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At Worlds' End

posted Jul 8, 2013, 8:14 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Aug 8, 2013, 3:06 PM ]

‘Observe’ the miracle as it unfolded:

(Again, these are the e-mails I wrote to my friend these last few days/weeks…me likes easy :D)

Just had to dive into my old paperwork, like before 1999, to fish out the paper they want here for the government benefits, and it was like a trip down memory lane....holy shit.... all the things and situations I dealt with back then, when they kept on sending me to all kinds of doctors and stuff.......placing all kinds of labels on me.....weird..

I don't care about 'governments' anymore....they govern nothing....least of all their own ego...

....no one as any clue what I went through in life....

I detached from it all.....I am not me...I am not even here....

you know...I guess I (we) simply had to lose all concepts and ideas of/about each other in order to be able to come together all new, clean, clear and free...I no longer know who he is, I have no concept of him anymore...(both) our slates had to be wiped totally clean, through the time of separation, and the process I underwent....I can no longer 'feel' or 'see' him, I feel no connection to him, we are different now, and not yet connected in the new 'time and capacity'... he is gone to me...the one I knew, or thought I knew...

Maybe this is the last and final (big) disconnect, before the true reconnection, in the physical...

I am quite restless again....but at least start tomorrow the weather will be warm and sunny again, so i can be on my balcony, with a bit of sewing perhaps, or a book...that way I won't be in the house, locked in all the time...and a bit of sun is always nice.....

Several people wrote me they're going on holiday....to the south of
France, Mexico etc.... man.... I would love a real holiday....and not take any of this old story with me...not even an inch....

Going to sit out on my balcony now....we are having a lovely sunny warm day, so nice after all the grey and rain....I am sooooo tired....did some laundry, which is drying out on the balcony in the wind....no shit smells (yet)...

Gonna read my book (a fantasy story about people being stuck in a virtual reality game…now whatever made me choose that one? :D)...too tired for sewing...maybe tomorrow....the weather will stay warm and sunny so they say...up to 30 degrees (from 10 straight to 30....  pffff)

I too just got angry...this woman that gave me the wrong paper months ago, now sent me an e-mail she still wants 15 Euros for that right paper she sent me later...

so first I told her sorry, and will do so ASAP..then I got angry...as it was not my mistake she did nor hear me back then, did not read my application right, and did not give me what I needed because of her assumption she knows everything, so I paid 15 euros for something I did not need nor ask for...And so...I wrote her again...and in very nice words, told her exactly that... And you know what...that dentist that fucked up my mouth for months...in old world terms I would have every ground to drag her ass to court for malpractice....

They're all after the money....

You know...I might just jump into that....suing the dentist.....it's not like I have anything better to do...no life to tend to….gives me something to do....it doesn't even come from spite or anger...just sheer boredom...maybe that woman simply needs to be removed from that kinda work....dunno...does one drag people to court in te new energy?.

I like that: "Its not my anger but the anger of God"

I too feel an anger that is....outrageous...the anger Jesus felt when in the temple..

Sometimes I wonder if we are allowed to get angry at all anymore...are we supposed to be all sweet and fluffy?...cause I may  feel that at times, but I definitely experience lots of other stuff as well...

surely our anger serves a purpose...it is there for a reason...

maybe it will fuel and propel us into something new....

so maybe I should just sue the woman anyways....something to do...what
do you think?

I love your swearing! :D

hahaha, my mom kicks butt...haha,,,i like that one...

I just got a reply from that woman...she named all kinds of laws and fines, that were supposed to threaten me, she so obviously felt attacked and felt she needed to defend herself.....she made it sound as if I had gotten away/off very lucky, that she had done me a great favour actually, from the goodness of her heart....and that was supposed to shield her from simply saying : 'I am sorry I made a mistake'....

one cannot get through to people in this world...

so...I replied 'I love you'....:D

...and it brought tears to my eyes as I wrote that....

I just don't wanna be with/connect to people in that way anymore...I do not want conflict and attacks etc...it is not who I am, it is who they are....they thrive on it...I just want openness, and honesty...and love....always did...and as a child it shocked me that it was nowhere to be found on this planet....

well....I realised right in time that there was a very subtle energy vortex worming it's way into my energy field....very sneaky...and so that's why i got angry, and told that woman what I thought about all of it....and so she reacted, lashed out, as one is used to in the old world..... discussions/conflicts serve no purpose whatsoever...I should have kept clear of it....my anger was bigger than me...it was the anger of God…

after I told her I loved her, I have heard nothing back, and she gave me another 2 months time to pay the 15 Euros...

I went to bed after that episode yesterday, I was depressed and wanted nothing to do with anything anymore....I felt very tired, watched a  movie, we had a thunderstorm, and then went to bed.....and I woke up at about 11 pm....and i immediately jumped into the shower...and I got really mad...not at people, but at the discording energies that were trying to penetrate my space, and seduce/tempt me, which were and are not mine, and have nothing to do with me...surely somewhere some huge shift is taking place...darkness is up and around, flying free....and wild...some very old very subtle sneaky darkness....subtle fears came hand in hand with it....

Anyways...while under the shower, like something automatic, I tapped into my strength/ source/ core as I washed it all down the drain, , and I saw myself in a sphere of diamond light....and from deep within I started saying stuff in my head, like:" go away, you are not mine, and cannot penetrate my sphere of diamond light, you crumble before it, go back to the hell you whence came from, you cannot be here, I send you away for good...I am love, I am peace..."...etc etc, like a mantra almost...I pushed it away....

then I watched a movie on tv, made myself something to eat, and went to bed again.....and as I woke up this morning I felt like being hit by a train, groggy and weak...and with a bit of a dark cloud above me....but I started repeating those 'mantras'...and now I feel better
again...

I think some huge dark energies must be on the move, set free, out and about...and since I have nothing more to release I felt all this anger...I was almost caught in their web and dragged with....but in time I freed myself....nothing and no one decides how I feel but me...

I will never ever allow to feel like that ever again.....I will stop it before it can drag me down... I have come too far and went through too much in life to give my energy to what is not mine...

I am god, I decide, nothing or no one else.....no energy of any kind can make me break the love, trust, strength and peace I hold within....they can all go fuck themselves basically, as no one fucks with me...

they are the illusion, my love is what's real....love is the only reality...

it is all relaxing again now...and I have slime being released from within my body /throat/ nose...how befitting...slimy energies be gone! :D

I need not attempt to make anyone see things my way...I just need to love them (=me)....that is enough....I felt such love and sadness for that poor trapped woman yesterday...and such deep compassion....

I just went for a walk, and picked some cherries from our good old cherry tree, last time I picked cherries from that tree I think...last season here....and stood with my back against her stem.....moving helps....and grounding....old trees have such beautiful peace and strength...

'We are here to balance these energies'....
....strangely enough I no longer resonate with any of that...I no longer resonate with the whole idea of ascension, with the whole plan/scheme either...

everything basically sounds like humbug to me at the moment...even though I did experience and participated in it....I can't find any meaning/reality to any of it....and will not continue on with it....the choice is mine after all....I need true peace and love...a place to be me....innocent original beautiful pure loving me....the way I remember from early childhood....as I came...

I am not this body, I am not this plan, I am not humanity, I am not this earth, I am not an ascension-machine, I am not the material world that surrounds me, I am not the things I thought I knew....I am not any of these things....this is not me....and I do not identify myself with/by any of it....

we all assume we know...but we don't ...

the only moment where i was ever myself, was with my love....it was still....not he was the innocence, but we were, together.....it felt sacred....in him I saw myself reflected....

I gave everything for love....I have nothing left to give....I did it all....

all day almost I have been forgiving myself for coming here and putting myself through all the agony....a lifetime of it.....for no reason....I should never have done this to myself....

I needed to experience the split....the darkness....but I do not believe in it....and I will no longer battle what I do not believe in....which doesn't even exist...what I sensed was an illusion....darkness is an illusion....

darkness is a choice.....an energy we created….and the ones who created/live by it were/are free to do so... and it is not anything that ever needed any 'solving'.....nor 'saving'...

going back to pushing it away yesterday felt like going back in time, afterwards it felt like I did this ginormously primitive ancient thing that was no longer me...it was like saying goodbye to history.....it was strange, a visit to te past.....I parted with that bit for good....

my love and I were tender and beautiful....and it was pure and innocent....it was heaven... paradise.....and I forgave myself and him for breaking it up, because of our ignorance... we did not know or understand....but at least I got to have it, if even it lasted only very briefly, I am grateful for that....it proves I was always right, and what I always longed for existed, or could exist, for real....paradise...

he came back full force today...the memory of us...and it hurt....because it was so painfully beautiful...so soft, sweet and tender.... and I will not put myself through any of that longing any longer....I will no longer run after the bait......I am letting him go...I am letting it all go....

maybe in this manner he returned, and is now connected to me again...I do not know....maybe he came back just to tempt me to stick around and hang on longer....but I need to be connected in the physical... because I am flying away....back home...I feel it....I just want to sleep....

and I forgave everyone (and myself) that ever treated me badly...because they did/do not know what they do....

and none of us knew any better than to come here and do this thing....we are forgiven our ignorance...

