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High Spirits

The Prelude:


This Earth and her people have been existing under a veil of illusion. The illusion is the notion of separation from God, as if God is this great deity somewhere in the sky or ‘heaven’ and humans are supposed to pray and plea to it, grovel and suffer, feel guilty and afraid etc. As if some dude in the sky pulls all the strings. Humans also believe they are the only species in all of creation, and that if there were other beings out there, they would surely be ill-willed.

This world lived under the veil of separation, fear and lack for millennia…a very dark and dense, heavy cloud. Human Earth-bound souls have been incarnating for millennia on the Earth, playing this same game over and over again…and now this experiment is over and it’s time humans find out who they really are, and were brought back home, back into the light of unity and holism.

The veil that was placed over the Earth eons ago was a Divine experiment. Who put it there? We/God did..

From the beginning of time God has had a deep longing and desire to know himself (and although I say ‘he’, God is in fact genderless, both male and female in perfect balance), which drove him into contemplation and eventually creation of worlds, all variable reflections of itself.

God is light and dark, male and female, everything we carry inside. These types of descriptions can still be found in ancient scripture…like many other clues of what has been going on with this world and why…and clues about what was to come. Except over the millennia those ancient texts got distorted because of the ego-rulership humans got sucked into. Texts were adjusted/distorted to indoctrinate and overpower others. -in fact, most biblical texts of the old testament aren’t even Jewish in origin but way older-.

The Ego was originally designed to distinguish ‘you’ from ‘me’ as God is One, and in order to play the game of different personalities on this Earth adequately, it needed to install on itself this tool. Although we may appear separate beings, we are all the same one God inside. All beings are different aspects of the same one God, just operating on different frequencies to ensure multiple and maximum experiences.

Under the veil, the ego got to think it was all there was, and got into a mode of screaming so loud, in survival modus, the inner voice of God could hardly be heard anymore. Due to the veil of separation, humans forgot they were God and got lost in the game of right and wrong. They had lost their bearings and were afraid, felt alone and abandoned. Since they thought they were separated from God, they separated everything else as well. The world became a reflection of how humans felt inside. They felt lost, cut off…and it made them lash out in pain at everything on the outside…at the other Gods/humans surrounding them. When the real treasure, the Holy Grail if you will, was to be found on the inside all along…if only they were able to silence the ego-pain-body, overcome their fears, stop the re-active behaviour and listen to the inner voice.

In stead of honouring each individual and every race and culture for their unique offerings, they separated it all. Racism is a clear result. The borders they made between their countries were also a clear reflection of the feeling of separation they felt inside. So was the gap that arose between men and women, the male and female energies. They started battling over basically everything. As such, the male and female energy currents within each individual human also got disrupted.

Humans started distrusting their perfectly designed Divine Bodies as this unnatural imbalance, which blocked the natural flow of energies, caused for dis-ease to occur. They were causing their own dis-ease but did not know it.

Sexuality, which was intended a Sacred Gift of expression, to remember the vibrations of home by, was demeaned into a purely physical type of “getting off”. Sex has been used to fill the void inside, as have many other material/physical things like drugs, alcohol and food. People try to use sex as a pain- & stress-relief, among other things, yet it only makes their pain worse. After the deed she returns in full force. Sex even sells, thus reflecting the inner sickness. Body and mind are one, but humans could not see that. The game named Duality.

The world of perfect harmony and balance had disappeared like Avalon into the mist (In fact this old tale tells of this event, as do many others). Adam and Eve were ‘cast’ out of paradise. The murdering and bloodshed of brethren began. Innocence & Paradise lost. With the veil also came the inevitable separation of worlds. There are so many conspiracy theories and fears roaming this planet about aliens and evil spirits and the ‘devil’…and none of it holds any truth. They are human interpretations and creations of things they could not comprehend, clouded by fear as everything got seen through a filter of terror.

Nothing in the whole of creation or in Earths and Humanities history has, or ever had, anything to do with the doom and gloom stories or conspiracy theories. Neither does the Planetary Ascension Process, it is as pure, well-intended and loving a gift as can be. And as Earth becomes the Ascended Earth Star, so does all of creation get to enjoy the higher vibrations that are being released by the process. All worlds & realms are moving ‘up’ alongside Earth and each other. From lower to higher worlds. This process provides everyone with new and fresh energies they previously did not have at their disposal. Only Earth and humans can bring this about. The released density serves to create new dense worlds.

Everything is vibration and all is energy. The material consists of nothing but condensed/compressed energy/light, arranged in different ways. Creation comes about by tones/colours/vibrations. The lower the vibration, the denser the energy structure. And the only thing keeping it all together and in place is God/us. We/God are in all that surrounds us. We make everything come alive and real. Love and joy are high energies/vibrations. You know this as they can make you feel as if you’re flying –think about falling/being in love-. Fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, pain and lack are low vibrations that store inside your cells and make you ill -This is where the word de-pressed comes from-. Low vibrations clip your wings and keep you from soaring.

The veil of separation caused an imbalance in the male-female energies on this Earth and within each human. This world turned into a patriarchal dominated society, where mental, analytical processes were overruling the softer voice of female intuition and nurturing. Money was invented and given all the power and importance. Material gain was the game. The Divine Human gave away its power to the material. When in fact we define the material, the material does not define us.

Humanity became intoxicated with the material and the ego re=activeness. It became drunk, like a ship tossed around in high seas, and lost sight of the shore. This imbalance of dominating male energy set off a number of events and had many consequences. All female energies got doomed and forced into a submissive role (by the religions mostly)…they were suppressed and overrun. To this day the female is being humiliated –Mary was labelled a whore and Eve and Lillith got blamed for everything else-. The masculine ego came to rule the world.

Male energies are analytical, action-based, re-active and predominantly outside material/physical satisfaction oriented – Mind you I am not necessarily talking about men persé, but they do tend to feel more comfortable around these traits as opposed to women-. The masculine is the outside energy and the feminine is the inside energy, like the sun and the moon. The ‘action man’ became the norm and the ‘hero’. The illusion arose that man always needed to fight, take control and be busy and work hard to achieve goals. Survival of the fittest. The current sexual behaviours as well as the created systems, laws and rules are a clear reflection of what happens when the male rules the world and fear has free reign, without the necessary female energy to balance it. It gets ‘out of hand’. Too much sun will scorch the land. (Water & wind are feminine, fire and earth are masculine).

Mechanical material gain became prevalent and hoarding was the result…at the expense of everything else. Thought-creation was forgotten about, the voice of intuition silenced…and even if some who knew the truth would step up from time to time, they were sure to be ridiculed, silenced, tortured and killed – like Jesus-. No Teacher had it easy during these times, but never the less they came here time and again to help keep the memory alive. Still those who know are centre of judgment and mockery to name the least responses. The beast is not easily slain.

This is only natural, as lower vibrations cannot exist in the same space as higher vibrations, and so they get triggered for release and transmutation only by being around the higher vibes. Clashing vibes cause for movement to occur...for energy to become unstuck...and released. However, the messengers sent here always just share what they know, freely and out in the open without trying to force anything on anyone. Simply placing it in the room for all to see and do with as they so choose...
-Jesus never asked nor desired to be idolized or worshipped; he came to remind humanity about its divine royal heritage. He already said it:”The kingdom of God is found within” Sadly he got mis-interpreted...but this had been foreseen.

Male and female energies were originally designed to be in perfect balance, just like the light and dark…Balanced energies make for a neutral harmonious world…and heart-based creation. For the highest good of both the individual and the collective. All men and women have both a male & female energy current inside them. Left and right brain halves steering the opposing half of the body. –Earth also has these opposing currents going on, as geomancy, for instance, confirms- There is always light within the dark and dark within the light, male within female and female within male (remember the yin yang symbol or the Mayan Hunab Ku).

The illusion of separation caused for fear to roam free. Out of fear people started acting strangely. They started warring on each other out of feelings of lack and jealousy. Someone always had to be right and another always had to be wrong. ‘Good’ vs. ‘bad’, ‘winners’ vs. ‘losers’ and I’m sure the rest of the imbalance is very clear looking at the world around you. It has permeated every smallest aspect of human society. The story of the ‘battle’ between good and evil can be traced in any movie and/or tale on this Earth. Humans got lost within their own drama, and personalized everyone else’s pain. Hate got responded to with hate, and pain was rewarded with more pain. An endless chain.

The bible speaks about fallen angels and all kinds of other mis-interpretations…But the fallen angel is really humanity….who fell from consciousness…losing all their higher abilities. They fell from existing in unity and balance with all things and life-forms, in their natural God-state, to the deplorable state seen today. And they have been homesick ever since.

Mind you, God wanted this experience…WE decide to explore this…”What would happen if humanity got to be ‘separated’ from its Gods essence?” we asked our self. – Besides that, God still has a vague recollection of deriving from a larger collective itself as well. The separation as instigated here, could be helpful to help God remember how to re-unite with these other aspects of itself, the same way all humans are individual unique aspects/expressions of the one God or Source. God-sparks-. Aside from that, the same way an eclipse works: put a temporarily lid over the light and it returns even stronger, in full force and vigour once the lid gets taken off again. Fully renewed and re-charged!

Although this may be a difficult concept to embrace for many, all humans on this Earth, in whatever situation they may exist, have chosen to be right where they are. They chose, and are choosing that particular experience. They are free to make different choices at any given moment.

Instead of flowing with the divine current, people started being against everything. Polarised. The veil was always an illusion as well, and if people wanted to they could always pass through it and re-unite with their God-self merely by willing it. Some ancient practices as seen in Eastern cultures but also Egyptians, show techniques that could be used to re-unite with the God-Self or at least raise in vibration. This is what the Pyramids were constructed for, among other purposes. However all those techniques were inadequate and are now obsolete. Humanity simply forgot. And so their fear only grew…and so did the darkness.

God is all there is…nothing that exists cannot be God you see. Also the fear and lack, aka darkness, comes from God, we created it just like we create everything else. We breathe life into everything around us. Wherever we place our focus becomes a reality.

God is the light within the dark and the dark within the light, the male within the female and the female within the male…when in balance these energies are neutral and non-reactive. What you see in the outside world is very re-active. Humans re-act immediately to everything around them, usually in anger and fear…lashing out at everyone. Or they diminish themselves, loosing themselves in worship and idolisation of energies outside of themselves. And they want to control everything….when the real treasure lies in the letting go. People should stop trying so hard…or at all.

Humanity placed everything outside of itself. Focussing outward instead of inward, where God resides. They allowed themselves to become re-active to and ruled by outside circumstances, unaware that they were in fact the ones creating them. They gave all their power away. Blaming everyone else, including the God-deity in ‘heaven’ for their misfortune. So they begged and grovelled. A never ending cycle of cause and effect, action and re-action…without ever taking time out into the stillness to turn inward, nor would they allow others to do so.

If only humans were to step back and turn inward into centeredness, they would know that if they don’t give any attention or fuel to undesired situations, and focus on the calm inner knowing that God provides all; solutions would present themselves as if by magic. If only they would get out of their own way. -this is what the story about the Israelites and their 40 year journey through the desert is really about. – The story isn’t even Jewish in origin; it is much older than that, like most biblical stories-.

Right now many humans worldwide are being stripped of everything they deemed important…they are being offered the opportunity, the contrast, to support them in surrendering all they thought they knew and needed…and acknowledge that what seemed such a big deal, is really of no importance at all. Humans are being pressured to let go. Things must be yanked from their cramping clutches to help them surrender to the divine way and order.  The violent weather patterns force people to slow down…and support one another…

The veil was placed so humans could expand, or learn if you will, through contrast, contrast of light and dark, duality. According to their own thought patterns, they would be offered a dark experience so that this unpleasant contrast to what feels good and loving, would help them make higher choices for themselves…raise their vibration level.

Humans who fear attract the manifestation of all their fears.

This is the planet of free will, free choice. Humans are free to choose their perspective on things and the experience they will gain from it. This Earth was designed a world of free –joyful- experience and creation. So if the human gods wish(ed) to suffer…so be it. We all know by now thoughts/intentions create things. Thoughts are vibrations we send out into the universe/the Divine, they are energies which attract like energies. Dark fearful thoughts are just as creative as light and joyful ones. We have the free choice which we wish to experience. This planet is not, and never was, a world of learning, but a world of free experience, expression and expansion…you can soar as high as you allow yourself to. We are as free as we allow ourselves to be.

there was a designated time-period agreed upon. The duality world was to last for a certain amount of ‘time’ only…the experiment was limited by a fixed time-frame….then ‘Michael’ would come and slay the beast/dragon (aka the darkness of Ego)…and contrary to what some humans still believe, there is no devil but the one they see in the mirror…There never was.

Archangel Michael’ is also not a singular individual or person in that sense, but a collective group-consciousness, the Michael-matrix or Realm of Michael, with the task of governing & monitoring the Divine Energies throughout all worlds. This information also got distorted through time. The so called "Angelic" realms are hubs where different energies connect together...They are worlds of consciousness-types, as are humans, all carrying their own 'theme'...Except they have no concept of duality, they are pure intelligence, innocense, love and harmony.

Humans all carry unique traits and talents so they can all complement each other. Like a puzzle with perfectly matching pieces. No need to be jealous of anyone, we should be so glad someone else carries the ability to fill in for what we don’t have to offer ourselves. We are one body. We should revere and honour each other for our uniqueness, not judge it.

Anyway…Time is now up.

The ancient scriptures mention ‘judgment day’ and the Mayan calendar also mentions similar things. The Native Americans still tell stories about it….But, since they all lived in the fear matrix; this too was/is a source of concern and fear to them. Many humans think the world will end in fire and chaos after 2012. This is not the case. But it will transform…change…drastically. -The Mayan calendar carried knowledge of things to come; this knowledge is way older than the Mayans themselves were. The memory of it was passed on as many ancient peoples carried over their stories to the next generation-. 

These changes are already underway due to the work Light Warriors have done throughout especially the last decade, but it actually already began with Jesus, he was the forerunner and gave the clarion call that started the process. He made the first tare in the veil. -‘The veils of the temple tore as he passed over’ the Bible says-. Since that day, things have been speeding up, look at the developments on Earth in only the last 100 years, faster and faster.

After 2012 the old world of fear & lack will have lost its footing because of all this preparation work behind the scenes, and the New Earth and Humanity will rise as the old world diminishes and falls away. The ground work will have been all done by then. Armageddon or the Apocalypse (did you know the word apocalypse means ‘lifting of the veil’)…Once the veil is fully lifted by the Light Warrior Beings on this planet, the Truth shall be known and the old world of separation will cease to be. This transition process will take several years still though.

Systems must be transformed as gentle as possible but there will be chaos and turmoil never the less. People usually do not change or learn unless the message is brought to them in a way they cannot overlook or ignore…by being pressured and/or shocked. Contrast. Humans tend to frantically hold onto everything for dear life. Death is nothing to get so upset about either, it is merely a transition as well…Nobody leaves before their time. Everything is always in perfect divine order.

The imbalances in energies are the reason humans carry all kinds of diseases, physical as well as societal (The word already states it: dis-ease, a state of not being at ease. Humanity knows deep in its heart the way they live is not the way, it is not in alignment with who they are…with the God inside….and being out of alignment with Self, with God, causes dis-ease). Light Warriors such as myself, came here to release humanity of its self-made burden and scan out all ‘viruses’.

God needs to create…from the Heart. Gods’ essence is love and joy. Joyful loving creation for the highest good of Self and the Whole. The human gods simply forgot this. One would think people would have learned by now that if one balance on the Earth, within nature, is disturbed, it influences a myriad of other deeply intertwined systems. The only one unbalancing this perfect organism called Earth, and the perfect organism called the human body, are the divine humans.

Earth is currently ascending/transitioning back into unity. The fields that were separated for so long, spirit and matter, male and female, inner and outer, above and below, now merge back together again. (The mental and physical/material planes are masculine, the emotional and spiritual planes are feminine). Humans see change happening all around them, systems crumble, chaos and violent weather patterns alongside earthquakes and volcano outbreaks. It is all blamed on global warming and pollution…and although this too is adding to it, the reason Earth is acting up is because as we rise in vibration and consciousness, so does she. The Light Warriors’ expansion sends shockwaves out into the world. The grids the Light Warriors cleaned are being re-arranged. The whole template of Earth and humanity is currently being changed and brought back into pristine condition. So…she shakes, cries and howls…as do the Light Warriors alongside her.

The old dies away as the new comes to pass...called into existence...like a phoenix rising from the ashes...

Things are always in perfect divine order. Certain dark experiences needed to be made in order for individuals to evolve the way they set out to do, to become who they need/set out to be and take on the role they intended to play.The game of contrast. In the old energy people expanded and experienced through contrast and cause- and effect-thinking. In the New Energy all that has dissipated and been replaced by creation through unity and balance. A whole new ballgame which is also referred to as Christ- or Crystal consciousness. And this is what is happening in the world right now. People and systems are forced to change because the vibrations are changing…Nothing hidden and untrue can remain so…the veil is being lifted and all darkness rises to the surface to be seen and disposed of.

The collective human heart is being welded back together again, the masculine and the feminine, the light and the darkness brought back into balance. The 2 brain halves merged and functioning as one through the re-connection of the pineal and pituiry glands. The Great Re-union. The Sacred Marriage between female and male, spirit and matter. Once these fields/brain halves have re-connected and all the density is cleared from our system-cells, the path is freed for the full activation of the dormant DNA, step by step. This will mean our new/old higher multi-dimensional abilities can re-surface, humans will become increasingly telepathic again etc.

The coming years many old energy based systems will fall. The world is being offered a lot of contrast right now…the opportunity to make better & higher choices for the individual and the collective. For the highest good of ALL involved. There will be no more small minorities manipulating and governing the Earth. The old energies of fear and lack are now globally being triggered to the surface…they have to as there is no more room for them, their space is getting smaller and smaller through the work the Light Warriors did…Tons of ancient debris on which whole societies were built are being cleared away. Dualities dark foundations are yanked from underneath it and will have no choice but to rebuild in unity…the way of purity.

In the new energy everyone carries the responsibility for themselves as sovereign beings. Help is given when asked…or freely declined and still it’s okay...no one gets upset because they know they are God and okay regardless…and one is free to say no if something does not resonate. No one lays their burden on another…because there will be no burdens to carry. Burdens can be thrown off in a jippy. The blaming and leaching off each other will cease. There will be no more telling others what to do or how to be. One can say yes or no or change their minds and no one will get upset. There will be total openness, honesty and transparency. In fact…the unity, beauty and love will become seen in all things. All aspects will be integrated; nothing or no one will be left out. As one learns to trust in the inner voice, in Self, ones’ confidence soars…and then there is never anyone that can take anything from you or do anything to you…ever again.

People will learn to put themselves first and will leave each individual to its sovereignty. Of course we can help each other if asked and we have the room to do so. One cannot pour from an empty cup. First and foremost one must fill its own cup to the point of overflow, only then does one have the abundance, energy and means to support another. We must be the best we can be for ourselves first. There is simply no need for self-sacrifice even though this is what has been taught for millennia, that one must sacrifice for another…Well…it is simply not true!…And as one can clearly see, the pouring from empty cups only leads to more empty cups…the world of empty cups is now running itself into the ground!-

Your life in abundance was ensured the day you were born on this planet. It is your birth-right. Be calm and still and listen to your heart where the voice of God speaks. This is a world of plenty…God created it that way…and we all have the endless potentials of the Divine at our disposal…all we have to do is create it. If you can think it, then you can be it.

The New Energy is one of freedom and receiving. Creating is not based on Ego-wants but on what comes from the heart. The new energy is free of ritual, techniques, dogma, rules and memberships. The new energy is without any purpose or agenda There is nothing to do or achieve in the new energy, it is all about Self confidence and being. Total trust in Self. The new neutral energy now permeating this Earth is totally control-free. It is based on love, detachment and receiving; it does not hang onto anything but lets it flow freely…it is not governed by what goes on outside, but brings the inside out….expresses into form what the heart desires and the individual thus vibrates for all to enjoy! It loves it to life, attracts it by being it. It’s all about receiving without having to do anything in return! Humanity has to learn how to freely receive again. There are no responsibilities to take on or tasks to achieve. It is mostly about basking and being totally free in joy and gratitude...living out al our joys...

Ascension adds extra dimensions to life on planet Earth. Instead of things being either right or wrong, there can now be endless variations in between and beyond…and many realms to interact with. Humanity can rid herself of all her self-inflicted limited views and embrace and utilize the unlimited potentials it carries. There will be no more points to score, hurt egos in the way, or goals to achieve. There will be no obligations, agendas or time-schedules Time will run differently or cease all together as people slow down and take the utmost out of each eternal now-moment. The rat race will come to an end.

Humans, after the Great Cleanse, will regain free & full access to their higher abilities, such as telepathy etc...

Humans will cease to live for the future and will fully embrace the now. There will be no more idolization or following of anything or anyone but the inner voice…finally humans will have the Self-confidence to do so, and will not be so insecure and afraid they rather leave it all into the hands of another and follow the ‘leader’. No longer will humans sacrifice for another out of false belief-systems but will leave each individual to their game in the full knowledge all are Gods and responsible for themselves. The guilt will cease to be. As humanity reaches centre-point within it will embrace its own Greatness…and thus embrace the greatness in each individual…Every human being will be revered and respected for the unique piece of the puzzle they come to offer…their Gift to the Whole. No one will feel less than another and try to bring another down due to the feelings of inadequacy they themselves carry, because all will be aware of their own uniqueness and importance…and will love it. Humanity will fall in love with itself…finally!

Some are here to bake bread; others are here to teach the world…all are equally ‘important’ and loved. We are all vital organs of the one body. This shall be honoured within and without. Each individual shall be thankful for another that can offer what he/she does not have herself.

There will be endless peace…within and without. Paradise restored.

The transition from the old energy into the new energy was/is a very long and arduous journey…but well worth it in the end/beginning. It may appear chaotic and brutal in the outside world right now, but these are growing pains…and all is always in Perfect Divine Order.

The biblical story about the exodus from Egypt is in fact much older than the Jewish culture that put it to paper, and it was never a factual event but a parabel of ancient times that foretold the Ascension in times to come...

This is the time of the Great Shift, the Apocalypse or Armageddon, and it is not just an ending for this world, but a transformation and joyful new beginning as well…Earth and humanity will emerge from the cocoon of morphing into a Bright New Day as fully winged divine butterflies.

And mind you…this Ascension of Earth has very little to do with the New Age arena and its followers…nor with any other spiritual bias/assumptions known thus far on this earth…In fact, those that have been enmeshed in the New Age and spiritual arena for the majority of their lives are the ones with the most illusions to unravel and let go of. The spiritual arena is loaded with BS (old Belief Systems and Dogmas)…as is the non-spiritual arena. All that was assumed and accepted as truth thus far must be released.

You are deeply Loved and highly revered throughout all Universes!




The same story as told here above...only in a different language, in the form of an animation made by one of my Light Warrior friends from New Zealand...(who was a tiny bit upset with her Light Warrior task at the time I might add...)...Enjoy!

The Bluff





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shiva shakti

posted Jan 6, 2018, 9:09 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Jan 6, 2018, 9:10 AM ]

Coming home - cardinal grand cross 2014 - creating reality

posted Apr 15, 2014, 3:33 PM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Apr 27, 2014, 6:22 PM ]

Okay, after this Coming Home, the currently underway events with the cardinal grand cross etc invited me to expand/zoom in on that abit more, and share the following:

This way the first gramophone was created:  sound/speech/vibration was guided through a cone, which ended/transferred onto a thin membrane, which in turn attached/transferred to a needle, which thus transferred/pressed/stamped the vibration-pattern onto/into a spinning disc of wax, thus the disc catching the vibration in/onto a concrete form…and vice versa: spinning the disc of (now hardened-out set) wax, with a needle following (in) the grooves, thus transferring that needle-vibration-pattern onto a membrane, which in turn was then amplified through a cone…

and the same way light gets caught in the eye, and translated into a form/image...

The same way thought-vibration gets transferred…and made into solid form/reality….

They are all projections...mirrors

I am sure you see how it is all one and the same



 

 

 

Now see how the eclipses form the same geometry…and the cardinal grand cross being sandwiched in between the two….




meaning the eclipses serve to amplify the vibration…

the lunar eclipse (and the time up to the lunar eclipse) is basically the breathing in (=input), the cardinal grand cross is the actual stamp, stamping in the new reality, nailing/stamping it to the cross/earth, catching the vibe onto the disc…and then the following solar eclipse (=output) serves to breathe out the now set/solidified vibration into form/material reality

So whatever reality was created in energy during the time prior (=the breathing in),  gets stamped in, and breathed out on the other side of the sandwich, with the solar eclipse….transformed/translated from vibration/energy into solid form….

same way a trumpet works, you blow on/in it on one end, sound/tone comes out the other end *

the wind (non-physical/ethereal/energy) being translated into tone (physcial/material/solid form)...


and same as:

Divine Counterparts and the 11:11 

 

 The 8-loop being the blueprint basic principle to creation (in this universe anyway)

the grand cross is the (energy of swirling air/vortex) point of stamping/tranformation/translation in between the 2 cones, the middle-point(s) of the 8...It is the time-lock where past (spirit/feminine, lunar-eclipse and mars-retrograde), present and future (matter/masculine, solar-eclipse) meet, and a new reality clicks into place.

See in the crop circle image here above the eclipses in the middle of the cross, which are also a projecting eye? (This crop circle actually appeared many years ago already)

Our thoughts are like a projection, they compose/draw/project a certain image onto a blank canvas, the way a movie projector does onto a screen...like seeing into a mirror...at some point we simply step through the mirror and become that mirror-reflection/ projection... we step onto the canvas and become part of our projection, it has thus become a material reality. (an image is after all nothing more then a light-vibration creating a form). This is what happens with this cardinal grand cross and the 2 eclipses as well...the cross is the stamp/flipping point, and the solar eclipse is where we step onto the canvas and become our projection, become a physical part of all we thought up (=breathing in) before the lunar eclipse....the solar eclipse is where we are being breathed out...

Same way years ago, the melting together/merging of Michael and I imprinted a vibration in me, an image/projection planted deep within my soul and body, of true love/original innocense, the purity i then had to work my way to become.

And same way Michael, without knowing it, -being my mirror-reflection, the mirror of my soul- was actually preparing and creating the reality i was projecting in/with my mind all these years (the feel-good image of my dream-life, the dream which kept me going all these years), and neither of us knew that was what the other was doing. I projected/thought it, he exercised it....he prepared and made it a physical reality, without ever knowing he was bringing into form what my mind was creating/thinking up...i was projecting my thoughts onto him, and he never even knew he was receiving (me) and executing them. The new place in Canada B.C. is not only the accumulation of all that i am and love, it also fits Michael, so both of our personalities are served/reflected. It is actually quite magical and miraculous.

I repeat from Coming Home:

p.s: btw...those big supporting astrological events that are currently underway (there is talk of eclipses, solar flares and cardinal grand crosses...people seem a bit frantic about it), serve to stamp or seal in the new reality...the earth is also the cross... jesus/christ got nailed/stamped to the cross, his love did (not accidentally he was resurrected on easter, which is also being celebrated this month, around my b'day on 14-4-14, where i turn 44 (=also an 8)...all squares/4's/crosses/foundations...sealing/anchoring/stamping in the balance of heaven and earth we brought about and established over these many years)...and so now we are being stamped to the cross....(also meaning the twin flame balance/harmony now being brought 'down' into the physical, onto and into the earth, as the 11:11 is also a 4...and as Michael and i have been merging ever deeper in spirit over these past 2 months, and our physical merging, the merging of his and mine, of our material realities, comes ever closer.. we, in the process also bring about this (physical) merger of heaven and earth/spirit and matter for the earth and cosmos, as nothing is ever separated, and all is one...the deeper we merged in spirit/soul/energy, the more we closed the gap between spirit/female/heaven and matter/male/earth, the more of the 'lower' rungs of the ladder could anchor into their new material realities, and the closer he and i come to our physical reunion...thus we're closing the gap between spirit and matter more and more, and sealing in the new (material) reality....when he comes (in)to me in the flesh, we in the process close the seal we opened so many years ago (which literally made me bleed)...and seal in the new reality, for everyone, for good)
"AS WITHIN, SO WITHOUT...AS ABOVE, SO BELOW")....


so in case you are wondering what we are now waiting for, that's it...we're waiting for all the lower rungs to settle into their new material reality....for the zipper to close, the ladder to become solid working downside-upward (from the 'ground' up)...we can go to our new life once they're all settled in, and things 'below us' have solidified....as in: foundations....and then...we turn on the lid, sealing it in....we close the gate....the new material reality and energy are now being stamped/sealed in for good...and it will indeed bring about a bang/ thrust as the stamping in happens, and the hammer falls (which is of course already happening..it is not ever the stars/ planets bringing anything about, it is us, always us, the planets only serve to support what we are doing, they are us, we are summonning the events...they mirror/reflect us, and vice versa..the same way humans reflect each other, and your reality reflects who you are being/what you are being about...until you change it)... so there is a fall out, pushing out many things of old which can no longer be upheld by its outward spreading vibration...like throwing a stone in the water, and the circular vibe of it ripples outward.....We are Noah, the arc, as well as the flood, all in one.

(Noah means: rest, comfort, peaceful...Our arc of inner -and outer- male/female balance/harmony will steadily stay afloat/upright, when all else falls...we built t
hat arc, we are that arc -which holds the male-female balanced blueprint-, and in our flood of love all that is not (in) the arc -meaning all that is NOT love/harmony- will be washed/whiped clean...we are the builders, pillars, and cleansing flood of innocent and pure, true love (= the so called biblical 'lamb'.)

this kinda like the perfect month to reunite in the flesh, and bring the new energy/love physically onto/into the earth, and
have it stamped in...to bring his earth onto/into my heaven, and my heaven onto/into his earth....and seal it in. Michael and I serve as the final seal, as holders (=the arc) of the fully restored (inner and outer, formless and formed) divine blueprint of original innocense/ pure undefined love (as do some of you as well).

But...quite frankly...I am the pioneer way ahead of (my) time...as I am supposed to be.


Revelation 6:12-17
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;
And the stars of the heavens fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
And the heavens departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;
And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:
For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

(red moon=blood moon. black sun= eclipse, stars 'falling to the earth'= meteor shower and the above mentioned celestial seal/stamp...The above mentioned 'Lamb' = original innocence/pure love, the twinflame balance/harmony)

Revelation 8:1-6
And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.
And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.
And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer [it] with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne.
And the smoke of the incense, [which came] with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.
And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast [it] into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake.
And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.

* (7 trumpets= 7 crosses/trumpets as described here above....a total of a series of 7 grand crosses, the 1st of which took place years ago already....each one sealing in a higher vibration/tone/reality.....naturally, sealing/stamping in a certain tone/vibration, automatically opens up the (seal to the) next tone....as in: evolution...)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_seals


The description in the bible of course comes from the observers' primitive and fearful state of mind/society, not to be taken so literal and rigid...still...there is some truth in it as well....yet were he speaks from a place and time of gods' wrath and fear, as they did not know any better in those days...we(god) of course mean(s): LOVE



I also decided to add – following here below-  most of the last chapter of my book, which I did not publish on this website before, and which contains my experiences during the last period of 2013, as it kinda fits here now, in this ‘time’…as I experienced the new reality already way before it was put in solid form.

I already even wrote and prepared this last and final addition, about Michaels’ return, long beforehand. I could however not publish, as the actual event(s) had not yet come to pass.…It is all I felt,  experienced and wrote last June-July 2013 and thereafter…it was in fact, as it turns out now, also a sneak preview of the future/ reality to come now in 2014, which occurred right around the time Michael visited his home town, right after I had been there.

 

THE FINAL CHAPTER – Grand Finale

June/july 2013:

...I was about to lift off of the earth, like a rocket, straight back into heaven. All this giga-high vibration of pure and intense innocent love was making me physically tremble. I was dizzy, had headaches, heart palpitations, could no longer be/sit still and contain it all. I had to MOVE. At times I was literally jumping up and down, pacing through the house, in an attempt to accommodate it all, hold it inside, needing to circulate it through my body, veins and cells as it settled in, integrating, unable to concentrate on a movie, a book, writing (spelling) or drawing. I had many symptoms, as my body was tuning in, adapting to the highest frequencies, like a music instrument adjusting its tone to the sound of a tuning-fork that sings Love. I was all over the place, felt light-headed and almost ‘fading’, evaporating, hyperventilating, floating ‘upward’ like a hot air balloon (the only thing keeping/anchoring me down on the earth was basically my heavy body weight), with lots of muscle twitching and sneezing my a** off, all the while also feeling very sexually aroused (Becoming one with God is very sexual indeed). I needed him (Michael) to physically nail me/us ‘(;D) solid onto the earth, as I could not contain all this high love in this body no more, not on my own, not by myself. This one body is just not big enough. The dam was breaking, Love needs to flow free! Ideals are in fact very limiting.

I had so been  waiting (sometimes with slight frustration and a sense of urgency) for the old hologram to (finally) fall away/dissolve and reveal the truth. I can no longer take the old world (that) seriously, as it simply does not reflect the/my truth, not the true me. I look at it as a theatre-set, a movie-set made out of painted cardboard, all fake, not sincere to who I am. I can no longer play those games either, they do not interest me and are not real to me anymore, and so I don’t give my energy to it. This is an all natural response, like breathing, not something I need to think about.  On a scale of infinity, nothing matters.

When paperwork from some government office comes in, I just put it away in a box unopened. One can say this is denial/rejection of ‘reality’, but I simply feel no need for responding to any of it, nothing calls/urges me to participate/interact anymore, I am simply not interested. It is not that I am weary of it, or frustrated and rejective of that old world, it is just that I am not interested, I simply cannot be bothered. To me none of it is real, and actually quite boring as well. It is a game I do not feel connected to or feel any necessity/desire to play in, not a reality structure I feel I need to uphold or give my energy to.….as it is not mine. There simply no longer exists any drive in me to react/respond to any of it, my responses have been totally neutralised over the many years of boot camp. It has all been put to peace/sleep. Whenever I interact with them/ the old timeline it is as if I look at it from a great distance, detached, dissociated, unreal, acting , playing some role that is not me/real. Like an alien attempting to play human, for fun. A centre point of peace amidst of a hurricane, yet I enjoy those visits very much in certain doses. I cruise/ navigate in between realities sometimes; each reality requires its own role/language. All the old settings/people I surrounded myself with were also just an act, a staged play-act, something I set up (a reality that suited me at the time) to push myself into a certain direction/development, into a new day.

Basically it is all just a fake, a hologram created from an old timeline I now surpassed and mo-ved beyond, over the rainbow…and it was not like anything I could have ever imagined

From the stars, planets and their movements (which influence us & each other if one needs/ believes such things), to the seasons, our body and hormones -that stir the chemical processes leading to the simulation of all kind of emotional expressions- to everything else we see, it is all fake. It is never really the planetary movements or our bodies etc. causing anything, it’s always US. Any prop is just a medium which we use to transfer our own intentions, which results in our intentions becoming reality, it is all fake. Just a theatre-set serving a play….we are the ones moving the set around to suit our needs, to serve our desired experiences, aware or unaware. Everything listens and responds to our voice, forms itself accordingly, to match our intentions, thoughts and requirements. Which ever we choose.

I can barely connect to my family as being ‘my family’ any-more, on some level of course I know I was born of their blood, and we have ‘history’ together, meant something to each other at some point/time in life, but we now live in totally different worlds, and where they continue on/in the old timeline, I went to ‘heaven’. The ‘purpose’ be-hind those relationships has simply gone. I feel fuzzy warm love for them…but then, I feel that with all humans, no one is a stranger to me, I always feel I know everyone, and they all feel familiar.

I cannot relate much to these new/old stories/realities/ experiences they create(d) for themselves in the old timeline. Those are unique for/to them, and have no-thing to do with me basically, their free will, and their creations I observe from a ‘distance’, with full respect for their choices. Those people are not the ones I knew, it all changed. I changed. Surreal. And where everyone is oh so serious and heavy in the mind, I simply frolic through life, towards, amidst others and away from them again, playful like a puppy.

Back when my process started 6 years ago, Michael in fact re-presented the/my future of love and harmony. Then I surpassed him, became that love & harmony (in) myself, and he could come in from the past to make us/love one on the outside, in the present. The future timeline of love made manifest in the now. He is, and has always been a natural part of me.

Before, I could no longer believe in the surroundings as they were presented to me every mor-ning when opening my eyes. I could no longer identify with any of it. My disinterest mostly translated into lots of sleepiness (Once, I slept 14 hours straight), withdrawing from the outside world, sleeping and watching TV, despite of it being glorious weather outside. (Whenever I go for a stroll there’s also always lots of people who come up to me for a chat, mostly people I never met before, and I do enjoy that. They always tell me stories about their lives, and as long as it’s not one big rant about their misery and drama, which is boring, I truly enjoy listening to all these unique human stories/processes/ experiences. And I know they come to me for a reason, so it’s all good. I even found 20 lucky clovers in 5 days, and those who saw me walk around with all those lucky clovers were intrigued…so when asked, I told them when one assumes the lucky clovers are there, one also finds them. All one does is open ones’ mind/heart to them. And that if one believes they bring luck, then so it is/will be…etc. Often it evolves into a very interesting revealing conversation).

So yeah, I had been waiting for the old reality/hologram to finally dissolve and reveal the sparkly, shiny truth of the new and true me behind it. After all that is how ‘reality’ is built up, layers of truths stacked one behind/inside the other, like layers of an onion. I really could/can no longer truly relate to the old reality, I can no longer take it seriously and see and treat it as real, as it too is just another fake (created by those existing in it, feeding/fuelling it). I no longer feel the drive to participate, and jump through those hoops. Things will be fine and perfect anyway, and solve themselves, even when I do nothing.  Of course I don’t speak about this with others, they’d think I am nuts, or/and disrespecting/ judging them, which is definitely not the case. I was simply always one that observes, from a neutral distance, and sees connections and overlaps everywhere, between everyone and everything. Yet I have no personal opinion about them, it means nothing, nor do I need to take part in stuff that means nothing to me. I can no longer be programmed from the outside in. I stand gentle but firm in meaninglessness.

I no longer felt like a match to anything that was still my physical reality at that time, nothing fitted anymore, like clothes that no longer suited who I was. I now resided in a lightness of being, of a strange and undefined, empty, yet magical, gentle, full beauty. There are no words. There is a new depth to flavours, fragrances, scents, sounds, light, colour, textures, breathing…Even my skin is so sensitive to touch, it turns the shower water touching upon it, into a totally new experience, a sensation of unprecedented satisfying richness, like being scratched where it itches. My food tastes and smells, like it never ever did before, so many layers of flavour. And even my own drawings touch me on a level they never reached before, bringing tears to my eyes. Can you even imagine what love-making is like over here? J

Of course, any and all realties are holograms, staged play-acts (even Michael is just a fake, he is simply me in disguise/in another costume…something I (we) myself staged/designed to ensure/bring my(our)self to a certain experience)….Except, there are those plays that are simply (more) sincere/true/real to us, (very close) to who we are, to how we feel inside, and how we view ourselves and the world around us, how we THINK. The hologram always adjusts to our views and intentions….yet it remains, forever, just a hologram, nothing more. The one who is us, ‘sits’ in his virtual reality chair and dreams it all up. We do not really move, not ever. We simply remain… for all eternity…..and everything ‘around’ us moves, flares, spins, waves, dissolves, appears, evolves, morphs, disappears, like tidal waves coming in and moving away again.  Yet we remain.

This is basically also what I have been ‘doing’ in these past 6 years of processing: I almost completely retreated from participating in any reality. I sat still, removed, unmoving, in the neutral quiet of my home/sanctuary while watching all old belief-systems and realities (that were not me) around me dissolve, falling/peeling itself away (from me). It truly was like time travelling, sitting inside a time-machine or -capsule, and looking out the window, watching all the eras pass by/fall away, travelling/passing through them without ever leaving the machine to participate/plug into any of them. Whenever I felt in danger of becoming to involved/attached in an era/energy/BS/play, I caught myself and immediately detached, unplugged, and steered myself back on track (=transmutation of energy), by mere choice, use of my mental strength and will, as still none of them was/reflected ME, and thus I was never supposed/ meant to take them personally/onto and into myself, and/or participate in them anymore. I remained, while by use of my free will/choice and body/physical expression, transforming/ changing these old energies into new energy/love…while all else fell away, and the core be-came uncovered. A travel/journey to the centre of the universe/me. Everything once created, now being sucked back in/up, rewinding the film.

(One can also view it as a birth canal getting ever narrower, not allowing for anything untrue/ impure to pass through, more and more mass being squeezed away, like a tube of toothpaste being emptied out to the very last drop. The canal opening and closing in many endless con-tractions, for many years, until the newborn innocent baby was finally ready to be born. It was merciless. (Vomiting also occurs the same way btw, intestines/processing and creation/birth work the same way overall, like a heartbeat or breath. (Same way (tree) leaves look like lungs with all the veins running through them. It is all one and the same; it all mirrors/ reflects each other.). This purging it also translates in naturally doing away with old stuff, like clothes and paperwork etc. One simply feels the urge to clear away, outside as inside… Above is as below, and inner is as outer, it all mirrors/reflects each other, is one whole and functions as such.)

I pretty much feel like an alien. Being aware of something from knowing it, is something totally different from actually having seen, experienced and understanding it. Knowing you’re divine is something different to actually feeling and living your divinity. And knowing you’re God is something totally different from actually seeing or having looked through Gods eyes. Knowing people mirror each other is different from actually having SEEN the neutral being/mirror inside them. It was like looking at totally blank,  same water-surfaces which reflected each other, no faces or personalities, just blank mirrors staring at each other, mirroring/reflecting each others surface, like water reflects the image of the one seeing into it, like into a mirror. When I saw all those blank surfaces around me, being the One god, like many pieces of the same one shattered mirror, one being, I felt like the alien/God inside. I felt nothing, had no personality, no name, no age, no opinion, no nothing, a completely blank canvas, totally detached and distanced. I watched the mirrors‘ surfaces  ripple and texts or images appearing on them, and then saw how the other mirrors reflected those exact same texts and images back at them, unaware of their function as a projection screen to each other. Their personalities/ego totally oblivious to the fact that they carry this same one mirror-being inside, this same water surface, which they can have full reign over, if they were aware/awake. I was them, the still water surface was me,  looking at it from the inside out, or from beyond. It was weird. I had no  response whatsoever. Nor did I care whether it rained or the sun was out shining, it was all the same to me. Summer, fall, spring or  winter, each has its own charm, and I didn’t care for any of it.

