310: Speedtrapped

Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil

(opening theme song)

(sitting in car on city street)

Daria - Look, Mike. We've been doing this on a regular basis for some time now, and I enjoy seeing you and all, but I feel like our relationship would be so much better if we could just get past this one little hurdle.

Mike - I agree, Daria. Show me you can parallel park and we'll never speak of it again.

Daria - Will you at last tell me how I'm doing?

Mike - You know I can't do that until I fill out the official form.

(Daria successfully parallel parks)

Mike - Yes! Yes! At last!

Daria - I'll take that as a hint.

(at Jane's house)

(Daria drives up and shows Jane her license)

Jane - Wow. Licensed to drive. The grotesque picture makes it official.

Daria - Thanks.

Jane - So now that you're in the government's master computer for the rest of your life, let's celebrate.

(inside)

(Jane gets frozen cake out of refrigerator)

Jane - Ta-da!

Daria - Um, looks kind of old.

Jane - Yeah, well, I baked it way back when you took the test the first time.

Daria - You baked this?

Jane - Baked, bought. Let's not ruin the moment with a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo.

(Trent and the band arrive)

Trent - Cake.

Jesse - Cool.

Jane - It's for Daria.

Daria - He can have some. I mean, they can have some.

Trent - What's up? Birthday?

Jane - She got her license.

Nick - Whoa! This thing is really hard and cold. You think it's frozen?

Jane - Could be, Nick, could be. It just might have to thaw out.

Jesse - I'll wait.

Max - No you won't. We can't hang around, man. We've got a world tour! World tour!

Jesse - Then we'd better find a hammer. Come on, Nick. (leaves with cake)

Jane - Hey, that's Daria's!

Daria - Let 'em go. They'll give it a good home. What world tour?

Trent - We got a gig in Fremont, 100 miles away.

Daria - It's a small world after all.

Jane - If I could talk to the animals. Anyway, I told you about that, remember? I'm the road management coordinator?

Trent - You mean we're paying you 20 bucks to drive us.

Jane - Let's not cloud the horizon with a lot of semantic hair-splitting.

Trent - You ought to come along, Daria.

Jane - Forget it! I tried. She's house-sitting.

Daria - My folks are going away for the weekend, and I told them I'd keep Quinn from turning the place into a modeling agency.

Trent - Too bad. It's gonna to be cool.

Daria - Yeah. Um, my dad took me with him to Fremont once on a business trip. Isn't it even deader than Lawndale?

Max - Hey, not after the Spiral gets there! We're criminales! We live life on the edge! You go up against the Spiral, we're gonna take you down!

(ice cracks)

Jesse - (shouts) We broke the cake.

Max - See what I mean?

(at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer - Meet the killer whale with a license to practice law. Orca in the Court, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Jake - But how should I know where you put your earrings? I don't wear the darn things.

Helen - Yes, well, I don't wear your shoes, but somehow I always trip over them.

Jake - I don't think that makes sense.

Helen - You don't make sense.

Jake - You!

Helen - Can we just go, please? (to Daria) We did tell you how proud we are that you got your license, didn't we, sweetie?

Daria - Oh, I just sensed it.

Helen - Good. Okay, if there's an emergency your father and I will be at the "Making Marriage Magic" seminar at the Ramada.

Jake - I thought you said it was "First Aid for the Heart" at the Doubletree.

Helen - Oh, Jake! Let's just have silence, okay? No talking.

Jake - You!

Helen - Jake...

(Helen and Jake leave)

Daria - Ah... magic time.

(soft rock begins as Fashion Club arrives)

Quinn - Good, they're gone. We're all alone.

Daria - Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.

Quinn - Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.

Tiffany - Do you think I'd look good with this hair? (holds up magazine)

Quinn - Mmm, it's a little too Professor Know-It-All.

Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Good point.

(phone rings)

Daria - (answers) Hello? You're where?

(split-screen between Daria and Jane)

Jane - Jail! You gotta come get us out.

Daria - What happened?

Jane - That's the good part. I got it on tape. When Mike Wallace gets through with these backwater cops, they're not gonna know what hit 'em.

