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A bit of my personal ascension story

Some of my personal experiences:

From a very early age on I was different; this was something I felt deep inside. It was like having a secret even I didn’t quite understand. I was always very uncomfortable and out-of-place somehow. People who suffered abuse and were made to keep it inside will know how this feels...like something that explains everything you feel and how you are but are not allowed to tell and was made to suppress…and it eats away at you, slowly devouring your spirit….until there is nothing but pitch-black darkness left.

My surroundings forced me to hold everything I knew and felt inside because I was supposed to be “normal” and simply do what everyone else was also doing, follow the rules of general society so everyone else could feel comfortable…everyone but me. Not that people necessarily were ill-willed…they just didn’t know any better…and the world never knows any better until there are individuals who step up and educate them, even when knowing the judgment may be severe.

I was like the only Chinese person in a room full of Arabs…totally different language and culture…worse even…an alien…nothing this world ever encountered or heard of before…and vice versa. I was like an innocent child shocked by a corrupted world. As I grew up and learned more and more about humans and their ways, the deep soul-shock got worse and worse. The energies ruling this planet were dark and pushing me down…like a huge weight on my shoulders pressing on me…and a heavy stone on my heart.

You see…I did not understand any of it…not one bit of this human society and their complicated systems and constructs. The 1st time I heard about ‘economy’ and what it was I was flabbergasted. “Why would they think up such a thing? Why do they need this?” I wondered. I was basically horrified by this world and all it contained.

The worst thing was the darkness ruling this planet. The fear and feelings of pain and lack. Wherever I turned, as a child still, there were humans around carrying loads of unpleasant energies around. I am highly sensitive to energies and thus I never wanted to go anywhere, not even go run an errant for my mom at the store around the corner. I wanted nothing but to withdraw, be alone in the quiet, and not be overwhelmed by all these invasive energies. Although I wasn’t really aware this was the issue. The only thing I knew as a child was that things felt very unpleasant and uncomfortable and that I needed to seek refuge. As if I had been dropped off in the wrong world, which was a nuthouse.

Needless to say, in a family of 4 kids, there was no understanding whatsoever for this. I was called lazy and difficult. Through the following years of growing up many labels and judgments were put on me. My father ran his own busy business and my mother was a teacher. With both working parents there wasn’t a whole lot of time and attention or listening going on, like in so many families. My dad had so much on his mind he sometimes saw no way of channelling his stress and turned to physical violence…my dad used to scare the s**t out of me. Sheer and utter terror. From my dads perspective I was hard to handle and needed to be put in line…and since he was raised the hard way…well…that is how he too uttered his frustration, by beatings...how could he have known any differently (I forgave and embraced him long time ago…so this is not an issue anymore).

My mom had health issues and since I was the so called “nail in their coffin” as they exclaimed oftentimes in utter despair over my abnormal-ness, it was decided that I go to a boarding school somewhere in Belgium with the nuns. And I wanted to go there too…my deemed strange behaviour was cause of many unpleasant situations, with the teachers as well as other kids (kids follow what they pick up on from their ‘elders’)…so I thought I could flee all that by going to boarding school..

I was always a dreamer. I imagined and fantasized. I was -and am- a magical thinker. For so called ‘problems’ I always saw simple answers…never understood why people would make it all so complicated…for me anything was and is possible. I also have the ability to view things from anyone’s perspective…that is why I never had this separation going on…this notion that things are either ‘good’ or ‘bad’….things may be bad from one perspective but good from another. Nor did I know any guilt. Guilt was something I only learned after years of hearing how ‘bad’ I was.

Anyway, the nuns with all their rigidity and strictness weren’t very helpful either, they only added to my already heavy burden. Being in rooms full of children/people all the time with no silent peaceful corner anywhere, we even slept in one big hall in our own some sort of a booth, I never had a moment to myself. The religious dogma I was flooded with…well…let’s not even go there. The nuns demanded total obedience and went to all lengths to get it too. Enough of that.

But those were the years I really started to go insane…and sick...as I was taking upon myself the 'sins' of this world...

The years from age 8 to 33 I was therapeuted on, been called and labelled all kinds of things, eventually went in and out of psychiatric hospitals, got prescribed loads of drugs, including sedatives, sleeping pills, anti-depressants and what not. I was deeply and sadly depressed. I loved the sleeping pills…Sleeping was my only refuge from the harshness of this world. Some people turn to food or alcohol…I eventually turned to all of them. The fat I put on was my buffer against this world, so were the drugs (In fact...looking back on it now, the alcohol and prescription drugs kept me sane....that buffer they provided for me was one of the reasons I made it through).

Of course my surroundings had plenty to say about all of it…nothing very helpful though. They did not have any clue what was going on and neither did I. All I knew was that there was something terribly wrong with this world, NOT with me. The whole running around, doing, doing, doing, goal setting, judging, fearing, warring, gossiping, performing, jealousy and competing…all this pain and sickness.

People wanted me to study, to do this and that…and it all felt totally and thoroughly WRONG to me. I had an interest in many things; I could not focus on just one thing. I had no interest in career or jobs or making money or ‘performing’, scoring points and one having to be best or at least better than another…it felt all wrong. How does anyone know what he will enjoy tomorrow? It made no sense.

I could not go against what I felt in my heart…but since the outside pressure was so huge I all but broke under the weight of it.

I could not be in schools with so many people…I could not do much of anything. I read a lot and was a walking encyclopaedia according to one of my sisters (I have 3). I was tested highly intelligent and very talented in many fields and could basically become anything I wanted.

And there you have it…I never had to become anything…I already was.

But let’s backtrack some more…

The older I got and the more people told me I was nuts and good for nothing…the wearier I got. I got to a place where I did not care about anything anymore. For years I had lived in utter despair and terror with nowhere to turn…I was never going to amount to anything as people told me, I was given up on…and I just could not shake this beast…so I gave up on myself as well. All I wanted was for it to be finally OVER. The deep pit I was in was without light and had slippery smooth edges with nothing to grasp onto…..there was no escape…I kept sliding deeper and deeper.

On more than one occasion I came very near to death…not any actual suicide attempts but simply self-destructive…which is basically the same.

One time the family had gathered around my ICU-bed already as the doctors had told them my liver was totally poisoned and I was sure to die…except I didn’t. I was a medical miracle the doctors said. (Many Light workers have extroardinary livers in order to deal with the heavy detoxing they came here to do...All through ascension my liver would hurt...from the heavy lifting she was doing...)

I lay in a coma for a few hours but came through never the less. How deeply disappointed I was. The 1st thing I asked was: “why didn’t you just let me go?”

My mom was like a pit-bull…she was not willing to give up and let me slip away…and there was a higher power agreeing with her…giving her the love and stamina to keep fighting for me and drag me through “life”…made me survive as long as necessary. Pushing and pulling at this dead-weight I was. I myself had no will whatsoever to make it…but in some magical way I always did.  I kept on surviving everything...I was simply not supposed/allowed to die..

After coming out of this coma everything felt surreal…like I had been somewhere else, ‘in-between’ for a while…which I had. Took me quite a while, like 2 weeks or so, to land back on Earth from this place I had been to.

So…one night…sitting on my parents porch having a smoke, winter, end of 2002…having hit rock bottom, not having anywhere left to turn to…I saw a shooting star…and wished upon it.

I asked for the healing of my traumatized and wounded soul.

I was never a religious person -still am not- but ever since my childhood years I had been talking to ‘someone’ invisible. Until age 8 some unseen energy would come in from time to time and made me feel like home, like loving eyes watching over me, a wave of love and warmth…a home I did not associate with anything on this Earth…as it was not from here, this I felt very clearly.