As the developments of these past weeks unfolded, it was naturally all the time accompanied by pretty much the whole spectrum of (rather mild) well known symptoms: The usual grounding and integrating symptoms, like aching lower extremities, knees, feet and tail-bone area, waking up feeling as having just been run over by a bus, sore hips, joints, ligaments, soreness in back, shoulders and neck muscles, belly and blather pressure/cramps, being cold, being glowing hot, sweating, headaches, dizziness, waves of almost constant sneezing and accidental coughing, tickly or throat, post-nasal-drip, fleeing shooting nerve-aches and -pains, bouts of lovely deep releasing tears which put me in a pleasantly fuzzy, tired, heavy weary bodied state, feeling the very icy cold whirl  wind all around me etc. All the while knowing inside I was now all done, and this was merely my body, thus physical/material reality, in the process of catching up, after the big breakthrough of weeks before…one last time. I still feel it when the earth and humanity shift, but none of those feelings released trigger anything in me personally anymore. I still sense what goes on, but since it is not mine, and I no longer play the role of transmutation-machine, being out of the cycle/process, it feels very…faint, distant… almost unreal, everything that was before appears to be just a mere echo.

After so many years of processing one becomes unhinged with the whole thing. After a while the whole proverbial ‘carrot dangling’ is no longer of interest, one no longer pays attention to the symptoms, the discomforts, and the ‘dangling’, it has all become part of the game, it gets boring. One has basically put aside ones’ own idea of ‘needs’ and wants’…The dangling becomes old, uninteresting, which is a natural development. It is not the same as being so exhausted that one no longer cares what happens, it is the kind of response that is all natural when one has been around the block a few times and seen and done it all. Simply from being done. Ever had someone yank away something you just wanted to grab, right before your eyes, holding it over your head where you can’t reach, repeatedly lowering it right in front of your nose, then pulling it beyond your reach again? After a while one simply stops jumping for it, and loses interest. Everything has gotten released, every need and want…

….And what to do with that long desired dream anyway, once it has become manifest? I experienced moments of fear of my dreams becoming a reality all of a sudden.

The other can keep attempting to seduce you, holding the thing right in front of your nose, ready to yank it away when he thinks you want to grab it, but you don’t even bother to look up anymore, it has gotten old. one even lets go of the feel-good visions and dreams one may have cherished throughout the years, and that may have been perfect company on the road, helping one to push on, hang in there, and go beyond. Nothing gets your motor started anymore. You just can’t be bothered taking anything seriously anymore, everything has become a non-issue. One has detached from ‘wants’ or ‘needs’. One feels friendly and simply present in the eternal now, there is no future, only now. Of course one still daydreams and fantasises, but the wanting has ceased. Nothing ‘needs’ to be, none of it carries any importance or urgency anymore, nothing is a must-have or must-do. ‘Whatever’ is good enough, more than. One simply cannot serve 2 masters, either one totally surrenders to Love, or one goes for ego/materialism. (In fact, stuff that is not even really asked for, but simply remarked like:  “those are good” results in them being delivered stat. I noticed that several times when thinking about a certain kind of food or drink). The less important it is to you, the faster it arrives). This is exactly the effect the process wishes to achieve, pushing your buttons for so long until you let go of any and all assumptions, dreams and ideas you might have had. You need to become totally and completely wide open….so anything can come in, and you’ll be receptive to it, even if it’s something you’d never thought for yourself.

I came to the point where I even let go of the lovely vision of my ‘dream-home’ that accompanied me for many years, and that kept me going when times got tough. I was like: “okay, wherever you send me, and whomever with, will be fine by me, I let go of my own preferences, whatever, as long as its fun”. Complete surrender. No more goals, plans or destinations, just total blankness, white-out. I also let go of ‘the twin’…

…In fact, there was a period where I all of a sudden had second guesses, where I never had those before. I asked myself questions like: ”What on earth am I going to do with that man, how in heavens name am I ever going to have a life with him, him being who he is and me being who I am, so very different in soooo many ways?” Why would I want to be with him anyway, why did I ever?”, “How am I supposed to handle a man in my life, with probably all his pre-programmed male expectations, plans and ideas, where I have been single, alone and living very secluded for yeaaaars, decades?” (Michael lived a very traditional, planned-through life style, totally the opposite of my own plan-free formless way of being). It was like getting cold feet right before the wedding, wanting to run away in the opposite direction. I was genuinely unsure if I even wanted any of that, or a life even, any life on planet Earth. I wondered what was so special about a life in a material world anyway. I was so detached from anything material, I could not see any value to any of it anymore, thinking: ”So then what kind of a life would I have then, creating a bunch of meaningless stuff, and being physically flocked and worn out from the process. What’s left for me here anyway? I no longer feel personally connected to anything or anyone, not to the old family in Holland, not to the place I live in, or to any people. I have no real friends, and even Michael feels non-existing, like it was all just a dream. I was like a kite on a fading string, drifting ever higher, away on the wind, hardly feeling any connection to earth anymore.

I pretty much stopped connecting to Michael. I hardly thought about him, did not write him anymore. At times I almost totally ‘forgot’ about him even. He too no longer mattered, and had become as unimportant as everything else. The old Michael, as he was, as I had known him,  in the form and function in which he had appeared to me in the old story/life/encounter, vanished, was gone from my system, wiped away. Creating an open, clean slate for the new one, the Michael he was now,  with a new meaning/function/role. Or frankly: no function at all anymore, but true pure innocent love. Nothing was what/how it used to be. It was indeed a total disconnect from the old blueprint. It left me feeling wide open. All those years Michael had been the only thing keeping me going, he held me down on the earth, while processing and transitioning. He was the anchor or string connecting me to life itself, to the old story still, as I  was neither here, nor there yet. Connecting to him, telling him my whole story, relieved me, gave me peace. Now that I was ready, the time came to completely undock, cross over, and leave it all behind for good. Like riding a bike without help, side wheels or hands for the very first time, letting go of the last bit of  attachment/touch. it was time to float free, no foot left on old soil, not one foot in both worlds, but all clear from touching down anywhere particular or defined at all. Floating free in empty space, a star ship undocked. The bridge simply ended, evaporated, right in the middle of covering an endless space, and I was simply right there…It had always been right there. We were never really going any-where over that bridge, we were always simply journeying to the centre of it, where the whole bridge, alongside all space, time and place simply dissolves, disappears. There is no, and never was, an other side, no destination, not even a bridge or transition. It was always right there/here. Before, I needed this anchor/string in the form of Michael, now I no longer did, as I was (un)done & ready, balanced and centred in the neutral timeless empty mid-point between heaven and earth. There is simply no where (left) to go, there never was. The (old) trail ends, but life continues on, into the wild and unknown. It is all new all right, a whole new land, or even universe to explore. Even menstruating has become a totally new,  pleasurable experience, almost like sex-afterglow, a deep relaxation.

At that time I figured it best for Michael to just remain  where he had been all along, stay in his own world, comfortable and familiar, and just continue on, and live with his life. /he’d do best with a girl his own age and of his own kind. And I would just simply leave the planet and go home, where I belonged at felt at home. I was at the end of everything, and could no longer see the point of continuing this old story, could not be bothered with any of it anymore. It had all lost its significance and meaning, wasn’t important anymore, none of it matter any longer. I knew what he was to me (and I to him) ‘before’ and ‘during’ , but what was he supposed to be/mean to me now? How were we supposed to live in this newness anyway, representing totally opposing worlds/forces, how was that ever supposed to work? Like…when winter rules the northern hemisphere, summer reigns the south (Once again, the mirror: above/below, inner/outer,  heaven/earth, spirit/matter). I just could not see it. Trust was here, as always, just no concept.  This space/ life had simply gotten too small/narrow for me.

I felt no connection to life. What the hell were we all doing here anyway? The (old) purpose was gone, now there was ‘life’ ’without purpose, nothing left to get fired up over, no real reason left to continue on for.  The old life had already ended, and I couldn’t see the point in a new one, nor did it reveal itself to me. (‘Meaning’ and ‘purpose’ are part of the old illusion or BS). I was all the same to me now. I had drifted so far off, away from the (old) world, into the non-material. The focus all those years had been all about breaking free from enslavement to the material illusion after all.  Maybe I had also simply been longing for too long…at some point everything gets old. I had trouble seeing the necessity of me being in this world. I failed to see the need for a life, or any existence on earth. I was all of a sudden asking myself if I even wanted any of this ‘life’ thing, or of Michael. And how was I supposed to ever really simply ‘function’ again after all of this anyway, or even be in a relationship? How was this supposed to work? Was there even going to be car driving here in this new land? (I always loved driving)

What is life going to be like here, will there be money earned and spent? I don’t know about money, not doing anything to get it, nor am I feeling inspired to do so. Will there be the fun stuff from the old world, such as shopping for clothes or food and stuff, going to the movies, buying and selling, is there any of that going on here, in this new age? Will there be projects to handle, ideas to set up and work out, things to be put into action? People to be with, places to go? Things to organize, new stuff to learn? Am I going to be guided, taken by the hand, like a blind(folded) person,, never knowing or seeing anything ahead of me, just flowing and letting it all be arranged for me, not arranging anything myself? Nothing here works like it did before, it is new and unknown, totally in the dark. I guess I am simply not supposed to know, and have to just flow along,  I haven’t the foggiest notion, we shall see as we go along.  I needed to do away with each and every plan, vision and/or idea, with everything I thought I knew, because none of that will work here. Things must be left totally open. No future planning, only creating and moving in and from each moment. Every moment requires something else. I maintain my equilibrium in the nothingness. In this new age I don’t know what I need or want, or what is mine to do, where to be, and am not supposed to know either. I simply surrendered to that fact of voidness.  It will all come to me, all in due ‘time’. I no longer cared for or  was bothered/frustrated by the void or desert…as I now was the desert/void. One has also learnt to move/role with the punches…There are no punches really…It was all just a dream.

I had never really asked myself any of those questions before, impregnated and pre-programmed as I was, with the divine plan/task of bringing about the harmony, love and reunion of male and female. This thing was always so very deeply imprinted in me, so prominent in my life; it actually defined my whole life. It was all totally built around and towards that one thing: reunion. That was always the focus, the red line that ran through my life.

My life had never even really been about what I wanted, my preferences, as I was just to burdened with the whole dark cloud ordeal to ask myself those things. My main concern had always been ‘survival’, getting myself through the(se) days.

I couldn’t remember making love, or snuggling up to a man and cuddle, hold hands, or having someone to talk to even, to be cherished and loved, have company in the house…or going someplace, together, just for fun, like the movies. I could not even  remember what it was like to be comfortable, especially physically. I slept in a tunnel of pillows because certain parts of my body were so constantly sore and painful that I needed to rest them on a pillow. This bunch of pillows supported me in bed, so I could find some relief, and somewhat of a relatively comfortable position to lie in, even if it often took me 10 to 15 minutes to nest. This leg up, that arm down, head turned that way, etc.

All I ever concerned myself with was how to get through and past this thing quickest way possible, very sure of Michael and I, of our perfect match, simply just getting ‘there’ as fast as I knew how, going after the proverbial carrot. I never questioned the path I was sent on, as I always felt so clearly what I was supposed to do, what was being ‘asked’ of me. Now all of a sudden I was thinking Michael and I had never been further apart in lifestyle, awareness and worlds as we were now. Before the process we were so much closer together, both of us living in the same world, working and stuff, with pretty much the same or a similar outlook on life… Now my world had turned inside out, I was ages ahead of him, living in another time, another world, a totally different awareness and way of being and living, not even close to the world he knew, even if I kept him informed of everything that was happening with me all those years, and we also share a certain overlap in interests/character. His world was the perfect opposite of mine, the mirror refection. In my world love comes first, stands at the top of the list and is the motivation behind everything, in his world the material takes that first place, and love basically comes after everything else, when every other requirement, rule, expectation and plan has been fulfilled. How was this ever going to work, be compatible and possible? All those years I never even knew what he thought or felt about the stuff I had so diligently written him. I had been through so much, having made a whole journey, where he simply remained where and as he was. How could/would his love ever match mine? And where would be the point in such a relationship or a new life anyway? What was my place to be now, amidst this world? Was there even a place for me? And what was I (still)doing here anyway? What was my function?

I was not who I was before, how I was when he met me. Could it ever be the way it was, as beautiful as it was back then, me now being fat and wrinkled, physically worn out basically, squeezed until the last drop of old life juice had left me. Appearances were not really a concern of mine anymore, not an issue  or insecurity to me…His beauty (or anything/anyone for that matter) can no longer intimidate me, as it is just an outer shell….But I know all to well how the old world deals  with appearances, how they respond, and totally fixated they are on exteriors.  True Love however has nothing to do  with any of that.  Of course I was also aware of the fact that this was exactly as it should be, as our reunion would have the optimum effect the farther apart our worlds/energies were, him completely on the earth, and me totally up in heaven. Our reunion would pull both worlds/energies together, like a zipper. But how was this supposed to work in a practical way, coming form totally opposite world? I guess only god knew…it would be all natural, a perfect fit.

But was I really still interested in any of this? A man in my life, what to do with him, how to be? I had no expectations, but how about him? I am in no way a match for the housewife scenario. In a way, I lost interest. Michael felt far away, unreal and non-existing, a non-issue. I still longed, but more for the feeling of how it was back then, what we had, than for him. I let go of the old image or idea I had of  Michael, and could not reconnect to the new one, as he was not here to show me who he (now) was. I  was all emptied out, even of him.

He reflects me as I feel/am…so, my neutrality is his. Mirrors

The last weeks, after the big flip-over, I/it felt all complete(d), new, crisp and strangely out of place in the old settings. ..I actually felt very similar, almost the same, to when Michael and I were together, very new, pure, clear, innocent, pristine, clean, flawless…loved….And I kind of felt like a little kid on the look out for the ice cream truck in those days…until that too dissipated, until there was no expectation or desire left, no meaning or point. Maybe this sounds funny, but when I thought about dying or being reunited with Michael it both generated the same joyful feeling….as both mean coming home to me. Both felt equally peaceful and good. I was in fact most ready to leave the planet, feeling done. I was ready for home. When thinking about another winter here the way I spent my winters the last 6 years, something in me very calmly and decisively stated “no”…I had no more need for any of that, totally past it. I was resolute. I spent so much time in the void, being void, that I became the void. 6 Years of not doing anything, not going anywhere, not having much of anything but the bare necessities, wile surrendering to the most bizarre and painful, made me bare & receptive.

Was any of it worth it? Nah, I sure didn’t think so. I much rather had had a life without any of the hardships of 43 , almost 44 years, I’d rather spared myself all the trouble, since it was all just a silly game after all, and all it served to do was bring me back to the point of origin, or home. Nothing new was brought about really, it was a totally pointless run-around basically, never really leading to or amounting to anything amazingly new, or meaning anything, not to god, so not to me either. It was just something to do. 

I guess it was simply high time I got/became ‘physical’ again, and put things into being, in a new way. I  was more than done with solely existing in the ethereal, and occupying myself mostly with the spiritual. The little social contacts/life I had, mainly took place on the internet, also a virtual world. I really, quite urgently, needed a new physical/material expression, to get involved in bringing things down into the flesh, in doing earthly things, in creating solid, physical, tangible stuff. Putting things into being. Getting/being physical, without it meaning, or having to mean anything.  Creating is simply trying whatever comes up spontaneously. Random thoughts and actions, without any drive or pre-arranged agenda or goal behind them. Like in ‘Under the Tuscan sky’:  just laying down the tracks, in case the train arrives someday, and if not, it is fine too…At least you got to occupy yourself, and had fun in the process.

But of course we all experience this world and the process in our own unique way. An ’autistic child’ experiences the world differently than a ‘cancer patient’, a ‘ballet dancer’ sees different than a mason, a baker different than a doctor or a president of a country or firm, etc. We all experience the world in our own unique way as intended…and we all interact to facilitate each others’ role. Our ‘circles’ overlap. We are all connected by those overlapping circles as well, they build a chain between all individuals on the earth. Almost like a social network :D (hate those btw , hahaha, I prefer talking to/meeting people  in the flesh, face to face!)

Anyway, Michael (=I/we) grounds us’ in the flesh’/earth in a new way, makes us’ real’ in a new way…the way true to my being. Our circulation, natural flow and one heart restored, seamlessly fused back together, like he never left at all,  had never ever been gone from my side and sight. Bringing  my heaven onto his earth, my wind unto his water. A glorious reunion of Heaven (=me) and Earth (=Michael), wind and water. In fact our reunion, Michaels’ return is a natural ‘side-effect’ of or extension to the completion of the process, and it comes as such as well, all natural, no ‘big bang’ or mind-blowing, of-my-feet-sweeping event. Simply an all natural reunion melting into each other, kind of ‘as expected’ actually.

Each time during ‘the process’ when the God sank deeper into me, penetrated deeper into my being, I would be flooded with images that showed Michael and me having our lovely sex, in our natural divine flow. (accompanied by the breeze that has been whirling around me for the last 6 years, and the roaring/humming pulsating sound/noise in my ears/head, making my skin shiver, and my head vibrate and spin)…And so now, this reunion becomes reality. He (god) now comes into to me in the flesh…finally… One, once again. Everything between us being like it was before; nothing changed… except now nothing holding us back anymore, so even better. He was never even really gone; the separation was, and has always been an illusion. There are now no more barriers between us, nothing holding or driving us apart. It was time to finally step into my own life, after a lifetime of being in everyone else’s life, not living my way, for sake of the process.  Time to be me now, in my life. True to my heart.

Life (and love) is very simple and easy. You just let the winds and waves of the divine currents carry you to where your heart/love yearns/wishes to go. You simply jump in, with both feet, no safety net, no hanging on to anything, no parachute, without prejudice or holding back of any kind, and allow. When opportunities knock, you take them with grace, joy and gratitude, without question/rationalising or reservations. Let yourself float free, on and with the water, and be carried by and sway on the wind. For that, one only needs to let go, and trust the wind and water, and allow for them to take you with…It moves in waves of electricity…Just like the love-making me and my Michael do, all naturally floating and flowing with and to the others ones’ current/rhythm, effortlessly. As I breathe out, he breathes in, and vice versa. We share one heart(beat), one breath, one circulation. Love requires breathing out into the world/creation; otherwise one suffocates (chokes on it). Love beckons, asks, needs to breathe, freely. The surrounding world then receives and breathes it in deeply, automatically, aware of it or not, The change in oxygen-mixture (love) we breathe out into the surrounding world transmutes/ evolves the whole species, all of nature she is surrounded by, and the planet she resides upon. Thus changing the nature of Life itself. It takes some getting used to, adjusting, but in time, they all/the whole world will.

The brief, but o so intense and effective encounter that Michael and I had 6 years ago, was just a little bite, a mere appetiser, of the ginormous banquet that awaits us in our life together. It was just a quick glance in the mirror of pure innocent love, a mere planting of the seed.

A while ago I saw a documentary about LSD. The scientist who discovered LSD came to word, as well as many others who had experience with the drug, either in using, making, administering (for instance in psychiatric hospitals) or researching it. People who had taken LSD described the experience as floating, feeling great warmth, rest, love, peace and oneness with everything. When on LSD they understood and saw everything, and all was beautiful and loving. It was described as a psychedelic experience that went beyond all human limitations, and changed colours, views and feelings. Some people greatly benefited from LSD in treating depression and many other issues, such as dealing with the pain, and fear of death, for individuals who were dying of some dis-ease. One researcher explained it as LSD serving as a kind of telescope. In the same way the Hubble-telescope serves to make hidden parts of the universe visible to the human eye, LSD brings about the necessary chemical reaction that takes down the veil, or borders/limitations hindering our sight. It widens our vision, so that the invisible becomes uncovered, and a complete view is possible. Hidden aspects and dimensions now become known. There were images shown of a brain progressing on LSD, where one could clearly see how the usual active small parts, about one third or less, of the brain, which were represented in active yellow, orange, red and greenish, now slowly changed to blue, after which the whole brain, after an hour or so when the LSD came to full effect, slowly changed to a calm blue. Where before only small portions of the brain were used, now the whole brain participated, functioning as one…No more left or right hemisphere, no separation, but wholeness. Someone described it as being alone in a boat, on the ocean, first the boat vanishes, then the water, and you. One looses ones’ sense of ‘Self’. (That is almost exactly what I experienced when seeing the same one mirror inside everyone. The one being inside me simply pushed aside the/my personality for an instance, gently pushed ‘me’ out of  away, and came forward, to the front/surface, his face right next to mine, to reveal  and show him/myself, in everyone and everything around me.)

Some mushrooms, I believe mostly South-American, as they were used since ancient times by the Mayans and other native tribes to get into contact with the forefathers as they call it, also have similar effects. There are many reports worldwide of plants and such being used in spiritual rituals.

There was also mention of there always being a ‘let down’ after such a wonderful trip on LSD.

Anyway…as I looked at that totally blue brain, and listened to the descriptions people gave of their experience, I realised the whole ascension ordeal carried some similarities. The ‘love waves’ one experiences during the process, are basically nothing more than huge influxes of chemicals and hormones rushing through the body. A chemical (chain) reaction, resulting in all kinds of lovely, wonderful feelings, lifting you up to indescribable heights, altering your breath and vision. These chemicals, over time, change the whole physical build up/structure of the human body. Nerve pathways (age old human responses),  are rerouted. Gazillions of synapses that have been connected for thousands of years, are now releasing their old connections/ positions, and are moving, turning their tiny ‘heads’, stretching out their hands,  making completely different and new connections to nerve endings that were unused before, just hanging there, waiting to someday become activated and embraced (again). Both brain hemispheres are thus reconnected and become one. Like (new) electrical impulses that start sparking again where they had stopped many centuries ago, plugs being plugged back in, the electricity coming back on in a building that had been deserted, gone vacant and dark for ages, suddenly switching on radios and appliances that had long fallen into silence. It is a total reboot or restart of things that had long gone quiet, that were only very faint vague memories and echoes of brilliant times past and future.

After the process, our physical and spiritual condition has altered completely, our whole set up and chemical build. Nothing in us responds to or reminds us of how it was before anymore, like paging through a history book. What happened only a month ago already  seems surreal, like a whole other era already, a whole other story.

When being hit by the same chemicals for longer periods (glands working over time), one adjusts to them, and becomes them. Similar to becoming immune to the effects of antibiotics or poisons/toxins when taking certain amounts of them over a certain longer period of time. At some point, after a while, the body has assimilated and integrated the substances, and they no longer do what they were originally intended to. Our resilience changes, and we no longer respond like we used to. The prolonged exposure to these huge chemical floods/rushes within our bodies changes us for good. We are not who we were before. The ‘veil’ between the brain halves has dissolved, both hemispheres are reconnected and one again, energy flows freely between them, unhindered. Gods’ divine flow of Love is restored. We float and flow on and with the love current, no longer against it. And as within reflects without, the hemispheres of planet earth are restored as well, and reconnected in flow. I guess I now have blue brain :D

The chemicals serve to flush out everything that is not love, within our bodies and within mother earth. As we cleanse, earth cleanses. We are the ones doing it. As the chemicals rush through our bodies, they open new pathways, create new beddings, and expand our consciousness ever further, we zoom out, and finally see. Clear and free, at long last. The repeating cycles take us ever higher/deeper, spiralling ‘upward’. We get bashed, stripped and pounded on by these chemical love waves so many times, so profoundly, and for such a long time, until they have consumed us, and there is nothing you want anymore, no ‘want’ left, the ego/old synapses let go and off, the old is totally out of the way and gone, and Gods’ will and love has full free reign and passage, to totally flood through us, until not even the tiniest bit of old response or impulse is left. One becomes ‘pimped’, fine tuned like a TV or radio, until the channel is all clear, without any static or disturbance. “like a ‘puppet’ on Gods’ string’

My female cycle was also thoroughly utilised as a tool, where the already present hormonal secretion was even increased to support the chemical rebalancing, and aligned with all kinds of celestial events. Everything was perfectly timed, and integrated in the process. My period, the full moon, and the fall equinox all came together, sandwiched in the same September week this year (2013).

The equinox I could actually feel coming, about 3 to 4 weeks before the actual event, signalled by many symptoms. The weeks prior to the equinox there was a constant undertone of depression, heavy energy, exhaustion and tight muscles and breathing (shortness of breath), sometimes suddenly replaced by loose muscles and joints, deep relaxation, and open breathing, pain free and pleasant, with a lightness of body feel and being, clean feeling, mucus release (post nasal drip), diarrhoea, flu like stuff, glowing, sweating and bouts with lots of sneezing, tickly throat, light coughing, heart flutters, sudden bouts of lovely releasing crying for no reason, etc. I was a vortex/mixture of a bit of everything. I showered, bathed, walked/moved and expressed creatively. I utilised all these necessary tools , when in transition one cannot go without, but now only very moderate. I spent most of the days and weeks alone in the house, working on this book, sitting at my laptop, totally focussed, not doing much of anything, not touching ground (I live on the 1st floor) or base with other humans. Only after about 4 weeks, by the end of September,  did I engage in some house cleaning for a day or 2.

The weather outside followed the same pattern, being warm and lovely, sunny, friendly weather one day, to being very chilly, wet, fall like weather the next. The trees started dropping their leaves quite rapidly all of a sudden There were the usual tremors and earth quakes going on worldwide, a couple of volcano outbreaks, some severe flooding, storms, hurricanes, you name it. Quite a few planes fell form the sky and crashed to the ground, buildings, economies and governments collapsed, conflicts arose, and houses and townships were swallowed by suddenly appearing holes in the earth, and so on and so forth. In India and surrounding areas more women, girls and children were brutally raped. Also many reports here in Europe about parents killing their offspring and themselves, often fathers or jealous boyfriends killing their spouses or girlfriends and family, but also some cases of mothers taking the lives of their kids and themselves. Some very nasty, horrible abuse cases surfaced. In short: everything hidden now becomes seen. It is in fact release and healing, but looks very nasty.

I had a short episode when I watched a program on TV, about a boy with the so called ‘butterfly syndrome’, which means the skin is extremely sensitive to touch, basically every smallest touch of the skin turns into an open festering wound. The pain and agony this boy went through every day of his life moved me to tears, it made me so sad, I sobbed. At that moment I found it so cruel. But on a deeper level I knew that this divine soul, and those around him in the form of his parents and siblings, had chosen this particular experience, although from a human standpoint, I could not for the life of me begin to imagine why. All this suffering, and for what? It felt so pointless.

But that’s just how it is, there really is no point, we simply choose to experience something. Not because it is important, holds any value or leads to anything. We simply experience and create, because we can. We all experience this world in our own unique way, from our own unique perspective, and that is how it was intended. We all write our own story. It is not about suffering ones’ way to heaven, or suffering being an accomplishment, a requirement to get to God, or anything holy or sacred which leads to redemption or absolution. The ‘reality’ behind the scenes is much more simple than that…and to the human mind much more complicated at the same time. As for humans, accustomed as they are to placing value and judgement, suffering is also valued. In the old days suffering and overcoming hardship was assumed a requirement to become worthy of gods’ love. But from gods’ perspective, suffering carries no more meaning or significance than not-suffering. In gods’ eyes it’s all one and the same, equal, a free choice of experience. Those who suffer have no bigger ticket to gods’ love than those who don’t. Everything is always connected, hanging together, balanced by invisible threads. For many humans n the old world ‘suffering’ is the (best/only) way they come to deepening, insight, self-love and valuing the world surrounding them…it helps them see and appreciate

God has infused himself in so many different games/experiences, endless scenarios and plays, countless aspects and perspectives, yet at the centre or core always remains the same One mirror.  Every (human) being carries the same one mirror-essence within, no matter what the outer physical illusion looks like. And whether one manipulates/forms/influences physical reality mechanically (like for instance through an operation or such) or magically (by the power of mind), or both… it is all divine …so both are fine. (I was always more a magical thinker myself)

Although I do not, and never did, enjoy watching others suffer and agonize in any way, I respect it as their own free (divine) decision, the mirror they hold up for each other to look into, the game they play, the experience they provide each other/the one god with…Yet I will not watch nor dwell on it, and zap away if given the opportunity. I feel no desire whatsoever to even watch my parents grow old, brittle, and sick,  wither away and die of decay. I just don’t see the point, and it is not my world or way. It is too harsh and basically unnecessary, I cannot relate to it, it holds no value whatsoever. It may have in the old days, where the last season of life was/is something to be revered and honoured, and a natural progress and stage of life, as life was a strenuous event back then, but now…this no longer is the case. Everything’s now different, and there is simply no comparison to anything that was before. We now choose when and how we leave the planet.

Just like glass can crack when exposed to a certain high pitched tone, so the raise in tone for the whole planet often results in people literally freaking/flipping out completely. The high vibe is simply too much for them to handle, so they serve as vessels or tools that release these old violent patterns physically. Much brutally surfaces in these days, now that the new high tone is established on the planet. This will continue on for quite a few years still. Then it will slowly simmer down. The violence in weather and human behaviour simply naturally follows the raise in human consciousness. As we expand our vision, so old patterns becomes visible and become obsolete. Every decade and era has its own unique sound or tune, the music and dance changes with time. ..some oldies remain pleasant to the ear and body throughout all eternity. Old limiting boxes simply cannot fit around a new and bigger body, so the new body breaks free, with force. Humans living in very old patterns and belief structures desperately still attempt to project there limited views onto others, trying to capture them within their narrow beam and holding them their, wanting things to stay held down, controllable, graspable and the same, attempting to wrap their old nets around a new way that cannot be caught, nailed down or grasped, as the change is useable to the eye, yet very real and here, it cannot be rationalised, pinned down, and held back or suppressed. Nothing to fear. The old frames are simply to narrow to fit the new picture…So the frame is being forced to alter and expand.

The 2 days prior to the (September) equinox I simply felt crushed, as if some big truck had run me over. My body basically hurt all over, I had headaches, was dizzy, the humming in my head became a loud roaring which vibrated my skull, I was cold, then hot, a new high pitch tone entered the scene, alongside all the other tones peeping and buzzing in my head, I was very tired, my body felt heavy, and my mind was very fuzzy, I was hardly here/present.  I was extremely clumsy, tripping and dropping, felt dizzy, nauseous, spelling words and sentences was near to impossible, as was doing anything really. I had great difficulty grabbing and holding on to stuff. It’s very hard to be cohesive and do things in a certain order or routine, when one is in fact scattered all over the place. The simplest every day ordinary tasks become a challenge. I also had (blather) cramps, my skull bones ached, and my eye sockets, as well as other parts of my body were hit by intense shooting pains. It was all physical squeezing, hardly emotional or anything else.  I had many wild dreams, one tumbling over the other, it was a mess. When waking up I felt as if someone had been screaming in my ear all night long, not really rested. Lots of processing during my sleep. I went to bed at about 4 or even 5 a.m., and got up between 1 and 3 p.m. I was now no longer transmuting, releasing and clearing energies, no longer breaking new ground, blazing the trail for everyone else, that old role was over. I was now merely the pillar serving to stabilize the new world, the rock or foundation the new  world was being built upon, as I had arrived, I was right there.

In the weeks following the equinox, up to the lunar eclipse, I still had all the same symptoms, accompanied with the sensation of a wide band being pulled tight in the area right below my breasts/shoulder blades down to right beneath my tail bone/hips. An arrow pierced straight through my chest, entering at the front between my boobs, exiting at the back between my shoulder blades. Everything between breasts and tail bone, back and front ached, my chest felt imploded. A soreness that felt as if it was all severely bruised and crushed. Man, that hurt! Some pain killers, and rubbing myself in with thick layers of tiger balm and/or eucalyptus and camphor oil helped. I was also tired, felt heavy, with shortness of breath, mucus release in my throat, feeling as if having a cold, glowing  with ‘fever’, acid burn, my insides hurt. I had some serious diarrhoea, burning sensations in parts of my skin, and I was so hungry all the time, it actually hurt! Basically the whole lot. I already had a thingy for many months, where a spot beneath my right shoulder blade felt as if a muscle was torn, very painful. The solar plexus area back to front was basically one severely sore mush mess. There were overall strange feelings I never experienced before, it was rather surreal. At some point I was actually quite sick, on the verge of fainting and totally collapsing…My hands, through the years, sometimes naturally sought their own ‘mudra’ position, as that simply felt pleasant in that moment. Don’t know hat that does, but it felt good.

Yet, at the same time, as my body was in that dire state, I was mentally and spiritually feeling new, and just fine. The inner feeling of newness, well being and neutrality or detachment remained. It was a strange blend, my spirit was okay and experiencing peace, my physical state differed and sucked. The physical ordeal was therefore very tolerable, I could simply not get upset or frustrated over anything. Somehow throughout the years of processing I was never worried, but trusted my body to simply be able to cope with all of it. Never did I doubt, or think I had a real physical problem. (the physical/material is nothing but an illusion after all). Where years ago, in the middle of the process, I would have been one pile of misery and depression wile releasing all the old crap, I now had nothing left to let go of, being totally passed and beyond it all. There was no emotional release, no depressions or feelings of misery and despair. When relieving tears were cried, I did so without there being any emotional load behind it, or any personal involvement. I was no longer attached to any of it, nor was I inside of it anymore… I was on the outside, standing by the sidelines looking in, from a safe impersonal distance. It was all just physical squeezing. Up and down  we went, in and out tossed side to side, and back to forth…and nothing could break my calm or sense of well being. I no longer needed much of the old tools that got me through the process, as my (mental) well being was now a natural state of being, that pretty much remained throughout all of it. without any effort or measures needing to be taken, I was fine with everything, as it was.  Yet a nice shower or short stroll, wile swinging your arms, and/or performing some ‘torsions’ (yoga like)can still work wonders, as one has gotten so used to (physical) discomfort, one hardly notices it anymore… until one goes for a walk or/and takes a shower, and all of a sudden senses relief of some sort afterwards. Then suddenly one realises one had in fact been under a certain strain or duress.

All this occurred in a period of ‘desert’. After the last and final big break through I made last July,  with all the love integrated in the weeks thereafter, it was only natural and to be expected it would be followed by a period of ‘void’ and waiting (also to give everyone coming up behind a change to catch up, and move into occupying the space I was previously in, taking over my role/function there. When one moves on to a new space, everyone must move up a notch, so the previous space is still being held). Nothing moved, everything was dead in the water, all dried up,  it was a no mans’ land, empty and bare. Things recalibrated & rebooted at all levels, higher and lower, as things were being set up anew, before the flow could begin again, with vigour. But then, I had become used to dying and being dead. One does get used to being uncomfortable and in pain. I was very used to not finding any comfortable position in bed, either my neck hurt, or my back and/or head, an arm, hip or leg. I slept in a pile or tunnel of pillows, one arm up that pillow, the other down, one leg bent over a pillow, the other stretched below the pillow, a pillow between my legs, otherwise my hips and tail bone would hurt. A pillow between my arms/boobs, otherwise my shoulders would complain. My head supported there, but not there. A pillow behind my back so I could lean into it, instead of having to support my body all by myself, which was just too heavy to handle. My belly was quite huge, the belly of a pregnant lady in her last semester, so that needed to be supported as well. I also often lay on the couch in front of the TV or slept with a warm water bag, or 2 behind my back, like a newborn baby, it helped my muscles to relax, and eased the pain. My body was having to deliver some hard effort to work her way up to the space my spirit already resided in. spirit always races ahead, the material/physical snails behind. Without the extra physical weight anchoring me on the earth, I would have long evaporated and floated off to lighter, less physical realms of being. The fat also buffered everything, from outside old energies to the new stuff entering via my belly button, or solar plexus/navel. It kept me from getting totally electrocuted and scorched. It is most understandable the process takes such a long ‘time’, it is no sinecure doing away with piles of millennia old energies, replacing them by heaps of new energies. The body goes through a very rough patch, as does the planet earth.

The desert can be a place where one feels like moving through quicksand, and where one can sink and go under with frustration, if one is not careful/aware. None of this was any problem though, because I used that time to assemble this book, as a nice distraction. Basically, I paid no attention to what was going on in the background, and focused my mind on other things. I was simply done with all that, and I didn’t find it worth the bother anymore, having experienced it all so many times before already. Where in the midst of the process these whirls could suck me in, now they were just vague echoes, unimportant, not worth going there or acknowledging them even, it was simply no longer my place to be or do. I had removed/distanced myself from all of it, I was now out of the game. There was no reason or point getting upset, used to living with it as I was.  Days and weeks just passed me by, unnoticed, all in a blur. Sometimes there were tears, from deep within, yet without any emotion behind them. What went on in the whole ascension scene had become a vague echo….On some level I still sensed what was going on in the world/dimension of ascension/ transition, but I was no longer part of it, not undergoing any of it anymore, not partaking any longer, not an active participant, as I had moved beyond, having nothing left to release or let go of, nor anything more to ad to that story. Totally detached, removed and distanced  from it all.

I could no longer be impressed by any of it, there was no impulse or spark left to ignite that engine. That battery had gone dead for good. I am simply no longer participating, or feeling the need or desire to participate, in any story I did not choose. When (government) envelopes arrive there is no reason to open them and participate in that story. I am not even in the least bit curious to what they have to say.  I choose for myself what the outcome to that message will be, even without reading or acknowledging any of it. I simply stopped playing that/their game. It is of no interest to me. TV could no longer hold my attention, there were mostly just reruns of reruns of reruns on anyway, and as the days glided by  practically unnoticed, I realised I had not been thinking about Michael that much anymore, and not been writing to him at all. That simply ceased, all naturally…Same way I was no longer thinking about any succulent juicy new life to begin, I was here and now, and it was fine. I was no longer striving for anything, and fine with everything, even the pain and discomfort. At night, during my sleep, I bit my teeth together, biting down really hard. Crunch time. Everything ached, inside and out, my stomach hurt, my liver, kidneys, intestines, lungs and heart. I took some painkillers from time to time,, and as we all know by now:  food, drinks, crèmes, water, pills, basically everything physical, is merely a programmed medium or vessel that reflects, carries and transfers our intent, so I used those to ease my load a bit. It was no big deal…Well, actually, it was, on some level, to my body….just not to me. (I couldn’t really relate to that face staring back at me in the mirror anymore either…So my body, material surroundings/reality, and the physical discomfort I also no longer identified with…no drama). None of these physical symptoms happen because of something we did, or did not do, like eat the ‘wrong’ food or anything like that. They are not our ‘fault’, but simply natural side effects of shifting consciousness. “ God, help me carry this.” I simply asked.

Right now I have to pay my landlords almost 400 Euros extra over the last year, for power and heating, (oil) prices have gone up. When receiving that overview and end-calculation over the last year (the way we do every year), I didn’t feel anything, no emotion, worry or response whatsoever, still don’t. God will solve it, and bring the solution, all in the perfect good time. I have no (fear) impulses left. And one thing one can always be certain of: whatever it is, it always passes, nothing lasts. Recently I watched a great movie called “The best exotic Marigold Hotel”, where one young man says: “Things are always okay in the end, so if it is not okay, than it is not yet the end.”

I in fact felt very okay with anything, yet also very done. Totally, utterly and completely done, and beyond bored with pretty much everything. Nothing had anything to do with me anymore. I felt very removed from everything, from my old biological family in Holland, and even from Michael, who wasn’t physically here after all, and hadn’t been for years. I had no clue who he now was, or  who my old family was anymore, On some level I was aware that I knew them, my mind knew there was shared history with these people, but at the same time they felt totally strange. I had no clue who these people now were or what they were supposed to mean to me. They were now basically obsolete and irrelevant to my story, and no longer aware of/knew who I was or what world I lived in, nor did their world inhabit me any longer. We lived in different dimensions now. In me they saw the shell of a person I no longer was. Yet looking at the exterior, they assumed they knew who they had before them., who inhabited this body they saw, what world lied behind that face and those eyes, their blood. To them, I was the same individual, with the same role to play in their lives. To me, they had turned to remnants/props from another life, happened so long ago. I could barely recall.

(Reminds me of this movie about some group of superheroes, one of them was exposed to some kind of nuclear procedure, and turned into an ego-less blue being, one with all of creation, unattached or stuck to any (human) form or perspective – I can’t remember the title of this film- He knew exactly how people thought, and what they expected, how they saw life and how they ticked, having been one of them once, yet could no longer participate in it, as he now knew and saw much more than they could….Sometimes he simply played the part/role, and gave them the response he knew they expected or understood, just to make the connection  with them. He was all respect, neutral love and detachment, they were all ego, drama and attachment. 2 totally differing ways of being).

I had no impulses left whatsoever, not even in familiar feeling towards people I had known all of my life. There was love there, but then there is love in me for all people, even total ‘strangers’. The feelings I have towards strangers are no different than the feelings I have towards people I have known a long time. Nor is there any difference in the feelings I have for family and people who are not family. It has all become the same one thing. I had no real interest in life anymore either, there was nothing left to figure out or solve, there was nothing of interest left for me here on this planet and in this life. I felt like letting it all go, even life itself, not out of sadness, depression or despair, but simply because it was the end, I was done. I felt no need or desire to go any further, to take this thing any farther than where I now was. I did not feel any desire for food, although I ate when my stomach told me she was hungry, and I felt no interest in the material world, or a life in it. Where would be the point of involving myself with all this material stuff anyway? I felt no need for it, none of it mattered anymore. When I woke up in the ‘morning’ there was usually a sense of wonder that I was still on the planet, “Jeez, am I still here?…Bummer…”. There was a feeling of having done it all, seen it all, understanding it all, life had gotten uninteresting.  What more could there be now anyway? Did any of it even really ever happen? I felt like I  was already gone from this place, had already left these people and surroundings, even though my body was obviously still here. There had been no life prior, and no life after, there had only ever been this, forever, nothing else ever existed. I felt no connection to, or involvement with my prior life, nor to my present material ‘reality’. I no longer had any clue about how one ‘does’ life in this new land, I had no more concept of life, or how to live it. There was no desire to participate in life, the longing for life and Michael had vanished, it was all gone. There was no  before or after, no up or down, no meaning or significance to anything. Nothing beckoned me to go out into the world no more, or partake in the old ways, nor walk amongst them. There was a sense of bewilderment, wonder and estrangement. It was not scary or uncomfortable. I had already gotten used to nothingness in a way, being void. The undefined does not cause me fear, as I myself am void. . Creating is simply trying  whatever comes up spontaneously, random thoughts, without any pre-arranged agenda or goal behind them. Like in ‘Under the Tuscan sky’: just laying down the tracks, in case the train arrives someday, and if not, it is fine too. I don’t have to make the most of each day any more, no matter the weather. Some days I do absolutely no-thing, and it is enough.

