Humors

1)
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
 
 
2)
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
 
 
3) People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
 
 
4) Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
 
 
5) How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS !
 
 
6)
People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,
People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted.

 
7)
Heght of optimism:
Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
 
 
8)
Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

 
9)
Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.

 
10) Panting and sweating, Santa and Banta on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill.
"That was a tough climb," said Banta.
"Sure was," replied Santa. "And if I hadn't kept the brakes on, we would have slid down backward."

 
11) The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

 
12) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
 
 
13) When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
 
 
14) A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "yes" in the last question, was "Why?"
The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
 
 
15)
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 
16)
1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"

 
17)
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand".

 
18) A Marwadi having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays toGod.
God happy with his prays, grants him only ONE wish!
Marwadi : I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new home!
God : Damn !!! I still have a lot to learn from these Marwadi's

Moral of the story:- Compile all requirements and present in one line rather boring appraiser for long time.

 
19)
Girl: "Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."
Boy: "But I don't have any, my love."
Girl: "I said, when we get married".

 
20)
Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

 
21)
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Doc: Next please.

 
22) Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captsin: .....!@#$% ...??
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
 
 
23)
Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished.
 
 
24) Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"

 
25)
Santa to a girl: I want to marry you.
Girl: But, I am a year elder to you.
Santa: Then, I'll marry you next year.

 
26) On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god...
after that the letters reversed.

 
27) The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
 
 
28)
Q: What are the signs of iron deficiency?
A: Crumpled clothes.
 
 
29) The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".
 
 
30)
Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday.
 
 
31) Pakistan's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Pakistan search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.
 
 
32)
Q: Why did the Santa crash her plane when landing?
A: "The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide".
 
 
33) A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
 
 
34) The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh.
Santa Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?
Sure replied Santa What's your phone number?
 
 
35) A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
 
36) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
 
 
37) Prison vs Work : 
1) In prison you spend the majority of your time in a 10×10 cell. At work you get a 6×6 cubicle.
2) In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get more work for good behavior.
3) In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you have to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.
4) In prison you spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to be in bars.
 

 38)
1) Who is great? It's u.
2) Who is smart? It's u.
3) Who is sweetest? It's u.
4) Who is jolly? It's u.
5) Who is lying? Of course, it's me.
 
 
39) They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
 
 
40) "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
 
 
41) A Husband said to his wife One day "I don't know how you can be so stupid & so beautiful all at the same time ,"
The wife responded ," Allow me to explain ,God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me ; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"
 
 
42) A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
 
 
43) A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
 
 
44) A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
 
45)
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
 
 
46) In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
 
 
47) The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
 
 
48) A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his Portfolio forms a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed "what wonderful Photos! "Said the wife" you must have a very expensive camera."
The photographer just Smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said "Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!!!
 
 
49)
Joe: "My uncle knew a month before his death the exact date he was going to die."
Moe: "How did he know?"
Joe: "The judge told him".
 
50)
Principal: If a boy is found in girl's hostel, he'll be fined Rs 100 first time, 200 second time and 500 third time.
Pappu: How much for a Monthly Pass?
 
 
51)
Girl announced her engagement to her father.
Father: Does this fellow has any money?
Girl: U men r all alike, that's exactly what he asked me about u. :)
 
52)
Banta: Give me a bag full of money, job and a vehicle full of girls
God: So it be, my son and made him a bus conductor of ladies special bus !!!
 
 
53)
Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.
 
 
54)
Angry Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?
Pappu: (Looking down in shame) No...
Santa: Don't look down. Look at me.
 
 
55)
Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.
 
 
56)
Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.
 
 
57)
Controller to pilot: What is your height and position?
Pilot: I'm five feet eight inches and i'm sitting down.
 
 
58)
Wife: U know, husband & wife aren't allowed to be together in heaven!
Husband: Yes, I do. That's why it's called heaven!
 
 
59) Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?
Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true...
 
 
60) What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused...? I knew you would be !!!
 
 
61)
Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!
 
 
62)
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
 
 
63) A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!
 
 
64) The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
 
 
65) A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
 
 
66)
Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya $"SARI"$, tum na badalna'.
 
 
67) A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
 
 
68) Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”
 
 
 69)
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend
"U r my Best Friend"
But
Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
"U r my Best Wife?
 
 
70)
How to Create d Biggest Doubt in ur Wife's Mind 4 u?
?
?
?
?
?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying..
"I Luv u too"
.
.
GAME OVER.!

 
71)
Wife takes seriously ill husband 2 doctor.   

Doc 2 Wife:      Give him healthy breakfast daily, be pleasant & in gud mood…. Cook tasty dinner & don’t discuss ur  problems with him. Stop watching tv serial and spend that time with him. Don’t demand new clothes. If you can do this for one year your husband will be ok.   

On way 2 home husband asks wife:     what did doc say ?   

Wife:     Dr. ne to jawab de diya hai..kaha Bachna Mushkil Hai …………..!!!


72)
In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. 
At Office, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30..


73)
try
{
}
Catch (Exception e) 
    //who cares? 
}


74)
Nana Patekar Ye dekho ... Ye 'C' ka code.. ye 'C++' ka code... Ye dono mila diya... 
Ab bata saale tester - 'C' ka kaunsa, 'C++' ka kaunsa??? 
Jab banane waale ne ismein koi farak nahi kiya to tum kaun ho farak karne waale.... Bata bata


75)
Friend1: Tu na jaane aas paas hai KHUDA...
.
Friend2: Pata hai ...Aur barish me zyada problem hoti hai ... Roads, Footpath, Parking area...sab kuch hi KHUDA hai yahan ....


76)
Height of Humiliation plus Insult...

A grammar freak Girl to her BF... You r as useless as "ay" in "Okay" !!!


77)
Once Aryabhatta was counting Rajnikanth's mistakes......
...
..
.
That's when he invented "ZERO" !!!


78)
Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs? 
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone. 


79)
Lady : Is this my train? 
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. 
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi . 
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
 



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