The deeper I got drawn into the dark illusion of this world, the less I could feel them…until not at all…but I remembered it always, somewhere tucked away in the back of my mind.

These things were ridiculed and laughed away…or simply ignored. “Our Ilse has a very vivid imagination” my mom used to say, as an excuse to others for my unacceptable behaviour. And indeed, my inner world of limitless possibilities and magic, where I would fantasize and make up whole stories was my safe sanctuary…I could not go to sleep without making up a story…creative thoughts. Unfortunately I was always brutally yanked out of it by my surroundings…nowhere to hide and lick my wounds or heal.

I could never live the lie of this world....I was simply incapable of it...it went against everything I felt and knew deep within was true...I could not go beyond my own integrity and comply with what I knew was false/a mistake...although I had no clear idea of any alternative yet either....

Anyway…I wished upon a star…and…as if by magic…the wish came true.

The dark load I had been carrying for decades simply vanished…I came out of the dark night. It was miraculous.

I quit all my medicine overnight (there were quite a few!) and never experienced any withdrawal of any kind. I started dieting with a very clear goal and discipline and lost 40 kilos…took me a year. Went walking a lot and got fit. Working a job still was not my idea of life and so I worked my mothers’ garden some, helped out in the family business, thought about studying but as usual could not decide…somehow I knew this was not what I was supposed to do, as I had felt since early childhood. But anyway, I was feeling good and alive for the 1st time ever.

One Sunday afternoon in 2004, alone in the house sitting at the computer all of a sudden it hit me: I had to move away.

As a family we always went skiing each year over Christmas in Austria, the same Tyrolean village for 30 years. The energy there had always felt different to me…lighter. I had always felt better there…almost happy even.

And so suddenly I knew: that is where I have to go!

I sold everything I had except half my books, my favourite ones…saved all the money I could…and burnt everything else of the old life I wanted nothing to do with anymore. It was a rigorous clean-up (I even got an eyelid correction since the weight loss had made them go droopy and I got my teeth fixed with braces, something that had bothered me all my life but was told could not be fixed as it was small matter and not worth fixing).

Nobody believed I would actually or even dared to move to a country a thousand kilometres away…and all by my lonesome without knowing anyone there. But I never doubted, not for one second…I was sure and full of neutral trust. Not worried about anything… I just knew it was the right thing and that it would be okay somehow. (Even though I had no schooling of any kind and no idea about a steady job or anything) So I listened to no one and forged ahead.

I had made a list of all I would like to have for/in my brand-new life but none of it was actually important to me. Starting anew, away and free from all I old energies and bonds I had known before was all I really cared about…the rest would be okay…somehow.

I checked out this Dutch website where people who wanted, or had moved to Austria exchanged information and what do you know…there was a man living in my exact Austrian village. We met up in the fall of 2005 when I travelled to Austria with my folks to apply myself at the ski-school where I had learned to ski decades ago. Skiing was something I knew how to do.

And even though my surroundings told me I was not a good enough skier for something like this and that I would end up in the gutter all alone in Austria…I went ahead regardless…following my inner voice of guidance…and then they understood I was dead serious (My mom did not want me talking about leaving, I was not to speak about it. As in the meantime I had grown into a source of strength to her she did not want to do without).

So…December 3rd 2005 I left Holland. My sister and (now ex-) brother-in-law had offered to drive me and my 10 boxes of stuff to Austria.

I was 35 by then and one of the oldest to enrol in the ski-instructors course and profession – and yes, all you may have heard about ski-instructors is true ;)- but I was welcome at the ski-school never the less….they always need all the help they can get in the busy winter season. The ski-school provided a room for the season at a small fee which was good because I did not have a lot of funds nor does a ski-instructor make a lot of money.

The instructor’s course was a living hell with so many people around and long days of theory and practice…but I made it and passed all the tests.

I remember the day of the exam…Everyone was nervous and jittery standing at the beginning of that testing slope -all those, over 100 16 to 20 year-olds- but I was calm as a whistle. (I was number 109 or something from 111, so I had to wait until last) Something in me told me I had passed that test long before even having skied. Totally neutral, calm and centred. It was meant to be.

Instructing all winter was very strenuous as well but…since it all took place outside in the free air, and not in closed rooms with people packed together…it was not half as bad.

And I got so very fit. Besides that I learned a lot about myself…that I was a very good teacher for one…a good communicator and that people actually liked me even if I was a bit strange. I never tried to be liked or accepted, and was still feeling awkward around humans but somehow people were drawn to me…maybe by my calmness and authenticity.

I also learned I was actually fun to be around…that I had a great sense of humour…and although my colleagues were all way younger than me this was not felt…many told me they did not feel any difference in age…and I must have looked radiant because people figured me much younger. A transformation had taken place.

The more people I met and the more I grew into my new role, the more relaxed I became and my self confidence grew…soared even  -that whole ski-instructors image is very pleasant yet also dangerous to the ego as people almost worship the ground you walk on- 

Although I mostly went straight home after work, at times I would hang around in the bar after work and partied some with the colleagues. This was part of the whole ski-instructors bizzo and it taught me to loosen up among people…and that I was actually very attractive…who knew?

Especially much younger men were drawn to me like bees to honey. What a boost! (I was never very sexually free or promiscuous but since the world of après-ski is like Sodom and Gomorrah, I once landed in bed with one of those young men, much to my own surprise. 15 years younger to be exact. This event did not go unnoticed but I was not in the least bit ashamed…it was a liberating experience to me as I had always had difficulty with closeness and being touched).

When the season was over I found my current apartment through another case of sheer synchronicity. The landlady living next door is my age and we immediately clicked and became close friends…sister-like.

I moved in helped by my Dutch friend who arranged all practical stuff for me and was a great source of much needed info as far as the local laws and rules went.

By more amazing synchronicity he then moved back to Holland, leaving me with much stuff from his big house, almost for free (there were many more amazing wondrous synchronistic events but I will not go into each and every detail).

But…I had no steady job…I worked part-time at a restaurant, a summer job that was arranged for me by that same Dutch friend…not something I had any ambition to continue for long, it was not my thing, but it helped me get to know more of the locals and my boss at the ski-school also had a lot to do with this restaurant and he and I had some kind of a connection, He was considered a grumpy old man by many but I had never any problems with him, there was mutual respect…Everyone here is family to everyone so it’s a small world.

In my days of dieting and losing weight I had become interested in food and its workings. I had taken a course in Orthomolecular Nourishment…and from there my interest went to herbs, homeopathy, alternative healing modalities etc and even some almost spiritual stuff like yoga…although I had always found that stuff way to fluffy and guru-like. I read and read in those days. I had taken some small courses and wanted that to become my source of income.

A small website was also created where I provided information for people wanting to become ski-instructors, practical stuff, and I also guided them through it all in person, this way providing my ski-school with aspiring instructors….for a small fee from both parties. This way I discovered I was good at guiding, diplomacy and bringing people together….and being supportive in getting others to where they wanted to go.

Then one day at the restaurant after only having worked there for 6 weeks or so, I slipped over a slippery wet floor (it was a restaurant at the local public swimming pool...so free swimming for me ever evening after work in an empty pool, i love swimming/water)…and cracked my tailbone. The universe has magical ways of telling you are not in alignment with what you should be doing…and thus serves to point it out to you. Sitting, or rather lying at home incapacitated, provided me with the time and silence to really decide what I wanted to do.

“What I would like to do is job at the tourist office” I contemplated “I speak 4 languages, exactly the ones most prevalent for the tourists here, and I’m good at explaining things and very communicative and outgoing now…and I know a little about computers.”…

I wanted the job to be part-time so I could run my own small starting business(es) on the side. And I wanted it to be in the village, or close because the weather can get bad here in the mountains and I had no desire to drive long stretches in those conditions knowing I would be beat already by spending so much time among people. Next to that a local job allows for meeting local people and making contacts/potential friends…and learning the local dialect.