I have been calm and at peace, yet also all over the place today...I experience(d) it all at once, just not any of the dark, that no longer lives.....just a whole lot of emotion...and waves of tiredness....exhaustion....to the point of knocking me out almost at times, like being high.... sleepy...

love never needed any of this....

love just wants to be expressed and lived....it needs no big 'divine' schemes and plans....

just me rambling.....I will stop talking for while i think....too much talking...

I never knew you guys had been waiting outside my house for so long....was that really 2 years ago?

...even last week seems like an eternity ago

I made a picture of that cherry tree in full bloom this year....a memory......

yeah...it makes me sad too....

just now I was white hot angry...aggressive even...

those blasting idiots from the government benefits, after months and months of asking me for ever more paperwork, just sent me a rejection....yet they sent me a rejection for a 'berufsunfähigkeitspension'...and that is not what I asked them for...I asked for an 'ausgleichszulage' which I have a legal right to, according to EU law....somewhere along the line they got mixed up...and I got soooooooooooooooooo mad....I was literally shaking!

I wrote on the letter they sent me, and I said 'sie wissen vorne nicht mal was ihr hintern macht, idioten! sie können mich mal’,...and so on and so forth...I let it all out...told them I don't want their fucking money, and to send me all my paperwork back right now...and I threw it into the mailbox across the street right away...

it is not about the money...it is simply about the stupidity of it all that I got so angry...about being given the run-around, like with this whole earth-process thing....about not being seen and heard, for real...I could have spit fire and vomited with anger...omg...I can't remember ever having been that angry...except when I was a kid and the family ganging up on me, and me grabbing a chair to hold them off me, like a lion-tamer....I remember this case where some 'doctor' locked me up against my will...I was strapped unto a gurney, and taken away....I cursed and screamed, I foamed from the mouth I think....omg....I could have screamed just now!...

....now I am just very sad and teary....but also adrenaline still pumping....dizzy it makes me...headache...heart palpitations....tired....

I know it was the divine that had the hand in this, as with all....does not make me less angry though....I don't care about the money....I am just so fed up with this non-life....I am this boggled child again, unheard and unseen....

today I sat on the balcony and wrote Michael a looooong letter....saying it all.....we lived a whole life in those 2 nights we spent together...who needs more?....as I always tell my mom: it is not the quantity of being together that counts, but the quality... and that we had....

I will not take this bait no more....everyone and everything can go fuck themselves....I am breaking away...out! Anyway I must...if it's back home, off-planet, than so it is!

this afternoon, as I was on my balcony, a new Honda drove up, and wanted to turn back....and ran into a parked Mercedes, loud bang!...the young man that got out was very clearly drunk..... and so the owner of the Mercedes came out, the ''chef' from Föhrenhof, and saw the state the man was in....and so he drove the honda away, parked it, and sat the young guy down... and called his parents...the young guy's energy was so sad and down.... so.... disillusioned... many over here do what he did, they work, are unhappy with their lives, and on Friday dive into a bar straight away to drink their sorrows away...this guy still had his working clothes on.... the guy from Föhrenhof could have called the police, but didn't...he took mercy on this poor guy.... that looked so lost, sad and beat.....out of it…he knew his folks were gonna be angry and scream at him....and he was already in such unloving energy towards himself... it made me sad...that guy's whole energy made me sad, I cried...all his folks had to do was give him a hug, show him some love...but nothing...and he silently, without even looking at them , got in the back of their car...and the drove off...I don't even want to know what happens once he's slept his alcohol off....I know so well how this guy felt, because I recognised it from myself.....way back when...man...have I been through a lot in life...

and I am done....so done....

you know...the only way i can balance and ground anything here now ...is by actually living ...in the physical....on the earth... with Michael...and a whole lot of grounding new material stuff....

without the (new) physical life, I can no longer do anything....

I am not physical...I am a mere mirage now, an idea, an energy...unseen and unheard...and not able to stay or anchor here... not anymore....not in any way like before...one needs matter, the physical, the body in order to be ...on the earth....in spite of a heavy body, I cannot anchor here.....not anymore...because I detached from my body...I do not identify with it....it will no longer keep me here....love could keep me here...but therefore Michael must be physically present in my life....not anything else can keep me here....no other way....

up to god....and Michael...either new life and stay...or not and go....either way will be a relief...

well....after my rage....I all of a sudden saw, very clearly....

you know.....the bait of the twin...it is another illusion....the whole process is an illusion....by us sleeping together, he impregnated himself in my body-memory...and my body has been reminding me ever since...and been pushing me ever further because of it.....because the human wants the bait....I fell into the physical illusion...for a reason, yes...but still, just a program....

the bait and programming, as we know, is an illusion...we are the ones programming our bodies and material realities....we decide what is true for us....and what may have been true at one time, can change and no longer be true the next....we decide....

and so...however beautiful our being together was....I can snap out of it...it is a choice....as it is all an illusion we told ourselves.... it served a purpose, yes....but never the less, an illusion....I am now at the place beyond illusions...it is all just a customized ball really....

we all 'fooled' ourselves so we would do this thing...yet also this thing is just a story...nothing more...another illusion...we told ourselves this process was needed/necessary and stuff, for humanity and earth....but in fact, it is simply another illusion/story we created… a program....

it is a very old story...the story that's been roaming this earth for thousands of years, that says the 'good' will prevail over the 'bad'...but there is no good or bad....love is undefined, it knows no good or bad....so love would have never measured any situation and decided to 'interfere'... as love has no such judgment...love also as no agenda whatsoever, it does not plan for future goals or achievements....love does not require any of it....love was never gone...separation was an illusion...and so I (we) need no longer suffer and sacrifice to get to love...that was always this planet's illusion...an old story.....

I now see that I needed first to break through the old illusion of separation...then I needed to break through the story of 'making things right' (=ascension)...although the process did bring about what was originally intended...there is a place behind it, that has no agenda at all, never did......where all illusions/defintions are broken and energy is free of all such definition...

so...if I am to remain here it will be in the capacity of bringing this original innocence into form...the place beyond all illusions, the pure love of god, which has no definition or plans at all, no goals...that is what I need to 'do', if I am to stay here now....if I, for some reason, cannot bring this into expression now.....I can no longer stay either....as 'waiting'  for things to become 'perfect' in 'timing' and such is in fact a travesty....there is no such thing as perfect.... love does not know/distinguish nor require perfection (perfection is an illusion, a judgment/ definition)... nor sacrifice...it is none of these things we told ourselves, and were fed (ourselves) to believe...

there comes in the ‘twin’...as he served to bring me beyond all illusions as bait...and now I know that the time is here to bring our original innocence into form...as I am god, I decide the timing...I feel it inside....I decide...it depends on no one but me...

exactly those things I wrote to him in the letter.....he has been the passive feminine part in this matter...and I have been the masculine active part....together we are neither nor....we are neutral....

yes.....my anger was a very good tool.....I made some very clear statements....I can no longer remain in this lie....it may still be true for others, but not for me...I have a divine right to write my own story here.....that is all earth was ever about....

the 'twin' has to make me, and us, real....so we can ground the original innocence here....and if he cannot, then I cannot remain....neither of both matters...

