If it wasn't 2 in the morning and I had had pants on, I would have felt better about myself.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like balls, and those who don't.
-Father of two, one of each kind

It's funny because it has "noodling" in it.
-Gina (on canoodling)

I can only take so much dick.

I'm grabbing my butt to make sure it's not on fire.

I have little crevices now. I can put my camera back here.

Alex, it's not our fault you had monkeys in the backseat.
-Monkey Thief

Frank, you're such a sexy crutch muffin.

Do you still have that clock that tells you what time it is?
-Mrs. Wright

The rocks in my head are loose.

[I]t's hard to build your soul when everyone around you is trying to sell theirs.

-William Deresiewicz

If he's humping, then he's coming.
-Mac user

Like this - a finger for every hole!

I can smell your banana.
-Anonymous sea cucumber

It's a racing elephant! Obviously!

Cow-licking is actually really cool.

I think I'd know if there was a sausage in my pocket.

I didn't know you knew the alphabet!

Fiver just tapped my ass.

Angela: You're going to eat zebra?!
Anna: Usually I wouldn't, but it's Thanksgiving!!

Usually when I see your tits, they're red.

You've got a breastplate, too, dude, that's awesome!

AC: You can breathe off our octos.
BW: I don't know what that is, but you can breathe off mine.

I have the best memories about farting!!

You have to put it in your mouth, and then you have to swallow.
-Girl with dry hair

I have fornicating horses on my head!

I was
hoping you would lick my nostril!

I’m dancing to the beat of the custody account.

I have to fart, keep walking.

She’s not mature enough to talk about poo.

I think they're chicken people, but I'm not sure.
-Stevie P.

I'm a useful guinea pig.

I'm a delicate flower. I am a delicate flower!
-Not really a delicate flower

My butt hair is soft and fawny and pretty with minimal clumping.
-BT star employee

I could totally eat a metre of sausage.

Be careful of the crack.

I can't talk while you're scratching the p*nis.

I’d rather have it rubbery than slimy any day.

I don’t think I’m worthy of banana treatment.

I don’t have room for meat in my pants!!
-Feller girl

Michael Jackson, I always think of the stealth bomber when I think of his nose.
It is a very angular nose.

Where’s my nightgown? I’m the beauty of the night.

It's all vegetarian. Well, except for the meat.

I'm a boy! That's why I'm wearing a dress!

Can Fiver handle that much sausage?

What is Tetris?

Guillaume: Do you think she does mart artial... artial mart?
Chantal: ...Martial arts?

Heather: Who told you that?
Andrew: It was in a book.
Mathias: You heard it from Sandra Bullock?!

Adel: You're gonna be a little degraded.
Teresa: Yes! I wanna be degraded!

I know I'm not even getting a treat. Just go ahead and stick it in.

RT: I was defending a Mafia guy.
Groman: Did you get him off?

I am the cake

oh i wait anxiously for the day i am able to leave my sex toys lying around the office

I emptied the salami at work today.
-Not Moe

Don't worry, hit me, I'm also into that.

oh man, [David Hasselhoff] is such a class act... and sexy
-Groupie Smurf

I've never had anyone be so happy about me getting diarrhea
-Poopie Smurf

I can understand [making that kind of mistake] if you're not a native English speecher.
-The Pineapple

duck tales
every wa wa wo wo wa wa duck tales!
doo bee do stranger out to find you!
doo doo do boo boo wa wo wind woo
-Secretly Known as Snuffypoo

I don't know why I have an audience in my dreams watching me pee and poop

My banana stinks like rotting banana

I freeball all the time.

I like death metal.

When does the balling contest start?

I'm getting mixed massages.

I am looking forward to getting poinged.
-El Preggo

I didn't know I had a geezer in me.

I can't hear when I don't have my contacts on.

Is it me in here, or is it just warm?

She just rolls right over, my kind of woman!

Wow! Those aren't balls.

I have a more dexterous butt than you.