Never figured I would find such a thing though…especially since people normally need all kinds of qualifications to work in tourism…none of which I possessed.

But…I was still in the same state of neutrality or detachment I was in when I came to Austria….it never really left me this feeling of certainty. And I sure wasn’t homesick nor did I miss anyone.

I never missed anyone, not even as a kid in boarding school…I have always been a naturally detached person…which of course was considered one of my many flaws.

A friend of mine had arranged an interview with a trucking company where I would be selling cargo to truckers…nice people but not my thing…I went home and their letter turning me down was already in the mail that same day, October 2006 it was.

In that same pile of mail though was also a local paper…with advertisements. So I looked through it, seeing if there were any job offers that sounded somewhat like me.

And there it was: an advertisement from the local tourist office…asking for all the exact abilities I possessed and asked for no qualifications whatsoever….

So I immediately re-wrote my letter of application, made some small adjustments and sent it off…”This is my job!” I felt it in my whole being, like butterflies in my stomach or an adrenaline rush….

2 days later I received a call for an interview the very next day…I went…and although there were many more candidates, it was me they wanted the boss-lady expressed right away, even though I could not type, except with 2 fingers.

But she had more interviews planned and could not tell me anything definite. Another 2 days later I called and she said: ”Of course we went with you, did you really ever even doubt that?”…As if it were meant to be all long…which was true, as she had wanted someone Dutch and flexible…with no family. We attracted/manifested each other. Perfectly aligned.

From day one I picked up on a very rejecting vibe towards me from a male colleague…hard to miss in such a small office of 6 with my extra sensitivities…so I knew beforehand something was up…just didn’t know when.

Never the less…I started working there mid November 2006, and worked myself in with great enthusiasm and pleasure…I loved my job. Got to meet and talk to a lot of people and going on tourist conventions all over Europe promoting the area. Also did a lot of translating work for the website etc…it was fun. We also cooked and ate together in the office at noon - normal here- which was another little extra, saving me money and having to cook for myself...and the job came with a seriously reduced all season skiing-pass :)

In the meantime I had spontaneously lost another 10 kilograms and was at my best ever…European size 36 and fit as a fiddle.

As it turned out my bold move was an inspiration to some of my family members, it kind of rubbed off on them, and all of a sudden all 3 of my sisters made life changing decisions. My oldest sister divorced her husband of many years, the marriage had been in turmoil and she hadn’t been happy in a very long time. Also my second oldest sister (I am the youngest) finally dared to leave her husband who is an alcoholic. My 3rd sister is very happily married but she had been taking yoga instructor courses for years and decided to start working part-time and teach yoga the other half of the time, her own yoga school at home, as they simply re-arranged the house for it (since she had a left-brain job and a left-brain family this was a big step for her/ them) Although they will only reluctantly admit to it, my actions had pointed out to my family the true freedom out there for the grasping.

Then summer of 2007. My big sister was visiting me as she was having relationship trouble and needed some time away. It was the week of the annual village fest and so we went there.

The day before we sat on a mountain top and she had the book of “the secret” with her. - I had seen some flashes of it on TV, but had zapped by it…to fluffy for my taste ;) - . This was a good occasion to read it…after which I made some loud statements about wanting to talk to/meet with a man at the local fest the following day, someone I had met but never talked to…which I thought was a good catch…Projecting all my desired feelings out there, answered the right way, matching to me.

As a child -again- I had dreams about my 'dream man'…accompanied by very special deep feelings…but I could never see his face. As time went by and no one ever called forth any of those feelings in me, I figured what I was dreaming did not exist and I would have to make due with whatever was out there.

The next day and night we went to the fest. It was end of July. At about 4 am we walked into a party tent…I arrived a bit later than my sister….and saw her saying something to a very tall young man. As I walked up I saw he was a gorgeous man… completely my ‘type’…tall and dark with bright eyes.

Being in party-mood and with some alcohol under the belt my 1st words to him were:”Oh my God, you are gorgeous!” We spent the rest of the night/morning together and talked…even exchanged phone numbers after less than 5 minutes. Just having fun. The sun came up, must have been about 7 am and we went home…and without there needing to be much talk about it, he came with. (I would never have done this before but my ski-instructors life had made me loosen up some).

That night/morning was unforgettable. I never set out for any of it really and was cold and tired and wanted him to warm my feet and sleep…that was all I wanted.

But one thing led to another…and we melted together…there is no other word for it. It was like everything I had always dreamed about…he called forth the feelings I had long dreamt of and sought after. I could not tell where he ended and I began…

He was the one I had been waiting for. Time and space simply disappeared while we were together. We flowed together like one stream. Indescribable. There was just him and I, the world vanished. We never got around to talking much. We knew there was an age difference (him 21, me 37)…it just wasn’t an issue. Not then anyway. We were both quite surprised. It was like being struck by lightning. So very unexpected and intense.

Then he had to leave as he lived 1,5 hours drive away in Germany and was with friends who he had totally forgotten about ;)

I initially wanted to treat this as a one night stand. I mean, who was I to think such a gorgeous and gentle man would be interested in me anyway. But as it turned out over the following week, neither of us could get over this event, it had impacted us both in a very big way on a very profound level. So right the following weekend he came over. We drank wine and talked…both very nervous at first but dissipated very soon…it was like coming home.

After he left the next day after another, even better night, we were both even more flabbergasted…shocked is a better word maybe.

Now we had to face the issue…we were almost 16 years apart in age. It scared the bejeeves out of him all of a sudden…the judging that would take place from his surroundings was too much to face. And after a month of him beating around the bush, the high words came out. It tore us both to shreds…and I had felt this train coming down the track…way before he shared any of his doubts with me, in fact he denied it all but I could feel him draw back from me, slip away, I already knew…in my gut.

It impacted me on such a deep and devastating level that I all of a sudden found myself right back in the darkness I had been freed of only a few years prior.

I was devastated and cried for 3 days in a row…lying in bed, not eating, deeply sorrowed and depressed. Of course people would judge me and tell me to get over it, forget about it and move on. They had no clue what an intense experience this had been. Such connection, love and perfect harmony between genders has not been seen on this planet for eons, so no one could  relate. People trade in their partners so quickly on this planet. One is gone, onto the next. This way they never have to look inward and face their fear of being alone…and truly getting to know themselves. Months and years later it would still hurt. Thinking about it felt like ripping open an old wound.

I was so mad at this “God-thing” that had 1st given me so much joy and happiness…only to take it all away again…and this was only the beginning.

After 3 days of lying around in bed, crying in utter despair, all of a sudden this wave of determination came over me. Having felt lost in depressing darkness and desperation most of my life suddenly made it clear: I WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY!

I had learned so much about myself and had come so very far that I was adamant this darkness was not going to beat me.

So…I took myself by the hair and dragged myself out of bed and decided I was going to do something for ME, something that made me feel good. Although I never wore dresses I went shopping for one of the local traditional folcloristic outfits anyway. I kicked my own ass big time.

I felt very weak not having eaten for 3 days…but I noticed other strange physical phenomena.

First of all I started feeling a cool breeze all around me, coming from no direction in particular but all around. First I thought it was a draft but soon I discovered this was not the case…at all. The breeze followed me wherever I went 24/7…and still does.

