All 100 trillion Of Me

The moral ecology of the culture I was born into is one of rules, consequences and penalties. "Good" is rewarded and "Bad" and lack of shame or regret are considered signs of indigence toward the accepted mores which are reinforced through penalty. Admitting one's guilt is considered a step toward moral decency. Black and white facts are used to used to judge guilt based on current and previously noted data gathered from events. 

As an infant when I did something that was agreeable, my mother would shower me with soft loving utterances of "good, oh your such a good little boy" which were usually accompanied with kisses and gentle loving strokes and even more love and food and care for every burp, fart, coo wink, blink, grab, tumble crawl, fall, walk or attempt at speech. My early agreeable acts included pooping, swallowing the goop they kept shoving at my face, cooing, and generally just making googly eyes at them as I shat my diaper knowing how delighted they were with bowel movements and the opportunity to regularly sanitize my little rectum. What a great life! It was until... I did something that was disagreeable like smear some of that poo on the floor or on a sibling's head.

Because of this early training the "doing or being good" became associated with the reward of receiving food-love-care and was deeply embedded in my survival brain-mind which became conditioned to cause me to be and or do what is agreeable for others regardless of my own desires. 

Doing anything that was not on the side of good such as smearing shit on little sister's head was met with harsh unloving verbal admonishments of "bad boy" unfriendly looks and or other shame and guilt instilling projections from my trainer (mother). 

My brain was creating a mind that was learning that all it needed to do was to withhold certain actions, desires and expressions in order to maintain a flow of food, love, and care. Like others of my species I learned to do thousands of years ago, my little brain was doing what it was programmed to do... figuring out how to keep me alive.

My mother and father did not learn how to raise children, they learned from what their parents before them did. Every parent and their parents before them was doing what their parents did before them to the level of knowledge that would support their survival. Many people who have children now will seek out specific informative training or literature to help guide them while most simply do a slightly updated version of what their parents did for them.

With awareness of ​the discovery of ​the over ​100 trillion cells that comprise the human body,​ ​I'm​ having second thoughts​ about "I" statements​.

I invite the me that I thought was me to consider the "ten trillion cells" info in the context of an accountability round "shadow belief".

I currently do not attend IGroups because I feel uncomfortable witnessing other men in what I observe to be either prompting or experiencing unnecessary shame during accountability

If having me recall other times that "I" had done things in my life that were less than useful in order to discover a "shadow belief" might inadvertently reinforce an such an inaccurate belief (of less than or not enough), would you use questions the current set of accountability questions?

Recent discoveries in neuroscience indicate that a part of my brain's data processing does not differentiate between the original event and the recalling of it; pleasure felt while whacking off thinking about a non existent event or regret felt at the thought of a less than useful decision made years ago are experienced within parts of brain-mind as if it were happening now. A part of my brains primary answer to events that had disconnecting emotions of anger, shame, guilt, or regret  attached to them, is to attempt to make them stop happening now. It does this because the original event was misread (survival brain's negative bias filter) as threat to my continuation.

If recalling of a "highly charged event"; one that when it occurred had strong "disconnecting emotions" such as anger, shame, guilt, or regret attached to it might cause a part of my brain to endlessly seek like a computer attempting to fix an error that it logged from eight months ago each time it started up to take an action "now" to make that past event different than what it was, would you want me to recall such events in order to help me to discover and attempt to change a "shadow belief"?

I agree that taking ownership of doing something different than what I said I would do is beneficial, however most of the time introducing the concept of "what I chose to do instead" may be experienced as shaming and inaccurate (illusion of choice).

If I had a choice I'm thinking that I would have chose the other thing but I chose what I chose and it may not be what I thought I was going to choose when I had first thought that I was going to make the original choice.

I would prefer you to hold an action free optimal intention or vision of me, it will need to be one that I'm in agreement with, because when I agree with your intention it means that a part of this brain mind is now moving towards it.