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Coming home - cardinal grand cross 2014 - creating reality

posted Apr 15, 2014, 3:33 PM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Apr 27, 2014, 6:22 PM ]

Okay, after this Coming Home, the currently underway events with the cardinal grand cross etc invited me to expand/zoom in on that abit more, and share the following:

This way the first gramophone was created:  sound/speech/vibration was guided through a cone, which ended/transferred onto a thin membrane, which in turn attached/transferred to a needle, which thus transferred/pressed/stamped the vibration-pattern onto/into a spinning disc of wax, thus the disc catching the vibration in/onto a concrete form…and vice versa: spinning the disc of (now hardened-out set) wax, with a needle following (in) the grooves, thus transferring that needle-vibration-pattern onto a membrane, which in turn was then amplified through a cone…

and the same way light gets caught in the eye, and translated into a form/image...

The same way thought-vibration gets transferred…and made into solid form/reality….

They are all projections...mirrors

I am sure you see how it is all one and the same




Now see how the eclipses form the same geometry…and the cardinal grand cross being sandwiched in between the two….

meaning the eclipses serve to amplify the vibration…

the lunar eclipse (and the time up to the lunar eclipse) is basically the breathing in (=input), the cardinal grand cross is the actual stamp, stamping in the new reality, nailing/stamping it to the cross/earth, catching the vibe onto the disc…and then the following solar eclipse (=output) serves to breathe out the now set/solidified vibration into form/material reality

So whatever reality was created in energy during the time prior (=the breathing in),  gets stamped in, and breathed out on the other side of the sandwich, with the solar eclipse….transformed/translated from vibration/energy into solid form….

same way a trumpet works, you blow on/in it on one end, sound/tone comes out the other end *

the wind (non-physical/ethereal/energy) being translated into tone (physcial/material/solid form)...

and same as:

Divine Counterparts and the 11:11 


 The 8-loop being the blueprint basic principle to creation (in this universe anyway)

the grand cross is the (energy of swirling air/vortex) point of stamping/tranformation/translation in between the 2 cones, the middle-point(s) of the 8...It is the time-lock where past (spirit/feminine, lunar-eclipse and mars-retrograde), present and future (matter/masculine, solar-eclipse) meet, and a new reality clicks into place.

See in the crop circle image here above the eclipses in the middle of the cross, which are also a projecting eye? (This crop circle actually appeared many years ago already)

Our thoughts are like a projection, they compose/draw/project a certain image onto a blank canvas, the way a movie projector does onto a screen...like seeing into a mirror...at some point we simply step through the mirror and become that mirror-reflection/ projection... we step onto the canvas and become part of our projection, it has thus become a material reality. (an image is after all nothing more then a light-vibration creating a form). This is what happens with this cardinal grand cross and the 2 eclipses as well...the cross is the stamp/flipping point, and the solar eclipse is where we step onto the canvas and become our projection, become a physical part of all we thought up (=breathing in) before the lunar eclipse....the solar eclipse is where we are being breathed out...

Same way years ago, the melting together/merging of Michael and I imprinted a vibration in me, an image/projection planted deep within my soul and body, of true love/original innocense, the purity i then had to work my way to become.

And same way Michael, without knowing it, -being my mirror-reflection, the mirror of my soul- was actually preparing and creating the reality i was projecting in/with my mind all these years (the feel-good image of my dream-life, the dream which kept me going all these years), and neither of us knew that was what the other was doing. I projected/thought it, he exercised it....he prepared and made it a physical reality, without ever knowing he was bringing into form what my mind was creating/thinking up...i was projecting my thoughts onto him, and he never even knew he was receiving (me) and executing them. The new place in Canada B.C. is not only the accumulation of all that i am and love, it also fits Michael, so both of our personalities are served/reflected. It is actually quite magical and miraculous.

I repeat from Coming Home:

p.s: btw...those big supporting astrological events that are currently underway (there is talk of eclipses, solar flares and cardinal grand crosses...people seem a bit frantic about it), serve to stamp or seal in the new reality...the earth is also the cross... jesus/christ got nailed/stamped to the cross, his love did (not accidentally he was resurrected on easter, which is also being celebrated this month, around my b'day on 14-4-14, where i turn 44 (=also an 8)...all squares/4's/crosses/foundations...sealing/anchoring/stamping in the balance of heaven and earth we brought about and established over these many years)...and so now we are being stamped to the cross....(also meaning the twin flame balance/harmony now being brought 'down' into the physical, onto and into the earth, as the 11:11 is also a 4...and as Michael and i have been merging ever deeper in spirit over these past 2 months, and our physical merging, the merging of his and mine, of our material realities, comes ever closer.. we, in the process also bring about this (physical) merger of heaven and earth/spirit and matter for the earth and cosmos, as nothing is ever separated, and all is one...the deeper we merged in spirit/soul/energy, the more we closed the gap between spirit/female/heaven and matter/male/earth, the more of the 'lower' rungs of the ladder could anchor into their new material realities, and the closer he and i come to our physical reunion...thus we're closing the gap between spirit and matter more and more, and sealing in the new (material) reality....when he comes (in)to me in the flesh, we in the process close the seal we opened so many years ago (which literally made me bleed)...and seal in the new reality, for everyone, for good)

so in case you are wondering what we are now waiting for, that's it...we're waiting for all the lower rungs to settle into their new material reality....for the zipper to close, the ladder to become solid working downside-upward (from the 'ground' up)...we can go to our new life once they're all settled in, and things 'below us' have solidified....as in: foundations....and then...we turn on the lid, sealing it in....we close the gate....the new material reality and energy are now being stamped/sealed in for good...and it will indeed bring about a bang/ thrust as the stamping in happens, and the hammer falls (which is of course already happening..it is not ever the stars/ planets bringing anything about, it is us, always us, the planets only serve to support what we are doing, they are us, we are summonning the events...they mirror/reflect us, and vice versa..the same way humans reflect each other, and your reality reflects who you are being/what you are being about...until you change it)... so there is a fall out, pushing out many things of old which can no longer be upheld by its outward spreading vibration...like throwing a stone in the water, and the circular vibe of it ripples outward.....We are Noah, the arc, as well as the flood, all in one.

(Noah means: rest, comfort, peaceful...Our arc of inner -and outer- male/female balance/harmony will steadily stay afloat/upright, when all else falls...we built t
hat arc, we are that arc -which holds the male-female balanced blueprint-, and in our flood of love all that is not (in) the arc -meaning all that is NOT love/harmony- will be washed/whiped clean...we are the builders, pillars, and cleansing flood of innocent and pure, true love (= the so called biblical 'lamb'.)

this kinda like the perfect month to reunite in the flesh, and bring the new energy/love physically onto/into the earth, and
have it stamped in...to bring his earth onto/into my heaven, and my heaven onto/into his earth....and seal it in. Michael and I serve as the final seal, as holders (=the arc) of the fully restored (inner and outer, formless and formed) divine blueprint of original innocense/ pure undefined love (as do some of you as well).

But...quite frankly...I am the pioneer way ahead of (my) time...as I am supposed to be.

Revelation 6:12-17
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;
And the stars of the heavens fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
And the heavens departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;
And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:
For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

(red moon=blood moon. black sun= eclipse, stars 'falling to the earth'= meteor shower and the above mentioned celestial seal/stamp...The above mentioned 'Lamb' = original innocence/pure love, the twinflame balance/harmony)

Revelation 8:1-6
And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.
And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.
And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer [it] with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne.
And the smoke of the incense, [which came] with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.
And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast [it] into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake.
And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.

* (7 trumpets= 7 crosses/trumpets as described here above....a total of a series of 7 grand crosses, the 1st of which took place years ago already....each one sealing in a higher vibration/tone/reality.....naturally, sealing/stamping in a certain tone/vibration, automatically opens up the (seal to the) next tone....as in: evolution...)


The description in the bible of course comes from the observers' primitive and fearful state of mind/society, not to be taken so literal and rigid...still...there is some truth in it as well....yet were he speaks from a place and time of gods' wrath and fear, as they did not know any better in those days...we(god) of course mean(s): LOVE

I also decided to add – following here below-  most of the last chapter of my book, which I did not publish on this website before, and which contains my experiences during the last period of 2013, as it kinda fits here now, in this ‘time’…as I experienced the new reality already way before it was put in solid form.

I already even wrote and prepared this last and final addition, about Michaels’ return, long beforehand. I could however not publish, as the actual event(s) had not yet come to pass.…It is all I felt,  experienced and wrote last June-July 2013 and thereafter…it was in fact, as it turns out now, also a sneak preview of the future/ reality to come now in 2014, which occurred right around the time Michael visited his home town, right after I had been there.



June/july 2013:

...I was about to lift off of the earth, like a rocket, straight back into heaven. All this giga-high vibration of pure and intense innocent love was making me physically tremble. I was dizzy, had headaches, heart palpitations, could no longer be/sit still and contain it all. I had to MOVE. At times I was literally jumping up and down, pacing through the house, in an attempt to accommodate it all, hold it inside, needing to circulate it through my body, veins and cells as it settled in, integrating, unable to concentrate on a movie, a book, writing (spelling) or drawing. I had many symptoms, as my body was tuning in, adapting to the highest frequencies, like a music instrument adjusting its tone to the sound of a tuning-fork that sings Love. I was all over the place, felt light-headed and almost ‘fading’, evaporating, hyperventilating, floating ‘upward’ like a hot air balloon (the only thing keeping/anchoring me down on the earth was basically my heavy body weight), with lots of muscle twitching and sneezing my a** off, all the while also feeling very sexually aroused (Becoming one with God is very sexual indeed). I needed him (Michael) to physically nail me/us ‘(;D) solid onto the earth, as I could not contain all this high love in this body no more, not on my own, not by myself. This one body is just not big enough. The dam was breaking, Love needs to flow free! Ideals are in fact very limiting.

I had so been  waiting (sometimes with slight frustration and a sense of urgency) for the old hologram to (finally) fall away/dissolve and reveal the truth. I can no longer take the old world (that) seriously, as it simply does not reflect the/my truth, not the true me. I look at it as a theatre-set, a movie-set made out of painted cardboard, all fake, not sincere to who I am. I can no longer play those games either, they do not interest me and are not real to me anymore, and so I don’t give my energy to it. This is an all natural response, like breathing, not something I need to think about.  On a scale of infinity, nothing matters.

When paperwork from some government office comes in, I just put it away in a box unopened. One can say this is denial/rejection of ‘reality’, but I simply feel no need for responding to any of it, nothing calls/urges me to participate/interact anymore, I am simply not interested. It is not that I am weary of it, or frustrated and rejective of that old world, it is just that I am not interested, I simply cannot be bothered. To me none of it is real, and actually quite boring as well. It is a game I do not feel connected to or feel any necessity/desire to play in, not a reality structure I feel I need to uphold or give my energy to.….as it is not mine. There simply no longer exists any drive in me to react/respond to any of it, my responses have been totally neutralised over the many years of boot camp. It has all been put to peace/sleep. Whenever I interact with them/ the old timeline it is as if I look at it from a great distance, detached, dissociated, unreal, acting , playing some role that is not me/real. Like an alien attempting to play human, for fun. A centre point of peace amidst of a hurricane, yet I enjoy those visits very much in certain doses. I cruise/ navigate in between realities sometimes; each reality requires its own role/language. All the old settings/people I surrounded myself with were also just an act, a staged play-act, something I set up (a reality that suited me at the time) to push myself into a certain direction/development, into a new day.

Basically it is all just a fake, a hologram created from an old timeline I now surpassed and mo-ved beyond, over the rainbow…and it was not like anything I could have ever imagined

From the stars, planets and their movements (which influence us & each other if one needs/ believes such things), to the seasons, our body and hormones -that stir the chemical processes leading to the simulation of all kind of emotional expressions- to everything else we see, it is all fake. It is never really the planetary movements or our bodies etc. causing anything, it’s always US. Any prop is just a medium which we use to transfer our own intentions, which results in our intentions becoming reality, it is all fake. Just a theatre-set serving a play….we are the ones moving the set around to suit our needs, to serve our desired experiences, aware or unaware. Everything listens and responds to our voice, forms itself accordingly, to match our intentions, thoughts and requirements. Which ever we choose.