Residently turtle
It's not so worse

A cathedral, by definition, is the home church of a...? A bishop!
-Tourist dad quizzing his kids in Paris

extra butter on my poppycorn!
-Ewan's secret lover

Really, two boobs? You got two boobs?
-Banker Smurf

I think I like my porn a little less imaginative.

You have a neighbor who's leaking techno?

i just giveth
then i teaseth
but i don't taketh away
usually i teaseth before i giveth

I know that people can be yellow, not just chink, but jaundiced.

Whaddaya got under there? Buttons?

I think he wants Adriana's crotch.
-Robot Smurf

I stood and I peed in the hole. It was a perfectly good hole.

[V]ery seldom do you come upon a space, a time like this, between act and act, when you may simply stop and be. Or wonder who, after all, you are.
-Le Guin, The Farthest Shore

Just try every hole... It doesn't hurt when it's exactly in.


I don't think I could eat another one unless I put the whole thing in my mouth and just suck.

5 days of wearing long underwear and sweating and not bathing can only mean that things will be good
-Dirty Girl

I'd like to hit that asymptote.

i need to take myself for a potty walk ...
i am so gonna get quoted for that

The word "technology" means "magic." It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one.
-Strong Bad

You underestimate my skill at closing my eyes.
-Awesome Smurf

So-called Cupid and Psyche Room
So-called Pompeian Corridor
Vestibule of the room known as the Library
Don't Forget Your Pants
Danger Underfoot
Silence, Outstanding Mass
-Signs around Rome

Yeah, balls are fun.

See, you lost me on feces.

Fiver, come here. I need some lovin'... You dirty, dirty dog!!

Sauce of vengeance vs. poop of peace…. The eternal struggle.

Not that [Kevin Federline] isn't good looking, just that he's a giant trash nugget.

Steve: You do this with your hands.
Josh: Masturbation?
Steve: It involves two people.
Anna: Mutual masturbation!
Josh: Jean jamming!
Everyone: Jean jamming?! What's jean jamming?!
Catchphrase (keyword: wrist wrestling, whatever that is)

Button is even better, 'cause it starts with butt!

Bush is my emu connection.

Your ass is not moji.

I'm being forced to hula hoop by my mother.

We've had accidental fartage.

I'd still just rather smell Chris's balls...
and I bought the duck not the f*ck.

The grass is greener where it rains.
-Bell X1

He has a bopping kind of ass.

I don't like to see a good sausage go to waste.

I'm the creative impotence.

Buy this car to drive to work
Drive to work to pay for this car

You don't need pork to have fun.
-The SA formerly known as BJ

Every time I bite into it, it squirts.

I don't wanna be coleslaw. I wanna be pimiento cheese.
-Josh B.

If I could only choose one phrase to describe me at this stage in life it would have to be:
[I] was anything, however not mash.

If I don't make out with a random girl in a bar soon, I will explode. That's my bread and butter, dude.

My breasts are for my friends and my friends only.
OK, my breasts are closed for the evening.

chienac: me losing english skills by live in the foreign country.
PSUBPV: looks like it
PSUBPV: do you have blond hair now too?
chienac: what does that have to do with english skills?????

My dignity is for sale, and everything must go!

HR Manager: Hey guys, I'm starting a new club in the office. Do you want to join?
Employee: Um sure, what kind of club is it?
HR Manager: It's a club for people with Wham!'s song "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" stuck in their heads. Congratulations, you are all now members!

I know a girl named Tequila.
And she had a bug eye.

I feel like after the way I was treated, I should drown myself in polenta.
-JW, fka BJ

I wasn't sure if you were offering me something as the goddess of the 9.

I just remembered I have a pair of shoes that I forgot about! The sad part is that they're in Kankakee.

If I was bangs, I would be relaxed bangs.

It'll be just like going to football except it won't be football.
-Brian W.

I was trying to come up with a tasteful joke about balls.

