Funny suggestions for Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup

part written, part selected, all edited by Ortoslon

The late “bad ideas” entry of LearnDB started as a list of rejected feature requests and ended as a dumping ground for ##crawl visitors' tongue-in-cheek suggestions. Here are the best of them:

“The royal jelly is dead, long live the royal jelly.” (Promote any existing jelly on the level to a new royal jelly.)

Axes of distortion can play loud music.

When the player is confused, the map rotates or flips after every move.

Ettin species: dual wield and worship two gods. AI controls your character every other turn.

If you butcher while confused, you slice a chunk of flesh off yourself.

Trapdoor hydrae.

Statue species: blink to get around. Start with Apportation memorized, a book of Spatial Translocations lying one tile away and scrolls of noise to attract monsters until you get to XL2.

Tengu cannot see transparent walls until they collide into them.

Orc non-priests can bow down to Saint Roka as their messiah. Their goal is then to ensure that he gets the Orb and gets out safely.

Fixed chance of instant death on every turn. This allows for precise calibration of game difficulty.

New light armour: bandage. If you die when wearing it, you’ll resurrect as a mummy.

Facebook integration. The player only meets ghosts of his friends.

Carnivorous characters can eat small paralyzed monsters alive.

New spell: Turtle Form. Changes your controls to {turn left, turn right, step forward}. Each of these takes a turn.

Nagas’ tail extends each time they eat permafood. Bumping into their own tail is fatal (“Why would you want to do that?”)

Multiple oklobs follow the Game of Life rules.

Orb of quicksave.

Teach basics of the probability theory in the manual.

Vampires with an amulet of gourmand give preference to particular blood groups.

Kamikaze casters who miscast level 9 spells near you.

Electric eels become whips of electrocution after you kill them.

Telefrags.

Unique kobold with a weapon of draining that shows up early on D:1 if you’re on a streak. This kobold is a unique unique in that it looks just like any other kobold until it kills you.

New “irony” game option that makes sure you receive great but inappropriate weapons and armour. (Maybe the option should be to turn this off.)

Give transmuters a new nose-picking command when they memorize Blade Hands.

Balls that can be thrown to catch monsters, which can then be forced to fight for you.

Autoexplore is a level 1 Translocation spell that causes maprot on miscast.

IKEA shops: you pay for a lajatang and get a quarterstaff, two scimitars and sticky tape.

D:1 bats turn back into vampires if you don’t kill them quickly.

When you kill a jelly with sticky flame, it becomes a delicious crème brûlée.

In one out of five games, put Roxanne on top of the Orb of Zot.

Temporary summons leave edible corpses which disappear in your stomach and leave you starving. “Purple smoke pours from your ass.”

Being seduced and killed by a siren rewards the player with ASCII porn after his chardump.

Armour acquirements have a chance of summoning a hostile gold dragon.

A unique shapeshifter that shapeshifts between different uniques.

Acid reflux mutation: reuse the effect of the last drank potion with the cost of some acid damage.

Let players save their lives with quarters. This idea will eventually make the developers into millionares.

If you enter a unique’s name at the start of a game, you start with their equipment, items and spells.

When you fire an arrow in abyss, there is a chance it will hit your back.

Jellies can burn through the floor and appear on the next level. Sometimes they land right on your head. Get used to your new cursed helmet. At least you make Jiyva happy.

When you hit Tiamat, draconians jiggle out of her.

If you’re undead or mutated, you can’t pick up the silver rune.

The more sheep that are within the line of sight, the greater the odds of one casting a sleep spell on you.

Titans bounce their lightnings at you instead of firing them straight.

“Unseen horrors” are renamed to “seen horrors” if you can see invisible.

You can’t change inventory letters of cursed items.

Deep elves, like their deep dwarf bretheren, do not regenerate.

Spriggans can wear gloves as body armor.

Boots of digging: every step you take, a floor deeper you go.

More challenge for the endgame: the Orb of Zot is an orb of fire that you have to lure back into D:1.

Accupuncture needles for blowguns that heal the target.

Pythagoras, a unique human who takes √2 turns to move diagonally.

Antique food shops.

Multiple noisy items have conversations in your backpack.

Tomb card creates slimy walls at low power.

New replacement branch for Vaults: Volts. Signature threat? Nikola packs.

Wands of draining clear out bodies of water.

Minivault and branch importers from Dwarf Fortress and Minecraft.

Add scrolls of destroy item to spice up the ID minigame. Make them as common as identify scrolls.

Fights between two rangers with shields of reflection are governed by the rules of tennis.

Replace the food clock with a possibility of uniques hoovering gold and buying cool gear from shops.

DCSS manual available only as an in-game manual book.

Felid ghosts have 9 lives too.

Felids start with a humanoid pet.

Casters teach spells to other monsters in sight.

“A tear in reality is devoured by Cerebov!”

Erolcha can be generated as part of a two-headed ogre.

Replace stairs in the Crypt with more accessible ramps.

Trolls can never be satiated above “hungry”.

All Hexes are level 6.

New Transmutations spell: Plant Form. At low levels, it merely functions as a disguise (as long as you’re not in line of sight of any monsters when you transform). At maximum level, you turn into an oklob.

Amulet of Conversation {Curse Noisy}. Looks identical to an amulet of conservation until worn.

Emperor’s New Clothes: a high AC modifier that is not displayed to the user. Miscasts are not discernable. Wearing body armor cancels the effect.

Sticks to Snakes on a staff of poison summons Aizul.

“You miscast the javelin throw. You are showered with wood shavings.”

Polymorph both Dowan and Duvessa into slime creatures and get them to merge.

Replace the vault guards on V:8 with boggarts.

Travel exclusion mimics.

Spider Form gives you fewer than eight legs at low spellpower.

Banished monsters sometimes come back worshipping Lugonu.

Throwing nets of penetration.