To get "UNSTUCK"
Don't let this tittle scare you. Maybe there are things you can relate to. Remember that gender is interchangeable,
Brainstorming a lot on ways to get some of you "unstuck". I see the dynamics many of you are enduring in my mind, but putting it into type is yet another challenge for me. There are many varying circumstances that keep each of you in the bond for different reasons, long after he is gone. I'm learning that much of deep and focused healing on yourselves means three things: Responsibility, CHOICE and perspective. I'll share what that looks like: Responsibility: taking responsibility for YOUR participation in the relationship, what was missing that the psychopath targeted, and the reasons are many, the dynamics you participated in that hurt yourself and/or others, and what you can do now to take responsibility for your life now that isn't' about HIM. CHOICE: To believe we are not capable of being captain's of our own ships with regards to choices we make in our lives now, is to remain a VICTIM. Yes, I know, he ripped you off, he broke your heart, he raped your soul, your body and your mind and your aftermath is full of what he left you without closure, but it is YOUR choice now how you respond to it and HOW you handle it. Turn your life into a SOLUTION. Yes, I know it SUCKS what he did to you and it's just not FAIR, right? You can choose to think that way, but that keeps you stuck in the bond, the ruminating, the bitterness, sense of injustice and rage. Yes, it's unfair that he left you with this mess to clean up, but a little bit of RESPONSIBILITY and CHOICE can change that with a dash of SOLUTION. Ok, so what choices will you make to clean up what YOU are responsible for? And if you ARE left with some of his mess, what are YOU going to do to clean that up too? Perspective: How you view what happened can come from two different perspectives, no matter WHAT your circumstances are: You can continue to see yourself as HIS victim or you can see yourself as your own CHAMPION. Women spend a lot of time in denial or stuck in anger at this stage of development. Even with situations such as shared children and/or business, your perceptions, thus REACTIONS to him, determine whether or not you wish to remain his victim. This doesnt' mean the psychopath will not work hard to torture you further, and in fact, for some of you, the stronger you get, the less you react, at least initially, the MORE he will attempt to destroy your strength. As long as you perceive him as the VICTOR ("he gets away with everything!), he will have power in your life. CHANGE your perspective: Yes, he gets away with much because he has no conscience and he's a very sick person, and he's going to do what he's going to do, but I have a LIFE I WANT TO LIVE NOW AND I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I CAN BE IN CHARGE OF: And THAT is your perspective. How much of how he affects you now is that you allow him too? He recreates the bond over and over by doing something slimy and sneaky, triangulating others in your life, including the children. What perspective can you take on that means he has less power and that you have MORE, no matter what slimy, sneaky thing HE is doing? Trying to fight with, convince, share, tell, order, complain, whine, REACT to a psychopath, means he still has the power. Every grievance that you share with him, even in anger, gives him power, TELLS him, LITERALLY what to keep doing that bothers you, and therefore he does it, subsequently triggering you, keeping you a victim and never moving forward with your life.
You CAN, CAN, CAN get distance. The excuses women and men make for keeping EMOTIONAL contact, including the children, because the psychopath continues to recreate the trauma bond, are amazing. Do you realize that this is what is happening? He only has as much POWER as you PERCEIVE he has. I can't tell you how important this is. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
Ok, quick review here: RESPONSIBILITY, CHOICE and PERSPECTIVE. THESE THREE THINGS, when implemented into your healing process, WILL move you forward. Let's see if we can make this happen together. Let's get you UNSTUCK! It IS your choice, it really is! EMPOWER YOURSELVES and you will find MUCH support her for your continued effort, courage and strength in moving forward, all you need to have right now, is the DESIRE and MOTIVATION to change. ♥ ♥
DENIALWith all the disassembling of myself and people from my life that I have had to do, there are times I feel overwhelmed.
It can make you feel totally alone when all the toxic stuff is gone.
It's like tearing down an old house, and being left with nothing but the
foundation to build up. In one year, things look and feel incredibly
different. I look back, and see the strength it has been in literally gutting myself and my life.
