April Fool's Day Messages on the Cleveland Park Listserv
Phew. That's a relief.
An April Fools' Day message from the Cleveland Park Listserv
April Fools' Day messages were written by Bill Adler and Peggy Robin, listserv moderators
Posted in 2008:
Loof Lirpa Photo by Claire Adler
I want to alert all list members to a bulletin I just received: A loof lirpa has escaped from the National Zoo. The animal ran out of its enclosure about 10 minutes ago when the zookeeper on duty was texting while the enclosure was unlocked.
The lirpa was last spotted heading north on Connecticut Avenue, and is probably in the vicinity of Porter Street and Connecticut Avenue about now. It may have stopped to snack on the vegetables at the outdoor carts at Magruder's.
DO NOT TRY AND CAPTURE THE LOOF LIRPA ON YOUR OWN. The lirpa stands about 4 feet tall, has a gazelle-like horns, weighs about 350 pounds, and comes from Patagonia. In other respects the lirpa resembles an alpaca. Normally the lirpa is gentle, but during its mating season (springtime which is now), it can become aggressive. IF YOU HAVE A LARGE DOG, PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOG INSIDE. The naturally nearsighted lirpa may mistake your pet for its mate -- and it was the male that escaped. German shepherds, golden retrievers, and dalmatians are especially at risk, but even smaller dogs like miniature poodles and dachshunds may be a mating target, too, if the lirpa's sex desire is strong enough. Cats should be safe, unless they are abnormally large and overweight.
The loof lirpa is a rare species and only about 12 zoos in the United States have one; half that number have a breeding pair, as the National Zoo does. Males in solo captivity lose their mating desire, but this male lirpa was planning to mate Friday or Saturday night (after dinner); its hormones are therefore likely to be at or near maximum.
If you're driving, please keep a lookout and drive carefully. The lirpa is quite a leaper. When a lirpa escaped from the San Diego Zoo in 2003 it caused a 7-car pile-up. The lirpa makes a clop-clop sound when it runs. Also, it has an aroma that can best be described a smelling like "cheap cologne," so you should be able to tell right away if the lirpa is or has been nearby.
The zoo has temporarily banned cell phone texting --for employees and visitors-- in the wake of this incident.
Please be careful. Treat the loof lirpa with caution -- it's a wild animal, and you can't tell how a wild animal will behave.
If you see the lirpa, please contact officials right away -- contact information here: http://zooalert.notlong.com .
Fun for 2007:
Subject: Pet Hotel Coming to Cleveland Park - major issue
A San Francisco Pet Hotel company, Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels, is going to be moving into the space currently occupied by the Radio Shack on Connecticut Avenue and Newark Street. As far as I can tell, unlike restaurants, there's no zoning against a pet hotel. (But the pet hotel will apparently have a restaurant for pets and this may be an issue -- more about that later.)
Not that a pet hotel is a bad idea. But Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels appears to be both a pet hotel and *bordello*. That's pretty clear from reading their website:
"Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels offers more than just a refuge for your pampered cat or dog for when you're away. We know that you, the pet owner, are discriminating about where you board your precious canine or feline, which is why Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels offers unparalleled fun for your pet in the way of selective and supervised dating.
"Pets start out with their favorite meal (just tell us what it is and we'll have a fresh can or bag on hand.) Then our guests spend the next half hour or so playing together with a fabulous array of toys developed just for Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels. Following that is a little snack and some water (and a walk if needed), after which your pet gets to enjoy a night out.
"While you're away, not only will you have a great time, but your pet will, too. Many of our customers tell us that their dog or cat had such a terrific time that they send their pets back again and again.
"Our pet food is 100 percent made in the USA, inspected and taste-tested by our veterinary team.
"And, of course, we provide all pets with pre-date birth control, so that you don't have any surprises at home months later.
"We welcome gay pets, too, and pair those pets appropriately."
I hope that the pet hotel is sound-proof! Late night noise could really become a problem for people who live near the former Radio Shack. For more information, you can visit the company's website: http://tinyurl.com/yuo4qa
Which brings me back to beginning of this message: Does anyone know if this violates the zoning cap for restaurants? It seems to me that the pet hotel also has a restaurant for animals, and as far as my reading of the zoning regulations goes, there's nothing that exempts a pet restaurant from that cap. A restaurant's a restaurant, right -- even if it's part of a so-called pet hotel? Has anyone had any experience with Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels in San Francisco or elsewhere?
The 2006 Cleveland Park April Fool's Message:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 1, 2006
RENO ROAD TO BECOME TOLL ROAD MAY 1, 2006
Starting May 1, 2006, Reno Road (also named 34th Street at the southern end) will become a toll road, the District of Columbia Department of Transportation announced today.
"We’re turning Reno Road into a toll road for two main reasons," said William Wheat, DDOT’s spokesperson. "First, this will reduce the amount of traffic on this major thoroughfare. If people have to pay to travel on Reno, they’re going to drive less, making Reno less congested and safer. Second, this will also reduce the amount of traffic on Reno Road, enabling cars to move faster."
There will be two toll booths. The northern toll booth is being constructed just north of Military Road, rather than at Western Avenue. The reason for a toll both at Military instead of the most northern entrance to Reno is to prevent cheaters from avoiding the toll road by sneaking in at Military Road.
DDOT expects that the annual revenue from the Reno Toll Road will exceed $10 million. "I want to emphasize that this is not designed as a revenue enhancing measure. We are implementing the toll road for safety and traffic reasons," said Wheat. "Revenue is just a byproduct of the tolls."
The southern toll booth is being constructed at Massachusetts Avenue, at the southern entrance to Reno/34th Street. The south toll booth, which is across the street from the entrance to the Vice President’s house, will be staffed by a uniformed Secret Service agent. Drivers can expect random security checks at the southern toll booth, due to its proximity to the Vice President’s residence.
District of Columbia residents may apply for an annual toll permit for $250, which will permit them to pass through the toll booths without stopping. (The Reno Toll Road will be part of the EZPass system by January, 2007.) The Secret Service has informed DDOT that even with the permit stickers, cars at the southern toll booth may be subject to random inspections.
To apply for a toll permit and for more information about the Reno Toll Road please click here: http://tinyurl.com/yuo4qa Note: The initial permits will be available only to District of Columbia residents.
2005's April Fool's Posting:
CLEVELAND PARK LISTSERV SOLD TO COMCAST
DC News Alert Service
April 1, 2005
The much venerated Cleveland Park Listserv has been sold to Comcast for an
undisclosed amount of money, Brian Roberts, Comcast's CEO, announced today.
"With the acquisition of the Cleveland Park Listserv, Comcast will be able
to fulfill its mission of providing complete information coverage in the
District of Columbia. And yes, the rumors are true: Comcast will soon be
replacing Fox TV with the Cleveland Park Listserv Television Channel. While
this may come as a disappointment for the many fans of Fox News, we believe
that the Cleveland Park Listserv Television Channel will be much more
interesting than old, stale shows like '24' and American Idol." Mr. Roberts
added, "When there's a hot issue in Cleveland Park, well, there's nothing
more interesting than that. It's time to televise these neighborhood
Comcast's acquisition of the Cleveland Park Listserv does not require
Justice Department or ANC Approval.
Former Cleveland Park Listserv owners, Bill Adler and Peggy Robin rejected a
larger offer from Microsoft, saying "Microsoft's plans for world domination
have to stop somewhere. We have our principles."
Adler and Robin, reached by satellite phone on their new yacht off the
Cayman Islands, said "We expect that Comcast will offer the same level of
personalized attention that we have over the years. We're glad that we were
able to find such a well-regarded corporate partner."
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