A dog walks into a bar.

I know what you’re thinking, right? Dog asks the bartender for a drink and he tells him the toilet is around the corner; big laugh, big joke. Ha-hah. If it’s the giggles and the funnies you’re looking for, then look somewhere else, because the only joke in this fable is what’s becoming of the city of Aesop. The fact is when you stick this many animals in one town, somebody is going to get eaten, and all the rules and fancy little laws these goons come up with aren’t going to mean anything when you find yourself in a dark alley with a carnivore. The real lions out there don’t help little girls down magic gold roads, and they sure as hell aren’t dancing and singing with meerkats and warthogs.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, the dog walked into the bar. This wasn’t just any old dog though — this was the “big cheese,” Sheriff Bern. Self-righteous, good for nothing, son of a you-know-what if you ask me, but most of the town liked him alright, I guess. Bern was a real hulk of a dog, which was good for him, because no Chihuahua was going to be telling the tiger who he can and who he can’t eat for dinner, if you catch my drift. Now, Bernie was as pale as a milk bottle, but he was real dark about the eyes, and this went around to the back of his neck. Made him real hard to read, and intimidated more than a few of the animals in Aesop. Not your ever courageous narrator of course, but let’s just say you could tell when Bern was in the room whether you could see him or not.

So no more than five seconds after Sheriff Bernie walks through the door, Reynard jumps up and bolts out the back. Not a smart move in my book, drawing attention like that, but Bern doesn’t exactly make a lot of friends. If he shows up at The Blue Pelican, dollars to doughnuts it isn’t a social call, and to say the least, he and the fox go way back.

Now Foxy was as nimble and quick as they come, but four Old-Fashioneds will knock the spark out of any animal. So as he’s running down the alley, the fool trips over his own pa
ws. As you can imagine, Bernie’s on Reynard like ugly on an ape, and he grabs the drunk up and throws him in the back of the police car.

(Saint Bernard: Paul Price, Flickr)