The Unfaked Interview With Tim Nasson*
By Crusader

Originally published on

Tim Nasson

Photo by Annie Leibovitz

(PALM SPRINGS, CA -- November 10, 2004) Longtime and well respected openly gay celebrity in-person and face-to-face interviewer Tim Nasson made a trip from Boston to Palm Springs, California in late October. I met up with him in front of the Caliente Tropics Resort where Nasson was interviewing actress Sharon Stone during a break in the shooting of "Alpha Dog," a movie directed by Nick Cassavetes. After Tim finished smoking a joint with the mega-superstar, we headed down the street to the exclusive Le Parker Meridian Hotel, formerly known as Merv Griffin Resort, formerly known as Givenchy, formerly known as The Gene Autry Hotel.

We sat down to a $400 lunch which my publisher was so gracious to pay for. In fact, I am not ashamed to report that I was paid $10,000 for this exclusive interview because my publisher feels it is important that the integrity of award-winning journalist Tim Nasson be upheld.

Tim was wearing black Zegna shorts, a white Prada linen shirt, black Kenneth Cole loafers, and lavender Valentino sunglasses. His wardrobe was provided by Needless Markup of Beverly Hills. My wardrobe was provided by New Navy in Palm Desert.

CRU: Did you know this is the hotel where Robert Downey, Jr. was arrested for doing drugs a few years ago?

TIM: Yeah, I was the one who called 911 on him.

CRU: Oh, so you were the mystery 911 caller?

TIM: Yes, that was me, and you are the first person to hear about it. I was in Robert's hotel room and actually saw the drugs and gun in person and face-to-face.

CRU: Thanks for solving that mystery. Even the National Enquirer didn't know who turned Downey in. I heard through the grapevine that you are writing a book. Do you have a title for it?

TIM: Um, the working title is "My Writing is Fiction."

CRU: What's it about?

TIM: My career, basically. It will focus on all my real face-to-face in-person interviews with Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, Keanu Reeves, Josh Hartnett, Sandra Bullock, Kitty Kelley and others.

CRU: Speaking of Tom Cruise, I recently read your published interview. I am sure our readers are curious as to how you met up with him.

TIM: I met Tom face-to-face and in person at a West Hollywood City Council meeting.

CRU: Oh, really? What was he doing there?

TIM: Evidently, he's a huge cat lover and was there to support the proposed city ordinance banning cat declawing within the city limits.

CRU: Where did you conduct the actual interview with Cruise?

TIM: At his favourite WEHO bar, of course, Rage on Santa Monica Boulevard.

CRU: What happened after the interview?

TIM: We left Rage and went to his Pacific Palisades home where we had a real face-to-face in-person talk about Scientology, something I have always had a great interest in . . . Oh, and do I have an exclusive for you, Crusader. Forget about what Mimi Rogers has said about Tom's tiny tool. That was a complete fabrication by her and I am putting that rumour to rest once and for all. After a real face-to-face in-person meeting with Tom's tool, I am here to tell the world that it was NOT tiny and . . .

CRU: [Interrupting] Um, thanks Tim, but this is a family publication. Even so, I'm very happy you cleared up the longstanding "Tom's Tiny Tool" tale. I am sure that every gay man in America will be ecstatic to read about your revelation.

TIM: No problem, I really do my best to focus on the truth and want to emphasize that I never write about any celebrity that I haven't met face-to-face and in person at some fancy hotel, usually The Ritz-Carlton. I just love The Ritz-Carlton.

CRU: Is it true that you are now working for Dreamworks LLC?

TIM: No, why would you ask that?

CRU: Well, my research indicates several versions of your recently published interview with Cruise are written nearly word-for-word from production notes released by Dreamworks LLC.

TIM: I really take offense to that question. Every interview I conduct is face-to-face and in person. Just ask Kitty Kelley.

CRU: Speaking of Kelley, in a recent interview you conducted with her in Boston, you have a direct quote attributed to her about President Bush's family: "The Bushes have the power to kill and get away with it. In fact, I was told by Sharon [Bush] but could not confirm it, that Neil Bush threatened to kill her if she ever talked to me again." Is that an accurate quote?

TIM: Don't be silly. I completely fabricated that quote so I could sell my Kitty article for $100 a pop to any sucker in the gay media who would purchase it!

CRU: I figured as much, but just wanted to clarify that for any of our naive readers. Is it true you earned at least $10,000 for the Kelley interview?

TIM: Now, why would I lie about something like that?

CRU: I have no clue, why would you?

TIM: Very funny.

CRU: Oh, I forgot to show you the photo of you that we are publishing with this interview. Do you like it?

TIM: That is NOT a photo of me. That's Stephen Glass!

CRU: Oops. Isn't that the guy who wrote those fake articles for The New Republic and other magazines?

TIM: Yes, he's my idol. I guess it's okay to use the photo of Stephen since he's much younger and more handsome than me.

CRU: Let's talk about Matt Damon. You must see a lot of him since you live in Boston and his main residence is there.

TIM: We get together all the time. In fact, I see him so much that Ben [Affleck] is starting to get jealous.

CRU: When did you last meet with Damon?

TIM: He was smoking a cigarette in front of The Ritz-Carlton in Boston, right there on a busy street where thousands of people were driving or walking by. Even though he was being mobbed at the time by fans and reporters, I managed to conduct a short interview with him that I could sell for $100 a pop to gay media
outlets. Gay media outlets just eat up my celebrity interviews.

CRU: I think I read that interview. That's the one where you said you interviewed Damon at length at The Bourne Supremacy opening party inside The Ritz?

TIM: Yeah, that's the one.

CRU: My celebrity friends tell me that celebrities are usually interviewed in hotel suites with their publicist present. How did you manage to interview Damon during a noisy party without his publicist?

TIM: Keanu and Sandra are the only stars I interviewed in hotel suites with their publicists - - at The Ritz-Carlton (of course) in Pasadena, California. Matt and I are such good buds that I was able to bypass the usual Hollywood protocol.

CRU: Maybe you can clear something up for our readers. My staff of veteran researchers discovered that most of your published interview with Damon conducted inside the party was word-for-word identical to press materials sent to media outlets throughout the world.

TIM: You're being a real jerk. I already told you that all my interviews are in person, face-to-face. What about that don't you understand? Why don't you believe me?

CRU: I just find it odd that most, if not all of your celebrity interviews are fake and you simply take production notes and press releases, put your byline on the top, and then sell the so-called "exclusive interviews" for $100 to suckers in the gay media and . . .

TIM: [Interrupting] This interview is over. [Tim storms out of the Le Parker Meridian Hotel.]

EDITOR'S NOTE: After his interview with Tim Nasson was cut short, Crusader found Nasson in the hotel lobby conducting a real face-to-face in-person interview with none other than Stephen Glass. Now, that's a coincidence!

WRITER BIO: Crusader is the activist formerly known as Andrew Exler who was ejected from Disneyland in 1980 after disco dancing with Mickey Mouse. All summons and lawsuits can be served on him face-to-face and in person at: 611 S Palm Cyn Dr, Suite 7512, Palm Springs, California, 92264.


The contents of the above parody are strictly a creation from Crusader's mind. Crusader, who may not be of sound mind, is still solely responsible for the content of this parody.