Besides the breeze, my body was acting weird, nothing I had ever known before but uncomfortable. Bouts of dizziness/vertigo, heart palpitations, excruciating headaches (the life long migraines I suffered which had vanished as I came out of the dark night all of a sudden re-surfaced), flu- or allergy-like symptoms and an unrelenting humming sound inside my head/skull. Noises and ringing in my ears like a radio receiver. Muscle aches that felt like I had been run over by a truck and lot more I won’t bore you with.

After having picked myself up I felt like I was running on speed for days (although honestly I have no experience with speed but if I had, I’m sure this is what it must feel like). Like a huge active energy current rushing through me, not allowing me to settle down, rest or sleep. I blew all the light bulbs in the house (they simply exploded into a thousand pieces), lights started to switch themselves on and off, and i felt 'presences' ...

Another thing that helped me regain hope and strength was the little ‘Secret’ book my sister gifted me with. I instinctively wrote down uplifting and motivating wishes and lines and hung them all around the house, on every door and wall I passed…reminding me of my inner strength and ability…and the message of the book that I could have it all…which to me meant I could also manifest my Love back into my life. This gave me the hope I needed. That is where it began.

This story goes way beyond ‘the secret’ though…one could call this ‘the ultimate Secret behind the secret’.

It wasn’t after I read the ‘Secret’ book that I realized I had been creating my journey from the moment I was making my lists back in Holland and thinking and fantasizing about my new life. It so turned out that EVERYTHING I had been contemplating, and thus asked for, had been delivered. I had been doing this all along and never knew it. All I was aware of was a deep inner knowing, an instinct or intuition if you will, that guided me. Never worried, never afraid but calm, trusting and neutral. Where this came from I did not know but I got used to it immediately as if it had always been so. This voice I could trust.

Wanting to find out more and talk to people about my experiences and symptoms I went to the Secret-website and the forum there. I read some but nothing was very useful to me. It felt off. Then my eye caught a topic that mentioned 11:11. Never having heard of it I was curious and so I read it. This topic spoke about people seeing 11:11 everywhere, on clocks etc.

“That never happened to me, I don’t have that 11:11-thing going on” I thought. In that exact same moment my computer scanner began its daily virus scan. The pop-up window said:

“Virus scan started at 11:11”.

I was flabbergasted. This was no coincidence I knew. It was a Divine Sign.(Telling this story makes me realize it’s almost like a ‘Lord of the Rings’ tale).

Then I wanted to know more about this 11:11 phenomenon people spoke so much about. Nobody really seemed to know what it was about except that it was some kind of an activation code. I found this very hard to accept, having been a totally non-spiritual person and very down-to-earth all my life (so deep down almost buried :)).

Never the less, I am a seeker. I had been seeking for answers my whole life, answers I never found, not even in all the endless books I had read. I even read the Bible front to back and vice versa hoping to find some answers there, but nothing resonated.

I tried so hard to remember.

Thus, surfing the internet, I stumbled across a website about Indigo People. People who are highly sensitive, like I was. Recognition! There were so many young and older folks out there that experienced the same or similar symptoms I was having, and that also had difficult lives here on this planet. But it still wasn’t a complete match.

The symptoms I had were signs and by-products of ‘Spiritual Awakening’ (also named Kundalini awakening in ancient scripture) so they said. And although I understood this was true, as it fit, I also felt there was more…much more.

By that time I was going through weeks of relentless vertigo, I had to try and do my job all the while feeling as if I was drunk and standing on a ship in a severe storm.

In the meantime, that colleague I mentioned earlier, of whom I knew he would try and make my job as hard as possible, had been bad-mouthing me behind my back to anyone he could find basically, from my boss to my co-workers to even my landlord. It was all too clear I made him feel very uncomfortable and he was going to all lengths to get rid of me. He did it the sneaky way, and when I asked him face to face in private whether he had an issue with me, he of course denied, not brave enough to simply work it out amongst ourselves. What could he have said anyway ‘I don’t like you and I want you gone?’

-I had been working there for a year already without any complaints. All were happy with my work as I checked this on a number of occasions, knowing I was wired very differently, still having no clue really what the work-floor demanded…and they all took it so very seriously, making a mistake was like a mortal sin!...Other than that I was the only foreigner amongst Austrian colleagues and although they will never admit to it, Austrians aren’t generally that smitten by foreigners. It has to do with having lived secluded, in hard to reach alpine-areas for so long. -

At that time we just had a new marketing director and since he did not know much about the situation. He never saw any of my work or spent any time around me checking it out but told me ‘people’ were not very pleased with my work, and he decided to put me on probation. Since during that probation time he had no opportunity to check anything due to lack of time, he put me on another probation. At that time I found it all so very unjust and unfair (Now I see that gossiping co-worker did me a great service by making me go when it was time for me to do so...very often when it's time to leave an old situation you are done with, darkness and disrespect will serve to push you out).

By this time my symptoms had gotten even more intense…and I had dreams that told me things. I woke up on several occasions feeling totally exhilarated with a loud and pressing voice in my head telling me to quit my job, quit my job. YOU MUST QUIT YOUR JOB!

Of course I wasn’t planning on doing such a thing. I had always loved my job and I was good at it too, even if things were getting really unpleasant and tense there now. And I mean, really…that voice made no sense, I was depending on that job for my survival.

The pressure at work got turned up…and I understood there was no escaping this. My dreams were also very compelling. I saw myself taking a huge leap of faith. And so…I did. One afternoon in a personal meeting with the marketing manager, much to my own unexpected surprise…I quit my job. I knew I would otherwise have been fired anyway. And it felt good that it was over.

That ‘nasty’ co-worker had actually rendered me a service. There is always light within the dark. There is a dark side and light side to love and we all carry both of them inside us.

It simply was the right thing to do; the voice would not be silenced. It was simply time (11:11 o’clock) and my Ascension Programming had kicked in.

It was end of November 2007; only 3 months after my Love had left me. My life had drastically changed in only a second, or so it seemed.

Now I had my head and hands free to fully dive into this phenomenon that was happening to me, which of course had been the objective all along. I was forcibly freed up :). I didn’t know how long this process of awakening would take or what it really meant or would entail, and I had calculated my savings would provide for me for about 10 months…I figured this should be enough. Little did I know.

What I had already realized was that it had been a set-up. A perfectly Divine scheme. My Love had caused my programming to kick in. Providing me with the kick-start that shocked me into the process of ascension. All this had been planned before I came into this world. (And I am not the only one that has experienced this in this same exact way, there are many others)

I read and researched…and the Voice inside helped me remember who I was, guiding me and providing me with insights and remembering. Needless to say my surroundings thought I had gone off the deep end again and totally ridiculed me…discarded me…again.

I noticed there was a lot of information out there, most of it total bullocks. The spiritual humbug floating around out there is ridiculous and mostly utilized to make money off seeking people looking for genuine support…instead they get duped mostly by all those self-proclaimed guru’s.

This ‘thing’ that was going on with me was/is called Ascension. Not the kind of ascension as described in the Bible but something much more REAL.

I totally withdrew into my home, my safe sanctuary. I became a recluse as my nerves were so fried due to this process I was unable to be around anyone. My symptoms were so severe I was incapacitated most of the time anyway. But I never worried about being sick…I knew this was something far different and although I felt sick, I actually wasn’t. I unplugged the phone and made sure my boundaries were protected and I had my silence. Some days I was so exhausted I couldn’t even make it to the shower.

I kept outside stimulants to a minimum as I learned to honour and appreciate the silence and the precious gem it nurtures inside. I was always like this actually, needing much alone-time and the stillness.

I did however simply tell my family and friends what was going on with me, from the very beginning...I could not get myself to care about their sentiments towards it....Most of them did not believe me and ridiculed it all....but I was done hiding and being ashamed...This ascension thing was my turf...this I knew...and the new life that comes after ascension...well...thát was my world...If people around me couldn't take it...too bad...then I was moving on...