I guess that is why I always had to tell him everything....by my words he will know where I am at....and when his time comes....

since yesterday (or was it the day before already?) I all of a sudden saw that my Michael is not real....and neither am I (not physically anyway)....I created Michael  (and thus he created me), to be me in messenger/mirror form...to an extent I always knew that, but now I also see and FEEL the illusion of it all...he was never anyone but me, and we were never broken, nothing ever was broken or separated....

his whole physical appearance and personality, and the whole experience of 'us' I designed... just to show/point out to myself where the illusion of/on this earth lies, and how to get passed it...to master it all....

do you know that scene in 'Pirates of the Caribbean - at world's end' with Johnny Depp? where they are in the so called 'after world' and have to get back to the 'real' world?.....they start rocking the pirate ship side to side, by use of their weight, until it tilts, and then flips over, upside down in the water, and then the water goes down until it is underneath the ship again, and the ship floats on top of it again... and they are on the other side again, ...quite surreal...that is kinda like how I feel now...I broke through the mirror....the world/reality has flipped over, upside down, or right side up....whatever way one wishes to look at it....I broke through...the circle rounded.

none of this was ever real....just now I sat on the toilet seat, and felt it hardness press in my bottom, and I felt how 'unreal' it was....the illusion of hardness, of being solid matter....we programmed ourselves, with our minds, to believe it is hard...but in fact there is only a void....an undefined neutral space....

we are so very creative and smart...we can make ourselves fall into any story we choose....we are god...and all form is illusionary and not real...what is real is the orginal innocence/ love/ undefined we carry within...all the rest is fake...'virtual reality'...a mere program...

so...basically...one stays in 'ascension'-illusion just as long until one is able to get oneself beyond it....beyond all the old stories earth is (and we are) not, and never was, but was made out to be....there is no ascension, just another illusionary state/ program we need(ed) to break out of all (ancient earth-) illusions/programs....

ever see these ballerinas online that turn/dance to the right? everyone, or most, think they do actually turn to the right....but one can make them turn to the left just as well… it is all a matter of breaking and steering the illusion...with ones' own mind....of choosing a different perspective...

last night I got some bout of diarrhoea, and my nose started running, also mucus in the back of my throat, and a light cough that only lasted a few moments....and the lights switched themselves on and off, which had not happened since the beginning of this story 6 years ago.....and I could smell these waves of sweet perfume all night.....I guess the lights have switched on in a new way for me now....

I have taken myself off 'the cross'....I am beyond the cross now...I resurrected myself...and nothing is as one thought it was... not even feminine and masculine...as also they do not exist.....nor does north-east south or west, up or down....there is no such thing, never was.... there is no cross....

the time of 'Christ' and Jesus (and buddha etc) are over...his story belongs in the old world/reality/illusion....the old illusion....the time of the Christ has ended....I am beyond the cross....and so will earth be, some 'day'...

since yesterday I have also been feeling so much clarity, and joy....a new state of being...could hardly fall asleep almost, a kind of new excitement, woke me up quite early....I spent quite a few hours on the terrace downstairs with the landlady's family and the neighbours...and basically all I did was laugh and goof and joke around...they were having their usual arguments and quarrels, power-battle, and it was all so ridiculous and futile, it cracked me up, so I softly sang in the background: ein bisschen frieden, ein bisschen freude...." ...and I kept squeeking to my landlady "ich liebe dich Michaelachen..."...and so at some point the landlord squeeked "ich auch" (where he had been pestering her all day long with all the things they/she 'had' to do, not allowing anyone their peace, he is dominant to her, she is to her kids, and the eldest kid is dominant towards her younger sibling)...but then we were all laughing and joking around.....and it was fun....lots of cuddles from the kids...kaffee und kuchen...

I am glad I got so angry and let it all out...it propelled me into another space....I tipped t
he scales, and bust the buble...

and so now...Michael is not something that needs to come about....it is an invitation to him (=me) to reunite and live original innocence on this earth...to bring it back.....all free and clear of illusions and programmings.....undefined and pure love....

and otherwise I can return home to the paradise  from whence I came (the state I have re-established within now), and that will be equally glorious...

but the illusions I will no longer live and uphold....I will not stay in this old illusionary 'physical 'space...as it was true once, but is no longer now...(I broke it, and I am god, I decide)... nor is the 'necessity' to hang on to 'Michael'.....I am now truly free... and so, so is he....our reunion and physical expression of original innocence is no longer something that is 'supposed to' happen, but now is simply something that CAN or could happen....

so I am glad I applied for those government benefits (without judgment), and I went as it did....they (=i) served myself well that way....

do I make any sense ...at all? :D

we just have sex for fun, because it feels soooo goooood...as basically, sex with another is making love to Self :)...and the other is merely showing us the love we feel towards our self.... by it we show our self love....it is the divine expressing the love it holds for itself.... and for creation...all love-making is basically masturbation....

funny you brought up sex...I have been flooded with images of Michael and I having sex all day long :D....not memories, but new scenes :)....the story/illusion of 'Twin' has been broken..... now there is only unity....he is no other than me...and now, we came into each other…we (I) became one...

now I can truly understand why he felt.....so close to me....like me....it was as if I was making love with/to myself with him... I saw myself reflected in him....and in our love-making we were a perfectly 'eingespielter' unity....we just knew what the other needed/wanted....

in and from our original innocence, we create....

the 'waves' movements sex brings about, are vibrations....and creative....not only to make babies...those wave-patterns actually oscillate into worlds....realities....they uphold and bring about realities....like thought-waves/patterns....like radio-waves sending music....sound waves sending information....god masturbates creation....gets off on it, god ejaculates new realities.... semen (and fish) 'swims' ....that is also an oscillation....contractions when giving birth also an oscillation... birds flying....'light' is also a vibration, as is colour...it is all gods' masturbation.... in expression...breathing and heartbeat…

...so are Michael and I...it is ecstatic....and peaceful...

you know...we don't need any physicality....it is not who we are...we are energy...even 'less' than energy....we make/create energy...

but...since we are here in the world/state of physical illusion....since we have the opportunity... might as well have fun with it....goof around a little...it's what we came for...

and btw...who says you have to do anything, like doing his laundry for him and take care of him...are you nuts? :D

yesterday the women were saying stuff like: o yeah, we can go do this now, the men have just had cake, so they won't need food for quite some time now.....my landlady asks him when he wants his coffee, and then serves it to him...omg....puke puke puke....I was like: hUh????!!!!...as if they cannot get or make their own food when they're  hungry... what are they, 2 year olds? Handicapped morons? Fuck that!

But, as those women see themselves, so do their men perceive them, and reflect it back at them. If I were to have a cleaning lady, than that only means I, well aware, reflect back at her who she (thinks she) is or needs to be. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with that, I would simply facilitate her to look in the mirror she herself created… until she is done with it and sees beyond. We all have our roles to play here on this earth. I need not think of ways to end ‘pollution’ or ’economy’ etc, as that is not my place, that role is for others to play, I just happily use whatever solutions they come up with.

We will take care of each other....Michael and I

You know...it is better to break your neck than to have never looked up at the sky :)

that was funny...I just looked out the window...and thought I saw leaves or lights flying outside, and I thought: that's funny, there is not even any wind...and then I realised, the lights were flying in the space around me, and in my eyes, and were being reflected in the glass...something like that....like shooting stars...disco ball.... funny...:D


LUNAPARK

You know...you say 'the ways of God are not my ways.....but in fact....they are...as you are God...

I feel like I am diving ever deeper (or ‘higher’) into this new state....after the ship/reality flipped over....

my landlady and landlord have been bitching on each other again....and it is as if I no longer see them, not the (self-created) illusion of them....but I see beyond...I see how my landlord is making my landladies' life miserable and dominates and controls her life and days, makes her serve him, because that is who she is! He perfectly reflects back to her who she thinks she is, and what she thinks her role is.... it is her own imprisonment he shows her, she makes herself live this life/ experience....they perfectly reflect each other, as he is also a control-freak.....and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game.... that is their game, their illusion, their story...they perfectly reflect each other.....she is her own imprisonment… and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game....

The old ways on earth.... from free choice and creation

life is an illusion...it is a Luna park, you know, a hall of mirrors in which one sees ones' Self reflected, in exaggeration...... some of those mirrors reflect mighty strange deformations....but then, those are the deformations/illusions the one staring in the mirror reflects back at himself....it is all one great big joke...the mirror shows what someone is all about...

Now that I flipped the ship, by my mere weight/mental force of divinity, everything changed....

I see now that the anger/aggression I directed and those people from the government benefits was in fact anger if had towards myself...as it was not really them that did not pay attention and could not hear and see me, it was ME that was not paying attention...

My apartment, which has felt like a prison for so long, as it was all I experienced for years, only reflects the prison I made myself... I kept myself imprisoned here... it was never 'the powers that be', 'the universe' or anything/anyone doing this...it was ME...I was holding myself back...to force myself to TRULY look in the mirror, very very closely, and break (through) the illusion.....

Reality has flipped over....

it is as if the circle has no become rounded/complete/closed, and I have ended where I began, where nothing I experienced in this life was ever real, it was all one great big illusion, that I fooled myself with, only to end back at the beginning, where I see none of it was ever true or real nor necessary...it was all just a dream, an illusion....none of it ever really happened even....

Our surroundings reflect our self....

I have now pushed ‘the-mirrors-that-fool’ aside, like the splitting of the (red) see.....as there was never any sea to begin with....