I can barely connect to my family as being ‘my family’ any-more, on some level of course I know I was born of their blood, and we have ‘history’ together, meant something to each other at some point/time in life, but we now live in totally different worlds, and where they continue on/in the old timeline, I went to ‘heaven’. The ‘purpose’ be-hind those relationships has simply gone. I feel fuzzy warm love for them…but then, I feel that with all humans, no one is a stranger to me, I always feel I know everyone, and they all feel familiar.

I cannot relate much to these new/old stories/realities/ experiences they create(d) for themselves in the old timeline. Those are unique for/to them, and have no-thing to do with me basically, their free will, and their creations I observe from a ‘distance’, with full respect for their choices. Those people are not the ones I knew, it all changed. I changed. Surreal. And where everyone is oh so serious and heavy in the mind, I simply frolic through life, towards, amidst others and away from them again, playful like a puppy.

Back when my process started 6 years ago, Michael in fact re-presented the/my future of love and harmony. Then I surpassed him, became that love & harmony (in) myself, and he could come in from the past to make us/love one on the outside, in the present. The future timeline of love made manifest in the now. He is, and has always been a natural part of me.

Before, I could no longer believe in the surroundings as they were presented to me every mor-ning when opening my eyes. I could no longer identify with any of it. My disinterest mostly translated into lots of sleepiness (Once, I slept 14 hours straight), withdrawing from the outside world, sleeping and watching TV, despite of it being glorious weather outside. (Whenever I go for a stroll there’s also always lots of people who come up to me for a chat, mostly people I never met before, and I do enjoy that. They always tell me stories about their lives, and as long as it’s not one big rant about their misery and drama, which is boring, I truly enjoy listening to all these unique human stories/processes/ experiences. And I know they come to me for a reason, so it’s all good. I even found 20 lucky clovers in 5 days, and those who saw me walk around with all those lucky clovers were intrigued…so when asked, I told them when one assumes the lucky clovers are there, one also finds them. All one does is open ones’ mind/heart to them. And that if one believes they bring luck, then so it is/will be…etc. Often it evolves into a very interesting revealing conversation).

So yeah, I had been waiting for the old reality/hologram to finally dissolve and reveal the sparkly, shiny truth of the new and true me behind it. After all that is how ‘reality’ is built up, layers of truths stacked one behind/inside the other, like layers of an onion. I really could/can no longer truly relate to the old reality, I can no longer take it seriously and see and treat it as real, as it too is just another fake (created by those existing in it, feeding/fuelling it). I no longer feel the drive to participate, and jump through those hoops. Things will be fine and perfect anyway, and solve themselves, even when I do nothing.  Of course I don’t speak about this with others, they’d think I am nuts, or/and disrespecting/ judging them, which is definitely not the case. I was simply always one that observes, from a neutral distance, and sees connections and overlaps everywhere, between everyone and everything. Yet I have no personal opinion about them, it means nothing, nor do I need to take part in stuff that means nothing to me. I can no longer be programmed from the outside in. I stand gentle but firm in meaninglessness.

I no longer felt like a match to anything that was still my physical reality at that time, nothing fitted anymore, like clothes that no longer suited who I was. I now resided in a lightness of being, of a strange and undefined, empty, yet magical, gentle, full beauty. There are no words. There is a new depth to flavours, fragrances, scents, sounds, light, colour, textures, breathing…Even my skin is so sensitive to touch, it turns the shower water touching upon it, into a totally new experience, a sensation of unprecedented satisfying richness, like being scratched where it itches. My food tastes and smells, like it never ever did before, so many layers of flavour. And even my own drawings touch me on a level they never reached before, bringing tears to my eyes. Can you even imagine what love-making is like over here? J

Of course, any and all realties are holograms, staged play-acts (even Michael is just a fake, he is simply me in disguise/in another costume…something I (we) myself staged/designed to ensure/bring my(our)self to a certain experience)….Except, there are those plays that are simply (more) sincere/true/real to us, (very close) to who we are, to how we feel inside, and how we view ourselves and the world around us, how we THINK. The hologram always adjusts to our views and intentions….yet it remains, forever, just a hologram, nothing more. The one who is us, ‘sits’ in his virtual reality chair and dreams it all up. We do not really move, not ever. We simply remain… for all eternity…..and everything ‘around’ us moves, flares, spins, waves, dissolves, appears, evolves, morphs, disappears, like tidal waves coming in and moving away again.  Yet we remain.

This is basically also what I have been ‘doing’ in these past 6 years of processing: I almost completely retreated from participating in any reality. I sat still, removed, unmoving, in the neutral quiet of my home/sanctuary while watching all old belief-systems and realities (that were not me) around me dissolve, falling/peeling itself away (from me). It truly was like time travelling, sitting inside a time-machine or -capsule, and looking out the window, watching all the eras pass by/fall away, travelling/passing through them without ever leaving the machine to participate/plug into any of them. Whenever I felt in danger of becoming to involved/attached in an era/energy/BS/play, I caught myself and immediately detached, unplugged, and steered myself back on track (=transmutation of energy), by mere choice, use of my mental strength and will, as still none of them was/reflected ME, and thus I was never supposed/ meant to take them personally/onto and into myself, and/or participate in them anymore. I remained, while by use of my free will/choice and body/physical expression, transforming/ changing these old energies into new energy/love…while all else fell away, and the core be-came uncovered. A travel/journey to the centre of the universe/me. Everything once created, now being sucked back in/up, rewinding the film.

(One can also view it as a birth canal getting ever narrower, not allowing for anything untrue/ impure to pass through, more and more mass being squeezed away, like a tube of toothpaste being emptied out to the very last drop. The canal opening and closing in many endless con-tractions, for many years, until the newborn innocent baby was finally ready to be born. It was merciless. (Vomiting also occurs the same way btw, intestines/processing and creation/birth work the same way overall, like a heartbeat or breath. (Same way (tree) leaves look like lungs with all the veins running through them. It is all one and the same; it all mirrors/ reflects each other.). This purging it also translates in naturally doing away with old stuff, like clothes and paperwork etc. One simply feels the urge to clear away, outside as inside… Above is as below, and inner is as outer, it all mirrors/reflects each other, is one whole and functions as such.)

I pretty much feel like an alien. Being aware of something from knowing it, is something totally different from actually having seen, experienced and understanding it. Knowing you’re divine is something different to actually feeling and living your divinity. And knowing you’re God is something totally different from actually seeing or having looked through Gods eyes. Knowing people mirror each other is different from actually having SEEN the neutral being/mirror inside them. It was like looking at totally blank,  same water-surfaces which reflected each other, no faces or personalities, just blank mirrors staring at each other, mirroring/reflecting each others surface, like water reflects the image of the one seeing into it, like into a mirror. When I saw all those blank surfaces around me, being the One god, like many pieces of the same one shattered mirror, one being, I felt like the alien/God inside. I felt nothing, had no personality, no name, no age, no opinion, no nothing, a completely blank canvas, totally detached and distanced. I watched the mirrors‘ surfaces  ripple and texts or images appearing on them, and then saw how the other mirrors reflected those exact same texts and images back at them, unaware of their function as a projection screen to each other. Their personalities/ego totally oblivious to the fact that they carry this same one mirror-being inside, this same water surface, which they can have full reign over, if they were aware/awake. I was them, the still water surface was me,  looking at it from the inside out, or from beyond. It was weird. I had no  response whatsoever. Nor did I care whether it rained or the sun was out shining, it was all the same to me. Summer, fall, spring or  winter, each has its own charm, and I didn’t care for any of it.

As the developments of these past weeks unfolded, it was naturally all the time accompanied by pretty much the whole spectrum of (rather mild) well known symptoms: The usual grounding and integrating symptoms, like aching lower extremities, knees, feet and tail-bone area, waking up feeling as having just been run over by a bus, sore hips, joints, ligaments, soreness in back, shoulders and neck muscles, belly and blather pressure/cramps, being cold, being glowing hot, sweating, headaches, dizziness, waves of almost constant sneezing and accidental coughing, tickly or throat, post-nasal-drip, fleeing shooting nerve-aches and -pains, bouts of lovely deep releasing tears which put me in a pleasantly fuzzy, tired, heavy weary bodied state, feeling the very icy cold whirl  wind all around me etc. All the while knowing inside I was now all done, and this was merely my body, thus physical/material reality, in the process of catching up, after the big breakthrough of weeks before…one last time. I still feel it when the earth and humanity shift, but none of those feelings released trigger anything in me personally anymore. I still sense what goes on, but since it is not mine, and I no longer play the role of transmutation-machine, being out of the cycle/process, it feels very…faint, distant… almost unreal, everything that was before appears to be just a mere echo.

After so many years of processing one becomes unhinged with the whole thing. After a while the whole proverbial ‘carrot dangling’ is no longer of interest, one no longer pays attention to the symptoms, the discomforts, and the ‘dangling’, it has all become part of the game, it gets boring. One has basically put aside ones’ own idea of ‘needs’ and wants’…The dangling becomes old, uninteresting, which is a natural development. It is not the same as being so exhausted that one no longer cares what happens, it is the kind of response that is all natural when one has been around the block a few times and seen and done it all. Simply from being done. Ever had someone yank away something you just wanted to grab, right before your eyes, holding it over your head where you can’t reach, repeatedly lowering it right in front of your nose, then pulling it beyond your reach again? After a while one simply stops jumping for it, and loses interest. Everything has gotten released, every need and want…

….And what to do with that long desired dream anyway, once it has become manifest? I experienced moments of fear of my dreams becoming a reality all of a sudden.

The other can keep attempting to seduce you, holding the thing right in front of your nose, ready to yank it away when he thinks you want to grab it, but you don’t even bother to look up anymore, it has gotten old. one even lets go of the feel-good visions and dreams one may have cherished throughout the years, and that may have been perfect company on the road, helping one to push on, hang in there, and go beyond. Nothing gets your motor started anymore. You just can’t be bothered taking anything seriously anymore, everything has become a non-issue. One has detached from ‘wants’ or ‘needs’. One feels friendly and simply present in the eternal now, there is no future, only now. Of course one still daydreams and fantasises, but the wanting has ceased. Nothing ‘needs’ to be, none of it carries any importance or urgency anymore, nothing is a must-have or must-do. ‘Whatever’ is good enough, more than. One simply cannot serve 2 masters, either one totally surrenders to Love, or one goes for ego/materialism. (In fact, stuff that is not even really asked for, but simply remarked like:  “those are good” results in them being delivered stat. I noticed that several times when thinking about a certain kind of food or drink). The less important it is to you, the faster it arrives). This is exactly the effect the process wishes to achieve, pushing your buttons for so long until you let go of any and all assumptions, dreams and ideas you might have had. You need to become totally and completely wide open….so anything can come in, and you’ll be receptive to it, even if it’s something you’d never thought for yourself.

I came to the point where I even let go of the lovely vision of my ‘dream-home’ that accompanied me for many years, and that kept me going when times got tough. I was like: “okay, wherever you send me, and whomever with, will be fine by me, I let go of my own preferences, whatever, as long as its fun”. Complete surrender. No more goals, plans or destinations, just total blankness, white-out. I also let go of ‘the twin’…

…In fact, there was a period where I all of a sudden had second guesses, where I never had those before. I asked myself questions like: ”What on earth am I going to do with that man, how in heavens name am I ever going to have a life with him, him being who he is and me being who I am, so very different in soooo many ways?” Why would I want to be with him anyway, why did I ever?”, “How am I supposed to handle a man in my life, with probably all his pre-programmed male expectations, plans and ideas, where I have been single, alone and living very secluded for yeaaaars, decades?” (Michael lived a very traditional, planned-through life style, totally the opposite of my own plan-free formless way of being). It was like getting cold feet right before the wedding, wanting to run away in the opposite direction. I was genuinely unsure if I even wanted any of that, or a life even, any life on planet Earth. I wondered what was so special about a life in a material world anyway. I was so detached from anything material, I could not see any value to any of it anymore, thinking: ”So then what kind of a life would I have then, creating a bunch of meaningless stuff, and being physically flocked and worn out from the process. What’s left for me here anyway? I no longer feel personally connected to anything or anyone, not to the old family in Holland, not to the place I live in, or to any people. I have no real friends, and even Michael feels non-existing, like it was all just a dream. I was like a kite on a fading string, drifting ever higher, away on the wind, hardly feeling any connection to earth anymore.