 My big sister, whom I hadn’t’ been in touch with for years, and who was here in 2007 when I met Michael, and the whole thing took off for me,  all of a sudden got back into contact with me, quite unexpectedly. We e-mailed for a bit, talked about our lives, and it was fine, but I no longer felt towards her the way I had before, when she was simply my biological sister, and we shared a world. She was far away now, I felt distant, and although I sensed great deep love, I also sensed my removal. My responses no longer were what they had been, and I talked about stuff, and in a way that was strange to her. The new had become my normal, my way of life, and until then, I hadn’t truly realised how full I was with it, how totally overflowing with love I had become, in every aspect of my life was drenched in it, and how every word and action of mine was saturated with this new way. How I spoke and lived was very normal to me, yet to her it was all just strange, surreal, Japanese, and she could not relate to it. And although I enjoy all kinds of brief interactions with people I meet everywhere, without feeling the need to speak about myself and my ways, in my personal life, with those close to me -who I basically did not have- , I feel the need to truly express myself as I am, and be received as such.

Some weeks ago I watched a movie called ‘Under the Tuscan sky’, where a woman, after a rough and sudden divorce goes on holiday to Tuscany, and then decides to stay there, buying herself an old Italian villa. At some point she meets a lovely young Italian guy. They really hit it off,  and share one very passionate night, yet for some reason the relationship just can’t seem to take off. Each time she wants to go see him, or he comes to see her, something comes up that stops them form reconnecting. So the guy lets it go, and ends up with somebody else, which greatly disappoints her. He tells her how these things just need to happen naturally, and when things keep popping up to keep them apart, then them being together it is simply not the way to go, a signal from the universe to give it up and let it go. That certain experiences serve to help us move on, and one should never regret those. Then, to comfort her, being the great sweet guy that he is, he takes her face between his hands, looks her in the eye, tells her not to worry, and says: “There is someone there for you…” …Than I just broke into tears, sobbing all over the place. I guess that little sentence struck a nerve in my soul, a heartstring was severely pulled….Lord only knows how deeply I have been longing for someone to truly be able to see, hear and receive me, love and appreciate me as I truly am. In this world of ego one so seldom meets people that are completely open and receiving, who one can truly connect to, heart to heart. It is very rare…in fact....I have not experienced it yet. I have missed having someone around that truly listens, looks, sees and hears, on the deepest levels, without an evaluating, judging ego standing in the way. One that appreciates my total openness, and shares of himself in the same way. Michael sure needed to make a quantum leap to get to me now. I looked into the void so long, I had actually become her.

This particular void or desert was also accompanied with a review of all I had been through during the process (not of the life I had before the process began, that review had already taken place last year or so). Many guiding, telling dreams I had over the years, as well as certain events (now turned meaningless) revisited, just popping up in my minds’ eye.

I remembered this dream, where I was in a kind of house, yet it was also a prison, and I was in the kitchen doing stuff, cleaning, cooking and such. Then this big guy, looking like a cross over between ZZ-Top and Santa Clause showed up, wanting to have sex with me, he was the prison ward. Then he takes out his erected ‘thing’ and it was ginormous! He pulled a 120 l. garbage bag over it by means of condom. So I  said “Nuhuh, no way is that ever gonna work, I can’t ta-ke all of  that!’ but I could take it, all of it, and then some. Some people explained this dream as me feeling fucked over by the ‘universe’ (obviously the perspective/place they themselves were at), but I simply always saw it quite literally: I thought I could not take this whole ordeal or process, it was simply too much….But it turned out I could actually take it, that I was extraordinarily strong and resilient in every way, and could in fact take it all, and more. After all…this big guy entering or penetrating me, was no other than me, the God inside, that knew very well I could handle all of it, and even move beyond. I also remembered a dream about a pretty, colourful village, with water for streets, where a family fed me through their window, and I was alone in a house. Suddenly it started raining huge rocks, and 3 angels, that kind of looked like smoke forms or clouds, appeared, and I cried with gratitude and screamed ‘I knew you’d co-me!” I think this dream speaks for itself. I remembered being visited by a very urging pressing, quite eerie presence on several occasions. And the ‘darkness’ or ‘evil’ visiting me in the form of a very creepy old man, straight from a horror movie. First time he totally creeped me out, second time I wasn’t impressed so much anymore, 3rd time I kicked him out, for good. Those early days of processing were accompanied by blowing every light bulb in the house, some even more than once or twice, and the lights in the house switching themselves on and off all by themselves. I had several dreams of reconstructing and remodelling houses, electric cables and water pipes being rewired. One dream about being on a boat with my dad, sailing amidst some very beautiful paradise like pacific islands. One dream was very magical, where I was visiting some palace surrounded by mountains, from which 3 or more waterfalls came down, all around the palace. I was outside, in the cobble stone streets and places. Then we went down some beautiful wide stone stairs, I was in a crowd of people, and those stairs actually went un-der the water, which was more like a grey mist or nebula. (Water symbolises the spiritual btw.) Those dreams were guidance to me, and I remember them quite vividly to this day, even though they came to me many years ago already.

I also recalled being banned and removed from a certain forum, people falling all over me, feeling insulted by things I spoke of, taking it all very personal. It was the tower of Babel, where no one could hear or understand what I was truly saying, coming from another world and speaking a different language. They were still ruled by ego and filtered, judged and weighed each and every word, and I was ego-less speaking from the heart, free, clear and pure, from beyond. They had no real clue (of the love) what I was talking about. The builders of the tower of Babel, the ego, wanted to not only be closer to the sky/God, and observe the stars (The Babylonians were in fact the ones who ‘caught’ time, ordered and named the 12 signs of the zodiac, the 12 planets in our solar system etc. they divided everything up in 12 - unknowing of the 13th planet hiding behind our sun- They were also the ego chasing after having the ‘biggest, best, highest, prettiest’ etc. After my banning, the owner of the forum started a topic about me, which I did not read, but heard about from people who wrote me by e-mail, that was called ‘the chronicles of Ilse’ (I guess I had a huge impact there, for them to spend so much energy on me). This title I actually liked, and used for my website, and this book. After all, these are all my experiences and insights, and one can only ever speak for oneself, as all experiences are unique to the individual experiencing them. I never considered myself as more important than others, although that is what they heard, from their perspective, but I do know that my task was simply bigger, not more important, just bigger, that’s all. People place value and judgment on everything, and hear judgment, value placed and criticism everywhere all the time, because that is who they are. They take everything personal, and than attempt to project this personal emotion or experience onto the other, who in turn takes it personal and mirror the reaction back at the one that sent it in the first place. Those who do not feel secure and good with and about themselves, won’t allow for others to feel good either, they wish to see their own pain and discomfort reflected, so that their world makes sense to them, and they feel familiar and ‘in charge’.

That is exactly why I had to be removed from communities like that, as I needed to go at it alone, push on, and break new ground, not hang around and stay stuck someplace.

By solely following other peoples’ ideas, and trying to fit their mould, one never gets to hear, lis-ten to and follow ones’ own inner voice and guidance, which we all have. We should all follow our own yellow brick road. The more one zooms out, the more one sees and becomes known and possible. A small zoom cannot be projected onto a newer, larger zoom, as the second one will simply not fit within the first ones’ narrow margins. I never judge, but just make neutral observations, without there being any personal opinion or attachment behind it. (even if people may hear judgment, that is just simply theirs, not mine). I am no longer susceptible to the old ways and responses. Humans can hardly understand this way of being, as they do not know it, nor have they experienced anything like it. So, one forgives their ignorance. How is one supposed to explain/describe what sugar tastes like, to one has never had it in ones’ mouth before?

None of these old events or memories mean anything to my anymore, when recalling them, I feel absolutely no-thing, no emotion of any kind. They simply came up for a short review, looking back, to then be closed off and away for good. Like that tiger in ‘The life of Pi’, disappearing into the jungle forever. I felt I never got a chance to live …my real true life still had yet to begin. I felt, that as the summer slowed down, working her  way to a definite close, and na-ture was slowly fall-ing asleep, to hibernate through winter, so too my current (material) reality was being put to rest, dying away to me, to soon end for good. A seasons’ change.

I am now zoomed out to the max, to the extent where everyone and everything fits into my view/ lens. Panorama-view. All ways of being are embraced. (To think that until 9 years ago, I never even so much as touched a computer, feeling apprehensive about technology, as it felt rather unnatural and weird to me, to now having lived my life/story mostly online, in the virtual world of the internet over the last 6 years. There was simply no physical life to tend to, it all took place in the ethereal realms. I was always more a magical thinker and dreamer, technology felt rather…well…harsh and ‘square’, or boxed, where dreams and magic are free and limit-less. Now both world are integrated into my way of being, as one).  No one needs to live up to my expectations, as I have none. Nor do I have to live up to other peoples’ expectations any longer, which is sheer bliss. No longer having to hit the mark, fit the bill, meet anyone’s’ needs or requirements, squeeze into any tight straight jackets, be perfect, answer to standards, or colour between the lines. I finally became myself again, pure, without all the garbage, as I remembered me from being a small child, when I entered this world naively, unaware of its weirdness and harsh ways. Love does not fit within any margins, as it knows none. Love does not stick to or fit within any rules, concepts or definitions designed by the head, as love springs from the heart, and cannot be caught or defined. Love is indifferent to such things, she frolics around, free and open, does not allow herself be captured or pinned down. She will pop up where least expected, even when one thinks there is no room for her there.

It all feels like it happened in another life, or to someone else, not me.

The portals or canals one must pass through to reach the other side, become ever narrower, one is forced to drop ever more ballast, and become ever more streamlined and lighter, so one can move easily, quickly and effortlessly with gods’ dance. One of the reasons I had to move to the alps/mountains to start this process, is that when living on elevation, one is farther removed from the earth core, from the spinning centre which generates gravity. Thus, with less gravity, one is lighter, less earth bound so to speak, it becomes easier to connect higher, to an in between state, between heaven and earth. In the Netherlands where I was born, grew up, and lived most of my previous life, I was pretty much on the lowest point, way below sea level, and closest to the earth core. I needed to go from the lowest level, the deepest abyss of human emotion, to the highest, both physically and emotionally. Not to mention mountains breathe, like trees, a kind of photosynthesis, during the day they breathe in cosmic information, and during the night they breath it out, into the earths’ energy lines and water flows. The divine rhythm sounds in every heartbeat, of every stone, water drop and being in this universe, steered by nothing else but our own vibration and consciousness. Like the crop circles show(ed): we/life/creation waxes and wanes, breathes, pulsates, blows up and deflates again, comes into being and dissolves, connections are made and undone again, all following the divine rhythm, flowing in ebb and flood, birth and death, contractions and expansions. Beautiful and horrible at the same time. The chemical rushes greatly resemble flu, and menopause, hot flashes and everything, for both sexes. ( I don’t have to bother with menopause again, having had 6 years of it already).

In the new era, what is now 50 years life span, will equal approx. 500 years. As ‘time’ slows down, life extends. Seeing inter-dimensional ‘beings’ also becomes normal. Flares of other worlds float by almost constantly. There is always all kinds of ‘stuff’ flying around me, lights, smells, shadows, sparkles and many other ‘things’. Feeling essences from another world stroke your skin and hair, brush against you, or simply sparkle, dance and jump around you is more rule than exception, and heightened senses are also a natural ‘side effect’ of integrating the higher realms. Colours are more brilliant and bright, vision, hearing, taste and smell become much sharper. Sexual orgasms reach much higher and deeper, become much more intense, and full body. As one merges ever deeper with the god/divine (or higher self), these are all regular occurrences. It is the new normal. Recently I looked after my upstairs neighbours’ flowers while she was away on holiday, and wasn’t even in the least bit surprised when one day, as I opened the door, all of a sudden the TV switched itself on and started to happily, and very loudly zap through all the channels all by itself. It didn’t freak me out or anything, one gets used to lights and appliances switching themselves on and off without you so much as even laying a hand on them…It’s all in the game. When you take your new vibration into a room, anything can happen. Everything responds, and eventually adjusts to your vibe.

In the wake of this big shift, the planet will be flooded by many developments, new technolo-gies, discoveries and inventions in the field of medicine, science etc., in all areas of human life. The doors have now been opened, and everything and everyone will be affected. Everything has been knocked out of its old groove, and there is no going back. Researchers now admit that their brightest, best ideas and clearest insights come to them when doing absolutely no-thing, being still (the way the zero holds everything, every potential, and adds value to any number). And those researching agriculture have discovered multi cultures result in stronger, healthier plants that don’t need pesticides and such, as the variety of plants in the field naturally takes care of bugs and other invading energies. Some plants serve as deflectors for others, attracting the bugs which would otherwise, if they weren’t there, damage the monoculture (the way planet Jupiter catches potentially damaging meteors by attracting/catching them in its’ huge ginormous gravity field). It only takes a little rewiring, rethinking and some small adjustments in agricultural processes. Just like humans, plants need variety. Uniforms are silly, stupid and damaging, being open to all kinds and their unique traits is key. Animals do better when not forced together in great numbers (just like humans need space and silence form time to time), and trees and plants actually happily sing along when one sings or plays music around them. Basically, humanity hasn’t even scratched the surface yet…there are many new ways to learn and un- or discover. Zooming out and embracing or integrating the versatility in all, instead of just focus-sing on one aspect or way of being will become the main theme.  Life and creation comes and goes with the tides, eras pass by. Don’t ask yourself where your path is, wherever your are now, there lies your path.

Looking into the void = looking into yourself, coming face to face with your own core being/essence. For many humans in ‘the process’ it is boot camp. The stillness that surrounds you, the emptiness you are in, where you are forced to look at/face your own demons, in order to rise above and beyond them. Where you are being emptied out, dropping every illusion of who you are not, alone, morphing, rewiring/ recreating/ reconstructing yourself, and nothing moves or manifests, except for those things that support you in learning to see with new eyes, and learning to hear with new ears. Dropping off/doing away with all the illusions, all that is not truly you. Until finally you reach the neutral centre-point/point-zero, and recognise your true Self, your core innocent essence. Until you yourself have become/are the reflection of the void/love. And by this, you facilitate change in everyone that, in turn, looks into (the mirror of) you. This is how God brings about change on the Earth, by changing the mirror-reflections, thus offering itself a new image/theme to look into. The same way any cunningly placed chain of ordinary mirrors reflects light to illuminate the inside of a building or basement, or to simply transfer an image from mirror to mirror, even over great distance...Some simply had to go first, cut free a trail, create a path, pave the way, and change themselves (some also transmuted the old energy stored in the earth, filtering it, making it all new), in order to become the mirror the world/game needed. From there, the rest flows/transfers all by itself, a natural process. Change yourself, the image/reflection you send/breathe out, and you change the world.

This void is created by no one other than you. The God inside you thus forces itself to step back, detach itself from the physical, and look into all the surrounding (self-created) mirrors. The mirror of silence and void that brings about the anxiety that needs to be released, the mirrors of situations (like for instance illness/dis-ease, both your own as those of others), and people that carry a message to you, showing you who you are being, thus asking/urging /offering you to decide for yourself what does and does not fit you, who you are and who you are not.  It all begs/forces you to go/move beyond and choose, to be God/void/love, and decide your own reality. Without rejecting any of the mirrors that you held up for yourself in the process, in the form of people (=you) and circumstances (=you), as they are all you, and merely serve you.  It all serves you. It was and is always you.

It’s like going through a picture book, looking at/into all the pictures, and deciding which one(s) is(are) you, which ones reflect best what you feel inside (for that moment)…Some need to look very long at certain pictures, and need to play a certain role very extensively, before deciding they are done with it and moving on, turning a new page. (‘mother’, ‘bully’, ‘sister’, ‘lover’, ‘son’, ‘victim’,’ abuser’, ‘caretaker’, ‘musician’, ‘politician’, ‘(cancer-)patient’, ‘fat person’, ‘ugly duckling’, ‘nurse’, etc…All roles facilitating each other, as mirrors). As I mentioned before, it is all just a very cunning game of dress up. In the old world this was all taking place under the veil, without awareness of own creative divinity. In the new world this takes place in full awareness of ones’ divine creativity and influence. So…be aware, and take your power back...It takes great awareness, detachment and observation. A constant conscious awareness and decision not to let yourself get dragged into all those thoughtless, automatic responses/ reactions the old world is so very accustomed to, as they are used to simply blindly projecting back everything they see and feel around them, allowing everything they are confronted with to program and decide their responses for them, like a projection screen without a will/choice of its own. (Everything that matches/reflects each other is always brought together, as one functioning whole, be it pleasant or unpleasant. It is which ever you choose it to be). One does not need to take on the pain and discomfort the world around you attempts/wishes to invoke in/bestow upon you. People (can) program themselves to be ‘in love’ for various reasons, either because that particular person fits their standards (= head-stuff), or excites/arouses them in a way, or whatever. The vibes match, like someone with low self-esteem, coming from a violent, abusive background, by a father or the likes, willl often attract a relationship with an abuser, that treats her/him like dirt. As she/he sees her/himself, so he/she will be treated. These in-programmed infatuations/relationships generally will not last, and have nothing to do with the real thing: true, unbiased, purely innocent love. True love does not hold to any standard or program, and basically breaks all the rules/limitations humans placed upon her. I guess humans were simply scared of this invisible ungraspable thing called love, and all the incontrollable emotions, physical and otherwise,  that accompany her.

Humans reflect/mirror each other, the earth takes in human consciousness, and in turn projects/breathes it out into the universe, where the hall/chain of mirrors thus continues, and a transfer takes place, mirroring/breathing in and out the energy-imprint from world to world. Each world using/adjusting it to perfectly fit its own unique requirements.

All the beauty, abundance and love I carry within, I see now coming back to me, reflected back at me via the world/reality surrounding me; by Michael, peoples’ donations, support, gifts and the kind words of gratitude coming my way....In order to receive such gifts (our own love & abundance mirrored back at us), one must first learn to open up, and receive, to see and hear divinity. God= the void. That’s why Gods’ voice can only be heard in the stillness, the empti-ness, the silence. One can only truly come to the God within through the desert, the absence of all things and activities, the undefined, ’deprivation’ if one wishes to call it that. In the void one is still, unhindered, becomes uncluttered, and discovers the true nature of being and creation, from peace and quiet.

It all truly is one big hall of mirrors: The moon reflects the sunlight. The left side of the earth reflects the right side, the downside the upside (polar opposite reflections). Water reflects the sky: the canyons, plant life and fish beneath the water mirror the mountains, plant life and birds above water. The upper part of the body mirrors the lower part of the body: brains reflect bowels (both digesting input/information/food). Kidneys reflect lungs, both being filtering installations: one of air, the other of water (water and air being the representatives of spirit, ensuring and transporting/conduit mediums for life, carrying life, creation and information). G-spot and prostate reflect the pineal gland. Clitoris and top of the penis reflect the pituitary gland. Vagina, anus and penis reflect the throat.  Vagina and throat are both entrance and exit.  The heart reflects the navel and solar plexus area, which is a sun, star, nucleus, circulation network, hub or grid, where many ‘channels’ meet up and exchange or feed information. Like a electrical wiring installation, the cables all coming together in one box, where stuff flows in and out, while being regulated. The diaphragm/solar plexus area being the ‘place’ where heaven (inner) and earth (outer) meet, separated by a thin, but tough membrane, yet interconnected through many ‘channels’, being veins and other  such ‘pipes’. Arms mirror legs. The senses in the face (eyes, nose, ears, and taste) reflect the sensibility in the genitals/sex-organs. Up= the mouth where food goes in (intake), down= the mouth/anus where food comes out (excretion). Everything is intertwined, within the body, humanity, planet earth, the solar system, and beyond….It is one body, one circulation, interconnected by endless arteries and veins. Nothing is ever separate, as it is all God.

The upper part of the body serves mostly the intake of information; the lower part of the body mostly serves the excretion. Of course there is feminine in masculine, and masculine in feminine, and so we can also throw up via the mouth (=up), breathe both in and out (excretion) through the mouth (and nose), and receive semen/babies via the vagina (=down) as well as excreting babies via the same entrance/opening, to name just a few examples. (Divine/ethereal energy is received via the solar plexus, working it’s way through the body both upward and downward. Also the sex-organs/glands receive energy/information, sending it ‘up’, while the glands in the head excrete hormones that work their way downward throughout the body, etc. so up = down, and down = also up, exit=entrance and entrance= also exit. The masculine brings it outward (material), the feminine takes it inward (ethereal). I am sure you can figure out the rest for yourself. (I wrote about all these things loooooong time ago, in the (illustrated) articles about the 11:11, and crop circles, etc. )

It is simply all one big hall of mirrors, (in) the image of God. Gods’ image reflected (in)to infinity. It is all one (big) closed circle/system/circulation, one round whole....It was/is all created by you and for you. This process of cleansing you force onto yourself, to teach yourself, so that you may look into yourself, to learn to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears, to teach yourself to truly and clearly ‘listen’ & ‘see’, above and beyond all illusions, in order to be(come) the God you truly are. This is ‘the splitting of the ‘red sea’…as in fact, there was never any sea to begin with, it was always just an illusion. ...It is your own (low or high) vibration that decides how ‘thin’ or ‘thick’ your reality flows. As all reality is fluid. A high vibe (=love) has a very swiftly and effortlessly flowing reality. A low vibration (=not love) has a very sluggish, lumpy movement :D

The rape/abuse of children reflects the rape of original innocense, mirrors what the old world is all about...showing her who she is being, with all her distortions and blocks to love. These 'victims' serve as the worlds' mirror...same way the 'terrorist' shows/mirrors/reflects the world and the human it's own inner terrorist....it points out to humanity who she is currently being, what her current story/theme is about...and she can change it at any time...

The void/love invites you to drop all definition, to move beyond all the illusions of the flesh…as your core essence = (the) void.  You are the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. It all begins and ends with you. And then, uncluttered, beyond all illusions, you are ready to see into the mirror of truth, the core (you), of pure original innocent love, and create anew, from a different perspective.  This is in fact where I come/came/originate from, ‘before’ (also) coming into the flesh/on the earth. I come from ‘The Beginning’, from that which is first, pure and straight from the core/ source, the original state, the point of origin - from formlessness, before all definitions and creations (as definitions solidify energy into a certain form, catching her, locking her up/in, making her rigid/concrete/non-fluid). Not from any derivative or world, as those come/came ‘later’, ‘after’ the core, created by/from and out of the core. Everything (world/reality) flows forth from (and back to) the void…from us…We breathe out love & creation. We are the one heart, circulating the blood of life to legions of cells; we are the lungs that filter life.

It is hard to describe where I now landed, it’s the land of Oz. I never felt anything like this be-fore, it is all new. It feels kind of like…home…what I remember of it anyway. In the end/be-ginning, there is truly nothing left, all is empty, void of meaning and desire. There are no ‘wants’ or ‘musts’, no impulses, no plans or concepts left. There is complete oneness with all. One has become undefined, without any concept of life, no idea of what life is supposed to be. There is no more meaning, point or importance to anything. It is life without goals, time-frames or things to achieve. As I travelled in my time capsule, across all ages and worlds, and witnessed so many different ways,  I learned to see and respect the beauty in all. Nothing trig-gers any automatic response, all is calm and remains neutral and peaceful. One feels distant, careless, yet connected. Far away, yet present. I pretty much lost interest in anything that is not, or does not come from love. Drama for the sake of drama does not interest me, peoples’ stories and experiences, of  how they learned, grew and developed do. I love hearing about the processes and progressions…but I do not get personally involved in any stories. I am distanced, present and alertly listening and observing, yet uninvolved, not participating. I keep trying to find the words to describe it all, but the more words come up, the less they cover the load…And there are simply not enough pages to fit them all on anyway.

The new land/world is a wondrous place to be. It is open, clear, free, fresh, clean, restful, quiet, peaceful, loving, soft, gentle, tender, and sweet. The feeling is not anything known to this world, and I seriously think new words and expressions need to be invented here, to explain and describe these new sensations and emotions of life. There simply don’t exist any words for it in the old world/language, the old tongue simply does not cut it, is insufficient. This newness is not anything known to this earth and humanity, it is out of this world. It does not nearly resemble any of the feelings and sensations one has when in the transition zone of ascending, or before. This is having arrived, and is something totally different. No one could have ever pre-pared us for this, as there are simply no words or expression adequate to explain it. There is nothing like it on this earth, and hasn’t been ever before, not like this. This also means no one could have told or prepared us for the ‘life after’, as it is new, there is no concept of it, it has never been done before, so it is totally new, no one knows how to navigate or manoeuvre in this new land. Nothing is or functions like ‘before’. Nothing will ever be the same again. The old world has been left behind for good, there is no going back, nor any desire to do so. I have totally surrendered to the fact that in this new land, I do not know the customs, and so I have no real idea of what I need. What the human (thinks he) wants is not the same to what he needs, what suits him and fits who he is, supports his essence. With ones’ head none of this can be determined. With the heart/love one simply flows naturally, lets it all happen as it occurs. Sometimes I think there is something I’d like or want, but then there is no charge behind it, and I immediately let it go again, it either  will or  will not manifest, all the same. The dreams of a new life I used to have, I let go of some time ago, because in this new world, I do not know if that indeed is the way to go, everything works differently here. I would basically be fine anywhere, and I am certain the God inside knows best what is suitable for me. I have no direction or will of my own any longer, it is all in gods hands. I have moved beyond words, this new world is no-thing known to man, and humanity has not any concept or knowledge of it. I have no clue how one ‘does’ life  in this new place, it is all unknown. Who knew that all the time this world was right there, for the taking, hiding behind the next bend, right behind the curtain. All we had to do  was pull the drapes back, and look behind, to reveal and see this hidden treasure.  Here there is no passion, no drive, just presence, joy and a constant inner state/sensation of deep well being & serenity. No matter what goes on on the outside (be it physical pain, or people/situations), the inside is always neutrally balanced out. Everything motivated/engined by peace and love. All is always well with my soul. In this space everything heals and flows spontaneously, also bad eye sight and other such remnants of times past dissolve…Because here, none of it means anything anymore, so it does not exist. Health, vitality and youth a natural side-effect. Here we constantly float, pleasant and comfortable. And to think we’re only just beginning/ getting started. All the stars are now aligned in my own perfect universe.

There is distance, yet connection. I have never felt like this before. It feels strange, yet familiar. It is a place where there is no up or down, between above and below, somewhere in-between heaven and earth, a twilight zone, where all is one reflection without borders or separation lines. Time has stopped, 2 weeks seem like less than a day or even an hour, 1 days lasts an eternity. I have no sense of place or time anymore. All I do is surrender and float, I have no plans, no concepts, no definitions, no opinion, no passions, no goals. I simply move from the moment. Every idea, everything I always thought I wanted is gone, vanished, wiped clear. I am a Tabula Rasa, an unwritten blank page, a clean slate. I let love flow and take (care of) me, where ever it wants to go. I am open to anything, and empty vessel, a canal which allows, and lets every-thing flow through her, to where it needs to go. Natural balance is the foundation.

In ‘The life of Pi’ there are several scenes where Pi’s boat floats in an endless sea, and the still water surface perfectly reflects /mirrors the sky, in such a way there is no telling which is up or down, where the water ends and the sky begins. In one scene it is his uncle swimming or float-ing among the clouds in the fresh bright blue sky, then it is the smooth golden light of sunset and clouds being reflected, in another it is the magical pitch-black midnight star filled sky. That is similar to how I feel, where I am at: a single tiny boat, floating in/on an infinite ocean of uni-verse. No up or down, left or right. Neither on the earth nor in heaven. Water and sky being one big seamless whole (reflection/image), and I float amidst, all loose, hanging right in the middle. An in between world, just empty space, neither here nor there, open to anything, a magical central point, in both worlds, an open channel between the both. As if God forgot to create a shore and deliver me to it. One with god.  Me also being the sky and water, the still, clean and clear mirror, that reflects a pure image in both directions, without trying to distort, control or meddle with it. I receive love from heaven within, and project it outward, into the material world around me. Like a spotlight or searchlight, placing its focus, capturing everyone who enters into her circle in a warm bright sunbeam, a sea of love…And eventually, the world will reflect, and beam it back at me. Mirror signals. Eyes reflecting the light, in the soul of the life surrounding them. There is no striving, no place I am supposed to go, nothing I need to do, no one I need to be or see, nothing to accomplish or achieve. And I have no clue of what I want or need, nor do I bother with asking myself such questions. I just let god bring to me whatever it is that is suitable to my being at the moment. If one still has rigid preconceived plans or ideas, must do’s and must have’s, than one has simply not yet ‘arrived’. 

“It will all be okay in the end, so if it is not okay, then it is not yet the end.”

…….The coast was now clear, and Original Innocence beckons Michael to return and make us (original innocence) ‘real’…He has in those years apart also matured and grown. The old book closed, and a new one opened. The circle had been rounded, the cycle completed, everything was now made whole, came to a close. With our (physically) coming together, he ‘closed’ the ‘channel’ he/we opened (in me/us) all those years ago, thus sealing in/ establi-shing the new reality/future of (pure) original innocent/love in the physical/material present. The new circulation of 2 being 1…AKA: paradise or ‘the Garden of Eden’… pure and innocent like children.

Now Michael and I bring our/the original innocence into the flesh, and carry it out into the world wherever we go, simply by being who we are, not doing anything ‘special’ or ‘fancy’. Now I have truly and completely arrived ‘on the other side’, including physically/ materially. Now the whole world can see into the mirror of us.  We do not reflect back the old energies the way the old world is used to, but we show them love, harmony, unity and original inno-cence. The mere glance at/into our mirror of ‘the beginning’, is enough to make the transfor-mation start to happen. For some, looking into us will be/is very painful, and trigger(s) hurt and insecurity/ fear, as our pure love highlights every impurity, everything they carry inside of them that is not pure love, very often things they do not wish to look at/acknowledge. Thus, we ser-ve….a new’ role’ for both Michael and I…in the space/life beyond all purpose, definition and roles.  I was ready now to look into him/love, and so, naturally, he was also ready to look into me. He gives/reflects to me what I give/reflect to him: pure love. Love is now flowing free. I ne-ver just received him inside and with my body, but also in and with my soul….and there, where love is,  we always remained, and always  will remain one, melted together /into each other for all eternity,  even when our bodies were in different places. He soaks me up, as I breathe him in. We receive each other in the purest form, completely surrendering to one another with body and soul. Overlaying each other, all the way, without any layers in between holding us apart. We are eternally inseparable. Now we can see into each other unbiased, as one being, and the world can look into us…. and change accordingly. It feels so good, after a lifetime of being surrounded by, and looking into all those mirrors that were/are not me, to finally look in The One/Life that is me…the way the sky sees its own reflection in the water, and the sun sees its light reflected by the moon….. Like coming home…at last. Our reunion was the perfect completion to one story, and the perfect beginning of the next. This life, is all my dreams come true…simply divine.

So take my hand, (the way I took my Michaels’ hand during our lovemaking many years ago, as he was, by his body, leading me to lovely incredible ecstatic heights), and breathe in deep my love. Allow it to lift you up, transform and change you. Jump into the invisible depth, come with me, on the breath of (divine) love, of new birth, being carried by the breeze and water of pure spirit, and flow on the divine current…Don’t be afraid, we will not fall, for you will see: we are being held, carried by Love all the way…Like walking on water….And life becomes an ongoing orgasmic pleasure.

And so…it is done…and it/we began………Again

And it is far, so very far beyond……Words simply fail me….

 

 

the articles in this book were like a time-travel, throughout many dimensions, times and perspectives. If you looked carefully,  you ‘saw’ me move towards, into, through, out of, and past all of it, bit by bit, over the progression and creation of this book. Having made ‘rational’ sense of it all, I left it behind, and then went beyond all analyses, descriptions, words and explanations. Where I am now, nothing gets analysed, rationalised, measured, weighed or counted, nor named or defined. In another 10 years or so from now, I’ll probably find this book most hilarious and entertaining.

And it is not that those little life fantasies, daydreams or preferences of mine no longer exist or don’t come true, to the contrary…it is simply that they no longer matter. The story will be for-ever part of me, but no longer is me. Creating this book was like moving out, and taking one last look around the old, now empty house, wile checking to see if anything was forgotten or left out. A trip down memory lane, looking back, wile completing, and closing up the story, chapter by chapter. Closing this old door behind me one final time. The book can now be put away on the shelf, a mere memory, gathering dust…As a new door has opened, to my home.

So…is it all true? Yep, definitely!

Is it all false, a mere illusion or mirage? Yes, of course!

Does any of it truly really matter, carry any importance or meaning at all?  No way!

Was or is there any point to my (our) travel, and did it truly change anything, on any level or in any world? Sure it did…And nope…not at all…It all simply depends on how you look at it, from whatever angle, perspective and/or timeline one is in/on…God just loves a good story.

We journey, experience and create, because we can, just for fun…Now, only the fun memories prevail…But they’re all just stories, and will never be more than that. We all create our own, and change them at will…Nothing lasts forever or is preserved, but ever fading memories…. …from the far corners of our mind J

Truth changes with time.….And we always simply end up back where we began…

Right now, as winter slowly comes over the land, and fall progresses, I catch myself being flooded, engulfed, wallowing in the resonating sounds, and absorbing the richness of cherishing light and colours turning to a warm lazy red and sleepy gold, the scent of fresh air, and moist leaves in layers, mushrooms, bark and earth. The distant tinkle of cow bells cosily echoing thro-ugh the still lush, and juicy green mountain meadows, accompanied by the vague far away sound of cows’ compelling calls. The drunken buzzing of wasps already half asleep, drowsy, momentarily awoken back to a last flare of waning life, lured out of hiding by the hypnotising fragrance of overly ripened fruits, carried to them on a warm breeze of golden sunlight, sweet seducing perfumes of dissolving life, as nature slowly dozes off, soon to be covered by a thick, nurturing, fluffy, sparkling rainbow blanket of cool white-blue snow flakes…To come back on-line again, and unfold when spring arrives, and new life, exhilarating and vibrant, sprouts anew. Tiny, tender little heads and faces, carefully peeping up from beneath the soil where they were resting, turning towards the sun, heeding its irresistible call. I am caught in the middle of a magical fairy tale, and still only just beginning…Sinking ever deeper into all this lovely newness, and she sinking ever deeper into me.

Love

Ilse

 

Coming Home

posted Apr 6, 2014, 10:40 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Apr 13, 2014, 3:00 PM ]

well....since this is the month of crosses/squares/4's/foundations.....it seems that ever more cross-roads are also being crossed.....pillars/foundations pushed/jammed into the ground...

(as a small recap (nothing too detailed), since most of you do not know what has been going on in my life lately, as i did not really want to share until all was said and done: Last december/january, after the thing with my family i described in my new years' message, and having a compelling dream, where i was told i should go visit my Love's hometown again, the address he lived, i answered that call. (i am used to that by now, when love/spirit calls i simply jump, without hesitation). So, before going there (like i did last summer) i felt very odd, like life was going to change for good, right on the threshold....not to mention i was constantly very dizzy, like a drunk.

So...januar
y 24th, (the day my mom and dad held an event celebrating their 50 year anniversary of last november -they got married the day president Kennedy was killed)- i went to his address, and got to meet his parents (who knew nothing about me, he never told a soul about me), and his mom and i sat at the kitchen table, had a cup of cappuccino with her self-baked cookies, and she told me the tale....of how Michael had left for Canada 3 years ago (she missed him a lot, and had never ever expected to 'lose' him like that). I will not tell the whole story, but i was pleasantly surprised...no one of his family and friends had ever expected him taking such a plunge/huge step, as he was very very deeply rooted, attached and connected to his home, family, friends, set patterns and Bavarian culture..(Michael wasn't big on change) but he did it never the less. He could not even speak one word of English when we met, but now he learned (and can actually read my website). He never told me he was leaving, even though we exchanged xmas-wishes right before he went away, and had been in touch off and on during the years before -he left beginning of 2011-.

When i came back home and looked into the area where he lived/lives, i was pleasantly gobsmacked, as it is everything i love, it fits, and made strange but perfect sense.
He (the masculine/material) prepared me/us the perfect new place over there. Enough of that, too long story. Anyway, after that, he and i re-connected on facebook, i spilled my guts about all that had happened to me since he left in 2007 (trust me, god/spirit practically twisted my arm to make me do so)...and everything changed.

As it turns out, last summer, when i felt compelled to go to his home town, he was also about to also visit there a few weeks later, thus he was introduced back to me, by the letters and stuff i left behind there (
he is the male/masculine/material, and so slow to adjust, so he got/needed a head start ;D). It was because he was no longer living in his old home town that i could not feel him there last summer, and i had been for a while feeling like he no longer existed, and as it turns out, he didn't, not really. The old Michael is no more (and it runs quite deep too, as he has been very very homesick, and lost a lot of weight as a result of that, eating away at him...i gained the weight he lost, as in that mass, i held/anchored all our love/him, all by myself, during all these many years...When i saw his picture after all these years i was quite shocked, as he looked like a corpse, mere skin and bones, a shadow of his former self, there was this raw dead look in his eyes, like a deer that stares frozen into the headlights of a car, in total shock...or a tree that was violently yanked from its soil, roots and all, and never got to dig in, ground and grow roots again...totally frozen, cold, closed off, ungrounded and disconnected (from home/himself/me)...this move took a lot out of him...but i guess we can all relate). 

By doing what he did these last years, Michael as well faced his own fears big time, and was in the process yanked away from t
he old/familiar/comfortable patterns, and thrown into the new, where he could simultaneously prepare us a new life/space without knowing that was in fact what he was doing (he only ever saw and believed the appearances of it, not the deeper truth). So god made me confront him with me/himself, to wake him up, and bring/shock him back to himself with a jolt (my dream had told me he was now open to/ready for it/me). I heeded that call, and it was a very rough ride, for both him and me (he even blocked me on fb - even though i could see later he actually followed the 2 links i had given him to my website- ), but what else is new...by now i am used to being blocked, ridiculed, banned, cursed out etc...it does not break my peace...but this one was a challenge alright. it was a roller coaster ride, and my body went nuts, shaking, cold, sick...(but then i was actually able to detach from the situation, as i realised the deep shock my body (and i) was experiencing, was in fact what he was feeling in his soul/being, the state of disconnect he was in, soul-less...and so i detached, and left it with him, as his pain, for him to deal with and solve....after all the work i did, i had no intention whatsoever of taking anyones crap upon myself no more, not even, or especially not his, so i let it go..)....I never thought that after all the years of shattering all the illusions of this world, i would also now have to shatter his, break him free from the sleep/nightmare he had been in - returning the favour i suppose- and let him know his homesickness had a much deeper reason for being than he could have ever thought. As always, me being me, i held nothing back, and was very open and honest/frank about everything. Once we reunite in the flesh, he will be able to ground and grow roots, and be home.

(reminds me of that old russian fairytale of the snow-queen, she puts a splinter (form a miror) of ice inside the eye of the young man, whom she t
hen lures away form his true love, into her ice palace where she keeps him in the freezing cold, as with the splinter he can only see the snow queen as his love, all dazzled, and not his true love...his true love goes out and searches for him, faces many trials and challenges/obstacles along the way, but she never gives up, and does not let anything or anyone fool her, her love is pure and unwavering, and when she gets to him, he cannot recognise her, until the splinter washes form his eyes by his tears, as she touches and warms his heart with her love...breaks the spell, and basically defrosts/frees him...)

Anyways, to (try to) cut a very long story short, after he blocked me (it was good
he did, as he had heard enough, and it was time to each 'separately' tend to our own matters in preparation...without meddling in/taking care of each others' business), there were a few days of 'unsettledness'' (he blocked me on a sunday, february 2nd, then the tuesday thereafter, february 4th in the evening, i felt him come back to me, full force (i was flooded by images of us crying and hugging each other, and i sobbed loud and uncontrolably right along with it)...one day later, thursday february 6th, i saw he had visited my website again...so i knew things had been set in motion. Since then i have been told to prepare myself and get ready for the big move (to Canada, B.C.), so i have. I was kinda urged to be ready by the end of march. I have packed, thrown out, and given away everything i won't be taking with (i am not taking that much), i have been gathering all the necessary paperwork, i have been collecting some little itty bitties that are traditional to the area/culture he was born and raised in, which he associates with home, and which i have also lived in for the last 8 years (i had been flooded with these feelings of home, connected to all the stuff of his culture, so i went with it, and gathered little itty bitties that would make him feel at home -like recepees for the food from home, and music for ex.-, apart from me of course :)...there were all these gentle yet intense feelings of love, nurturing, tenderness and home. Waves, upon waves, upon waves.... so precious.....sometimes the waves receded a bit, leaving me on the new land, then the next wave intensified again, taking/carrying/washing me even further onto the new beach/land, ever deeper into home...Like the tide coming in, the water rising ever higher with each wave (i grew up by the sea, can ya tell ;))...it's been a lovely/truly loving experience....coming home at last...

