Do you work in Software Company ???

Once a man went to a Veterinary (Animal) Doctor and said: Doctor I came on vacation so that I can get treated.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic.
Man: No, I am coming to you.

Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist.
Man: I know, but I want you to treat me.

Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me and think like me which means you are a human, not an animal.
Man: I know I am same and I am a human but the problem is
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work like a deer
I work all day like a donkey
I wag my tail in front of my manager like a dog
I play with my children like a monkey
I am like a rabbit in front of my wife

Doctor: Do you work in Software Company
Man: Yes.

Doctor: Come Dear, no body will treat you better than me.

Who is real guru!!! Student or Guru????

One Night 4 MBA Students Were Boozing Till Late Night and Didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the dean said they can have the retest after 3 days. They said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the dean.

The dean said that this was a special condition test. All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of 2 questions with tot al of 100 marks.

Q .1. Your Name .........................( 2 Marks )

Q.2. Which Tyre Burst ................( 98 Marks ).
- Front Left
- Front Right
- Back Left
- Back Right



Letter to the BOSS

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:-

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucritive and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice. The project is working fine.

There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now.

I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart". I am ofcourse retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Ofcourse, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the compnay (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company.

I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City. Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event.

I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command. I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely invest them wisely (but not in your company's stocks of course). Don't worry sir.

I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company. Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS".

Hands still trembling, the Boss read:

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true.
I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this.

My respect and Best Regards to you!

Idea to have a greet weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.
"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on
Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know", admitted the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Fairy Joke

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said:

For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! => The husband became 92 years old.

Tech. Support

1> A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

2> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

What a confidence ???

A hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology:

It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

Who has started ??

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of Stanford, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say....a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."




Women won't listen

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAK-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Continue....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen too!!!

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price

Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

More you know, less you get

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, Time = Money.

It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

You've been programming too long when ...!!

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

Maid on Job


The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting to figure out the reason.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Ultimate Response

 
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had found a new guy while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find! . He then mailed about 25 pictures of women to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."


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