209: Ill

Written by Peter Gaffney

(opening theme song)

(at the Zōn)

Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.

(music begins)

Trent and Jesse - (singing) I'm glad you're happy watching my pain, burning crop circles on my soul's waves of grain. We had no love scene but you've cut to the chase, you're chopping off my nose to spite my face. Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow...

Jane - You want to go for a burger after this?

Daria - What?

Jane - (shouts) You want to go for a burger after this?

Daria - (shouts) What?

Jane - (shouts) Burger! Get! Get burger!

(music stops, applause)

Daria - Get burger? Hmm... okay. This place does put me in the mood for meat.

Jane - Cool. I'll tell Trent we're going with him.

Daria - With... Trent?

Jane - Yeah, the band's going over to Cluster Burger. You're not going to act like a complete nitwit, are you?

Daria - Define complete. Um, I just need to go to the bathroom.

Jane - Good idea. Check your lack of makeup.

(Daria approaches bathroom)

Guy - (emerges, coughs) All yours, dude.

(Daria enters bathroom)

Brittany - (groans and squeaks) I can't stand this. What was I thinking?

Daria - Brittany?

Brittany - All right, so Kevin is a stupid, selfish, conceited jerk. He's still better than Terry or Jerry or whatever his name is and this stupid club.

Daria - Who's Terry or Jerry?

Brittany - Oh, no! I've said too much! Eww. What happened to your neck?

Daria - Huh?

Brittany - Your neck. It's all, like, blotchy.

Daria - Ugh. I don't know.

Brittany - I'm not surprised you could catch something in a horrible place like this.

Daria - Uh, Brittany, could you do me a favor?

Brittany - Um... yes?

Daria - Find Jane and tell her I had to leave?

Brittany - Sure, but... will you promise not to tell Kevin about Terry or Jerry or whoever?

Daria - In the unlikely event that, through some bizarre set of circumstances, I actually end up conversing with Kevin, I won't tell him about Terry or Jerry.

Brittany - Thanks!

Trent - Daria? You in there?

(Daria runs into stall)

Brittany - Don't worry. (to Trent) Have some consideration for female modesty, please!

Trent - Oh, sure. Sorry.

(four girls exit bathroom)

Brittany - I'll tell Jane.

Daria - I won't tell Kevin.

(Brittany leaves)

(Daria emerges from stall)

(Daria avoids Jane, Trent and Jesse)

Daria - Emergency. Yes, that is correct.

(Daria exits building, heads towards front)

Jane - Daria!

(Daria jumps into taxi)

Daria - Let's go.

(taxi pulls away)

Driver - Where to?

Daria - Um...

(driver groans in disgust)

(at Daria's house)

Reporter - What makes a happy, vibrant, involved teen become a surly, resentful, withdrawn teen?

Jake - Yeah, what?

Reporter - Drugs, that's what. The old story hits a new generation.

(door closes)

Helen - Daria, is that you?

Daria - Yeah, hi, good night.

Jake - Oh, my gosh, Helen, you don't think Daria...

Helen - Jake, she was never happy, vibrant or involved. Besides, she's a straight-A student.

Jake - That could be her cover! Her pupils -- we should check her pupils. What did I do with that pamphlet?

Helen - Jake, please.

Jake - For all we know, she's dealing Mary Jo out of the rec room.

Helen - That's Mary Jane, and we don't have a rec room.

(in the morning)

(Daria's alarm clock beeps)

(Daria wakes up, gasps, runs into bathroom, sighs in relief)

(in the kitchen)

Helen - It's briefs and bagels day at the Carlyle. (leaves)

Jake - (clears throat) Uh, Daria, I wanted to talk to you about something. (laughs nervously) Have you seen this pamphlet?

Daria - Huh? "Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes. Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes. Hmm. About three times a week. And not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.

Quinn - What?

Daria - Although you might want to check her pupils.

Jake - (laughs nervously) I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria.

Daria - Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer.

(doorbell rings, Daria leaves)

Jake - Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer?

Quinn - I can show you, Daddy.

(Daria opens front door)

Jane - Well, look who it is. Invisible girl.

(walking to school)

Daria - Look, I'm sorry about last night

Jane - Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.

Daria - You're sure that wasn't her brain?

Jane - No, there was too much of it. Any idea what caused this so-called rash?

Daria - I wish I knew.

Jane - Anyway, the important thing is that instead of going to your friends for help, you ran screaming into the night.

Daria - Basically.

Jane - Perfectly logical response.

Daria - I thought so.

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - Arrogant, proud, vain... thuggish. King Lear is all of these and worse. And yet, if we tilt our figurative head to the side and squint just so, isn't he also just a little... cuddly?