Nothing needed balancing, as the balance was never lost....love never left....and nothing needed cleansing as there was never any pollution.... no darkness needed battling against, as darkness never was....

one stays in the illusion of ascension as long as one needs to break through it...one goes through the motions of that illusions as long as it takes....that is our own doing, not from some force outside of ourselves....we stay there until we can truly look and see in that mirror....it is how WE serve our self....

i got so annoyed and impatiently aggressive with it all, I gathered all my frustration together in one ball of blasting heat/energy (after all, we are not energy, we MAKE/create energy), as I knew/felt I was overlooking something/missing something....I fired it away, and took my strength/truth back, with a bang.... There was never any male or female.....he is me and I am him....we are neutral...original innocence....

it is as if I broke through the 'sound barrier' with a loud BANG...and there is clarity beyond all.....everything is so totally clear now...as if I am standing on a mountain peak and breathing in all this compressed air, that is full of Clarity, and it is almost making my head spin.....rising above a certain 'level  or boundary, and having my ears pop....the place where the 'air-pressure is totally different...or basically: there is none...I am free!

And by me making these discoveries, others will also see...as I report it....

and when they are ready, the god in them will bring them to me, as I will reflect back at them the truth they are now ready to hear/see...and realise....as they are me, and I am them...

And that is also why I had to always write everything to my love....as in doing that, I was telling it to myself...it brought clarity...

in all of this, we do not serve any humanity or earth...we serve our self....it was never about serving anyone, or freeing up anything...it was always about getting beyond the illusion....

we want our self to know now....God (=I/we) is re-establishing the original innocence on the earth....which was always an illusion to begin with....nothing was ever hidden...we simply chose not to see.....

...and I could simply no longer hold myself back, could no longer contain my own hugeness, my force...I was ready to break free.....

I am very excited....as now...I cracked the code....I am in now...right in the heart of the 'steering mechanism'....I feel a tremendous joy and feeling of freedom inside....I feel I can finally breathe, after a long time of the illusion of death....my heart swells in my chest and I can barely contain it...there will be no holding back of any kind anymore now....that dam has broken, and the great flood is coming, I can feel it. That flood will wash/flush me out of this old setting straight into a new one. I feel things might/will move very swiftly here (and easily/effortlessly) now. The blood and adrenaline is rushing through the veins already.....I am getting my surf board out, as the waves are going to be huge and glorious! Exhilarating...new creation is a-coming! Watch us soar as we ride the waves of love and freedom!

there will be no more 'waiting' now...there really never was...we simply keep our self in the loop, holding our breath, like a fly that keeps on bumping into the glass window, trying to get out…until we SEE.....which is also...nothing but an illusion....

Nothing ever needed ‘healing’, as nothing was ever really broken…

I parted the red sea….

It is time to breathe OUT now…..to bring it outward…into the ‘flesh’...which is....just another illusion/game :D

2 songs keep playing in my head now: ‘let’s get physical’- by Diana Ross…and ’ happy days are here again’ by I dunno who J

My love Michael (=I) served me so well....

And by all this....I give to you (=me)....FREEDOM

Love

Me

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P.S: This is what I wrote to my friend afterwards:

we look in the mirrors of deformation just as long until we lose/did away with all the illusions in-between and are able to look in the mirror of pure and innocent undefined love....more innocent and purer than children even....Adam and Eve in Paradise...

And....I hope you do not mind me saying this....but I feel everyone around you is reflecting 'caretaker' back at you....even your son J. went through his accident not just for him, but also so that you can play your role as caretaker (and mom)...we all facilitate the other in being/reflecting back who he/she thinks he/she is....we do it for those around us, and they do it for us...we reflect them, and they (or it) reflect(s) us... you said to me often enough that you do not want to do G.'s laundry and stuff, but would as long as he works.....that means you have not become undefined....you still run programs in your mind...the water has not cleared yet...I think this is why you get so angry at people...it signals you...a red flag...

When/if you just got angry or upset reading this, it means you are not ready to hear/see it yet...which is fine....it is your choice, and your story...your maze/labyrinth to walk through....your own unique hall of mirrors....I may just be the mirror you are not ready to look into yet...the one of pure and innocent love....paradise...like G. was/is as well....it is your own personal choice and story, which is honoured and respected...as love does/is..

There is no brain, there is no life, and none of this exists...there is really only undefined love....we are love (in form/ expression)…

I feel like I just fell in love…I feel itchy all over (like with 'him'…and like when ‘the voice’ inside was calling/urging me to quit my job…The sheer exhilaration and joyful excitement of something new unfolding. Everything feels fresh, new and crisp… totally different… there are no words)...I am on a high....can hardly concentrate...can barely sit still...all I do is dream and smile....I am all love...I cannot contain it…it will go outward now…

and I also feel like when I just finished reading a book....when the last chapter is read, and the story has ended....the mystery was solved...the great relief.... everything cleared... relaxation...joy....and excitement...for a new book can commence...after a short pause...it is finished…

(I experienced some minor ‘flu-symptoms’ after this last and final break-through… the shedding/dropping  of the last illusion)

Once you saw, know, feel and experienced that all you really and truly are is (pure and innocent undefined) love (=the core/essence), none of the mirrors can fool you an longer…as they are noting more than (self-created/inflicted) illusions, that basically invite (or beg) you to move beyond them…And once you established that within yourself, and know everything is fake/illusion, it becomes quite easy to undo them, and create otherwise. No reality = absolute…one simply stops believing them. They are all just stories, nothing more…(Self-created) illusions, to create/ensure/bring about (certain) experience(s)… Anyway, that was the OLD story, the one behind the veil(s)…We write new stories whenever we choose….In this new day free form all ancient programming, from pure innocent love, which has no restrictions or perspectives (judgments)….as it is the beginning of all ‘things’…it comes before everything.

I view all creations/games from that neutral ‘perspective’ of pure innocence now, from the beginning….where the rest of this world still views things from a perspective of (earth-) programming/illusion…this is not judgment, all in due ‘time’.

I left the story....I am out....of the maze…

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Right after all this unfolded, my long year friend and I parted ways, like I knew we would. It came into my awareness a few days beforehand that we would. As always, we travel alongside people and places until we are done with them….I broke new ground, broke, moved and entered into new territory, and she still had ‘agreements’ running right where she was, with herself and the (divine) personalities/aspects surrounding her (serving as each others’ mirror, until done with the particular story, and all was experienced/discovered/integrated from it). Different ‘lands’ speak different ‘languages’, as the ‘way’ of comprehension is different, and so, for now, she and I no longer speak the same language. She (still) resides in the reality of role-play, and, for now, she needs to be/remain the ‘caretaker’ (of course this is not who she is, but what she does, for the moment/time being). That is the ‘right’ place for her to be right now. She, and the personalities/mirrors surrounding her are in agreement, they need each other to write/fulfil their own unique story/path out of the labyrinth. It is their (and everyone’s) prerogative/divine right…To each his/her own steeple chase, and game.

(Quite frankly, there are no reasons whatsoever for what we (God) do or did (create)…Only humans seek/need reasons…But the ‘truth’ is…Love (=God) has no reason for being, at all…nor does she need one…She just simply is…innocent and clear of reason and explanation… She comes before all that…Of course, on some level of reality, this so called illusion of ‘ascension’ does definitely bring about (the universe/creation) what some (many actually) explained it as, because after all, it always is what we decide and perceive it to be….From a clear view of original innocence however, it holds no such explanations/ meanings…God/love simply neither has, nor needs such agendas…Nor is there any reason or ‘goal’ behind the agony people/beings put themselves (each other) through, except that it is their choice (and creation)…)

So, in my mind, I said goodbye to her, hugged her, wished her well on her journey, turned around, and went on my way. With peace and gratitude. This is not sad, it is simply natural. The moment we are done, we move on and part ways with those people, places and items which have now become redundant to our story. (It was even so that, although I usually respectfully refrain from blatantly telling people what I see and feel around them - as it is simply not my place, it would ruin their path of own discovery as they laid it out for themselves, and their own unique maze to un- and  discover. It is for them to figure out. Experiencing/learning by doing is always much more effective than someone else telling you (which would also be just another programming-, this time I deliberately, well aware of what was to take place, simply went ahead and expressed my view anyway. (which is indeed nothing more than another perspective/view….yet one very clear and untroubled, coming from pure original innocence/the beginning…the place of original intent, from where everything sprouts). I knew it would bring about exactly what it needed to: for us to part ways. All natural, coming from pure honest expression. Where I went, she was not supposed to follow…yet…and at some level she knew this.

When one person leaves its old role (like self-image, job etc) to take upon himself a new one, it changes everything, and the surroundings (individuals) are thus all forced to look into a new mirror. Some cannot, as it frightens them, there are things in the mirror they rather not face (yet), they are not ready for it (to leave their old role), and naturally fall away. This too is the divine flow.

