Poems

Walking With My Wobbly Willie

 

Walking with my wobbly willie

Round about the park

All the doggies in the place

Greet me with a bark

They like to sniff my willie

Wobbly thou he is

And my old wobbly willie

Thinks it is the biz

They hop and skip and dance about

Asking him to play

And my old wobbly willie

Hops about all day

He knows all the doggie tricks

Even sits and begs

And my old wobbly willie

Has only got three legs

 

Woof woof!

 

Don’t Get Caught By The Ghoulies

 

Don’t go out in the dead of night

Unless you’re prepared to quake

For as the darkness smothers the light

Nasty things awake

Not badgers, stoats, moths and rats

Or even weasels or shrews

But ghosts, werewolves and vampire bats

Things that will make you poo

 

Ghosts emerging out of the ground

Will freeze your blood to ice

Werewolves leaping without a sound

Will bite and slash and slice

Vampire bats will suck at your throat

And drain your blood away

And beware the witch with midnight cloak

She’ll fill you with dismay

 

So dreadful things are waiting for you

If you go out at night

Things to scare you through and through

Phantoms, ghosts and wights

But whilst these things are really bad

And might give you the hoolies

Whatever else you do my lad

Don’t get caught by the ghoulies


It’s not rude

 

Willie, poo, fart and bum

Are words we shouldn’t say

But I think that’s really dumb

Coz we use them every day

 

I have a willie

I use it to wee

That’s not being silly

Surely you can see

 

And everybody poos

If not we would explode

That’s why we have loos

To help us to unload

 

And surely fart can’t be rude

It just describes a noise

I know you think we’re being crude

But we’re just being boys

 

And there can’t be anything wrong with bum

It’s such a little word

To think it’s anything else but fun

Is just being absurd

 

So come on now, make your day

And stop being so glum

All you have to do is say

Willie, poo, fart and bum

 

 

 

Luverly booterful great fat Teresa

 

I is a giant, me name’s Ebenezer

This is me girlfriend, ‘er name’s Teresa

I luvs me Teresa and wants ta please ‘er

So I likes to hug and kiss and squeeze ‘er

And sometimes when I grabs to seize ‘er

I trips ‘er up, just to tease ‘er

But what does really really please ‘er

Me luverly booterful fat Teresa

Is eatin’ lots of human geezers

So I pops ‘em in ‘er mouth with tweezers

But tis fiddly work so I goes ta freezer

And cooks us up a geezer pizza


The Very Hungry Cafe Pillar

 

One night in a cafe down our street

A pillar appeared beside a seat

The owner opened up next morning

And thought he might still be snoring

He looked at it and scratched his head

Then went to the kitchen to bake the bread

 

When granny bought a cup of tea

She sat by the pillar quite innocently

All of a sudden a mouth gapped wide

With hundreds of pointy teeth inside

There was a ghastly noise like chomgulp burrrrpolley

And all that was left was her shopping trolley

 

At 9 o’clock a workman came in

With bumper breakfast he sat with a grin

Again the pillar’s mouth opened wide

(You could still see granny’s hat inside)

The workman struggled, he put up a fight

But his head, body, then legs slipped inside

 

And so the pillar munched its way

Through all who came to eat that day

It crunched and slurped with tremendous vigour

And just grew bigger, bigger and bigger

Its appetite could not be sated

And very soon it was quite inflated

 

This is what it took to fill her

That very hungry cafe pillar:

 

One bloke called Ben

Two ninjabreadmen

Three horsebacked lancers

Four morris dancers

Five maths teachers

Six catholic preachers

Seven wig makers

Eight pig shakers

Nine office workers

Ten Viking beserkers

Eleven Samurai

And a large pork pie

 

As the pie slid down with a slurp

The pillar let out a massive burp

It ignored the Jedi that strutted in

It couldn’t eat another thing

At last it was completely stuffed

And went to sleep feeling chuffed


Now, whilst the pillar peacefully slept

Out the owner carefully crept

He bound the pillar up with tape

So the mouth could no longer gape

And there it slept without a care

Until the tape began to tear

 

It ripped and split and fell asunder

To reveal an awesome, spectacular wonder

For that huge and hungry cafe pillar

That enormous, ravenous, manic killer

Had transformed into a butterfly

Actually (like the rest of this tale!) that’s an utter lie.