I also had some clearing to do during t
he very first weeks, some very superficial stuff, some anger i had to work through...As i was shredding my old paperwork/life, i worked through a lot. I would be fine, at peace and floating on all these wonderful feelings and merging for like 5 days, and then there would be a day of releasing anger...so all in all, the releases were very few and brief, though intense enough to the human (not to the alien inside, who remains calm and centred always). The releasing was superficial, did not run deep, as these were not old pains, but recent ones, brought about by being confronted with the new Michael (who had lost his warm innocence as i regained/-claimed mine) and the whole new story, which had never settled into my cells/system, but were torched off my energy field before ever being able to dock on and settle in, just as a clearing precaution/ measure. And as i was packing my stuff, everything coming into my hands, like photo-books etc, i said goodbye to my family and everything here in my heart (never thought my new life would be on the other side of the world, neither he nor i ever had any real ambitions in that direction, but it makes perfect sense, far away from all that was before...And i had told god a year or so earlier: i don't care where you want me to go, i'll go wherever, as long i get to be with my Love)...It was a process of preparing, packing up and letting go. In energy it meant waves and waves of lovely feelings of new and home flooding in, in different stages, carrying different themes and intensities. I was being flooded by all these images of the new life he and i were going to have, it was overwhelming, exhilirating, intimidating, daunting, lovely etc...and i was settling into the new place in Canada as well...The re-introduction to my (new) Love, and the new place and everything was truly totally mind-blowing and daunting at first...but i adapt/ adjust pretty easily and swiftly to new situations, so...as i made the arrangements, i also settled into it ever more....but there were weeks and weeks where i felt like i was floating/being carried at least one metre above ground, my arms and legs felt all light, almost not even there...and my breathing's been wide open, expansive)

The off and on releasing only lasted about 3 weeks, until t
he 28th of february, then i was done (he came to me twice in dreams again, telling me he had been glad to hear from me, and he was on his way)....and it was only lovely...i cried many tears, but these were tears of relief, as i felt my Love and i merge ever deeper, him moving/coming ever deeper into me. It was for a part also very sexual...and my food started tasting so good, my body started feeling so good, and many more such indications of the lights coming back on, and enginges starting, and simply returning to new life, being resurrected, and coming alive....

(and i must sa
y, i was never really that aware of the fact how truly connected he and i are also in a telepathic sense, i never really occupied my mind with what i felt, where it came from, i just went with whatever i was feeling and seeing in my minds' eye, i never lost myself in it, or hung a label on it, like it being/coming from my Twin...i was always more focussed on getting the work/job done, and translating what i saw into language everyone could understand, keeping it very down to earth and real in a way). This connection now seems to have gotten more and more intense since last january)..there have been many images, like me holding his head close to my heart, kinda soothingly speaking to him like: 'it's okay love, just come on home'...accompanied by all these feelings of tremendous tenderness, nurturing, protectiveness etc, i must have been (and still am) connecting to him (he comes to me, and i simply receive, embrace and support him), lovingly guiding and helping him, comforting him.

There was a big drop (i actually, the night prior, the 21st to 22nd of marc
h, even dreamt i saw a baby fall backwards down the stairs after it had almost made it to the top, dead...telling me much was going to fall/die after i/we arrived, and it felt so as well...like old energy leaving/dying...the door closed, and some who assumed they were almost there, did not make it over the threshold in 'time'...) This 'drop' or fall lasted about 3 days, from the late 23rd, to the early 27th of march...then some new wave of lovely/home/new came in....as you can see, we are moving (through all the corridors) quite fast now...settling/anchoring in ever more profoundly.... Michael has been making his own preparations, dealing with his own stuff, adjusting his material reality to align with/accomodate the new, as i have been doing mine...so we can meet when we're all done, free and clear, in order to fully accomodate each other and the new reality, when the 'time' is right...(although i must say: i am done already, as i represent the female or pure energy/ spirit... but Michael, representing the guy/male/material is slower to arrive/change :).....pure energy/spirit moves fast, the material does not, being way more dense)

That was the recap, in a nutshell :)...maybe i'll turn the whole and complete story into a booklet later...who knows...i just might...
but what is now happening is very different to anything we did before...this is simply it....we're actually coming home....it is massive...

last night was different....again...but in essence the theme is all the time some stage or cross roads was crossed, and the door behind me closes with a bang...it actually feels like i am passing through/crossing something (pleasant), and then once i am through, BANG, i land (no release or clearing of any kind, i just land), and move onto the next (pleasant) rail/energy-corridor....i can almost hear and feel this landing-bump/thump, like when a plane lands and first touches ground, bump....i felt that quite a few times now....like right (the day) before the equinox, after all the feelings/weeks of coming home, bump (that is also when my dizziness finally stopped, after 3 full months....and i looked around like: what was that, what just happened? like being suddenly put out on the sidewalk, after having traversed this lovely hallway...suddenly, the door opens and bump, out you are, door closed behind you..now what?...then, another flow/hallway comes in)... then with the entering of april 1st, bump (the tide then went out for a day or so, rebooting)...and last night it was....well, another docking on of sorts, but more weird...the plane stopped...so it seems...(those loving feelings of home have become ever more profound, normal, settled in....real if you like...no more like coming home, but more like actually being home)

it's like i keep docking on/landing ever more profoundly.....first the back wheels touched down, then the nose...then we stopped... it seems last night i/we stopped, and reality flipped....and everything appeared so odd and unreal during a few hours....and now we wait until that exit-hallway-thingy-on-wheels gets attached to the doorway of the plane...and then we wait for the doors to open, and we get out....(remember what it's like when everyone gets off the plane? it's slow...and sometimes a bit...crowded and messy...stay calm people, we all get to debark sometime soon)

something like that anyways....

anyhow...i showered after the flip last night...watched another movie, went to bed, took me longtime to get to sleep (normally i am out within minutes),  my heart went fast ...and i woke up too soon/early to my taste, with a slight headache and a bit shortness of breath (which is already gone again), and some cramps in my tummy/back (also gone now).....and well....i dunno what's next... we'll see....we all have to get off this plane in an orderly fashion, one after the other...so....patience is in order...again...

the inner world is the only truth/reality.....i feel all these things happening, in energy....yet i can't see anything of it in the material world...yet...

the (now empty) facades haven't fallen yet, but they are in fact truly only mere meaningless material illusions/facades/appearances/images, soon to fall and adapt/adjust to the new material reality, as the life/mass/fill has been sucked outta them already, and they only still stand to uphold appearances, as they are unaware still their foundation was taken from underneath them, their fill is gone, and all they now are, are empty facades, with no grounds to stand on, nothing to hold them up....they have in fact already died, but simply do not know it yet, and continue on their usual business...until the hammer falls, and the juice runs out...(i am thinking/feeling that is how humans die as well...their soul leaves their body days or even weeks prior, before their body actually dies...the fassade is upheld for a while....until it's perfect time for it to fall...it's just a body/facade with no soul, that keeps on mechanically going through the motions of life, like an echo....until it runs outta juice....like a puppet, whose battery dies...- like this man on the crashed flight 370, he left his wedding ring and watch at home, and told his wife to save it and give it to his kids in case anything happened to him...he knew/felt it...he already kinda detached from the physical beforehand...-)

all i know is that we're doing it, we've landed this plane...and are now making/bringing/touching down the new energy reality into an actual physical one as we go along, for ourselves as well as the collective. trust the truth that resounds in your heart and soul at all times, as it is the only thing that's real.

last night it appears they may have found the (signal of the) black box to that plane that went down in the ocean, after 4 weeks of
searching......now they still have to bring it up to the surface form the ocean bed where it rests....

Chile is bracing for a huge earth quake...the big one...experts say it should be coming, it's due...but who knows when, or where....(L.A. had a bit of a shake up a couple of weeks ago)

Michael Schumacher (world famous race car driver) seems to be waking up out of his coma (since last december he's been 'out', after a serious skiing accident in the Swiss alps, where he hit his head on a rock - did wear a helmet btw- ). Peaches Geldoff died, so did Mickey Rooney...

and a vulcano errupted someplace i south america i think, i forgot :)
..and there was an earth quake of 5,19 in the south-east of France today, not really the first place people would expect such a thing...recently we even had some small quakes here in Tyrol, Austria...Earth too is doing her share, working to accomodating the new reality, taking it all in...also releasing/cleansing alongside humanity by means of (volatile) weather patterns etc)

lots of (also) geomagnetic tension/pressure...i can sense it even....

...until those doors open, and we break through/get off... like when a plane goes through the sound barrier....BANG....the 'gun'
goes off....

maybe, in a way, we are all bracing/poised for our own event....each world & human in its own unique stage of evolution/ consiousness.... bracing for the big one...the big thrust/push....break through...

(and for some it's already happened...the further /higher 'up' the ladder of consiousness you are, the 'later' you will settle into your new material, as the material has a 'bigger distance' to cross so to speak, in order to catch up, as those more attached or 'closer' to the material, will also settle in sooner  -among other reasons- ....things being multi-dimensional and all, there are always many sides/facets...the 'lower' rungs settling in first, then also serves to anchor in the 'higher' ones...the higher ones can only let go of their space, once the lower ones have settled in, otherwise the house of cards would fall apart, as the higher ones not only prepare, but also hold all the energy, until everyone's settled in...'the first shall be the last'...so, we're working inside-outward, as well as downside-upward.)

changes....changes....facades falling...

we are now holding in our breath....waiting to exhale..

love
ilse

p.s: btw...those big supporting astrological events that are currently underway (there is talk of eclipses, solar flares and cardinal grand crosses...people seem a bit frantic about it), serve to stamp or seal in the new reality...the earth is also the cross... jesus/christ got nailed/stamped to the cross, his love did (not accidentally he was resurrected on easter, which is also being celebrated this month, around my b'day on 14-4-14, where i turn 44...all squares/4's/crosses/foundations...sealing/anchoring/stamping in the balance of heaven and earth we brought about and established over these many years)...and so now we are being stamped to the cross....(also meaning the twin flame balance/harmony now being brought 'down' into the physical, onto and into the earth, as the 11:11 is also a 4...and as Michael and i have been merging ever deeper in spirit over these past 2 months, and our physical merging, the merging of his and mine, of our material realities, comes ever closer.. we, in the process also bring about this (physical) merger of heaven and earth/spirit and matter for the earth and cosmos, as nothing is ever separated, and all is one...the deeper we merged in spirit/soul/energy, the more we closed the gap between spirit/female/heaven and matter/male/earth, the more of the 'lower' rungs of the ladder could anchor into their new material realities, and the closer he and i come to our physical reunion...thus we're closing the gap between spirit and matter more and more, and sealing in the new (material) reality....when he comes (in)to me in the flesh, we in the process close the seal we opened so many years ago (which literally made me bleed)...and seal in the new reality, for everyone, for good)
"AS WITHIN, SO WITHOUT...AS ABOVE, SO BELOW")
....

so in case you are wondering what we are now waiting for, that's it...we're waiting for all the lower rungs to settle into their new material reality....for the zipper to close, the ladder to become solid working downside-upward (from the 'ground' up)...we can go to our new life once they're all settled in, and things 'below us' have solidified....as in: foundations....and then...we turn on the lid, sealing it in....we close the gate....the new material reality and energy are now being stamped/sealed in for good...and it will indeed bring about a bang/ thrust as the stamping in happens, and the hammer falls (which is of course already happening..it is not ever the stars/ planets bringing anything about, it is us, always us, the planets only serve to support what we are doing, they are us, we are summonning the events...they mirror/reflect us, and vice versa..the same way humans reflect each other, and your reality reflects who you are being/what you are being about...until you change it)... so there is a fall out, pushing out many things of old which can no longer be upheld by its outward spreading vibration...like throwing a stone in the water, and the circular vibe of it ripples outward.....We are Noah, the arc, as well as the flood, all in one.

(Noah means: rest, comfort, peaceful...Our arc of inner -and outer- male/female balance/harmony will steadily stay afloat/upright, when all else falls...we built t
hat arc, we are that arc -which holds the male-female balanced blueprint-, and in our flood of love all that is not (in) the arc -meaning all that is NOT love/harmony- will be washed/whiped clean...we are the builders, pillars, and cleansing flood of innocent and pure, true love).

this kinda like the perfect month to reunite in the flesh, and bring the new energy/love physically onto/into the earth, and get it stamped in...to bring his earth onto/into my heaven, and my heaven onto/into his earth....and seal it in. Michael and I serve as the final seal (as do some of you as well).

and for me, when i say new, i mean NEW....i have been 'single' since i was 27...lived alone dealing with these outrageous things for ages....and barely got to 'know' Michael when he left already...all i know is in my heart...so i will be jumping into the complete new and unknown, yet again....i haven't a clue of how to live with a man, i have no concept of how that will be or work, or anything basically, us being so different and all, now me also being all 'enligtended' and stuff....i haven't a clue, idea or concept of any of it...it is all free and open.....and i have never been to that place in Canada either...so...here i go....again...taking a huge blind plunge...but i/we/it will be okay, this i know.....geronimooooooooo ;)

i just sat on the earth, it's warm and sunny again (sitting on the earth deeply relaxes me)...and i heard all this buzzing...so i was thinking maybe some bees had built a nest or something...then i realised it was coming from the cherry tree, which now stands in full glorious bloom ( i took a picture)...there are so many bees getting drunk on the sweet blossoms' nectar, that the sound of it is incredible....busy busy busy....buzzy buzzy buzzy :)....(now you know why bees never fly in a straight line, and bump into stuff, they tipsy, hahaha!)
i am tired and out of it a bit, removed....but sitting on the earth felt almost like i was being sucked into the earth...and my spine got all
tickly... and without noticing, i slowly started rocking my body from side to side (i often do that while watching TV, rock back and forth, i just have to move sometimes in order to accomodate all the energy, it feels right...and i do it without noticing really....), like swaying to the rhythm of an unheard melody, a soft earth song...the subtle pulse of life....
me tired and woozy :)

CAN YOU FEEL IT...?

posted Mar 8, 2014, 10:48 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Mar 8, 2014, 11:09 AM ]

every day, every second of every minute we are merging ever deeper, thus also getting ever closer to our reunion in the flesh....

as the equinox draws nigh, the gap between spirit and matter, light and dark, male and female is being closed ever more profoundly, the zipper is closing....the sickness/separation is over, time for life, harmony, balance, wholeness and true love...

...for home (in my case being Canada and Michael)...for the pure place we originate from...the place of love, joy, purity, peace, play, creativity and innocent, carefree, abundant childhood...like the spring where fresh, cool, clear water bubbles and sprouts... the place of lush green meadows, tumbling bees, colourful flowers, deep blue skies, and dreams coming alive...

i woke up with this song in my head by Farell or Tyrell Williams or something or other (no real brain functions possible at the moment), it's popular right now, called 'happiness',  happy tune...
"clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
clap along if you feel like happiness is your truth..."

so i got up, and went to sit in the sun, ass on the earth, with a cup of 'latte macchiato'...i sat there, still for over 3 hours, just letting the sun warm me and letting it all in, sucking it all up.....'fill me up god', i thought, 'fill me up with all that beautiful, lush new life'...i went all fuzzy and deeply relaxed...still am...

can't be long now...last night the voice said 'won't be long now'....and so it feels as well....i feel him so very close, merging/coming ever deeper into me....life has started flowing, our blood is circulating again, and foaming with joyful life as it rushes through its new river-bed.......

i am being gifted from all sides, miracles abound....

yes, a bigger world awaits indeed.....and you are ready....we all are....

as Michael and i merge/reunite, we all merge...as everything is connected...

love
Ilse

New Years Message 2014!

posted Jan 5, 2014, 1:28 PM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Apr 6, 2014, 7:53 AM ]

Hi Everybody! :)

A new year has begun, and much has fallen and been realized….so…I decided to share

As I am sure you are all aware of by now, my book and whole story have been published, another process of birth.

Today my parents left for Holland again, after having spent the holidays (2 weeks) here in Austria. My sister and her family left 2 days ago already.

It was a most interesting time for me.

As expected, my family was simply still who they always were, nothing much changed on their side of the veil…..except maybe that my sister has gone even further off the deep end with her yoga-practices and Ayurvedic food(- and other) -mania :D.

(Her family is very much outside of its comfort zone at times, with my sis enthusiastically dragging in each hopeless case for ‘therapy’, and also some Indian friends she made. Her husband carries the patient, observing, sometimes strictly correcting energy of the mother, closely watching her child as it makes its wild playful caprioles….Yet her husband also carries the rigid old male conservative unmoving energy she challenges to come out of its old pattern bit by bit…it is very interesting this process they chose to create together).

Having gone through such deep changes, transmutations and realisations during this past year of 2013, the time spent with my family took place on a whole other level of experience.

There they were, happy to see me (at first anyway :D)…and still releasing an endless flood of ‘good advice’ in my direction. …

My big sis wanted me to stick out my tongue, to project her ayurvedic  ideas of ‘diagnoses’ on me, and tell me everything ‘wrong’ with me, from her perspective.  (When, to be quite honest, her diet has pretty much turned her into a bone-warehouse, covered by a pale greyish wrinkled skin…So if the outside reflects the inside…well…no need to say much, quite a barren landscape in there it must be). She, like a puppy dog that’s discovered its tail for the very first time, and like an avalanche raging downhill, keeps on waltzing over everybody, ‘offering’, or rather forcing her (unsolicited) so called ‘spiritual wisdom’ and ‘healing techniques’ upon everyone in sight (duck!).

Beware of the Yoga/spiritual-Gestapo! :D It wants to stuff you full with illusions of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ food, exercises to take, life-styles to adapt to, daily routines to uphold, mantras to sing (or to be let ‘blown’ into your ear/head), herbs to use, yucky mixtures to drink, etc. They say eggs are bad for ya, so is meat, must eat that for your digestion, no eating of raw this, no mixing that with that, endless rows of BS, and more old energy dogma and delusion. (The truly advanced and enlightened souls will not be found on a mountain top, living in an Ashram, wearing an orange dress, and living in a rigid structure/institute with suitable practices...The truly advanced will be living right next door from you (with all due respect to the people who find solace in such places and practices. They are, after all, all God' creations and children...No judgement here).

I thought it rather funny and cute :D

All I heard for 2 whole weeks was basically a truckload of do’s and don’ts, endless remarks and criticism of my being, my appearance, lifestyle etc ….Not even for one moment was there any true contact from them to me, no one ever truly saw or heard me, and no one asked me how my year had been, where I asked them the egg out of their asses, as I am simply really, truly, honestly interested in people and their experiences, and open to hearing it all without judgement. My sisters’ visits to India were very good stories full of new experiences, discoveries and new friendships for her, and I just love a good story. Yet, as they kept projecting their own limitations on me, could not see from behind it and themselves, they were simply unable to truly connect, with each other as well as me. Not a clue they have about who I truly am now,  all the things I learned and experienced, buried as they are beneath endless old stories, fears, traditions, practices and opinions.

So, all I did was simply smile, joke around, and change the direction of those heavy-energy conversations (and no, I did not stick out my tongue for my sisters’ convenience, that BS she may kindly keep to herself, thank you :D).

Useful to mention here is that my family also kept complaining about me talking too much, so I will explain this for those of you who also notice the same response in themselves: The urge to talk a lot and quickly. You must understand that the energy in the old world, with all its blockages, limitations, pains and frustrations is a very sluggish slow moving, basically unpleasant, stagnant boxed-in energy, to those of a high vibration anyways. So the natural response of a higher vibrating system is to immediately start moving fast, to uphold its’ own high energy. So the fast moving/motion of words and a lot of humour, is basically intended as a neutralisation, or balancing out of sorts. It keeps the energy vibration highest possible. So don’t hit yourself over the head if you too experience the urge to talk a lot and fast when in the company of old energies, it is simply a very useful automated response in service of your protection, as it creates a field of fast moving energy. Needless to say I was quite exhausted each time I had visited the relatives, and slept like a baby :)

A higher vibrating/advanced being can only visit such lower vibrating worlds for so long, so when after a while you feel the urge to withdraw from such surroundings, or/and notice you are getting angry, simply do so, as it is for your own good. Your anger comes from your soul, and merely tells you (sometimes also accompanied of an adrenalin rush of rage through your body), that this is an old energy trying to suck you in, and that this is no longer who you are, you have already integrated this and are done with it. The old energy challenges you to mirror its own behaviour, yet you are already done with it. Your system, by means of anger, is simply a red flag signalling you what is going on. Anger is fire, and fire cleanses/purifies. 

I used to think I should be able to spend much time with my family, as they are my family, and that is what one is supposed to do with family. Through the years I learned to withdraw whenever I needed it, no matter what the comments/opinions were. In the beginning I tried to explain it to them, but be it that in the old world everything is taken as a personal insult or rejection, it never really worked. Although in time they kind of learned to simply accept it as something belonging to me, and nothing to do with them or the love I hold for them.

This year everything was different for me, and oh so easy and simple. I have come so incredibly far now, I can just simply sit with them, be in their presence, let them bombard me with old energy critique, uninvited advice etc, it never broke my inner peace and neutral balance. All I felt was love, forgiveness and acceptance of who they are, and who they are obviously simply supposed to be, by their choice.

After the first week, Christmas had passed, my system was slowly letting me know we had about reached the end of the time we could spend in the old world. So I simply wrote the family an e-mail, without further explanation, saying I would come to see them once again before they left, and with my parents spend their last day here together (which was just yesterday).

It had been very good and joyful seeing them all again, and I had made them all some small gifts: necklaces with a little angel for my sisters’ little girls, wrapped in a little heart-shaped gift box I decorated myself. For my yoga sister a box I decorated in Indian style magic, for keeping her incenses and oils in. And both my sis and my parents got a copy of my book (which they have actually even started reading!). My 2 sisters back in Holland, whom I haven’t seen in years, and their grown up daughters, get to freely pick a drawing (or more) of mine, and so do my parents and yoga sister. It simply felt like the right thing to do, leave some very personal gifts behind, in total honour and respect of who they are…and as a gift of gratitude and appreciation.

Because…as I had already felt after finishing my book, and before the family arrived here end of December, something has ended, and change is on the near horizon. The fact that my parents are in the process of selling their house, which I grew up in, and they lived in for half a century, is a clear sign of times changing, and a different/new life-stage making its entrance.

Also the message I got from an old friend I had not seen or heard from in years, informing me of her current underway pregnancy (yay! She had been so longing for a life-partner and family for so many years!), alongside more stories people shared with me of their life-changing circumstances, were clear indicators times are indeed changing for many.

The last bit of breakthrough for me happened when visiting my family one evening, and being bombarded with the usual stuff, without anyone being truly aware of each other, or me…they never notice much of each other, all they did was play their own ‘music’, stubbornly projecting/forcing their own opinions and views upon each other, no one truly connecting, hearing or seeing,…A lot of the time each also withdrawing/hiding behind its own I-pad, I-phone or laptop screen, loads of tension and distance/separation/removal hanging in the room…And all of a sudden I simply burst into tears, just like that, feeling totally at peace and fine one moment, the next simply totally breaking down…I kept it to myself best as I could, as I had not made any sense of it yet anyway, and whatever the reason, it could not be explained to anyone, as they were unable to hear and see me from behind their opinionated rubble…

So I came home, exhausted, and cried me a River…Deeply cleansing, releasing, relieving tears...

And I saw how my time visiting the old world/family was simply coming to an end, and I realised how I was no longer mad, sad or disappointed when engaging in these types of old bonds, there was simply no more pain in me that could be triggered, as I healed it all….and all I felt was a very deep sense of love and forgiveness….And yes, there was grief….not the old heavy painful grief, but simply a very natural light yet deep grieving for the limitations and harshness they choose to live in, the according treatment of themselves and each other, and the total non-communication despite of many words spoken…..My soul wept for them, how I would wish them something much more loving…The energies they choose to reside in are so controlling, unfree and thus loveless…..blind and deaf….drunken with ego re-activity…

But…there was also a feeling of very deep gratitude spreading its relaxing warmth through me…not only did I realise how incredibly far I’d come….but also something else….a far deeper truth and awareness…

My family chooses to reside in those old harsh energies not only for their own freely chosen earth-experience….but also for me…..to serve me…

Because as I kept looking at that old image, that old family situation, into that old unchanged mirror, it became more and more clear to me that none of it had anything to do with me anymore… Their ‘unloving’ behaviour, deafness and criticism, no longer triggered any pain or pain-response in me, as I have none left….Nor did it trigger any urge to re-act or respond  to it….all of this has been neutralised in me…it has been cleansed, the separation healed, the gap closed….Now there is nothing anyone can say or do to break my peace and love…..as I am whole within myself, and thus also with them….My love and peace are a constant….I just kept on loving them, no pain, no unpleasantness….They are now all fragments of myself I integrated and reconciled with each other.

You must understand that the God that resides in me, and also in them (and you), from behind the veil, very lovingly offered me this old image/mirror….Because looking into it, helped me realise all these things….and more…My family stayed in the old energy, so I could be served by this image….(Of course, they are unaware of this fact).

(Recently on TV, I saw the image of a 6 year old child in Afghanistan…laying all worn out and sick on a dirty piece of tapestry outside, and the mother in the background was saying how due to the ongoing war/terror-ism, it was too dangerous, and everyone was poor, and therefore there was no help for sick people, especially children suffered because of it…And as I watched that image, I saw how this child (and many others with her) served/serves as a mirror to her people…Because she is showing them who they are currently being, what they create(d)…And as she offers them this mirror-image to look into, she is also asking them a very big question: “This is who you currently are, is this who you want to be? Is this truly the life you choose for your people and yourself? If not, then change it! Create differently! Look at it, see it, see yourself, acknowledge who you are, look into yourself!”)

I saw how I now had nothing left to solve or clear in/through these relationships, I saw how I was all healed….and that I was now so ready to go out into the world, a new life, and BE LOVE…The mirror/image they offered me, let me know that that was no longer who I am….nor what I now need or choose….It simply showed who they (still) were….I had nothing left to take or learn from it. In the old days their behaviour and comments would trigger pain in me, like a spotlight highlighting old wounds, showing me where I still had work to do. Now, there were no more old wounds to be healed. All gone. I now choose/live/am differently, a different new life/way of being…I choose LOVE.

These last years, or even a lifetime, I battled to get to love…Every day for the last 6,5 years, since Michael left me, I fought hard to break through all the illusions, and choose love and trust and healing over and over again, an ongoing, relentless, exhausting battle, for this earth, as well as myself…for love.

After my big cry I realised I had no obligation to go see them again, I had nothing left to prove to no one, no facade to uphold, nor was there any need left for me to look into that old mirror/image, it served no purpose anymore…It had nothing to do with rejection or spite….Just like having done all these years of ascension-processing: choosing love and trust over all else ( like fear etc), I could now simply choose to leave it all behind, and go out into the world and choose/create/draw in the mirror/image that fits who I am….I can mould reality as I choose, and in the process naturally bring my love to the world…I no longer need to visit old patterns and situations (over and over again) for learning and healing. If maybe I visit my old family in times to come, if God so desires it, then it will come from a place of pure love and actual desire to see them, and not from any old set patterns…I will no longer be where they expect me to be, in their old skiing village in Austria, I will have moved elsewhere, into a whole new space, and entering my space once a year will not be anything automatic anymore ….And it may so happen that I never see them again, now that the work is done, and those bonds have basically become obsolete… If indeed I visit them (or let them visit me), it will be of my own free will and choice…and if not, it will be okay as well, my love accompanies them always, wherever we may roam….And they all simply need to be right where/who they are…it is their free choice, their experience/interaction, and so perfect for them…It is the play they came to perform here….So no judgment here.

(My sister left a folded note in my door before she left, as a response to the e-mail I wrote her, in which I very neutrally and lovingly informed them of how I had experienced these past few weeks, basically the same things I am sharing with your right now (Spirit urged me to do so, in closure, as in a written message one can neither be interrupted, nor attacked/disrespected, and the written word has a much longer and bigger impact. Had Spirit not asked/urged me to, I would have simply kept my silence),  and I didn’t need to even read it to know that it was more old energy spiritual BS (however well intended it may have been). So I chose not to read it and just simply burn it. The fact that my sis felt the need to re-act, already told me Spirits’ message to them had done its intended job, it triggered something. I had hugged them and said my goodbyes a day earlier already, so no need to allow in anything I did not need/desire, nor chose for myself, having learnt so well these past years how to keep my space clean, create my own reality, and not give away my creative power to energies that seek to enter my space, control my energy/space and force their reality on me)…And it felt cleansing and right…like burning a hole past life….freeing…..I am not taking any old garbage with me…She had also asked me if she could come and spend about a week at my place during the coming summer, bringing a friend from India to visit places in Austria. She basically did not really want to come visit me parse, but merely wanted a place to stay as they ventured out during the day….Knowing my sisters’ controlling intrusive wild puppy dog nature, I felt no desire whatsoever to sacrifice my peaceful space like that, so without any explanation I told her she’d better make other arrangements….I also told her she would be most welcome for a short visit/a drink, I would even go gather up some Camel piss, squeeze some donkey zits, or milk ant, if that’s what they liked and needed for their diet. (Some nights before I also had a very significant urgent dream, telling me of new beginnings, and probably not even being here by then anymore anyway…))

Anyway….Right after all these intensely loving realisations, my system was immediately catapulted into new heights….

After visiting the old family/energies/world, it is all too normal when your body immediately torches off every bit of sticky energy from your energy-field. When back in my own space at home, I would get flu-like symptoms right away, fever-like stuff, sweating, glowing, coughing and sneezing, shortness of breath etc….Your body will use any tool necessary to keep your system clean, like neutralising a virus. Your belly can blow up (mine sure got all bloated, like never before. Couldn’t even eat one bite, no room!), acting like a buffer-zone, and many other such occurrences can take place. I even woke up once, after just a few hours of sleep, crying, bathing in sweat, and also very angry.

This time there were all these well-known symptoms of cleansing/dropping density/dirty virus-energies/old reality-debris, but after realising all these ‘new’ things, I also I got very cold, the wind swirl that’s been accompanying me all these years, became freezing cold, and I got very dizzy again….like standing on a boat in the waves, trying to move forward….I was going ‘up’ again. Wheee, here I gooo! :D The dizziness still remains for now, and so do the other symptoms. My breathing is wiiiide open, some mucus also being released :D Also this morning I woke up with a huge throat ache (mostly left side of course :D), which subsided during the day. Some head ache as well…Another old reality is being left behind/released/dropped/washed away from my system/DNA.

…And of course, I should have known, I got my period…It is always amazing to see how the timing for these events is so perfect, my hormonal household/balance/release is always very much utilised and integrated into the process. So, more density gets neutralised/dropped off, and my system is moving up even higher again….After last summer I truly thought there was no higher place of love anymore, as I was up so ‘high’ already, I thought I’d turn into a true alien, or see-through shiny illuminated Jesus-fluffy-thingy when moving even further beyond…And what was to become of me then?! How, for the love of God, could I still reside on this earth plane when being soooo high up/out there already? By now my energy field must be lit up bright like a Christmas tree, or maybe I truly have become transparent/invisible… Which is obviously why my body wants to eat a lot of heavy stuff, and put on some weight to hold/anchor me down…Nothing out of the ordinary ;D 

After lovingly having dinner with, and hugging my folks goodbye last night, I immediately afterward, back home alone, felt a deep sense of release/relief and relaxation….My period burst loose big time, thus things/energy/blood/life started flowing again… releasing…. washing away/clear…No more stagnant, old, locked in energies anywhere in sight :D

These last months there have been new people being naturally showing up, including other gifts such as money etc….these are all naturally attracted to me…as where the old family is more an old bond from times gone by, and old tradition (they simply always come over for their x-mas holiday…not really as a naturally flowing/evolving event, but as an old set pattern….And as such they also view me, their daughter/sister, one obsolete role, and nothing else)….No longer do they know who I am…

So…the pieces of the mirror have been glued back together now….the mirror is whole, the inner peace and love are restored, the scattered fragments of my being healed, integrated… and put to rest….

My family also talked about my big sister, who has met a man over the internet, whom she is meeting for the very first time on January 10th of this year, at 10 a.m, she is already quite smitten by him…My family mostly expressed their reservations and concerns about this, and predicted another big broken heart for my big sis, they expect a negative outcome…..Yet all I could think was: good for her! Falling in love is the most beautiful thing on this earth ever! She is young, she shouldn’t wither away behind the windows and walls of her house, looking out….she should go out there and smell the roses, dive into life, let herself be carried by the jet planes in her stomach, enjoy all it has to offer her, without reservations or fears, sing, dance and cheer, frolic and celebrate…and if maybe she falls and bruises a bit, or bleeds from the nose, maybe breaks a bone, then she at least had the chance to experience and learn something about herself, and truly live and experience life!

The whole old limiting mirror image my old family held up for me, made it all to clear that it is now time for me to break out of the cocoon I have been in for so many years (not just the last 6,5), and simply jump into life, go out there and do my thang (whatever that may be)…No longer will I stay in, the transmutation is over, I cannot be held down/small any longer….I will now break out, spread, and break through the shell/ceiling, like Alice in wonderland, or a sound wave breaking all windows in the vicinity, or a steam locomotive that steams clear a path to wherever….Not talking here about pushing against Gods flow, and controlling, but simply going out there and taking/creating what is naturally mine….No longer will I hold back my love, God will steer me to where I need to go, all I need do is follow….and God will follow me.

If the seeming void is the last illusion I need to break, then do so I will, with vigour…I will no longer wait and sit still, but move and go get my love, it is mine for the taking…whenever I summon it, it is ready for me….it is already all there…

I needed to truly come to the point where I had become love, in order to be ready for life, and love….. and to go out there and summon life….There is so much to celebrate, so much to share and enjoy! Nothing and no one can stop me now, and I will not hold back anything, I will jump in without hesitation or reservations….I will not fall….I am so much bigger than life itself even….So much bigger then the old, small, limiting patterns the old family/energy attempted to squeeze me into…That is simply a jacket I no longer fit into…grown all out of and past it :D

Yes…the world still has a long long way to go, you can see it out there, it is messy….But spirits such as mine and yours will be right there amongst them, amidst them, beside them, behind them and in front of them, to help us all see it through, and bring this Earth to peace.

Not because it is noble, right, or because we must ‘save’ humanity and earth or anything like that…No…Simply because it is what we decided to do….all of us together, even if it seems different and insane for some and at times….and we have the free choice to check out of this hotel at any time…It is/becomes whatever we make of it/want it to be…

So go get it! The coast is clear, and the road wide open and free! :D

I am all loving mellow mush right now :D

Love, love, love

Ilse


Uplifting music  1  2  3
Euphoria (play it loud!!!)

______________________________________

At Worlds' End

posted Jul 8, 2013, 8:14 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Aug 8, 2013, 3:06 PM ]

‘Observe’ the miracle as it unfolded:

(Again, these are the e-mails I wrote to my friend these last few days/weeks…me likes easy :D)

Just had to dive into my old paperwork, like before 1999, to fish out the paper they want here for the government benefits, and it was like a trip down memory lane....holy shit.... all the things and situations I dealt with back then, when they kept on sending me to all kinds of doctors and stuff.......placing all kinds of labels on me.....weird..

I don't care about 'governments' anymore....they govern nothing....least of all their own ego...

....no one as any clue what I went through in life....

I detached from it all.....I am not me...I am not even here....

you know...I guess I (we) simply had to lose all concepts and ideas of/about each other in order to be able to come together all new, clean, clear and free...I no longer know who he is, I have no concept of him anymore...(both) our slates had to be wiped totally clean, through the time of separation, and the process I underwent....I can no longer 'feel' or 'see' him, I feel no connection to him, we are different now, and not yet connected in the new 'time and capacity'... he is gone to me...the one I knew, or thought I knew...

Maybe this is the last and final (big) disconnect, before the true reconnection, in the physical...

I am quite restless again....but at least start tomorrow the weather will be warm and sunny again, so i can be on my balcony, with a bit of sewing perhaps, or a book...that way I won't be in the house, locked in all the time...and a bit of sun is always nice.....

Several people wrote me they're going on holiday....to the south of
France, Mexico etc.... man.... I would love a real holiday....and not take any of this old story with me...not even an inch....

Going to sit out on my balcony now....we are having a lovely sunny warm day, so nice after all the grey and rain....I am sooooo tired....did some laundry, which is drying out on the balcony in the wind....no shit smells (yet)...

Gonna read my book (a fantasy story about people being stuck in a virtual reality game…now whatever made me choose that one? :D)...too tired for sewing...maybe tomorrow....the weather will stay warm and sunny so they say...up to 30 degrees (from 10 straight to 30....  pffff)

I too just got angry...this woman that gave me the wrong paper months ago, now sent me an e-mail she still wants 15 Euros for that right paper she sent me later...

so first I told her sorry, and will do so ASAP..then I got angry...as it was not my mistake she did nor hear me back then, did not read my application right, and did not give me what I needed because of her assumption she knows everything, so I paid 15 euros for something I did not need nor ask for...And so...I wrote her again...and in very nice words, told her exactly that... And you know what...that dentist that fucked up my mouth for months...in old world terms I would have every ground to drag her ass to court for malpractice....

They're all after the money....

You know...I might just jump into that....suing the dentist.....it's not like I have anything better to do...no life to tend to….gives me something to do....it doesn't even come from spite or anger...just sheer boredom...maybe that woman simply needs to be removed from that kinda work....dunno...does one drag people to court in te new energy?.

I like that: "Its not my anger but the anger of God"

I too feel an anger that is....outrageous...the anger Jesus felt when in the temple..

Sometimes I wonder if we are allowed to get angry at all anymore...are we supposed to be all sweet and fluffy?...cause I may  feel that at times, but I definitely experience lots of other stuff as well...

surely our anger serves a purpose...it is there for a reason...

maybe it will fuel and propel us into something new....

so maybe I should just sue the woman anyways....something to do...what
do you think?

I love your swearing! :D

hahaha, my mom kicks butt...haha,,,i like that one...

I just got a reply from that woman...she named all kinds of laws and fines, that were supposed to threaten me, she so obviously felt attacked and felt she needed to defend herself.....she made it sound as if I had gotten away/off very lucky, that she had done me a great favour actually, from the goodness of her heart....and that was supposed to shield her from simply saying : 'I am sorry I made a mistake'....

one cannot get through to people in this world...

so...I replied 'I love you'....:D

...and it brought tears to my eyes as I wrote that....

I just don't wanna be with/connect to people in that way anymore...I do not want conflict and attacks etc...it is not who I am, it is who they are....they thrive on it...I just want openness, and honesty...and love....always did...and as a child it shocked me that it was nowhere to be found on this planet....

well....I realised right in time that there was a very subtle energy vortex worming it's way into my energy field....very sneaky...and so that's why i got angry, and told that woman what I thought about all of it....and so she reacted, lashed out, as one is used to in the old world..... discussions/conflicts serve no purpose whatsoever...I should have kept clear of it....my anger was bigger than me...it was the anger of God…

after I told her I loved her, I have heard nothing back, and she gave me another 2 months time to pay the 15 Euros...

I went to bed after that episode yesterday, I was depressed and wanted nothing to do with anything anymore....I felt very tired, watched a  movie, we had a thunderstorm, and then went to bed.....and I woke up at about 11 pm....and i immediately jumped into the shower...and I got really mad...not at people, but at the discording energies that were trying to penetrate my space, and seduce/tempt me, which were and are not mine, and have nothing to do with me...surely somewhere some huge shift is taking place...darkness is up and around, flying free....and wild...some very old very subtle sneaky darkness....subtle fears came hand in hand with it....

Anyways...while under the shower, like something automatic, I tapped into my strength/ source/ core as I washed it all down the drain, , and I saw myself in a sphere of diamond light....and from deep within I started saying stuff in my head, like:" go away, you are not mine, and cannot penetrate my sphere of diamond light, you crumble before it, go back to the hell you whence came from, you cannot be here, I send you away for good...I am love, I am peace..."...etc etc, like a mantra almost...I pushed it away....

then I watched a movie on tv, made myself something to eat, and went to bed again.....and as I woke up this morning I felt like being hit by a train, groggy and weak...and with a bit of a dark cloud above me....but I started repeating those 'mantras'...and now I feel better
again...

I think some huge dark energies must be on the move, set free, out and about...and since I have nothing more to release I felt all this anger...I was almost caught in their web and dragged with....but in time I freed myself....nothing and no one decides how I feel but me...

I will never ever allow to feel like that ever again.....I will stop it before it can drag me down... I have come too far and went through too much in life to give my energy to what is not mine...

I am god, I decide, nothing or no one else.....no energy of any kind can make me break the love, trust, strength and peace I hold within....they can all go fuck themselves basically, as no one fucks with me...

they are the illusion, my love is what's real....love is the only reality...

it is all relaxing again now...and I have slime being released from within my body /throat/ nose...how befitting...slimy energies be gone! :D

I need not attempt to make anyone see things my way...I just need to love them (=me)....that is enough....I felt such love and sadness for that poor trapped woman yesterday...and such deep compassion....

I just went for a walk, and picked some cherries from our good old cherry tree, last time I picked cherries from that tree I think...last season here....and stood with my back against her stem.....moving helps....and grounding....old trees have such beautiful peace and strength...

'We are here to balance these energies'....
....strangely enough I no longer resonate with any of that...I no longer resonate with the whole idea of ascension, with the whole plan/scheme either...

everything basically sounds like humbug to me at the moment...even though I did experience and participated in it....I can't find any meaning/reality to any of it....and will not continue on with it....the choice is mine after all....I need true peace and love...a place to be me....innocent original beautiful pure loving me....the way I remember from early childhood....as I came...

I am not this body, I am not this plan, I am not humanity, I am not this earth, I am not an ascension-machine, I am not the material world that surrounds me, I am not the things I thought I knew....I am not any of these things....this is not me....and I do not identify myself with/by any of it....

we all assume we know...but we don't ...

the only moment where i was ever myself, was with my love....it was still....not he was the innocence, but we were, together.....it felt sacred....in him I saw myself reflected....

I gave everything for love....I have nothing left to give....I did it all....

all day almost I have been forgiving myself for coming here and putting myself through all the agony....a lifetime of it.....for no reason....I should never have done this to myself....

I needed to experience the split....the darkness....but I do not believe in it....and I will no longer battle what I do not believe in....which doesn't even exist...what I sensed was an illusion....darkness is an illusion....

darkness is a choice.....an energy we created….and the ones who created/live by it were/are free to do so... and it is not anything that ever needed any 'solving'.....nor 'saving'...

going back to pushing it away yesterday felt like going back in time, afterwards it felt like I did this ginormously primitive ancient thing that was no longer me...it was like saying goodbye to history.....it was strange, a visit to te past.....I parted with that bit for good....

my love and I were tender and beautiful....and it was pure and innocent....it was heaven... paradise.....and I forgave myself and him for breaking it up, because of our ignorance... we did not know or understand....but at least I got to have it, if even it lasted only very briefly, I am grateful for that....it proves I was always right, and what I always longed for existed, or could exist, for real....paradise...

he came back full force today...the memory of us...and it hurt....because it was so painfully beautiful...so soft, sweet and tender.... and I will not put myself through any of that longing any longer....I will no longer run after the bait......I am letting him go...I am letting it all go....

maybe in this manner he returned, and is now connected to me again...I do not know....maybe he came back just to tempt me to stick around and hang on longer....but I need to be connected in the physical... because I am flying away....back home...I feel it....I just want to sleep....

and I forgave everyone (and myself) that ever treated me badly...because they did/do not know what they do....

and none of us knew any better than to come here and do this thing....we are forgiven our ignorance...

