approaches Helen)

Helen - (exasperated) I mean talking, conversation, communicating.

Jake - Oh, sure... um, you start.

Helen - Well, um...

(wind howls, accenting the distinct lack of conversation)

(at the bunkhouse)

Sandi - Quinn, by causing the supplies to be left behind, you violated the Fashion Club oath.

Quinn - I didn't know there was a Fashion Club oath.

Stacy - Yeah, me either.

Tiffany - Oath?

Sandi - Oh, yes. "To promote a healthy glow by never allowing other members to be deprived of skin-enhancing water reserves." I'm afraid I have to call a vote on your standing, Quinn.

(Quinn gasps)

Daria - I say she gets voted out of the Fashion Club and seeks her revenge from a book depository with a crossbow.

Jane - Really? I say she stays in and becomes their leader, unintentionally bringing about the apocalypse.

Sandi - And who thinks Quinn should be allowed to stay in the Fashion Club?

(Stacy and Tiffany remain silent)

Quinn - Ooh!

Jane - (hands $50 to Daria) It's not the money that hurts; it's having that damn apocalypse postponed again.

(DeMartino confers with Mack and Kevin)

Mr. DeMartino - All right, sport. You and Mack here are going out as search party number one!

Kevin - Cool, a party?

Mr. DeMartino - This isn't going to be a party, Kevin! You're going out into that driving, blinding, flesh-tearing ice storm to look for Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill. Got it?

Kevin - Uh, sure, but where's the funnel?

Mack - Down the trail, right by the dance floor.

Kevin - All right!

(Kevin and Mack leave)

Jodie - But even if they do find Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill, what are we going to do about food?

Mr. DeMartino - That's where search party two comes in. I'm going out in the storm myself, looking for help. The rest of you conserve your energy. Do as little as possible. Pretend you're in class!

Daria - You know, if this storm doesn't let up, it could take days for help to arrive.

Jane - Well, when everybody gets hungry enough, it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first.

Daria - But on the downside, we'll have to wait here with them.

Jane - Good point. Hey, Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you.

Mr. DeMartino - As much as I appreciate your kind, if foolhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too dangerous out there. Once you walk out those doors, you may not be coming back.

Daria - Okay, then we're all on the same page.

Mr. DeMartino - Very well, but dress for survival.

Daria - Well, I was going to dress for perishing, but okay. (walks over to Quinn) Hey, Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?

Quinn - Whatever. (hands scarf over to Daria) I've got my own problems.

Daria - Please stop the sisterly tears of concern. You're making a scene.

Quinn - Look, can you please stop talking to me? If the Fashion Club sees this I'll be like one of those baby birds that gets put back in the nest but the mother knows it's been touched by a human and pecks it to death, understand?

Daria - Sure. You're a birdbrain. (walks away)

Jane - Hey, nice scarf.

Daria - (walking out the door) Look, it converts into a noose.

Jane - Handy.

(out in the blizzard)

Mr. DeMartino - Okay, team, no matter what happens, stick by my side. That's crucial, understand?

Daria and Jane - Yes.

(DeMartino screams as he walks off a cliff)


(out in the blizzard)

Daria - Okay, quick assessment of our situation: we're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help, we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher.

Jane - When you put it that way you make it sound bad.

Daria - Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field trip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void.

Jane - With our luck, we'll probably be reincarnated and have to do high school all over again from the beginning.

Daria - That does it; let's find those buses. (she and Jane begin walking)

(at the bunkhouse)

Quinn - Does anyone want to borrow my sunscreen lip gloss? I've got plenty!

Sandi - Forget it, Quinn. We're not letting you back in the Fashion Club. We have bylaws, you know.

Stacy - We... (wimpers under Sandi's glare)

Quinn - But I told you, it's not my fault the supplies got left behind for my bags.

Stacy - You didn't have to bring so much stuff, Quinn.

Tiffany - It's almost like you were trying to hog the spotlight.

Quinn - What?! That is so not true. I wanted to share all my Hot-I-Rondack stuff with you guys. Here, Stacy, take this camouflage yak fur canteen. And Tiffany, this metallic utility belt with detachable emergency food kit is for you. And Sandi, I wanted to surprise you with this Titanic edition Chenille Gorp bag.

(Jodie approaches)

Jodie - Wait a minute, you brought food and water? We're saved! (examines canteen and food belt) Um, where is the food and water?

Quinn - Well, I was going to bring it along but it just got so bulky. (Jodie drops items and walks away in disgust) I'm sorry I've doomed us to a lingering death, Sandi.