(Daria sees rash re-appear, leaves the room)

Mr. O'Neill - What is it about tyrants that makes them so... I don't know, charismatic? Our own Ms. Li... Daria? Oh, dear. Perhaps I should ask if anyone else might wish to be excused because of the emotionally sensitive nature of today's subject matter.

(entire class leaves)

(Daria runs into the bathroom)


(in the bathroom)

Quinn - Eww! Gross!

Daria - Is there a bathroom in this town without someone I know in it?

Quinn - What happened to your face?

Daria - I don't know. It's a rash or something.

Quinn - Okay, don't panic. I'm sure I have something here. (rummages through backpack) Let's see, moisturizing cream with aloe. Too late for that. Well, there's hydro-eight, the ultimate pimple medicine, except that's not really pimples.

Daria - I don't get it. You're really helping me?

Quinn - Skin-care crises transcend personality conflicts, Daria. It's in the fashion club bylaws. And this is obviously a crisis. Ick. (more rummaging) Now, this is poxicil for non-specific blemishes, and this is salosocilin for a micro-zit condition.

Daria - I don't really think any of those are what I need.

Quinn - Yeah. It's time for some serious prescriptions.

Daria - Hey, what are you doing with all that stuff? Your skin's fine.

Quinn - And it's going to stay that way. Well, sorry I can't help. Bye. (leaves)

(Daria goes to nurse's office)

Nurse Chase - Eww!

(split-screen between Helen and Jake)

Helen - Jake, honey, we have a problem. Daria is in the school nurse's office.

Jake - Oh, my God, what is it? What did they find on her? Just tell me it's not too late for rehab!

Helen - Oh, Jake, will you get a grip? She has a rash and they want her to see a doctor right away.

Jake - Rashes, rashes...

Helen - I had Marianne call Dr. Davidson, but the thing is, I've got this big Calco meeting...

Jake - I can be at the school in... 11 minutes. (hangs up) Rashes... never mind, no time now. (comes back and picks up pamphlet)

(on the highway)

Jake - Damn it! (horns honking) Go to hell, you reckless bastard! My kid's got a rash! Ah, the damn window's up! I said, go to hell, you reckless... hey, hey, get back here!

(at Dr. Davidson's office)

Dr. Davidson - Hmm. Daria, I assume the inner lining of your pillow doesn't contain any synthetic fibers.

Daria - Um, okay.

Dr. Davidson - You don't drink carbonated beverages, do you?

Daria - Yes.

Dr. Davidson - Do you stay away from foods with artificial colors, bleach, flour and refined sugar?

Daria - No. What have I got?

Dr. Davidson - (laughs) I haven't the slightest idea. Probably some kind of allergy but we can't rule out something a bit more... serious. Especially with the slight fever you're running. Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to check you into the hospital for some tests.

Daria - No way.

(at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital)

Orderly - There you go. Nice, fresh sheets, and all tucked in. You'd never know that poor Mrs. Sullivan just lay here and...

Daria - Who?

Orderly - Nobody, no one. See you tomorrow. (leaves)

Daria - Dad. Dad!

Jake - Huh?

Daria - You look thirsty. Why don't you go get a soda?

Jake - Oh, there's water here. I don't want to leave you.

Daria - Go ahead, Dad. I'll be fine. Treat yourself to a nice root beer... in a frosty cold can.

Jake - Frosty cold can... you know, I wouldn't mind a root beer! How about you, kiddo?

Daria - I'm fine. Go on, now.

Jake - Be right back. (leaves)

(Daria dials phone)

(split-screen between Daria and Jane)

Jane - Yo!

Daria - Hi.

Jane - Hi. Where are you?

Daria - The hospital.

Jane - What?

Daria - Just for a night or two, while they run some tests.

Jane - Bummer.

Daria - It's no big deal, but the thing is, I'd rather you didn't tell anybody about this rash.

(Helen gasps)

Daria - I'll call you back. (hangs up)

(Helen and Quinn enter room)

Helen - Oh, sweetie. Oh, my goodness, just look at you.

Daria - Hi, Mom. Good to see you, too. Dad's getting a soda.

(Jake enters room)

Helen - Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?

Jake - No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.

Helen - No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?

Jake - But I...

Quinn - Hi, Daria.

Daria - Hi, Quinn.

Helen - If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

Daria - You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

Helen - I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? (leaves) Nurse... nurse... nurse!

Jake - You said I could have a root beer.

(at school)

Brittany - Jane?

Jane - Brittany? What happened to your hair?

Brittany - Never mind that now. Have you seen... (whispers) Daria?

Jane - Why would you want... Daria?