I have been calm and at peace, yet also all over the place today...I experience(d) it all at once, just not any of the dark, that no longer lives.....just a whole lot of emotion...and waves of tiredness....exhaustion....to the point of knocking me out almost at times, like being high.... sleepy...

love never needed any of this....

love just wants to be expressed and lived....it needs no big 'divine' schemes and plans....

just me rambling.....I will stop talking for while i think....too much talking...

I never knew you guys had been waiting outside my house for so long....was that really 2 years ago?

...even last week seems like an eternity ago

I made a picture of that cherry tree in full bloom this year....a memory......

yeah...it makes me sad too....

just now I was white hot angry...aggressive even...

those blasting idiots from the government benefits, after months and months of asking me for ever more paperwork, just sent me a rejection....yet they sent me a rejection for a 'berufsunfähigkeitspension'...and that is not what I asked them for...I asked for an 'ausgleichszulage' which I have a legal right to, according to EU law....somewhere along the line they got mixed up...and I got soooooooooooooooooo mad....I was literally shaking!

I wrote on the letter they sent me, and I said 'sie wissen vorne nicht mal was ihr hintern macht, idioten! sie können mich mal’,...and so on and so forth...I let it all out...told them I don't want their fucking money, and to send me all my paperwork back right now...and I threw it into the mailbox across the street right away...

it is not about the money...it is simply about the stupidity of it all that I got so angry...about being given the run-around, like with this whole earth-process thing....about not being seen and heard, for real...I could have spit fire and vomited with anger...omg...I can't remember ever having been that angry...except when I was a kid and the family ganging up on me, and me grabbing a chair to hold them off me, like a lion-tamer....I remember this case where some 'doctor' locked me up against my will...I was strapped unto a gurney, and taken away....I cursed and screamed, I foamed from the mouth I think....omg....I could have screamed just now!...

....now I am just very sad and teary....but also adrenaline still pumping....dizzy it makes me...headache...heart palpitations....tired....

I know it was the divine that had the hand in this, as with all....does not make me less angry though....I don't care about the money....I am just so fed up with this non-life....I am this boggled child again, unheard and unseen....

today I sat on the balcony and wrote Michael a looooong letter....saying it all.....we lived a whole life in those 2 nights we spent together...who needs more?....as I always tell my mom: it is not the quantity of being together that counts, but the quality... and that we had....

I will not take this bait no more....everyone and everything can go fuck themselves....I am breaking away...out! Anyway I must...if it's back home, off-planet, than so it is!

this afternoon, as I was on my balcony, a new Honda drove up, and wanted to turn back....and ran into a parked Mercedes, loud bang!...the young man that got out was very clearly drunk..... and so the owner of the Mercedes came out, the ''chef' from Föhrenhof, and saw the state the man was in....and so he drove the honda away, parked it, and sat the young guy down... and called his parents...the young guy's energy was so sad and down.... so.... disillusioned... many over here do what he did, they work, are unhappy with their lives, and on Friday dive into a bar straight away to drink their sorrows away...this guy still had his working clothes on.... the guy from Föhrenhof could have called the police, but didn't...he took mercy on this poor guy.... that looked so lost, sad and beat.....out of it…he knew his folks were gonna be angry and scream at him....and he was already in such unloving energy towards himself... it made me sad...that guy's whole energy made me sad, I cried...all his folks had to do was give him a hug, show him some love...but nothing...and he silently, without even looking at them , got in the back of their car...and the drove off...I don't even want to know what happens once he's slept his alcohol off....I know so well how this guy felt, because I recognised it from myself.....way back when...man...have I been through a lot in life...

and I am done....so done....

you know...the only way i can balance and ground anything here now ...is by actually living ...in the physical....on the earth... with Michael...and a whole lot of grounding new material stuff....

without the (new) physical life, I can no longer do anything....

I am not physical...I am a mere mirage now, an idea, an energy...unseen and unheard...and not able to stay or anchor here... not anymore....not in any way like before...one needs matter, the physical, the body in order to be ...on the earth....in spite of a heavy body, I cannot anchor here.....not anymore...because I detached from my body...I do not identify with it....it will no longer keep me here....love could keep me here...but therefore Michael must be physically present in my life....not anything else can keep me here....no other way....

up to god....and Michael...either new life and stay...or not and go....either way will be a relief...

well....after my rage....I all of a sudden saw, very clearly....

you know.....the bait of the twin...it is another illusion....the whole process is an illusion....by us sleeping together, he impregnated himself in my body-memory...and my body has been reminding me ever since...and been pushing me ever further because of it.....because the human wants the bait....I fell into the physical illusion...for a reason, yes...but still, just a program....

the bait and programming, as we know, is an illusion...we are the ones programming our bodies and material realities....we decide what is true for us....and what may have been true at one time, can change and no longer be true the next....we decide....

and so...however beautiful our being together was....I can snap out of it...it is a choice....as it is all an illusion we told ourselves.... it served a purpose, yes....but never the less, an illusion....I am now at the place beyond illusions...it is all just a customized ball really....

we all 'fooled' ourselves so we would do this thing...yet also this thing is just a story...nothing more...another illusion...we told ourselves this process was needed/necessary and stuff, for humanity and earth....but in fact, it is simply another illusion/story we created… a program....

it is a very old story...the story that's been roaming this earth for thousands of years, that says the 'good' will prevail over the 'bad'...but there is no good or bad....love is undefined, it knows no good or bad....so love would have never measured any situation and decided to 'interfere'... as love has no such judgment...love also as no agenda whatsoever, it does not plan for future goals or achievements....love does not require any of it....love was never gone...separation was an illusion...and so I (we) need no longer suffer and sacrifice to get to love...that was always this planet's illusion...an old story.....

I now see that I needed first to break through the old illusion of separation...then I needed to break through the story of 'making things right' (=ascension)...although the process did bring about what was originally intended...there is a place behind it, that has no agenda at all, never did......where all illusions/defintions are broken and energy is free of all such definition...

so...if I am to remain here it will be in the capacity of bringing this original innocence into form...the place beyond all illusions, the pure love of god, which has no definition or plans at all, no goals...that is what I need to 'do', if I am to stay here now....if I, for some reason, cannot bring this into expression now.....I can no longer stay either....as 'waiting'  for things to become 'perfect' in 'timing' and such is in fact a travesty....there is no such thing as perfect.... love does not know/distinguish nor require perfection (perfection is an illusion, a judgment/ definition)... nor sacrifice...it is none of these things we told ourselves, and were fed (ourselves) to believe...

there comes in the ‘twin’...as he served to bring me beyond all illusions as bait...and now I know that the time is here to bring our original innocence into form...as I am god, I decide the timing...I feel it inside....I decide...it depends on no one but me...

exactly those things I wrote to him in the letter.....he has been the passive feminine part in this matter...and I have been the masculine active part....together we are neither nor....we are neutral....

yes.....my anger was a very good tool.....I made some very clear statements....I can no longer remain in this lie....it may still be true for others, but not for me...I have a divine right to write my own story here.....that is all earth was ever about....

the 'twin' has to make me, and us, real....so we can ground the original innocence here....and if he cannot, then I cannot remain....neither of both matters...

I guess that is why I always had to tell him everything....by my words he will know where I am at....and when his time comes....

since yesterday (or was it the day before already?) I all of a sudden saw that my Michael is not real....and neither am I (not physically anyway)....I created Michael  (and thus he created me), to be me in messenger/mirror form...to an extent I always knew that, but now I also see and FEEL the illusion of it all...he was never anyone but me, and we were never broken, nothing ever was broken or separated....

his whole physical appearance and personality, and the whole experience of 'us' I designed... just to show/point out to myself where the illusion of/on this earth lies, and how to get passed it...to master it all....

do you know that scene in 'Pirates of the Caribbean - at world's end' with Johnny Depp? where they are in the so called 'after world' and have to get back to the 'real' world?.....they start rocking the pirate ship side to side, by use of their weight, until it tilts, and then flips over, upside down in the water, and then the water goes down until it is underneath the ship again, and the ship floats on top of it again... and they are on the other side again, ...quite surreal...that is kinda like how I feel now...I broke through the mirror....the world/reality has flipped over, upside down, or right side up....whatever way one wishes to look at it....I broke through...the circle rounded.

none of this was ever real....just now I sat on the toilet seat, and felt it hardness press in my bottom, and I felt how 'unreal' it was....the illusion of hardness, of being solid matter....we programmed ourselves, with our minds, to believe it is hard...but in fact there is only a void....an undefined neutral space....

we are so very creative and smart...we can make ourselves fall into any story we choose....we are god...and all form is illusionary and not real...what is real is the orginal innocence/ love/ undefined we carry within...all the rest is fake...'virtual reality'...a mere program...

so...basically...one stays in 'ascension'-illusion just as long until one is able to get oneself beyond it....beyond all the old stories earth is (and we are) not, and never was, but was made out to be....there is no ascension, just another illusionary state/ program we need(ed) to break out of all (ancient earth-) illusions/programs....

ever see these ballerinas online that turn/dance to the right? everyone, or most, think they do actually turn to the right....but one can make them turn to the left just as well… it is all a matter of breaking and steering the illusion...with ones' own mind....of choosing a different perspective...

last night I got some bout of diarrhoea, and my nose started running, also mucus in the back of my throat, and a light cough that only lasted a few moments....and the lights switched themselves on and off, which had not happened since the beginning of this story 6 years ago.....and I could smell these waves of sweet perfume all night.....I guess the lights have switched on in a new way for me now....

I have taken myself off 'the cross'....I am beyond the cross now...I resurrected myself...and nothing is as one thought it was... not even feminine and masculine...as also they do not exist.....nor does north-east south or west, up or down....there is no such thing, never was.... there is no cross....

the time of 'Christ' and Jesus (and buddha etc) are over...his story belongs in the old world/reality/illusion....the old illusion....the time of the Christ has ended....I am beyond the cross....and so will earth be, some 'day'...

since yesterday I have also been feeling so much clarity, and joy....a new state of being...could hardly fall asleep almost, a kind of new excitement, woke me up quite early....I spent quite a few hours on the terrace downstairs with the landlady's family and the neighbours...and basically all I did was laugh and goof and joke around...they were having their usual arguments and quarrels, power-battle, and it was all so ridiculous and futile, it cracked me up, so I softly sang in the background: ein bisschen frieden, ein bisschen freude...." ...and I kept squeeking to my landlady "ich liebe dich Michaelachen..."...and so at some point the landlord squeeked "ich auch" (where he had been pestering her all day long with all the things they/she 'had' to do, not allowing anyone their peace, he is dominant to her, she is to her kids, and the eldest kid is dominant towards her younger sibling)...but then we were all laughing and joking around.....and it was fun....lots of cuddles from the kids...kaffee und kuchen...

I am glad I got so angry and let it all out...it propelled me into another space....I tipped t
he scales, and bust the buble...

and so now...Michael is not something that needs to come about....it is an invitation to him (=me) to reunite and live original innocence on this earth...to bring it back.....all free and clear of illusions and programmings.....undefined and pure love....

and otherwise I can return home to the paradise  from whence I came (the state I have re-established within now), and that will be equally glorious...

but the illusions I will no longer live and uphold....I will not stay in this old illusionary 'physical 'space...as it was true once, but is no longer now...(I broke it, and I am god, I decide)... nor is the 'necessity' to hang on to 'Michael'.....I am now truly free... and so, so is he....our reunion and physical expression of original innocence is no longer something that is 'supposed to' happen, but now is simply something that CAN or could happen....

so I am glad I applied for those government benefits (without judgment), and I went as it did....they (=i) served myself well that way....

do I make any sense ...at all? :D

we just have sex for fun, because it feels soooo goooood...as basically, sex with another is making love to Self :)...and the other is merely showing us the love we feel towards our self.... by it we show our self love....it is the divine expressing the love it holds for itself.... and for creation...all love-making is basically masturbation....

funny you brought up sex...I have been flooded with images of Michael and I having sex all day long :D....not memories, but new scenes :)....the story/illusion of 'Twin' has been broken..... now there is only unity....he is no other than me...and now, we came into each other…we (I) became one...

now I can truly understand why he felt.....so close to me....like me....it was as if I was making love with/to myself with him... I saw myself reflected in him....and in our love-making we were a perfectly 'eingespielter' unity....we just knew what the other needed/wanted....

in and from our original innocence, we create....

the 'waves' movements sex brings about, are vibrations....and creative....not only to make babies...those wave-patterns actually oscillate into worlds....realities....they uphold and bring about realities....like thought-waves/patterns....like radio-waves sending music....sound waves sending information....god masturbates creation....gets off on it, god ejaculates new realities.... semen (and fish) 'swims' ....that is also an oscillation....contractions when giving birth also an oscillation... birds flying....'light' is also a vibration, as is colour...it is all gods' masturbation.... in expression...breathing and heartbeat…

...so are Michael and I...it is ecstatic....and peaceful...

you know...we don't need any physicality....it is not who we are...we are energy...even 'less' than energy....we make/create energy...

but...since we are here in the world/state of physical illusion....since we have the opportunity... might as well have fun with it....goof around a little...it's what we came for...

and btw...who says you have to do anything, like doing his laundry for him and take care of him...are you nuts? :D

yesterday the women were saying stuff like: o yeah, we can go do this now, the men have just had cake, so they won't need food for quite some time now.....my landlady asks him when he wants his coffee, and then serves it to him...omg....puke puke puke....I was like: hUh????!!!!...as if they cannot get or make their own food when they're  hungry... what are they, 2 year olds? Handicapped morons? Fuck that!

But, as those women see themselves, so do their men perceive them, and reflect it back at them. If I were to have a cleaning lady, than that only means I, well aware, reflect back at her who she (thinks she) is or needs to be. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with that, I would simply facilitate her to look in the mirror she herself created… until she is done with it and sees beyond. We all have our roles to play here on this earth. I need not think of ways to end ‘pollution’ or ’economy’ etc, as that is not my place, that role is for others to play, I just happily use whatever solutions they come up with.

We will take care of each other....Michael and I

You know...it is better to break your neck than to have never looked up at the sky :)

that was funny...I just looked out the window...and thought I saw leaves or lights flying outside, and I thought: that's funny, there is not even any wind...and then I realised, the lights were flying in the space around me, and in my eyes, and were being reflected in the glass...something like that....like shooting stars...disco ball.... funny...:D


LUNAPARK

You know...you say 'the ways of God are not my ways.....but in fact....they are...as you are God...

I feel like I am diving ever deeper (or ‘higher’) into this new state....after the ship/reality flipped over....

my landlady and landlord have been bitching on each other again....and it is as if I no longer see them, not the (self-created) illusion of them....but I see beyond...I see how my landlord is making my landladies' life miserable and dominates and controls her life and days, makes her serve him, because that is who she is! He perfectly reflects back to her who she thinks she is, and what she thinks her role is.... it is her own imprisonment he shows her, she makes herself live this life/ experience....they perfectly reflect each other, as he is also a control-freak.....and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game.... that is their game, their illusion, their story...they perfectly reflect each other.....she is her own imprisonment… and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game....

The old ways on earth.... from free choice and creation

life is an illusion...it is a Luna park, you know, a hall of mirrors in which one sees ones' Self reflected, in exaggeration...... some of those mirrors reflect mighty strange deformations....but then, those are the deformations/illusions the one staring in the mirror reflects back at himself....it is all one great big joke...the mirror shows what someone is all about...

Now that I flipped the ship, by my mere weight/mental force of divinity, everything changed....

I see now that the anger/aggression I directed and those people from the government benefits was in fact anger if had towards myself...as it was not really them that did not pay attention and could not hear and see me, it was ME that was not paying attention...

My apartment, which has felt like a prison for so long, as it was all I experienced for years, only reflects the prison I made myself... I kept myself imprisoned here... it was never 'the powers that be', 'the universe' or anything/anyone doing this...it was ME...I was holding myself back...to force myself to TRULY look in the mirror, very very closely, and break (through) the illusion.....

Reality has flipped over....

it is as if the circle has no become rounded/complete/closed, and I have ended where I began, where nothing I experienced in this life was ever real, it was all one great big illusion, that I fooled myself with, only to end back at the beginning, where I see none of it was ever true or real nor necessary...it was all just a dream, an illusion....none of it ever really happened even....

Our surroundings reflect our self....

I have now pushed ‘the-mirrors-that-fool’ aside, like the splitting of the (red) see.....as there was never any sea to begin with....

Nothing needed balancing, as the balance was never lost....love never left....and nothing needed cleansing as there was never any pollution.... no darkness needed battling against, as darkness never was....

one stays in the illusion of ascension as long as one needs to break through it...one goes through the motions of that illusions as long as it takes....that is our own doing, not from some force outside of ourselves....we stay there until we can truly look and see in that mirror....it is how WE serve our self....

i got so annoyed and impatiently aggressive with it all, I gathered all my frustration together in one ball of blasting heat/energy (after all, we are not energy, we MAKE/create energy), as I knew/felt I was overlooking something/missing something....I fired it away, and took my strength/truth back, with a bang.... There was never any male or female.....he is me and I am him....we are neutral...original innocence....

it is as if I broke through the 'sound barrier' with a loud BANG...and there is clarity beyond all.....everything is so totally clear now...as if I am standing on a mountain peak and breathing in all this compressed air, that is full of Clarity, and it is almost making my head spin.....rising above a certain 'level  or boundary, and having my ears pop....the place where the 'air-pressure is totally different...or basically: there is none...I am free!

And by me making these discoveries, others will also see...as I report it....

and when they are ready, the god in them will bring them to me, as I will reflect back at them the truth they are now ready to hear/see...and realise....as they are me, and I am them...

And that is also why I had to always write everything to my love....as in doing that, I was telling it to myself...it brought clarity...

in all of this, we do not serve any humanity or earth...we serve our self....it was never about serving anyone, or freeing up anything...it was always about getting beyond the illusion....

we want our self to know now....God (=I/we) is re-establishing the original innocence on the earth....which was always an illusion to begin with....nothing was ever hidden...we simply chose not to see.....

...and I could simply no longer hold myself back, could no longer contain my own hugeness, my force...I was ready to break free.....

I am very excited....as now...I cracked the code....I am in now...right in the heart of the 'steering mechanism'....I feel a tremendous joy and feeling of freedom inside....I feel I can finally breathe, after a long time of the illusion of death....my heart swells in my chest and I can barely contain it...there will be no holding back of any kind anymore now....that dam has broken, and the great flood is coming, I can feel it. That flood will wash/flush me out of this old setting straight into a new one. I feel things might/will move very swiftly here (and easily/effortlessly) now. The blood and adrenaline is rushing through the veins already.....I am getting my surf board out, as the waves are going to be huge and glorious! Exhilarating...new creation is a-coming! Watch us soar as we ride the waves of love and freedom!

there will be no more 'waiting' now...there really never was...we simply keep our self in the loop, holding our breath, like a fly that keeps on bumping into the glass window, trying to get out…until we SEE.....which is also...nothing but an illusion....

Nothing ever needed ‘healing’, as nothing was ever really broken…

I parted the red sea….

It is time to breathe OUT now…..to bring it outward…into the ‘flesh’...which is....just another illusion/game :D

2 songs keep playing in my head now: ‘let’s get physical’- by Diana Ross…and ’ happy days are here again’ by I dunno who J

My love Michael (=I) served me so well....

And by all this....I give to you (=me)....FREEDOM

Love

Me

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________


P.S: This is what I wrote to my friend afterwards:

we look in the mirrors of deformation just as long until we lose/did away with all the illusions in-between and are able to look in the mirror of pure and innocent undefined love....more innocent and purer than children even....Adam and Eve in Paradise...

And....I hope you do not mind me saying this....but I feel everyone around you is reflecting 'caretaker' back at you....even your son J. went through his accident not just for him, but also so that you can play your role as caretaker (and mom)...we all facilitate the other in being/reflecting back who he/she thinks he/she is....we do it for those around us, and they do it for us...we reflect them, and they (or it) reflect(s) us... you said to me often enough that you do not want to do G.'s laundry and stuff, but would as long as he works.....that means you have not become undefined....you still run programs in your mind...the water has not cleared yet...I think this is why you get so angry at people...it signals you...a red flag...

When/if you just got angry or upset reading this, it means you are not ready to hear/see it yet...which is fine....it is your choice, and your story...your maze/labyrinth to walk through....your own unique hall of mirrors....I may just be the mirror you are not ready to look into yet...the one of pure and innocent love....paradise...like G. was/is as well....it is your own personal choice and story, which is honoured and respected...as love does/is..

There is no brain, there is no life, and none of this exists...there is really only undefined love....we are love (in form/ expression)…

I feel like I just fell in love…I feel itchy all over (like with 'him'…and like when ‘the voice’ inside was calling/urging me to quit my job…The sheer exhilaration and joyful excitement of something new unfolding. Everything feels fresh, new and crisp… totally different… there are no words)...I am on a high....can hardly concentrate...can barely sit still...all I do is dream and smile....I am all love...I cannot contain it…it will go outward now…

and I also feel like when I just finished reading a book....when the last chapter is read, and the story has ended....the mystery was solved...the great relief.... everything cleared... relaxation...joy....and excitement...for a new book can commence...after a short pause...it is finished…

(I experienced some minor ‘flu-symptoms’ after this last and final break-through… the shedding/dropping  of the last illusion)

Once you saw, know, feel and experienced that all you really and truly are is (pure and innocent undefined) love (=the core/essence), none of the mirrors can fool you an longer…as they are noting more than (self-created/inflicted) illusions, that basically invite (or beg) you to move beyond them…And once you established that within yourself, and know everything is fake/illusion, it becomes quite easy to undo them, and create otherwise. No reality = absolute…one simply stops believing them. They are all just stories, nothing more…(Self-created) illusions, to create/ensure/bring about (certain) experience(s)… Anyway, that was the OLD story, the one behind the veil(s)…We write new stories whenever we choose….In this new day free form all ancient programming, from pure innocent love, which has no restrictions or perspectives (judgments)….as it is the beginning of all ‘things’…it comes before everything.

I view all creations/games from that neutral ‘perspective’ of pure innocence now, from the beginning….where the rest of this world still views things from a perspective of (earth-) programming/illusion…this is not judgment, all in due ‘time’.

I left the story....I am out....of the maze…

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Right after all this unfolded, my long year friend and I parted ways, like I knew we would. It came into my awareness a few days beforehand that we would. As always, we travel alongside people and places until we are done with them….I broke new ground, broke, moved and entered into new territory, and she still had ‘agreements’ running right where she was, with herself and the (divine) personalities/aspects surrounding her (serving as each others’ mirror, until done with the particular story, and all was experienced/discovered/integrated from it). Different ‘lands’ speak different ‘languages’, as the ‘way’ of comprehension is different, and so, for now, she and I no longer speak the same language. She (still) resides in the reality of role-play, and, for now, she needs to be/remain the ‘caretaker’ (of course this is not who she is, but what she does, for the moment/time being). That is the ‘right’ place for her to be right now. She, and the personalities/mirrors surrounding her are in agreement, they need each other to write/fulfil their own unique story/path out of the labyrinth. It is their (and everyone’s) prerogative/divine right…To each his/her own steeple chase, and game.

(Quite frankly, there are no reasons whatsoever for what we (God) do or did (create)…Only humans seek/need reasons…But the ‘truth’ is…Love (=God) has no reason for being, at all…nor does she need one…She just simply is…innocent and clear of reason and explanation… She comes before all that…Of course, on some level of reality, this so called illusion of ‘ascension’ does definitely bring about (the universe/creation) what some (many actually) explained it as, because after all, it always is what we decide and perceive it to be….From a clear view of original innocence however, it holds no such explanations/ meanings…God/love simply neither has, nor needs such agendas…Nor is there any reason or ‘goal’ behind the agony people/beings put themselves (each other) through, except that it is their choice (and creation)…)

So, in my mind, I said goodbye to her, hugged her, wished her well on her journey, turned around, and went on my way. With peace and gratitude. This is not sad, it is simply natural. The moment we are done, we move on and part ways with those people, places and items which have now become redundant to our story. (It was even so that, although I usually respectfully refrain from blatantly telling people what I see and feel around them - as it is simply not my place, it would ruin their path of own discovery as they laid it out for themselves, and their own unique maze to un- and  discover. It is for them to figure out. Experiencing/learning by doing is always much more effective than someone else telling you (which would also be just another programming-, this time I deliberately, well aware of what was to take place, simply went ahead and expressed my view anyway. (which is indeed nothing more than another perspective/view….yet one very clear and untroubled, coming from pure original innocence/the beginning…the place of original intent, from where everything sprouts). I knew it would bring about exactly what it needed to: for us to part ways. All natural, coming from pure honest expression. Where I went, she was not supposed to follow…yet…and at some level she knew this.

When one person leaves its old role (like self-image, job etc) to take upon himself a new one, it changes everything, and the surroundings (individuals) are thus all forced to look into a new mirror. Some cannot, as it frightens them, there are things in the mirror they rather not face (yet), they are not ready for it (to leave their old role), and naturally fall away. This too is the divine flow.

(The girl from Pakistan, who was shot by the Taliban, has taken upon herself the role of the mirror. The Taliban shot her to bestow fear, as in the old days fear begets more fear, and hate begets more hatred, etc. But now the mirror has changed, and instead of fearing, she holds up a mirror of strength and change for them to look into. Also India is being forced to look into the deepest abyss of its own being by al the violent rapes of women (and children) taking place there, coming out for all to see face/acknowledge, as are many other nations worldwide now looking into the mirror of change, being pushed/forced to face themselves. It is the divine choice of the God inside all those participants, to facilitate change for themselves in such a manner/process. On a deeper level everyone knows the role (of the one god) they’re playing in the hall of mirrors.

I also saw a cover of the recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, showing the close-up picture of the man-boy that, together with his brother, bombed the Boston Marathon in the USA. It showed a beautiful lovely young man, with big innocent, almost startled brown eyes, tender like a young deer. (I would have cuddled him on the spot). The picture went straight to my heart…and obviously many other peoples’ hearts as well, as there is currently a big uproar in the USA over this Rolling stone cover. Stores won’t sell it, and people won’t buy it. There’s an outrage going on, the reason given: They feel a ‘terrorist’ like that, has no right to be shown on the cover of a magazine, as if he were some sort of star/idol. But I know better…The origin of their outrage and anger is NOT that which they say it is, it lies much deeper. In that beautiful picture lies pure innocence, and softness (in fact it reminded me very much of my Michael, the same big innocent eyes, except for the colour), not something one, in the old world, expects, or wishes to see in someone they demonised and judged as being ‘pure evil’ and a ’terrorist…In fact, this young man serves as the mirror most Americans are not yet willing to look into, as it shows the terrorist inside all of them. This young man is no better or worse than anyone else, he is just a boy. It makes no difference whether one bombs a marathon, terrorises his neighbour, is a company or bank cheating people, performs rape, acts self-destructive or rejects oneself – and others- for being ‘not pretty’ or ‘not thin’, etc…It is all the same one terrorist inside all. This young man, Dzokhar, is the voice and face of the loving innocent god inside them all, meant to make them look into his soft, gentle face. Making them look straight into the face of their own terrorist, and into a mirror of love, giving them a chance to embrace love, instead of choose hatred (again). And that is what really caused the angry outcry, it triggered a big release of old energy-response…


….It is basically the same response people, ever since my earliest childhood, all over the internet, and in real life showed towards me, as I made them look into the mirror of love and truth they were not yet ready to look into, thus rejected, and attempted to beat out of me. Truth is quite confrontational. (Same way I looked into the mirror of innocent love with my Michael, and from our old programming we both rejected it (our inner terrorist), thus causing/triggering my/our intense process of release). But those outraged people, (and Michael and I), did not know that the seed of love had already been planted, and would sprout and grow, and come into bloom over time. I bestow my love and innocence upon the world around me, wherever I go, to whomever I come into contact with, physically or otherwise, without words being spoken even. (which will be even more so once Michael and I are reunited)…And so does this young man, who is not ‘the bomber’…bombing is merely what he did, not who he is…He brought/brings a great gift…(without his big brothers’ guidance,( who died), this young man would not have been able to perform this deed he needed to perform for the world…I am sure he misses his brother now, imprisoned, not an easy task he took upon himself) …Indeed he dropped a bomb, but it was a bomb of love, and an even bigger one than the world is currently aware of….)

Seeing behind all the scenes/illusions is quite interesting and neutral, and surreal…it opens a whole new world of possibilities.  All in good ‘time’ my friend will (unknowingly)  remember, and use the information/energy I gave her, once she is ready to leave the story she is currently in behind, they are all done with it, and do so. Things need time to trickle down, soak, and sink in, all in due ‘time’. For now she stored it somewhere in her system for later use, and when the time is right, she will dive it up, and fish it out of her memory banks to put to use.

I cannot contain myself…Gods’ joy & love needs expression…it is how the so called ‘big bang’ came about.

For me, it is time to commence a new story-book…one of creation from pure original innocence… without any veils…I tore them all down one by one, unveiling the truth, the original innocence.

I now also understand why all through my life I’ve been practically haunted by this image of Michael and I holding a little baby….it was merely symbolising the pure original innocence he and I were/are to bring into this world. Michael is the costume I dressed up in, to ensure myself a certain experience. Now, beyond all the veils and masquerades, the story becomes about living and creating in and from full openness and awareness. I opened the door for all to walk through, if they so choose.

I even found my neutral ‘God-voice’ …The same voice that summoned me to quit my job all those years ago, and leave the old reality behind, has now become my own. I use it to ‘command’ reality…I no longer ask (or beg any god beyond myself), I tell. I summon. Beyond the masquerade, that is how creation goes. There is also no more waiting (as time is just another illusion), and manifestations are never unexpected or come as a surprise, they come as expected, all natural, and pretty much instantaneously. I am divine, and so my timing = divine timing. (Not to be confused with the voice of ego that ‘wants’ and nags…I want for nothing, as I already have it all). When a violent thunderstorm appears I say “let off” or ‘move/go away’, and it immediately dissolves, or moves away in a circle around me, keeping clear of me, like I am the eye of the storm…There is simply no place for such violent energies in my space, as there exists no contrast in my space, those do not and cannot exist here… unless I call for them… My valley is one of peace, of love in its original innocence, undefined, before contrast was created…. Such violence then manifests in spaces for which they are a match, where contrast, and the violence that often comes of it, can exist, coming into being as they bash into each other.

We are having lovely, perfectly harmonious, stable summer weather here lately, ideal temperatures and a pleasant breeze, here and there a cloud, for days and days now… like being by the sea…I feel pure, tremendously joyful, clean and carefree, like in the summers I remember from very early childhood (and the way I felt with Michael), safe, clean and cosy after a day of warm summer sun and water …I am back at the beginning… the child…diving ever deeper into it, becoming undone…everything that was in-between it washes away…We end at the beginning.

I actually only have good memories of my childhood now, only all the fun stuff remained, the rest is gone/healed. It is quite quaint actually how I am being flooded now by many many wonderful lovely long forgotten childhood memories, now that all the garbage is out of the way, the innocent original child has been laid bare.  I wrote my parents an e-mail recently where I told them how much I love them, how grateful I am, and how well they did, how hard they tried to cherish all their kids, and give them a great childhood, to the best of their ability.

Like water that sprouts in the mountains a bouncy little stream, a tumbling, toppling, playful child, frolicking downhill, growing into an ever wider and broader river as it proceeds running further downward, away from it’s origin, and into the land, losing more and more of it’s original innocence along the way…Now returning, back from whence once it came.

It is almost a bit of a bummer even really…my whole life spent thinking there must be something really big, amazing and important going on, something magical and mysterious to uncover…with a big prize awaiting on the other side….only to find out it was all just a silly masquerade, a childish game of dress-up and hide-and-seek…so super-smart that it becomes stupid again.

Everything is different now; still getting used to it in a way…it is quite different looking at things from the beginning. Makes everything look quite silly and….neutral. It is simply all so very….fake. I am still wondering how to ever bring about/manifest all that is me in a place I know is fake…Like walking around a theatre-set, very clearly, and quite clumsily made out of painted cardboard… how to ever see and experience any’ reality’ in that, ever again?

I kinda feel like a 3- or 4-year old that sits on the pot, done doing it’s business, hollering: “I am do-one!”, so that the parents rush in to wipe clean it’s ass and take it off the pot…finally.

I experienced many days of divine bliss, euphoria, over a week it lasted, after which the human landed back on the earth, and a last minor bit of old, now obsolete, personality-release followed (lasted only a few hours, and was very mild)…From which came the following: When you’re done, your done, and you know/feel it…And the same way I brought this thing into motion 6 years ago, (while standing on the balcony at my working place, having a smoke, asking myself: “so then, is this it? Is this life?” thus expressing my willingness to move beyond and have the big questions answered), I now ended it. Last Sunday, July 14th, I sat on my balcony (again on a balcony for some strange reason), enjoying a perfect summer day, and the god-voice inside said, clearly and neutrally summoning: “I am done with this now, I took everything from this role that I could, I know enough now to create myself a beautiful life with my Michael in the new, and I am content with that. I need not go any further with this, I sign off. I will take my chances with what I now know, I sign up for a life from this, right here and now, and waver what might have come next. To go even beyond this, is something I now gladly pass on to those that follow behind me, which come after. I happily pass on the torch, I joyfully and with peace I my heart hang this cloak/role on the willows, in full awareness I took all from this experience/role that I could. I now gladly leave the breaking of new ground/ways to others. I am more than ready and content now with simply living my life, and expressing my love and joy in the physical with what I achieved here at this ‘time’, in this here and now, and everything that comes with that. That is what I now sign up for.

And right there and then I could feel myself being released, everything just sliding off me.  I could feel the torch being taken away and passed on, the old role/cloak being taken off my shoulders, I felt myself signing off and moving out. It all simply fell away, and tremendous peace came over me. My God-voice had been heard loud and clear, and answered. I was being set-free to now go and do my thing…loose. I performed my ‘task’ and served well, I moved mountains, moved heaven and earth, and all was good. It is now time to now retire, to take on and serve in a new role. Relaxation, love. Life…in the physical.

Alongside I was experiencing some minor flu-like symptoms, some sneezing and tickle throat coughing, bit of a headache, dizziness, left-eye twitching, and some zits (acne), as my hormonal and emotional wiring changed and the old bits were released. (lots of lucky relieving grateful tears) The usual stuff. The joy however remained; it is a mainstay now, a state of being. I also had a very significant dream where I saw myself in a room with many individuals, men and women, that all looked kinda like my Michael, but none of them was actually him. The hair was different, or the eye colour, clothing, house, street etc, they were all him, but not….One was angry with me, the other one mocked me, another one read fragments of my letters out loud saying he liked them, one didn’t want anything to do with me, one did not want to let go of the drawing I gave him, 2 were constantly annoyingly touching me and flirting with me, and some (mostly the women) were simply disinterested and whispered behind their hands, etc…They all represented fragments/aspect of Michael/me that had been integrated and brought into peaceful balance now…as I was sitting in the centre.

Like white (light) carries all the colours of the spectrum within, so do I now carry all these aspects/mirrors (=all the individuals and situations I encountered throughout life) within, I reconciled them, integrated them within, made peace amongst and with all of them, and now they are one neutral whole. I am all of them, and none of them.

3 days after this falling-away-of-the-old-role, I was invited by my new upstairs neighbour to come up for a drink. Since the first time I saw her about 10 months ago, and shook her hand, I had been aware that she was here to overtake my role at some point. I knew some sort of (energy) transfer was to take place because of it. She kept on saying, whenever she saw me, she wanted to invite me over sometime, (which was of no importance to me really, done with the whole thing as I was/am), but nothing ever came of it, as she never found the time. The right moment simply hadn’t arrived yet. Now, all of a sudden, she popped up outta nowhere, as I was watering the flowers on the terrace in the evening, and invited me over that same evening. So I went, and it developed as expected…She told me all about her life, what she had experienced during the time before, leading up to moving into my building, a story of being severely physically injured, disabled, no longer able to perform the many activities she was used to, thus resulting in a big-time confrontation with herself. The breaking up of a relationship, leaving an old job and familiar surroundings behind, being done with them, feeling some new move was needed…You know the drill….And now, obviously, she is ready to take upon herself this new role I just left behind. She is soon to begin her process, as a natural extension of the process she was already in for the last few years, a deepening. Everything before was just the prelude. Of course, she does is unaware of this fact, and still very much into the whole new-age spiritual scene with crystals and rituals etc (aka: the stone-age :D), for the moment anyway. She is ready to face a new day now, as am I. I passed the torch onto her (and many others alongside her) Since the big break through I have been feeling increasingly happy. Life has somehow returned, no more void. I taste my food again, am not so tired anymore, and when I open my eyes in the morning, I look forward to the day ahead, I look forward to watching a movie in the evenings, even if I saw it a dozen times already. A few years ago, the bridge over the river that was a set component of my daily walk, washed away. Thus forcing me to change my daily round from walking in all right-turns, to walking the other way, in all left turns. Everything has flipped; the stream has now changed its current and course.

As always, it is our free choice, and our creation, and when we’re done with one role, when we feel ready, and have gone all the way, we simply summon for another. Where in the old days one left the earth when done with a role, now we no longer need to end our life in order to evolve and move on/beyond, when we’re done we feel it, and simply choose differently, we make our statement and lay down our old hat…as after all…we are God.

This God-voice has no emotions or personal opinions attached to it, it is simply void of all that, neutral and immensely loving and certain, I cannot describe it. It has nothing to do with this voice of the personality, which used to complain and whine as she was being pushed to move beyond all her resistance and limitations. The god-voice comes from way beyond. Instead of the helpless wining and begging human voice of victim, now the summoning, decisive voice of God. I came into my God-self.

On Friday, July 19th, I was invited over to one of my neighbours children’s birthday party for some coffee & homemade cake. Their 4-year-old daughter always comes racing toward me from across the street, or wherever she is, as soon as her eye catches my presence. She always runs at me with open arms, expecting to be caught by my even so opened arms, for a big cuddle (which always works btwJ). At one point, outside, while surrounded by a bunch of enthusiastically screaming and playing 3- and 4-year olds (and their totally stressed out parents), tumbling and racing across the lawn, this little girl sat with me, looked at me with her big brown eyes, a bit of a dreamy look on her face, and uttered: “you are beautiful” to me. It takes a 4-year old innocent to see the Truth :D.

That same day, only a few hours before, I found myself in a situation which was totally different. I sat on the terrace downstairs with my landlord and –lady, and I sensed the tension there, amongst them and the kids (2 girls of 13 and 10) as well. My landlord is a bully you know. Not a bad person, as there is no such thing, but just a bully, caught in his own rigid perceptions of life and ‘right and wrong’. He told me he just had a bad nights’ sleep behind him, pain in his back bothering him and stuff. So we started talking. (You must know there have been endless injuries occurring in this family, for many months and years, they all suffer one illness and/or injury after the next). My landlord uttered all kinds of expressions like: ‘in my house things must/will go as I want them’, and ‘if you don’t see things my way, you are wrong’ (literally), totally ignorant to the fact he does not live alone, but in a community of all unique people/personalities. So I said:” I only ever heard dictators speak like that.”

His views of how things must be are also pretty outdated to be honest. This is not an opinion or judgment, but simply a neutral observation. He wishes to raise his kids the way he was raised, with a firm hand, in a very tight mould, you know the drill. His 13-year old daughter, whose hormones have just come into play, and who is discovering her own person, is not taking it too well, as I am sure we can all imagine, (Kids of this day are not the kids of 40 years ago), and neither is his partner, who weighs on him hand and foot. They all facilitate him, because when they don’t, he throws an anger tantrum that freezes everyone in fear, like rabbits caught in the headlights of a car, so they give in. His terror-regime works. He is basically just being a little spoiled brat. Of course, his kind of behaviour sets in motion a whole lot of old mechanisms, triggers more anger and unhappiness in those surrounding him, which they mirror back to him, showing him who he is being. Everyone there is miserable.

Anyway, as we were talking, he expressed his frustration with his kids and family, and, while my landlady was sitting in (we are close), he said how open-minded he was and yadayadayda. It was basically a song of praise on his own views. So I asked him: “Is that really so, are you really open to other views and people?” And he said ‘yes’, and I asked him again, and again he replied ‘yes’. So I asked: “Is it not so, that when one is so rigidly convinced of ones’ own ideas of how things should be, and forces everyone around him to dance to that same tune, one in fact is not open at all, but actually pretty closed off, and cemented in?” That question kind of backed him into a corner. - You must understand here that not in any way did I ever feel a personal involvement here, I was merely neutrally expressing what I had observed for many years, in a very calm non-criticizing way. - He is not used to being questioned/ challenged by anyone, (he has a leading position at his workplace), his family does not argue with him, as he either gets very very angry, or simply tells them he wants his peace and quiet, blocks their attempts,  and sends them off. No one can get through; he will simply never listen to anyone’s feelings on the matter. He is a terrorist basically. (This is how he himself was raised, back in the stone-age, by the patriarch of his family, which was his granddad. My landlord was ‘accidentally’ born out of wedlock, thus raised by his grandparents, and not his mom, who was never together with his dad. He only got to know his (even so bullying) dad when he turned 18).

So I asked him many such questions, kind of confronting indeed, as now he had to question himself, and his motives.  He kept on defending his own views. He got more and more upset, until I saw the man his family always has to deal with, pale faced, trembling with rage, or actually fury. So I asked him: ‘Look at you shaking, you are really angry huh?’ - Of course I could feel the vibration of his anger oozing off him, like waves of buzzing bees in my direction. But inside I remained very calm, neutral (I simply cannot be provoked, as I no longer carry the pain to match that of the old world). - And he answered: “Yes, because you are attacking me, you are not seeing my way, you keep saying other things than I am telling you, you keep contradicting me.’ This in fact was never the case, as he made his statements, and I simply asked him about them. Never at any time was I raising my voice or accusing him of anything, I was in fact simply calmly conversing, where he was attempting to violently force his views on me, like he was used to doing. And normally those around him would back down and agree/give him his way, or simply give up. I did not respond the way he was used to, but instead held up a mirror of love and neutrality for him to look into. I did not flee him, as I was not afraid. Nor did I reward/answer his anger with the same anger/aggression, but instead I stayed very centred, calm and collected, and asked questions.

