Carlsgood New Mexico 


Formerly Carlsbad New Mexico


Carlsgood is a small city in the country of New Mexico. Famous for its extraordinarily special holes in the ground, Carlsgood is a hotbed for foreign tourists who dislike the sun. Founded in 1835 as Carl’s bad, New Mexico, the town was named after a local farmer who accidentally set off a war with local Native American tribes when he sneezed on the local chief’s daughter. There were no survivors. This became known as the Carlsbad Massacre for short. The desolate and unused desert land became known as Carlsbad, New Mexico.

The absolute lack of anybody there actually turned into a blessing when in 1939 the US government decided to use Carlsbad caverns (said the be the spot of the infamous sneezing) to hide 13 nuclear missile silos and as a dumping ground for its nuclear waste. Military servicemen and their families moved into the area to supervise the silos and dumping hole (which would come to be known as the whip site, for all the whippings administered to employees who did not follow proper safety procedures when dumping nuclear waste.) The servicemen decided to rename their new city from Carlsbad to Carlsgood, since it was a damn good thing nobody lived there.

Years later, after the end of the Cold war, the Whip Site and Carlsbad caverns became a popular tourist attraction after all the leaking nuclear waste illuminated the beautiful geographic formations in the caverns. To these days tourists marvel at the glowing stalagmite and stalactites dropping with uranium infused heavy water. Some say the caverns are haunted by the ghost of old Carl, and if you listen real hard, you can still hear the sneeze heard round the world. In 1989, as part of the National Parks Renaming Act passed by the 176th congress, Carl’s bad caverns were renamed to Carl’s Good caverns.

The town of Carlsgood itself now boasts a population of over 30,000 horrifically deformed nuclear abominations – the former servicemen and their families who were mutated by prolonged exposure to nuclear waste. The town became a haven for the twisted and deformed, including 156 survivors of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster and one guy who stubbed his toe running away from the incident on Three Mile Island.

Carlsgood Tourism and Industry 

Local industry is focused around tourism, with local lead-reinforced and shielded motels and hotels, as well as hazmat suit rentals for those who wish to explore the caves. Although Carlsgood is used as a US military dumping site, it is in the country of New Mexico, so you will have to exchange your currency to the local denomination. The going exchange rate is one dollar for sixteen New Mexican Pesos. (Not to be confused with old Mexican Pesos.)

 Carlsgood also is a hot vacation spot for spelunkers, cavers, and tourists in the southwest. A short stay has been shown to have only minimal effects on travelers, but it is not recommended that you stay more than a week, or visit more than twice in your lifetime. There are many local bars and resturants to eat at. The best times to visit are during the local Carlsbad Sneezing festival, where young children are encouraged to reinact the Carlsbad Massacre and subsequent history of Carlsgood. 

Visitors are allowed to take one chunk of glowing rock from the caverns each, so long as it stays within its protective container.