On relationships

From Ampers' Rants

It is with trepidation that I include this from my wife's holistic healer. Pam has suffered from intensive anxiety for six years and the NHS and their "experts" can only fill her up with pills. After only three visits to Max she began to improve and is well on the way to leading a normal life again. She travels a tube stop by herself every morning to get the CityAM and now attends a book reading group every Friday two stops away on the tube. What I am saying here is, Max knows his job and is a master practitioner in NLP. Over to you, Max:

On Relationships

Written only from experience, both of the author and of others who have contributed to this work. Nothing written here is empty conjecture, rather the conclusions drawn from many years of experience and study. All subject matter has been cross referenced with people of both genders.

Max Owen

Holistic Health Consultant


What do we know?

Thinking is wondering, feeling is knowing.

We know what we feel, we only wonder about things when we think.

Are you a thinker, a feeler or both? You must be both to properly grasp what is written here, not many can claim to be both so it's ok if you have trouble comprehending it at first. Take time to dwell on the thoughts and feelings that arise as you read this, and read it several times for your first take will not be your final impression.

If you used to think that there were no absolutes it may be because your ego was uncomfortable believing that you were bound by factors beyond your control. You may have been pacified for a while by the concept of 'general rules' that apply to most, with the odd exception, only to find that almost everyone thought of themselves as the odd exception so you were brought back to the ego factor.

Well how about this for for a gripping concept... Natural absolutes exist in everything but most are too complex and wide ranging for people to comprehend absolutely, so there is no point wasting time trying to figure them out, instead try this... just accept that which is without trying to change what you either can't or which is not worth the effort to achieve.

Chapter One

What matters to men and women in a relationship?

Many people have pondered and written on this so you may find familiar concepts here, but for this author it has become a simple matter of studying nature at large

in detail, and finding that humans are part of nature and not separate from it thus are subject to the same forces. By applying a reductionist approach to solving this question brings us to the origins of hominids, for only there can be found the true nature of homo sapiens.

Monitum Scriptor: The aspirations of the soul, the higher mind, the developed intellect and the loving heart are not considered here at all as focus is placed on the primal animalistic drives that most people follow or give way to, even if they aren't consciously aware that they are.

It is reckoned that 51% of marriages end in divorce, and this figure does not include all the failed marriages (reckoned to be another 30%) where people live together unhappily and yet for many reasons do not divorce, or separate without formally divorcing. Non-marital relationships also fail at a very high rate so believing relationships can be forever is more folly than reality.

I would estimate that over 90% of relations do not go the distance, therefore if less than 10% of relationships succeed we really need to ask why.

For sure anyone who walked into a casino knowing they would at best lose over 90% of their money would be considered reckless if not insane. If you've travelled the marriage road and found it to be a forced situation full of empty promises and contrived platitudes as unnatural to human happiness as any form of forced slavery, you may have found that true commitment does not come from merely saying “I do” or the signing of a government marriage licence. If only those things could work magic on relationships life would be so much easier.

For a while this author lived as a hermit in a form of self imposed solitude free from the confines of relationships so to shake clear of societal attachments and thus gained a better appreciation and deeper comprehension of what matters to all people, male or female, child or adult, and that is summed up in one word, dignity.

Whilst all we ever do is ultimately done in our efforts to experience happiness, true happiness cannot flourish without dignity.

In the efforts people make to hold on to a relationship people make compromises which chip away at their happiness and thus erode their dignity.

It is the author’s wish that after reading this work, all full blooded men and women will feel and therefore know that they should never consent to the erosion of their dignity in the vain hope that it will bring happiness, for compromise can be a poison to dignity.

Chapter Two

Q. How do humans attract and keep a mate?

A. By providing security in all areas.

It appears that gender specific roles are vital to successful human relationships.

This finding may be anathema to feminists and other social thinkers but that cannot be helped. Mother Nature does her thing and humans it seems, with good intention, meddle with her intent and thus mess things up to everyone’s detriment.