Normally I do not engage in such issues, I do not meddle in peoples’ business, as to each his own (game), I respect that, and just observe. But this was simply very different. In this instance I very clearly this situation called for it/me. It was simply the god in me speaking. I was not criticizing or attacking, I was not personally involved, it did not come from ego, intervention, or a place of preaching, nor did his anger trigger anything in me. My interaction and motivation came from a very different place, from beyond all that. I was merely offering him the mirror (love) he needed, and his family needed as well. I was, in this moment, being the voice of the god inside him, delivering to him the message he needed/wanted to hear, and the voice of the family that never got a chance to express around him, as he is never willing to listen. Sometimes an ‘outsider’ is simply much better heard than the ‘own people’, as the outsider sheds a different light, brings in a new perspective.

My landlord took it all very personal. Instead of letting his rage chase me off (it simply could not), and walking away, I sat myself down next to him, hugged him, and planted a kiss on his cheek, saying I loved him. (he did not know how to respond, where to look, or what to say, acted totally baffled, in shock, and fell quiet). I also shed some tears as I embraced him, as I found it sad he was so locked in. The many injuries he suffered during these last years were all messages, clear signals/indicators of his stress and blockages, and I shared that information with him. He calmed down and agreed he was stressed. He even admitted I, just now, said some very good things to him.

This may sound disrespectful, but an aggressive dog can generally only stay aggressive for about 3 minutes, in that time it is decided, by the behaviour of the object that triggered the aggression, whether the dog attacks or calms down. When the attack he fears does not come, but is simply met with calm, respect, and non-provocation, the dogs’ aggression normally dies out pretty quickly, as there is nothing to fuel it. Thus my landlord.

After I sat down next to him, he calmed down, and we could actually engage in an open conversation, which took several hours. Now other sounds also came from him, For instance he told me about a book he recently, job-required, read about ‘narcissism’, and how that book had been a mirror to him, he recognised himself in some parts of it. I listened to him (something his family, very understandably, stopped doing long time ago). And also many things I told him about letting go, and the world not caving in when one does so. And how his rigidity was keeping love, and genuine support, from entering his space (he agreed that was true). I was very careful and gentle with him. I told him some things I myself experienced during these last 6 years of processing, examples of letting go and still being okay. We had a pretty good talk actually. But I am well aware, although this event has planted a seed, the battle in their home will continue on, as his family does not believe he can change, they are fed up and their opinion/definition of him is decided/ set. They do not see that in order for him to change, they themselves must also change, and uphold him a different mirror. It was a good day though.

Because the moment my landlord let down his rage/defences, the moment his resistance was broken, an opening was created through which he allowed himself to, if ever so briefly, breathe in the love I was breathing out in his direction. Of course my landlord only plays the role of a bully; it is not who he is, but simply what he does/reflects, for now.

The night hereafter, I dreamt about mosquitoes. Every time when I set foot outside, dozens of razor-sharp tiny fluorescent mosquitoes would sting me. They felt like burning poison ivy, and endless needles being drilled deep into my skin.  I had to remove them one by one, and for some the sting would remain stuck in my skin with tiny hooks. I was covered by burning infesting wounds all over. Each time I attempted to set foot outside the house, a new swarm attacked me, and I could not remove the stings as fast as they were coming in. When I woke up from this dream, that seemed to have taken forever/all night, I felt like having been hit by a truck: pain in my body, flu-symptoms, coughing…and also my period burst lose.

Back in the old days, although unaware at the time, whenever I set foot in the outside world, it would feel like those mosquitoes/the energies of pain humans carried around, would sting and hurt me, and cause festering wounds. So I hid away inside as much as possible. This event with my landlord showed me how deeply anchored in my love I now am, how firmly the god is anchored inside me, and how totally loving and immune I have become to the stings coming my way. (These people (=aspects of myself) served me well, helped me develop, remove the stings, heal the wounds, and see). I was outside among people all day, and nothing pierced through my skin/shield of love and peace anymore, nothing could glue itself onto me, or nestle inside my being. It just all naturally bounces off, cannot find any footing in/with me. This is exactly what used to upset my ‘teachers’ and ‘therapists’ so much when I was young. People use to say: We cannot get a grip on Ilse, she simply does not respond to our pinches the way ‘normal’ people do (once I understood what they were after, I simply copied the behaviour of others who were fit the bill, and were commended, so people would get off my back and leave me be).

The ancient endless cycle of painful action-reaction simply ends with me, it cannot survive. Once it bumps into me, it bounces and slides off my love and peace, to die out right there and then, on the spot. This dream (and the accompanying symptoms, which lasted less than an hour)) showed me a last old, now obsolete piece/fragment of myself being released/ neutralised… Since I left the old role behind, and passed on the torch, it became redundant. Very good indeed J

After a lovely warm summer day I was standing on my balcony, enjoying the evening sundown with my eyes closed, arms wide, the gentle evening sun on my face and skin, the wind caressing me, blowing through my clothes and hair, which was hanging down, moving on the wind. The sweet smell of freshly mown grass, the far away voices of people having a barbeque, children giggling and  playing, birds chattering in the treetops, leaves whispering. The experience was so lovely, I simply forgot’ time’, over an hour I just stood there like that, my body swaying on the warm, firm but gentle breeze, deeply enjoying it…

Right after I was shown how the human=god, but god is not the human. God/love in its original state can neither hear, see, smell, taste or touch, (nor have sex/ make love to itself), that is why hu-man was created (by us). I was shown the original intention behind the creation of earth and mankind. (All the rest –interpretations and derivations- came after it). God cannot feel like humans (or other beings) do, has no emotions, cannot cry or anger etc. God cannot feel/experience the sun and wind on its skin. All god experiences is its eternal self, meaning: love and joy, with no variations in between. Very eagerly, carefully, intelligently and lovingly thus hu-man was created. Ingenuity beyond (human) comprehension…A work of art, a labour of love, in order to be able to express love in form, and experience it in all its facets. Creation brings us/god joy, and by its joy it can create near-to-life experiences, in virtual worlds. Life indeed is a gift we gave our self. One where, by free will, we can make from whatever we choose/want, get out of what we think is in it, without any plans, agendas or restrictions. It was never the original intention that the emphasis would be on fear and pain, that those would become the centre points around which life would gravitate, but since free will accidentally brought us there, we decided to experience and explore it while we were there, for just a little while. Gods’ interest solely lies in the (experiencing of) the many creative processes, in the play itself (not the many results that naturally come of it, as those also undergo constant changes, they evolve as the play progresses…There IS no set goal to achieve). There is no pre-destination, we are actually naturally void of destination and purpose, we are simply in it for the endless game/process. All the explanations earthlings (and non-earthlings) gave to divinity and life were of course incorrect, but free visions/ perspectives to explore. (This so called 'ascension' is merely a speeding up, and intensifying of the process/play that had already been going on, been underway for thousands of  'years', so that a new game could /can commence. We simply decided to skip everything in-between, race through the last chapters, and go straight to the finish line/new beginning, as we were (God was) done with this story)And there is not one soul on this world, child or adult, that, on a deeper level, has not chosen to be right where he is now at, to look in the mirrors he/she currently sees into (that basically god holds up for him/herself), just so that he/she has an opportunity to create him/herself a new path, beyond where he/she is currently at. Roles are being played, thus experienced and examined. In the new time this will no longer be as it is now, the veil will be all lifted and gone, everyone will be born with full awareness of his/her god-self, and what he/she wishes to ‘do’ or ‘be’ here, and to change that original ‘pre-ordination’ at will. It will be all out in the open.

In fact, this above information came to me accompanied by the image of a child alone in a room, playing with tin soldiers… And in fact this image carried such a deep impression of loneliness, that it moved me to tears. It simply felt like a lonely child that distracts itself by playing, as no one ever comes, and it has nothing else to do. (God cannot express these things, except through and by the human form…showing it to me by images that trigger a feeling…that is the only tool god/we has/have). Let’s just make this Life a joyful experience now, like it was originally intended to be. Gods’ voice is very compelling.

This website is the legacy I leave behind, a road-map for all those who need/seek it, of the path uncovered. It lies there now, naked and bare for all to see, for those who seek to find, for all who knock to be opened upon, and for those who ask to be given to.

All those years where I wrote to Michael, as I was undergoing my process of cleansing, telling him everything that was happening with me, describing all the ‘secrets’ I uncovered, I was being the voice of his heart, of the God inside him, putting into words what our hearts had known and felt all those years ago, being the mirror of purity he needed to look into, thus bringing my Heaven onto his Earth. His ever- continuing (mirror of) silence pushed me to go ever deeper, delve ever deeper into my being, excavating. The same way the love- waves served to blast away each and every bit of resistance I had to the pure innocence and love we embodied, in order to lay bare the God within, so my words bashed away at the dams of his resistance to love, until they broke and crumbled, and love could flow…once again.

The call of my love, my god-voice, is so strong, it pulls on his heart, and he cannot withstand and contain himself for much longer. The same way I could not withstand the voice that called/ summoned me to quit my job and leave the old reality behind, all those years ago. A compelling voice of sheer and deep joy, excitement and crying freedom...one must simply obey and follow. The divine/God has now descended completely into me, and is totally anchored in . I now see everything only through divine eyes, being both human and god in /as one.

In the same way I am the Voice of the God within all those who read this, I am the voice of your own heart, of the God inside you, who guided you here to read these words, to look into my/your mirror of truth and purity. With these words I bring my Heaven onto your Earth, plant my seed into thy womb, where it may be nurtured, evolve, grow and flourish, until it has come full-term, breaks free, and births into this world. I am the pure open channel of loving innocent divinity that brings these words to those who were asking, seeking and knocking. Gods’ loving innocence flows through me like the unstoppable force of life itself, a great nourishing flood from beyond, bringing new life,  exhilarating, foaming, frolicking, waves upon waves of heavenly bliss rush through me, barely containable, joy, o joy…. uplifting me to heights beyond measure (of time and space, or even comprehension). The words and drawings pouring out of me come from a place far beyond (me)…bigger and more powerful than life itself… pure divine ecstasy filling me. Deep freeing breaths, full of emotion.

All the beauty, abundance and love I carry within, I see now coming back to me, reflected back at me via the world/reality surrounding me; by Michael, peoples’ donations, support, gifts and the kind words of gratitude coming my way.

In order to receive such gifts (our own love & abundance mirrored back at us), one must first learn to open up, and receive, to see and hear divinity. God= the void. That’s why Gods’ voice can only be heard in the stillness, the emptiness, the silence. One can only truly come to the God within through the desert, the absence of all things and activities, the undefined, ’deprivation’ if one wishes to call it that. In the void one is still, unhindered, becomes uncluttered, and discovers the true nature of being and creation, from peace and quiet.

Looking into the void = looking into yourself, coming face to face with your own core being/essence. For many humans in ‘the process’ it is boot camp. The stillness that surrounds you, the emptiness you are in, where you are forced to look at/face your own demons, in order to rise above and beyond them. Where you are being emptied out, dropping every illusion of who you are not, alone, morphing, rewiring/ recreating/ reconstructing yourself, and nothing moves or manifests, except for those things that support you in learning to see with new eyes, and learning to hear with new ears. Dropping off/doing away with all the illusions, all that is not truly you. Until finally you reach the neutral centre-point/point-zero, and recognise your true Self, your core innocent essence. Until you yourself have become/are the reflection of the void/love. And by this, you facilitate change in everyone that, in turn, looks into (the mirror of) you. This is how God brings about change on the Earth, by changing the mirror-reflections, thus offering itself a new image/theme to look into. The same way any cunningly placed chain of ordinary mirrors reflects light to illuminate the inside of a building or basement, or to simply transfer an image from mirror to mirror, even over great distance.

Some simply had to go first, cut free a trail, create a path, pave the way, and change themselves (some also transmuted the old energy stored in the earth, filtering it, making it all new), in order to become the mirror the world/game needed. From there, the rest flows/transfers all by itself, a natural process. Change yourself, the image/reflection you send/breathe out, and you change the world.

This void is created by no one other than you. The God inside you thus forces itself to step back, detach itself from the physical, and look into all the surrounding (self-created) mirrors. The mirror of silence and void that brings about the anxiety that needs to be released, the mirrors of situations (like for instance illness/dis-ease, both your own as those of others), and people that carry a message to you, showing you who you are being, thus asking/urging /offering you to decide for yourself what does and does not fit you, who you are and who you are not.  It all begs/forces you to go/move beyond and choose, to be God/void/love, and decide your own reality. Without rejecting any of the mirrors that you held up for yourself in the process, in the form of people (=you) and circumstances (=you), as they are all you, and merely serve you.  It all serves you. It was and is always you.

It’s like going through a picture book, looking at/into all the pictures, and deciding which one(s) is(are) you, which ones reflect best what you feel inside (for that moment)…Some need to look very long at certain pictures, and need to play a certain role very extensively, before deciding they are done with it and moving on, turning a new page. (‘mother’, ‘bully’, ‘sister’, ‘lover’, ‘son’, ‘victim’,’ abuser’, ‘caretaker’, ‘musician’, ‘politician’, ‘(cancer-)patient’, ‘fat person’, ‘ugly duckling’, ‘nurse’, etc…All roles facilitating each other, as mirrors). As I mentioned before, it is all just a very cunning game of dress up. In the old world this was all taking place under the veil, without awareness of own creative divinity. In the new world this takes place in full awareness of ones’ divine creativity and influence.

So…be aware, and take your power back.

It takes great awareness, detachment and observation. A constant conscious awareness and decision not to let yourself get dragged into all those thoughtless, automatic responses/ reactions the old world is so very accustomed to, as they are used to simply blindly projecting back everything they see and feel around them, allowing everything they are confronted with to program and decide their responses for them, like a projection screen without a will/choice of its own. (Everything that matches/reflects each other is always brought together, as one functioning whole, be it pleasant or unpleasant. It is which ever you choose it to be). One does not need to take on the pain and discomfort the world around you attempts/wishes to invoke in/bestow upon you.

Humans reflect/mirror each other, the earth takes in human consciousness, and in turn projects/breathes it out into the universe, where the hall/chain of mirrors thus continues, and a transfer takes place, mirroring/breathing in and out the energy-imprint from world to world. Each world using/adjusting it to perfectly fit its own unique requirements.

It all truly is one big hall of mirrors: The moon reflects the sunlight. The left side of the earth reflects the right side, the downside the upside (polar opposite reflections). Water reflects the sky: the canyons, plant life and fish beneath the water mirror the mountains, plant life and birds above water. The upper part of the body mirrors the lower part of the body: brains reflect bowels (both digesting input/information/food). G-spot and prostate reflect the pineal gland. Clitoris and top of the penis reflect the pituitary gland. Vagina and penis reflect the throat. The heart reflects the navel and solar plexus area. Arms mirror legs. The senses in the face (eyes, nose, ears, and taste) reflect the sensibility in the genitals/sex-organs. Up= the mouth where food goes in (intake), down= the mouth/anus where food comes out (excretion).

The upper part of the body serves mostly the intake of information; the lower part of the body mostly serves the excretion. Of course there is feminine in masculine, and masculine in feminine, and so we can also throw up via the mouth (=up), breathe both in and out (excretion) through the mouth (and nose), and receive semen/babies via the vagina (=down) as well as excreting babies via the same entrance/opening, to name just a few examples. (Divine/ethereal energy is received via the solar plexus, working it’s way through the body both upward and downward. Also the sex-organs/glands receive energy/information, sending it ‘up’, while the glands in the head excrete hormones that work their way downward throughout the body, etc. so up = down, and down = also up, exit=entrance and entrance= also exit. The masculine brings it outward (material), the feminine takes it inward (ethereal). I am sure you can figure out the rest for yourself. (I wrote about all these things loooooong time ago, in the (illustrated) articles about the 11:11, and crop circles, etc. )

It is simply all one big hall of mirrors, (in) the image of God. Gods’ image reflected (in)to infinity. It is all one (big) closed circle/system/circulation, one round whole.

It was/is all created by you and for you. This process of cleansing you force onto yourself, to teach yourself, so that you may look into yourself, to learn to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears, to teach yourself to truly and clearly ‘listen’ & ‘see’, above and beyond all illusions, in order to be(come) the God you truly are. This is ‘the splitting of the ‘red sea’…as in fact, there was never any sea to begin with, it was always just an illusion.

It is your own (low or high) vibration that decides how ‘thin’ or ‘thick’ your reality flows. As all reality is fluid. A high vibe (=love) has a very swiftly and effortlessly flowing reality. A low vibration (=not love) has a very sluggish, lumpy movement :D

The void/love invites you to drop all definition, to move beyond all the illusions of the flesh…as your core essence = (the) void.  You are the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. It all begins and ends with you. And then, uncluttered, beyond all illusions, you are ready to see into the mirror of truth, the core (you), of pure original innocent love, and create anew, from a different perspective.

This is in fact where I come/came/originate from, ‘before’ (also) coming into the flesh/on the earth. I come from ‘The Beginning’, from that which is first, pure and straight from the core/ source, the original state, the point of origin. Not from any derivative or world, as those come/came ‘later’, ‘after’ the core, created by/from and out of the core.

Everything (world/reality) flows forth from (and back to) the void…from us…We breathe out love & creation. We are the one heart, circulating the blood of life to legions of cells; we are the lungs that filter life.


...To be continued soon by a (last) small piece I have already written, but cannot yet publish, as it has not yet come to pass...:D


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Return To Me...

posted Jun 22, 2013, 4:05 PM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Jul 1, 2013, 1:15 PM ]

So, here I am again, it’s been a while….The response to the drawing, and few accompanying  lines I posted only a few days ago, was so tremendous and enthusiastic, that I felt the need right now to kind of share with you my experiences of these past few months in a nutshell. People seem to be rather curious about it all, and this way I can share with everyone at once, in stead of answering each e-mail in person…sorry, me lazy :D….

…So, I do this by simply copying and pasting some very intimate personal e-mails (they start in April, and end in June) I sent to a very close friend of mine, with whom I share day-to-day ascension bizzo, we’ve been doing this for years now. So if the texts all seem a bit like (incoherent) patchwork, well, that’s because…they are! :D

Hang in there; it’s quite a long story/report, as it entails every bit of emotion and everything I experienced.


“Haven't been online for a while...the weather here was very nice and so I spent my time sleeping and just sitting outside on my balcony in the sun, with a book mostly... I even sunbathed topless last Sunday....just didn't care about the neighbourhood watch...if they don’t like it, they simply should not look....the wind and sun on my weary body was simply divine....

Been doing some minor cleaning and simply organizing......I feel weird lately.... too tired for a lot of cleaning...I don't last long ha-ha...I feel a strange detachment to the whole ascension thing as well.....as if I left it all behind and am in a whole new land now.....(where spelling is very difficult btw :D)

I feel like a whole new me....far away from anything that was before....

It is like being in a virtual reality game....you're body is lying some room someplace keeping itself alive, but the mind and heart is someplace else, in another world already...

I am no longer in that (ascension) loop (I am out of the process); I no longer feel the dark things happening or coming, nor the earthquakes and other ‘disasters’..... But I do weep in release along side..... Many must still pass through the wormholes we long passed through.... and the spin of it makes them go nuts, it is cleansing , spinning of all that old energy...volatile though....

I saw the neighbours and landlady with family....and although I know these people for years, I now feel a funny kind of detachment from all of it...... as if only my body is still here, looking... and I myself am already elsewhere......this is no longer my place to be....I simply have nothing more to ad to this (old) story....I reached the complete ceiling...It is done...nothing interests me anymore either...it is all just a drag....can't watch TV anymore, it is uninteresting and I am too restless

My laptop already had stripes running over its monitor....2 wide ones, and about 3 lines in white, pink and blue...and just now, before my very eyes, a big wide white band appeared, right in my reading-part...so... only some I can see, the rest is eaten up by the big stripe...and another small pink one appeared on the other side as well...Man...this monitor won’t last me much longer I don't think...even my TV has stripes and shimmers  running over the monitor, and my CD-player makes funny noises in between the music....This material reality has reached it’s very end, is using up it’s very last bits of life, at it’s finish…falling apart… (Especially electrical equipment suffers with these ever higher/increasing transition-energies….Logical, as they are all run by and function on (oscillating) electrical) wave-movements/light currents… it’s (vibration) what keeps them (material reality) together after all).

I have been dreaming a lot lately as well....the other night I dreamt of being in a house in a street that was being flooded by rain water at daytime, first it was just a bit, then it became a stream....and I had to leave the house, there was someone with me but I dunno who...when I came out of the door I prayed god to keep us safe...and right away, to the right of me, a wall that looked like the yellow plates of beeswax with hexagonal shapes printed in it appeared..... so we could get away....we ran... then after a bit we looked behind us, it was pitch black night time then,  and saw the village, which turned out to be village in Holland where I was born, grew up in, and spent most of my life, being flooded by both water and red glowing lava
coming from above (looked like mountains but couldn't have been as my old village has none), steaming, it was like a disaster movie, very impressive images, a strangely gorgeous spectacle....the old world was going under.....

Have had many dreams...flooded by them...

Yes, I had my b'day last Sunday (turned 43, feels more like 4300)...a day like any other day.... except....I feel very different lately...and there's been waves coming in, love waves.... normally there was contrast following the love waves, but that is no longer the case...... I feel wave upon wave of love, takes days...I go up, up, up....a new type of love energy it is...never felt like this before, feels like new life....then I land, meaning going back to 'normal'....

I simply land on some plateau in between waves, land. feel normal, shed some relieving tears, feeling all grateful.....and have very deep breaths, like breathing in forever, expansive.....then I get very tired, exhausted in a very pleasant way, like being on drugs, heavy body...then the next love wave(s) comes in.....I feel floating all the time....moving up....feeling like an empty vessel that is being filled anew, day after day after day…slowly but surely.....can't quite describe it....as if my Love is sinking/coming ever deeper into me….

I just can't do this 'life' anymore....Feel like a caged in tigress for weeks now I guess....even if now I have to bulldoze my way out of this, I might just do that..... all these years I gave him his space, respecting his decision.....I do think he is still in F., he's just not the kind that packs up and leaves his 'heimat' as he called it....I feel so strongly I must go see him now...I am sending my orders back, and going to use the money to travel to F..... I hope we indeed are at a crossroads....or I will blast me a path straight through.... I’m done.... downloaded the info from the tourist office....I might stay there a night even, or 2....a little holiday, sightseeing, been long time...I might even tell him that I am there and where I am at...what the hell have I got to lose?!....zero...

I thought of this before, and then it felt wrong....but now it no longer does.....and for some reason I never thought of asking the local authorities for his address before, it just never popped up, didn't know it was an option really......Since there is no right or wrong....and I am not feeling anything energetically stopping me, I will just do this thing....I think next week on Friday.... this week I still am getting my period, gonna wait until that is over...so, in about 2 weeks, 7th of June, I plan to go to him....if Moses doesn't come to the mountain, the mountain might as well travel to Moses....

I think I will show myself to him, say hi....I think I just won't be able to stand just looking.... who cares anyway....we'll see.... Maybe him returning to me was just another assumption... maybe I am to go to him....who knows anymore?

F. has a lot of pretty stuff to see, so I won't be bored.... all these great ideas I had for making my own linens and stuff....all good....but they were just me trying to fill an emptiness....when all I really truly want, and ever wanted, was and is to be with him....nothing can ever replace that or fill that ginormous empty void he left....I can change/move the furniture, and change the linens, clothes and everything.....and still that wouldn't make anything right, it wouldn't make anything here fit....it is simply over.....I am done being here like this... I don't care about the money...at all....I simply asked god to support me on this.....if god=love....then god supports me no matter where I go or what my choices are.... And the reunion of my love and I will not be held depending on the formula of the reunion, whether he comes to me or I go to him.....it's all the same...there is no right or wrong....I guess something has been removed in me as well...some blockage, something that held me back....I cannot be held back any longer.... I am no longer bound by human type ideas/reservations about morality and such….I am beyond all moulds…

I guess I am also relying on my vibe, and the impact I know I have on others that come into contact with me.... when he sees me, as I radiate now....well.... I am going without agenda and/or expectations.... but it will be powerful and different...

Isn't everything manipulation after all....?

Since doing that food-thing, you know, the woman bringing me free food every 2 weeks, very often there are things in there that I thought about a few days earlier....like this time it was garlic-mayonnaise and sauer-herringfilets, mmjam :)…Since starting the kefir, now I also get a lot of Activia-yoghurt, which basically contains the same bacteria :D...and I got seedless white grapes....and macaroni...and some Asian ready-meals...and looooooooads of different cheeses...(me Dutch, loves cheese :D)

Well.... the lady from the local authorities  mailed me back....yes indeed she found ONE Michael born at that exact date....but his last name is only similar to H, different spelling, same sound.....and so she does not really want to give me his address..... You kidding me?

(I actually had a bit of an anger tantrum after this, for about a day…in that day a baby was found in sewer pipe in China, and much more unloving stuff like that was going on, violence and all, so it was, as always, the energies working, it was not mine…)

Sometimes I think that too...that he waits for me to come to him.....somehow I feel I must impact his life now the way he did mine.....once he lays eyes on me, it will be okay.....he will feel it...I am sure....he always said: 'I could never be mad at you.....'

I know, the feelings were very intense, and scary, for me too....not anymore though, but maybe he simply needs me to feel and face them......I would not reject him for any reason, even if he's mad at me and rejects me, I will still simply love and embrace him.....that is who I am now….he can simply show himself....no matter how....

I trust love....I rely on it.....that's what this whole ordeal was all about after all, right....

I don't think he will text me back....he hasn't for 2,5 years.....he's a very good silent-keeper....

I don't feel any uncertainty either, like I used to when thinking about going to him.....I feel quite neutral en serene now.....my period came through just now, 6 days late.....

I feel careless about everything.....I used to also have some kind of fear about those government instances I needed to see, and that had 'power'....now I had to go see that doctor, and I don't care....may sound calculating, but from my history with psychiatrics and docs I know just what it is they wish to hear to give me the support I need....sometimes I just ‘lie’, and tell them what they want to hear, a form of peaceful manipulation when needed, it's much simpler and enables me to navigate the old world as well......They always believe what they see and hear, the whole illusion, whatever is presented/fed to them, as long as it fits their mould they take it as a reality…I do not judge myself for making things simpler and easier, I am beyond all that, I just go with whatever fits the moment……. and basically I don't care anyways,  whether they give me money or not....all the same to me....

Anyway...I feel towards these things the way I felt when moving to Austria all by myself...in Dutch we say : 'de dood of de Gladiolen'......means either I die or win....now or never, all or nothing.....that was my motto when coming to Austria...and that is my motto when going to him.... for some reason it feels okay....when the thought popped up one Sunday afternoon to move to Austria I didn't think about it much, I simply followed, made the arrangements and went...and so it will be/is this time....either I land, or ...not....

Must have been odd for him to read about all my weird experiences during all those years after he left....I don't blame him for not knowing what to say to that...how is ones' response to be when one mentions the love was so intense it made god come out.....?

No matter what happens, I am okay...this is my last ditch effort to finally make things move..... maybe the universe has been waiting for me to break free.....and imagine...when one twin-couple makes it back together....it makes it easier for others to do so as well...when one sheep has crossed the dam....I don’t know....not thinking about it too much...I am very calm...maybe I will be excited next Friday in the taxi...but I hope not....I hope I will be calm and collected.... the easier, the better I like it.....Most part of me is detached....has already let go....whatever happens, I will deal with it....or give up for good, which is fine by me as well after all these long hard years...I am good with that scenario.....nothing to lose....everything to gain....

You know....I caught myself yesterday....my thoughts were leaning more towards anticipating getting rejected than anything else..... when in 'reality' there is nothing signing either way....it is neutral...him never writing me back means no-thing at all.....it is all just appearances, illusions.... whatever I make of it....I guess rejection has been such a big part of my experience on this earth, deep deep down inside I still simply somehow expect to get rejected, I calculate it in..... if it is fear I dunno, don't think so, doesn't feel like it....or maybe this is the last deepest oldest fear I carry that needs to get transmuted this way.....(which only works of course if he were to receive me with open arms....with love.....)

So....if one follows logic, like dr. Spock from Star Trek.....then: 6 yrs ago I wasn't one/in tune with myself, not whole within, I was insecure and rejected myself....never thought I was pretty/good enough, that I was weird, and always figured I’d get rejected.... so...he rejected me as well....he could not embrace me as I did not embrace myself....Now...I am whole within, and fully embraced myself.....so....logically....he must now also embrace me....he basically doesn't have much choice :D

I am much fatter and older then all those yrs ago, I don't look anything near as hot like I did back when....but I am so much more secure, completely secure with myself......I am simply me now, and that's all I can and want to be.....I am not going to go all dressed up or do anything special either to face him, I am simply going as I am....face him...and that's it for me......the rest isn't my bizzo...that's up to him.....

I may not look gorgeous, but I sure feel gorgeous.....full of light....endless flow of love....I radiate love....
(and when one feels it, thus radiating/vibrating it, one is also perceived as such by others…it’s magic :D)...that is who I am, and that is how I am going to him.....

oh well....just another leap of faith....been there, done that...it is all the same...he is just a man.....I do not fear this 'fear'....nor his rejection.....it is simply something I must face..... Maybe the last big illusion to break...and go straight for the heart.....

I am not that insecure person anymore, afraid of rejection....I learned to handle rejection very well.....slight disappointment is always there, but still...once one knows where rejection comes from, one can no longer feel pain about it.....I am not afraid anymore....nor ashamed.... yes.... there are billions of factors to consider....if he can't be brave, then I am brave enough for the both of us.....until he fears no more.....once he sees me, it will be okay....the spell of separation will be broken....one way or another.....in the old energy no woman would do this, or they would be held for silly lovesick nutcases or stalkers....but this is different, and I don't care for old-worldly views on things, I simply follow my heart.....my voice......I don't analyse or rationalize.... no rules or judgment....no preconceptions....just go with it....

Society would not be very supportive when an older woman like me goes 'after' a younger guy that is way gorgeous, when she is fat....that is something this world cannot swallow....they think I don't have the right......people think that people as different as he and I are, have no right to love each other....fat does not go with thin, gorgeous and younger does not go with older, in their mind.....ugly has no right to love hansom....hansom no right to love ugly....(I am not saying I am ugly, I am merely saying I do not meet the human standards for 'pretty'...or desirable)

I remember when this process started for me, and I was surfing the net to see if I could find out anything, I landed on the forum of 'the secret', and told my story there, asking if others had the same or similar experiences, I was so confused....and you know what happened? People got nasty and told me to 'leave the boy alone'....telling me I was a sicko.....I guess me going to him is truly breaking yet another taboo....I am brave and secure enough to do so now....I wasn't all those years,...not even last year....but I sure am now....I no longer have any blockage to love.....no reservations whatsoever....nothing holds me back anymore....

yep...we can look like crap....but our energy never does......I think divine energy is also very sexual in nature...if anyone were to really pick up on it, it's the (young) men.....

...so...I am trusting the divine to bring us eye to eye...an then see what happens...

I feel kinda weird...been drawing the cards....nice distraction...Outside is dark grey, the world drowning under liters of heaven-water.... washed clean.... The thought of getting to see him I cannot imagine anything with.....after all these years, I have no true concept of it.....we are not who we were.....I am so much more now....5 days....

yes....concepts....I guess we are beyond concepts now.....free to do things our own way, live our own life, beyond structures.... I have no concept/idea anymore of what life is (supposed) to be (like)…I am a white canvas…Tabula Rasa… I wonder how he will respond......all these memories of us together have been coming back.....I wonder if he is/feels still soft and sweet.....and loving....

I guess the woman from the office warned me to be careful because...well.....from looks he is every woman’s' dream, tall, dark, light eyes, muscular......he must be the best looking guy in F., an every girl must be nuts for him....but I realised it was not just his looks that did it for me.....it was his gentle and simple nature.....I enjoyed the looks, yep, definitely.....but I slept with other good looking men....

Back then he felt less than me because I read books and spoke different languages and stuff....and I felt less than him as I was less good looking........now my all my complexes and fears are gone...and I no longer feel less than....I have nothing to hold me back anymore....I am not who I was before.....

Man...I slept 12 h. last night, I am just so exhausted.....all around there were sirens going off, helicopters flying and cars with flashlights doing their patrols....it has not been raining, it has been pouring and there's been many floodings.....should stop during the night, and tomorrow on Monday the sun should come out again.....haven't seen the sun in ages....

I am too exhausted to do anything....too exhausted to bother with possible scenarios...I simply must go there...and the rest is in gods' hands....

I cannot do this life/existence anymore.....Time to end the long separation..... I guess I will be breaking through yet more barriers....not just emotionally spiritually and mentally...but more physically now....not just within...but also without...through the barricades......last bit...so me....

…also part of the illusion....he is not his appearance.......I think being that good looking can also be a burden....only 4 more days....

I am all packed and ready (I even packed some condoms...not counting on anything, but one never knows either....we were irresistibly all over each other way back when)...laid out the clothes I will be wearing and all...now I am just finishing up the cards.....then start tomorrow I have 3 days to prep my body....if that's even possible....

I am getting slightly excited...and on the other hand I am like: jeez, what am I doing...again me taking the plunge.....when are others finally going to?....when is he? For Pete’s sake.... always me doing the hard work...although this doesn’t really feel hard....I am also looking forward to seeing him, and kinda nervous about it. but not too much....it's just plain strange..... mixed feelings.....yet it also feels like the natural thing to do.... Anyway....it is the last effort I make...I am so done with this game....

Of course...as soon as I get back I will tell you all about it.....

The rain stopped...finally.....I was almost expecting Noah’s arc to come sailing by, hahahaha! Lots of drama in the area though, also in
Germany and Tschechien....Nearby a dam broke and a whole village got washed away pretty much, people were evacuated in time though..... Flooding, 9 people drowned.....landslides...you name it...it is actually very convenient I decided to take the taxi....The railways connecting to Bavaria are shut down, destroyed, will take them at least a week to get things up and running again....also conveniently I planned my trip for this Friday, and not earlier...travellers are stuck everywhere.... some roads closed... some areas totally closed off from the outside world by the water.....Fridays’ weather predictions are just lovely, 24 degrees and sunny....perfect....

Strange times these are....

That woman from the local authorities must have felt something inside as well, or she would not have given me his address..... no one does that when they feel someone is just a loony.... she must have felt my sincerity....anyways...the path lays wide open now....so I am just gonna walk...and see where it takes me/us.....Funny idea I might come face to face with him next week...after all this time.....I think god will make sure we get to meet....I feel something.... something good....Oh well...we'll see.... he still lives where he lived 6 yrs ago.......with his parents... they live downstairs, he lives upstairs......I remembered yesterday I saw an H. in the phonebook.... so I looked it up, same address....his dad is called Andreas (not much variety people in Tyrol and Bavaria have concerning names...they are all named the same basically :D)

I dunno....if he read that message (I cannot be entirely sure he still has that cell-phone number...although I am pretty sure he does...)....I can't begin to imagine what he may be thinking/feeling.....panic? :D  or maybe slight joy and anticipation as well?  Who knows....

I will not ever tell him when I am coming anyway....don't wanna spoil the surprise :D...nor give him the option of fleeing.....again.....I guess this just needs to happen....

....I also said that if for some reason I would not get to see him, I’d give those presents I have been keeping for him to his parents or sister  (his sister lives only 1 street further).....kinda nasty, huh? :)

I guess it's just one of those families where nothing out of the ordinary ever happens, they do what most people do, work and stuff, never do anything wilder than go on holiday to Spain, visit some Dorffest and drink beer, and for the rest stay in each others' vicinity forever.....no one daring to go beyond the box.....tough nut to crack for god :)

Last night I was in bed wondering.....he likes living with his folks, have the bread ready on the table for him in the morning.... nothing unexpected happening, safe and predictable.....and then there am I......I hardly ever even vacuum anymore, nothing I do fits the housewife standards, nor am I anything, I am sure, his parents ever imagined for their son.... omg....when I think of it, it is quite hilarious too.....I am so not his mom....the feminine role-model he grew up with and was programmed with..... I break all their rules....and there I go now...shatter his world.... turn it upside-down, one way or another.....and I don't mind it one bit....

Maybe god needs me to do this to make it kick-start to happen.....since I am the system buster....  and because I simply can...I am not held back by any confining ideas or judgments..... maybe I just need to do this for him....to help him.....I am strong and brave enough for it....who else would be? Maybe he just can't do it on his own...the same way I could not begin the ascension process without him.....Maybe he needs to be touched with my love/light.....even if only for a brief moment.....

I was thinking I’ll drop off a little something for Frau Annemarie at the local office when I am in F....as a thank you for giving me his address.... right now...I am having my period...and will retire myself to the good old couch (I have a hole there), eat, and watch some DVD’s..... Outside it's cold and grey again.....funny huh.....getting to just go and see him....just like that.....

Anyway...I made a room reservation for one night, in a Gasthof only one street away from his home....I also decided to spare myself a lot of hassle, with the bus connections kinda sucking here, and so I booked the airport-service, it picks me up at my house, and takes me to the airport in Munich, which just happens to be right next to F., only 4 km.....then I hop on a bus, and voilá, I don’t have to concern myself with making any connections in time, and if I will catch the last bus back home.....I get picked up and taken back home again, easy peasy....costs only 12 Euros more than the train/bus....(and as I later found out, the trains weren’t even running due to the severe destruction caused by the earlier flooding)…and for me that also means I only have to walk 2 streets to my love, and my room....long streets, but no more then about a 10 min walk.....I even laid out and/or packed most of the stuff I need for one night in F. already.....

I all of a sudden remembered how my ex responded to me when I visited him a couple of weeks after we broke up (not at all in bad spirits or anything, no drama, both relieved)....he acted as if we hardly knew each other, and was not happy to see me.... and I lived 5 years under the same roof with him..... he hadn't expected to ever see me again....Men can be such idiots....

yes....less than a week away.....I am all set now, travel's arranged, room's arranged, and my landlady went to the money machine and took out all the money I had for me, 180 Euros....I have not told her or anyone that I am going someplace…bag's almost packed as well....now I am grooming a bit this week, also making one card for him, and one for the sweet lady from the local office, I am giving her a little crystal angel one can hang on a necklace, I had it laying around waiting to give to someone.....

The weather will be much better by then as well, sunny starting Monday (which will give me a chance to get some colour on my skin again)...we had a lot of rain (snow up), and still do, some areas get 200 l. per m2 today.....there have been floodings and landslides.....it's like god opened the gates of heaven and sent the great big flood....There was a very strange and eerie atmosphere hanging here, days of grey and non-stop pouring, sirens going off in the middle of the night, the constant sound of streaming and falling water, I could even hear the river down the street roaring, all wild…Peaceful mountain streams turn into roaring monsters that wipe the whole world clean, devour and re-arrange everything overnight… I asked for nice weather for my journey to F.....and support all the way....

yeah life is set up quite strict here, especially in Tyrol and Bavaria, those are known for their conservatism......Bavaria was tested the least progressive and open-minded Bundesland in Germany....

I think....breaking out can only come about when one simply tries something.....like I did when coming to Austria....I didn't know anything, but just went ahead anyway, on a hunch.... and figured I’d see what happened....I was willing to either die or succeed, both were fine in my book, I just could not continue the life I had, no matter what.....same way I feel now....I just can't go on like this anymore....whatever the outcome may be....

I have no expectations.....but of course....my heart has hopes....and I can't shut that up, no matter what I do.....I have been battling and longing for so very long, a lifetime...there's been gazillions of things going through my mind, different scenarios.... but I silence the noise, and say to myself: I trust love, and I walk with god....and then there's peace....until the next wave of thoughts come in.....but I seem to be settling into it now more and more.....

....all or nothing at all, Geronimo!! Nothing dared, nothing gained....

It all feels.....kinda natural even to be doing this.....it is just that I never thought I would.....I never thought I would be the one going to him......I used to think that was a big no-no, haha..... I guess that too has changed now....no more preconceived ideas about how it is all to come about....maybe I felt this one coming even....these last weeks of feeling him come/ sinking ever deeper into me, and then all the restlessness....So yeah....I guess, when one want to break the mould....one just has to try something.....anything....

I think I too have gotten tired of trying and nothing ever gelling.....but one last try can't hurt.... and if the time's here, whatever we undertake will be supported....maybe I was supposed to go first....again..... We'll see....if something great happens, I will write it on my website.....so others can benefit from it as well.....this just has to be the time....

I don't even feel anything out of the ordinary is going to happen....even though I have not ever been to F. (don't much like cities), and have not laid eyes on my Michael for 6 years... isn't this just insane? I could have never imagined doing this only a month ago....

I guess something inside me just changed very quickly...I felt it building up....felt it coming.... all the restlessness, feeling like a caged in animal...It sure does feel like that water washed away much old stuff....there was a strange feeling I had when it just kept on pouring and pouring incessantly......very very dark grey light....I could hear the river howling, in the night when the sirens went off....odd atmosphere it was.... didn't keep me from sleeping like a log though
J

Well...if anything happens with him and me....then life will change in an instant....and after that...well....things will keep flowing I am sure....never be the same again, and this chapter of my life will be closed for good.....done....

I again have been sleeping like a dead person, so exhausted I am, just couldn't get myself outta bed.....feel slight dizziness and overall strange...and distant.....my breeze is very present and very cold right now...moving someplace or other.....feeling faint, weak....my body maybe being prepped for something.....breathing wide open and stuff....

The cards are finished...they look really good even...I will send you a pic soon....have to make one first :D…Today I feel quite restless....as far as I am concerned it had better be Friday already, just wanna get it over with.....butterfly stomach...

We're having a sunny day, and warm...finally, after the great grey flood....gonna sit on my balcony and get me a bit of a tan :D....