Brittany - What makes you think I want her? I don't want her.

Jane - You asked me if I'd seen her.

Brittany - She hasn't told you anything... interesting about me, has she?

Jane - No one's ever told me anything interesting about you.

Brittany - That's a relief.

Jane - Anyway, she'll be back in a day or two. She's in the hospital while they check out that ra... rare condition.

Brittany - Condition?

Jane - Yeah, she's come down with a slight case of, um, brain fever. It's a thing that brains get.

Brittany - Wow, that sounds serious.

Jane - No, no, usually if you just read a best-seller it'll go away. So, um, no need to mention it to anyone. I'll tell her you asked about her.

Brittany - Just ask her if she remembers our deal.

Jane - What deal?

Brittany - What deal?

Jane - The deal you just mentioned.

Brittany - I didn't say anything about a deal. Forget I said anything about a deal.

Jane - Forget I said anything about a hospital.

Brittany - Okay!

Jane - Hey! Now we have a deal.

Brittany - What deal?

Jane - Later. (leaves)

Brittany - (twirls hair) Brain fever...

(at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital)

(Jake snores)

SSW Announcer - Death wore velvety green. Homicidal house plants, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Helen and Dr. Phillips enter room)

Helen - The word malpractice must still have some meaning.

Dr. Phillips - Mrs. Morgendorffer, I assure you... (shivers) Wasn't this Mrs. Sullivan's room?

Helen - Who?

Dr. Phillips - Never mind. How are you doing, Daria? I'm Dr. Phillips.

Daria - Hello.

QUinn - Hi, I'm Quinn. I get sick, too.

Dr. Phillips - Hello, Quinn.

QUinn - I think the way you save peoples' lives is really cool.

Dr. Phillips - Thank you. Daria, they'll be coming by soon to take a little blood. Besides this rash, is there anything else that's been bothering you?

Helen - She's been sniffling. I think she may have allergies but she insists she doesn't.

Jake - (wakes) Sniffling? Where's that pamphlet?

Helen - Jake, get up and let the doctor sit down.

Dr. Phillips - No, no, no, that's all right. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind leaving the room for a moment, there are a couple of rather personal questions I'd like to ask Daria.

Jake - Of course. (leaves)

Quinn - Don't bother. She hasn't done anything. (leaves)

Dr. Phillips - You, too, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen - Oh... all right. (leaves)

Daria - Let's make this short. I don't use drugs and I'm not sexually active.

Dr. Phillips - (chuckles) No, of course not.

Daria - What do you mean, "of course not"?

Dr. Phillips - I mean, if you say so.

Daria - So then, what did you want to ask me?

Dr. Phillips - Nothing in particular. I just thought you could use a break from your parents for a while. You play gin rummy?

Daria - Sure.

(Dr. Phillips begins dealing cards)

Dr. Phillips - Actually, I did want to ask you one thing.

Daria - Yeah?

Dr. Phillips - What is it with your mother?


(in the hospital)

(dream sequence)

(ghost of Mrs. Sullivan floats into room)

Daria - Who are you?

Mrs. Sullivan - I am Eleanor Sullivan. This is my room.

Daria - There must be some kind of mistake. The nurses' station is down the hall.

Mrs. Sullivan - Hmm...

Daria - Eleanor Sullivan? Mrs. Sullivan?

Mrs. Sullivan - You mustn't be frightened. I was frightened. Especially during those final agonies, ohhh! But that was before I knew where I was going. Come.

(Daria and Mrs. Sullivan float out the window and enter Heaven)

Daria - Where are we going?

Mrs. Sullivan - My dear, don't you know?

Daria - Is this Heaven?

Mrs. Sullivan - Mmm, it has many names.

Daria - It's beautiful.

Mrs. Sullivan - Yes.

Guy #1 - Hey, what's up? You wanna party?

Daria - Excuse me?

Guy #2 - Hey, babe, why don't you take your glasses off and relax?

Daria - Um, I'm plenty relaxed. You can tell by my deep, rhythmic breathing.

Guy #1 - Oh, man, what'd you do? Bring us another brain?

Mrs. Sullivan - Look, I just go where they tell me.

Daria - Um, is there a problem?

Guy #2 - This is Heaven, sweetheart. What would we want with a brain?

Daria - I don't...

Mrs. Sullivan - Sorry.

(Daria falls through clouds, screaming)

(Daria awakens, gasping)

(at Pizza King)

Kevin - Babe, what happened to your hair?

Brittany - Never mind that now. Did you know that Daria has brain fever?

Jodie - Brain fever?

Brittany - Yeah. Doesn't that sound serious?