(flashback through camcorder)

Max - Maybe you should put that camera away. We don't want to antagonize this guy.

Trent - Hey, Max, I thought you were a criminale.

Max - I am. It's the cop I'm worried about. If he goes up against me, I mean.

Jane - Don't worry, Max. This is gonna look great in your video.

Officer - Hi, kids. Hi, Mom. Peace! (chuckles, sighs) I don't know if you know it but you swerved over the double line a couple of times back there. 'Fraid I'm gonna have to write you up a ticket. Can I see your license, miss?

Jane - Okay, but do you think you could be just a little more menacing?

Officer - How about this? Grr, grr! (chuckles)

Jane - I was hoping you could drag one of the these guys out of the car and beat him. Max, you're by a door.

Max - No! Cut it out!

Officer - Oh, gee, I don't think so.

Jane - What if you just kind of bumped him a little?

Max - Hey!

(in the present)

Daria - Wow, sounds really brutal. But why are you in jail if he just gave you a ticket?

Jane - We're from out of state, so we're supposed to pay the fine at the sheriff's office right away. It's a hundred bucks, and we don't have it.

Daria - I don't, either.

Jane - Obviously. Look, go over to my house. Use the door with the broken lock. There's some money in the living room table, in the drawer with the missing handle. Oh, and while you're there, Trent wants you to pick up his song notebook. It's under his bed in the burnt shoe box.

Daria - How am I supposed to get it to you?

Jane - You have a license, don't you? And listen, hurry up. I'm a survivor, but I'm not so sure about the other guys.

(in the band's cell)

Max - (sobs) He was going to drag me out of the car and beat me!

Trent - Be cool, man.

Jesse - You could have had him.

Nick - Don't worry.

Trent - Don't wig out.

Jesse - You could have taken him.

(Daria hangs up)

Daria - Oh, boy. I knew I wasn't ready for this.

Quinn - What's the matter?

Stacy - (holds up magazine) It's these shoes. (sobs) They're just so beautiful!

Sandi - It's okay.

Quinn - Don't cry.

Tiffany - I can lend you some money.

(at Jane's house)

(Daria rummages under Trent's bed)

Daria - Please, God, no amusing surprises. Ah. (pulls notebook out) Um... maybe just a peek. "My heart is like an open wound that reads the tea leaves of its doom." What? "Soothe me with redemption's love like a heat-proof kitchen glove." God, I hope this is a first draft.

(at Daria's house)

(Daria gets into car)

Daria - Okay, car, this is strictly between us. Don't ask, don't tell. (starts engine)

(Quinn gets into car)

Quinn - Okay, let's do it!

Daria - Quinn, what are you doing?

Quinn - I'm not gonna just sit here while you drive off to some far, unknown land to get your friends out of jail! What if something unexpected happens?

Daria - You're worried about me?

Quinn - Let me rephrase that: what if something cool happens?

Daria - Well, I suppose it would be smart in case there's some emergency.

Quinn - Great. I get to pick the music. (turns on light pop music)

Daria - Isn't there something else on?

Quinn - Forget it. This is the only music I can listen to.

Daria - Well, can you turn it down?

Quinn - You're not the boss of me! Now, are we busting your friends out of jail or not?


(on the freeway)

(Daria drives slowly and cautiously)

Quinn - Tense?

Daria - No. There's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.

Quinn - It's not so hard.

Daria - How would you know? Dah! A giant truck!

Quinn - Pull over, Daria.

(car pulls over, then drives off with Quinn behind the wheel)

Daria - I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?

Quinn - God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?

Daria - Aren't you terrified?

Quinn - It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all day.

Daria - Actually, I wouldn't mind if...

Quinn - Your turn. (pulls car over)

Daria - But you just started. (sees hitchhiker approaching) No way! We are not picking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get?

Quinn - He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.

Daria - Mom and Dad would crucify us.

Quinn - (sarcastically) Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.

Daria - You mean, I'm an accessory?

Quinn - Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering us.

Travis - Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.

Quinn - You're not going to murder us, are you?

Travis - Shoot, no.

Quinn - See? All you have to do is ask.

