- TARQUIN SMITH. If the second law of thermodynamics is the most perverse and amoral formulation in all human thought, those of Tarquin must come a close second. Not above hiring assassins to off his rivals, only to send other assassins to off the assassins he originally sent out in the first place - out of guilt, of course.
- Quote: "Don't you hate it when you conquer the world, only to find that everyone you know is still inferior - just now there's more of them."
- CALLUM "CAZA" SMITH. An unholy union of chav and skater aesthetics, Callum spends half his listening to blink-182 on his iPod, and the other half beating himself up for doing so.
- STEFANNI "STAZA" SMITH. Any thing she doesn't know about celebrity gossip isn't worth knowing. Of course, anything she does know about celebrity gossip isn't worth knowing either...
- ROGER SMITH. Roger Smith couldn't be any more of an anachronism if he stumbled out of Tarquin's time machine research lab wearing a toga and yelling Latin profanities. Roger still lives every day as though it's the early '60s, refusing to accept such modern technologies as the mobile phone, the PC, refrigerator, rock music, antibiotics, light bulbs, fire, electricity, the horseless carriage, trains that go faster than 12 mph, watches, clothes pegs and water that doesn't smell of stagnant river mud. Member of the "Association for the Appreciation of Agas".
- MARGARET SMITH. Growing up in the 50's taught Margaret three things: "speak when you're spoken to", "be seen and not heard", and "if your son would rather rule the world than have grandchildren, something's clearly wrong with him". To this end, Margaret is stuck in the paradoxical situation of desperately trying to avoid conflict with Tarquin while at the same time being absolutely desperate to interfere in his life.
- JEN-ERIKA GRÖßENWAHNSINNIG. Neighbour of the Smiths and de facto girlfriend of Tarquin. Comes from a long line of Prussian nobles who ruled over a sizable portion of Bavaria during the 1800s, until a changing political situation forced them to move to a nice little semi in Little Cirmblehampstead. Favourite color: green.
- QUENTIN VAN DE MAAN. Ex-classmate of Tarquin, studied Astrophysics and was able to come out with a very respectable Third Class with Some Honours. Now lives in a squalid bedsit. Of course, the bedsit is on the moon, which raised the price of it some what... Shared a flat with Tarquin during Tarq's brief stay at Coxridge University.
- ANJANA PARVAT. Another ex-classmate of Tarquin, although unlike Quentin, she is on good terms with him, despite being almost as evil a genius as Tarquin himself. A world leader in geophysics, Parvat uses her knowledge of plate tectonics and seismology to hold to the world to ransom on a weekly basis. Her favourite comedy movie is "The Core".