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Well, Happy and new year of 2013 to all!

posted Jan 1, 2013, 11:57 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Feb 14, 2013, 2:12 PM ]

Here we go...

Last night we were all playing some card game, awaiting the new year (although I must say such events are quite meaningless to me really, although I enjoyed the pretty fireworks, there was so much of it too! I never attach much meaning to these types of man made’celebrations’,  I rather just celebrate each day), and my brother in law always has a certain look on his face when he has won, so I always know beforehand.....so I said to him ‘you have already won, I can see it in your face’...and than he said 'you know nothing Ilse', and that remark didn't have anything to do with the card game at all (even though I had been right, he had indeed won), it was accompanied by a big pushing cloud of ego rejection, which really tried to push me over, very unpleasant....So....I as already sensed, my time with the family is at it's max again...they have had enough of my energy and my other way of looking at things, which feels very threatening to them...

I know from experience we all have our limits to what we can take, I can only take so much of their old energy vibe, (sometimes it can still make me slightly angry as I am so very done with all that old stuff, and simply refuse to go along with it, not letting it drag me in. This is only natural), and they can only take so much of my new energy....So today and tomorrow I am staying at home...the day after I will drop by and say goodbye to them, as they drive home the next day already....So...I don't carry around the angry rejective ego energies they send my way, it's theirs and for them to deal with....

My sis had also cooked something Ayurvdic, which she is totally into, some curry, and I really couldn't eat it, it was so disgusting in taste to me. Which is fine, we all have our own unique taste in things, yet she was insulted/disappointed from an ego standpoint, she had worked hard on the meal, and that I totally appreciated, yet like it I did not....Then they all kept saying I shouldn't make such a display of my dislike, which I actually didn't, I simply quietly ate the rice with some salt and ketchup (I am used to improvising :D), yet everyone kept asking me if I REALLY did not like it, and that they liked it so much (even though that was not entirely true), and so I kept answering ‘no’....I tasted it and it was simply yuk.....Also my little cousin, who is 9 years old, isn't into the Ayurvedic taste at all, so she is 'blessed' with a mom which will challenge her to the core, thus helping/teaching her to stand by her own energy and taste, no matter what mom wants...

Even a kid knows by her taste very well what is and is not a match to her/him. Foods they really totally don’t like eating are very often also the kinds of foods they have no need/purpose for. Their body is simply telling them clearly. With kids it’s important to have them taste stuff more then just once, as kids tastes also need to develop, which may take a while. Yet at 9 years of age, they pretty much know. Any tastes which need to change/adapt over the years, will do so all by themselves, all natural, as one of course does not need the same foods and experiences ones’ whole life, what we need changes through ‘time’ and development.

Nothing to do, your taste is simply your taste, and theirs is theirs....If you don't like their taste, and they decide to make a fuss about it, it is theirs to deal with....Then my brother in law thought it also necessary to mention how, if I was in a state of dire hunger, I would have eaten it anyways...which is a totally different matter all together...

Of course we were all brought up in the idea one must eat up everything that lies one ones' plate, no matter what....which is totally old energy...In the new energy one does not force oneself into situations which are no match to who you are.....My dad experienced the 2nd world war as a small child, and they ate whatever they could lay their hands on back then, which comes very much from a an energy of scarcity, and that one must eat what one can get because there is not enough, it comes from a belief system which puts lack and the fear of suffering at the front and centre...where I come from a totally different place, one  that places abundance, love and plenty at the centre...

I also noticed how my cousins are for the most part no longer the pure kids they were, they are now ever quicker adapting to the energies in which they live. They have noticed how certain behaviour is accepted and other behaviours are not. They have now learned how for one thing one gets praised, where for another one gets unpleasant response, and so they are now also pretty much conditioned. The time of playing is al but over. It’s all good, they must also find their own way through the labyrinth

…As must my other cousin (we are a family of only women, feminine energy. I myself have 3 older sisters, who in turn have only daughters, no boys.), who turned 15 on Christmas eve, and had just before been taken into the same psychiatric hospital I myself was once in, for cutting herself (this kind of behaviour I can totally understand, it was always bound to happen with her, sweet little miss sensitive, being raised in a certain background. Causing pain to ones body, can ease and relax the pain in ones’ soul…for a short while anyways, it releases the inner pain. Dealing with physical pain is oftentimes much easier than dealing with psychological and emotional pain. Some sensitives develop OCD and/or other similar ‘neurotic’ safety systems, it is their way of coping, of controlling and dealing with a situation/world they feel is threatening and beyond their control. Not so different from using alcohol and/ or drugs to numb ones’ pain.)