(Quinn gets into back seat with Travis)

(at the Fremont sheriff's office)

Officer - Here. Get to know some tourists. (closes cell door)

Stan - Hey, I know my rights. (to guys) You guys a band?

Max - Yeah.

Stan - I used to know a few musicians in my time, back when they did it for love, not the money. Perhaps you fellows have heard of Jimi Hendrix.

Nick - (awed) You knew Hendrix?

Stan - You know how he played solos with his teeth?

Trent - You taught him that?

Stan - No, but one time when he broke a string, I drove him to the dentist.

(in Jane's cell)

(Jane draws on wall as woman approaches)

Sally - That's not bad.

Jane - Thanks. It's a copy.

Sally - I want one.

Jane - I think you can get a poster of the original.

Sally - I don't want it for my wall. (points at her upper arm)

Jane - (nervously) Huh.

(driving down the highway)

Travis - Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb over the fence.

Quinn - Wow, Travis, what a great story!

Daria - Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.

Travis - Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away.

Daria - We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band.

Quinn - Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.

Daria - Stop being reckless.

Travis - Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too.

Daria - Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.

Quinn - Play us something, Travis.

Travis - Do you like country music?

Quinn - It's practically the only music I can listen to.

Daria - Wait, I thought...

Quinn - Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis.

Travis - Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. (plucks guitar)

(at the Fremont sheriff's office)

Sally - Aw, shoot, this don't even hurt.

Jane - Of course not. I'm using a rollerball.

Sally - What?! I told you, I want a tattoo.

Jane - It is a tattoo. It's just not permanent.

Sally - Hey, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I want something that's gonna last. Some of your art there. And you're gonna give it to me.

Jane - How's it gonna be my art, sister, if you're dictating the medium of expression? (stares woman down)

Sally - (grumbles) Okay, but press hard!

Jane - Oh, I'll be pressing.

(driving down the highway)

Travis - (sings) So don't call him a cowboy until you see him ride.

Daria - Well, thanks for the unforgettable two hours of great country music.

Quinn - It was super!

Travis - Man, you don't know how nice it is to meet some real classic country fans.

Daria - Well, give us a call when you do.

Quinn - Don't listen to her, Travis.

Travis - Hey, she's just showing off that city gal sense of humor. Deep down, I know she's a cowgirl. (car stops at Mad Dawg's bar) Thank you both kindly. Bye, now. (leaves)

Quinn - Bye! Good luck with your audition! (gets into front seat) What a nice guy... and talented.

Daria - Yes, he's mastered the art of sticking out his thumb.

Quinn - And we'd never have met him if you'd had your way. I don't think you're a cowgirl at all.

Daria - I thought you couldn't listen to country music.

Quinn - Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. (turns on light pop music)

(at the Fremont sheriff's office)

Stan - Then Sid -- Sid Vicious -- put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Stan, you taught me how to play, you taught me how to look, you taught me attitude. You know what you did? You invented punk." Two days later, he was dead.

Nick - Really?

Max - No way.

Stan - Yes, way. That's how it happened. I know, because I was there.

Jesse - Whoa, cool.

Trent - You got a lot of stories, I'll say that.

Stan - That's just the tip of the iceberg, my man. Got many more, many more... but I can feel my blood sugar on the brink of a plunge. I don't suppose you've squirreled away any emergency sustenance?

Jesse - Huh?

Stan - You got any food?

Trent - Sorry, man.

Nick - Sorry, dude.

Trent - All tapped out.

Max - Uh-huh.

Jesse - Wait -- cake.

Stan - Excellent. (grabs cake and starts eating) Wh... where was I? Oh, yes. The birth of KISS, and how I taught Gene Simmons to put on makeup.

(in Jane's cell)

Sally - So, you're saying that aliens like art, too?

Jane - No, I'm simply posing the question, what if an eggbeater is considered great art on Mars; would that make it art to us?

Sally - Hell, an eggbeater can be evidence. Why not art?

Officer - What the heck is going on here?

Jane - Temporary tattoos. Fun for the whole family.

Officer - I mean that flag. It's all the wrong colors.

Jane - It's an homage to Jasper Johns, an important late-20th Century artist. Besides, I don't have red.

