Funny suggestions for Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup

Written by participants of the ##crawl IRC channel on Freenode (including Ortoslon), selected and edited by Ortoslon from the "bad ideas" entry of ##crawl's LearnDB database. LearnDB does not record authorship, and many people can edit a single entry.

The late “bad ideas” entry of LearnDB started as a list of rejected feature requests and ended as a dumping ground for ##crawl visitors' tongue-in-cheek suggestions. Here are the best of them:

When the player is confused, the map rotates or flips after every move.

Statue species: blink to get around. Start with Apportation memorized, a book of Spatial Translocations lying one tile away and scrolls of noise to attract monsters until you get to XL2.

Tengu cannot see transparent walls until they collide into them.

Orc non-priests can bow down to Saint Roka as their messiah. Their goal is then to ensure that he gets the Orb and gets out safely.

Fixed chance of instant death on every turn. This allows for precise calibration of game difficulty.

New light armour: bandage. If you die when wearing it, you’ll resurrect as a mummy.

Carnivorous characters can eat small paralyzed monsters alive.

New spell: Turtle Form. Changes your controls to {turn left, turn right, step forward}. Each of these takes a turn.

D:1 bats turn back into vampires if you don’t kill them quickly.

In one out of five games, put Roxanne on top of the Orb of Zot.

Armour acquirements have a chance of summoning a hostile gold dragon.

A unique shapeshifter that shapeshifts between different uniques.

If you enter a unique’s name at the start of a game, you start with their equipment, items and spells.

When you fire an arrow in abyss, there is a chance it will hit your back.

When you hit Tiamat, draconians jiggle out of her.

If you’re undead or mutated, you can’t pick up the silver rune.

Titans bounce their lightnings at you instead of firing them straight.

You can’t change inventory letters of cursed items.

Boots of digging: every step you take, a floor deeper you go.

More challenge for the endgame: the Orb of Zot is an orb of fire that you have to lure back into D:1.

Pythagoras, a unique human who takes √2 turns to move diagonally.

Antique food shops.

Multiple noisy items have conversations in your backpack.

Add scrolls of destroy item to spice up the ID minigame. Make them as common as identify scrolls.

Fights between two rangers with shields of reflection are governed by the rules of tennis.

Replace the food clock with a possibility of uniques hoovering gold and buying cool gear from shops.

DCSS manual available only as an in-game manual book.

Felid ghosts have 9 lives too.

Felids start with a humanoid pet.

Casters teach spells to other monsters in sight.

Erolcha can be generated as part of a two-headed ogre.

“You miscast the javelin throw. You are showered with wood shavings.”

Travel exclusion mimics.

Spider Form gives you fewer than eight legs at low spellpower.

Banished monsters sometimes come back worshipping Lugonu.

Throwing nets of penetration.