 

 

 

Don’t go into the swamp

 

Don’t go into the swamp my lad

Unless you know your good from bad

For some within are good and fair

But others will fill you with despair

The evil beasts within the swamp

Will crush you – splat - beneath their stomp

Disguised to look just like the good

They’ll chop you up for firewood

But I’ll teach you, for a modest fee

The differences there are to see

If you insist upon this quest

I’ll help you for a Perky Pest

You’ll find one in the deepest swamp

Where the Buttburps rant and romp

So, to enter the swamp and yet survive

To crawl out again, still half alive

You must learn this rhyme by rote

Or end up inside a Snaggled Goat

So mark you well....

 

A Fleet is like a Bleet

But with super swift feet

 

Zutts are like shmutts

With polka dotted butts

 

Gloobies are like Hoobies

But with very sticky boobies

 

Stinkies are like Pinkies

With extremely smelly winkies

 

A Bobabout is like a Clout

With a blow up snotty snout

 

A fooeefoop is a gloop

That does really pongy poop

 

A Jabbercraw looks like a Glor

But has an overactive jaw

 

A Fluttaeer is a Sneer

With one enormous flapping ear

 

A Tooter is like a Snooter

With a very tuneful hooter

 

A Shafter is a Grafter

With rather manic laughter

 

The Deadly Flail is a snail

With a whippy spiky tail    

 

Bambaloos are just like shnoos

But with violently explosive poos

 

A Reekee is a Sneakee

With toxic, pungent peepee

 

A Yummy is a Mummy

With an oversized tummy

 

Peewees are like Fleewees

That do really stinky weewees

 

And Sneez are like Wheez

But with boggies on their knees

 

So now you know your good from bad

Into the swamp with you my lad

But don’t forget my Perky Pest

Or you’ll soon regret this silly quest

For you will spend the rest of time

Rotting in my tummy slime

 

 

Lymerics

 

There was a young boy who ate glue

Which is something that you just shouldn’t do

It doesn’t taste yummy

Gets stuck in your tummy

And then you can’t do a poo

 

 

There was a young boy called Nobby

Who had a very strange hobby

Whilst some like to fish

Or dance with a swish

He like to do a big jobby

 

 

Who Make the Best Mess

 

Jess made less mess than Tess

Tess made less mess than Ness

Ness, Jess and Tess made less mess than Bess

Bess made the best mess I guess

 

 

Loodle the Poodle

 

Loodle the poodle

Eats oodles of noodles

All served on a silver platter

She eats them for lunch

Tea, dinner and brunch

And just gets fatter and fatter

 

 

Mum

 

Mum was glum

With a very sore bum

After going to a riotous party

She ate too many things

Including baked beans

That made her incredibly farty

She doesn’t feel well

Because of the smell

And her bottom feels awfully smarty

 

 

The Clown

 

The train went to town without the clown

Who was left at the station in his dressing gown

He didn’t know whether to come or go

Ran around and stubbed his toe

He hopped about, forward and back

Lost his balance and fell on the track

He couldn’t get up, he was far too fat

Until a train rattled in and squashed him flat

 

 

Angus McPhee

 

Angus McPhee liked to wee

He liked to wee a lot

It was something he’d done all his life

Since he was a tiny tot

If ever caught short

He’d often resort

To weeing wherever he could

But he was always polite

And stayed out of sight

On this he was very good

He’d often wee

Behind a tree

But sometimes he just could not

If stuck in a car

He’d wee in a jar

Or Granny’s best flower pot

 

 

Foxgloves

 

Foxgloves, foxgloves

Them’s the flowers I loves

I know that’s not grammatic

But I really really does

 

 

Lance from France

 