I pretty much stopped connecting to Michael. I hardly thought about him, did not write him anymore. At times I almost totally ‘forgot’ about him even. He too no longer mattered, and had become as unimportant as everything else. The old Michael, as he was, as I had known him,  in the form and function in which he had appeared to me in the old story/life/encounter, vanished, was gone from my system, wiped away. Creating an open, clean slate for the new one, the Michael he was now,  with a new meaning/function/role. Or frankly: no function at all anymore, but true pure innocent love. Nothing was what/how it used to be. It was indeed a total disconnect from the old blueprint. It left me feeling wide open. All those years Michael had been the only thing keeping me going, he held me down on the earth, while processing and transitioning. He was the anchor or string connecting me to life itself, to the old story still, as I  was neither here, nor there yet. Connecting to him, telling him my whole story, relieved me, gave me peace. Now that I was ready, the time came to completely undock, cross over, and leave it all behind for good. Like riding a bike without help, side wheels or hands for the very first time, letting go of the last bit of  attachment/touch. it was time to float free, no foot left on old soil, not one foot in both worlds, but all clear from touching down anywhere particular or defined at all. Floating free in empty space, a star ship undocked. The bridge simply ended, evaporated, right in the middle of covering an endless space, and I was simply right there…It had always been right there. We were never really going any-where over that bridge, we were always simply journeying to the centre of it, where the whole bridge, alongside all space, time and place simply dissolves, disappears. There is no, and never was, an other side, no destination, not even a bridge or transition. It was always right there/here. Before, I needed this anchor/string in the form of Michael, now I no longer did, as I was (un)done & ready, balanced and centred in the neutral timeless empty mid-point between heaven and earth. There is simply no where (left) to go, there never was. The (old) trail ends, but life continues on, into the wild and unknown. It is all new all right, a whole new land, or even universe to explore. Even menstruating has become a totally new,  pleasurable experience, almost like sex-afterglow, a deep relaxation.

At that time I figured it best for Michael to just remain  where he had been all along, stay in his own world, comfortable and familiar, and just continue on, and live with his life. /he’d do best with a girl his own age and of his own kind. And I would just simply leave the planet and go home, where I belonged at felt at home. I was at the end of everything, and could no longer see the point of continuing this old story, could not be bothered with any of it anymore. It had all lost its significance and meaning, wasn’t important anymore, none of it matter any longer. I knew what he was to me (and I to him) ‘before’ and ‘during’ , but what was he supposed to be/mean to me now? How were we supposed to live in this newness anyway, representing totally opposing worlds/forces, how was that ever supposed to work? Like…when winter rules the northern hemisphere, summer reigns the south (Once again, the mirror: above/below, inner/outer,  heaven/earth, spirit/matter). I just could not see it. Trust was here, as always, just no concept.  This space/ life had simply gotten too small/narrow for me.

I felt no connection to life. What the hell were we all doing here anyway? The (old) purpose was gone, now there was ‘life’ ’without purpose, nothing left to get fired up over, no real reason left to continue on for.  The old life had already ended, and I couldn’t see the point in a new one, nor did it reveal itself to me. (‘Meaning’ and ‘purpose’ are part of the old illusion or BS). I was all the same to me now. I had drifted so far off, away from the (old) world, into the non-material. The focus all those years had been all about breaking free from enslavement to the material illusion after all.  Maybe I had also simply been longing for too long…at some point everything gets old. I had trouble seeing the necessity of me being in this world. I failed to see the need for a life, or any existence on earth. I was all of a sudden asking myself if I even wanted any of this ‘life’ thing, or of Michael. And how was I supposed to ever really simply ‘function’ again after all of this anyway, or even be in a relationship? How was this supposed to work? Was there even going to be car driving here in this new land? (I always loved driving)

What is life going to be like here, will there be money earned and spent? I don’t know about money, not doing anything to get it, nor am I feeling inspired to do so. Will there be the fun stuff from the old world, such as shopping for clothes or food and stuff, going to the movies, buying and selling, is there any of that going on here, in this new age? Will there be projects to handle, ideas to set up and work out, things to be put into action? People to be with, places to go? Things to organize, new stuff to learn? Am I going to be guided, taken by the hand, like a blind(folded) person,, never knowing or seeing anything ahead of me, just flowing and letting it all be arranged for me, not arranging anything myself? Nothing here works like it did before, it is new and unknown, totally in the dark. I guess I am simply not supposed to know, and have to just flow along,  I haven’t the foggiest notion, we shall see as we go along.  I needed to do away with each and every plan, vision and/or idea, with everything I thought I knew, because none of that will work here. Things must be left totally open. No future planning, only creating and moving in and from each moment. Every moment requires something else. I maintain my equilibrium in the nothingness. In this new age I don’t know what I need or want, or what is mine to do, where to be, and am not supposed to know either. I simply surrendered to that fact of voidness.  It will all come to me, all in due ‘time’. I no longer cared for or  was bothered/frustrated by the void or desert…as I now was the desert/void. One has also learnt to move/role with the punches…There are no punches really…It was all just a dream.

I had never really asked myself any of those questions before, impregnated and pre-programmed as I was, with the divine plan/task of bringing about the harmony, love and reunion of male and female. This thing was always so very deeply imprinted in me, so prominent in my life; it actually defined my whole life. It was all totally built around and towards that one thing: reunion. That was always the focus, the red line that ran through my life.

My life had never even really been about what I wanted, my preferences, as I was just to burdened with the whole dark cloud ordeal to ask myself those things. My main concern had always been ‘survival’, getting myself through the(se) days.

I couldn’t remember making love, or snuggling up to a man and cuddle, hold hands, or having someone to talk to even, to be cherished and loved, have company in the house…or going someplace, together, just for fun, like the movies. I could not even  remember what it was like to be comfortable, especially physically. I slept in a tunnel of pillows because certain parts of my body were so constantly sore and painful that I needed to rest them on a pillow. This bunch of pillows supported me in bed, so I could find some relief, and somewhat of a relatively comfortable position to lie in, even if it often took me 10 to 15 minutes to nest. This leg up, that arm down, head turned that way, etc.

All I ever concerned myself with was how to get through and past this thing quickest way possible, very sure of Michael and I, of our perfect match, simply just getting ‘there’ as fast as I knew how, going after the proverbial carrot. I never questioned the path I was sent on, as I always felt so clearly what I was supposed to do, what was being ‘asked’ of me. Now all of a sudden I was thinking Michael and I had never been further apart in lifestyle, awareness and worlds as we were now. Before the process we were so much closer together, both of us living in the same world, working and stuff, with pretty much the same or a similar outlook on life… Now my world had turned inside out, I was ages ahead of him, living in another time, another world, a totally different awareness and way of being and living, not even close to the world he knew, even if I kept him informed of everything that was happening with me all those years, and we also share a certain overlap in interests/character. His world was the perfect opposite of mine, the mirror refection. In my world love comes first, stands at the top of the list and is the motivation behind everything, in his world the material takes that first place, and love basically comes after everything else, when every other requirement, rule, expectation and plan has been fulfilled. How was this ever going to work, be compatible and possible? All those years I never even knew what he thought or felt about the stuff I had so diligently written him. I had been through so much, having made a whole journey, where he simply remained where and as he was. How could/would his love ever match mine? And where would be the point in such a relationship or a new life anyway? What was my place to be now, amidst this world? Was there even a place for me? And what was I (still)doing here anyway? What was my function?

I was not who I was before, how I was when he met me. Could it ever be the way it was, as beautiful as it was back then, me now being fat and wrinkled, physically worn out basically, squeezed until the last drop of old life juice had left me. Appearances were not really a concern of mine anymore, not an issue  or insecurity to me…His beauty (or anything/anyone for that matter) can no longer intimidate me, as it is just an outer shell….But I know all to well how the old world deals  with appearances, how they respond, and totally fixated they are on exteriors.  True Love however has nothing to do  with any of that.  Of course I was also aware of the fact that this was exactly as it should be, as our reunion would have the optimum effect the farther apart our worlds/energies were, him completely on the earth, and me totally up in heaven. Our reunion would pull both worlds/energies together, like a zipper. But how was this supposed to work in a practical way, coming form totally opposite world? I guess only god knew…it would be all natural, a perfect fit.

But was I really still interested in any of this? A man in my life, what to do with him, how to be? I had no expectations, but how about him? I am in no way a match for the housewife scenario. In a way, I lost interest. Michael felt far away, unreal and non-existing, a non-issue. I still longed, but more for the feeling of how it was back then, what we had, than for him. I let go of the old image or idea I had of  Michael, and could not reconnect to the new one, as he was not here to show me who he (now) was. I  was all emptied out, even of him.

He reflects me as I feel/am…so, my neutrality is his. Mirrors

The last weeks, after the big flip-over, I/it felt all complete(d), new, crisp and strangely out of place in the old settings. ..I actually felt very similar, almost the same, to when Michael and I were together, very new, pure, clear, innocent, pristine, clean, flawless…loved….And I kind of felt like a little kid on the look out for the ice cream truck in those days…until that too dissipated, until there was no expectation or desire left, no meaning or point. Maybe this sounds funny, but when I thought about dying or being reunited with Michael it both generated the same joyful feeling….as both mean coming home to me. Both felt equally peaceful and good. I was in fact most ready to leave the planet, feeling done. I was ready for home. When thinking about another winter here the way I spent my winters the last 6 years, something in me very calmly and decisively stated “no”…I had no more need for any of that, totally past it. I was resolute. I spent so much time in the void, being void, that I became the void. 6 Years of not doing anything, not going anywhere, not having much of anything but the bare necessities, wile surrendering to the most bizarre and painful, made me bare & receptive.

Was any of it worth it? Nah, I sure didn’t think so. I much rather had had a life without any of the hardships of 43 , almost 44 years, I’d rather spared myself all the trouble, since it was all just a silly game after all, and all it served to do was bring me back to the point of origin, or home. Nothing new was brought about really, it was a totally pointless run-around basically, never really leading to or amounting to anything amazingly new, or meaning anything, not to god, so not to me either. It was just something to do. 

I guess it was simply high time I got/became ‘physical’ again, and put things into being, in a new way. I  was more than done with solely existing in the ethereal, and occupying myself mostly with the spiritual. The little social contacts/life I had, mainly took place on the internet, also a virtual world. I really, quite urgently, needed a new physical/material expression, to get involved in bringing things down into the flesh, in doing earthly things, in creating solid, physical, tangible stuff. Putting things into being. Getting/being physical, without it meaning, or having to mean anything.  Creating is simply trying whatever comes up spontaneously. Random thoughts and actions, without any drive or pre-arranged agenda or goal behind them. Like in ‘Under the Tuscan sky’:  just laying down the tracks, in case the train arrives someday, and if not, it is fine too…At least you got to occupy yourself, and had fun in the process.

But of course we all experience this world and the process in our own unique way. An ’autistic child’ experiences the world differently than a ‘cancer patient’, a ‘ballet dancer’ sees different than a mason, a baker different than a doctor or a president of a country or firm, etc. We all experience the world in our own unique way as intended…and we all interact to facilitate each others’ role. Our ‘circles’ overlap. We are all connected by those overlapping circles as well, they build a chain between all individuals on the earth. Almost like a social network :D (hate those btw , hahaha, I prefer talking to/meeting people  in the flesh, face to face!)

Anyway, Michael (=I/we) grounds us’ in the flesh’/earth in a new way, makes us’ real’ in a new way…the way true to my being. Our circulation, natural flow and one heart restored, seamlessly fused back together, like he never left at all,  had never ever been gone from my side and sight. Bringing  my heaven onto his earth, my wind unto his water. A glorious reunion of Heaven (=me) and Earth (=Michael), wind and water. In fact our reunion, Michaels’ return is a natural ‘side-effect’ of or extension to the completion of the process, and it comes as such as well, all natural, no ‘big bang’ or mind-blowing, of-my-feet-sweeping event. Simply an all natural reunion melting into each other, kind of ‘as expected’ actually.

