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I apologise for my absence folks for I have been busy. I have been seeing someone. Yes, you heard me. I actually have been seeing someone. Needless to say, I don’t know how to handle it. For everything is so new to me. It should be simple you know. You meet someone, you make a date, you get to know this person better and hope after sometime, you start cooking for two during the weekends. I wish it was that simple. He is a nice guy. One of the nicest I know. Intelligent and smart and well liked by many. In the little circle of mutual friends, I am told that he is somewhat of a catch. Already he has enlightened me in so many ways about things I should have known about the world around me. The most important being the individuality of people around me. It used to be just me and them. I now seem to have a small circle of friends who seem to like me. Yes. You heard that right. I am liked. I like to think that we get on swimmingly. I am just scared that my hang-ups will ruin everything. There is so much I want to share and so much more I want to keep to myself. I don’t even know if I am moving too slow or too fast. Or not moving at all. I am afraid that he will never understand why I have problems and why I never open myself up for help. I am afraid to show my vulnerability and fail miserably in showing him my strength. And whats this thing called ‘compromise’? How come thats not in the manuals? Where does it say that I have to share my comicbooks and sweets? Where does it say that I have to accept the set routine he has when he comes home from work? Do I tell him that my coyness is an act? Do I tell him that I sometimes play dumb to keep myself from revealing too much? Do I tell him that the sight of him playing Tekken whilst smoking a pipe is just wrong ... ? And whats more, do I tell him that I am actually scared of pursuing a relationship? For I am the sort who latches on to someone who shows the slightest bit of interest in me. I even toyed with the idea of moving to be closer to him. That might be another mistake. Why? For it will be evidence of me actually needing someone. It would be evidence of me becoming dependant on someone for a chance of happiness. It would be the first steps of me coming into daylight. That scares me. I keep telling myself that I wasn’t built for this. ‘Nefertiti’ still screams whenever I go near it and it will be a long time yet when she is more accepting. How do I communicate my yearns and desires when I am nowhere near fulfilling them as largely everything just sits nicely in my head. It not as easy as getting into the ‘mood’ for me. I have to battle a lifetime of self-abuse and neglect for even the slightest chance of allowing someone to love me. How do I tell him that I don’t see myself as he sees me? How do I tell him that I suspect that he knows what I see in myself but decides to ignore it? How do I tell him that I hate myself and wish he does too? That would fit you know. Perhaps I am paranoid. Perhaps my natural urge is just to run away from everything that could be good for me. But truth be told, I simply just don’t know. Maybe I should just sit back and enjoy the ride and just wait for the day he decides that I am just faking my way through life. For the moment though, I am a little happier. I still have my problems and am trying my best to keep them hidden from him. I don’t want the times spent together to be wasted on him trying to make me feel better. I don’t want therapy. On the other hand, I should put my foot down. Tell him my preferences. My likes and dislikes. Make him like Magnum as much as I do. But he is a soul in his own right. Entitled to his own preferences and needs. Some of which I can give. Perhaps thats what I need to compromise on. I think I need to work on that. For now, I am typing this in my own room. Listening to Nathalie Fisher and wondering why I have left Russell on the bed with the unopened JLA figures beside her. I need to reconnect. I need to re-affirm myself for the moment. This is me. I am hard work I know. But I’d like to think I’m worth it. Its nice being in the moonlight you know. But I must learn that the sun has its own joys. But its very, very difficult.Day 56 - Lebanese Chicken
OK, so I spared you guys yet another shot of our funky colored bathroom, me painting or whatever... This time you get chicken! The recipe is called "Lebanese Chicken", at least that's the name my mom said was on the recipe when it was given to her. Being that we're not Lebanese, we really don't have a clue if this is an authentic Lebanese chicken recipe or just conveniently named. Either way, its delicious and worth sharing because it is so quick and easy to make! Lebanese Chicken (A blend of orange, cinnamon and allspice gives this a Middle Eastern accent.) 8 skinless boneless chicken thighs/breasts 1/4 tsp salt 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon 1/3 cup chopped onion 1/8 tsp ground allspice 2 Cloves garlic, minced/crushed 2 Tbl honey 1 Tbl margarine or butter 2 tsp finely shredded orange peel (I used dried orange peel) ? cup orange juice Rinse chicken; pat dry with paper towels. In a large skillet cook chicken, onion, and garlic in hot margarine or butter over medium heat about 6 minutes or till chicken is brown, turning once. Add orange peel, orange juice, and salt to skillet. Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes. Sprinkle cinnamon and allspice onto chicken; drizzle with honey. Simmer, uncovered, for 5 to 7 minutes more or till chicken is tender and no longer pink. Serve chicken and sauce over couscous or rice.
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