Lance from France

Loved to dance

Given the chance

He’d set his stance

And prance

And prance and prance

 

 

I Love to Sing

 

Ding ding I love to sing

It is my favourite thing

Ting ting tring a ling

Like a bell my voice doth ring

It makes me feel just like a king

As my heart takes wing

But if that birdy shows me up

Its scrawny neck I’ll wring

 

 

 

William Wustard

 

William Wustard

Lusted for mustard custard

But grew fluster and blustered

When all of his spoons rusted

 

 

Marching Band

 

Marching marching

We are a marching band

Marching marching

We march across the land

Marching marching

We march from here to there

Marching marching

For carnival or fair

Marching marching

It is the marching season

Marching marching

We need no other reason

Marching marching

We march for football fans

Marching marching

They love their marching bands

Marching marching

Why is it the thing we do?

Marching marching

We haven’t got a clue

 

 

Right or wrong?

 

Black black black black

Black black white

Lots of people say it’s wrong

But that doesn’t make them right

 

Red red red red

Red red blue

Many people say it’s false

But that doesn’t make it true

 

Black white black white

Black white grey

What is good? What is bad?

Who are we to say?

 

Yellow blue yellow blue

Yellow blue green

Is it really right or wrong

Or something in between?

 

Mixed Quotes

 

Boat gloats in coat

Goat floats in moat

Mixed quotes I note

 

 

Cats

 

Pappy cat, sappy cat

Curls up in your lappy cat

Chappy cat, happy cat

Never in a flappy cat

 

Kitty cat, gritty cat

Out about the city cat

Pretty cat, witty cat

Sing us a little ditty cat

 

Murky cat, lurky cat

Would you like some turkey cat?

Perky cat, jerky cat

You’re really kind of quirky cat

 

Bertie cat, dirty cat

Really shouldn’t squirty cat!

Blurty cat, flirty cat

Sometimes a little shirty cat

 

Marty cat, hearty cat

Really was a farty cat

Tarty cat, smarty cat

Always at the party cat

 

Jerry cat, dairy cat

Lots of cream, a merry cat

Kerry cat, wary cat

Very much a scaredy cat

 

Billy cat, silly cat

Likes to wear a frilly hat

Willy cat, chilly cat

Stuck upon the hilly cat

 

Chalkie cat, sulky cat

A little over bulky cat

Charley cat, gnarly cat

Likes to ride a Harley cat

 

Jossy cat, bossy cat

Always leads the posse cat

Flossy cat, dossy cat

But very very glossy cat

 

Jim cat, slim cat

Always neat and trim cat

Brin cat, twin cat

Brother of Flyn cat

 

Lee cat, he cat

Very smelly wee cat

Dee cat, me cat

Likes to drink some tea cat

 

Matt cat, that cat

Often has a chat cat

Pat cat, fat cat

All he did was sat cat

 

 

 

Sidney the Rabbit

 

Sidney the rabbit

Had a very bad habit

For he liked to smoke a pipe

It’s not as bad as it seems

For he filled it with beans

But it did makes his farts quite ripe

 

 

 

Jeff the Fish

 

Jeff the fish was a dish

Or so he’d heard them say

He thought it mean't he’d have to fight

To keep the girls away

Yes, he thought, I am a dish

I really am a winner

But all that they had really meant

Was he’d make a tasty dinner!

 

 

 

Albert the Baby

 

Albert the baby

Was driving me crazy

With his constant crying all day

I’d walked the floor

Banged my head on the door

But his wailing was there to stay

Then I gave him a drink

He faded to pink

And finally was silent – hooray!!

 

 

 

Gus the Gorilla

 

Gus the gorilla

Was writing a thriller

Full of drama and strife

It was a curious chiller

With a kindly killer

Seeking a cure for his wife

He murdered the miller

And made him pie filler

By chopping him up with his knife

But the pie made her iller

And finally stiller

That pie was the end of her life.