Each time during ‘the process’ when the God sank deeper into me, penetrated deeper into my being, I would be flooded with images that showed Michael and me having our lovely sex, in our natural divine flow. (accompanied by the breeze that has been whirling around me for the last 6 years, and the roaring/humming pulsating sound/noise in my ears/head, making my skin shiver, and my head vibrate and spin)…And so now, this reunion becomes reality. He (god) now comes into to me in the flesh…finally… One, once again. Everything between us being like it was before; nothing changed… except now nothing holding us back anymore, so even better. He was never even really gone; the separation was, and has always been an illusion. There are now no more barriers between us, nothing holding or driving us apart. It was time to finally step into my own life, after a lifetime of being in everyone else’s life, not living my way, for sake of the process.  Time to be me now, in my life. True to my heart.

Life (and love) is very simple and easy. You just let the winds and waves of the divine currents carry you to where your heart/love yearns/wishes to go. You simply jump in, with both feet, no safety net, no hanging on to anything, no parachute, without prejudice or holding back of any kind, and allow. When opportunities knock, you take them with grace, joy and gratitude, without question/rationalising or reservations. Let yourself float free, on and with the water, and be carried by and sway on the wind. For that, one only needs to let go, and trust the wind and water, and allow for them to take you with…It moves in waves of electricity…Just like the love-making me and my Michael do, all naturally floating and flowing with and to the others ones’ current/rhythm, effortlessly. As I breathe out, he breathes in, and vice versa. We share one heart(beat), one breath, one circulation. Love requires breathing out into the world/creation; otherwise one suffocates (chokes on it). Love beckons, asks, needs to breathe, freely. The surrounding world then receives and breathes it in deeply, automatically, aware of it or not, The change in oxygen-mixture (love) we breathe out into the surrounding world transmutes/ evolves the whole species, all of nature she is surrounded by, and the planet she resides upon. Thus changing the nature of Life itself. It takes some getting used to, adjusting, but in time, they all/the whole world will.

The brief, but o so intense and effective encounter that Michael and I had 6 years ago, was just a little bite, a mere appetiser, of the ginormous banquet that awaits us in our life together. It was just a quick glance in the mirror of pure innocent love, a mere planting of the seed.

A while ago I saw a documentary about LSD. The scientist who discovered LSD came to word, as well as many others who had experience with the drug, either in using, making, administering (for instance in psychiatric hospitals) or researching it. People who had taken LSD described the experience as floating, feeling great warmth, rest, love, peace and oneness with everything. When on LSD they understood and saw everything, and all was beautiful and loving. It was described as a psychedelic experience that went beyond all human limitations, and changed colours, views and feelings. Some people greatly benefited from LSD in treating depression and many other issues, such as dealing with the pain, and fear of death, for individuals who were dying of some dis-ease. One researcher explained it as LSD serving as a kind of telescope. In the same way the Hubble-telescope serves to make hidden parts of the universe visible to the human eye, LSD brings about the necessary chemical reaction that takes down the veil, or borders/limitations hindering our sight. It widens our vision, so that the invisible becomes uncovered, and a complete view is possible. Hidden aspects and dimensions now become known. There were images shown of a brain progressing on LSD, where one could clearly see how the usual active small parts, about one third or less, of the brain, which were represented in active yellow, orange, red and greenish, now slowly changed to blue, after which the whole brain, after an hour or so when the LSD came to full effect, slowly changed to a calm blue. Where before only small portions of the brain were used, now the whole brain participated, functioning as one…No more left or right hemisphere, no separation, but wholeness. Someone described it as being alone in a boat, on the ocean, first the boat vanishes, then the water, and you. One looses ones’ sense of ‘Self’. (That is almost exactly what I experienced when seeing the same one mirror inside everyone. The one being inside me simply pushed aside the/my personality for an instance, gently pushed ‘me’ out of  away, and came forward, to the front/surface, his face right next to mine, to reveal  and show him/myself, in everyone and everything around me.)

Some mushrooms, I believe mostly South-American, as they were used since ancient times by the Mayans and other native tribes to get into contact with the forefathers as they call it, also have similar effects. There are many reports worldwide of plants and such being used in spiritual rituals.

There was also mention of there always being a ‘let down’ after such a wonderful trip on LSD.

Anyway…as I looked at that totally blue brain, and listened to the descriptions people gave of their experience, I realised the whole ascension ordeal carried some similarities. The ‘love waves’ one experiences during the process, are basically nothing more than huge influxes of chemicals and hormones rushing through the body. A chemical (chain) reaction, resulting in all kinds of lovely, wonderful feelings, lifting you up to indescribable heights, altering your breath and vision. These chemicals, over time, change the whole physical build up/structure of the human body. Nerve pathways (age old human responses),  are rerouted. Gazillions of synapses that have been connected for thousands of years, are now releasing their old connections/ positions, and are moving, turning their tiny ‘heads’, stretching out their hands,  making completely different and new connections to nerve endings that were unused before, just hanging there, waiting to someday become activated and embraced (again). Both brain hemispheres are thus reconnected and become one. Like (new) electrical impulses that start sparking again where they had stopped many centuries ago, plugs being plugged back in, the electricity coming back on in a building that had been deserted, gone vacant and dark for ages, suddenly switching on radios and appliances that had long fallen into silence. It is a total reboot or restart of things that had long gone quiet, that were only very faint vague memories and echoes of brilliant times past and future.

After the process, our physical and spiritual condition has altered completely, our whole set up and chemical build. Nothing in us responds to or reminds us of how it was before anymore, like paging through a history book. What happened only a month ago already  seems surreal, like a whole other era already, a whole other story.

When being hit by the same chemicals for longer periods (glands working over time), one adjusts to them, and becomes them. Similar to becoming immune to the effects of antibiotics or poisons/toxins when taking certain amounts of them over a certain longer period of time. At some point, after a while, the body has assimilated and integrated the substances, and they no longer do what they were originally intended to. Our resilience changes, and we no longer respond like we used to. The prolonged exposure to these huge chemical floods/rushes within our bodies changes us for good. We are not who we were before. The ‘veil’ between the brain halves has dissolved, both hemispheres are reconnected and one again, energy flows freely between them, unhindered. Gods’ divine flow of Love is restored. We float and flow on and with the love current, no longer against it. And as within reflects without, the hemispheres of planet earth are restored as well, and reconnected in flow. I guess I now have blue brain :D

The chemicals serve to flush out everything that is not love, within our bodies and within mother earth. As we cleanse, earth cleanses. We are the ones doing it. As the chemicals rush through our bodies, they open new pathways, create new beddings, and expand our consciousness ever further, we zoom out, and finally see. Clear and free, at long last. The repeating cycles take us ever higher/deeper, spiralling ‘upward’. We get bashed, stripped and pounded on by these chemical love waves so many times, so profoundly, and for such a long time, until they have consumed us, and there is nothing you want anymore, no ‘want’ left, the ego/old synapses let go and off, the old is totally out of the way and gone, and Gods’ will and love has full free reign and passage, to totally flood through us, until not even the tiniest bit of old response or impulse is left. One becomes ‘pimped’, fine tuned like a TV or radio, until the channel is all clear, without any static or disturbance. “like a ‘puppet’ on Gods’ string’

My female cycle was also thoroughly utilised as a tool, where the already present hormonal secretion was even increased to support the chemical rebalancing, and aligned with all kinds of celestial events. Everything was perfectly timed, and integrated in the process. My period, the full moon, and the fall equinox all came together, sandwiched in the same September week this year (2013).

The equinox I could actually feel coming, about 3 to 4 weeks before the actual event, signalled by many symptoms. The weeks prior to the equinox there was a constant undertone of depression, heavy energy, exhaustion and tight muscles and breathing (shortness of breath), sometimes suddenly replaced by loose muscles and joints, deep relaxation, and open breathing, pain free and pleasant, with a lightness of body feel and being, clean feeling, mucus release (post nasal drip), diarrhoea, flu like stuff, glowing, sweating and bouts with lots of sneezing, tickly throat, light coughing, heart flutters, sudden bouts of lovely releasing crying for no reason, etc. I was a vortex/mixture of a bit of everything. I showered, bathed, walked/moved and expressed creatively. I utilised all these necessary tools , when in transition one cannot go without, but now only very moderate. I spent most of the days and weeks alone in the house, working on this book, sitting at my laptop, totally focussed, not doing much of anything, not touching ground (I live on the 1st floor) or base with other humans. Only after about 4 weeks, by the end of September,  did I engage in some house cleaning for a day or 2.

The weather outside followed the same pattern, being warm and lovely, sunny, friendly weather one day, to being very chilly, wet, fall like weather the next. The trees started dropping their leaves quite rapidly all of a sudden There were the usual tremors and earth quakes going on worldwide, a couple of volcano outbreaks, some severe flooding, storms, hurricanes, you name it. Quite a few planes fell form the sky and crashed to the ground, buildings, economies and governments collapsed, conflicts arose, and houses and townships were swallowed by suddenly appearing holes in the earth, and so on and so forth. In India and surrounding areas more women, girls and children were brutally raped. Also many reports here in Europe about parents killing their offspring and themselves, often fathers or jealous boyfriends killing their spouses or girlfriends and family, but also some cases of mothers taking the lives of their kids and themselves. Some very nasty, horrible abuse cases surfaced. In short: everything hidden now becomes seen. It is in fact release and healing, but looks very nasty.

I had a short episode when I watched a program on TV, about a boy with the so called ‘butterfly syndrome’, which means the skin is extremely sensitive to touch, basically every smallest touch of the skin turns into an open festering wound. The pain and agony this boy went through every day of his life moved me to tears, it made me so sad, I sobbed. At that moment I found it so cruel. But on a deeper level I knew that this divine soul, and those around him in the form of his parents and siblings, had chosen this particular experience, although from a human standpoint, I could not for the life of me begin to imagine why. All this suffering, and for what? It felt so pointless.

But that’s just how it is, there really is no point, we simply choose to experience something. Not because it is important, holds any value or leads to anything. We simply experience and create, because we can. We all experience this world in our own unique way, from our own unique perspective, and that is how it was intended. We all write our own story. It is not about suffering ones’ way to heaven, or suffering being an accomplishment, a requirement to get to God, or anything holy or sacred which leads to redemption or absolution. The ‘reality’ behind the scenes is much more simple than that…and to the human mind much more complicated at the same time. As for humans, accustomed as they are to placing value and judgement, suffering is also valued. In the old days suffering and overcoming hardship was assumed a requirement to become worthy of gods’ love. But from gods’ perspective, suffering carries no more meaning or significance than not-suffering. In gods’ eyes it’s all one and the same, equal, a free choice of experience. Those who suffer have no bigger ticket to gods’ love than those who don’t. Everything is always connected, hanging together, balanced by invisible threads. For many humans n the old world ‘suffering’ is the (best/only) way they come to deepening, insight, self-love and valuing the world surrounding them…it helps them see and appreciate

God has infused himself in so many different games/experiences, endless scenarios and plays, countless aspects and perspectives, yet at the centre or core always remains the same One mirror.  Every (human) being carries the same one mirror-essence within, no matter what the outer physical illusion looks like. And whether one manipulates/forms/influences physical reality mechanically (like for instance through an operation or such) or magically (by the power of mind), or both… it is all divine …so both are fine. (I was always more a magical thinker myself)

Although I do not, and never did, enjoy watching others suffer and agonize in any way, I respect it as their own free (divine) decision, the mirror they hold up for each other to look into, the game they play, the experience they provide each other/the one god with…Yet I will not watch nor dwell on it, and zap away if given the opportunity. I feel no desire whatsoever to even watch my parents grow old, brittle, and sick,  wither away and die of decay. I just don’t see the point, and it is not my world or way. It is too harsh and basically unnecessary, I cannot relate to it, it holds no value whatsoever. It may have in the old days, where the last season of life was/is something to be revered and honoured, and a natural progress and stage of life, as life was a strenuous event back then, but now…this no longer is the case. Everything’s now different, and there is simply no comparison to anything that was before. We now choose when and how we leave the planet.