This Ascension process has very clear patterns to it. There is no way of explaining Ascension in a short manner as it entails so much but I will do my best.

Lower vibrations cannot exist in the same space as higher vibrations, and so they get triggered for release and transmutation only by being around the higher vibes. Clashing vibes cause for movement to occur...for energy to become unstuck...and released...

This works the same way as the ascension waves: a higher vibrating wave comes in and pushes out all the darkness it encounters. All blocks to Love automatically get pushed out of the way…works like a shovel ;) (Which is why my Love, and the vibration of total harmonic loving energy we shared, caused my ‘virus scan’ to begin, and push out all the contrast/darkness to this harmonious vibe of unity I was carrying.

At the start of this ascension I saw myself...letting myself fall backwards...arms wide...eyes closed...not knowing where or if I would land...a leap of faith...Then I saw hands waiting to catch me...

I had to surrender to not knowing…and trust in things unseen.

This is what the Ascension process of the Light Warrior is all about. We went first. We willingly walk(ed) through the forge, void or desert for a very long time, where we were stripped from everything material: money and loss of livelihood, loss of all you can think of, including health and relationships. The most important issues of the old world: finances, health and relationships.

So there was nothing left to trust in and surrender to but Divine Providence…and thus we brought/bring back the Divine way of things on Earth. Willingly and lovingly. But I will come back to that later. Remember the story about Abraham supposedly asked to sacrifice his son, his pride and joy?…this was the voice of God/Love saying; ’Trust me, surrender to me and it will be okay, I will provide all you need…so let go’.

We can all surrender to and be embraced by the God inside. We are totally safe and cared for in Gods arms…always…without having to take any control or any doing…Humanity has gotten so caught up in doing, doing, doing all the time, afraid that if they settle down their world will fall apart…it doesn’t!

Decades ago the first Light Warriors started incarnating here on this beautiful planet Earth (who also has a consciousness btw, as do all planets. She experiences what humanity does and walks the path alongside us. How could she not?). We came here from other realms throughout the universes and were born into the human flesh with a task, a mission: to clear the Earth and humanity of all discordant energies. We were to transition from the old energy into the new energy as the very first, laying the track/trail for humanity to follow behind on. How did/do the Light Warriors lift that veil? Through our bodies.

We came here with the mission to clear Earth of all darkness. How you ask? By being born here with amnesia, without any real memory of the world we originated from. This way we believed in the illusion as much as any other human being did, the illusion of no hope, and fully submerged ourselves into it.  By believing in the illusion we could experience it for real. Light Warriors were mostly born into situations of darkness (abuse etc). We had to thoroughly get to know the darkness in order to understand and later transmute it.

But journeying through ascension I discovered pretty quickly that I was even very different from other ascendees....My process unfolded much quicker...and clearer, to name a few.

I always sensed I was out of place…and certain aspects of my mission I vaguely remembered, like my True Love, whom I dreamed about. I know these were also tools set in place so I would have something to hold onto, even if it was just vague and tiny. I deeply felt I did not belong here…I didn’t belong with or fit in anywhere on this planet.

Many things I sensed and tried to remember throughout my time on this Earth, but couldn’t…it simply wasn’t time yet.

My Love and I represent the male-female balance. He left so I would be shocked into my mission, which was the ascension of Earth and humanity. Love disguised in darkness. Our separation represented the deep wound of separation in the collective human heart, the tearing apart of the male and female. My Love and I are also perfect polar opposites, he is everything I am not and vice versa…but we do also have some overlaps…that is where we connect, flow together and are the same.-We stayed in contact very sporadically because we are inseparable at the core-. We are the merging of polarity, this we represent….My Love was the prince that kissed me awake…

The 11:11 code actually represents and carries the vibration of the male and female energies; (11 is the one half, consisting of 1 male and 1 female energy current...the other 11 is the other half...thus 11:11 as the symbol-activation-code...The 2 dots in the middle are the portal of transformation and harmonized energy between the 2 halves...through this portal runs the balanced flow). So the 11:11 code triggers the process of re-union, re-harmonising.

Being highly sensitive to all energies made me a perfect divination rod, and sponge. All the time while I was feeling more and more miserable on this Earth and getting sicker and sicker, I was in fact taking upon myself the darkness of this world, sucking and storing it into my cells like a vacuum cleaner. I cleansed the Earths energy lines/leylines where she stores and runs her energy, it is like her blood flow

The energies (human experiences) of eons are stored in Earths’ grids. And in the ‘nuthouses’ I was submitted to, I encountered and absorbed all kinds of mental illnesses/distorted energies.

Same goes for my time with the nuns where I picked up the religious dogma and spiritual mis-conceptions. All the time I was learning about the sickness of man and its processes. I sucked up all the codes/themes of darkness. Of course, being born with amnesia, I wasn’t aware of this. Without the amnesia the whole scheme would not have worked even.

So, as I took in/sucked up/absorbed more and more darkness, until every cell of my body was saturated with it, I was then temporarily brought out of darkness and directed to my place here in Austria where I had a short time of reprieve and a chance to find out about my talents/gifts and what my joys were. It served to build my Self-confidence, which was something I would dearly need for what came next…and it placed me in the perfect setting to go through the process.

Besides that, when living in the mountains/on elevation one literally lives above the majority of human consciousness, above the 'place' where the cloud of general human consiousness resides (which is one of the reasons I always felt relatively okay while being in the mountains, as the only place. Mountains (and other alpine treasures) have more magical qualities that influenced me though, but I won't go into any of that here)....And...The Netherlands, the name says it, is a country that's situated almost the lowest in the world, way below sea-level. My moving to the mountains did not only precipitate my moving into ascension/higher level consciousness, but it also physically mimicked ascension/ascending. This was very important in my case.

Spirit knew this all long as she was directing me here, but the human me had no clue whatsoever. I do remember one day standing on the balcony at work here having a smoke, thinking to myself: ”So is this IT then? Is this life? is this all there is? will this be my life from now on? Working eating and sleeping mostly?” I guess without knowing it I was giving the clarion call.

My sensitivity is not restricted to humans and Earth. I was ‘programmed’ and ‘wired’ in a very particular way. My antennas also pick up cosmic energies. This simply means that cosmic energy waves or clouds, filled with certain intentions sent here from other realms I pick up on...and of course I am highly sensitive to other cosmic energies as well (like solar flares, moonphases etc)...as well as Earth energies. Any geomagnetic changes I pick up on etc.

These waves bring in the ascension energies by collective agreement; they are sent here from the 'great central sun', which simply means our own core, and collective field of unity. Blasts full of intentions are sent over, all carrying  different themes, but all loaded with Love...they arrive at our call.

I would pick up a wave that carried the theme of acceptance for instance, which then automatically triggered the release inside me of the polar opposite to that energy, namely rejection. (quite dark, intense and horrible feelings!)

The ascension process goes as follows: a wave carrying a certain theme comes flowing in, these waves always feel very expansive, great and loving. But since my cells were saturated with all that was not love, these waves pushed out the contrasting energy within me. Thus the dark energies within me would rise to the surface causing me to feel the fear, pain and anger, which I then had to work and sort my way through. Humanities’ collective trauma of eons. After this wave was thus integrated, my cells would clean up also, causing all kinds of symptoms. Cells construct your body, from bones and joints to muscles. Lots of flu-like symptoms and other pains and discomfort. Diarrhea, rashes, exhaustion…many detox symptoms. Too many to mention.

Spirit is always first to integrate a new energy flowing in, the physical is always last as it is much denser. It trickles ‘down’ so to speak, and one slowly merges and gets satured with Love.

