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Not Even Close


This song is my first attempt to write under a strict deadline. I submitted it as a shadow entry to the SpinTunes competition, which prescribed a challenge to be completed in 8 days or less. Turns out I was done in 3, so that gives me confidence for future contest entries. First competition, round 3: "Write a sad song about birth, a moment that is normally a happy moment, and make it a real tear jerker. You can't use the words 'Happy' or 'Birthday'." Well, as in my previous "sad" song, She Said, I seem to have a problem going full gloom. I tried to balance out the levity inherent in the subject matter with a healthy dose of depression.

There's tons of credit to go around for this one. First, my wife was immensely helpful during the brainstorming stage. Together, we worked out the subject matter during a 30-minute walk, where I likely would have spent a couple days figuring out what to write about. She also gave good perspective into places where my lyrics were too vague and cleared up the meaning. Musically, there's all kinds of influences here. Duran Duran, George Michael, Rob Thomas, Brian Setzer...I'm even pretty sure the melody in the verses was influenced by Jekyll & Hyde by Frank Wildhorn. I was pretty proud of the half-step modulation going into the chorus until I noticed it's just a IV/VI, transitioning from E minor to C major. Nothing to see here.

Please give some of your time and traffic to SpinTunes and listen to the other contest participants. There's a great collection of songwriters over there, and lots of good music to explore.


    "doesn’t really meet the ‘sad’ requirement of the challenge"
            -- Heather Zink

    "The challenge was not to write a funny song"
            -- Julia Sherred

    "instant DQ"
            -- Dr. Lindyke

"I have NO idea who Brian is."
            -- Joe "Covenant" Lamb

[Verse 1]
Best day ever. Everybody says this ought to be
The best day ever. Behold a brand new baby boy for me,
A miracle for me.

She said they're over, ancient history, so long ago.
She swore they're over, but wanting to believe don't make it so.
It don't make it so.

That's not my hair. That's not my nose.
I don't have gills or scales, antennae, purple skin, or sixteen toes.
His mother says he's got my double chin. Ok, that's something I suppose,
But he doesn't have my eyes, not even close.

[Verse 2]
A flying saucer, a contest lost before it had begun.
He owns a saucer, and spare vacation home around the sun
At Lagrange point number one.

Persuasive speaker, seducing governments around the globe.
Hypnotic speaker, enticing her that underneath his robe
Is not just a probe.

That's not my hair. That's not my nose.
He's got these backward-jointed elbows, and his belly-button glows.
His mother has the nerve to claim she thinks that he resembles me the most,
But he doesn't have my eyes, not even close.

[Verse 3]
He's waiting outside. I'm in here where angels fear to tread.
I'm headed outside, gently kissing Kghlaghluhkhlah on the head.
A goodbye kiss on the head.

We pass each other. I'm glaring at his stupid double chin.
We eye each other. I step out of the life he's stepping in,
As a new life begins.

That's not my hair. That's not my nose.
My teeth don't lengthen when I'm hungry. Holy...what the hell are those?!?
His mother thinks that stuff that he exudes is cute. It's really kind of gross,
And he doesn't have my eyes...