Just like glass can crack when exposed to a certain high pitched tone, so the raise in tone for the whole planet often results in people literally freaking/flipping out completely. The high vibe is simply too much for them to handle, so they serve as vessels or tools that release these old violent patterns physically. Much brutally surfaces in these days, now that the new high tone is established on the planet. This will continue on for quite a few years still. Then it will slowly simmer down. The violence in weather and human behaviour simply naturally follows the raise in human consciousness. As we expand our vision, so old patterns becomes visible and become obsolete. Every decade and era has its own unique sound or tune, the music and dance changes with time. ..some oldies remain pleasant to the ear and body throughout all eternity. Old limiting boxes simply cannot fit around a new and bigger body, so the new body breaks free, with force. Humans living in very old patterns and belief structures desperately still attempt to project there limited views onto others, trying to capture them within their narrow beam and holding them their, wanting things to stay held down, controllable, graspable and the same, attempting to wrap their old nets around a new way that cannot be caught, nailed down or grasped, as the change is useable to the eye, yet very real and here, it cannot be rationalised, pinned down, and held back or suppressed. Nothing to fear. The old frames are simply to narrow to fit the new picture…So the frame is being forced to alter and expand.

The 2 days prior to the (September) equinox I simply felt crushed, as if some big truck had run me over. My body basically hurt all over, I had headaches, was dizzy, the humming in my head became a loud roaring which vibrated my skull, I was cold, then hot, a new high pitch tone entered the scene, alongside all the other tones peeping and buzzing in my head, I was very tired, my body felt heavy, and my mind was very fuzzy, I was hardly here/present.  I was extremely clumsy, tripping and dropping, felt dizzy, nauseous, spelling words and sentences was near to impossible, as was doing anything really. I had great difficulty grabbing and holding on to stuff. It’s very hard to be cohesive and do things in a certain order or routine, when one is in fact scattered all over the place. The simplest every day ordinary tasks become a challenge. I also had (blather) cramps, my skull bones ached, and my eye sockets, as well as other parts of my body were hit by intense shooting pains. It was all physical squeezing, hardly emotional or anything else.  I had many wild dreams, one tumbling over the other, it was a mess. When waking up I felt as if someone had been screaming in my ear all night long, not really rested. Lots of processing during my sleep. I went to bed at about 4 or even 5 a.m., and got up between 1 and 3 p.m. I was now no longer transmuting, releasing and clearing energies, no longer breaking new ground, blazing the trail for everyone else, that old role was over. I was now merely the pillar serving to stabilize the new world, the rock or foundation the new  world was being built upon, as I had arrived, I was right there.

In the weeks following the equinox, up to the lunar eclipse, I still had all the same symptoms, accompanied with the sensation of a wide band being pulled tight in the area right below my breasts/shoulder blades down to right beneath my tail bone/hips. An arrow pierced straight through my chest, entering at the front between my boobs, exiting at the back between my shoulder blades. Everything between breasts and tail bone, back and front ached, my chest felt imploded. A soreness that felt as if it was all severely bruised and crushed. Man, that hurt! Some pain killers, and rubbing myself in with thick layers of tiger balm and/or eucalyptus and camphor oil helped. I was also tired, felt heavy, with shortness of breath, mucus release in my throat, feeling as if having a cold, glowing  with ‘fever’, acid burn, my insides hurt. I had some serious diarrhoea, burning sensations in parts of my skin, and I was so hungry all the time, it actually hurt! Basically the whole lot. I already had a thingy for many months, where a spot beneath my right shoulder blade felt as if a muscle was torn, very painful. The solar plexus area back to front was basically one severely sore mush mess. There were overall strange feelings I never experienced before, it was rather surreal. At some point I was actually quite sick, on the verge of fainting and totally collapsing…My hands, through the years, sometimes naturally sought their own ‘mudra’ position, as that simply felt pleasant in that moment. Don’t know hat that does, but it felt good.

Yet, at the same time, as my body was in that dire state, I was mentally and spiritually feeling new, and just fine. The inner feeling of newness, well being and neutrality or detachment remained. It was a strange blend, my spirit was okay and experiencing peace, my physical state differed and sucked. The physical ordeal was therefore very tolerable, I could simply not get upset or frustrated over anything. Somehow throughout the years of processing I was never worried, but trusted my body to simply be able to cope with all of it. Never did I doubt, or think I had a real physical problem. (the physical/material is nothing but an illusion after all). Where years ago, in the middle of the process, I would have been one pile of misery and depression wile releasing all the old crap, I now had nothing left to let go of, being totally passed and beyond it all. There was no emotional release, no depressions or feelings of misery and despair. When relieving tears were cried, I did so without there being any emotional load behind it, or any personal involvement. I was no longer attached to any of it, nor was I inside of it anymore… I was on the outside, standing by the sidelines looking in, from a safe impersonal distance. It was all just physical squeezing. Up and down  we went, in and out tossed side to side, and back to forth…and nothing could break my calm or sense of well being. I no longer needed much of the old tools that got me through the process, as my (mental) well being was now a natural state of being, that pretty much remained throughout all of it. without any effort or measures needing to be taken, I was fine with everything, as it was.  Yet a nice shower or short stroll, wile swinging your arms, and/or performing some ‘torsions’ (yoga like)can still work wonders, as one has gotten so used to (physical) discomfort, one hardly notices it anymore… until one goes for a walk or/and takes a shower, and all of a sudden senses relief of some sort afterwards. Then suddenly one realises one had in fact been under a certain strain or duress.

All this occurred in a period of ‘desert’. After the last and final big break through I made last July,  with all the love integrated in the weeks thereafter, it was only natural and to be expected it would be followed by a period of ‘void’ and waiting (also to give everyone coming up behind a change to catch up, and move into occupying the space I was previously in, taking over my role/function there. When one moves on to a new space, everyone must move up a notch, so the previous space is still being held). Nothing moved, everything was dead in the water, all dried up,  it was a no mans’ land, empty and bare. Things recalibrated & rebooted at all levels, higher and lower, as things were being set up anew, before the flow could begin again, with vigour. But then, I had become used to dying and being dead. One does get used to being uncomfortable and in pain. I was very used to not finding any comfortable position in bed, either my neck hurt, or my back and/or head, an arm, hip or leg. I slept in a pile or tunnel of pillows, one arm up that pillow, the other down, one leg bent over a pillow, the other stretched below the pillow, a pillow between my legs, otherwise my hips and tail bone would hurt. A pillow between my arms/boobs, otherwise my shoulders would complain. My head supported there, but not there. A pillow behind my back so I could lean into it, instead of having to support my body all by myself, which was just too heavy to handle. My belly was quite huge, the belly of a pregnant lady in her last semester, so that needed to be supported as well. I also often lay on the couch in front of the TV or slept with a warm water bag, or 2 behind my back, like a newborn baby, it helped my muscles to relax, and eased the pain. My body was having to deliver some hard effort to work her way up to the space my spirit already resided in. spirit always races ahead, the material/physical snails behind. Without the extra physical weight anchoring me on the earth, I would have long evaporated and floated off to lighter, less physical realms of being. The fat also buffered everything, from outside old energies to the new stuff entering via my belly button, or solar plexus/navel. It kept me from getting totally electrocuted and scorched. It is most understandable the process takes such a long ‘time’, it is no sinecure doing away with piles of millennia old energies, replacing them by heaps of new energies. The body goes through a very rough patch, as does the planet earth.

The desert can be a place where one feels like moving through quicksand, and where one can sink and go under with frustration, if one is not careful/aware. None of this was any problem though, because I used that time to assemble this book, as a nice distraction. Basically, I paid no attention to what was going on in the background, and focused my mind on other things. I was simply done with all that, and I didn’t find it worth the bother anymore, having experienced it all so many times before already. Where in the midst of the process these whirls could suck me in, now they were just vague echoes, unimportant, not worth going there or acknowledging them even, it was simply no longer my place to be or do. I had removed/distanced myself from all of it, I was now out of the game. There was no reason or point getting upset, used to living with it as I was.  Days and weeks just passed me by, unnoticed, all in a blur. Sometimes there were tears, from deep within, yet without any emotion behind them. What went on in the whole ascension scene had become a vague echo….On some level I still sensed what was going on in the world/dimension of ascension/ transition, but I was no longer part of it, not undergoing any of it anymore, not partaking any longer, not an active participant, as I had moved beyond, having nothing left to release or let go of, nor anything more to ad to that story. Totally detached, removed and distanced  from it all.

I could no longer be impressed by any of it, there was no impulse or spark left to ignite that engine. That battery had gone dead for good. I am simply no longer participating, or feeling the need or desire to participate, in any story I did not choose. When (government) envelopes arrive there is no reason to open them and participate in that story. I am not even in the least bit curious to what they have to say.  I choose for myself what the outcome to that message will be, even without reading or acknowledging any of it. I simply stopped playing that/their game. It is of no interest to me. TV could no longer hold my attention, there were mostly just reruns of reruns of reruns on anyway, and as the days glided by  practically unnoticed, I realised I had not been thinking about Michael that much anymore, and not been writing to him at all. That simply ceased, all naturally…Same way I was no longer thinking about any succulent juicy new life to begin, I was here and now, and it was fine. I was no longer striving for anything, and fine with everything, even the pain and discomfort. At night, during my sleep, I bit my teeth together, biting down really hard. Crunch time. Everything ached, inside and out, my stomach hurt, my liver, kidneys, intestines, lungs and heart. I took some painkillers from time to time,, and as we all know by now:  food, drinks, crèmes, water, pills, basically everything physical, is merely a programmed medium or vessel that reflects, carries and transfers our intent, so I used those to ease my load a bit. It was no big deal…Well, actually, it was, on some level, to my body….just not to me. (I couldn’t really relate to that face staring back at me in the mirror anymore either…So my body, material surroundings/reality, and the physical discomfort I also no longer identified with…no drama). None of these physical symptoms happen because of something we did, or did not do, like eat the ‘wrong’ food or anything like that. They are not our ‘fault’, but simply natural side effects of shifting consciousness. “ God, help me carry this.” I simply asked.

Right now I have to pay my landlords almost 400 Euros extra over the last year, for power and heating, (oil) prices have gone up. When receiving that overview and end-calculation over the last year (the way we do every year), I didn’t feel anything, no emotion, worry or response whatsoever, still don’t. God will solve it, and bring the solution, all in the perfect good time. I have no (fear) impulses left. And one thing one can always be certain of: whatever it is, it always passes, nothing lasts. Recently I watched a great movie called “The best exotic Marigold Hotel”, where one young man says: “Things are always okay in the end, so if it is not okay, than it is not yet the end.”

I in fact felt very okay with anything, yet also very done. Totally, utterly and completely done, and beyond bored with pretty much everything. Nothing had anything to do with me anymore. I felt very removed from everything, from my old biological family in Holland, and even from Michael, who wasn’t physically here after all, and hadn’t been for years. I had no clue who he now was, or  who my old family was anymore, On some level I was aware that I knew them, my mind knew there was shared history with these people, but at the same time they felt totally strange. I had no clue who these people now were or what they were supposed to mean to me. They were now basically obsolete and irrelevant to my story, and no longer aware of/knew who I was or what world I lived in, nor did their world inhabit me any longer. We lived in different dimensions now. In me they saw the shell of a person I no longer was. Yet looking at the exterior, they assumed they knew who they had before them., who inhabited this body they saw, what world lied behind that face and those eyes, their blood. To them, I was the same individual, with the same role to play in their lives. To me, they had turned to remnants/props from another life, happened so long ago. I could barely recall.

(Reminds me of this movie about some group of superheroes, one of them was exposed to some kind of nuclear procedure, and turned into an ego-less blue being, one with all of creation, unattached or stuck to any (human) form or perspective – I can’t remember the title of this film- He knew exactly how people thought, and what they expected, how they saw life and how they ticked, having been one of them once, yet could no longer participate in it, as he now knew and saw much more than they could….Sometimes he simply played the part/role, and gave them the response he knew they expected or understood, just to make the connection  with them. He was all respect, neutral love and detachment, they were all ego, drama and attachment. 2 totally differing ways of being).

