A dog walks into a bar.
I know what you’re thinking, right? Dog asks the bartender
for a drink and he tells him the toilet is around the corner; big laugh, big
joke. Ha-hah. If it’s the giggles and the funnies you’re looking for, then look
somewhere else, because the only joke in this fable is what’s becoming of the city of Aesop. The fact is when you stick this many animals in one town,
somebody is going to get eaten, and all the rules and fancy little laws these
goons come up with aren’t going to mean anything when you find yourself in a
dark alley with a carnivore. The real lions out there don’t help little girls
down magic gold roads, and they sure as hell aren’t dancing and singing with
meerkats and warthogs.
So no more than five seconds after Sheriff Bernie walks through the door,
Reynard jumps up and bolts out the back. Not a smart move in my book, drawing
attention like that, but Bern doesn’t exactly make a lot of friends. If he
shows up at The Blue Pelican, dollars to doughnuts it isn’t a social call, and
to say the least, he and the fox go way back.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, the dog walked into the bar. This wasn’t just any old
dog though — this was the “big cheese,” Sheriff Bern. Self-righteous, good for
nothing, son of a you-know-what if you ask me, but most of the town liked him
alright, I guess. Bern was a real hulk of a dog, which was good for him,
because no Chihuahua was going to be telling the tiger who he can and who he
can’t eat for dinner, if you catch my drift. Now, Bernie was as pale as a milk
bottle, but he was real dark about the eyes, and this went around to the back
of his neck. Made him real hard to read, and intimidated more than a few of the
animals in Aesop. Not your ever courageous narrator of course, but let’s just
say you could tell when Bern was in the room whether you could see him or not.
Now Foxy was as nimble and quick as they come, but four Old-Fashioneds will
knock the spark out of any animal. So as he’s running down the alley, the fool
trips over his own paws. As you can imagine, Bernie’s on Reynard like ugly on
an ape, and he grabs the drunk up and throws him in the back of the police car.