Sometimes, a free floating anxiety sets in because everything I was use
too is gone. While the peace feels wonderful, and I know I'm moving in
the right direction, and I know these decisions for me were right, it
still feels like so much loss. There are times during pain when I think
"Denial was so much better than this!" At least I had my man, my kids,
Denial is a very powerful thing. It's a nice
cozy warm blanket in a house and life full of abuse. It's an over
intellectualizing of what doesn't' make sense, my utopian space. It's
amazing, when I look back now, how I could intellectualize everything
into a nice, neat little package with a bow on top! I didn't want to
face the truth, so I ran from it and my running meant I OVER analyzed
it. If I could do that, then I didn't have to look at the pain I would
have to face if I let go of the toxic elements and people in my life. I
wouldn't have to look at the roots, the reasons, myself. So I ran.
After the relationship was over, I continued to run. Ok, so it was a
little harder to intellectualize it all, but hey! That's what rumination
is for! Again, trying to make sense of nonsense. Trying to make sense
of what IS and nothing more. Avoiding the truth again, the root, what
got me there, and the intense pain in the form of anger and obsessing in
the aftermath to avoid pain and the major decisions I needed to make to
become healthy. It wasn't just getting the pathological out of my life.
There was more. And then there was me to deal with.
Intellectualizing didn't work anymore. My heart caught up and the pain
burst through. I was completely broken. I was avoiding grief. I feared
pain. I wanted to hang onto my intellectualizing, denial and ruminating
because as long as I did that, I was still in the familiar with drama
and chaos. I was still holding onto him and the false promise. Even in
anger. Ruminating allowed me to stay in it. It was another form of
denial. Telling myself I was fine, was denial. Telling myself that I had
lived a life of pathology and that I had healed, but had really
repressed, was denial. Distracting myself with scholarly pursuits and
telling myself I was free of him, finally so I could move on, missed the
whole point of being broken. It was denial.
Denial is very
powerful. It prevented choice. It kept me stuck. It kept me toxic. I did
everything I could to resist doing what would be the very thing that
would heal me: face the truth of the pain. face the truth of the
relationship and all the damage it caused to myself and others. face the
pain of changes that I needed to make within. face the root of why I
was involved and pull it up and out of my life.
When I look back at what was lost, denial looks tempting, but even if I tried, I couldn't engage in it anymore.
It's a very strange feeling, really. Wanting to run back, but knowing
that the only way to run now, is forward. Nothing is familiar now, so on
the days I dare to think I miss what was, I keep in mind that what I am
missing is what is FAMILIAR, because when I think about being in that
place of denial, it wasn't at all utopian and I knew I would forever run
in place there, but it's all I knew. It's understandable why survivors
stay stuck. It is very scary to let go of the familiar, to say a
permanent goodbye to him and the past, but there is no other way to
healing. You cannot skip anything in the process. It's just another form
The universe has a way of stopping you in your tracks and shaking the denial out of you. :)
So much for intellectualizing everything. Unfortunately, it doesn't
work when the heart catches up. Intellectualizing was my defense
mechanism. It was a way for me to cut off what I was feeling, it allowed
me to run.
I guess it feels different to have my heart attached to me now.
Some things just can't be intellectualized, analyzed to death.
I have learned that sometimes, things or people don't make sense and it
is what it is, but using intellectualizing to avoid the pain of what
was done or my part or to prevent myself from FEELING, worked for a very
Until I ran into something that made no sense. The last psychopath.
It wasn't until I stopped intellectualizing, when I was so sick from my
denial, that the pain was allowed to come through, the reality of the
roots before me to pull. The pain of betrayal of self and other to face.
Not very scholarly, is it?
What broke my denial, is that I
could no longer make sense of nonsense. I couldn't analyze what just IS.
I couldn't intelllectualize myself out of pain. There was nothing to
wrap my mind around about the toxic person I was with, HE JUST IS. And
so is the fallout and pain that is the aftermath.
I still find
myself intellectualizing. Because this was such a huge defense
mechanism for me, I work really hard on just FEELING what goes through
Intellectually speaking, lol, denial is SO MUCH BETTER,
but when I allow my heart to stay involved in the process, I know that
it's not true. Very strange place to be indeed, steeped in the
unfamiliar, working through pain, pulling up roots.
The familiar no longer works.
Onward and upward!