The people that handle my benefits wanted me to go to a 'sprechtag' on monday....it would cost me 6 euros in bus fees, which I don't have as it's all going to my F.-trip, and I ain't taking money outta my fund for that....so I wrote them a letter saying I can't make it, no money for the bus..... I am done jumping through old energy hoops anyways....if it means no money, than no money it is...I just don't care..... (no more old energy docs for me…and so they just sent me the form, that otherwise would have been filled out there by the doc., for me to fill in and send back, and that was it…..different and simple approach, same and much simpler effect…staying true to myself and what I will/will not put up with)…

I am kinda nervous , yeah....on the other hand I feel quite certain and calm as well...it's a weird mix.....but the excitement grows.....and I can't help imaging certain scenarios.....like him being overjoyed to see me and stuff....can't help myself.......

I feel I just MUST do this...it is not a matter of wanting or not wanting....it is bigger than me....it's almost as if it is all happening on auto-pilot, making all the arrangements and stuff....... same as when I moved to Austria....it simply took over.....

...My mind can think out all sort of possibilities I immediately try not to think about and push away, whether pleasant or unpleasant... but there's this neutral place inside me, at my core, that is simply calm, steady and sure.....that simply makes me go there....whether some part of me fears it or not....and I am not even sure I fear anything really.....it is simply very weird, after all these years, to just go there.....odd....

I never even saw or visited his space.....where he lives...also the energy of it and all....

...and I don't much like cities, although F. isn't that big....(I had this thought/image where I was walking around lonesome and lost in this strange city.....but same time I don't feel this  scenario will happen....it is so strange, every now and then I keep on jumping around with my thoughts, from one scenario to the next, and then this big thing inside me doesn't care, nor fears, nor worries....as if looking at my own mind from a distance, detached.....)

It is simply me jumping in blindfolded again...on nothing but trust...and love in my heart.... That is also how and why I wrote/ texted him regularly during all these long and hard years, telling him all about what was happening to me since he left….I left nothing out….I just had to do this…share it all with him…I never intended for him to ever answer me anything, and he never did…I had no hidden agenda of manipulation….I just needed to tell the story…so that he’d know…I needed that…

yeah...they always want more papers...I don't care...I no longer play by their rules...

I have truly gone deep down, into the deepest depths of my being, the deepest, darkest, lowest abyss…for years and years….and then worked my way back up from there, all the way up to the farthest other side….ascending…above and beyond all….to neutral love…which is neither light nor dark…it is the peaceful harmonious space in between…

god will make it all work out perfectly I am sure....for the both of us....

yes....just one more day.....que sera, sera :D

Isn't it just beyond perfect though that, through my old job at the tourist office,  I know the connection to Munich airport so well....and F. being right next to it....? I try not to think too much about anything.....but how does one do that?  After longing for years...a lifetime....

Every now and then it dawns on me what I am about to do....and I think: I must be insane to be doing this....

I keep taking stuff outta my bag, and put other stuff in...don't wanna take too much stuff with me, as i must carry it all, wanna travel very light....but then I think: what if the weather gets cold, and yadayadayada.....

I am calm....yet also....restless....slept like a baby though....hope to do so again tonight...

I looked in the mirror today at all the wrinkles, and how I am not anything like I was back when.....and all I can think is: I am not this body, I am so much bigger than this......and since I cannot change the appearances, I have peace with it all....this is what I am ...for now anyway.... let's see he if he is strong enough to see through the illusion, and look with his heart....feel the love......

Everything feels totally surreal....

Last night I caught myself thinking:  so when one finally has the man in ones' life, then what does one do with him?  how does one have a relationship?....it is as if I have become a total blank, complete white out.......I honestly have no clue how to have a life, on planet earth, with a man (or kids).....I see nothing, I feel no connection to anything....like floating in space.....

I feel so odd.....

I think life is about to be turned upside down and inside out...topsy turvy... yes....I feel it has all gotten wiped clean....so now...I can go there with a clean slate....without any pre-conceptions about anything..... without any expectation of how it is to be....


What I cannot do anymore though, is be with someone that does not open up, does not share, that has under cooled responses instead of showing his true face and feelings....I cannot do the guy that keeps quiet about everything......that cannot show how he feels and be all wild and crazy and madly openly in love and stuff....that is ashamed of himself....I need it to flow.....no holding back of any kind....

But it will be a natural thing, I am sure....or it wouldn't feel right....like it does, in a strange kinda way....

All these years the idea of going to him felt wrong...now all of a sudden it feels right.....no more blocks....all free and clear....

I don't recognise myself either in the mirror...at all....and I too think the reunion with our love brings in the physical change for us....

all I can think is: well, this is simply how it is.....love me, or leave me....

...he can see me as I am.....naked......without any layers of ego-garbage-programming between us from my side....as I am....no hiding....no resisting.....no fear....no running....no attempting to make myself look any better/different than I am..... yes...it is much much bigger than us.....I am being directed like some robot.....like someone on truth-serum...you just can't help but do as your instructed to....even if my personality finds it totally insane....and struggles and toils with it a bit....I am like a fish on a hook....

I remember the energy being over the top intense with my love and I as well...and I am feeling the energy getting more and more intense now too, by the minute....sometimes hard to breathe or eat, can’t hardly get anything down my throat......tomorrow morning I will be eating some yoghurt, that practically slides down all by itself......I pray for peace and calm......don't wanna be like one of those crazy hyper Duracell-rabbits, hahaha...omg...

I was thinking about telling him when I was coming, so he could choose whether to be there or not....but I guess i just won't do anything...and leave it in gods' hands....I have let go completely.....I am just going....and letting god guide my steps...and see where it takes me.....in trust...I could even close my eyes and walk blind....

This is just.....insane.....it's the most bizarre thing I ever did....the whole ascension is nothing compared to this.....

I can't allow myself to think about a happy reunion....it is just too much when it turns out differently....and also if it does happen, it is just too much...I just don't wanna think anything.....

Strangely enough there is also a sense of peace about this....deep down in my core....

I am simply being drawn there like a magnet......no resistance possible......not about can or can't....it is simply must....have to...

omg...just got a text that the airport shuttle is picking me up at 6.45 h. !! I thought they'd pick me up at 8 o'clock or something.... fuck, that's so early! I’ll have to get up at 6!!!...guess I’ll have to go to bed early then huh....Man...gonna be a very long day tomorrow....with all the excitement...I am gonna be so dead in the evening...wonder where I’ll be in the evening......

I hope I will be relaxed, calm and present....I am going through so much right now....yet also....not....

There's no point in thinking about things I have no control over, nor wish to control either....it is all up in the air....only god knows where it will all land....all I can do is let go...and so I do....and do...and do...and again.....

Letting myself fall again...blind....

if I am being picked up that early...well...then it must be the perfect time for it..... you know... I can't help it....I hope tomorrow evening I will be laying warm and cosy in his bed, in his arms....in his space....instead of all alone in some impersonal pension bedroom...I think this idea is what keeps me going right now.....just a little fantasy.....yet also a possibility..... as everything is possible....

I didn't tell him when I was coming....but I did tell him of my jitters, my little petty fears.....

As always...it is me breaking through everything.....

Would be nice if for a change he was the one bringing all the effort......I am so tired after all these years....this is truly the last bit for me....I haven't got any more of this left in me.... I always told him everything....all those years....everything....I left nothing out....

I don’t feel it will turn out to be a drama.....but as you said, I guess I must go through all this now, so that when the time comes....well...I’ll be too tried to care basically...I will have let go....and either way will be fine....I will be out of the way....I hope :)

So...we'll see...I have to turn off the pc now...looks like a severe thunderstorm is heading our way....blah....

it passed...

I just took a long shower, washed my hair, shaved bits here and there, and took a facial mask... and now I smell all good, and am relaxed, and ready to go.....for now anyway....I am all set, just need to eat a sandwich, brush my teeth and sleep....and then....showtime....

you know...I just remembered how I quit my job on nothing but an inner urge, I took a leap of faith....and see where I am now.....so....I am just following the urge...is all I can do....I think about how he and I were together....I remember his energy, his heart...and that's what I am going on....I trust him and me....I trust me...and him, his heart...and us.....

…wish me luck...although we both know luck has nothing to do with it really :D

 

So, below is the story of the journey itself, as I wrote it to my dear friend:

“okay, here goes....:
So....I hardly slept a wink the night before the Great Journey.....only about 4 hours of shut eye....I had only just fallen asleep, and then the alarm went off already.....at 6 am I stumbled outta bed totally drowsy and disoriented....took me a while to get with it.....then I had a short moment, of maybe 10 minutes, where i went totally nervous, shaking and heart palpitations..... I spoke to myself, soothing, and said: "give me peace and calm, give me peace and calm...." ....and it came....I ate my yoghurt...and there was the airport shuttle at 6.45 am....I was calm as a whistle...

All the journey I was calm.....in the taxi and thereafter....at the airport before getting on the bus I was waiting at the bus station and got talking to a woman about my age or a bit older that was also waiting....she told me all about herself and her Tunisian husband, she had just gotten back from a trip to see his family in Tunisia.....it was a very nice conversation, nice open woman too....she told me how they met and everything....how it was meant to be.... beautiful story.....

So there I went on the bus.....as I was very much sucking up everything I saw, the whole landscape and everything. I was actually getting quite cheery, in good spirits.....I found it one big adventure.....finally go see where he lives, his city....I found myself pretty brave as well, me, the quiet peace loving country mountain girl, daring to go to the big city....for love :D

It is a pretty city.....looks pretty tidy and colourful for a city....yet still...it is a city....and loud, and smelly with car fumes.....and no one greets each other or sees each other in the eye...they all ignore each other best they can....unless you go up to them and ask something....like I did, I asked for directions...I had a map but wanted to make sure I was going in the right direction.... it was quite sunny and hot and I really didn't want to go the wrong way and then walk all the way back....

It was a longer walk than I had figured....but I also knew the map always makes things look smaller, so i was prepared......I took the scenic route, along the river Isar, so I didn't have to walk amidst all that traffic, there was a path there for people walking their dogs....it went right behind along his street....the river runs almost right behind his house, must be 100 metres away or something......all along his street is the river......parallel......

The path was green and I could hear birds and walked passed some sports/tennis field.....glad I could walk in the green....but I was hot and sweating....

When I arrived in his street, I also chatted with a guy with a nice dog, that even offered to drive me in his car to the address....but I decided I’d walk...i am sure he meant well....but I wanted to go the distance...walk....

Then, there it was....I was pretty tired, and everything hurt....I think I walked for half an hour or so, maybe a bit longer......I had made some false move when I got off the bus, so my bad knee kinda twisted in the wrong direction and hurt.....also my hips and joints were shot.... wasn't used to walking that much anymore.....

his street was okay....but it was a busy main road.....cars and busses passing all the time.... there were houses/buildings packed on both sides, mostly apartment buildings, not huge ones, but with like maybe 6 to 10 apartments in them, people living on top of each other..... small gardens, if any, and although enough green around, and I could hear birds in the trees, as indeed there are trees and some nature behind his house along the river, it made quite a 'full' impression on me....there was little no free space....no free clear open views... there were people everywhere, and houses/buildings.....

Then I arrived at his house.....I must say building......it was a sobering experience for me.....

It was an apartment building as well (I took pictures with my cell phone)....it looked like 2 attached houses, one a bit behind the other and more to the back....he lived in the former one.... on the ground floor lived a young (Russian or Slovakian) family, one could see from the kids' stuff in the petite grassy area.....music came out of a window on the ground floor....a car was parked in the drive way with the number 555 on it's license plate (all the journey I was being bombarded with numbers like that....777, 9999, 888 etc.)

So....that family lived downstairs......his parents lived on the first floor...and then there was another bell, without a name next to it, on the top floor....I guess that must be him.....the place looked a bit....well.....dunno....shabby....but...it's a city, things look different there....the 2nd house, that was more to the back also harboured about 3 'Russian' families, looking at the names....

I stood across the street at first; taking it all in.....then I went up to the door and rang the doorbell... I was calm and collect.....

I think part of me must have known......he wasn't there.... no one opened, I rang twice....it must have been about
10 o'clock or so, maybe 10.15 when I arrived there...

Then I walked around the house to the street around the corner, I wanted to look at it from all angles.....I sat myself down on the sidewalk for a bit, started writing him a note....and looked at that bit dirty narrow balcony that was obviously his parents place....(some older guy even came up to me and asked if i was doing a traffic count for the local authorities haha)...there were cars with text on them saying "we say no to the 3rd airport runway!"

I took it all in.....then I got up, after about 15 minutes, and walked to the front door again, around the corner.....I sat myself down on the step in front of the front door.....and finished writing the note.....the funny thing is, I wasn’t even disappointed or anything.....I hadn't had any expectations so.....there was no disappointment....

Then the young woman from the ground floor apartment came outside and got something from the car, as she came back I asked her if she knew Mich, she said no, then I said 'H.' and she said 'ah, yes, but I think they went on holiday, I haven't seen them in about a week...'

I guess they just don't do first names bases over there.....

So I was like, okay....holiday....figures....not going to get to see him.....fine....so I asked the young woman if she could maybe give the little bag I carried to those H’s when they came back, there were some items in there I had been keeping for him for ages, and my self-made card of course.....I put my note in there as well, don't even remember what I wrote, and gave her the little bag, she said she'd hang I on their door......fine...

So then I walked to my guesthouse, it wasn't that far, another 10 minutes, only one street away......things started sinking in....

I checked in, got to my room, took a shower, as I had been sweating like crazy, and put on my pyjamas....I was beat.....turned on the TV, it was about 13.00 h.  by then.....thoughts tumbling through my mind….Felt quite alone and empty, and a strange mood came over me...but I was too tired, so took a nap first, couldn't  keep my eyes open....woke up at 16.00 h..... Bad mattress, with a hole in the middle, I kept rolling into...but when you're that tired, it really doesn't matter.....

When I woke up I lay there with thoughts running through my mind....I can't quite describe the mood I was in...and it also felt as if someone else was thinking all these things....there was a part of me that was a bit emotional, yet also a part that was stone cold....

I kept thinking about that street and that house....how he lived....and I just could not feel or see any connection between the building and him.....I never thought he would be living like that..... how can such a big lovely guy live in such a small space.....? I saw nothing of him in those surroundings.....I just couldn't find him in there....there were so many impressions flooding me.... I felt disconnected, distant....cold....

But it was very clear to me that that is where he comes from....it all of a sudden became totally clear to me, it dawned on me, where he came from......how he lives and was raised.... people there just expect to be in small spaces, living on top of each other, it's a city....people there don't expect more from life than an apartment with enough room to live, no garden, to work, eat, sleep, and then spend their free time in some biergarten or with friends, going out, and once or twice a year go on holiday.....no close connections with neighbours much....

It made such a narrow and limiting impression on me......

You know....he was such a 'gemütlich' guy.....I did not see anything gemütlich (you can look up the German word in google translate :D) there ....at all....

This mood I was in kept on saying in my head: "no way is he ever going to snap out of that, he was born and raised that way, in that mold, he will never be able to break out of that narrowness....... there is no necessity for him to do so either, there is no reason why he would break with those old and comfortable well known patterns he was raised in...he will marry a woman like his mum, and will be like his dad...and that will be his life....he has never even asked himself who he is, what he wants and needs.....this is simply what he got impregnated with, and that's it.....there is no breaking out of the mould there whatsoever....and I am totally unfitting....unsuitable for him...."

I am this free spirit, that draws in bright colours, from scratch, that's imaginative and open-minded and free thinking.....and he lives in an almost greyish building, with little space, and a life that is already all clear cut......I wish you good luck god with trying to make that one happen....

I just did not see it....I could not see how this will ever come about....this is the most unlikely reunion ever to happen.....

Many many thoughts like that raced through my mind....I was in such a weird state....not even emotional or depressed...and if tears filled my eyes, and I started feeling bad, I pushed it away, I just didn't want to go there, not there and then, I figured if i needed to crash I’d do so at home, in my own safe environment, it would have to wait.....

So....I got up, went into the biergarten (basically just a terrace, where one can drink something), and asked the waitress for some paper and an envelope.....I needed to write...writing keeps me sane.....brings clarity….helps me work though it….

I started writing him a letter...and I wrote and wrote for hours...dunno what I wrote anymore, but I just let it all flow and come out, i just couldn’t stop...maybe it was a sad letter, or maybe not, I am not sure...I just wrote it all off me, and away......I wrote 5,5 sides of A4, small handwriting I have, so lots of text....I sat there from 16.30  to 21 50 h.....and wrote.... everything I felt and thought, also about my surroundings right there, what was going on around me....I sat under a big old chestnut tree, in the shade, way in the back of the biergarten where I had some privacy...it wasn’t very busy there, mostly older guys that drank beer and smoked cigarettes and looked and me with watery eyes....

...People were all the time paying attention to me, where I was totally into my writing, the waitress asked me what and why I was writing, and kept asking me to show me how much I already wrote......I noticed the outside world, but i didn't much pay attention....there was busy traffic driving by, the church across the street rang it's bells every 15 minutes, there was talking around, sometimes a car with loud music driving by, faint children’s' voices playing in the street someplace.....as I wrote...people came in to eat, some young couple that spoke English, in love.....and I wrote it all down....

Then the sun went down, then it grew darker, and colder, the little lights were switched on.....and I 'finished' my letter and went to my room....I had also eaten some spaghetti with a salad and drank some big glasses cola and mineral water in between.....

In my room turned on the tv, watched a movie I had already seen before.....tired...

In a spur of the moment thing I remembered i actually had some of my newly made  'portrait-photo's' with me in my wallet, had to make those for some recent paperwork....so I took out 2, one in black and white and one in colour, and attached them to the letter......even did the corniest thing and sprayed some perfume on the letter  'Beyond Paradise' by Estee Lauder..... dunno why, just seemed like a good idea at the time....

Then I went to sleep....didn't sleep much, strange bed, strange room and surroundings.....got up at 8, got ready, had breakfast, checked out, walked to his address again and threw the letter in the mailbox that said 'H.r'....just wanted to get outta there ASAP....walked the long way back to the train station and bus stop....got on the bus, went to the airport, asked the shuttle service if it was possible to drive me back home earlier than planned, I arrived there at about 11, and they were able to take me home at 15.00 h....instead of the planned 20.00 h....so that was fine by me, I bought myself a sandwich and some water, sat myself down somewhere and read my book until it was time....

...The driver wanted me to come sit next to him, he thought it 'gemütlich' also some Bulgarian guy or something...it was fine with me, Didn't feel like talking much, but also didn't care much, he was okay, and in the front of the Van one has a lot of room so....I chatted some with him...was okay....

When my thoughts wandered off during the ride, and my eyes filled with tears (I guess a small part of me had hoped to see him or something), I pushed them away......i was very very tired....and felt down.....or not....dunno...just felt plain weird....cold...detached....hard...

I really could not, for the life of me, see any possibility for him and me to ever come together again....I just kept on thinking 'this ain't never gonna happen'...

I got home, felt almost floating, very dizzy and tired, so I took care of business, resisted the urge to just go lie down and sleep and forget...I put my things away, then took a long shower, and washed it all away.....

Coming home in my peaceful environment after all that business and noise was such a blessing.... I experienced a new sense of appreciation for my apartment and space...compared to him, I have such a lovely space, with nature and peace surrounding me.....

...I washed it all away in the shower, down the drain, the whole funny mood and teariness, the whole discord and disconnection.....I came out of that shower a new person....

Then a huge thunderstorm broke lose, not over here but just a few miles away, loud.....had I been on the taxi that left the airport at 20.00 h. I would have been caught right in the middle of all that violence...now I was home at about 17.00 h . already...

Watched a movie on my laptop....and then I got to think.....of course the inside of his apartment may be much less shabby and much more gemütlich an cosy then the outside, .....but, I dunno, I cannot imagine there being anything out of the ordinary in there, no artwork on the walls, except maybe some serially made reproduction....i could tell from the boring curtains they had, you know, the kind that hang half way the window to keep curious looks out, that it was all just standard and quite boring....to me anyway....it is not judgement, just neutral observation.....

So...last night I decided I will draw him something really colourful and unique to hang up on his wall....not just something to remember me by, but also, maybe, bring something out of the ordinary into that space.....a gift from me to him, form my heart to his (hopefully), I will send it to him by postal mail....instead of texting him anymore, this is what I will do...

I realised how going there was absolutely the right thing to do....I see why I had to go there and see all that....the river Isar is one big energy stream, and energy line he lives on/by....I worked through a lot while I made this journey, most of it I don't even quite understand.... yesterday while travelling back home I felt totally beat and dead, lost.....after getting home an showering I immediately found my bearings back....something in that journey and city brought it all about.....some blockage was cleared....dunno if it was his or mine really.....

The road to Munich/F. is on one big ley-line, did you know that? It even runs all the way to
Holland
, to where I used to live....in one big line.....

And anyway....I left something of myself there....the bag of goodies I brought him, the self-made card, the letter and the pictures of me…and my energy…of love… (funny, as I looked at those pics yesterday I found them pretty bad, some old fat woman staring back at me....when I look at them now I see a rather sweet face actually).....I think, when true love still resides inside him somewhere as it did back then, he will look at that picture and see the most beautiful loving face ever...)...I left something very real, physical and tangible behind.....I am no longer a mirage to him now....I came into his space, and revealed myself, showed myself....

....I brought my own energy into his space....I see how we were not supposed to meet.....I see how I needed to see all of that....maybe I removed a energetic blockage in the place where he lives? maybe I opened it up?...I mean, I even sat my ass down on the pavement for 15 minutes or more....for god's sake...

anyway...it is funny the effect it had....I enjoy my space again here now....and I am also feeling inspired to draw again....and make it work and enjoy it to the best of my ability.... before I had been all dead in the water....didn’t feel like anything anymore, felt locked in....now I see I can at least attempt to enjoy myself, make it work, even if he is not here....now I also know more about him, he is closer to me now that I saw where and how he lives, I never knew before, had no clue.....it was invisible....unknown....all I knew was him, in my space and memory, not anything else of his I ever saw....."


This is what I wrote later (after things sunk in and had become all clear),  in reply to someone I recently got into contact with online, over some Kefir grains I seeked and he gave away….We started writing on a  regular basis, and what do you know….(much later) I found out he is in fact ascending, yet was unaware of it….the things he said and experienced made it very clear though, so I could help him make sense of it all….god brings matching people together in most funny and unexpected ways….

"Hey, in case you didn't notice yet...I am very talkative :)

It was not the kind of experience on has to learn from....from which one gains insight...

I was driven to go there, the same way I was driven 6 years ago to just quit my job here, without having any clue how I would survive...it was a leap of faith....I felt the urge to do so, and I just did, without trying to rationalise it away....

this way I simply faced the fears ever
y human has, about his existence, survival...I had to face it to learn it was okay no matter what...the divine has always taken care of me....one only learns such a thing when one is willing to undergo it all.....to trust...

Like manna from heaven I am always provided for...this goes for every human being, yet they do not know it...and with their fearful thoughts they are blocking the flow of all good things from coming to them....they always want to be in control, or else they fear....I let go of all controls 6 years ago...even earlier than that but in a different way.....I quit my job to see what would happen....I let myself fall backwards without looking if there was anyone catching me.....I clearly saw that image in my head when I quit my job....and I saw hands catching me...

This journey to his home was another occasion where I just simply had to follow the urge/ voice... I think some part of me knew he would not be there, as I was totally calm and collected...he was on holiday :)

Anyway....part of my 'purpose' for the earth is that I transmute energies....for the collective....I take energies into my body, I basically suck them up out of the earth (and humans), like a vacuum cleaner, as all energies of all humans that ever lived are stored inside the earths' energy/ley lines....energy stores in human cells...

That is why there is dis-ease on this earth and in humans....because the human thought patterns are basically out of balance, they go against the divine flow of love, trust and abundance....humans always fear lack, pain etc...They also reject themselves, think they are not good and pretty enough etc...harmonious thoughts like love and trust and joy (also very much towards Self) are healing and balanced....human thoughts create....free will lets them create whatever it is they want, if they are fearful, the
y will experience of all their fears, or they experience of love and abundance, when one supports oneself with thoughts of that nature........

It may sound weird to you....but I am a very highly sensitive...which is why I suffered so much on this planet....the heaviness in energy was unbearable for me...as I took it all inside my body, yet was not aware of it....I stored all these energies, all these 'codes' of human discord...to later bring them up again and transmute them into love....which I then brought into the earth..... as I cleansed my mind and body, i also cleansed the earth in the process, and many others alongside me....it was a very difficult and horribly painful process....my service to humanity....

It is all on my website...

My awakening started when my Love left me, 6 years ago...that experience totally broke me wide open, and got all the wisdom out....I was one big open wound from which everything started to bleed out....I remembered…

The separation of him and me represents the separation inside the human heart, where male and female energies got separated long time ago....where humans began to think they (the physical/masculine) were separated from god (the spiritual/ unseen/feminine)...from there on they sought god/the divine outside of themselves...started worshipping 'idols' ...material objects, rituals and such...

I could not have awoken without him....he broke me open....the love and intensity of us....to have him leave me was the most horrible pain....I am 15 years older than him....which he found a problem....but that was only the superficial reason, the illusion... the truth lay much deeper....I had to start my 'job'....

Anyway....the reason I was called to go to his city, his house (and I am definitely not a city girl, too loud and smelly and hectic for me...), where I had never been before, was because I had to remove an energetic block there....of course I did not know that when I set off on my trip....I never know why i am sent/urged someplace...I just go with it...like with our Kefir :)

So...as I arrived at his house...I started feeling very....blocked...limited....normally I am one that feels like everything is possible, and am a free spirit....over there with all that noise around me and sitting on his doorstep I felt the limitation of that area....it was closed off, the energy was...well....a very rigid pattern....the pre-set mould in which people live there....they do not look each other in the eye, ignore one another and do not greet each other....(where I live we all look each other in the eye and greet, even if we do not know each other, it is custom to acknowledge the others' presence....)

It was a very old conservative (religious) area and energy.....but then Bavaria is the most conservative region in Germany....as is Tyrol where I live....(not for nothing was I sent here, among other reasons...as usual things are multi-dimensional)...

So...I started feeling rather sad....locked in, no possibilities....I totally understood where he came from now, and why he was so limited in his views back then....his ideas about older women with younger men....he was brought up in a closed off energy....

All these years before I did not know his address, where he lived...not even his correct last name as it was spelled wrong.....I was not supposed to know, i was meant to keep away....

Recently that door swung open, and I got his (correct last) name and address....green light....

That block and unpleasantness kept hanging inside of me for the remainder of my stay there in his city, I spent one night there....it felt hard, tough, rigid, unmovable....all of a sudden, although I know he and I will be together someday, to bring the physical reality of male and female back into balance again as well, (as within so without), I could no longer see any of that happening, i could not see any connection between the place where he lived and him, nor how he was connected to me, all I thought was: this is never going to happen, the most unlikely reunion ever to take place (and I never doubted it ever before).....

...The road home was a bit difficult as I was very tired...but since I am now a veteran, I know how not to let myself get dragged into these energies, as they are not mine.....so I pushed them away and steered my thoughts in more pleasant directions.....

After I got home I took a shower, and washed it all down the drain...and felt all cleansed and peaceful...

So...I obviously went there to remove a blockage from the area, for him, to help him set himself free...and in doing that I also removed some block within, as now I am actively drawing again and stuff, and I had been blocked and inactive for months....

I never know beforehand why and what....but I always know after the event :D

So...that's the story...in  nutshell...

I am now drawing him something pretty, to hang on his wall...something out of the ordinary pattern....gonna send it to him by mail...bring some colour and possibilities into his life :D"


And this is the aftermath as I reported it to my dear friend:

Man...I never knew there were so many various degrees of TIRED... I go to bed exhausted, and wake up exhausted, spend my day exhausted, and go to bed again...still exhausted.... From tired, to weary, to worn out, to knackered, to exhausted, to total loss....etc....

This morning I really had to kick myself to get up...so tired I could have slept for ages still....

The drawing I am making for my love drives me for the moment....keeps me busy a good few hours a day....maybe 6 to 8 h....making me totally empty and exhausted again...

I hardly notice the day or place I am in.....and I hardly hear any sound either....sounds sound far away, like an echo...like when right before falling asleep, when you're dozing of...that's what sound is like for me right now, all the time....far away...like coming through a tube.... been like that for some days now... I concur...everything feels plain weird.... I feel so strange.... like....dunno...I am different somehow...and everything feels changed, yet still looks the same....like schizophrenic....

I am a total blank...

I could sure use a month or so of running around butt naked on some divine Greek island someplace…or something like that….. eat lots of Mediterranean food (fish and salads and stuff) and heaps of sunbathing, just laying around, and salt water swimming… wind, warmth, waves on my skin…with my love, also lots of sex…love-making…get massages…. ah…how divine that would be…lovely…

I guess certain things keep us bound/occupied until it is time.....just like my government benefits....it's been 6 months since my application.....must be about time for it to come through now, after the solstice....then things will shift…it is called 'eine Wende' for a reason you know.....”Die Sachen/das Leben werd(en) ein Wende nehmen”..... nach der Sonne-wende….. at least... that's how I feel it may be....It is the usual ‘normal’...we are being given the run-around, like me with the benefits, we're (kept) in a (repetitive) loop...nothing's suppose to work/flow yet...we're on re-runs :D

6 yrs. ago he felt almost kind of intimidated by me speaking 4 languages and reading books and all that.....he felt kinda less than me....he said : "you must think you have some kind of idiot sitting on your couch huh?".....'ein Depp' is what he called himself....

I always thought much higher of him than he did himself....

And now...I also think higher of me....things are different now...

I guess I (we) simply had to lose all concepts and ideas of/about each other in order to be able to come together all new, clean, clear and free...I no longer know who he is, I have no concept of him anymore...(both) our slates had to be wiped totally clean, through the time of separation, and the process I underwent....I can no longer 'feel' or 'see' him, we are different now, and not yet connected in the new 'time and capacity'...he is gone to me...the one I knew, or thought I knew...

Sometimes I think his world and mine are light-years away from each other, almost impossible to bridge..... But then, yesterday I thought, maybe he changed some as well... maybe he is closer to my world than I am aware of.....

And...I guess God just wanted our worlds to be as far apart as possible, energetically, as thus our/the reunion (of heaven and earth) will be all the more powerful, when 2 such ‘opposing’ energies harmonize/ heal/ melt together….I guess this too is expressed by/in my drawing. That is what the ascension was/is all about after all… 

Haha.. .spelling sucks in higher dimensions, there is no order of first and last there, it is all there simultaneously :D

Can you believe it, 37 degrees Celsius (drawing in a heat wave is a whole other experience altogether, materials behave differently), and the farmer just sprayed his cow-shit outside on the meadow.....there isn’t even going to be any rain until tomorrow evening, it will be another boiling hot day, and everyone has to sit in his shit ‘n flies...Not me though...I had a great day, finished the drawing....put on the ventilator, I have big standing one, turned on my gypsy Spanish fiesta music, very befitting of such hot weather.....and I had a ball! Like being on holiday...almost :)...not easy though, trying to draw and shake your ass in dance at the same time :)…But then, I do not strive for perfection, I just let it all happen as it does, not attempting to control the creative  process….there are no ‘mistakes’, just happy accidents…the ‘flaws’ are what make it all so interesting… therein lies the beauty and perfection…

It felt good when I drew in the last line....I turned the music loud and danced and sang, to celebrate... 'demansiado corazon' by Mink de Ville, ah love it! :D

There's golden and silver accents in the drawing, but the picture I took hardly shows those....

When I look at it now I see how much symbolism there is in there....the lower red upside-down heart can also be seen as the sex-region in the human body...it is about becoming and being one....very sexual....a tree for life, and earth, and grounding, and growth...a butterfly for transformation....a flower for enlightenment and multi-dimensionalit
y (=unfolding petals).... hearts speak for themselves...one heart they share....rainbow for peace and harmony...etc etc....it is all about love basically....:D

...It is always afterwards hat I see what I drew, haha isn't that hilarious? while I am drawing I just think, oh, that would be nice to put t
his butterfly here, a tree there, and that line wants to go there (I often feel the lines are already there and I just bring them out, or something like that....) ...and then later I see how much 'hidden' ‘meaning’ there is in there....the more/longer one looks at it, the more one discovers…and it can mean whatever we make of it….see in it…

I called it 'pure joy' :D

Quite interesting how many people are touched by it and wrote me after I posted this drawing on my website 'Twins 2', even my mom told me she felt herself go all warm inside when she saw it :D ….I guess what comes from the heart also goes to the heart… in one straight shot/line :)… People wrote me such beautiful, appreciative and grateful words….made me go all teary…:)

Yeah...pity huh, I won't be able to see his face when he opens it....Boy, would I love to be a fly on his wall when he does… but thanks, I am glad you enjoy it...that is, after all, why I made it....for him too to enjoy...to have something out of the ordinary in his life/home....more colour... so yeah, I do hope he frames and hangs it up....

I guess it is my reached state of original pure innocence that brought me to send my love my drawing.... the open innocence of a child...from heart to heart....I guess that's why the people today angered me somewhat...those government officials that hide behind their paperwork and forms....and my landlady that asks me a question she is not interested in hearing the answer to... it is all fake......they all hide behind their plans and rules.... and it angers me at times... as I need to connect to people with purity....and honesty... with open innocence.....I crave it....yet with all their garbage in between....I cannot land... nowhere....

I am just going to trust him on this, that he will treat it well...I wrote an accompanying letter, asking him to just send it back to me if he can't look at it with a free and clear heart, and in case he wants nothing to do with me (still).....but that it is a gift....my gift of free flowing love, to him....

But that is why I make pictures of all my drawings....I don't hang on to them, I can let them go...but I like a memory of them though....in form of a picture.....but a week ago I had the same sentiments as you did, not knowing how it would be appreciated, if at all... But as one works through a drawing, one also works through a lot of other things...not only by solving the issues that come up with solving practical 'problems' in/with the drawing itself…It is quite a ‘therapeutic’ process sometimes… (one encounters a lot of problems while drawing, but they always kinda solve themselves, like happy perfect accidents…And there is always one short moment were one thinks: this is horrible and going absolutely nowhere, hideous :D)...but also inside...as I was finishing it, I was also detaching from it....what is done, is done....one
has worked through it….and closes it off…

...And...some day...he will return to me, and we will hang it on our bedroom wall :D

Let's just be all teary, watery and fuzzy then today aye :)...it is after all:  solstice day :D

Tomorrow, after sundown, they will light up the fires here again, one on every mountain peak, a string or orange flames/pearls surrounding us.....I always love that ritual...it has something quite pure, mystical, and hedonistically (Celtic) magical about it....primitive, yet pure.... I feel all peaceful and fuzzy...bit of coughing every now and then, tickle in my throat....but all pleasant stuff....fairy dust coming in :D

This song keeps playing in my head : ‘Return to Me’ by Dean Martin….

Love

Ilse


P.S: My good friend read these comments on some blog someplace and sent them to me:

DAvM says: Just figured out the whole ‘shifting dates of our liberation’ thing. And why indeed the autumnal equinox is where we can safely focus on. That’s when the rebirth is complete. Being (re)born takes 9 months. In our case that period started at 21/12. And just like the biological process of creating new human life, you can discern three distinct stages. The first three months are largely subtle and energetic. A lot happening which isn’t or just barely visible. That fits with the complete lack of forward movement we’ve experienced in that period. The next three months, which we’ve just completed, is when the new-to-be-born develops the most, gets its new form. This is the Adam Kadmon stage L. talked about. In our case we had to shed everything which didn’t harmonize with the new form, the dying in the flesh. Utterly painful three months for the most of us. After this stage, we’re pretty much finished in terms of functional development and form. The final three monthts we’ve entered now are about growth. Much, much easier. Fitting that Jupiter – Hi L.! – will enter Cancer, the sign of the mother, next week. It’s all about us receiving nurishment for growth. About expansion, exactly what Jupiter will deliver. And then… it’s rebirth time at the equinox. Something to look forward to!

L says: oooooo…LOVE this, makes SO much sense! Aligns perfectly with what my body elemental told me in the last blog article: From what I am understanding, we will be expanding into our christed-self until at least the September equinox. But before you go bat-shit ballistic, here’s what I am told:“The physical changes are going to creep up on you. Currently, change may be imperceptible however, shortly you will begin to notice some changes as if by accident. Things will be subtle at first, but will grow with each passing day. You will begin to feel physically aligned, strengthened at your core, which will be followed by incremental ”spiritual growth spurts”, as we would call them. Each growth spurt will bring with it a new set of gifts to open, as it were.” Apparently, the first wave of “ascendants” will be parting ways with their body-elementals at the completion of our adam kadom integration, which I am told is sometime in the fall (in the north), but…BUT…this expansion period over the summer is supposedly not the hell we are accustomed to. I am hearing that this is a “growing-into period”, a full release from the old, but an ongoing assimilation to the new. Translation: it might. not. suck.thank you for your insight D!
♡♡♡

 

I don't resonate at all with any of that.....I guess I am too far beyond wanting to cut everything up in pieces with labels, names, definitions and time-frames..... I am multi- and inter-dimensional.... I am way beyond definitions......everything is all at the same time, simultaneously...pure energy/ love does not fit any mould.... she is free....she flows into and around everything, all at the same time..... She needs no numbers or names….as she has none… Only when one desires to catch her, separate her (from herself), to lock her up and make her rigid, and dense/firm, does one name her…

And I know for myself, for a fact, that I am not in the 'stage' they are in..... I have left all that behind long time ago.... all that ‘head’ can really get in the way of the ‘heart’… that is why they are (still) where they are....and I am where I am.....

We all create our own limits..... they create limits by wanting to fit it all within certain development-stages.... that is why I could move so much quicker.... I understood very early on to not stay stuck in those kinds of groups and moulds (very luckily and befittingly they also kept throwing me out, bullied, mobbed and banned me everywhere, hahaha, divine perfection! I never fit anywhere…too narrow there, it was not my place…much was learned by being in those kinds of unloving situations, it brought me ever closer to loving myself...so I bless and love them all :D....I had to go ahead, and be free).... they may seem very wise and informative, and they do serve a purpose, for some, for a while.... but in the 'end', they only hold you back from where you need to go.... from total freedom...from becoming and being pure love....one with ALL.....formless and free..... beyond all definition…

I am now fluid...

Like water…seeking/going the path of least resistance…I flow with….

I basically.......find it all bullshit....'adam kadmom' , 'jupiter-influences' , 'body elementals... etc....these all just keeps one bound in illusion….and limitation…They are all just simply YOU!...Stuff like that feels very…ancient…like stone-age…. primitive…(But then, so is the whole ascension scheme basically…dunno who came up with that one :D) 

....’twas not the pure source god/love that invented such names, ‘twas beings that did so....defined creatures of from, attempting to explain and define....that which really needs no defining and explaining at all....which is in fact, much much more and totally….simple…

Nothing ‘wrong’ with that, if one needs it……no judgement there, no disrespect...All imperfect divine order of course, we are all right where we’re supposed to be, always but also….not necessary….As there lays a whole other (new) 'world', with infinite new possibilites behind/beyond it… 

It makes me laugh right now, quite unstoppable...it is quite hilarious when you think of it, hahahahaha!....they make everything into something so important....they blow it all up with names, titles, and rituals and times, stages and meanings, complicate things....as if it is actually meaning-ful.... important.....definable...hahaha, humans!....:D

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BTW: Last night, the night of 30t of June to 1st of July,  I was surfing the net, I just can’t focus on watching TV anymore, it can't grab me and hold my attention (neither can the internet actually, but I feel rather restless… again.. unfortunately).....I am like a child with ‘attention deficit disorder’ :)....Anyway...I read this text by Kryon (on pointsofpower.com.au) I stumbled across.... well, I didn’t quite read it, I just glanced and certain paragraphs popped in my vision, I can’t read long explanatory texts anymore, they bore me.....(although I know very well there is nothing more to gain from any of those sites, as I far surpassed them, there is nothing there for me no more,  it was just boredom I guess, seeing/curious what everyone else was up to)…. and I just got so......tired....and sad when I read all that..... about how souls keep returning to earth, revolving door kinda,  and about it being about reading/testing the energy of earth and changing the energy of the 'great central sun' , and yada yada yada.....I cried....it just seemed.....god...I dunno...it all felt so limited....complex….locked up...primitive..

God/love is none of those things….nor does love need all that…Love is simple and pure.

Nothing anybody says resonates with me anymore....it all feels 'wrong' and tiring...I get soooo tired.....it is as if my body/eyes won't read it anymore...I start crying and get instant exhausted, and can't read on...it is not for me....

And so this morning, I got up...and I knew that none of it is true for me...I toiled with the whole ting for a very looong time… couldn’t quite put my finger on it before…I came here to participate in the changing of energy/theme on planet earth, that part I travel 'alongside' everyone else, as it is convenient to my ‘purpose’ .....but all the other stuff is just not true for me...nor for my Michael...and those channelled beings, however sincere they are, and however much they seem to know.....I come from a place 'far' beyond them....it is not me that is in a illusion...it is them....they indeed can see stuff I can't, as they are in the multi-space..... .but I can see what they can't.....with pure clear vision....things they are incapable of seeing anymore as their vision was turned solely into certain directions....I needed to be in the flesh and on the earth to experience it, and gain this view…Perspective.

They got lost in their own ideas, definitions, schemes and plans as well...

And one reason I am here on the earth is for original innocence.....to restore it...and that original innocence and purity has nothing to do with earth being used for an such agendas....I am here to go beyond....anything anyone holds true...or they (and humans as well) will merely move from one lock-up right into another…

‘They’ (= the other aspects of me) simply started believing it was all true, and important, and necessary... just like the ones living in illusion on the earth.....those off-planet beings/energies are just as lost in a way as the earthlings, they have just as well become 'steering and defining energies' ....and they don't even know it....they are just as locked up in their ideas and 'knowledge'....

It may seem pretentious of me to say these things, and I am not saying I am 'more' or 'better'... but it is the reason I was never accepted by others, nor in any of those ascension groups etc..... because they merely fall from one illusion into another...the illusion of their home-world… And that may be just right for them, as in divine perfection...but it is not for me.....and I needed to stay/keep clear of all that....because where they all end, I begin....

….And that is why they do not want me around…I scare them…they feel threatened around me…I upset their known world…they feel it deep inside….