Mack - You get the scalpel. We can use my dad's barn as an operating room.

Brittany - Your dad doesn't have a barn.

Kevin - We could use your basement.

Jodie - Brittany, I'm sure if it was serious, Daria would be in the hospital.

Brittany - Um...

Jodie - What? She is in the hospital?

Brittany - Eep!

Jodie - She's not in the hospital.

Brittany - (squeals, then non-stop) I promised I wouldn't say anything about the hospital because I made a deal with Daria and she kept her part and I kept my part but then I made another deal with Jane and I didn't even know I was making it and now I didn't keep my part because I told about the hospital so now Jane's going to tell about the deal and I didn't mean anything by it I just wanted to see what other kids do at night who don't do sports and he didn't mean anything to me, Kevvy, I swear it!

Kevin - So... she is in the hospital.

(at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital)

Dr. Phillips - I'm sorry about all this blood work, Daria, but so far, all signs are good.

Daria - Other than my having turned into Ms. Tomato Head, you mean.

Dr. Phillips - Well, yeah.

(Jane enters room)

Daria - Hi.

Jane - Hey.

Daria - Jane, this is Dr. Phillips.

Dr. Phillips - Pleased to meet you. Friend, not family, right?

Jane - How can you tell?

Dr. Phillips - Daria seemed happy to see you. (to Daria) I'll stop by later.

Daria - Okay, thanks.

(Dr. Phillips leaves room)

Jane - Ooh-la-la. Doctor, I have a pain.

Daria - Please. The man is a butcher. Look what he's done to my face.

Jane - That's pretty red. Um, what is it?

Daria - So far, the tests are all negative, so probably nothing. Like I need this.

Jane - What?

Daria - A big, bright mysterious rash covering my skin.

Jane - I know! And here you were, perfectly capable of alienating people on personality alone.

Daria - You know, you could have just sent flowers.

Jane - Hey, it's not so bad. And it'll go away -- if not this year, then definitely next.

Jane - At least no one at school has seen it. They probably haven't even noticed I'm gone.

(Brittany enters room)

Brittany - Daria?

Daria - Brittany? What are you doing here?

Brittany - Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, but I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you doing that.

Jane - We had a deal?

Brittany - And to see how you were. Um, you're kind of red.

Daria - Yes, but I'm probably okay.

Brittany - Great!

Jane - What was our deal?

(Jodie and Mack enter room)

Jodie - Daria?

Daria - What are you doing here?

Jodie - Well, Brittany said you had some brain fever or something, but you weren't in the hospital. So I kept asking Jane, who finally admitted you had a rash and you were in the hospital.

Mack - So we just figured we'd come down here and see for ourselves.

Daria - I'm probably okay...

Mack - So that's cool.

Daria - ... for a human lobster.

Jodie - Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. (looks at Mack) Well, it could happen to lots of people.

(Quinn enters room)

Quinn - Daria?

Daria - Quinn?

Quinn - How are you?

Daria - Oh, I'm...

Quinn - Is that Dr. Phillips coming by today? I've got, um, a twinge.

(Kevin enters room)

Kevin - Daria?

Daria - Kevin?

Brittany - What are you doing here?

Kevin - I went over to Mack's house and, like, the basement was empty. Daria, am I glad to see you.

Daria - Um, thanks, Kevin.

Kevin - I was afraid they'd start the operation without me.

Mack - It's a long story.

Jodie - Maybe later, when you have your strength back.

(Mrs. Sullivan enters room)

Mrs. Sullivan - Daria?

Daria - Who are you?

Mrs. Sullivan - I'm Mrs. Sullivan. Did I leave an enema bag here?

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Dr. Phillips was very nice. He said Daria's rash was probably triggered by anxiety. He gave us a prescription in case it doesn't go away on its own.

Jake - Anxiety? Well, what could be giving you anxiety, sweetie?

Daria - Um, let's see. Every aspect of my life? (doorbell rings) That's Jane. See you. (gets up to leave)

Helen - Daria?

Daria - Yeah?

Helen - Your father and I just want you to know we're very proud of the way you handled this situation.

Jake - That's right, kiddo.

Daria - I didn't do anything but sit there like a crash dummy while they took blood. (beat) You were worried, weren't you?

Helen - Daria, we're your parents.

Daria - Yeah, well... (mumbles) Thanks for being there for me. (leaves)

Jake - Did she just say...?

Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment.

(Daria opens front door)

Jane - Hey, ready to go?

Daria - Yeah.

Jane - Trent's going to give us a ride.

Daria - Trent?

(opens door wider to reveal Trent)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

(Daria's rash quickly re-appears)

Daria - What?

(closing credits)