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One Bad Washingtonian Apple

posted Nov 19, 2012, 8:14 AM by brownzameer   [ updated Nov 19, 2012, 7:59 PM ]
In the past four years of living here I’ve noticed that the reputation of Washingtonians going out of their way to help strangers and for being uber-nice is definitely justified. It’s not uncommon to have the person ahead of you in line pay for your coffee, have a door held open for you, and I now expect to see that enthusiastic waving of the hand every time I let somebody in when driving. I guess I’m kind of spoiled, because when someone pulls a move that even remotely smells like dick, it quickly jumps out at me. But the story I am about to relay is so far beyond smelling like dick (it’s definitely dick and at least one ball), that I’m not even sure what my next course of action should be. So I’ll leave it to you, my faithful reader(s) to decide.

Allow me to first set the scene…

We live in a modern yet relatively quaint apartment complex. Our neighbors are all pretty friendly and generally exchange pleasantries in common areas. We have been happily going about our lives in this complex for the past three years until that all changed recently when our world began crashing in around us. We didn’t get bed bugs, our place wasn’t overcome by mold, no this is much worse. Someone started FOLDING IN THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR ON MY CAR.

My parking spot is located right next to a wall (exhibit a). 

This is not a sanctioned walkway. Sure some may use it as a walkway, but it is definitely not a sanctioned walkway, as the sanctioned walkways are all denoted by painted crosshatched lines. To be clear, I don’t even care that people use it as a walkway, in fact, I’d use it as a walkway if I had to, but one thing I wouldn’t do under any circumstances, is FOLD IN THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR ON SOMEONE’S CAR (exhibit b). My mother just didn’t raise me like that.

Let’s first analyze what’s wrong with FOLDING IN OF THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR:
1) The person—which from here on out will now refer to as the suspect—is actually touching my personal property, which they have no right to do.
2) It’s actually not super easy to fold in the mirror, which means it requires a certain amount of force. So not only is the suspect handling my property, I have no idea if they’re using kid gloves or bare-fisting the mirror.

What possible conclusions can we draw about the suspect?
a. The suspect is fat
b. The suspect is carrying something cumbersome…every single day
c. The suspect doesn’t respect other people’s property (OPP)
d. The suspect is pregnant (see conclusion a. above)
e. The suspect doesn’t actually need the extra space and is just being spiteful dick (or vagina if the suspect is female)

Oh and I forgot to mention the most unsettling part this travesty: The suspect DOESN’T UNFOLD THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR AFTER FOLDING IN THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR.

What possible conclusions can we draw about the suspect’s NON-UNFOLDING OF THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR:
1) The suspect is an ASSHOLE 

Look, the car is old and I don’t actually care that people touch it, but the part that really chaps my hide is that the suspect DOESN’T UNFOLD THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR AFTER FOLDING IN THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR.

Rather than play the role of defenseless victim, I decided to do something about it. I thought I’d take a humorous approach that also delivered my message, so I taped a sign to the mirror (exhibit c). 



Satisfied with my witty wordsmithing, I thought maybe the suspect would leave a message of their own apologizing for their actions. I ended up being partially right in that the suspect did leave a message of their own (exhibit d).

While the suspect’s response didn’t use witty wordsmithing, or any words at all for that matter, I got their message loud and clear: Let’s Dance

Never one to give up on the high road, which I’m convinced is also the road less traveled, I decided to craft a more direct sign that still retained some wit (exhibit e).


I taped this new note to the mirror on the off chance that I wasn’t dealing with an ASSHOLE OF THE EXTREME VARIETY. This was their response (exhibit f).

At this point, I’m at a loss as to what to do next. The options are a-plenty, so this is where you come in. I need your advice. I’ve spent many a night contemplating my next move, and the one conclusion I’ve come to brought to mind a line from Training Day, “The shit’s chess, it ain’t checkers.” I need to be thinking several moves ahead of my opponent (the ASSHOLE OF THE EXTREME VARIETY). I’m not interested in winning the battle, I want the whole GD war.

Keeping that in mind, here are some of the options for my next move:

1) Craft a new witty-less non-wordsmithed sign that has threatening and maybe even terrorist undertones to it (I’m also open to using overtones if your opinion is that undertones won’t suffice given the severity of the situation)
2) Use Caution Tape covered in honey to make the non-walkway inaccessible
3) Find out which car the suspect drives and FOLD IN THE SUSPECT’S DRIVER SIDE MIRROR (weekly, daily, hourly, whatever…)
4) Take a picture of the suspect in the act and put up a new sign featuring said picture that shows the suspect FOLDING IN THE DRIVER SIDE MIRROR
5) Catch the suspect in the act and confront them (possibly while wearing a mask and/or cape)
6) Taze the suspect and, while the suspect lays temporarily incapacitated/humiliated, bestow upon them a lecture that includes a PowerPoint deck illustrating proper application of the golden rule and origins of the tazer (I’m also open to documenting this and releasing the footage as the major motion picture follow up to An Inconvenient Truth)
7) Find out who the suspect is and arrange a cake to be “accidentally” thrown in their face (should we choose this option, we can discuss cake flavor and frosting variety later)
8) Put blood on the mirror
9) Put a piece of shit on the mirror
10)Put a piece of bloody shit on the mirror
11)Put a used hypodermic needle on the mirror
12)Put a piece of bloody shit with a used hypodermic needle sticking out of it on the mirror

No matter which option I choose, I will not rest until we have achieved resolution, and ideally a little bit of spite. Please advise.
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