Sandi - Oh, well. Can I have your ostrich feather earmuffs, too?

Quinn - Sure.

Sandi - Welcome back, Quinn.

(at the cabin)

(Helen and Jake are clearly lacking for conversation; Jake suddenly starts whistling)

Helen - No whistling! We're supposed to be bonding!

Jake - Oh, right... (pauses, then whistles again)

Helen - Jake!

Jake - Sorry!

(a half-frozen DeMartino bursts in, screaming)

Helen - Mr. DeMartino! What are you doing here? (quickly covers herself)

Mr. DeMartino - Need... phone!

Helen - I'm sorry, we don't have a phone.

Jake - Or a radio...

Helen - Or a television. Have a seat.

Jake - Get comfy.

Helen - How about a game of charades?

Mr. DeMartino - Need... help! (heads towards door, only to be pulled back in by Jake)

Jake - You'll do fine. Everybody knows how to play charades.

Helen - You go first, Mr. DeMartino.

Mr. DeMartino - But... I...

Helen - Uh, uh, uh! No speaking!

Jake - That's rule number one.

Helen - Is it a book? A TV show?

Jake - An adult movie?

(DeMartino grunts)

(out in the blizzard)

Jane - I think this could really be it!

Daria - What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.

Jane - I don't know, Daria. This is bad.

Daria - Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.

Jane - Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother.

(pause)

Daria - I feel like we should say more.

Jane - I know. That was kind of pathetic.

Daria - Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.

Jane - I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. (pause) Better?

Daria - I've made my peace.

(outside, near a cave)

(Mack approaches Ms. Li, who is examining a pair of underwear attached to a branch like a flag)

Mack - Ms. Li?

Ms. Li - What are you doing here, Mr. MacKenzie? We're miles from the bunkhouse.

Mack - Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you.

Ms. Li - And where is Kevin?

Mack - Um...

Ms. Li - Never mind.

Mack - Okay.

Ms. Li - I think Mr. O'Neill may be in this cave. Let's investigate.

Mack - Um, all right, but I hope he didn't make any other flags. (Li and Mack enter the cave)

(inside the cave)

(O'Neill is camped out around a small fire, the video camera set up on a tripod; the camera is recording O'Neill's last words)

Mr. O'Neill - Hello... Timothy O'Neill here. If you are watching these last words, then you'll know that I'm gone and you've found this camera. Well, you already know that you found the camera, obviously, or how would you have the tape? Actually, if you found the camera, you must have found me. Unless you recovered the camera from looters, although I must say, it's a pretty heinous thing to steal from a frozen man. Although, come to think of it, it's not actually all that cold anymore. And the snow got rid of the pollen. You know, I feel pretty good! (hears scuffling sounds) Ms. Li? Mack?

Ms. Li - O'Neill, you're wasting expensive videotape!

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear.

Ms. Li - Now, put these on and let's go!

(O'Neill chuckles nervously as Li throws his underwear at him)

(outside the cabin)

Jane - So this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip.

Daria - Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&M's.

Jane - Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?

Daria - Who?

Jane - Now, if my calculations are correct, the parking lot is just around this clump of trees here.

(Jane and Daria round the corner, to the sight of Helen doing a hornpipe dance while Jake and DeMartino try to guess what she's doing; obviously, they're playing charades)

Jake - "The Good Ship Lollipop!" Yeah, that's it!

Mr. DeMartino - No, wait! "Popeye the Sailor Man!" Toot, toot!

(Daria hands Jane the $50 bill)

Jane - What's that for?

Daria - Hush money.

(going home in Jake's car)

Helen - How was the field trip after the snow stopped? Did you girls learn anything?

Quinn - I learned that sometimes being too well-dressed can work against you. Who would have thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side? The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit...

Helen - (interrupting) Yes, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?

Daria - I came to the realization that, given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard 'ho for me.

Jake - Good for you, kiddo!

Helen - Jake!

Daria - Wow. After all that quality time, you two are working together like a well-oiled intimacy machine.

Jake - (laughs) Say, girls, when we get home, who's up for a game of family charades?

(going home in the bus)

Brittany - I'm not sitting next to Kevin. I don't care how hard he begs. (looks around) Why isn't he begging?

Jodie - Um...

(outside the bunkhouse)

Kevin - Uh, Mr. D? Mr. O? (laughs nervously) Come out, everyone! (laughs nervously) Um, Q.B. in distress! (laughs nervously)

(closing credits)