Like everything else in the universe, ascension has a pulse. It is like giving birth in expansion and contraction. Like breathing and heartbeat. (In fact, breathing changes with ascension). One gets thoroughly squeezed empty and stretched as far as (in)humanly possible.

It is a clean up of the emotional as well as the physical body….and material ‘possessions’, because the material you surround yourself with, also carries the vibrational imprint you gave to it as you sent forth the desire to manifest it. As your vibe changes, so does the material surrounding you.

The more darkness is cleaned out of your system, the more room you have for light/love…you start vibrating higher, feeling lighter….ascending.  It is also a mental clean up, as you let go of all old belief systems (or BS :))…it calls for huge mental discipline. The beast of the Ego-pain-body must be tamed; this is no easy task as it screams in terror for its demise.

Survival issues are duly triggered – which are lower vibrating constructs/energies, the way animal consciousness carries for instance. All living things exist within their own suitable consciousness matrixes that call them into existing and evolving as is their intended purpose; Plant-, Mineral-, and animal- ‘kingdoms’…and all are ascending alongside Earth as they are all part of her (as are we)…you may notice this in your pets-.

I myself have always felt very drawn to trees, probably since they represent the ‘bridge between Heaven and Earth’ with their roots strongly anchored within the Earth, yet their crown residing in Heaven-. Trees, water and mountains, that’s my thing…and snow, I love snow :D

This purification process, as it clears away all the heaviness and density from our cells, also clears the way to freely connect & merge with our God-Self. Without all the illusionary belief systems standing between us and our Divine Spark, blocking us from what’s true, the road becomes clear to truly hear the Voice of Spirit…and co-create with spirit.

The Light Warriors served to straighten out the human DNA by using their bodies to push out all impurities within themselves (Since we also exist in the ethereal, so does the DNA…As such, when a purified human with purified DNA crosses the path of an individual with distorted DNA, and their energy fields thus overlap, a process of exchange or communication occurs between the ethereal DNA of both individuals, invisible to the eye, where the distortions in the one individual start to transmute to adjust to the vibration of the purified human…We are all connected through invisible fibres. In fact, there doesn’t even have to be a meeting in the physical. Consciousness is interconnected; the story of the 100th monkey proves this. This is also why we can feel cleansed and calmed after a shower or bath, the ethereal component of the water cleanses our light-body as well as the physical water washes our physical body).

The deeper I got into the process, the deeper the journey inward took me, the more flooded I became with all kinds of insights and information. This information is part of my mission here on this Earth. It is all about spreading The Word.

–Words carry a vibration and are creative in essence; this is what Mantra-ing was all about, a mimicking of sorts, although there really is no need for this. The Ohm-sound was used for meditative purposes. The humming sound I have been hearing in my head, resonating in my skull, since the beginning of the process, has served to shake loose the goo from my cells. Usually it becomes annoyingly loud as a new vortex of energy is coming in, like the sound of a giant propeller.

So, words are a medium, carrying a vibration/intention, which is why some words can make you feel good and some unpleasant (depending on whatever meaning certain words also carry for you, what meaning you give to it, in a negative or positive sense), like when someone is directing their anger at you for instance, that can make you break into a sweat, the same way you can break into a sweat when beating yourself up over something. –in fact, ascension mimics menopause in a way, one sweats a lot as the body is burning/torching off old energies. Much is also being disposed of through the regular digestive channels-. Reading this long text may cause a myriad of responses within you. People who carry a lot of contrast to my message may get angry, rejective or judge or ridicule or may simply feel uncomfortable. A person with an open ready heart will respond differently and may feel “AHA, I knew this! I love this message!”-

Words and messages may take a while to sink in but the way of it is always the same. Darkness cannot occupy the same space as light, therefore a person carrying a lot of light, vibrating highly, automatically transmutes all the dark she encounters. This means a higher vibrating individual will trigger responses in others who carry a lot of darkness. Jesus knew this all too well. Light Warriors are often the centre of mockery or worse, which is good, as it helps others to release, it triggers them, thus serving its purpose, whether the other party is aware of this or not. Anger is release.

Evolved humans of a higher vibration live on a different ‘timeline’, a ‘future’ timeline one could say…and as they share their ‘future’ vibration in the Word, everyone taking in those words, automatically, over time, integrates the message, or rather the intention/vibration behind the message…growing into that timeline themselves. Depending on how much contrast to the message one carries this process can take weeks, months or even years. The Word reaches far deeper than would be expected.

New and more limitless concepts/vibrations are not easily embraced as Einstein already knew and experienced in person. Now he is revered but in his time he suffered much rejection, like all great thinkers did…seems one has to be ‘dead’ to be acknowledged on this Earth. Never the less, the great thinkers have always transformed this world and its consciousness, no matter how long it took to trickle down.

There are many aspects to this Ascension process…and it sure ain’t no walk in the park…it is very painful and taxing, physically as well as emotionally. But at least now I know what was going on with me and why I was always so different.

I originate from a realm of unity and love, a realm of consciousness without form. -This is why residing inside a body was always very challenging to me as it felt limited and imprisoned. I used to always sit with my legs pulled up in my chair, like Buddha, because it was too painful to place my feet upon the Earth and ground here in the physical, part of me did not want to set foot fully upon this Earth-. I descended into this world of form from a much higher vibrating realm of harmony and love as a Gift to this world, to bring the vibration of my home-world onto the Earth. I speak from a place humans have yet to get to.

Only the strongest and bravest of us were selected throughout all the universes as this is not an easy mission. Many of us from all corners of creation have been working on this Earth for decades, behind the scenes, suffering in silence for the betterment of all.

The grids the Light Warriors cleaned are being re-arranged. The whole template of Earth and humanity is being changed and brought back into pristine condition. So…she shakes, cries and howls…as do the Light Warriors alongside her.

Cleansing of the body and mind is accompanied by endless tears. It feels like dying while still in the flesh, which is actually accurate since all the old in you dies away as the new in you gets birthed and emerges, like a phoenix from the ashes.

I was stripped to the core…emotionally, physically and materially

We, Light Warriors in ascension were put (or better said: put ourselves) in circumstances that would trigger all our deepest fears. We were prohibited from working/having jobs so we were forced (forced ourselves) to face the fear of lack…and rise above it. So we could later report to others about the process and how you do not fall apart when all else falls away…to the contrary…you become the pure gold nugget of who you truly are, whole again! Our Higher Selves staged and monitored the whole process.

The Ego-pain-body would scream and rage, afraid of perishing, acting out all its survival issues…And we had to rise above it time and again, ignoring what the situation seemed to be, focussing on what we knew was true, yet invisible to the eye…that Manna from heaven would support us at all times…and it did/does. All our needs are always met if only we allow. Gods Love is the only Truth.

Whatever the circumstances may appear to be, we can be at peace with all of it regardless. There is no need for fear, guilt, pain, anger or shame. Peace is a choice. All one must do is ride the beast that lives inside all of us. and tame it, break it in, like a horse…slay the dragon!

What we knew very deep down was that we were loved and cared for…and that we were rendering this and all other worlds a deeply loving service. We sacrificed our lives and surrendered our bodies in Service to the ONE. We took this burden upon ourselves as a loving service to the Whole.

There were times I was flooded by endless bills…I never had any clue beforehand how to pay for rent or food or anything else….and I had to know, inspite of my empty bank account, that they would be paid, whilst doing no-thing, taking no action whatsoever but be still. Food came first, the rest later. I learned to put myself first at all times.

And I learned the material held no power over me…nor did others. After a while angry bill collectors did not impress me one bit as I knew they were only a test, an illusion, trying to intimidate, scare, trigger and push me off centre. I stayed neutral and the bills would always get paid. I took my divine power back, reclaimed myself.