I had no impulses left whatsoever, not even in familiar feeling towards people I had known all of my life. There was love there, but then there is love in me for all people, even total ‘strangers’. The feelings I have towards strangers are no different than the feelings I have towards people I have known a long time. Nor is there any difference in the feelings I have for family and people who are not family. It has all become the same one thing. I had no real interest in life anymore either, there was nothing left to figure out or solve, there was nothing of interest left for me here on this planet and in this life. I felt like letting it all go, even life itself, not out of sadness, depression or despair, but simply because it was the end, I was done. I felt no need or desire to go any further, to take this thing any farther than where I now was. I did not feel any desire for food, although I ate when my stomach told me she was hungry, and I felt no interest in the material world, or a life in it. Where would be the point of involving myself with all this material stuff anyway? I felt no need for it, none of it mattered anymore. When I woke up in the ‘morning’ there was usually a sense of wonder that I was still on the planet, “Jeez, am I still here?…Bummer…”. There was a feeling of having done it all, seen it all, understanding it all, life had gotten uninteresting.  What more could there be now anyway? Did any of it even really ever happen? I felt like I  was already gone from this place, had already left these people and surroundings, even though my body was obviously still here. There had been no life prior, and no life after, there had only ever been this, forever, nothing else ever existed. I felt no connection to, or involvement with my prior life, nor to my present material ‘reality’. I no longer had any clue about how one ‘does’ life in this new land, I had no more concept of life, or how to live it. There was no desire to participate in life, the longing for life and Michael had vanished, it was all gone. There was no  before or after, no up or down, no meaning or significance to anything. Nothing beckoned me to go out into the world no more, or partake in the old ways, nor walk amongst them. There was a sense of bewilderment, wonder and estrangement. It was not scary or uncomfortable. I had already gotten used to nothingness in a way, being void. The undefined does not cause me fear, as I myself am void. . Creating is simply trying  whatever comes up spontaneously, random thoughts, without any pre-arranged agenda or goal behind them. Like in ‘Under the Tuscan sky’: just laying down the tracks, in case the train arrives someday, and if not, it is fine too. I don’t have to make the most of each day any more, no matter the weather. Some days I do absolutely no-thing, and it is enough.

 My big sister, whom I hadn’t’ been in touch with for years, and who was here in 2007 when I met Michael, and the whole thing took off for me,  all of a sudden got back into contact with me, quite unexpectedly. We e-mailed for a bit, talked about our lives, and it was fine, but I no longer felt towards her the way I had before, when she was simply my biological sister, and we shared a world. She was far away now, I felt distant, and although I sensed great deep love, I also sensed my removal. My responses no longer were what they had been, and I talked about stuff, and in a way that was strange to her. The new had become my normal, my way of life, and until then, I hadn’t truly realised how full I was with it, how totally overflowing with love I had become, in every aspect of my life was drenched in it, and how every word and action of mine was saturated with this new way. How I spoke and lived was very normal to me, yet to her it was all just strange, surreal, Japanese, and she could not relate to it. And although I enjoy all kinds of brief interactions with people I meet everywhere, without feeling the need to speak about myself and my ways, in my personal life, with those close to me -who I basically did not have- , I feel the need to truly express myself as I am, and be received as such.

Some weeks ago I watched a movie called ‘Under the Tuscan sky’, where a woman, after a rough and sudden divorce goes on holiday to Tuscany, and then decides to stay there, buying herself an old Italian villa. At some point she meets a lovely young Italian guy. They really hit it off,  and share one very passionate night, yet for some reason the relationship just can’t seem to take off. Each time she wants to go see him, or he comes to see her, something comes up that stops them form reconnecting. So the guy lets it go, and ends up with somebody else, which greatly disappoints her. He tells her how these things just need to happen naturally, and when things keep popping up to keep them apart, then them being together it is simply not the way to go, a signal from the universe to give it up and let it go. That certain experiences serve to help us move on, and one should never regret those. Then, to comfort her, being the great sweet guy that he is, he takes her face between his hands, looks her in the eye, tells her not to worry, and says: “There is someone there for you…” …Than I just broke into tears, sobbing all over the place. I guess that little sentence struck a nerve in my soul, a heartstring was severely pulled….Lord only knows how deeply I have been longing for someone to truly be able to see, hear and receive me, love and appreciate me as I truly am. In this world of ego one so seldom meets people that are completely open and receiving, who one can truly connect to, heart to heart. It is very rare…in fact....I have not experienced it yet. I have missed having someone around that truly listens, looks, sees and hears, on the deepest levels, without an evaluating, judging ego standing in the way. One that appreciates my total openness, and shares of himself in the same way. Michael sure needed to make a quantum leap to get to me now. I looked into the void so long, I had actually become her.

This particular void or desert was also accompanied with a review of all I had been through during the process (not of the life I had before the process began, that review had already taken place last year or so). Many guiding, telling dreams I had over the years, as well as certain events (now turned meaningless) revisited, just popping up in my minds’ eye.

I remembered this dream, where I was in a kind of house, yet it was also a prison, and I was in the kitchen doing stuff, cleaning, cooking and such. Then this big guy, looking like a cross over between ZZ-Top and Santa Clause showed up, wanting to have sex with me, he was the prison ward. Then he takes out his erected ‘thing’ and it was ginormous! He pulled a 120 l. garbage bag over it by means of condom. So I  said “Nuhuh, no way is that ever gonna work, I can’t ta-ke all of  that!’ but I could take it, all of it, and then some. Some people explained this dream as me feeling fucked over by the ‘universe’ (obviously the perspective/place they themselves were at), but I simply always saw it quite literally: I thought I could not take this whole ordeal or process, it was simply too much….But it turned out I could actually take it, that I was extraordinarily strong and resilient in every way, and could in fact take it all, and more. After all…this big guy entering or penetrating me, was no other than me, the God inside, that knew very well I could handle all of it, and even move beyond. I also remembered a dream about a pretty, colourful village, with water for streets, where a family fed me through their window, and I was alone in a house. Suddenly it started raining huge rocks, and 3 angels, that kind of looked like smoke forms or clouds, appeared, and I cried with gratitude and screamed ‘I knew you’d co-me!” I think this dream speaks for itself. I remembered being visited by a very urging pressing, quite eerie presence on several occasions. And the ‘darkness’ or ‘evil’ visiting me in the form of a very creepy old man, straight from a horror movie. First time he totally creeped me out, second time I wasn’t impressed so much anymore, 3rd time I kicked him out, for good. Those early days of processing were accompanied by blowing every light bulb in the house, some even more than once or twice, and the lights in the house switching themselves on and off all by themselves. I had several dreams of reconstructing and remodelling houses, electric cables and water pipes being rewired. One dream about being on a boat with my dad, sailing amidst some very beautiful paradise like pacific islands. One dream was very magical, where I was visiting some palace surrounded by mountains, from which 3 or more waterfalls came down, all around the palace. I was outside, in the cobble stone streets and places. Then we went down some beautiful wide stone stairs, I was in a crowd of people, and those stairs actually went un-der the water, which was more like a grey mist or nebula. (Water symbolises the spiritual btw.) Those dreams were guidance to me, and I remember them quite vividly to this day, even though they came to me many years ago already.

I also recalled being banned and removed from a certain forum, people falling all over me, feeling insulted by things I spoke of, taking it all very personal. It was the tower of Babel, where no one could hear or understand what I was truly saying, coming from another world and speaking a different language. They were still ruled by ego and filtered, judged and weighed each and every word, and I was ego-less speaking from the heart, free, clear and pure, from beyond. They had no real clue (of the love) what I was talking about. The builders of the tower of Babel, the ego, wanted to not only be closer to the sky/God, and observe the stars (The Babylonians were in fact the ones who ‘caught’ time, ordered and named the 12 signs of the zodiac, the 12 planets in our solar system etc. they divided everything up in 12 - unknowing of the 13th planet hiding behind our sun- They were also the ego chasing after having the ‘biggest, best, highest, prettiest’ etc. After my banning, the owner of the forum started a topic about me, which I did not read, but heard about from people who wrote me by e-mail, that was called ‘the chronicles of Ilse’ (I guess I had a huge impact there, for them to spend so much energy on me). This title I actually liked, and used for my website, and this book. After all, these are all my experiences and insights, and one can only ever speak for oneself, as all experiences are unique to the individual experiencing them. I never considered myself as more important than others, although that is what they heard, from their perspective, but I do know that my task was simply bigger, not more important, just bigger, that’s all. People place value and judgment on everything, and hear judgment, value placed and criticism everywhere all the time, because that is who they are. They take everything personal, and than attempt to project this personal emotion or experience onto the other, who in turn takes it personal and mirror the reaction back at the one that sent it in the first place. Those who do not feel secure and good with and about themselves, won’t allow for others to feel good either, they wish to see their own pain and discomfort reflected, so that their world makes sense to them, and they feel familiar and ‘in charge’.

That is exactly why I had to be removed from communities like that, as I needed to go at it alone, push on, and break new ground, not hang around and stay stuck someplace.

By solely following other peoples’ ideas, and trying to fit their mould, one never gets to hear, lis-ten to and follow ones’ own inner voice and guidance, which we all have. We should all follow our own yellow brick road. The more one zooms out, the more one sees and becomes known and possible. A small zoom cannot be projected onto a newer, larger zoom, as the second one will simply not fit within the first ones’ narrow margins. I never judge, but just make neutral observations, without there being any personal opinion or attachment behind it. (even if people may hear judgment, that is just simply theirs, not mine). I am no longer susceptible to the old ways and responses. Humans can hardly understand this way of being, as they do not know it, nor have they experienced anything like it. So, one forgives their ignorance. How is one supposed to explain/describe what sugar tastes like, to one has never had it in ones’ mouth before?

None of these old events or memories mean anything to my anymore, when recalling them, I feel absolutely no-thing, no emotion of any kind. They simply came up for a short review, looking back, to then be closed off and away for good. Like that tiger in ‘The life of Pi’, disappearing into the jungle forever. I felt I never got a chance to live …my real true life still had yet to begin. I felt, that as the summer slowed down, working her  way to a definite close, and na-ture was slowly fall-ing asleep, to hibernate through winter, so too my current (material) reality was being put to rest, dying away to me, to soon end for good. A seasons’ change.

I am now zoomed out to the max, to the extent where everyone and everything fits into my view/ lens. Panorama-view. All ways of being are embraced. (To think that until 9 years ago, I never even so much as touched a computer, feeling apprehensive about technology, as it felt rather unnatural and weird to me, to now having lived my life/story mostly online, in the virtual world of the internet over the last 6 years. There was simply no physical life to tend to, it all took place in the ethereal realms. I was always more a magical thinker and dreamer, technology felt rather…well…harsh and ‘square’, or boxed, where dreams and magic are free and limit-less. Now both world are integrated into my way of being, as one).  No one needs to live up to my expectations, as I have none. Nor do I have to live up to other peoples’ expectations any longer, which is sheer bliss. No longer having to hit the mark, fit the bill, meet anyone’s’ needs or requirements, squeeze into any tight straight jackets, be perfect, answer to standards, or colour between the lines. I finally became myself again, pure, without all the garbage, as I remembered me from being a small child, when I entered this world naively, unaware of its weirdness and harsh ways. Love does not fit within any margins, as it knows none. Love does not stick to or fit within any rules, concepts or definitions designed by the head, as love springs from the heart, and cannot be caught or defined. Love is indifferent to such things, she frolics around, free and open, does not allow herself be captured or pinned down. She will pop up where least expected, even when one thinks there is no room for her there.

It all feels like it happened in another life, or to someone else, not me.

The portals or canals one must pass through to reach the other side, become ever narrower, one is forced to drop ever more ballast, and become ever more streamlined and lighter, so one can move easily, quickly and effortlessly with gods’ dance. One of the reasons I had to move to the alps/mountains to start this process, is that when living on elevation, one is farther removed from the earth core, from the spinning centre which generates gravity. Thus, with less gravity, one is lighter, less earth bound so to speak, it becomes easier to connect higher, to an in between state, between heaven and earth. In the Netherlands where I was born, grew up, and lived most of my previous life, I was pretty much on the lowest point, way below sea level, and closest to the earth core. I needed to go from the lowest level, the deepest abyss of human emotion, to the highest, both physically and emotionally. Not to mention mountains breathe, like trees, a kind of photosynthesis, during the day they breathe in cosmic information, and during the night they breath it out, into the earths’ energy lines and water flows. The divine rhythm sounds in every heartbeat, of every stone, water drop and being in this universe, steered by nothing else but our own vibration and consciousness. Like the crop circles show(ed): we/life/creation waxes and wanes, breathes, pulsates, blows up and deflates again, comes into being and dissolves, connections are made and undone again, all following the divine rhythm, flowing in ebb and flood, birth and death, contractions and expansions. Beautiful and horrible at the same time. The chemical rushes greatly resemble flu, and menopause, hot flashes and everything, for both sexes. ( I don’t have to bother with menopause again, having had 6 years of it already).

