quotes
 


If it wasn't 2 in the morning and I had had pants on, I would have felt better about myself.
-Senora

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like balls, and those who don't.
-Father of two, one of each kind

It's funny because it has "noodling" in it.
-Gina (on canoodling)

I can only take so much dick.
-Jon

I'm grabbing my butt to make sure it's not on fire.
-Anna

I have little crevices now. I can put my camera back here.
-Steve

Alex, it's not our fault you had monkeys in the backseat.
-Monkey Thief

Frank, you're such a sexy crutch muffin.
-Monica

Do you still have that clock that tells you what time it is?
-Mrs. Wright

The rocks in my head are loose.
-Tina

[I]t's hard to build your soul when everyone around you is trying to sell theirs.

-William Deresiewicz

If he's humping, then he's coming.
-Mac user

Like this - a finger for every hole!
-APL

I can smell your banana.
-Anonymous sea cucumber

It's a racing elephant! Obviously!
-Andy

Cow-licking is actually really cool.
-Uta

I think I'd know if there was a sausage in my pocket.
-BW

I didn't know you knew the alphabet!
-AHG

Fiver just tapped my ass.
-Alghoclops

Angela: You're going to eat zebra?!
Anna: Usually I wouldn't, but it's Thanksgiving!!

Usually when I see your tits, they're red.
-SCP

You've got a breastplate, too, dude, that's awesome!
-Josh

AC: You can breathe off our octos.
BW: I don't know what that is, but you can breathe off mine.

I have the best memories about farting!!
-Leea

You have to put it in your mouth, and then you have to swallow.
-Girl with dry hair

I have fornicating horses on my head!
-Horgen

I was
hoping you would lick my nostril!
-Ananas

I’m dancing to the beat of the custody account.
-Teresa

I have to fart, keep walking.
-Gasser

She’s not mature enough to talk about poo.
-Anna

I think they're chicken people, but I'm not sure.
-Stevie P.

I'm a useful guinea pig.
-Mathias

I'm a delicate flower. I am a delicate flower!
-Not really a delicate flower

My butt hair is soft and fawny and pretty with minimal clumping.
-BT star employee

I could totally eat a metre of sausage.
-Simon

Be careful of the crack.
-SCP

I can't talk while you're scratching the p*nis.
-AHG

I’d rather have it rubbery than slimy any day.
-TC

I don’t think I’m worthy of banana treatment.
-Teresa

I don’t have room for meat in my pants!!
-Feller girl

Michael Jackson, I always think of the stealth bomber when I think of his nose.
It is a very angular nose.
-Esteban

Where’s my nightgown? I’m the beauty of the night.
-RT

It's all vegetarian. Well, except for the meat.
-Michael

I'm a boy! That's why I'm wearing a dress!
-Anna

Can Fiver handle that much sausage?
-Steve

What is Tetris?
-Humberto

Guillaume: Do you think she does mart artial... artial mart?
Chantal: ...Martial arts?

Heather: Who told you that?
Andrew: It was in a book.
Mathias: You heard it from Sandra Bullock?!

Adel: You're gonna be a little degraded.
Teresa: Yes! I wanna be degraded!

I know I'm not even getting a treat. Just go ahead and stick it in.
-Mitch

RT: I was defending a Mafia guy.
Groman: Did you get him off?

I am the cake
-Mathias

oh i wait anxiously for the day i am able to leave my sex toys lying around the office
-Elaine

I emptied the salami at work today.
-Not Moe

Don't worry, hit me, I'm also into that.
-Humberto

oh man, [David Hasselhoff] is such a class act... and sexy
-Groupie Smurf

I've never had anyone be so happy about me getting diarrhea
-Poopie Smurf

I can understand [making that kind of mistake] if you're not a native English speecher.
-The Pineapple

duck tales
woo-oo!
every wa wa wo wo wa wa duck tales!
woo-oo!
doo bee do stranger out to find you!
doo doo do boo boo wa wo wind woo
-Secretly Known as Snuffypoo