(The girl from Pakistan, who was shot by the Taliban, has taken upon herself the role of the mirror. The Taliban shot her to bestow fear, as in the old days fear begets more fear, and hate begets more hatred, etc. But now the mirror has changed, and instead of fearing, she holds up a mirror of strength and change for them to look into. Also India is being forced to look into the deepest abyss of its own being by al the violent rapes of women (and children) taking place there, coming out for all to see face/acknowledge, as are many other nations worldwide now looking into the mirror of change, being pushed/forced to face themselves. It is the divine choice of the God inside all those participants, to facilitate change for themselves in such a manner/process. On a deeper level everyone knows the role (of the one god) they’re playing in the hall of mirrors.

I also saw a cover of the recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, showing the close-up picture of the man-boy that, together with his brother, bombed the Boston Marathon in the USA. It showed a beautiful lovely young man, with big innocent, almost startled brown eyes, tender like a young deer. (I would have cuddled him on the spot). The picture went straight to my heart…and obviously many other peoples’ hearts as well, as there is currently a big uproar in the USA over this Rolling stone cover. Stores won’t sell it, and people won’t buy it. There’s an outrage going on, the reason given: They feel a ‘terrorist’ like that, has no right to be shown on the cover of a magazine, as if he were some sort of star/idol. But I know better…The origin of their outrage and anger is NOT that which they say it is, it lies much deeper. In that beautiful picture lies pure innocence, and softness (in fact it reminded me very much of my Michael, the same big innocent eyes, except for the colour), not something one, in the old world, expects, or wishes to see in someone they demonised and judged as being ‘pure evil’ and a ’terrorist…In fact, this young man serves as the mirror most Americans are not yet willing to look into, as it shows the terrorist inside all of them. This young man is no better or worse than anyone else, he is just a boy. It makes no difference whether one bombs a marathon, terrorises his neighbour, is a company or bank cheating people, performs rape, acts self-destructive or rejects oneself – and others- for being ‘not pretty’ or ‘not thin’, etc…It is all the same one terrorist inside all. This young man, Dzokhar, is the voice and face of the loving innocent god inside them all, meant to make them look into his soft, gentle face. Making them look straight into the face of their own terrorist, and into a mirror of love, giving them a chance to embrace love, instead of choose hatred (again). And that is what really caused the angry outcry, it triggered a big release of old energy-response…


….It is basically the same response people, ever since my earliest childhood, all over the internet, and in real life showed towards me, as I made them look into the mirror of love and truth they were not yet ready to look into, thus rejected, and attempted to beat out of me. Truth is quite confrontational. (Same way I looked into the mirror of innocent love with my Michael, and from our old programming we both rejected it (our inner terrorist), thus causing/triggering my/our intense process of release). But those outraged people, (and Michael and I), did not know that the seed of love had already been planted, and would sprout and grow, and come into bloom over time. I bestow my love and innocence upon the world around me, wherever I go, to whomever I come into contact with, physically or otherwise, without words being spoken even. (which will be even more so once Michael and I are reunited)…And so does this young man, who is not ‘the bomber’…bombing is merely what he did, not who he is…He brought/brings a great gift…(without his big brothers’ guidance,( who died), this young man would not have been able to perform this deed he needed to perform for the world…I am sure he misses his brother now, imprisoned, not an easy task he took upon himself) …Indeed he dropped a bomb, but it was a bomb of love, and an even bigger one than the world is currently aware of….)

Seeing behind all the scenes/illusions is quite interesting and neutral, and surreal…it opens a whole new world of possibilities.  All in good ‘time’ my friend will (unknowingly)  remember, and use the information/energy I gave her, once she is ready to leave the story she is currently in behind, they are all done with it, and do so. Things need time to trickle down, soak, and sink in, all in due ‘time’. For now she stored it somewhere in her system for later use, and when the time is right, she will dive it up, and fish it out of her memory banks to put to use.

I cannot contain myself…Gods’ joy & love needs expression…it is how the so called ‘big bang’ came about.

For me, it is time to commence a new story-book…one of creation from pure original innocence… without any veils…I tore them all down one by one, unveiling the truth, the original innocence.

I now also understand why all through my life I’ve been practically haunted by this image of Michael and I holding a little baby….it was merely symbolising the pure original innocence he and I were/are to bring into this world. Michael is the costume I dressed up in, to ensure myself a certain experience. Now, beyond all the veils and masquerades, the story becomes about living and creating in and from full openness and awareness. I opened the door for all to walk through, if they so choose.

I even found my neutral ‘God-voice’ …The same voice that summoned me to quit my job all those years ago, and leave the old reality behind, has now become my own. I use it to ‘command’ reality…I no longer ask (or beg any god beyond myself), I tell. I summon. Beyond the masquerade, that is how creation goes. There is also no more waiting (as time is just another illusion), and manifestations are never unexpected or come as a surprise, they come as expected, all natural, and pretty much instantaneously. I am divine, and so my timing = divine timing. (Not to be confused with the voice of ego that ‘wants’ and nags…I want for nothing, as I already have it all). When a violent thunderstorm appears I say “let off” or ‘move/go away’, and it immediately dissolves, or moves away in a circle around me, keeping clear of me, like I am the eye of the storm…There is simply no place for such violent energies in my space, as there exists no contrast in my space, those do not and cannot exist here… unless I call for them… My valley is one of peace, of love in its original innocence, undefined, before contrast was created…. Such violence then manifests in spaces for which they are a match, where contrast, and the violence that often comes of it, can exist, coming into being as they bash into each other.

We are having lovely, perfectly harmonious, stable summer weather here lately, ideal temperatures and a pleasant breeze, here and there a cloud, for days and days now… like being by the sea…I feel pure, tremendously joyful, clean and carefree, like in the summers I remember from very early childhood (and the way I felt with Michael), safe, clean and cosy after a day of warm summer sun and water …I am back at the beginning… the child…diving ever deeper into it, becoming undone…everything that was in-between it washes away…We end at the beginning.

I actually only have good memories of my childhood now, only all the fun stuff remained, the rest is gone/healed. It is quite quaint actually how I am being flooded now by many many wonderful lovely long forgotten childhood memories, now that all the garbage is out of the way, the innocent original child has been laid bare.  I wrote my parents an e-mail recently where I told them how much I love them, how grateful I am, and how well they did, how hard they tried to cherish all their kids, and give them a great childhood, to the best of their ability.

Like water that sprouts in the mountains a bouncy little stream, a tumbling, toppling, playful child, frolicking downhill, growing into an ever wider and broader river as it proceeds running further downward, away from it’s origin, and into the land, losing more and more of it’s original innocence along the way…Now returning, back from whence once it came.

It is almost a bit of a bummer even really…my whole life spent thinking there must be something really big, amazing and important going on, something magical and mysterious to uncover…with a big prize awaiting on the other side….only to find out it was all just a silly masquerade, a childish game of dress-up and hide-and-seek…so super-smart that it becomes stupid again.

Everything is different now; still getting used to it in a way…it is quite different looking at things from the beginning. Makes everything look quite silly and….neutral. It is simply all so very….fake. I am still wondering how to ever bring about/manifest all that is me in a place I know is fake…Like walking around a theatre-set, very clearly, and quite clumsily made out of painted cardboard… how to ever see and experience any’ reality’ in that, ever again?

I kinda feel like a 3- or 4-year old that sits on the pot, done doing it’s business, hollering: “I am do-one!”, so that the parents rush in to wipe clean it’s ass and take it off the pot…finally.

I experienced many days of divine bliss, euphoria, over a week it lasted, after which the human landed back on the earth, and a last minor bit of old, now obsolete, personality-release followed (lasted only a few hours, and was very mild)…From which came the following: When you’re done, your done, and you know/feel it…And the same way I brought this thing into motion 6 years ago, (while standing on the balcony at my working place, having a smoke, asking myself: “so then, is this it? Is this life?” thus expressing my willingness to move beyond and have the big questions answered), I now ended it. Last Sunday, July 14th, I sat on my balcony (again on a balcony for some strange reason), enjoying a perfect summer day, and the god-voice inside said, clearly and neutrally summoning: “I am done with this now, I took everything from this role that I could, I know enough now to create myself a beautiful life with my Michael in the new, and I am content with that. I need not go any further with this, I sign off. I will take my chances with what I now know, I sign up for a life from this, right here and now, and waver what might have come next. To go even beyond this, is something I now gladly pass on to those that follow behind me, which come after. I happily pass on the torch, I joyfully and with peace I my heart hang this cloak/role on the willows, in full awareness I took all from this experience/role that I could. I now gladly leave the breaking of new ground/ways to others. I am more than ready and content now with simply living my life, and expressing my love and joy in the physical with what I achieved here at this ‘time’, in this here and now, and everything that comes with that. That is what I now sign up for.

And right there and then I could feel myself being released, everything just sliding off me.  I could feel the torch being taken away and passed on, the old role/cloak being taken off my shoulders, I felt myself signing off and moving out. It all simply fell away, and tremendous peace came over me. My God-voice had been heard loud and clear, and answered. I was being set-free to now go and do my thing…loose. I performed my ‘task’ and served well, I moved mountains, moved heaven and earth, and all was good. It is now time to now retire, to take on and serve in a new role. Relaxation, love. Life…in the physical.