 

 

Poor Clare

 

All the children teased poor Clare

Which really was quite unfair

Maybe they should have called her Roy

After all she was a boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chicken Nuggets

 

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

They are our favourite thing

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

Made from bits of string

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

They’re the thing mum seeks

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

Made of mashed up beaks

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

They really have no flaws

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

Made from smashed up claws

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

There can surely be no buts

Chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets

Made from slurry and guts

 

 

 

Song to the tune of “They Swam and They Swam all Over the Dam”

 

I once knew a cat, his name was Fred

He used to sit at the end of my bed

He’d pounce on my toes and give them a bite

It used to give me such a fright

 

I once knew a monkey, his name was Flynn

He was terribly terribly thin

He threw his bananas in the air

And couldn’t peal his prickly pear

 

I once knew a mouse, his name was Squire

He really was an awful liar

He use to claim that he could speak

But all he could do was squeak, squeak, squeak

 

I once knew an elephant, her name was Mindy

She was really really windy

She’d eat nothing but beans all the day

And then at night blow the duvet away

 

Now I’ve come to the end of my song

Because my friends have all gone

When I grew up I forgot to dream

And now my friends are never seen

 

Maisy Moo

 

Maisy Moo did a poo

On the farmer’s shoe

Silly girl Maisy Moo

Now you’re in the stew

 

Quest for the Minotaur’s Head

 

How many days I’d been lost in that maze

I didn’t like to think

As the bright sun rays brought me out of my daze

I couldn’t help but blink

 

To kill was my chore, the great Minotaur

That lived in that dark labyrinth

Its head I now bore down to the shore

To sail to my sweet Blabber Nymph

 

It was she that decreed that I take on this deed

To prove I was worthy to wed

My friends I did plead to help in my need

Now they lie broken and dead

 

With the head in the boat I try to push it afloat

Without any crew to help

I stink like a goat and am dry in the throat

As I finally push free from the kelp

 

Gods hear my pleas, I just need a breeze

To speed me onto my love

But my love is a tease and I fear she will squeeze

My heart in her fine laced glove

 

For I feel deep inside that she has lied

To get me to kill off her foe

My friends have all died to keep her satisfied

Deep down this is something I know

 

But a spell she has cast and my heart is held fast

There is nothing more I can try

I slump down the mast and think of the past

As over the waves I fly

 

We had sailed at our leisure and I’d dreamt of my pleasure

At fulfilling my nymph’s set quest

Just for good measure she’d told us of treasure

To reward us all for our test

 

Piles of gold, or so we were told

Were hidden within the maze

But it was spine chilling cold and carpets of mould

That met our horrified gaze

 

Our torches did spark as we crept through the dark

The smoke stinging our eyes

It all became stark, what had started a lark

Might sour if one of us dies

 

A scream from the rear had us turning in fear

To see we were now one less

The beast wore a sneer as he thrust in his spear

To erupt through poor Leon’s chest

 

As he slumped to the ground, blood pooling around

The Minotaur vanished from sight

Our hearts did pound as we searched all around

And our chests were tight with fright

 

Itching for flight, we’d huddle quite tight

Our breath rasping and rough

Our knuckles were white as we considered our plight

Of adventure we’d had quite enough

 

A roar from our left, an axe it did cleft

Dario’s head clean from his shoulders

Though we were bereft, there it was left

And undoubtedly there it still moulders

 

For we scattered and ran, each his own man

Fleeing the beast in the gloom

Disbanded our clan as we fled without plan

Each wishing to escape his doom

 

With stomach a churn and lungs fit to burn

My way soon became muddled

It was hard to discern with each twist and turn

And soon I was fully befuddled

 

Screams left and right as I stumbled in flight

Deeper and deeper I fled

As I’d turned to the right a grisly scene met my sight

Where a ripped torso freely bled

 

How much blood could there be, in one small body?