History repeating itself....another circle/cycle completed.....and new one beginning...

My 9 year old cousin also told a story about school, how one of her classmates, who is a shy big girl, was being bullied for being of Turkish origin (wow, how primitive can you get), and how she stuck by her regardless. This of course is commendable behaviour in the world.

People who are/were bullied at some point oftentimes carry that energy of victim hood around their whole life, thus always repeating the same pattern and experiencing the same situation over and over again, no matter where they go. Unless they at some point are able to change/release that victim energy they carry, and find to their self-confidence.

The ones doing the bullying are also merely venting the friction of energies they feel inside from their own life situation, taking out their pain on others. When one causes someone else pain, one does not have to deal with ones’ own. A great way of staying away from dealing with oneself. They are in fact their own worst enemy. Also, a bully is seldom alone; a bully needs company, more of his own energy to support/sustain him, without it they are nothing. Same as old energy, which needs other old energy/low vibes in order to survive. It knows that, and so seeks out that which is similar to itself.

A light warrior breaks that eons old pattern…No wonder they may ‘dislike’ you. I do best with kids and dogs/animals, and only brief contacts with the old world. I know I can light up someone’s day just from running into them for a short moment. The other party often wishes to prolong the experience, wanting to relish in my warmth and light, but I always know they can only take so much…and so….I keep the experience doable for both parties. The best possible solution for all parties involved.

My cousin kept on repeating how she was to this Turkish girl, playing with her, ‘helping’ her, trying to get others to play with her as well, knowing she would get praise for it from the ‘adult’ world. I am in no way saying my cousin isn’t a very sweet girl whom I love to bits, but usually no one even notices how people/kids say/do stuff just to get a certain inbred response from those around them. It is all fake, not pure and from the heart, but with a hidden agenda. I can hardly ever engage in fake non-genuine conversations, not even with kids, I simply see no point in them, and see/pierce straight through all of it. I simply cannot support such fake patterns. So I keep neutral and do not display the reactions I am expected/supposed to...which of course is usually met with rejection, mockery and more such emotional ego outbursts.

Face it people, we are not in Kansas anymore...there is a world of difference between here..and there. Yet, thank God, there are also plenty things that bind and connect the worlds together, all one.

Watching the old world interactions is like watching a puppet show, and can be nauseating at times, being a witness to all these conditioned behavioural patterns.

I totally get all these energies, all these belief systems, mechanisms, and how they interact together, the psychology behind it and effects it can have. I see where they come from and how it all works, and it is fine by me, I place no judgement on it whatsoever (yet of course, being who THEY are, they always FEEL judgment anyways, thinking it is mine, when in fact it is merely their own filters and judgments in the way. They are merely  projecting their own labels on me, placing THEIR own meanings and definitions on me)...where all these old energy people always try to drag me into their endless discussions, attempting to prove that my views are wrong and distorted, always trying to trap me, and see if they can somehow make me trip and fall...So I just don't go there and simply end/stop the conversation. Then, when they ask me stuff, and I start speaking/answering and explaining, they cannot even let me finish one sentence, interrupting and falling all over me…sigh…The old world can be a frustrating place at times….Better to simply stay silent at certain (many) times.

Their egos try so hard to overthrow you, yet they can't....not ever…They have no influence on you, have no hold over you, whatsoever…Your self-confidence soars, has reached a state where it can no longer be touched and brought down...and so they get frustrated with you, sometimes even VERY frustrated, as you will not shrink yourself to fit/cramp into their safe & limiting mold, (like in the story about my downstairs neighbour who totally lost it and flipped out – see ‘life on the other side’)....as you do not go along/fit in with the energies and behaviours they know and feel safe with....It can truly freak them out not having any control over their surroundings, in this case meaning you.