Alongside I was experiencing some minor flu-like symptoms, some sneezing and tickle throat coughing, bit of a headache, dizziness, left-eye twitching, and some zits (acne), as my hormonal and emotional wiring changed and the old bits were released. (lots of lucky relieving grateful tears) The usual stuff. The joy however remained; it is a mainstay now, a state of being. I also had a very significant dream where I saw myself in a room with many individuals, men and women, that all looked kinda like my Michael, but none of them was actually him. The hair was different, or the eye colour, clothing, house, street etc, they were all him, but not….One was angry with me, the other one mocked me, another one read fragments of my letters out loud saying he liked them, one didn’t want anything to do with me, one did not want to let go of the drawing I gave him, 2 were constantly annoyingly touching me and flirting with me, and some (mostly the women) were simply disinterested and whispered behind their hands, etc…They all represented fragments/aspect of Michael/me that had been integrated and brought into peaceful balance now…as I was sitting in the centre.

Like white (light) carries all the colours of the spectrum within, so do I now carry all these aspects/mirrors (=all the individuals and situations I encountered throughout life) within, I reconciled them, integrated them within, made peace amongst and with all of them, and now they are one neutral whole. I am all of them, and none of them.

3 days after this falling-away-of-the-old-role, I was invited by my new upstairs neighbour to come up for a drink. Since the first time I saw her about 10 months ago, and shook her hand, I had been aware that she was here to overtake my role at some point. I knew some sort of (energy) transfer was to take place because of it. She kept on saying, whenever she saw me, she wanted to invite me over sometime, (which was of no importance to me really, done with the whole thing as I was/am), but nothing ever came of it, as she never found the time. The right moment simply hadn’t arrived yet. Now, all of a sudden, she popped up outta nowhere, as I was watering the flowers on the terrace in the evening, and invited me over that same evening. So I went, and it developed as expected…She told me all about her life, what she had experienced during the time before, leading up to moving into my building, a story of being severely physically injured, disabled, no longer able to perform the many activities she was used to, thus resulting in a big-time confrontation with herself. The breaking up of a relationship, leaving an old job and familiar surroundings behind, being done with them, feeling some new move was needed…You know the drill….And now, obviously, she is ready to take upon herself this new role I just left behind. She is soon to begin her process, as a natural extension of the process she was already in for the last few years, a deepening. Everything before was just the prelude. Of course, she does is unaware of this fact, and still very much into the whole new-age spiritual scene with crystals and rituals etc (aka: the stone-age :D), for the moment anyway. She is ready to face a new day now, as am I. I passed the torch onto her (and many others alongside her) Since the big break through I have been feeling increasingly happy. Life has somehow returned, no more void. I taste my food again, am not so tired anymore, and when I open my eyes in the morning, I look forward to the day ahead, I look forward to watching a movie in the evenings, even if I saw it a dozen times already. A few years ago, the bridge over the river that was a set component of my daily walk, washed away. Thus forcing me to change my daily round from walking in all right-turns, to walking the other way, in all left turns. Everything has flipped; the stream has now changed its current and course.

As always, it is our free choice, and our creation, and when we’re done with one role, when we feel ready, and have gone all the way, we simply summon for another. Where in the old days one left the earth when done with a role, now we no longer need to end our life in order to evolve and move on/beyond, when we’re done we feel it, and simply choose differently, we make our statement and lay down our old hat…as after all…we are God.

This God-voice has no emotions or personal opinions attached to it, it is simply void of all that, neutral and immensely loving and certain, I cannot describe it. It has nothing to do with this voice of the personality, which used to complain and whine as she was being pushed to move beyond all her resistance and limitations. The god-voice comes from way beyond. Instead of the helpless wining and begging human voice of victim, now the summoning, decisive voice of God. I came into my God-self.

On Friday, July 19th, I was invited over to one of my neighbours children’s birthday party for some coffee & homemade cake. Their 4-year-old daughter always comes racing toward me from across the street, or wherever she is, as soon as her eye catches my presence. She always runs at me with open arms, expecting to be caught by my even so opened arms, for a big cuddle (which always works btwJ). At one point, outside, while surrounded by a bunch of enthusiastically screaming and playing 3- and 4-year olds (and their totally stressed out parents), tumbling and racing across the lawn, this little girl sat with me, looked at me with her big brown eyes, a bit of a dreamy look on her face, and uttered: “you are beautiful” to me. It takes a 4-year old innocent to see the Truth :D.

That same day, only a few hours before, I found myself in a situation which was totally different. I sat on the terrace downstairs with my landlord and –lady, and I sensed the tension there, amongst them and the kids (2 girls of 13 and 10) as well. My landlord is a bully you know. Not a bad person, as there is no such thing, but just a bully, caught in his own rigid perceptions of life and ‘right and wrong’. He told me he just had a bad nights’ sleep behind him, pain in his back bothering him and stuff. So we started talking. (You must know there have been endless injuries occurring in this family, for many months and years, they all suffer one illness and/or injury after the next). My landlord uttered all kinds of expressions like: ‘in my house things must/will go as I want them’, and ‘if you don’t see things my way, you are wrong’ (literally), totally ignorant to the fact he does not live alone, but in a community of all unique people/personalities. So I said:” I only ever heard dictators speak like that.”

His views of how things must be are also pretty outdated to be honest. This is not an opinion or judgment, but simply a neutral observation. He wishes to raise his kids the way he was raised, with a firm hand, in a very tight mould, you know the drill. His 13-year old daughter, whose hormones have just come into play, and who is discovering her own person, is not taking it too well, as I am sure we can all imagine, (Kids of this day are not the kids of 40 years ago), and neither is his partner, who weighs on him hand and foot. They all facilitate him, because when they don’t, he throws an anger tantrum that freezes everyone in fear, like rabbits caught in the headlights of a car, so they give in. His terror-regime works. He is basically just being a little spoiled brat. Of course, his kind of behaviour sets in motion a whole lot of old mechanisms, triggers more anger and unhappiness in those surrounding him, which they mirror back to him, showing him who he is being. Everyone there is miserable.

Anyway, as we were talking, he expressed his frustration with his kids and family, and, while my landlady was sitting in (we are close), he said how open-minded he was and yadayadayda. It was basically a song of praise on his own views. So I asked him: “Is that really so, are you really open to other views and people?” And he said ‘yes’, and I asked him again, and again he replied ‘yes’. So I asked: “Is it not so, that when one is so rigidly convinced of ones’ own ideas of how things should be, and forces everyone around him to dance to that same tune, one in fact is not open at all, but actually pretty closed off, and cemented in?” That question kind of backed him into a corner. - You must understand here that not in any way did I ever feel a personal involvement here, I was merely neutrally expressing what I had observed for many years, in a very calm non-criticizing way. - He is not used to being questioned/ challenged by anyone, (he has a leading position at his workplace), his family does not argue with him, as he either gets very very angry, or simply tells them he wants his peace and quiet, blocks their attempts,  and sends them off. No one can get through; he will simply never listen to anyone’s feelings on the matter. He is a terrorist basically. (This is how he himself was raised, back in the stone-age, by the patriarch of his family, which was his granddad. My landlord was ‘accidentally’ born out of wedlock, thus raised by his grandparents, and not his mom, who was never together with his dad. He only got to know his (even so bullying) dad when he turned 18).

So I asked him many such questions, kind of confronting indeed, as now he had to question himself, and his motives.  He kept on defending his own views. He got more and more upset, until I saw the man his family always has to deal with, pale faced, trembling with rage, or actually fury. So I asked him: ‘Look at you shaking, you are really angry huh?’ - Of course I could feel the vibration of his anger oozing off him, like waves of buzzing bees in my direction. But inside I remained very calm, neutral (I simply cannot be provoked, as I no longer carry the pain to match that of the old world). - And he answered: “Yes, because you are attacking me, you are not seeing my way, you keep saying other things than I am telling you, you keep contradicting me.’ This in fact was never the case, as he made his statements, and I simply asked him about them. Never at any time was I raising my voice or accusing him of anything, I was in fact simply calmly conversing, where he was attempting to violently force his views on me, like he was used to doing. And normally those around him would back down and agree/give him his way, or simply give up. I did not respond the way he was used to, but instead held up a mirror of love and neutrality for him to look into. I did not flee him, as I was not afraid. Nor did I reward/answer his anger with the same anger/aggression, but instead I stayed very centred, calm and collected, and asked questions.