Attraction from the woman's primal instinct perspective

To feel real attraction to a man, a woman requires him to be superior to her in all or as many ways as possible i.e. superior physical size, strength, intellect, wealth, confidence, social skills, etc and with the willingness to use all this power, for if she detects any weakness in him, if there is any area where he may hold back or where she may be better than him, then she will not feel he can protect and provide for her. She needs him to pacify her fear. She needs a protector and provider for as the saying goes, what's the point of having a dog and barking yourself. If she has to do it for herself then why would she need him?

A woman will not feel safe unless she feels protected, and she will only feel a man can protect if he is able to best her, to dominate her, thus she only feels attracted to a man who can 'put her in her place', a place under him in all the areas she feels are important. Once placed there she feels protected, cared for, wanted, and ultimately feels attraction to him because of this state of being and so feels sexually attracted to him, thus procreation is a go.

Upon initial questioning, almost all women disagree with this because subconsciously they must keep their true nature a secret to weed out the men who are not naturally worthy, for if ever the weak men figured this out they could feign dominance just long enough to fool a woman, but after deeper investigation all women interviewed have agreed it is true.

The most honest and best way a man can show his natural level of dominance is to just be himself. Fakery cannot endure and will eventually become too difficult to maintain and the relationship will fail. A man who only rates level 5 out of 10 on the dominance scale will only be able to dominate women who rates at level 4 or below. Said man would not be able to successfully dominate a woman who rates at level 5 or higher.

It may be true that within this 1-10 scale there is someone out there for everyone. In other words, every man will be able to find a woman whom he can dominate, but then again it may equally not be true. Nature has a way of selecting the best to propagate the species, yet if trickery is the best way to achieve this end then watch out women for there are many weak men with devious minds.

Don't you just find this dance of the sexes ultimately delicious? It's better than any book, film or tv show.

Some people will say “what about being nice, or generous, or loving etc? Surely these behaviours will attract a good mate?” Yet dominance wins out every time to those lesser alternatives. If you don't believe it just watch and observe how people really are and you will find it is true because niceness does not equal strength, generosity does not equate to power, and lovingness does not ultimately protect. A woman will test a man’s masculinity before wanting to have sex with him to be sure she is not wasting her time, her efforts, and her eggs. A woman also needs to be sure that the man she chooses is going to be strong enough of character to stay around whilst she is raising his offspring. To do this she will constantly test him to check he is still strong and is likely to look for a better mate should he become weak, even after she and he have spawned. Weak men often find their woman has strayed in search of a more masculine figure.

Attraction from the man's perspective

A man requires to know what he is buying into before he invests in it, or he may reject it very quickly as an unknown quantity. Unfortunately for women a man also requires a preview before he buys, This may be a display of her nurturing abilities and also a test of her sexual desire, and only if he is satisfied with the quality of the preview will he commit. He is looking for a woman who not only knows how to satisfy his primal urges, but also demonstrates that she has a high enough sex drive to want to give him many strong descendants, that way she keeps him interested in staying around.

The trouble here is that many women give a preview that is not reflective of the whole show, they perform just well enough to pass the test. Many relationships fail because the woman's preview was not an accurate presentation of herself.

From both perspectives

No one likes being deceived, conned, lied to. No man or woman will stay around if fakery is discovered, yet it seems people lie all the time, maybe with good intention, maybe with bad, but always out of fear. There cannot be fear if the male/female dominance position is true and not contrived from lies.

For both men and women physical attraction is the obvious first point, because beautiful people are more likely to make beautiful children who will then have a better chance of finding a mate in adulthood thus ensuring the genetic heritage of the couple will continue to prevail. Yet beauty is just like the cover of the book or the icing on the cake, and as we know a flashy cover or enticing icing do not in and of themselves reveal the quality of the read or the taste of the cake.

Good women and men do, and rightly should, present themselves well, but presentation is often a shallow attempt at marketing; it is ultimately a sales job and so as not to mis-sell ourselves we should present as we truly are or risk having the item sold rejected as not being as advertised, aka the failure of the relationship.

A man is usually a simple and straight forward being, he will give unreservedly and protect completely once he has formed an attachment to a woman. The surest way for a woman to create this attachment is to have sex with him, for now his instinct is to guard his seed. Even if birth control was employed, the desire to protect is a primal one that rational thought cannot displace. Just be aware that deception and lies on the part of the either are one of the quickest ways to release the desire for attachment.