If they so choose to place all kinds of definitions, judgments and meanings on your way of being/behaving, then that is simply them, and their best way of coping with your strong energy. Simply forgive them/you, love them/you, and let go. They are in a place where they truly cannot hear and understand you, their egos are in the way and so they will always misinterpret and misunderstand, everything you say gets twisted and turned until it is no longer anything you intended it to be. They need that in order to feel safe. Nothing to do about it.

This is also one reason why they need to criticize anyone that looks differently than the ideal fake image mold one sees in the media. Telling humans they are ugly and unworthy keeps them controlled and in their place. Those who do not honor and accept themselves, also cannot honor and accept others, it is basically themselves they reject when hammering on someone else. Feeling and looking good have nothing to do with physcial appearances. Rejecting oneself and ones' own needs, also means blocking oneself from receiving. When one does not love and support oneself, then the god inside cannot come in with loving support either. The inside and outside are always ONE. You decide, it is all your creation.

Old energy feels safest around old energy….New energy pushes old energy into change, with you around they must change, you are the catalyst which brings it about, your energy changes/challenges everything around you, as low vibes/tones must always adjust to high vibes/tones. Many of the old energy do not want to change, as changing is entering unchartered territory, which scares them, the unknown freaks them out, as they fear ‘loss’ and things which are uncategorised, not pre-formed  and unstructured…People have such a hard time letting go of the old and known….

My energy challenges those around me to the deepest depths of their core, especially when having been around me for a while and my energy deeply seeping through, trickling all the way in, I need not even utter one word about anything, it is always the same story...

Oftentimes people (especially dogs and kids, but also plenty of adults) also feel so great around me, they simply want the contact/interaction to continue, yet aren't aware why. Like this busdriver the other day that all of a sudden started asking me questions about my personal (sex) life and stuff. No harm intended, (strange) men oftentimes experience sexual arousal when being around me, and so, since they do not comprehend what is actually going on, a mere higher energy exchange, they totally dive into the phsyical experience of it (Sigh...guys, so little self control when it comes to sex :)). I receive plenty offers and been asked on many dates. (When I sold my car, the guy bying it asked me out, so did the above mentioned bus driver and the guy I sold some of my old stuff to, as did many others I met for entirely different innocent reasons) By now I have gotten quite used to and aware of all these types of happenings. Sometimes people just love to wallow in your light, peace and warmth, and it it is gladly given to them :)

Of course my sis is full of passion and enthusiasm about her spiritual yoga-thing, so she wants to share it with everyone, and shows her tricks anywhere and-time she can. I mostly find this very cute. My brother in law finds it necessary to kind of mock her behaviour (well…he too has to eat the Ayurvedic stuff ;D). His ego obviously feels the need to react, and express his light frustration about it, and would like her to fit more into his own idea of what’s acceptable behaviour. Her enthusiasm annoys him at times. The ego always wants everyone else to behave and adjust, according to its own idea/belief-system of what’s ‘right’. It wishes to control and contain, and whistle everyone back that goes beyond the prefab limits, like a trained dog, as what goes beyond feels like a threat to the ego.

I always found it very strange and unloving how spouses can be so totally disrespectful towards their partner, often also publicly trying to humiliate the other. Some partners never have anything loving or positive to say about their life-partner, at all, disrespecting him/her behind their backs, and even blatently lying to their partners' faces about stuff, acting like someone they are not. Why be together if you will/can not be honest about/with yourself, and if everything the other one does/says annoys you? The one you lie to is merely you.

But of course…this is the experience they chose to go through together, and so it is all perfect for them, they challenge each other through their contrast. My sis and her hubby are only just beginning.

Interesting is it not? In the New Energy this type of developments is out, here we grow, expand, and develop ourselves through neutrality, love and oneness, not contrast and ego. We are so much more/bigger than this. so much more than meets the eye.

Since my sis has now quit her long-time high profile job to completely focus on her yoga studio, (yoga also being nothing but another confining belief-system, when one closes oneself off to all else), also meaning saying goodbye to the big monthly pay check that came along with it, it is only now that they will get to see how ‘enlightened’, flexible and spiritually wise, and how harmonious and connected as a couple they truly are. This marks the beginning of a new development for them. Let’s see how they do in the letting go department, and the trusting in higher truths, as my sisters wishes to experience. Her spiritual development is like a race, can’t go fast enough. Her hubby has trouble keeping up. She always tells me my ascension experience, and all the pains that came with it, were self-inflicted and unnecessary. So I asked her, when she was so dizzy from a little pituitary gland opening the other day:  ‘Now, did you choose to have this dizziness today, and could you have prevented it?’ ...That was food for thought....