I don't know why I have an audience in my dreams watching me pee and poop
-Tin

My banana stinks like rotting banana
-Anna

I freeball all the time.
-BW

I like death metal.
-Adriana

When does the balling contest start?
-Mathias

I'm getting mixed massages.
-Chuck

I am looking forward to getting poinged.
-El Preggo

I didn't know I had a geezer in me.
-Blondie

I can't hear when I don't have my contacts on.
-Adriana

Is it me in here, or is it just warm?
-Anna

She just rolls right over, my kind of woman!
-Josh

Wow! Those aren't balls.
-Che

I have a more dexterous butt than you.
–Tina

Residently turtle
It's not so worse
-Holgerisms

A cathedral, by definition, is the home church of a...? A bishop!
-Tourist dad quizzing his kids in Paris

extra butter on my poppycorn!
-Ewan's secret lover

Really, two boobs? You got two boobs?
-Banker Smurf

I think I like my porn a little less imaginative.
-George

You have a neighbor who's leaking techno?
-Che

i just giveth
then i teaseth
but i don't taketh away
usually i teaseth before i giveth
-Anna

I know that people can be yellow, not just chink, but jaundiced.
-AHG

Whaddaya got under there? Buttons?
-Corey

I think he wants Adriana's crotch.
-Robot Smurf

I stood and I peed in the hole. It was a perfectly good hole.
-Steve

[V]ery seldom do you come upon a space, a time like this, between act and act, when you may simply stop and be. Or wonder who, after all, you are.
-Le Guin, The Farthest Shore

Just try every hole... It doesn't hurt when it's exactly in.
-Jessica

I WILL INTERRUPT YOUR BEEFY CORN
-Hamamburglar

I don't think I could eat another one unless I put the whole thing in my mouth and just suck.
-Tina

5 days of wearing long underwear and sweating and not bathing can only mean that things will be good
-Dirty Girl

I'd like to hit that asymptote.
-T&A

i need to take myself for a potty walk ...
i am so gonna get quoted for that
-Duchess

The word "technology" means "magic." It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one.
-Strong Bad

You underestimate my skill at closing my eyes.
-Awesome Smurf

So-called Cupid and Psyche Room
So-called Pompeian Corridor
Vestibule of the room known as the Library
Don't Forget Your Pants
Danger Underfoot
Silence, Outstanding Mass
-Signs around Rome

Yeah, balls are fun.
-Anna

See, you lost me on feces.
-BW

Fiver, come here. I need some lovin'... You dirty, dirty dog!!
-Josh

Sauce of vengeance vs. poop of peace…. The eternal struggle.
-Jon

Not that [Kevin Federline] isn't good looking, just that he's a giant trash nugget.
-Anna

Steve: You do this with your hands.
Josh: Masturbation?
Steve: It involves two people.
Anna: Mutual masturbation!
Josh: Jean jamming!
Everyone: Jean jamming?! What's jean jamming?!
-Playing
Catchphrase (keyword: wrist wrestling, whatever that is)

Button is even better, 'cause it starts with butt!
-Anna

Bush is my emu connection.
-Veeder

Your ass is not moji.
-JK

I'm being forced to hula hoop by my mother.
-Elaine

We've had accidental fartage.
-TW

I'd still just rather smell Chris's balls...
and I bought the duck not the f*ck.
-Tina

The grass is greener where it rains.
-Bell X1

He has a bopping kind of ass.
-Anna

I don't like to see a good sausage go to waste.
-Josh

I'm the creative impotence.
-BW

Buy this car to drive to work
Drive to work to pay for this car
-Metric

You don't need pork to have fun.
-The SA formerly known as BJ

Every time I bite into it, it squirts.
-Tina

I don't wanna be coleslaw. I wanna be pimiento cheese.
-Josh B.

If I could only choose one phrase to describe me at this stage in life it would have to be:
[I] was anything, however not mash.
-JB

If I don't make out with a random girl in a bar soon, I will explode. That's my bread and butter, dude.
-JW

My breasts are for my friends and my friends only.
OK, my breasts are closed for the evening.
-Camille

chienac: me losing english skills by live in the foreign country.
PSUBPV: looks like it
PSUBPV: do you have blond hair now too?
chienac: what does that have to do with english skills?????

My dignity is for sale, and everything must go!
-Jonathon

HR Manager: Hey guys, I'm starting a new club in the office. Do you want to join?
Employee: Um sure, what kind of club is it?
HR Manager: It's a club for people with Wham!'s song "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" stuck in their heads. Congratulations, you are all now members!
-overheardintheoffice.com

I know a girl named Tequila.
And she had a bug eye.
-Anna

I feel like after the way I was treated, I should drown myself in polenta.
-JW, fka BJ

I wasn't sure if you were offering me something as the goddess of the 9.
-Camille

I just remembered I have a pair of shoes that I forgot about! The sad part is that they're in Kankakee.
-Anna

If I was bangs, I would be relaxed bangs.
-Boleslaw

It'll be just like going to football except it won't be football.
-Brian W.