But here it was pumped on the floor

I wanted to leave but my guts did heave

And I threw up amidst the gore

 

I started to fall and thrust my hand at the wall

And paused to catch my breath

Curling out of my ball I stood straight and tall

And stared into the face of death

 

A bloodshot stare and nostrils a flare,

Head of a bull not a man

Filled with despair I gasped out a prayer

Turned on my heels and ran

 

As a roar filled the air I charged down a stair

Now I was completely lost

Deep in its lair, I started to swear

Its head wasn’t worth what it cost

 

For the cost was too high if my friends had to die

And meet such a grizzly fate

But my smile was wry as my love’s spell told the lie

‘For them it is already too late’

 

‘You can still gain,’ said the voice in my brain

The voice of her bittersweet spell

‘With your love you will reign, you’ll feel no more pain’

And my heart started to swell

 

Feeling more stout I turned right about

And traced my way back to the stair

For the beast I did scout and then bellowed a shout

I’d bring it to me from its lair

 

My intentions fair stated I stood firm and waited

For the mighty beast to appear

Its hunger sated on the men that it hated

It slouched from the dark with its spear

 

Blood, guts and gore dripped to the floor

From the tip of that awesome spike

Deep in my core I knew my friends were no more

As the Minotaur stood there godlike

 

I shivered in despair and it struck me right there

That I was more a beast than him

For I’d made my friends swear for my true love fair

And now they were torn limb from limb

 

Nerves battered and frayed I hefted my blade

And stepped forward to meet my end

To the gods I prayed and stepped in to trade

Clashing blows with my beastly friend

 

His blows were like lead and I very soon bled

From a dozen stabs and slashes

But I was better off dead than to not have his head

So I made one of my lightning dashes

 

His spear pierced my thigh but my blade flashed up high

And cleaved through his muscular neck

I let out a sigh as I watched the beast die

And slumped to the floor a wreck

 

To take the head I had sworn so I grabbed one horn

And wrestled it into a sack

My heart it was torn, my friends I did mourn

As I heaved its weight onto my back

 

On in the gloom, through room after room

I ran, then stumbled, then crawled

Fleeing my doom, escaping my tomb

Exhausted but still enthralled

 

I’m jolted awake as the boat starts to shake

As it grinds on the rocks near the shore

The boat starts to quake and finally to break

As I fend off the rocks with an oar

 

There’s a lurch in my heart as the boat breaks apart

And I’m cast into the sea

This is my final depart if I don’t make a start

To the shore through the debris

 

Bruised and battered, ragged and tattered

I stumble up the beach and inland

Cut and blood splattered, exhausted and shattered

I collapse before my love’s merry band

 

I wake in her bed with her stroking my head

And whispering words of love

I remember were to wed and my weariness fled

On the wings of an enraptured dove

 

‘Though I know you are frail I long for your tale

Tell me the foul beast is dead!

Did he plead and wail? I want every detail!

I felt a chill in what she said

 

So deep in the night I tell of our fight

Her relish for gore she can’t hide

Her eyes are alight, burning bright

As I recount how the Minotaur died

 

‘So the beast is dead and now we should wed’

She whispers as she slips out her knife

‘But without the head, now you are dead!

I’ll never be your wife!!’

 

The head didn’t float and had gone down with the boat!

Only now did I realise its loss,

She slashes my throat and starts to gloat

‘Don’t worry, I’m not all that cross.’

 

Spell broken by deceit I lurch to my feet

But my knees are starting to buckle

I want to crush my sweet but her victory’s complete

...The last thing I hear is her chuckle.


 

Ten Monsters

 

Ten monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s smashed his spine

So now there’s only nine

 

Nine monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s crushed his mate

So now there’s only eight

 

Eight monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s swallowed Kevin

So now there’s only seven

 

Seven monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s impaled on sticks

So now there’s only six

 

Six monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s boiled Clive

So now there’s only five

 

Five monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s oozing gore

So now there’s only four

 

Four monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster decides to flee

So now there’s only three

 

Three monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s whizzed into goo

So now there’s only two

 

Two monsters having fun

In a battle to the death

One monster’s blasted with a gun

So now there’s only one

 

One monster all alone

In a field of guts and gore

When all your mates are dead

It really is a bore