It is their path to walk, not mine (I am actually very glad I don't have a man like my sisters' husband in my life, that would just not work for me), I am merely the neutral spectator/observer. Detached Observing I find interesting. I am always most interested in processes. From how cheese is made to human experiences/developments, creative processes always fascinate me.

So...I, by now, know very well how to only descend and be around old energy in small doses, for a short while...and I very clearly feel, and have developed great sensors for it, when time's up and enough is enough.....I don't need to put myself in that position when/where it no longer feels good, I need not do that to myself...it is simply better for me not to....I can now very simply and easily navigate myself through it all. And, as always, the time I do spend around the old energy, I fill with the all overcoming connection of love and humor. Laughter does magic and is high energy/healing. So...I simply joke around a lot and act silly, something I 'happen to be' very good at, it comes natural :)

As you may have noticed, these, again, were fruitful holidays for me, in which I was once more confirmed in my new energy ways. They were merely repetetive to what I already knew and integrated, yet very stipulative and useful never the less. I am actually pleasantly surprised at how easy and simple it has now become to navigate between worlds, now that I get how it all works, have integrated it all and live accordingly. If now only my sensitivity to the earth, cosmos. and collective energies would also vanish, I would be totally and utterly purely in my own neutral balanced peaceful energy/space…But somehow…I doubt that will ever happen…I guess it is simply something I must live with, being a super-sensitive.

Also…the new neutral energy is of such a high vibe that it actually is no vibe/tone at all anymore….it is actually the neutral space in between vibes, the undefined. Be aware that after graduation nothing will ever be as it was before. You will have all you need at all times, and be able to create whatever it is you choose…Yet, where those manifestations will come from, be it money, means, opportunities or otherwise, will not necessarily be a structural thing, it can, but doesn't have to be, whichever serves you, and everyone involved perfect at that time  So just go with it, whatever you feel called to do and/or whatever comes/is being offered to you all naturally, have no preconceived ideas about anything, keep the doors open, the energies free to come in from any space/place/source at all. This is not going to be a thing where you necessarily go/adhere to a daily job/routine and make a structured life and pre-designed amount of money each month, and work within all kinds of systems and structures. This is an experience where sometimes the money/means/stuff/support will come from here, next time it will be from there, one time you will have a lot of it, the next it will be less, all befitting of the situation. There will be no pre-set plan to anything, and no more (hidden) agendas. It is a multi-levelled/layered and multi- and inter-dimensional higher experience now.

Those cosmic vacuum cleaners/garbage recycling macines, also known as light warriors, who came to Earth specifically to break the old patterns/structures will mostly experience this a very natural way of being.

If you have created something, like I have with my art and handicrafts, where you offer your ‘work’ for people to buy, then leave it free and open…Don’t focus on acquisition and/or meeting certain quota, be it money or otherwise, or having to be ‘successful’, as in selling numbers and making your ‘fortune’ or a ‘name’ with it, doing business. One month you may sell, the next you may not, and means will come in from other sources, all in perfect divine order…The new way is not about having a controlled pre-conceived structured experience, it is about freedom, openness and receiving and going with the flow. Do not block the energies with all kinds of goals and definitions. Things will never again be the way they were before transitioning.

Honor all expressions of the truth, don't stay stuck/rigid in one belief-system, just use from each world/reality what is of use to you, which serves you, and forget that which does not resonate. Leave everyone to his/her own beliefs, no matter how confining. It is their free choice to make. What is right for you isn't necessarily right for someone else. Be a multi-, interdimensional free being of new neutral energy, which is one with all...