Normally I do not engage in such issues, I do not meddle in peoples’ business, as to each his own (game), I respect that, and just observe. But this was simply very different. In this instance I very clearly this situation called for it/me. It was simply the god in me speaking. I was not criticizing or attacking, I was not personally involved, it did not come from ego, intervention, or a place of preaching, nor did his anger trigger anything in me. My interaction and motivation came from a very different place, from beyond all that. I was merely offering him the mirror (love) he needed, and his family needed as well. I was, in this moment, being the voice of the god inside him, delivering to him the message he needed/wanted to hear, and the voice of the family that never got a chance to express around him, as he is never willing to listen. Sometimes an ‘outsider’ is simply much better heard than the ‘own people’, as the outsider sheds a different light, brings in a new perspective.

My landlord took it all very personal. Instead of letting his rage chase me off (it simply could not), and walking away, I sat myself down next to him, hugged him, and planted a kiss on his cheek, saying I loved him. (he did not know how to respond, where to look, or what to say, acted totally baffled, in shock, and fell quiet). I also shed some tears as I embraced him, as I found it sad he was so locked in. The many injuries he suffered during these last years were all messages, clear signals/indicators of his stress and blockages, and I shared that information with him. He calmed down and agreed he was stressed. He even admitted I, just now, said some very good things to him.

This may sound disrespectful, but an aggressive dog can generally only stay aggressive for about 3 minutes, in that time it is decided, by the behaviour of the object that triggered the aggression, whether the dog attacks or calms down. When the attack he fears does not come, but is simply met with calm, respect, and non-provocation, the dogs’ aggression normally dies out pretty quickly, as there is nothing to fuel it. Thus my landlord.

After I sat down next to him, he calmed down, and we could actually engage in an open conversation, which took several hours. Now other sounds also came from him, For instance he told me about a book he recently, job-required, read about ‘narcissism’, and how that book had been a mirror to him, he recognised himself in some parts of it. I listened to him (something his family, very understandably, stopped doing long time ago). And also many things I told him about letting go, and the world not caving in when one does so. And how his rigidity was keeping love, and genuine support, from entering his space (he agreed that was true). I was very careful and gentle with him. I told him some things I myself experienced during these last 6 years of processing, examples of letting go and still being okay. We had a pretty good talk actually. But I am well aware, although this event has planted a seed, the battle in their home will continue on, as his family does not believe he can change, they are fed up and their opinion/definition of him is decided/ set. They do not see that in order for him to change, they themselves must also change, and uphold him a different mirror. It was a good day though.

Because the moment my landlord let down his rage/defences, the moment his resistance was broken, an opening was created through which he allowed himself to, if ever so briefly, breathe in the love I was breathing out in his direction. Of course my landlord only plays the role of a bully; it is not who he is, but simply what he does/reflects, for now.

The night hereafter, I dreamt about mosquitoes. Every time when I set foot outside, dozens of razor-sharp tiny fluorescent mosquitoes would sting me. They felt like burning poison ivy, and endless needles being drilled deep into my skin.  I had to remove them one by one, and for some the sting would remain stuck in my skin with tiny hooks. I was covered by burning infesting wounds all over. Each time I attempted to set foot outside the house, a new swarm attacked me, and I could not remove the stings as fast as they were coming in. When I woke up from this dream, that seemed to have taken forever/all night, I felt like having been hit by a truck: pain in my body, flu-symptoms, coughing…and also my period burst lose.

Back in the old days, although unaware at the time, whenever I set foot in the outside world, it would feel like those mosquitoes/the energies of pain humans carried around, would sting and hurt me, and cause festering wounds. So I hid away inside as much as possible. This event with my landlord showed me how deeply anchored in my love I now am, how firmly the god is anchored inside me, and how totally loving and immune I have become to the stings coming my way. (These people (=aspects of myself) served me well, helped me develop, remove the stings, heal the wounds, and see). I was outside among people all day, and nothing pierced through my skin/shield of love and peace anymore, nothing could glue itself onto me, or nestle inside my being. It just all naturally bounces off, cannot find any footing in/with me. This is exactly what used to upset my ‘teachers’ and ‘therapists’ so much when I was young. People use to say: We cannot get a grip on Ilse, she simply does not respond to our pinches the way ‘normal’ people do (once I understood what they were after, I simply copied the behaviour of others who were fit the bill, and were commended, so people would get off my back and leave me be).

The ancient endless cycle of painful action-reaction simply ends with me, it cannot survive. Once it bumps into me, it bounces and slides off my love and peace, to die out right there and then, on the spot. This dream (and the accompanying symptoms, which lasted less than an hour)) showed me a last old, now obsolete piece/fragment of myself being released/ neutralised… Since I left the old role behind, and passed on the torch, it became redundant. Very good indeed J

After a lovely warm summer day I was standing on my balcony, enjoying the evening sundown with my eyes closed, arms wide, the gentle evening sun on my face and skin, the wind caressing me, blowing through my clothes and hair, which was hanging down, moving on the wind. The sweet smell of freshly mown grass, the far away voices of people having a barbeque, children giggling and  playing, birds chattering in the treetops, leaves whispering. The experience was so lovely, I simply forgot’ time’, over an hour I just stood there like that, my body swaying on the warm, firm but gentle breeze, deeply enjoying it…

Right after I was shown how the human=god, but god is not the human. God/love in its original state can neither hear, see, smell, taste or touch, (nor have sex/ make love to itself), that is why hu-man was created (by us). I was shown the original intention behind the creation of earth and mankind. (All the rest –interpretations and derivations- came after it). God cannot feel like humans (or other beings) do, has no emotions, cannot cry or anger etc. God cannot feel/experience the sun and wind on its skin. All god experiences is its eternal self, meaning: love and joy, with no variations in between. Very eagerly, carefully, intelligently and lovingly thus hu-man was created. Ingenuity beyond (human) comprehension…A work of art, a labour of love, in order to be able to express love in form, and experience it in all its facets. Creation brings us/god joy, and by its joy it can create near-to-life experiences, in virtual worlds. Life indeed is a gift we gave our self. One where, by free will, we can make from whatever we choose/want, get out of what we think is in it, without any plans, agendas or restrictions. It was never the original intention that the emphasis would be on fear and pain, that those would become the centre points around which life would gravitate, but since free will accidentally brought us there, we decided to experience and explore it while we were there, for just a little while. Gods’ interest solely lies in the (experiencing of) the many creative processes, in the play itself (not the many results that naturally come of it, as those also undergo constant changes, they evolve as the play progresses…There IS no set goal to achieve). There is no pre-destination, we are actually naturally void of destination and purpose, we are simply in it for the endless game/process. All the explanations earthlings (and non-earthlings) gave to divinity and life were of course incorrect, but free visions/ perspectives to explore. (This so called 'ascension' is merely a speeding up, and intensifying of the process/play that had already been going on, been underway for thousands of  'years', so that a new game could /can commence. We simply decided to skip everything in-between, race through the last chapters, and go straight to the finish line/new beginning, as we were (God was) done with this story)And there is not one soul on this world, child or adult, that, on a deeper level, has not chosen to be right where he is now at, to look in the mirrors he/she currently sees into (that basically god holds up for him/herself), just so that he/she has an opportunity to create him/herself a new path, beyond where he/she is currently at. Roles are being played, thus experienced and examined. In the new time this will no longer be as it is now, the veil will be all lifted and gone, everyone will be born with full awareness of his/her god-self, and what he/she wishes to ‘do’ or ‘be’ here, and to change that original ‘pre-ordination’ at will. It will be all out in the open.

In fact, this above information came to me accompanied by the image of a child alone in a room, playing with tin soldiers… And in fact this image carried such a deep impression of loneliness, that it moved me to tears. It simply felt like a lonely child that distracts itself by playing, as no one ever comes, and it has nothing else to do. (God cannot express these things, except through and by the human form…showing it to me by images that trigger a feeling…that is the only tool god/we has/have). Let’s just make this Life a joyful experience now, like it was originally intended to be. Gods’ voice is very compelling.

This website is the legacy I leave behind, a road-map for all those who need/seek it, of the path uncovered. It lies there now, naked and bare for all to see, for those who seek to find, for all who knock to be opened upon, and for those who ask to be given to.

All those years where I wrote to Michael, as I was undergoing my process of cleansing, telling him everything that was happening with me, describing all the ‘secrets’ I uncovered, I was being the voice of his heart, of the God inside him, putting into words what our hearts had known and felt all those years ago, being the mirror of purity he needed to look into, thus bringing my Heaven onto his Earth. His ever- continuing (mirror of) silence pushed me to go ever deeper, delve ever deeper into my being, excavating. The same way the love- waves served to blast away each and every bit of resistance I had to the pure innocence and love we embodied, in order to lay bare the God within, so my words bashed away at the dams of his resistance to love, until they broke and crumbled, and love could flow…once again.