I was trying to come up with a tasteful joke about balls.
-Niko

There should be no balls.
-Camille

psubpv: I would have paid to see your reaction if someone you were out with got naked in a bar
chienac: why, what do you think my reaction would be
psubpv: abject horror combined with uncontrollable laughing

That mannequin really has a penis.
-Anna

Do I gotta stick something somewhere?
-Matt R.

The nuts in my mouth: That's where I knew I was going wrong.
-Che

It kind of smells like purple.
-Avram

I'm obsessed with the Ethiopians.
-Jason

This man is a pig. He is, look at him!
-Vic

Must... eat... watermelon...
-Vic

I want to continue being mad, living my life the way I dream it, and not the way other people want it to be...
We all live in our own world. But if you look up at the starry sky, you'll see that all the different worlds up there combine to form constellations, solar systems, galaxies.
-Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Boat jousting again??
-Adriana

I still have your milk doily [pinwheel].
-CMD

Hey, the guy with the tiara is wearing an assless apron!
-Adriana

What's an ass burger?
-Chris D.

I'd already decided on Summer, so it was too late for Eternity
-Tina

I try to [fart around my husband], but I lose my nerve at the last moment.
-Tina

I guess I'm harboring the wild hope that I don't really look retarded.
-JK

It's humongous. 9 inches. I don't think I can finish it.
-TW

i have 20 some odd music pirates who are pirating music at my behest in over 15 countries.
we all have matching skullcaps.
-Bill Franks

mmmmm... grog. grog is like the diet soda of ancient times.
-Bill Franks

...if I get into a hot tub, I'll streak
-Tina

I wish I could undo my pants
-Tina

revenge dish cold served best.
i never know the order on that one.
-TJ

...your biggest liability is your need to succeed. Your need to always find yourself on the sweet side of the bell curve. Because success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way... [But] when all else fails, there's always delusion. [And] if you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
-Conan O'Brien

too bad they don't have bats so i could hit the little old ladies.
-Mrs. Wright

it's thicker, but I think still too warm to be stiff.
-Chris's wife, in the kitchen where she belongs :P

the toes on my right foot are more dextrous than the ones on my left
-J. Kettle

i don't get along well with divots
-Tina

...to be happy you have to find variety in repetition...
...to go forward you have to come back where you began.
-Eugenides, Middlesex

...your pork tempts me every day. every minute. I can't stop thinking about your pork.
-Tina (who will never be a vegetarian)

...our lives are made of changes we can't control. Letting things happen is good practice.
-Cunningham, A Home at the End of the World

look what happened to my poor pb&j without a protective bread-shaped box!
-Linker

europe is basically the size of australia but australia is even bigger
-Clorky

the only humans that would be called like that would be cats or dogs...
-tomatojon

toot toot, said the little asparagus
-Tina

yeah i was thinking that [i wasn’t there] in the first pic, when it was 2/3 kuat...
then when i saw the second photo, i was like, "hey is that me?  did i go to sanfran over xmas?" 
and then i was like, "no, it's just angela's nephew who looks EXACTLY LIKE ME"
-Chrissy

i hope this soap will make me less retarded. it's "aloe vera"!
-Jon

it’s not that we would choose fondue [over booty] but it’s a choice i’d rather not make. 
honestly while i was in australia, i had wet dreams about cheese.
-TJ

I am a more of a vegetarian than not.  But I do love the bacon...
Some, actually many who marry these Filipina beauties, swear they make the best wives in the world, not only beautiful, but loyal, loving and faithful past death... Because I have been married to three Filipinas, lived here and in the US with the first one, I have a broad perspective... Luckily I am married to a wonderful one now, Ani, as lovely on the inside as the outside.  But the first two were good learning experiences.
-Excerpts from livinginthephilippines.com

The combination of iodine and brine is an exclusive in Switzerland and many, mainly middle-aged and elderly people, love to come to Alpamare because of this extraordinary pool.
-Alpamare website

Lately days all seem the same since I lost my brain
Golden nights will see you through, darker days need glue
-The Delgados

I live by the ocean
And during the night
I dive into it...
And this is where I'm staying
This is my home
-Bjork

just because the milk is in love doesn't mean it won't do funny things to your bowels
-Tina

Work your soul and work your lifetime
without money you can’t buy
Can’t you see
six feet underground?
-Lali Puna

Go, banana!
-Ralph Wiggum

Carry my joy on the left, carry my pain on the right.
-Bjork