I am actually glad now that by being who I am, I never got to study anything specific, it is simply not my nature. By being detached from any one way, from details, one can be one with all ways and keep an open mind and interdimensional overview and understanding of everything...This is also my way of being with creating, I just do whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it, whatever the moment calls for, no matter what it is. I do not stick to just one thing. Why limit oneself to only one creative expression of craft when there is so much to experience and do. As a multi- and inter-dimensional being, I also need my life and surroundings to be that way. I consist of so many different facets/dimensions/components/talents/interests, that I can never limit myself to just one of them. I am ALL of them, and so I wish to experience all of them as well, basically at the same time. Right now I am looking to get my hands on some clay, as I very much feel drawn to also working with clay for the moment.

My Twin Love is basically also another dimension of me...he reflects back at me the love I hold for myself. I can't wait to dive into him and get to know all of him...as he is me, and I am him.

As I mentioned before somewhere, What interests me most are processes. Creative processes. Whether its watching cheese being made (or making it myself) or watching humans toil, I find it all most fascinating. How one takes different components and by mixing/bringing/fusing them together one gets a whole other, new component. Take/break them apart and again something totally different comes into being. It is pure magic...and divine.

We are creators to the core, that is ALL we are, and life/creating is not about frantically holding on to ones’ creations, but about staying fluid, letting old and out served creations go, and move to the next one, the next experience and development. When you lost a home or livelihood, there is no need for worry, because the one thing you need most you still have, which is YOU. Your own creative force which provides all. The god inside is all you need, it can create a whole new life/existence from scratch. Trust it. Trust you. Nothing exist outside of us, we did it all, only we are responsible, nothing and no one else.

I was never synchronised with the old world, as I always was a multi-dimensional being in a world thinks everything is flat/linear/one way, this was never my place/space, and it never felt right, it was simply way too limiting….Now I am in the process of synchronising the world with/to my own energies…isn’t that something? I now know so well what my needs are, who I am, and how and where I need to be, and at what ‘moment’, in order to be all of me and still be/remain in this world, living in harmony with it. Energetically I have this thing totally down.

Leaving this world was always my deepest desire. I wonder how it will feel when having also found my own unique perfect physical space…Then I would truly be an island of New Energy amidst a world of old realities, which all have their own space, yet behind the scenes also work/interact in perfect neutral harmony with every energy around, be it old, new, in between or beyond…

Then I would be all of me…Inside and out...Where before it was still all about transitioning and transmuting, which of course also provides the perfect unique space and experience for everyone, befitting of and according to who they are and what it is they need to 'learn'/let go of.

I am content being in the space I am in now, and taking it for what it is, making the best of it, seeing what it is showing me, being at peace with it all, right here, right now, being at peace with my aloneness as well. And that is all I want for the ‘new year’ really…It is always perfect and what I need anyway...So..I count my blessings :) I am actually very content that I made all the choices I made in life, guiding myself, and fightig myself a way through to what is befitting to me, no matter how much ridicule and oppsoition I got from the surrounding world. It was actually because of those, I was able to stick to my inner knowings...

Next thing up…I ran into my new upstairs neighbour, whom I never really met, but knew from one handshake she is to somehow to take over for me here. She has invited me over for coffee, sometime in the beginning of the new year….A transfer of energy will take place, I will pass on the 'stick' to her, of course I don't know how long this process will take, so let's just see what happens...I actually knew this was coming :)

My root canal experience just a few days ago actually served to renew me/my energies...It jolted me into a new experience/cycle.

Until next ‘time’…

Have fun



P.S.: I spent most of my day in the hospital today (January 3rd 2013)...My mom was having breathing difficulty, she has been a bronchitis and asthma patient all her life, and now she had a cold/the flu, and so she wasn't doing that well.....

Of course my, yoga-indoctrinated sis criticized my mom for focussing on her illness, my dad followed my sis in her ideas and kept telling my mom she just had a little bitty flu and should not take any medicine at all. My mom felt insecure and sick, wanted to do what all the others were telling her to do and not be a 'sissy' or be any trouble to anyone, although she knew inside it wasn't okay by her, and she was afraid and worried and needed/wanted help...So, she texted me for help, and didn't tell anyone about it, as she knew everyone would be opinionated and criticize that too. She just wanted some support, someone to listen and care...I know her so well, so I went to the village immediately.....My dad was just about to take a nap and my sis was watching a movie while my mom was lying there sick with breathing difficulty...

There is a difference between indifference and detachment you know....