I guess there are simply 'levels of love' ....if one can call them that (since humans connect to labels)...levels of awareness, on and beyond this world...and although the channelled entities think they have all the answers, this is simply not the case (neither do I, we all merely get the information that serves us) ..they simply reflect/represent yet another belief-system/layer.... another aspect or aspects of god....it has nothing to do with me and who I am and where I come from...I come from pure source/love...beyond all definitions...beyond any and all defined worlds and entities...I come from the core itself....we all do of course...but (defined) beings are derivatives so to speak...and I am not...

I am the original innocence...that word 'innocence' triggered something in me...

I am on my own unique 'mission' here......to go beyond all of them and their definitions....to go to true love, innocence and freedom....and it took me ages to finally put all the pieces of that jigsaw together.....all I knew is it all felt 'off'....

I suppose this is also why I put myself through the reading of sites like that from time to time….I callenge myself, to make those kinds of realisations (anew)…so I can keep myself on track.

My purity in energy far exceeds theirs....they forgot....how they view/see/experience earth is not pure/true....it is what they were supposed to see, and are used to seeing, but there simply is more...much more...and much simpler....they simply carry their own blocks/blinders in themselves...no matter how high they may vibrate...

Remember the story of Adam and eve in the Garden of Eden?  They ate from the ‘Tree of Knowledge’ and were cast out of Paradise. That nasty snake (of their own ego/personality/being) seduced them to eating the fruit… And yes, how sweet and seductive it was (‘knowledge’ and science’ are drugs to many, in this world one lives under the impression ‘knowledge’ (and ‘education’) is wisdom, and knowing and determining/defining/ruling is everything)…

Thinking one knows, and can rule over, can be a sweet seductive fruit indeed…But the moment Adam and Eve ate that fruit, they lost their original innocence…From there on they got cluttered with definition, analyses, head-stuff and determinations, they started placing judgment on everything (=their own nakedness, as they started covering themselves in shame), naming and labelling it, saying : “this is such and such, and it works so and so, and this one can and such one cannot do”…they lost their pure and clear view….losing their enjoyment and love of/for simple creation…and sunk ever deeper into that energy (of mechanical/technical,  limited thinking…no magical thinking)…War and conflict came upon them, as each thought their ‘knowledge’ was the only truth, everyone wanted to rule/govern. Paradise/peace was lost…

Knowledge, education, and science are merely the assumption of wisdom/knowing (including the (re)search for/of it)…Knowledge is the mere idea/concept of knowing/discovering something…and as we all should ‘know’ by now:

what we assume becomes a (our) reality

My love and I enjoyed something more beautiful than paradise itself, in our original innocence, we savoured and enjoyed it, and we let ourselves fall into each other without hesitation or holding back… Like children we played and laughed and enjoyed, we just let ourselves flow with it….The moment we were each (left back) in our own old space, apart from each other, we started doubting, placing judgment, on our own feelings/heart/love. In accordance with old world/energy ways. We lost our innocence, we spoiled it, broke it, broke the heart/love, and were cast out of paradise (which I have been working at/ attempting to reclaim/restore ever since…)

Paradise is where ‘things’ (or life) don’t have to be (or become) anything, at all…where no-thing is, and everything remains possible, always….Where there is no assumption of anything…where there is no assumption of ‘knowledge’…

Paradise is the absence of all definition…where energy is un-captured and free…untainted by definition...that is the essence/core…therein lies true joy...and peace…That is true and pure Love/God.

That original innocence is what my Love and I are here to manifest and bring back…That is who we are…and I remember how flawless, clean and fresh that pure innocence felt, as he looked at me with is puppy-dog sweet soft eyes, and later lay sleeping next to me in my bed, softly breathing like a whisper….(he even tasted and smelled all sweet and fresh to me...unspoiled)…It was… paradise....divine… glorious....it made my heart (and whole body & soul) sing…My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest and straight into his…There are just no words…There has never been anything like it, not before, and not since…and God, I miss it so…

And the likes of me had to come to earth...to make it known....it was the only way...from pure Source, to the gods.....a message... of true love....as this earth is where the mirror shines brightest.... reflects the most, impacts the most..... blinding light....like lightening....flashes of bright light signals (instead of using smoke signals ;D)...this was just the 'time' to do this.... amidst all those great ascension schemes and movements.....

….I am basically just a stow-away....

Trust and believe in yourself….

…only you know…

I am the way and the truth and the life...

posted Apr 4, 2013, 12:41 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Apr 4, 2013, 3:00 AM ]

By now, I must say, after and instead of the whole 'spiritual' quest, I am ready to just have a nice and simple life someplace, with a (my) loving partner, maybe even make a baby :D.....I am quite done with this story....I wrote it all down to pass on for those in need of hearing it...but for myself....I just wanna breathe and be...play like a child, create and try stuff out without too much thinking and/or planning.....in total trust of the 'mother-father-god-source' within...which provides all....

As it was Easter.....well....I always feel very connected to Jesus' story....the burden/cross/earth experience he carried, how he was flocked and ridiculed, the demons he fought in the desert...I feel I did the same....All these years of ascending I fought the ancient earth-demons (ego-energies), a lifetime, alone in my empty desert (I live pretty much as a total recluse, I just couldn't bare any more outside stimulants coming in anyway, having my hands full already!)...and prevailed....

"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Beware of men; for they will deliver you up to councils, and flog you in their synagogues and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear testimony before them and the Gentiles. When they deliver you up, do not be anxious about how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will deliver up brother to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next; for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel, before the Son of man comes.

None of this to be taken too literally of course :)

Free, clear and detached I am now...and all ready for my resurrection...a new and different life beyond the cross...Turning 43 on the 14th of April, entering my 44th earth-year...well….I consider this my re-birthday...

I was born a Spring/Easter child for a reason you know, and also being born under the fierce trail blazing warrior sign of Aries sure was no coincidence. The first sign of the Zodiac, the one that pioneers, goes ahead and preceeds all others, making things happen, getting the job done. This baby chick is ready to hatch, break out of the egg she was in for so many years, only vaguely aware of the echoes of an outside world. Last bits are always hardest, as one is so tired form picking away at the shell for so long...almost there though!

When Jesus died, so it was written, the veils of the temple tore…And so it was….As we were dying to our old selves through the ascension process, and excavating our core, digging ourselves a path back to our hearts that was hidden underneath all the old energy rubble, the apocalypse took place (apocalypse is Greek and means: ‘the lifting of the veil’). We, through our unwavering trust in higher love, relentless efforts and perseverance, lifted the veil…and now there is no place left for old energy to hide. It is now all out there in the open, for all to see…and heal.

In the Jewish Easter-tradition they eat bitter herbs on Easter to remind themselves of their bitter enslavement in Egypt...this is a symbolic story...Egypt stands for the ego that wants to control, is unwilling to let go, until it is made to, being/severely plagued/pressured....The people of Israel stand for God/Spirit...The exodus out of ego-enslavement symbolizes the freeing of the Spirit...The 40 years in the desert stands for the trial, the quest to regain trust in the God-self, for triumphing over the illusion (splitting open of the sea, clearing a path), trusting what is in ones heart even if it cannot see....Manna from heaven stands for love and all good things divinely coming in to support you from the most unexpected corners, if only you get out of the way, don't doubt, and allow...The story of the golden calf shows how one does not need rituals and worship idols/gods/items (the material) outside of oneself...WE are the god we sought after....we need not humble down to, idolize or be governed by anyone....Peace comes from within...

Moses in that story never entered the Promised Land himself, after showing others the way…he didn’t need to. As I noticed, one does not need/want for anything after ascending. The ego wanting has simply ceased to be. The Promised Land is right here, right now, inside of me. There is no more fear or worry, and although I fantasize about what would be nice to have/do/experience in my life, it is no must-have.

The importance is gone...It is now somewhat strange to me, watching the world around me make everything so big and important...It simply doesn't matter people...it does not matter.

I watched ‘Ben Hur’ and ‘The ten commandments’ with Charlton Heston over Easter. The Germans just love broadcasting those old epic spectacle movies every year over the Easter holidays :)

(That’s US btw, we’re Moses…and Jesus/the Christ as well… We are the great cleansing flood that washed away all the ‘sins’ of mankindJesus said: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. Humanity and Earth would never be able to eventually find a path to peace, if we hadn’t been willing to go ahead, clear/blaze free the trail, carry the cross, and show them the way. Through us, the now purified and Christed ones, others can also come/find to the God inside…All they need do is throw off their self-inflicted/-created burdens. They can now follow in our foot prints. We already removed the blocks for them, by clearing the Earth grid of old energy. Everything is already up in the air now, as old ego energy has no way of anchoring itself back inside the Earth anymore, which is why there is so much anxiety and dark stuff (among other things, the rape and abuse of many women -female energy-, and children – original innocence energy-) going on in the outside world right now, the old has lost its footing, and is scared shitless, lashing out, there is no place to hide anymore.  There is no other way of getting there than doing the work, letting go, walking through the fire, and the forge (even if being whipped, tortured and crucified is part of the ‘sacrifice’…..Walking on water means (allowing) to be carried by Spirit…)

I also noticed the other day how little I care about what people think about me. I am aware the small neighbourhood here is boggled and curious about my life, and wonders how I get by, and why I don’t do much of anything…and I just don’t care. I am beyond all that.

Needless to say, the Israelites/Jews in ‘real life’, amongst many other people on this Earth, are still very much enslaved. We all make our own beds. The currently newly arising conflict with North-Korea for instance, is a clear sign of  healing coming up…Unifying North (feminine) and South (masculine)…Maybe through more violence, maybe not…Same in Ireland and elsewhere. Old situations coming up to (finally) be cleared/solved/healed. Takes time though.

Just a week or so ago there was this ascension whirl of energies, and I felt a huge dark cloud of depression and despair that got released from within and on the Earth and humanity coming up, like I have soooo many times before….I felt its pulling, as it wants/needs to take everything with it that is of matching vibration, like a tornado sucking everything up that isn’t solidly anchored in.

These energy whirls were never much fun, and on the 12-21-2012 it was so huge, and lasted so long, that there was no withstanding it, it vacuumed/centrifuged the last tiny particles of old energy out of me, leaving me totally exhausted and depleted for months thereafter. (All I could do during these last months was eat little bits, sleep, watch TV, read, and sleepwalk myself through the days - nights actually, as I withdrew from everything, wake during the nights, sleeping during the days…and feeling totally fine with that, in the knowledge there wasn’t anything I could have done nor do any differently, the work was done, I was done…the house one big dustbin). When one feels the deep despair and depression, it is merely old energy leaving, and yes, it sucks…but it is healing/cleansing.

So when I felt this recent whirl pulling, something all of a sudden happened, being in the still very weary state I was in (and getting my period), I simply decided not to go there. I did not heed the dark call, I said NO, (fuck it!) I will no longer feel that way, go harass someone else still in need of it, but I am not playing anymore, I have nothing more to give to you.

(Same way this ascension started for me btw all those years ago, when my Love left, and I lay devastated and broken in my bed for 3 days, until I said: ‘fuck this, I will not feel like this anymore!').

There is always CHOICE.

Ascending is nothing but choosing a different energy/thought pattern…all the time…until the new is deeply anchored in as a way of life, a natural state of being. We rewire ourselves. No force outside of us does this, it us always us, all the way ...Beginning, to end...to beginning...

It is all just programming....

Being in bed at that time, unable to sleep because of the vague discomfort, I painted myself a pretty picture in my head. I saw myself in a fairytale forest, lovely warm sunlight piercing through the trees, as I was riding a unicorn. The story kind took off from there, all by itself…I was but naked, looking gorgeous, thin and light again, vibrant with life and vitality, young, sparkly and shiny, with long wavy thick hair down to my waist. I was actually laying on the unicorns strong back, eyes closed, stroking my hands along its flanks, while feeling it’s warm hair and muscles move as it walked through the forest. I felt its strong and calm soothing heartbeat, breathing, and its strength…and then I was sound and peacefully asleep. The images had relaxed me.

I use to always fantasize pretty fairytale pictures like that as a kid; couldn’t fall asleep without them. (I am not sure, was never much into that sort of thing, but I believe the unicorn stands for love, healing and purity).

I had shaken the whole thing off…A few hours later I woke up, took a long hot shower washing myself clean of it all, and went for a walk outside in the fresh cold night air underneath the stars. And thus I was cleared.

Thoughts and imaginations are magical and creative. They can put your whole system at peace (just like the mere though of sex can put your body in a state of arousal :D).

Humans eat the bitter herbs because they so choose to…Because mind and thought are steeped in bitterness and fear...'Ask and it is given, knock and the door shall be opened to you, seek and you shall find,..'...One gets and lives what one thinks/creates....We are in all (matter) that surrounds us.

Once having graduated, being all cleansed, and having mastered the energies, shrugging off undesired emotions and thoughts becomes easy. It is a natural state of being. Not to mention one is simply too tired to still go there, to even care or take an interest.

It is true…I have nothing more to give to this ascension story. I am done. My body is still adjusting…but soon I will be totally lifted out of and beyond the transition story. Resurrection day. New life awaits.

Just like with Jesus beyond the grave, other people may have a hard time recognizing us now. People that thought they knew who we were before, now have a hard time relating to us, seeing us for who we truly are. We’re not in Kansas anymore, we are not who we used to be buried under tons of rubble. We are all dressed in white light and blindingly bright shimmering colours now. Can be a somewhat scary unsettling experience for those who ‘knew’ us before.

Last thing I want to share is a song that kept playing in my head for days after breaking free of that whirl. It is ancient, and must have been hiding somewhere inside me since childhood. Some of the lyrics:

Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me,

As long as you love me, it’s alright

Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me,

You got the power, to turn on the light…

Found it on Youtube, enjoy! :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74sUIFY9vFQ

Amen!

love

Ilse

P.S: right now I have ‘Bootylicious’ by Destiny’s Child stuck in my head btw. Heard it on TV last night in a casting show :D

Nothing we don’t know, or haven’t experienced before

posted Mar 15, 2013, 2:19 PM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Mar 25, 2013, 12:50 PM ]

I saw the other day that my sis is now acting disrespectfully (mocking me,  laughing at me etc.) towards me while she first of all seeks my approval, as she finds she is so far along on the spiritual path....She actually looks up to me....People at her yoga practice look up to her, feed her ego...and then all I give her are expressions that cross straight through everything she holds true and holy...Everything she identifies with and holds onto for life...Without it, she is lost...So to her, I am threatening. She defends herself and her way of life, and I am fine with that.....It was startling and disappointing for a bit, until I understood what was going on. She stills feels so insecure and small...and I only enhance that feeling in her by being so certain and secure…so she lashes out, spiritual ego, she can't help it (well, she can, but simply isn’t there yet)....All I feel for her is love and compassion, and tenderness…as in her spiritual quest, she is like a child discovering (its genitals) for the first time, enthusiastically experimenting with it…Anal phase…kinda cute :)

Time to say goodbye though...Just like at my old job at the tourist office, and at Lauren Gorgos', when everyone was getting disrespectful and nasty, a clear signal it’s simply time to move on....no longer belong there....Leave them to discover their own wisdom...in time…

Anyways...I simply saw that I can now simply let go of all the old family...I need not stay intertwined in it, I need not partake in it, not stick around....Nothing needs doing with it anymore, not clearing, not healing, it does no longer trigger/reflect anything of mine that needs dealing with...There is no more common ground there, and I am also, for my personal life, done explaining and being around people that need to have an opinion/judgement about eeeeverything, and who are unable to truly listen, see and accept (Because of the old programming they run themselves by, they are so closed off, blind and deaf, that I am basically invisible to them now, no one really knows me. The rules and rituals they so rigidly live by, prevent them from letting in any other possibilities. The channels are blocked and polluted. But where before I experienced this as frustrating, I am now at peace with it, and love them anyway, from a detached distance).

It is now all neutralised. I forgave, made peace, embraced and integrated it all...It is now all honoured and loved, and served it's purpose, and will not be taken with in my new life....They have their own realities to live and stories to write now, and I have mine...None of theirs has anything to do with me anymore…Time to move on.

My mom and dad (both in their mid-70’s now) I will to an extent keep in touch with, let them know how I am doing, show them pictures of my life's progression, out of deep love, gratefulness and respect I have for them. They deserve it, and I know it means a lot to them, so I honour that, and them....But I will never go to Holland to visit them again, not ever...and I think this summer will actually be the last time I see them in real life...and it's all good...leaving it al behind, in the old…I hope they get to meet my love then...It is interesting to see how in many cases, people as they grow older, like my parents,  become more mellow and open to love, acceptance, and support of each other. I am more connected to them now, than I ever was before.

My sisters I will probably never see again. 2 of them (of 3 total) I have already been out of touch with for several years now. One of them, my 2nd sister,  recently suffered a minor heart attack, so my mom told me (closed off hearts can have a very rough time in these times of massive heart openings and transitions into the new energy)...I am very thankful to the old family, they helped me get to where I needed to go, by providing me with the necessary contrast that pushed me ever further....Love them heaps....The love always remains, the mutual story and journey alongside each other on this earth, however, ends here....Except being born of the same set of parents/blood, I have absolutely no more areas of connection with my sisters. Where before there were exchanges taking place, we also enjoyed sharing interactions and discoveries happening, there now is no more possibility to support each others’ expansion, the source is exhausted and dry. The reason to interact is gone, and they are now just empty desert connections, serving no purpose, going nowhere, extinct.

...I am also simply not that person anymore, not who they think they know, not the one they consider part of their picture, for the picture's changed...It is time to let all of the old go, and begin a whole new story....My true story....with a new family, fresh people, who can truly see and hear me, with fresh open clear eyes and ears, instead of looking at me through smudged old goggles...I need that...clear connections, at least in my personal space/life.

I am no longer the confused helpless Ilse I was light-years ago, that felt like a shot wounded animal, an alien in strange country, forcibly buried under and smothered by piles of insane anxious old energy rules and limiting programming others violently installed on me. I dug myself out from underneath all that rubble, and found myself again, back to the true me…with an open honest heart, complete authenticity, and with full reign, and sovereignty over my own feelings, energies and reality. Like living on a mountain peak, overlooking worlds and ages

So...time for new surroundings, new everything...I am ME now....in need of a new surrounding picture/background colour...The old that was before, no longer reflects anything of mine....It is not me anymore, although forever part of my story/journey.....It is now not only time for a new chapter, but indeed for a whole new book....I feel detached and far away from the old one....as if it never even was....just a mirage....a faint memory...like a far away dream...light-years and galaxies passed.

These last days I have been feeling ever farther removed from everything anyways....It all feels ancient and very distant...The whole world does in a way, even though it is right there outside my door/window....And I keep waking up warm and fuzzy...feeling ever lighter so it seems, breathing deeper...still with a sore body, but all new and clear as well....Feeling kind of fluffy and dizzy/light headed, as if floating…away from and above everything…with a tear and deep sigh here and there of relief and total let go.....and weariness...and contentment of having done it all to the best of my ability, with nothing left to achieve, accomplish or discover....having gone all the way, beyond the outer limits, without leaving anything out, or dodging any bullets....

I rest and sleep a lot...and don't do anything...not even eat much...the occasional short stroll...and that's it....I deserve a rest, as the work is done...and I am tired and depleted...I need rest and healing...for myself now...Everything is now falling away...for good...so I am providing my body with all the time, space and rest she needs in order to catch up/heal….There isn’t anything in need of doing anymore…and the times of great disciplining are over….Whenever I get a wave of creative energy, I simply write/draw down the ideas and let it go…This is not (yet) the time for action…It will all come to pass, in due good time….

Love
Ilse

P.S: The tooth that had been so brutally ‘treated’ by the dentist last January, was still very loose, sensitive and unpleasant feeling by mid-February (my body has done so much workfor the world/ascension, which took so much out of her, her own healing comes last as there isn't much energy left for it, or so it seems), so I decided to do something about it. Intuitively I felt drawn to ‘urine-therapy’, so I started immediately, and with great success! The tooth has now, after about 2 weeks, firmly anchored back in, and the gums are also healed. All my other teeth and gums are drastically improving and whitening as well. If you wish to avoid the old worlds’ ‘butchering’ ways of ‘healing’ a body, I can recommend urine therapy anytime. I for sure, am never doing the old ‘root canal’ ever again. If you’re interested transmutation theory

A week or so go I also woke up with the gland under my ear on the left side being swollen to the size of an ostrich egg, my face & neck looked kinda like the elephant man (must have some to do with the upcoming spring equinox or something. I stopped bothering with mental explanations and just go with it. The energy waves are pulsating pretty quickly right now, yet to me are also very mellow, almost like one flat line, with only very mild squeezes and expansions, hardly noticable almost anymore...although I am sure for others it is all still pretty intense. I know I am done, as I can feel it in my toes :D), and it was very painful…So I spent days walking around with an icepack on that side, wrapped around my head in a shawl, looking like an Easter egg. But after about a week it is pretty much all healed again, wee bit sore is all…

I also found some very nice people/guys over the internet who share free Kefir grains/crystals and Kombucha scobies (again, I feel intuitively drawn to eat/drink this, but what suits me does not necessarily serve another as well), at only shipping costs (for Europe only).

In case you’re interested, here’s one Giacomo's Kefir page - Google+

And/or check out  http://www.kombu.de/suche2.htm#uk and http://www.torontoadvisors.com/suppliers?keywords=europe

P.P.S. added March 19th.: The night before last I dreamt about a storm, a huge layer of thick grey clouds appearing above my head, with a howling and roaring spinning hole in the middle, and it sucked me up.....I couldn't get away from it and go back inside, I couldn't find the door to the building/terminal anymore (I had been waiting outside, with a suitcase, for a plane to somewhere, some business to go check out, part of the time wearing a red overall), couldn't move/walk forward against the storm, back to the building/inside, as the wind was too strong, couldn't see a thing, the wind took my breath away...and then I felt my feet being lifted from the earth/ground, swept away I was, and I was floating/flying, blinded by all the grey and with the loud howling in my ears (it was like an intense version of the cool breeze and humming sound I have been experiencing around me and inside my head 24/7 ever since beginning the ascension-transition journey, which is the wind of spirit Jesus also mentioned)....and instead of resisting and being afraid, I got really calm, closed my eyes, and surrendered, relaxing in total trust, and letting my body hang loose and free in the storm like a rag doll, to be taken anywhere, wile praying for my mom and dad and everyone to be kept safe and taken care of....I saw my mom and dad there before, they had been waiting there with me for my flight to arrive, dropping me off, but then disappeared in the storm....we got separated....I knew I myself was safe and taken care of.

To me it’s pretty clear what this dream is telling me. Profound and intense change is on the near horizon…and I will get whisked away by spirit, into the wild and unknown (once again) …leaving the old behind. There is no going back and there will be much letting go. In my astrological chart man cycles are also coming to an end now, all at the same time (I don’t really do astrology, but this once I was guided to check it out). Endings…and new beginnings…?


Added March 24th.: One of my sisters recently suffered a second heart attack in a short period of time, so I got an angry e-mail from my mom the other day....She was mad and told me to get out of lala-land and into the real world....because I told her not to worry about my sis, but simply let go and trust, that this was in fact a message and opportunity for change for my sis, a blessing in disguise....She didn't much like to hear the part where I said my sis created her own reality and could heal by simply letting go and changing, her free choice.....People never like to hear about that part, where they are responsible for their own situation...They have it al in their own hands...

People most always feel insulted when their drama (old beliefs-systems and expected ways of responding/re-acting) is not met with/validated by more drama...it takes the steam out of the dark heavy energy they are used to. It takes the energy out of the reality, so it goes dead.….And this new approach, where they run into a wall, a deflated neutral situation instead of being fed by more drama that winds the whole thing up even more so the cycle can continue, makes them feel insecure. It is a new situation and way of responding that scares them a lot, as it challenges them to letting go and changing, and actually take responsibility for their lives instead of blaming god, food, other people etc.

My moms angr
y response didn't trigger a thing in me...not even made me blink...I felt no-thing.....that's just who they are, and the (drama) energies they (choose to) run themselves by....All good....I understand her worries and fears well, and feel compassionate and loving, yet do not validate or support them into becoming (even more) real…I place my energy elsewhere, instead of breathing (more) life into an undesired situation. I withhold my creative thoughts and energy, and place them into desirable outcomes.

Breaking the illusion places one on the other side of the mirror/veil. Still not a very crowded place…living outside looking in…as if standing alone on the highest mountain peak overlooking the far surroundings.

But this is a way of being this world has yet to gain an understanding of and integrate. Their world is still flat, where mine is spherical/multi- and inter-dimensional..

I also suddenly realized that, next to simply loving and supporting her daughter, my mom is mostly supporting me financially because she thinks she binds me to her that way, makes me dependent of her, so that I will stick around…She is very afraid to lose me, and intuitively feels me moving ever further away from her (energetically). And she is correct, her feelings are there for a reason.....Go and move on I must, and will....

Of course, that is just one of the motivations/reasons...as with everything, things/events are multi-dimensional in scope, and so my mom is also simply a parent genuinely desiring to support her child, from her heart...and the underlying even deeper layer of intention is that she is a god-spark supporting and enabling another god-spark to fulfill its designated task...even if it's all way beyond her comprehension. (A few years back my parents were still full of bitter rejection and anger towards me...so they came a long way as well).

God makes everything possible.

Lately, and since the equinox even more, I have been feeling ever farther removed from all that was...Also the whole ascension story...The past feels cut off, closed off and far away.....Even the story with my love has become neutral...I feel nothing with the whole story, as if it was all just a vague dream and never had anything to do with me, a faint echo....detached and moved on....more and more so...Purpose served, now empty and obsolete.

When my love and I come back together now, it will be in a totally new and different way, little to nothing to do with what happened between us before. It will be even better…much much better.

Ascension is also nothing but a mere illusion after all…just like everything else….A structure we needed to believe in for a while, and bought into in order to do the work we were sent here or chose to accomplish, changing the Earth-theme…But now to me it is just an empty shell with no meaning…Another illusion I no longer support by placing my energy and attention on it, giving more life to it….My energies are placed elsewhere now more and more, moving ever further beyond and away from the ascension illusion.

Just like with an earthquake, the process is very intense for quite a while during the main event…and then come the aftershocks for a while, growing ever smaller and shorter, less intense…until….one day…it is all over and one has become totally stabilized in the new way of being, as natural as breathing.

Looking around this world, it reflects so very little of me. Basically no-thing here is an expression of who I am. I do not recognize myself in any of it, at all. This world mostly reflects the old energy and how that works, with all it's conflicts, drama, goals and strivings, which I now full understand, respect and live in harmony with, as being created by other god-particles like myself, other expressions of me that I now fully embrace and live in peace with. But these surroundings simply do not reflect any of mine, not anything of the gifts and love I carry inside. Also the place I live in is no longer in tune with who I am. The landscape is bare and unsuitable now. We are after all here to bring what is within to the outside, into full material physical expression. Fingers crossed that this will soon come to pass...

I am also forgetting about the government benefits btw...after over 2 months they managed to send me another bunch of forms and ask for tons of paperwork, some I have to pay for to get.. It would take a whole lotta hassle...so...I immediately felt I should just let it go, forget about it.....When it is so complicated and so much work, it's not befitting of new energy and me...No judgement or rejection, just didn't feel right all those hoops to jump through, that is just not me anymore…I think there's a reason it didn't happen...it is simply not supposed to, and god will send me something much more appropriate and better....The situation simply served a purpose of opening me up one last one hundredth of a millimetre.

For the LOVE of God....

posted Feb 7, 2013, 10:56 AM by Ilse Chronicles   [ updated Feb 14, 2013, 2:10 PM ]

Just now I had another strange experience...my heart is still kind of racing from it....

The doorbell rang...There was this guy standing there, kind of looked like a doctor, about my age.....and he said he was there about my health....Since I am in the race for that government benefit thingy, which also has to do with my ‘invalidity’ to work, I kind of figured he was from the government and there to check up on me, to see if I really wasn't working or anything....

So, I invited him in, he came with some doctor-like brief case and had kind of a sweet face, sweet eyes and smile....soft voice....So he sat down at my table, looking rather surprised.....

Then he took out a book...and started talking about herbs and stuff...and then it dawned on me, he was there to sell a series of books about health...So we started talking, about health and well-being, all good...

I always know encounters such as these happen for a reason, so I just let it all happen....I made it very clear to him though I was not going to buy his stuff and that I didn't need any of it...Of course he kept on trying to bring his product across, attempting to make that sale...and I made it very clear, again, I was not going to purchase any of his products....

Then he brought out some booklet which had helped him a lot in his life he said, and he wondered what I thought about it (it was only 7 Euros ;)), and I took a brief look at it, then said to him it was no book I would ever read.....

Then he started asking me questions about my hopes for the future, and how I viewed life....and I explained how I live in the now and not in the future, and that I was always taken care of...

Then we got deeper into the topic, as he was curious....He was also kind of surprised that I was so open and honest, and had in fact invited him into my home, as normally the door got slammed in his face....And then, of course, I saw it coming, he started talking about god and the bible to me....He was simply some kind of jehova's witness or something....

Oh. My. God.

So, when he asked questions, I answered them, very openly and frankly, just being me as always.....Which, after half an hour or so, and me being able to answer any question he had about life and god etc, made him go totally into religious fanatic mode....telling me I was mocking god, and that I would be judged on judgement day and be cast into hell...He kept telling me I needed to pray to Jesus for forgiveness, love and help, and I told him the Christ resides within all of us, and humans needed to learn to love, trust and help themselves....and that hate like that only brings about more hate....and that peace does not come from without but from within....

I really confused him, the usual biblical texts he normally parroted to people simply wouldn't work the way they usually did, so I got on his nerves big-time, as he just could not gain a grip on me, nor trip me or throw me off/over...He was used to being overbearing, ambushing people in their homes with a false story about selling a book series, when he was simply an evangelist looking for an opening....He was simply a cheat....Lonely old people in dire need of some company were easy prey for him....like his daily meal....

He kept going on about how it was all written in the bible, and that's why it was true...And so I asked him who he thought had written that bible, and if he had personally  been there when all these (supposedly divine) things happened/were said in the bible, and when all these laws and rules were made, and he said no....So asked him how he knew then it was true if he had not experienced all these things for himself, whether he simply blindly believed and followed everything he was told... I also shared very openly that to me, however useful some biblical texts might be, others were to be understood as a metaphor, not literally, and that some were simply total BS, written and added by spiteful control freaks…Where he of course stated there was nothing he had ever read in the bible that was bullocks, not ever! His religious ego was feeling attacked and injured. He felt challenged…and threatened…in a major way.

And so on, and so forth…

We talked bout ‘an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth’ and many other subjects…and he kept on sharing his limited, idiotic and hateful views...(like how Eve supposedly had been created from Adams' rib...I made it clear to him that the feminine was not created from the masculine, but that the story of Adam and Eve was a metaphor, that there were actually never 2 such indivuals on the earth, and female and male in fact came into being at the very same 'time'..Neither one was 1st, nor was the one created from or by the other. It felt like speaking to a Neanderthal. He actually thought it very generous of Jesus to have saved Mary from being stoned to death, being the nasty sinning whore she was.)

'He who is without sin shall cast the first stone...'

He told me about how a serious car crash at age 21 brought him to change his life, and turned him to the bible (a kinda missed awakening opportunity if you ask me...and probably one of the many reasons he was sent/guided to my doorstep)....so I said I fully respected that he got a lot of strength from the bible, but that no one knows more about what is right for him then he himself does, not other people, and not some book...and that peace and love do not come from without but from within...that he was in fact the god he sought outside himself....

Getting ever more wound up, he kept on telling me about the guilty feelings he carried towards his wife whenever he lost is temper and was seduced (by no one else but the devil of course) said nasty things to her, and that he had to ask god for forgiveness constantly, so he would be allowed in the eternal afterlife, and then he asked me what I did to relieve my feelings of guilt, and I answered: "Nothing, I don't have any"....He then went quiet for a bit with an utterly boggled look on his face, contemplating what his reply to that unexpected statement should be, and then resumed his efforts to make me 'see the light', by starting the same sentence and question he had asked before, like a broken down record that can't help but play the same part over and over again, until he got the answer he desired, one he could then elaborate on in the way he was used to....Except...the answers he expected and was after never came. Big frustration.

He kept telling me how something serious like a huge car crash happening, and me being left alone with no one there to help me would someday change my perspective...and I told him I had already long been to that place...and back again....and it made me discover no one else but me is responsible for my life, and surely not some unknown judgmental entity in the sky.....and that eternal life is not for the happy few, but there for us all, a given for each and everyone, regardless of who we are and what we do or do not do.....God makes no such distinctions.

He kept on talking about how Jesus died for the sins of mankind, and I said there are no such things as sins, only experiences, and that god does not judge, only humans do (which is how/why Jesus supposedly ended up on the cross in the first place).....that in gods' eyes we are all loved, equal, and worthy of love, and have free will/choice to do with our lives whatever we choose....If we decide to be a criminal, we can, if we choose to be a doctor, painter, philanthropist etc, it is all the same to god....that we can choose to either use the masculine, or the feminine energy, or both in perfect neutral peaceful divine balance, and god loves, supports and embraces it all, each and every chosen experience.....and no more horrid atrocities ever take place then when people try to control others, (for instance by religious dogma) telling them how to be and what to do....that no one knows what is right for another...that the god that lives inside me also lives inside him, and that we are all one and the same...and that other humans are merely mirrors to us, showing who we are being....what we are being about....and that intolerance, hate and rejection towards others, is merely expressing the rejection and hate one holds for oneself...and that god wants us to just love and accept ourselves (and thus our fellow human beings) for who we are…divinity in form.

He would not hear of it, And kept on about how Jesus died on the cross in agony, and I needed to repent, and how I was a heretic, a blasphemist, and satan ruled my world....and so I asked him:  'you would probably nail me to the cross too then huh, if you had the opportunity to do so?'....and he went quiet for a bit, thinking, and said, no not he would crucify me, but god would...He said Jesus would return (the second coming, which is already long here, but how should he know) on the earth and come down from heaven to punish me, I would be punished and perish in horrible agony, I should beware.....

When I told him Jesus came to earth to make mankind aware of its divinity, and that Jesus was already there within each human, to be brought forth at any given moment of their choice, he got really angry.....I was insulting god he said, I was a false prophet....like Jesus had warned about, that there would be those calling themselves Christ, who were in fact of the devil.....

I was never going into any discussion, or trying to convince him of anything.....that would have been impossible anyway, deeply steeped into the hate/fear-hole as he was.....I just let him speak, and when he asked, I answered...

Although his rejection (of himself, and rejection of love towards himself and others) and hate made me kind of sad....He kept on insisting humans did not need to find the love to themselves, but to Jesus (Jeeeeezzzzz!)...They had to learn to love Jesus, not themselves, as humans were sinners, and weak, and some plain evil...(when I asked him about turning the other cheek, Jesus’ way,  instead of doing onto others what they do onto you, he had no real answer, except that punishment was fair and necessary. 'An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth', in its most primitive explanation...I guess Jesus is only right some of the time, whenever it fits the human ego’s need).

When humans would only go down on their knees in the dirt, bow their heads in suffering, misery and tears deep enough, and begged, pleaded and prayed hard enough, then, maybe, gods' love would save them...God himself would come down from his throne with blazing thunder, and come to earth to punish all those that did not grovel and bow before him....Sooo medieval...One could clearly see this mans' body was bent forward in a curve from all the guilt, pain and anguish he was carrying around, one could easily see he was used to lying on his knees with his head bowed, humbly begging and pleading for relief, for gods' love, forgiveness and support, to wash his 'sins' away.

If only he knew that the only one able to release him from all his burdens is he, himself.

Only he can forgive himself and get to a higher way of being....Yet he was under the impression that one comes to earth only once, had only one chance, and only to suffer and be endlessly tested..so that, when one was lucky, and had repented and suffered enough, one would be allowed in the peaceful afterlife, the kingdom of god, Walhalla.

This man was convinced our encounter was no coincidence, and that he was brought to my door to make me see the light....Yet I know it was the other way around, and told him so....

It is not the words we exchanged that will help him to find to himself, and change….eventually....

This man was not a bad man (as there is no such thing)...he was simply ignorant....blind...and deaf....and drunk from his ego pain body.

All the time through the conversation I remained so totally calm and at peace, and all I felt for this man was such deep compassion and love.....and some sadness that he was so locked up in all this fear and hate, so blinded.....it almost brought tears to my eyes...poor sweet man....What a waste of energy and life...when it could all be so beautiful, abundant, joyful and lovely...and peaceful

Humans have such a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, and simply acknowledging their own enormity/divinity.

Homo Giganticus

I never feared him, not at any moment did I feel threatened or felt like returning is anger. It triggered nothing in me.

When he started to get really wound up, and raised his voice at me, turning all red, with eyes wide almost falling out of his head, pointing his finger at me, bending over towards me, and beginning to foam from the mouth, on the verge of becoming really nasty (he was a very tall guy, twice my height), I kindly asked him to leave my house, and walked him to the door....there I hugged him and wished him love, wisdom and peace, and a beautiful life ....and sent him on his way with loving thoughts and intentions accompanying him...

It was this hug that went straight to his heart, I also, for a brief moment I held his hands in mine...and that's what will do the trick....He looked slightly shocked afterwards....quite baffled....I had shown him LOVE…the real thang, not the fake stuff :)

Before leaving he knocked on the door downstairs as well, where my neighbour lives, so I told him my neighbour wasn t there but at work...Still he kept knocking the door, not believing that I was simply telling him the truth. Very distrusting he was, this 'man of god'.

This was an encounter of the oldest heaviest most primitive energy on earth, with the lightest....It was like ancient prehistoric primitive ego meets loving mother-father god love....wow..Hate to love....old to new.

'forgive him father for he knows not what he does'....there was nothing to forgive...I was in fact thankful for the experience, and that such an individual was brought to my doorstep....to be embraced....So I thanked him for his visit.....and thanked god too, in the silence of my heart.....

Light is never more needed then in very dark places....

I never understood better why we took this whole thing upon ourselves, as when I was standing there, face to face with this evangelist...I felt such compassion and love for that man, he was so lost, locked up in his, anger fear and hate...Exactly that must be what called us here.....Without us, mankind could have never found itself a way out....It was love and compassion that brought us here....We came to release the divine human of his (self-created) shackles....Mankind asked, god delivered.

Does that mean it was all necessary, hallelujah, and could not have been achieved any other way, or simply been left alone to its own natural development/evolution? Nope, it does not...but this just happens to be the way we all, as one collective divine consciousness, decided to go about it...as a creative adventure. I guess god just loves to meddle for love, he just doesn't know any better...And it is his/our world after all, like all worlds are. We do with it as we so please. We are all in on it.

After having gone through the whole ascension-excavation and clean-up, and uncovering the love I hold for myself, I now also fully understand the 'loving thy neighbour as thyself' part. One can only gain a total understanding of it when one has actually experienced this for oneself. This man was simply me in another form, and so now I held nothing but love for him, as I now hold nothing but love for myself. It was so easy to love him. Not at any time did I feel like answering his fear & anger, like rewarding rage and intolerance with more rage and intolerance. All I wanted to do was embrace and love him. This was in fact his divine gift to me, an experience for which I am very grateful. It showed me I indeed have arrived, and the hard work is over and done with. It lifted me up to yet a higher place...THE place...to be.

Somehow everything has come full circle now, into being one whole.

I now have no more resistance whatsoever towards love, not to receiving it, nor to giving it...I am now a wide open, unblocked channel for love to flow towards, through and from, into the world surrounding me, like water...how wonderful.

This world still has a long long way to go to get to peace...but the (new) beginning is here now.

And now...I actually have a slight headache from this intense encounter now, as my body is already detoxing, ridding itself of the little sticky dark energies....As he was screaming at me I got a bit light-headed for a moment, and broke into a minor sweat....Deep darkness attacks can bring about such a response in your body, which is just a natural response, an immediate way to release and cleanse…..So...I will have a nice warm shower now....cry some releasing tears for mankind....and freshly be on my way...again....

It amazes me how simple things have become now….how easily events such as these just melt off/by me, like butter in a hot frying pan….The ancient endless cycle stops right here, with me.

….and all I feel is love and compassion….

love

me

P.S. The next day, as I was getting the mail from my mailbox, I noticed this evangelist had put in a flyer with big letters on it, screaming 'TAKE JESUS!'...and it made me chuckle out loud....Sweet poor lovely divine misguided man...Thank you...god.

Oh…and just now I heard the pope is actually resigning his post come February 28th, the 1st pope to do so in 600 years. He turns 86 on April 16 (2 days after my b’day :D) Just like the Dutch queen he is abdicating, and making room for someone new. So, somewhere around the March equinox there will be new pope, and also a lot of other new stuff appearing as well I am sure.
New beginnings all over.

Every now and then I have some huge tears break through... not the heavy sad kind, but the kind of crying that comes from all the way down in your toes (or soul) and is releasing and relieving, cleansing...It comes from so deep within, like a big tsunami wave that breaks through the dam and simply floods away through all barriers, dragging everything with it, everything washed clean....I keep having these deep deep sighs and/in-breaths, as if able to breathe in eternally without ever having to breathe out again.....

I have had so many visions of my love and I together that it made me restless....and also kind of impatient....I know my new life starts with him....

All the many life long years before were the preparations leading upto it, but with him the process seriously took off in Sept. 2007, and with him it will also end....He will put my body and being back at ease. Just like he broke it all open way back when, he will also be the one to heal it again...He started/triggered the cycle to open/begin, and he will close it....He will bring about the big material/physical changes, like he did years ago...that's how it is intended to be....Some things one must do alone, other things one cannot do alone and for/by oneself....I could not start up the most intense part of process by myself, I needed him for that, neither can I end/finish it by myself....It ends with our beginning, in the form of his return....

I am not only complete, and a whole on my own, I am also a greater complete whole together with him...Love is a infinite circle (a 0, or/and an 8-shaped), an endless unlimited exchange of energy between male and female, back and forth, and without my love, this circle is simply incomplete.

We'll see what gives huh....Maybe March equinox energies will help bring about the change...that would be nice...

The erratic weather patterns worldwide, accompanied by a huge flu epidemic (in Germany 1 in 3 individuals is down with the flu), and other such similar happenings, are forcing people to slow down and reboot....Getting ready for a new beginning...Everyone at its own level, in its own way and at its own pace.

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