The call of my love, my god-voice, is so strong, it pulls on his heart, and he cannot withstand and contain himself for much longer. The same way I could not withstand the voice that called/ summoned me to quit my job and leave the old reality behind, all those years ago. A compelling voice of sheer and deep joy, excitement and crying freedom...one must simply obey and follow. The divine/God has now descended completely into me, and is totally anchored in . I now see everything only through divine eyes, being both human and god in /as one.

In the same way I am the Voice of the God within all those who read this, I am the voice of your own heart, of the God inside you, who guided you here to read these words, to look into my/your mirror of truth and purity. With these words I bring my Heaven onto your Earth, plant my seed into thy womb, where it may be nurtured, evolve, grow and flourish, until it has come full-term, breaks free, and births into this world. I am the pure open channel of loving innocent divinity that brings these words to those who were asking, seeking and knocking. Gods’ loving innocence flows through me like the unstoppable force of life itself, a great nourishing flood from beyond, bringing new life,  exhilarating, foaming, frolicking, waves upon waves of heavenly bliss rush through me, barely containable, joy, o joy…. uplifting me to heights beyond measure (of time and space, or even comprehension). The words and drawings pouring out of me come from a place far beyond (me)…bigger and more powerful than life itself… pure divine ecstasy filling me. Deep freeing breaths, full of emotion.

All the beauty, abundance and love I carry within, I see now coming back to me, reflected back at me via the world/reality surrounding me; by Michael, peoples’ donations, support, gifts and the kind words of gratitude coming my way.

In order to receive such gifts (our own love & abundance mirrored back at us), one must first learn to open up, and receive, to see and hear divinity. God= the void. That’s why Gods’ voice can only be heard in the stillness, the emptiness, the silence. One can only truly come to the God within through the desert, the absence of all things and activities, the undefined, ’deprivation’ if one wishes to call it that. In the void one is still, unhindered, becomes uncluttered, and discovers the true nature of being and creation, from peace and quiet.

Looking into the void = looking into yourself, coming face to face with your own core being/essence. For many humans in ‘the process’ it is boot camp. The stillness that surrounds you, the emptiness you are in, where you are forced to look at/face your own demons, in order to rise above and beyond them. Where you are being emptied out, dropping every illusion of who you are not, alone, morphing, rewiring/ recreating/ reconstructing yourself, and nothing moves or manifests, except for those things that support you in learning to see with new eyes, and learning to hear with new ears. Dropping off/doing away with all the illusions, all that is not truly you. Until finally you reach the neutral centre-point/point-zero, and recognise your true Self, your core innocent essence. Until you yourself have become/are the reflection of the void/love. And by this, you facilitate change in everyone that, in turn, looks into (the mirror of) you. This is how God brings about change on the Earth, by changing the mirror-reflections, thus offering itself a new image/theme to look into. The same way any cunningly placed chain of ordinary mirrors reflects light to illuminate the inside of a building or basement, or to simply transfer an image from mirror to mirror, even over great distance.

Some simply had to go first, cut free a trail, create a path, pave the way, and change themselves (some also transmuted the old energy stored in the earth, filtering it, making it all new), in order to become the mirror the world/game needed. From there, the rest flows/transfers all by itself, a natural process. Change yourself, the image/reflection you send/breathe out, and you change the world.

This void is created by no one other than you. The God inside you thus forces itself to step back, detach itself from the physical, and look into all the surrounding (self-created) mirrors. The mirror of silence and void that brings about the anxiety that needs to be released, the mirrors of situations (like for instance illness/dis-ease, both your own as those of others), and people that carry a message to you, showing you who you are being, thus asking/urging /offering you to decide for yourself what does and does not fit you, who you are and who you are not.  It all begs/forces you to go/move beyond and choose, to be God/void/love, and decide your own reality. Without rejecting any of the mirrors that you held up for yourself in the process, in the form of people (=you) and circumstances (=you), as they are all you, and merely serve you.  It all serves you. It was and is always you.

It’s like going through a picture book, looking at/into all the pictures, and deciding which one(s) is(are) you, which ones reflect best what you feel inside (for that moment)…Some need to look very long at certain pictures, and need to play a certain role very extensively, before deciding they are done with it and moving on, turning a new page. (‘mother’, ‘bully’, ‘sister’, ‘lover’, ‘son’, ‘victim’,’ abuser’, ‘caretaker’, ‘musician’, ‘politician’, ‘(cancer-)patient’, ‘fat person’, ‘ugly duckling’, ‘nurse’, etc…All roles facilitating each other, as mirrors). As I mentioned before, it is all just a very cunning game of dress up. In the old world this was all taking place under the veil, without awareness of own creative divinity. In the new world this takes place in full awareness of ones’ divine creativity and influence.

So…be aware, and take your power back.

It takes great awareness, detachment and observation. A constant conscious awareness and decision not to let yourself get dragged into all those thoughtless, automatic responses/ reactions the old world is so very accustomed to, as they are used to simply blindly projecting back everything they see and feel around them, allowing everything they are confronted with to program and decide their responses for them, like a projection screen without a will/choice of its own. (Everything that matches/reflects each other is always brought together, as one functioning whole, be it pleasant or unpleasant. It is which ever you choose it to be). One does not need to take on the pain and discomfort the world around you attempts/wishes to invoke in/bestow upon you.

Humans reflect/mirror each other, the earth takes in human consciousness, and in turn projects/breathes it out into the universe, where the hall/chain of mirrors thus continues, and a transfer takes place, mirroring/breathing in and out the energy-imprint from world to world. Each world using/adjusting it to perfectly fit its own unique requirements.

It all truly is one big hall of mirrors: The moon reflects the sunlight. The left side of the earth reflects the right side, the downside the upside (polar opposite reflections). Water reflects the sky: the canyons, plant life and fish beneath the water mirror the mountains, plant life and birds above water. The upper part of the body mirrors the lower part of the body: brains reflect bowels (both digesting input/information/food). G-spot and prostate reflect the pineal gland. Clitoris and top of the penis reflect the pituitary gland. Vagina and penis reflect the throat. The heart reflects the navel and solar plexus area. Arms mirror legs. The senses in the face (eyes, nose, ears, and taste) reflect the sensibility in the genitals/sex-organs. Up= the mouth where food goes in (intake), down= the mouth/anus where food comes out (excretion).

The upper part of the body serves mostly the intake of information; the lower part of the body mostly serves the excretion. Of course there is feminine in masculine, and masculine in feminine, and so we can also throw up via the mouth (=up), breathe both in and out (excretion) through the mouth (and nose), and receive semen/babies via the vagina (=down) as well as excreting babies via the same entrance/opening, to name just a few examples. (Divine/ethereal energy is received via the solar plexus, working it’s way through the body both upward and downward. Also the sex-organs/glands receive energy/information, sending it ‘up’, while the glands in the head excrete hormones that work their way downward throughout the body, etc. so up = down, and down = also up, exit=entrance and entrance= also exit. The masculine brings it outward (material), the feminine takes it inward (ethereal). I am sure you can figure out the rest for yourself. (I wrote about all these things loooooong time ago, in the (illustrated) articles about the 11:11, and crop circles, etc. )

It is simply all one big hall of mirrors, (in) the image of God. Gods’ image reflected (in)to infinity. It is all one (big) closed circle/system/circulation, one round whole.

It was/is all created by you and for you. This process of cleansing you force onto yourself, to teach yourself, so that you may look into yourself, to learn to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears, to teach yourself to truly and clearly ‘listen’ & ‘see’, above and beyond all illusions, in order to be(come) the God you truly are. This is ‘the splitting of the ‘red sea’…as in fact, there was never any sea to begin with, it was always just an illusion.

It is your own (low or high) vibration that decides how ‘thin’ or ‘thick’ your reality flows. As all reality is fluid. A high vibe (=love) has a very swiftly and effortlessly flowing reality. A low vibration (=not love) has a very sluggish, lumpy movement :D

The void/love invites you to drop all definition, to move beyond all the illusions of the flesh…as your core essence = (the) void.  You are the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. It all begins and ends with you. And then, uncluttered, beyond all illusions, you are ready to see into the mirror of truth, the core (you), of pure original innocent love, and create anew, from a different perspective.

This is in fact where I come/came/originate from, ‘before’ (also) coming into the flesh/on the earth. I come from ‘The Beginning’, from that which is first, pure and straight from the core/ source, the original state, the point of origin. Not from any derivative or world, as those come/came ‘later’, ‘after’ the core, created by/from and out of the core.

Everything (world/reality) flows forth from (and back to) the void…from us…We breathe out love & creation. We are the one heart, circulating the blood of life to legions of cells; we are the lungs that filter life.


...To be continued soon by a (last) small piece I have already written, but cannot yet publish, as it has not yet come to pass...:D


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