Both men and women also need to feel that their mate is going to be stable enough to raise their seed properly, thus devotion, integrity and intelligence are highly valued in a way that a flip flop flakey personality is not. The man must constantly demonstrate his ability to be dominant in any situation. The woman must constantly demonstrate a capable and caring nature, thus if she mothers her mate he will value her ability to mother and therefore nurture their seedlings.

Both will proactively provide for and guard the other to ensure the survival of their genetic line. This does not mean the man wishes to be mothered all the time, it is

however all part of the selection process designed by Mother Nature to ensure the best pass on their genes.

Chapter four

Who's at fault in infidelity?

Simply put it's the fault of the woman every time.

I thought that would get your attention, but upon analysis it may prove to be true, it may not, so let's look at two examples.

Example 1

Man A is married to woman A when woman B seduces man A.

Example 2

Woman A is married to man A when woman A seduces man B.

The relationship does not have to be one of marriage for betrothal or just committed boy/girl friend relationships apply here also.

Most men it seems are fools in these situations and are easily convinced to spread their seed into another willing incubator, yet it would not have happened had a woman not offered herself.

For sure sometimes the man pursues an extra-relationship romance, but if the woman declined his advances sex could not take place. Yet if the man was truly happy in his current relationship surely he would not stray. Subconsciously and sometimes consciously women know that a man is very likely to acquiesce to her advances, advances which are intended to better her situation.

Of course if a woman does not give her consent to have extra-relationship sex then any sex that occurred would be a case of rape and thus not a topic for discussion at this time.

The fault may lay with the woman for not continuing to support her man by keeping up the appearance that originally enticed him into believing she was a keeper; yet equally the fault may lay with the man who failed to continually show dominance by agreeing to let his woman have her way too often. Showing weakness of character when dominance is required to prove he can still hack it will ultimately cause her to look around.

Chapter five

Now the painful part

If man wants woman he must appear to man up and stay in charge, which is his natural place according to Mother Nature. If woman wants man she must appear to know her place, for as long as she wants him. Only if appearances are not deceiving can the relationship last.

This may appear abhorrent to modern civilised people, but modern civilised behaviour is just a veil placed over our primal instincts to enable us all to live in a kind of false harmony. False because society is a fragile thing that will fail as soon as oil or food becomes scarce, and then that veil will drop quicker than a rotten apple from a tree.

No matter how much we wish the opposite, no relationship is guaranteed to last or is a guarantee of a lasting anything, not love, not attachment, not fidelity.

Relationships are as transient as anything else. Nothing except forever is forever, and there is no evidence that even forever is not temporary. So knowing this painful truth let us to take the pain out of it.

The pain we feel on losing or not having a relationship is nothing more than a presentation of fear, yet this is a personal choice. We feel this pain because we believe something is missing that, if we had it, would make us feel our lineage was safe, so we choose to seek it and thus we choose the pain.

The truth seems to be this, we have inside us all that we need to be free of pain, and that is our higher mind, our soul. But we are subject to our primal drives that call on us to procreate and to protect and nurture the fruit of our loins. So why, in this modern age of science and western style society with welfare schemes and such like, do we still have so much destructive fear for the survival of our spawn?

Perhaps our primal drives know the transient nature of man made cultures well enough not to trust them.

Love, attachment, affection, fidelity are all expressions of the urge to procreate which in itself is the need to survive, and instinct for survival is the generator of fear itself.

Death is inevitable, everything ends, possibly not even forever is forever.

Fear of the inevitable is ridiculous, the only guarantee in life is that it will end. So fuck fear. Know that all things change and just live and love in the moment not worrying about tomorrow, for fear may make you act in an unreasonable, petty, or jealous way and ruin your relationship from within. Losing that fear may help you gain relationship bliss.

If we choose to accept that we are foolish to fear death, and that we are crazy to fear the end of a relationship, we can enjoy the feeling of freedom this brings, and that choice alone may empower us all to have better, or longer, or happier relationships.

Mother Nature knows what we are and why we are this way because she made us this way in her own best interests and therefore ours too.

Fret not about what we are not, or what you think you could become, for we are human and nothing will change that. It is especially not for humans to change our base programming, for that can only lead to the end of the species.