There should be no balls.

psubpv: I would have paid to see your reaction if someone you were out with got naked in a bar
chienac: why, what do you think my reaction would be
psubpv: abject horror combined with uncontrollable laughing

That mannequin really has a penis.

Do I gotta stick something somewhere?
-Matt R.

The nuts in my mouth: That's where I knew I was going wrong.

It kind of smells like purple.

I'm obsessed with the Ethiopians.

This man is a pig. He is, look at him!

Must... eat... watermelon...

I want to continue being mad, living my life the way I dream it, and not the way other people want it to be...
We all live in our own world. But if you look up at the starry sky, you'll see that all the different worlds up there combine to form constellations, solar systems, galaxies.
-Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Boat jousting again??

I still have your milk doily [pinwheel].

Hey, the guy with the tiara is wearing an assless apron!

What's an ass burger?
-Chris D.

I'd already decided on Summer, so it was too late for Eternity

I try to [fart around my husband], but I lose my nerve at the last moment.

I guess I'm harboring the wild hope that I don't really look retarded.

It's humongous. 9 inches. I don't think I can finish it.

i have 20 some odd music pirates who are pirating music at my behest in over 15 countries.
we all have matching skullcaps.
-Bill Franks

mmmmm... grog. grog is like the diet soda of ancient times.
-Bill Franks

...if I get into a hot tub, I'll streak

I wish I could undo my pants

revenge dish cold served best.
i never know the order on that one.

...your biggest liability is your need to succeed. Your need to always find yourself on the sweet side of the bell curve. Because success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way... [But] when all else fails, there's always delusion. [And] if you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
-Conan O'Brien

too bad they don't have bats so i could hit the little old ladies.
-Mrs. Wright

it's thicker, but I think still too warm to be stiff.
-Chris's wife, in the kitchen where she belongs :P

the toes on my right foot are more dextrous than the ones on my left
-J. Kettle

i don't get along well with divots

...to be happy you have to find variety in repetition...
...to go forward you have to come back where you began.
-Eugenides, Middlesex

...your pork tempts me every day. every minute. I can't stop thinking about your pork.
-Tina (who will never be a vegetarian)

...our lives are made of changes we can't control. Letting things happen is good practice.
-Cunningham, A Home at the End of the World

look what happened to my poor pb&j without a protective bread-shaped box!

europe is basically the size of australia but australia is even bigger

the only humans that would be called like that would be cats or dogs...

toot toot, said the little asparagus

yeah i was thinking that [i wasn’t there] in the first pic, when it was 2/3 kuat...
then when i saw the second photo, i was like, "hey is that me?  did i go to sanfran over xmas?" 
and then i was like, "no, it's just angela's nephew who looks EXACTLY LIKE ME"

i hope this soap will make me less retarded. it's "aloe vera"!

it’s not that we would choose fondue [over booty] but it’s a choice i’d rather not make. 
honestly while i was in australia, i had wet dreams about cheese.

I am a more of a vegetarian than not.  But I do love the bacon...
Some, actually many who marry these Filipina beauties, swear they make the best wives in the world, not only beautiful, but loyal, loving and faithful past death... Because I have been married to three Filipinas, lived here and in the US with the first one, I have a broad perspective... Luckily I am married to a wonderful one now, Ani, as lovely on the inside as the outside.  But the first two were good learning experiences.
-Excerpts from livinginthephilippines.com

The combination of iodine and brine is an exclusive in Switzerland and many, mainly middle-aged and elderly people, love to come to Alpamare because of this extraordinary pool.
-Alpamare website

Lately days all seem the same since I lost my brain
Golden nights will see you through, darker days need glue
-The Delgados

I live by the ocean
And during the night
I dive into it...
And this is where I'm staying
This is my home

just because the milk is in love doesn't mean it won't do funny things to your bowels

Work your soul and work your lifetime
without money you can’t buy
Can’t you see
six feet underground?
-Lali Puna

Go, banana!
-Ralph Wiggum

Carry my joy on the left, carry my pain on the right.