Officer - Lady, you just crossed a major line. We do not make sport of our nation's star-spangled banner in this here establishment.

Jane - You don't get it -- it's art.

Officer - Wrong. It's a trip to the sheriff! And I don't think he's gonna like what he sees.

(outside the Fremont sheriff's office)

Daria - We made it. I did it. I got us here in one piece.

Quinn - Slowly.

Daria - But surely. Now, let's deal with the law. (looks through backpack) Oh, boy. This isn't right. (looks through glove compartment) Oh, no. This is very bad. Very bad.

Quinn - What's wrong?

Daria - A cute cowboy stole our money!

(commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted)

Quinn - Um, actually, that's not entirely true.

Daria - What?

Quinn - Remember when we stopped at that little town so you could unclench your hands? Travis and I kind of went shopping.

Daria - That money was for Jane and Trent.

Quinn - I know, but Travis bought me an outfit, and he was so excited, he forgot to pay, and anyway, he didn't have any money, and I think it's really gingham.

Daria - You spent all of Jane's money on clothes?

Quinn - Of course not! I lent the rest to Travis for a bus ticket home. Don't worry, he's gonna repay us when he gets back.

Daria - You moron. How are we supposed to get Jane and Trent out of jail?

Quinn - Oh... see, I told you something unexpected would happen. (chuckles nervously)


(outside Mad Dawg's)

Quinn - What are you going to say to him?

Daria - What am I going to say to him? You're going to tell him the truth. You gave him money that wasn't yours and you need it back.

Quinn - Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate that we have to resort to the truth?

Daria - When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night.

(girls enter bar)

Daria - Okay, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Quinn - It's just a bar. They're all alike.

Daria - How would you know?

Quinn - God, Daria, what do you think people do on...

Daria - Never mind. (to bartender) Excuse me, but you wouldn't have seen a cowboy come in recently? (everyone there is a cowboy) Um, he was kind of, you know, rugged looking. (everyone there is rugged looking) He was here to audition for a job singing.

Bartender - We've had a few people in here like that.

Daria - This guy sings country music.

Bartender - Like I said.

Daria - Right, of course. Okay, well, thanks for your time. Good luck cleaning those glasses.

(outside Mad Dawg's)

Quinn - What was that? He didn't tell us anything.

Daria - I know. These cowboy guys are all alike.

Quinn - Daria, all guys are all alike. The secret is knowing how to ask them.

Daria - And how am I supposed to ask them?

Quinn - You can't just be all meek and respectful. You have to remember that line about how you catch more flies with money.

Daria - Excuse me, but if it weren't for your total recklessness, it wouldn't matter that I'm meek, because we wouldn't be in this situation.

Quinn - Don't worry, I may be reckless but I'm also a problem-solver. Hand me that bag, will you?

(Daria and Quinn re-enter Mad Dawg's)

(Quinn, dressed as a cowgirl, climbs on top of bar)

Daria - Uh, Quinn?

Quinn - Attention, guys. We're just two little city gals from Lawndale.

Cowboy #1 - Lawndale's a suburb.

Quinn - Right. And we know we shouldn't be here, but some friends of ours got pulled over by the sheriff recently. We brought the bail money to get them out, and now some mean old cowboy's stolen it. Now, I'm not saying all cowboys are mean or old or thieves, but it does make me think twice about ever considering a cowboy for a boyfriend.

(cowboys murmur)

Cowboy #1 - Well, heck, little lady, I've been pulled over myself. It's humiliating, and bad for the soul. Here's ten bucks. (puts money into jar)

Cowboy #2 - Doggone it, we're not all bad, little miss. Take 20. (puts money into jar)

Cowboy #3 - Now hold on. How do you know we're not the ones being flimflammed here? You fast-talking suburban gals think you can just march in and con some cowboys? Is that your game?

Quinn - (nervously) Um, no, not at all!

Cowboy #3 - You think we're a bunch of dumb hicks. What do you know about us?

Daria - I don't call 'em cowboys till I see 'em ride.

Cowboy #3 - What?

Daria - 'Cause a Stetson hat and them fancy boots don't tell me what's inside.

Cowboy #3 - Hey, that's Conway Twitty. You like Conway Twitty music?