When people direct energies of anger or worse at us, we can choose not to re-act/respond. This way we keep our power to ourselves instead of giving it away to the other person or any outside energy trying to come in for that matter. We decide what deserves to come in or not, what deserves to share our space. We need not accept all parcels delivered to our doorstep...And we decide what is our reality and what is illusion.

Things are always in perfect divine order. Certain dark experiences needed to be made in order for individuals to evolve the way they set out to do, to become who they need/set out to be and take on the role they intended to play.  You would not have become who you are today if it weren’t for the experiences you had. It all served a purpose…and see how grand and beautiful you are to the world. Are you as grand and beautiful to yourself as well?

As we merge the polarising fields within ourselves, the left and right hemispheres of the brain, so do we merge them in the outside world, it is inevitable…from micro to macro.

If only humans were to see the great divine organism from a whole different perspective…they would then know that the whole world and all of creation dances a waltz of perfect synchronicity…where the right thing is always delivered at the right time and the right location…people call it coincidence…but there is no such thing. It is perfect divine timing. All potentials/ solutions are already set in place way before the desire or problem arrives. All one must do is let go…just be and allow.

Throughout the whole releasing/transitioning process I focussed on what felt good. I had a vision and fantasized about my dream life with my Love, whom I knew I would be re-united with when the process of healing my own heart was over. He was part of my light at the end of the tunnel. Both hearts would be made into one again once I was purified, never to be separated ever again, sending this vibration of love and harmony out into the world, sharing the energy so others get ‘contaminated’ by it, catch the vibe, and follow the path of unity.

Throughout the whole process we were (are, as some have only just recently started their process) taken care of. We are God…and God cares for its children. But there is no denying we Warriors of the Light sacrificed a lot for the whole. I sacrificed my whole life thus far on this planet, body and soul, at my own expense….It needed to be this way. It was a deeply loving service. We unlocked the gates of heaven for the benefit of all.

After 10 months my savings were gone but still magically support would come in, always just enough to get by…to this day, which is now 3 years and 4 months later.

My landlady proved to be an absolute Godsend, flattened as I was through all these experiences, she lovingly took care of all I could not take care of myself. She did my laundry and went out to buy me groceries. When I have to go somewhere she takes me. No coincidence I landed with her. She does not understand all I share with her, and the thought of God or things invisible to the eye scare the bejeeves out of her, but she supports me wherever she can. We both agree it was meant to be, Divinely orchestrated.

We are all so very loved…loved beyond anything conceivable from a human perspective…

The more fears were triggered, the more the voice of the heart overruled the voice of terror, the calmer and more peaceful I became. Centred. So many rough and challenging situations I faced and still I am here…The more my needs were met in each moment, in the nick of time, the more I learned to trust that, and I arrived in the NOW. No longer longing for another, better day, but accepting that what I needed in that moment, perfect for my development, was already there.

I learned detachment. To detach from whatever the situation looked like, trusting my own inner voice/higher instinct telling me things were okay, that I was cared for no matter what the situation appeared to present. God works behind the scenes and always has our best and highest interest at heart. -I was kept in an endless holding space, an imprisonment without any movement in any direction…so I would thoroughly concentrate on this task without any distractions…totally depleted and ‘alone’. Forced to face my own worst fears and transmute them, whilst also sorting through the human collective trauma that I carried in my bloodline and cells. For many years this was all I was allowed to do: rise above all human strife & discord of eons!-

Catching cosmic energies goes via the solar plexus, where the umbilical cord used to attach us to our mothers. The ethereal umbilical cord to the Divine however is never severed. To buffer the energies coming in, amongst other reasons, I gained weight again, especially on the abdominal area, looking like a fat Buddha.

Our bodies are intelligent perfect organisms that, in co-operation with us, know how to perfectly balance themselves, keep in a state of homeostasis, at all times. My body knew I would need this fat buffer again to keep me from electro-magnetic overload, and so 15-25 kilos were taken on…and not by eating I might add, although my family of course thought otherwise. At first this frustrated me, having gone through all that trouble previously to get all the weight off and enjoying my thin self... Also this weight served to keep me grounded on Earth, to keep me here....just like my Twin...he was also my anchor, the reason to stay and see it through...and I simply learned to love myself, fat and all.

But that was just another thing I had to let go of. I detached from all things material, as it all fell away anyway. I detached from my appearance, I detached from others people’s opinions about me etc….until only the Truth remained. The True Multi-dimensional Me.

Because of the cleansing work we did, the old energies of fear and lack are now globally being triggered to the surface…they have to as there is no more room for them, their space is getting smaller and smaller through the work we did…tons of ancient debris on which whole societies were built are being cleared away. Dualities dark foundations are yanked from underneath it and will have no choice but to rebuild in unity…the way of purity.

And we, retired Light Warriors and Masters are here to offer comfort and support….as we know what is really going on with Earth…and that there is nothing to fear…and that one does not need to tread on others for survival.

As one learns to trust in the inner voice, in Self, ones’ confidence soars…and then there is never anyone that can take anything from you or do anything to you…ever again.

The transition from the old energy into the new energy was/is a very long and arduous journey…but well worth it in the end/beginning – as everything is circular, not linear, an ending always carries a new beginning within it-

Anyway…this was the story…in general. This was my personal 40-year journey through the desert…my quest…a Gift to humanity. 

I came here from and for Love...to take away the pain of this world...and set her free...I took upon myself the 'sins'/darkness/diseases of men...and was rejected by men... (I forgave them, for they know not what they do...)

I was whipped, tortured, crucified and resurrected myself time and again, to an ever higher place...my own personal Via Dolorosa, my own Christed Passion...That role is now over...and a new one commences.

My chances of survival here on this planet were very slim from the beginning...I came in at my own expense...But I made it! I had no real concept of what awaited me here, of what I was getting myself into....except that it would be very dark..and very very tough (But as Spirit one very excitedly jumps into pretty much anything, with childlike enthousiam...for sheer love and joy)...I came in at huge odds...I had no real clue how heavy the darkness of this world would weigh down on me....only in theory...but it was my commitment to work my way through all the horrors and come up from beneath all of the dark & filthy rubble...From the lowest to the highest levels...I was programmed never to give up (even though I came very close on several occasions)...and keep on going, biting down hard...this was my pledge...And I prevailed...against all odds and at ginormous stakes...These accomplishments are beyond any human comprehension...And it was only Love that kept me going...I rose like a phoenix from its ashes...

Everything I experienced on this planet, from the very beginning, served me in getting to thoroughly know darkness (I did not know this back home, which is a realm of light, unity and love)...As one cannot change or transmute what one has no concept of...I was locked up for many years in several nuthouses...the pain there was unbearable...all traumatized & miserable humans...I took their 'sins' upon myself...next to the Earth energy lines which had darkness of eons stored it them...I travelled upon them and vacuumed them clean...Kind of like the big black guy in that Stephen King movie 'The green mile', sucking up all the ancient dis-eases of this world...I had to, for decades, suck up all the (codes of) darkness this world was intoxicated with...All I could carry, from religious dogmatic programming to societal and beyond...in order transmute/rise above it all later on...