Once one loses ones’ compassion and ability to love, truly see and hear others, one has become a psychopath, but not a detached being. (Beware, I am not in any way suggesting my dad and sis are psycho, they are merely so convinced of their own ideas that they have difficulty being open to truly hearing, seeing and respecting other ways/energies than their own)

It is so weird to see how all these people project their own idea of what's acceptable onto each other, and so everyone feels misunderstood, unheard, gets insecure and dishonours oneself, what a strange and complex mess they make of things....

I say it again: what is right for you is not necessarily right for others! And if someone else needs and/or believes something different to what you need and/or believe, then that should never be taken as a personal insult. Stop taking things personal, tame that ego!

Also: there is no shame in asking for help, allow yourself to be supported. Everyone that gets asked for help is free to say yes or no. Don’t be sad, disappointed or insulted when someone says no, as something else/better will arrive. Learn from the experience, and keep your trust at all times. When everyone simply stays true to themselves, honouring themselves in every way, things remain very clear and honest, and no misunderstandings will occur.

Your interpretations and preconceptions are simply your interpretations and preconceptions, and nothing more, they block you from receiving and truly hearing and seeing.

So, after I saw the state my mom was in (she can be a bit of a hypochondriac, that's true, doesn't mean one has to ignore everything about her though), I simply told my dad to drive us to the hospital, and because of my decisive way, he listened to me right away, no drama…Had he not, I would have arranged us a taxi.

I told my mom she should always follow her own gut and not listen to anyone else in that regard,...My mom is someone who carries a lot of fears…fear of pain, sickness, death etc. So whenever she gets a cold or the flu, she is always fearful some prior experiences of illness might repeat themselves.

There is absolutely no point in telling someone she must not fear when her fear is so deeply rooted, she keeps on creating more confirmation of her fears, in having her fears become a reality all the time. The illness merely culminates that way.

So the check-up at the hospital was to help take away my moms’ fear, thus helping her relax. My mom beforehand had a very rigid idea of what the doctor at the hospital should be offering her as a solution, she had it all figured out, thinking she knew the perfect solution already, being as experienced with her illness as she is, and all the medications for it. (My grandmother died of a doctors’ mistake right under my mothers’ eyes, so that fear is also deeply impregnated in my moms’ system. She has great trouble trusting).

Before arriving at the hospital, I carefully suggested to my mom that if, maybe, the doctor offered her some new medicine and, maybe, a much better solution then she knew of, she might better take it, as something new doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t as good as the old, well known and tried, and that the Austrians are very good and experienced with handling lung-diseases, as they have plenty of those over here. I suggested she should let and trust just a little.

In the car my mom was still very much, rather grumpily, convinced of her won idea, and not really, or at all, open to any new solutions….but the car ride gave her time to get used to the idea…as did the long wait at the hospital itself.

There, they checked everything (in the meantime I had sent my dad to the car in the underground parking lot for his nap, which he was fine with, hospitals and waiting are not his strongest qualities you know), from an ECG, oxygen levels to x-rays of her lungs and blood work, the works, and gave my mom an intravenous injection of cortisone, and some other inhalation drugs....So now, she at least felt calmer, as they checked it all, and it was shown there was no inflammation of any kind to be found anywhere...

The good doctor, thank God, was wise enough not to tell my mom what to do, but gave her choice,  2 options: either stay at the hospital to be on the safe side, as my mom is a chronic patient, or to be given some new drugs, none of which she had ever used before. Surprise, surprise, my mom went along with all the new drugs the doctor suggested. The next day when I looked her up, she had had a very good nights’ sleep, and the drugs had done wonders for her, so she was going to ask her own doctor in Holland for the same meds.

My parents are in their early 70ies, and pretty set in their ways, it is not easy opening them up to accept new and different perspectives and ways, and to freely receive is something they were simply not taught when growing up. Yet this experience opened them up, even if only in a small way. One can always learn new things, no matter what age…and it was not I that brought it about, it was them! They did this for themselves. My mom opened herself up to receiving relief/release from her symptoms. She brought about her own support/healing. (and of course, another aspect/dimension to this is that for some reason my light was needed at that hospital)

I felt pretty detached all the way through today....I was used to seeing my mom with needles and stuff, having health issues, and my mom is so used to doctors poking her and stuff as well.....