In the new era, what is now 50 years life span, will equal approx. 500 years. As ‘time’ slows down, life extends. Seeing inter-dimensional ‘beings’ also becomes normal. Flares of other worlds float by almost constantly. There is always all kinds of ‘stuff’ flying around me, lights, smells, shadows, sparkles and many other ‘things’. Feeling essences from another world stroke your skin and hair, brush against you, or simply sparkle, dance and jump around you is more rule than exception, and heightened senses are also a natural ‘side effect’ of integrating the higher realms. Colours are more brilliant and bright, vision, hearing, taste and smell become much sharper. Sexual orgasms reach much higher and deeper, become much more intense, and full body. As one merges ever deeper with the god/divine (or higher self), these are all regular occurrences. It is the new normal. Recently I looked after my upstairs neighbours’ flowers while she was away on holiday, and wasn’t even in the least bit surprised when one day, as I opened the door, all of a sudden the TV switched itself on and started to happily, and very loudly zap through all the channels all by itself. It didn’t freak me out or anything, one gets used to lights and appliances switching themselves on and off without you so much as even laying a hand on them…It’s all in the game. When you take your new vibration into a room, anything can happen. Everything responds, and eventually adjusts to your vibe.

In the wake of this big shift, the planet will be flooded by many developments, new technolo-gies, discoveries and inventions in the field of medicine, science etc., in all areas of human life. The doors have now been opened, and everything and everyone will be affected. Everything has been knocked out of its old groove, and there is no going back. Researchers now admit that their brightest, best ideas and clearest insights come to them when doing absolutely no-thing, being still (the way the zero holds everything, every potential, and adds value to any number). And those researching agriculture have discovered multi cultures result in stronger, healthier plants that don’t need pesticides and such, as the variety of plants in the field naturally takes care of bugs and other invading energies. Some plants serve as deflectors for others, attracting the bugs which would otherwise, if they weren’t there, damage the monoculture (the way planet Jupiter catches potentially damaging meteors by attracting/catching them in its’ huge ginormous gravity field). It only takes a little rewiring, rethinking and some small adjustments in agricultural processes. Just like humans, plants need variety. Uniforms are silly, stupid and damaging, being open to all kinds and their unique traits is key. Animals do better when not forced together in great numbers (just like humans need space and silence form time to time), and trees and plants actually happily sing along when one sings or plays music around them. Basically, humanity hasn’t even scratched the surface yet…there are many new ways to learn and un- or discover. Zooming out and embracing or integrating the versatility in all, instead of just focus-sing on one aspect or way of being will become the main theme.  Life and creation comes and goes with the tides, eras pass by. Don’t ask yourself where your path is, wherever your are now, there lies your path.

Looking into the void = looking into yourself, coming face to face with your own core being/essence. For many humans in ‘the process’ it is boot camp. The stillness that surrounds you, the emptiness you are in, where you are forced to look at/face your own demons, in order to rise above and beyond them. Where you are being emptied out, dropping every illusion of who you are not, alone, morphing, rewiring/ recreating/ reconstructing yourself, and nothing moves or manifests, except for those things that support you in learning to see with new eyes, and learning to hear with new ears. Dropping off/doing away with all the illusions, all that is not truly you. Until finally you reach the neutral centre-point/point-zero, and recognise your true Self, your core innocent essence. Until you yourself have become/are the reflection of the void/love. And by this, you facilitate change in everyone that, in turn, looks into (the mirror of) you. This is how God brings about change on the Earth, by changing the mirror-reflections, thus offering itself a new image/theme to look into. The same way any cunningly placed chain of ordinary mirrors reflects light to illuminate the inside of a building or basement, or to simply transfer an image from mirror to mirror, even over great distance...Some simply had to go first, cut free a trail, create a path, pave the way, and change themselves (some also transmuted the old energy stored in the earth, filtering it, making it all new), in order to become the mirror the world/game needed. From there, the rest flows/transfers all by itself, a natural process. Change yourself, the image/reflection you send/breathe out, and you change the world.

This void is created by no one other than you. The God inside you thus forces itself to step back, detach itself from the physical, and look into all the surrounding (self-created) mirrors. The mirror of silence and void that brings about the anxiety that needs to be released, the mirrors of situations (like for instance illness/dis-ease, both your own as those of others), and people that carry a message to you, showing you who you are being, thus asking/urging /offering you to decide for yourself what does and does not fit you, who you are and who you are not.  It all begs/forces you to go/move beyond and choose, to be God/void/love, and decide your own reality. Without rejecting any of the mirrors that you held up for yourself in the process, in the form of people (=you) and circumstances (=you), as they are all you, and merely serve you.  It all serves you. It was and is always you.

It’s like going through a picture book, looking at/into all the pictures, and deciding which one(s) is(are) you, which ones reflect best what you feel inside (for that moment)…Some need to look very long at certain pictures, and need to play a certain role very extensively, before deciding they are done with it and moving on, turning a new page. (‘mother’, ‘bully’, ‘sister’, ‘lover’, ‘son’, ‘victim’,’ abuser’, ‘caretaker’, ‘musician’, ‘politician’, ‘(cancer-)patient’, ‘fat person’, ‘ugly duckling’, ‘nurse’, etc…All roles facilitating each other, as mirrors). As I mentioned before, it is all just a very cunning game of dress up. In the old world this was all taking place under the veil, without awareness of own creative divinity. In the new world this takes place in full awareness of ones’ divine creativity and influence. So…be aware, and take your power back...It takes great awareness, detachment and observation. A constant conscious awareness and decision not to let yourself get dragged into all those thoughtless, automatic responses/ reactions the old world is so very accustomed to, as they are used to simply blindly projecting back everything they see and feel around them, allowing everything they are confronted with to program and decide their responses for them, like a projection screen without a will/choice of its own. (Everything that matches/reflects each other is always brought together, as one functioning whole, be it pleasant or unpleasant. It is which ever you choose it to be). One does not need to take on the pain and discomfort the world around you attempts/wishes to invoke in/bestow upon you. People (can) program themselves to be ‘in love’ for various reasons, either because that particular person fits their standards (= head-stuff), or excites/arouses them in a way, or whatever. The vibes match, like someone with low self-esteem, coming from a violent, abusive background, by a father or the likes, willl often attract a relationship with an abuser, that treats her/him like dirt. As she/he sees her/himself, so he/she will be treated. These in-programmed infatuations/relationships generally will not last, and have nothing to do with the real thing: true, unbiased, purely innocent love. True love does not hold to any standard or program, and basically breaks all the rules/limitations humans placed upon her. I guess humans were simply scared of this invisible ungraspable thing called love, and all the incontrollable emotions, physical and otherwise,  that accompany her.

Humans reflect/mirror each other, the earth takes in human consciousness, and in turn projects/breathes it out into the universe, where the hall/chain of mirrors thus continues, and a transfer takes place, mirroring/breathing in and out the energy-imprint from world to world. Each world using/adjusting it to perfectly fit its own unique requirements.

All the beauty, abundance and love I carry within, I see now coming back to me, reflected back at me via the world/reality surrounding me; by Michael, peoples’ donations, support, gifts and the kind words of gratitude coming my way....In order to receive such gifts (our own love & abundance mirrored back at us), one must first learn to open up, and receive, to see and hear divinity. God= the void. That’s why Gods’ voice can only be heard in the stillness, the empti-ness, the silence. One can only truly come to the God within through the desert, the absence of all things and activities, the undefined, ’deprivation’ if one wishes to call it that. In the void one is still, unhindered, becomes uncluttered, and discovers the true nature of being and creation, from peace and quiet.

It all truly is one big hall of mirrors: The moon reflects the sunlight. The left side of the earth reflects the right side, the downside the upside (polar opposite reflections). Water reflects the sky: the canyons, plant life and fish beneath the water mirror the mountains, plant life and birds above water. The upper part of the body mirrors the lower part of the body: brains reflect bowels (both digesting input/information/food). Kidneys reflect lungs, both being filtering installations: one of air, the other of water (water and air being the representatives of spirit, ensuring and transporting/conduit mediums for life, carrying life, creation and information). G-spot and prostate reflect the pineal gland. Clitoris and top of the penis reflect the pituitary gland. Vagina, anus and penis reflect the throat.  Vagina and throat are both entrance and exit.  The heart reflects the navel and solar plexus area, which is a sun, star, nucleus, circulation network, hub or grid, where many ‘channels’ meet up and exchange or feed information. Like a electrical wiring installation, the cables all coming together in one box, where stuff flows in and out, while being regulated. The diaphragm/solar plexus area being the ‘place’ where heaven (inner) and earth (outer) meet, separated by a thin, but tough membrane, yet interconnected through many ‘channels’, being veins and other  such ‘pipes’. Arms mirror legs. The senses in the face (eyes, nose, ears, and taste) reflect the sensibility in the genitals/sex-organs. Up= the mouth where food goes in (intake), down= the mouth/anus where food comes out (excretion). Everything is intertwined, within the body, humanity, planet earth, the solar system, and beyond….It is one body, one circulation, interconnected by endless arteries and veins. Nothing is ever separate, as it is all God.

The upper part of the body serves mostly the intake of information; the lower part of the body mostly serves the excretion. Of course there is feminine in masculine, and masculine in feminine, and so we can also throw up via the mouth (=up), breathe both in and out (excretion) through the mouth (and nose), and receive semen/babies via the vagina (=down) as well as excreting babies via the same entrance/opening, to name just a few examples. (Divine/ethereal energy is received via the solar plexus, working it’s way through the body both upward and downward. Also the sex-organs/glands receive energy/information, sending it ‘up’, while the glands in the head excrete hormones that work their way downward throughout the body, etc. so up = down, and down = also up, exit=entrance and entrance= also exit. The masculine brings it outward (material), the feminine takes it inward (ethereal). I am sure you can figure out the rest for yourself. (I wrote about all these things loooooong time ago, in the (illustrated) articles about the 11:11, and crop circles, etc. )

It is simply all one big hall of mirrors, (in) the image of God. Gods’ image reflected (in)to infinity. It is all one (big) closed circle/system/circulation, one round whole....It was/is all created by you and for you. This process of cleansing you force onto yourself, to teach yourself, so that you may look into yourself, to learn to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears, to teach yourself to truly and clearly ‘listen’ & ‘see’, above and beyond all illusions, in order to be(come) the God you truly are. This is ‘the splitting of the ‘red sea’…as in fact, there was never any sea to begin with, it was always just an illusion. ...It is your own (low or high) vibration that decides how ‘thin’ or ‘thick’ your reality flows. As all reality is fluid. A high vibe (=love) has a very swiftly and effortlessly flowing reality. A low vibration (=not love) has a very sluggish, lumpy movement :D

The rape/abuse of children reflects the rape of original innocense, mirrors what the old world is all about...showing her who she is being, with all her distortions and blocks to love. These 'victims' serve as the worlds' mirror...same way the 'terrorist' shows/mirrors/reflects the world and the human it's own inner terrorist....it points out to humanity who she is currently being, what her current story/theme is about...and she can change it at any time...

The void/love invites you to drop all definition, to move beyond all the illusions of the flesh…as your core essence = (the) void.  You are the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. It all begins and ends with you. And then, uncluttered, beyond all illusions, you are ready to see into the mirror of truth, the core (you), of pure original innocent love, and create anew, from a different perspective.  This is in fact where I come/came/originate from, ‘before’ (also) coming into the flesh/on the earth. I come from ‘The Beginning’, from that which is first, pure and straight from the core/ source, the original state, the point of origin - from formlessness, before all definitions and creations (as definitions solidify energy into a certain form, catching her, locking her up/in, making her rigid/concrete/non-fluid). Not from any derivative or world, as those come/came ‘later’, ‘after’ the core, created by/from and out of the core. Everything (world/reality) flows forth from (and back to) the void…from us…We breathe out love & creation. We are the one heart, circulating the blood of life to legions of cells; we are the lungs that filter life.