Every encounter and experience I had, engaging in this dark world, every beating I took, was set up, so I could gain a deep understanding...and take it all in for later transmution...I was like a scout, gathering data...(The partner I lived with for 5 years taught me all codes of human relationship disfunctionality...the distorted gap between males and females. The nuns and priests taught me about what Gods Love is NOT. The nuthouses taught me all about the human sickness. The work- and studyplace made me part of human interactions that were totally shocking to me, how horrible people treated each other. Teachers', family's, employers', collegues' and caretakers' interactions with me were beyond humiliating and mortifying (They often had me enraged...as the Light Warrior in me revolted against such enormous injustice...eventually I was only exhausted from it all...deeply disappointed in humans...scared to death of them as well as I never knew what to expect...they could turn on you in a whim, like a leaf in the wind..they were not to be trusted)....So I had to engage in as many scenes of darkness as possible (I will not bore you with all of them, they are too many too mention...it suffices to say that I descended into the deepest abyss...into the depths of the darkest crypts of human degeneration and decay...It beats any horror movie)....In the end I pretty much broke under the weight of it all...and afterwards I was so mad for a while that I never got to be young...all that 'lost time'...It was some crazy life I had...I was simply programmed never to give up....no matter how close I may have come sometimes...I always made it through in the nick of time...it is how I am wired...

Even later on, when I talked openly about how my ascension was going a lot faster, at an shockingly more accellerated rate than what's usual, which was almost too much to cope with...looking for support from others who were experiencing the same, I was practically lynched...it was simply not done to be open about your experiences and who you are, peoples' egos got all fired up...In fact...I even got banned from a forum because of my blatent honesty LOL...I openly talked about feeling suicidal, as the only one there...and immediately the 'spiritually correct' judged me for it...And boy...did their ignorance make me mad (mostly disappointed though...as I came looking for support, showing myself in all vulnerability...yet I got rejected, as I had been my whole life...talk about rubbing salt in open old wounds)...even if I also saw the purpose in it...I still get lynched from time to time LOL...it all serves a purpose...The darkness I trigger out of hiding in others is gone forever...I force the poison out of them...all that festers inside of them gets released...This role is now pretty much over for me though (thank God!).

There was no place for me anywhere...not among '3D's' and not among ascendees either...My path was unique, there wasn't anyone who was experiencing the accelerated ascension I was, I had to get everywhere first and set up shop before everyone else arrived...to continue on where everyone else stopped......so I had to get by on my own...which is what I knew best anyway...These events taught me not to give a damn about what others' opinions were...the huge darkness directed at me simply made me grow faster...
I also had to wait a lot for the ones coming up behind me to catch up.

It was quite the journey....I barely coped at times.....but now somehow it doesn't seem that huge anymore.....it has all mellowed away....I remember it...but it does not bring about any emotions really....all healed....

There were always many loving hands, appearing out of nowhere, ready to carry, guide, catch and encourage me along my path. When I wanted to give up the writing someone would appear to tell me how much my writings helped her/him....When I was out of money someone would donate or give me some...When I needed a hand, it was there...I was never ever dropped...Love was all around me...

"Ye I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for thou art with me..."

Now...nothing and noone can cause even the tiniest of ripples in my ocean of peace and calm...I am pure Love...it is all I see and feel...even for the ones that direct darkness at me...I feel only warm fuzzies for them :D...

And there are many more out there like me, with a similar task, who have already awakened or are in the process of awakening. – A song that came to me in the very beginning of the process was ‘Awake, you are loved’ by Josh Groban…God was speaking to me…This song I held close throughout the whole ordeal…it moved me to tears on more than one occasion –

When Spirit informed me I was to play the role of Teacher to the World, I declined. I was so very reluctant to take this upon myself, having endured so much already. “Take this cup away” I said. I had no desire whatsoever to become the centre of attention and all that comes with it. I was never one to worm my way to the front of the line…but more the one that stood away from the line and took whatever was left over once the mob had left. But when it’s your role to play, it simply is your role to play, and the calling of ones' heart cannot be ignored. I was asked to do all this because I am the one capable of doing it. Simple.

Ever since early childhood, 7 or 8, when sitting in church, I saw myself get up, walk to the altar and tell people the preacher had it all wrong. I saw myself ‘preach’ and speak Truth. So in stead of refusing, I embraced it and decided to make it as joyful and loving a task as possible and pour all my passion into it. To spread joy and be an inspiration…simply because I carry this within…it is my higher calling…

At the end of my process I had the strangest experience...I felt as if I was falling back through many ceilings/layers/levels...like falling through time and space/dimensions...as if I was being rewinded....like the rewinding of a movie...or being rolled back up like a carpet...sucking everything back in....all energies I ever extended into anywhere & anything I took back (like in the movie 'Inception')...And I ended up at the beginning....the cool stillpoint before coming to this Earth.....on the verge of jumping in,  only in theory aware of the enormity of the task, having no real concept of it.....I saw how my chances of survival were very small from the get go...and I felt a wave of grate-ful-ness for my now.....knowing that I had now made it through everything...I made the 'impossible' happen...I greatly gifted myself to and for all realms....

the tunnel was very long and even more dark...then there was light....


And although this world may not be aware of the huge accomplishment, the invisible world sure is...... It looked like a scene from that movie '2012'...when John Cusack emerges from the water after having saved the day (arc) and everyone is standing there applauding, laughing, tearful and hugging....in relief and gratitude....huge elation....That's how our family in Spirit feels towards our accomplishments...they would hug us to pieces if they got a chance...Yet they must settle for cheering us on from the sidelines...for now anyway...

The coming years the fears and pains of/in the collective will accumulate...the pressure and heat will be turned up...until they get the message and decide to finally surrender to & abide by the higher laws and heed the inner call for peace and higher love...

Yet this message is a joyful one, these are good tidings.

After ascension....life becomes as beautiful and effortles as the simple richness of one single candle flame in an otherwise empty white room....an ocean of safety and warmth amidst a cold dark night...


I walked by faith, not sight...

The way of the Light Warrior...



From Matthew

"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves."
Beware of men; for they will deliver you up to councils, and flog you in their synagogues
and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear testimony before them and the Gentiles.
When they deliver you up, do not be anxious about how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
Brother will deliver up brother to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death
and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved.
When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next; for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel, before the Son of man comes.


From the songs of Isaiah...About the Servant of the Lord...

1 “Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
   my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
   and he will bring justice to the nations.
2 He will not shout or cry out,
   or raise his voice in the streets.
3 A bruised reed he will not break,
   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
 4 he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
   In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

 5 This is what God the LORD says—
the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out,
   who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it,
   who gives breath to its people,
   and life to those who walk on it:
6 “I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
   I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
   to be a covenant for the people
   and a light for the Gentiles,
7 to open eyes that are blind,
   to free captives from prison
   and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.”  8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
   who have ears but are deaf.

"There is no peace," says the Lord "for the wicked."

8 This is what the LORD says:

   “In the time of my favor I will answer you,
   and in the day of salvation I will help you;
I will keep you and will make you
   to be a covenant for the people,
to restore the land
   and to reassign its desolate inheritances,
9 to say to the captives, ‘Come out,’
   and to those in darkness, ‘Be free!’

   “They will feed beside the roads
   and find pasture on every barren hill.
10 They will neither hunger nor thirst,
   nor will the desert heat or the sun beat down on them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them
   and lead them beside springs of water.
11 I will turn all my mountains into roads,
   and my highways will be raised up.
12 See, they will come from afar—
   some from the north, some from the west,
   some from the region of Aswan."

 13 Shout for joy, you heavens;
   rejoice, you earth;
   burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
   and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.


1 Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 4 Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.

 7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
   yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
   and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
   so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
   Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
   for the transgression of my people he was punished.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
   and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
   nor was any deceit in his mouth.

 10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
   and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
   and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
   he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
   and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
   and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
   and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
   and made intercession for the transgressors.


Isaiah 2:4 He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore. The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.


Hosea 2:18 In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety.

This is the time...


For Light Warriors or Souls on the ascencion path Ascension Pointers and Symptoms