It was just weird to see how no one was listening to, seeing or hearing each other....Strange world out there....like something from another planet...I think I am now officially an alien, E.T. :D (guess I always was huh).

Sometimes I feel like one of those ghosts in a movie, that walks amongst the living, yet no one can hear or see her…Or as if I am under a glass bell, or behind a glass wall which blocks all sound.

yet all these events/experiences, incl. all the sweet people who write to me with many questions, support me just as much as I do them, with seeing and sticking to my truth...So..many thanks to you all! :)

Now, the family has gone back home to Holland again...my dad and I said goodbye in tears of laughter, as we were both farting all over the place, having just eaten very well at a local restaurant. It was quite hilarious! :D

Keep on laughing people, it's magic! :)

P.P.S :  You will be taken care of....I had some really great creative ideas, yet needed (money for the) materials...and my creative expression truly is a basic life's need for me, I cannot do without....So I said to myself "it will be okay somehow, I am letting this go. From now on there will only be money given to me, not asked/demanded, ever again..."

So today, January 10th 2013, after finally getting myself outta bed, as I wasn't much looking forward to another same old day, showering, and walking in the dark amidst huge and beautiful snow flakes falling (I actually stood underneath a lantern with my mouth open to catch them, like a little  child :D), I finally got to opening my mail...and...there were 2 letters from pension insurers...As it turns out, the ski school at the time, and also my old employer at the tourist office, had built up a very small amount of pension for me, from the time I worked there...I have the option to let them pay it to me now...The amount is just enough to buy myself the required materials :D This is a clear example of how past, present and future are in fact one, thus also working/interacting together as such.

It can be challenging at times to stay out of God's/ the divine's business, as the mental mind is so eager to know what (and how) comes next, and wants to control everything, making things happen.....but hands off is truly the best way....

Of course...I too hope I won't have to be this alone and locked away from the world/life much longer...I happen to like/love people, no matter how nuts they are...I have no problem walking around in the old world, visiting it, in small doable doses....I like meeting ( new) people...and I feel I am aware and strong enough now to know...

That's why things change so quickly at times....so that you don't get a chance to hold on to any one way, so that you let go and keep your hands (mind) off....to keep an open mind, and learn to allow every way...whichever is best....most perfect for everyone involved...

I can't imagine a life with (or without) my Love...and I don't want to think about him anymore either, I just wanna be here and now, and be fine with it, without any desire to be anywhere or do anything else.....but be here, and now, and be at peace with that.....Where the yearning for him clearly served its purpose of hanging in there before, a light to work towards at the end of the (excruciatingly) long dark tunnel, it is simply easier now when I don't think about him at all, and don't long for him and/or a new life/future....Of course I have my moments where I just feel like making love, and for that there simply is no other than him.....Once one has had the perfect sexual experience...well.....it leaves little room for anyone/anything else really, why settle for anything less? I am spoilt now that way :D....Although, never the less, I would be open to someone else...

I am open to anything/anyone that would present itself, totally unbiased, without any preconceptions about people or places or how and when things are to come about....I would not reject anything....I mean, we all know, one thing can lead to another....and turn into something totally different and unexpected....So, I am open to anything.

For instance, I got my first free

delivery from the food bank last saturday...wow...that was a whole lotta food! Not the type of foods I usually would pick for myself, but a lot. There was some of everything! It was like Christmas :D Very nice lady too, she drank a cup of tea with me, and we laughed and talked a lot...not your typical conservative Tyrolean gal, that's for sure! And mom to 3 girls, an all feminine household, like the one I grew up in! I quite enjoy experimenting with all these unknown foods the local food bank gives me, all new tastes and stuff.....Rather interesting......With the food from the food bank coming in I have no idea beforehand what kind of foods I am going to get....I used to always buy in cheap, usually the same kind of foods...and now, I have no say whatsoever in what i am getting, and so I simply have to go with what is given to me, and be creative with it...as I was so used to eating the same food a lot, knowing exactly how to prepare it and stuff....It is simply another way/dimension of letting go...so...I am just going along with it....The divien will take care of it all and make sure that whatever I get is also that which I need.