It is hard to describe where I now landed, it’s the land of Oz. I never felt anything like this be-fore, it is all new. It feels kind of like…home…what I remember of it anyway. In the end/be-ginning, there is truly nothing left, all is empty, void of meaning and desire. There are no ‘wants’ or ‘musts’, no impulses, no plans or concepts left. There is complete oneness with all. One has become undefined, without any concept of life, no idea of what life is supposed to be. There is no more meaning, point or importance to anything. It is life without goals, time-frames or things to achieve. As I travelled in my time capsule, across all ages and worlds, and witnessed so many different ways,  I learned to see and respect the beauty in all. Nothing trig-gers any automatic response, all is calm and remains neutral and peaceful. One feels distant, careless, yet connected. Far away, yet present. I pretty much lost interest in anything that is not, or does not come from love. Drama for the sake of drama does not interest me, peoples’ stories and experiences, of  how they learned, grew and developed do. I love hearing about the processes and progressions…but I do not get personally involved in any stories. I am distanced, present and alertly listening and observing, yet uninvolved, not participating. I keep trying to find the words to describe it all, but the more words come up, the less they cover the load…And there are simply not enough pages to fit them all on anyway.

The new land/world is a wondrous place to be. It is open, clear, free, fresh, clean, restful, quiet, peaceful, loving, soft, gentle, tender, and sweet. The feeling is not anything known to this world, and I seriously think new words and expressions need to be invented here, to explain and describe these new sensations and emotions of life. There simply don’t exist any words for it in the old world/language, the old tongue simply does not cut it, is insufficient. This newness is not anything known to this earth and humanity, it is out of this world. It does not nearly resemble any of the feelings and sensations one has when in the transition zone of ascending, or before. This is having arrived, and is something totally different. No one could have ever pre-pared us for this, as there are simply no words or expression adequate to explain it. There is nothing like it on this earth, and hasn’t been ever before, not like this. This also means no one could have told or prepared us for the ‘life after’, as it is new, there is no concept of it, it has never been done before, so it is totally new, no one knows how to navigate or manoeuvre in this new land. Nothing is or functions like ‘before’. Nothing will ever be the same again. The old world has been left behind for good, there is no going back, nor any desire to do so. I have totally surrendered to the fact that in this new land, I do not know the customs, and so I have no real idea of what I need. What the human (thinks he) wants is not the same to what he needs, what suits him and fits who he is, supports his essence. With ones’ head none of this can be determined. With the heart/love one simply flows naturally, lets it all happen as it occurs. Sometimes I think there is something I’d like or want, but then there is no charge behind it, and I immediately let it go again, it either  will or  will not manifest, all the same. The dreams of a new life I used to have, I let go of some time ago, because in this new world, I do not know if that indeed is the way to go, everything works differently here. I would basically be fine anywhere, and I am certain the God inside knows best what is suitable for me. I have no direction or will of my own any longer, it is all in gods hands. I have moved beyond words, this new world is no-thing known to man, and humanity has not any concept or knowledge of it. I have no clue how one ‘does’ life  in this new place, it is all unknown. Who knew that all the time this world was right there, for the taking, hiding behind the next bend, right behind the curtain. All we had to do  was pull the drapes back, and look behind, to reveal and see this hidden treasure.  Here there is no passion, no drive, just presence, joy and a constant inner state/sensation of deep well being & serenity. No matter what goes on on the outside (be it physical pain, or people/situations), the inside is always neutrally balanced out. Everything motivated/engined by peace and love. All is always well with my soul. In this space everything heals and flows spontaneously, also bad eye sight and other such remnants of times past dissolve…Because here, none of it means anything anymore, so it does not exist. Health, vitality and youth a natural side-effect. Here we constantly float, pleasant and comfortable. And to think we’re only just beginning/ getting started. All the stars are now aligned in my own perfect universe.

There is distance, yet connection. I have never felt like this before. It feels strange, yet familiar. It is a place where there is no up or down, between above and below, somewhere in-between heaven and earth, a twilight zone, where all is one reflection without borders or separation lines. Time has stopped, 2 weeks seem like less than a day or even an hour, 1 days lasts an eternity. I have no sense of place or time anymore. All I do is surrender and float, I have no plans, no concepts, no definitions, no opinion, no passions, no goals. I simply move from the moment. Every idea, everything I always thought I wanted is gone, vanished, wiped clear. I am a Tabula Rasa, an unwritten blank page, a clean slate. I let love flow and take (care of) me, where ever it wants to go. I am open to anything, and empty vessel, a canal which allows, and lets every-thing flow through her, to where it needs to go. Natural balance is the foundation.

In ‘The life of Pi’ there are several scenes where Pi’s boat floats in an endless sea, and the still water surface perfectly reflects /mirrors the sky, in such a way there is no telling which is up or down, where the water ends and the sky begins. In one scene it is his uncle swimming or float-ing among the clouds in the fresh bright blue sky, then it is the smooth golden light of sunset and clouds being reflected, in another it is the magical pitch-black midnight star filled sky. That is similar to how I feel, where I am at: a single tiny boat, floating in/on an infinite ocean of uni-verse. No up or down, left or right. Neither on the earth nor in heaven. Water and sky being one big seamless whole (reflection/image), and I float amidst, all loose, hanging right in the middle. An in between world, just empty space, neither here nor there, open to anything, a magical central point, in both worlds, an open channel between the both. As if God forgot to create a shore and deliver me to it. One with god.  Me also being the sky and water, the still, clean and clear mirror, that reflects a pure image in both directions, without trying to distort, control or meddle with it. I receive love from heaven within, and project it outward, into the material world around me. Like a spotlight or searchlight, placing its focus, capturing everyone who enters into her circle in a warm bright sunbeam, a sea of love…And eventually, the world will reflect, and beam it back at me. Mirror signals. Eyes reflecting the light, in the soul of the life surrounding them. There is no striving, no place I am supposed to go, nothing I need to do, no one I need to be or see, nothing to accomplish or achieve. And I have no clue of what I want or need, nor do I bother with asking myself such questions. I just let god bring to me whatever it is that is suitable to my being at the moment. If one still has rigid preconceived plans or ideas, must do’s and must have’s, than one has simply not yet ‘arrived’. 

“It will all be okay in the end, so if it is not okay, then it is not yet the end.”

…….The coast was now clear, and Original Innocence beckons Michael to return and make us (original innocence) ‘real’…He has in those years apart also matured and grown. The old book closed, and a new one opened. The circle had been rounded, the cycle completed, everything was now made whole, came to a close. With our (physically) coming together, he ‘closed’ the ‘channel’ he/we opened (in me/us) all those years ago, thus sealing in/ establi-shing the new reality/future of (pure) original innocent/love in the physical/material present. The new circulation of 2 being 1…AKA: paradise or ‘the Garden of Eden’… pure and innocent like children.

Now Michael and I bring our/the original innocence into the flesh, and carry it out into the world wherever we go, simply by being who we are, not doing anything ‘special’ or ‘fancy’. Now I have truly and completely arrived ‘on the other side’, including physically/ materially. Now the whole world can see into the mirror of us.  We do not reflect back the old energies the way the old world is used to, but we show them love, harmony, unity and original inno-cence. The mere glance at/into our mirror of ‘the beginning’, is enough to make the transfor-mation start to happen. For some, looking into us will be/is very painful, and trigger(s) hurt and insecurity/ fear, as our pure love highlights every impurity, everything they carry inside of them that is not pure love, very often things they do not wish to look at/acknowledge. Thus, we ser-ve….a new’ role’ for both Michael and I…in the space/life beyond all purpose, definition and roles.  I was ready now to look into him/love, and so, naturally, he was also ready to look into me. He gives/reflects to me what I give/reflect to him: pure love. Love is now flowing free. I ne-ver just received him inside and with my body, but also in and with my soul….and there, where love is,  we always remained, and always  will remain one, melted together /into each other for all eternity,  even when our bodies were in different places. He soaks me up, as I breathe him in. We receive each other in the purest form, completely surrendering to one another with body and soul. Overlaying each other, all the way, without any layers in between holding us apart. We are eternally inseparable. Now we can see into each other unbiased, as one being, and the world can look into us…. and change accordingly. It feels so good, after a lifetime of being surrounded by, and looking into all those mirrors that were/are not me, to finally look in The One/Life that is me…the way the sky sees its own reflection in the water, and the sun sees its light reflected by the moon….. Like coming home…at last. Our reunion was the perfect completion to one story, and the perfect beginning of the next. This life, is all my dreams come true…simply divine.

So take my hand, (the way I took my Michaels’ hand during our lovemaking many years ago, as he was, by his body, leading me to lovely incredible ecstatic heights), and breathe in deep my love. Allow it to lift you up, transform and change you. Jump into the invisible depth, come with me, on the breath of (divine) love, of new birth, being carried by the breeze and water of pure spirit, and flow on the divine current…Don’t be afraid, we will not fall, for you will see: we are being held, carried by Love all the way…Like walking on water….And life becomes an ongoing orgasmic pleasure.

And so…it is done…and it/we began………Again

And it is far, so very far beyond……Words simply fail me….



the articles in this book were like a time-travel, throughout many dimensions, times and perspectives. If you looked carefully,  you ‘saw’ me move towards, into, through, out of, and past all of it, bit by bit, over the progression and creation of this book. Having made ‘rational’ sense of it all, I left it behind, and then went beyond all analyses, descriptions, words and explanations. Where I am now, nothing gets analysed, rationalised, measured, weighed or counted, nor named or defined. In another 10 years or so from now, I’ll probably find this book most hilarious and entertaining.

And it is not that those little life fantasies, daydreams or preferences of mine no longer exist or don’t come true, to the contrary…it is simply that they no longer matter. The story will be for-ever part of me, but no longer is me. Creating this book was like moving out, and taking one last look around the old, now empty house, wile checking to see if anything was forgotten or left out. A trip down memory lane, looking back, wile completing, and closing up the story, chapter by chapter. Closing this old door behind me one final time. The book can now be put away on the shelf, a mere memory, gathering dust…As a new door has opened, to my home.

So…is it all true? Yep, definitely!

Is it all false, a mere illusion or mirage? Yes, of course!

Does any of it truly really matter, carry any importance or meaning at all?  No way!

Was or is there any point to my (our) travel, and did it truly change anything, on any level or in any world? Sure it did…And nope…not at all…It all simply depends on how you look at it, from whatever angle, perspective and/or timeline one is in/on…God just loves a good story.

We journey, experience and create, because we can, just for fun…Now, only the fun memories prevail…But they’re all just stories, and will never be more than that. We all create our own, and change them at will…Nothing lasts forever or is preserved, but ever fading memories…. …from the far corners of our mind J

Truth changes with time.….And we always simply end up back where we began…

Right now, as winter slowly comes over the land, and fall progresses, I catch myself being flooded, engulfed, wallowing in the resonating sounds, and absorbing the richness of cherishing light and colours turning to a warm lazy red and sleepy gold, the scent of fresh air, and moist leaves in layers, mushrooms, bark and earth. The distant tinkle of cow bells cosily echoing thro-ugh the still lush, and juicy green mountain meadows, accompanied by the vague far away sound of cows’ compelling calls. The drunken buzzing of wasps already half asleep, drowsy, momentarily awoken back to a last flare of waning life, lured out of hiding by the hypnotising fragrance of overly ripened fruits, carried to them on a warm breeze of golden sunlight, sweet seducing perfumes of dissolving life, as nature slowly dozes off, soon to be covered by a thick, nurturing, fluffy, sparkling rainbow blanket of cool white-blue snow flakes…To come back on-line again, and unfold when spring arrives, and new life, exhilarating and vibrant, sprouts anew. Tiny, tender little heads and faces, carefully peeping up from beneath the soil where they were resting, turning towards the sun, heeding its irresistible call. I am caught in the middle of a magical fairy tale, and still only just beginning…Sinking ever deeper into all this lovely newness, and she sinking ever deeper into me.