Daria - You bet your lonesome prairie campfire I do, partner.

Cowboy #3 - All right! Now these are cowgirls. Fellas, step on up here and empty your pockets.

(everyone starts putting money into jar)

Quinn - We'll be through the criminal justice system and home in time for Buffy. Good thinking, Daria!

Daria - Shut up, Shorty.

(at the Fremont sheriff's office)

Officer - Now, I'm not gonna have to come out and stop you from chasing your husband with a skillet again, am I?

Sally - Well, that depends. You think you can come out and stop him from saying or doing something stupid first?

Officer - I wish. But I don't have time to ride herd on every stupid man in this county. Especially judges. (woman leaves)

Daria - Uh, hi. We're here to pick up our friend, Jane Lane.

Officer - Who?

Daria - Jane Lane, and Trent Lane. They're with a band.

Officer - Oh, yeah, they're not here anymore. They're with... the sheriff.

(at the VFW hall)

(sounds of shrill screaming from within)

Quinn - That doesn't sound very good.

Daria - You go first.

Quinn - You go first.

Daria - Together.

(inside the VFW hall)

(more screaming, shrieking, and soft guitar playing)

(Daria and Quinn find Jane giving kids temporary tattoos)

Jane - Finally.

Daria - Sorry. It's been a long day.

Jane - Tell me about it.

Daria - How'd you get out of jail?

Jane - Well, it was a little dicey with that jerk deputy. Oops, sorry, Tina.

Tina - It's okay. When Daddy puts on the uniform, he's a whole different person.

Jane - But lucky for me, the sheriff's a big fan of Picasso.

Daria - Not bad.

Jane - It's his daughter's birthday. We're working off our debt to society.

Daria - We? Where's the band?

(in the other room)

Trent - One, two, three, four!

Stan - (sings) I've been working on the railroad...

Trent - (sings) Every pointless day!

Stan - (sings) I've been working on the railroad...

Trent - (sings) While my life gets pissed away!

Stan - (sings) Can't you hear the whistle blowing?

Trent - (sings) Shatter my dreams in the morn!

Stan - (sings) Can't you hear the capt'n shouting?

Trent - (sings) Wish I was never born!

(cheering and applause)

Trent - Thank you, thank you.

Stan - Play all night!

Daria - I guess we're a little late, but maybe you want this, anyway. (hands notebook to Trent)

Trent - Excellent. You didn't read any of this, did you?

Daria - Uh... no.

Trent - Cool. It's kind of personal. Okay, guys, this next number's an original tune. It's called "Paingasm." Hope you enjoy it. One, two, three, four! (starts strumming)

(outside the VFW hall)

Jane - So, it appears you Morgendorffer girls can actually get along, hmm?

Daria - For brief periods, spaced many days apart.

Quinn - We did make a pretty good team.

Daria - Maybe you should quit the Fashion Club and we could just go around solving crimes.

Quinn - But that's what the Fashion Club is all about: solving crimes against fashion.

Daria - I hope jail wasn't too bad for you.

Trent - Nah.

Nick - We met the guy who invented punk music and introduced rice to the Japanese.

Jesse - Cool guy.

Trent - You didn't really believe him, did you?

Nick - Hey, man, you weren't there; he was.

Max - Hey, look! They made me a junior deputy!

(driving back home)

Daria - That was nice what you said -- that we make a good team.

Quinn - I guess sometimes being timid works just as well as being confident.

Daria - I'm not timid.

Quinn - Oh, my gosh, look! It's Travis! (leans out window)

Daria - Seriously, do you really think I'm timid?

Quinn - Yes, but it doesn't matter. (shouts and waves) It's Travis!

Daria - I'm not timid.

(Daria accelerates and aims car at Travis)

Quinn - What are you doing? Daria? Daria!

(Quinn screams as Daria runs over Travis' suitcase)

Daria - Okay, now do you think I'm timid?

Quinn - Um, no. Why don't we just put on some music and relax?

Daria - I'll pick the music.

Quinn - Fair enough.

(Daria turns on country music)

Quinn - Ew!

Daria - You know, I'm starting to like this stuff.

(closing credits)