Growing up with downs

Growing up with downs...

13th Nov. 2008

Squandering away time preciously earned, and crying over it later  has been a way of life for many. Same goes fro me too. Then why would anyone be interested in learning about it, or say reading about it & putting strain over the eyes (& brain it they have any). But then everyone in time has lost once or many times. To give a false boost to the human fallacy called pride you may continue reading it.

Not abandoned your attempts yet !! Well in that case you are hurting my ego as I would have to ask for your forgiveness i.e. would have to say 'Sorry' !! This may be a story of lost hopes, futile attempts at success, help from most unexpected quarters, wasting myself into alcoholic pleasures, nocturnal behavior, love, lust, sex, crimes and above all - of desires.

Desire would be what kept me alive over these nine years. Kept me running from one pillar to another post. As my Mother said 'either you work hard in the starting days of your life, or you keep toiling for the rest of your life'. I don't know if the start of my life is over yet! But I am willing to start over again. Black sheep for the lot, in process of preparing a C.V. that would at least impress people. And when I die, judge me, till then won't you please leave me alone?

No I don't want to be alone being a human being, I am social animal. I need people to listen to me , to talk to me and to be with me. Continual monitoring is one of the things that bothers me, and maybe improves me. (The word maybe should be in capitals.) I have yet to see if something has improved. A few people say I have changed most say I haven't. yes I am becoming more and more politically correct and my tongue stings harder but then these are those few things that I like to do.

Haven't painted in a while. A few days back while looking over old docs I came across the dates on my sketches and they were of May '05.

5th March, 2011

A natural high. One that made me feel normal again & connected to the rest of the world. And during that day, there must have been some naivety in me too, for I thought my depression was really nothing & that I conquered it right then and there, once and for all

And in truth that wonderful feeling has faded steadily several days after. As it always does.

It makes me wonder how much different my life would be if things were completely reversed.

If I experienced those great days most of the time and the depressing ones only every now and then. Ah that almost sounds too good to be true. But I am trying not to dwell on that.

It was good while it lasted...