Have you found yourself resolving to accomplish this year the same goal that you set for yourself last year (and perhaps the year before)?
You are not alone.
Studies find that between 60 and 88% of people do not accomplish their New Year’s resolutions. People make resolutions to tackle things that have proved resistant to everyday efforts to change. It is no surprise that it takes more than good intentions to get the job done.
Psychotherapy often aims to change precisely these difficult behavior patterns. Here are some tips drawn from therapeutic methods designed to help make your goals stick.
1. Identify the right target.
When making a goal, take some time to reflect on your motivations. Make sure you have correctly identified what it is you would like to change. For instance, why expend effort to advance in a career that you fundamentally dislike?
2. Know thy enemy.
Recognize that behavior sticks around for a reason. Determine what function the behavior you are trying to change serves. Does biting your nails relieve anxiety in tense moments? If so, stopping is going to require finding an alternative anxiety reliever. Use detective work to analyze what precedes and follows the behavior. Does getting home late from work mean that you pass your favorite bakery while starving and feeling like you deserve a treat after such a rough day? Figure out the points of “no-return”, when the chance of engaging in the target behavior is very high so that you can avoid them. Do a similar analysis of the situations when you acted in line with your goals. What prompted that success?
3. Make a clear target.
Vague, non-specific and overly broad goals invite failure. The goal “I will be a nicer person this year” is difficult to plan for and harder to measure. Try instead, “I will notice and compliment three people daily”. Still hard, to be sure, but an attainable goal.
4. Prioritize.
Aspiring to improve and fantasizing about how much better we can become can prove deeply motivating and rewarding. There is a danger, however, that in our enthusiasm, we will bite off more than we can chew. The best chance of success comes from choosing one clear goal and then breaking that goal into small baby steps.
5. Success breeds success.
The importance of making small achievable sub-goals stems from the rewarding nature of accomplishment. Getting the first goal done helps us persist and accomplish the next goal. We gain confidence with each step. Conversely, an early setback can be so dispiriting that it can derail the entire project.
6. Make a detailed plan.
Some of this plan will flow naturally from the analysis you conducted of what prompts and sustains the behavior. Generate alternatives to the rewarding aspects of the target behavior. Plan for how you can avoid situations that increase your chances of acting in the old pattern.
7. Troubleshoot.
If you have ever failed at this goal in the past, here is where your experience will come in handy. What got in the way last time and how can you make this time different? What could potentially go wrong with the current plan? Make a backup plan!
8. Bring in reinforcements.
Tell a loved one, a trusted friend or a therapist about your new goal. Simply telling someone can strengthen your commitment to carry it through. Furthermore, she or he can help motivate you when your resolve is flagging. At a minimum, this will prevent inadvertent actions that undermine your goal.
9. Motivate yourself.
As you make your plans, it is helpful to make a list of the pros and cons of engaging in the behavior and keeping it handy to review when the urge to re-engage in the behavior becomes strong. Remember that change is not a one-time deal. During the first month, it is particularly easy to get off track. Assess your level of motivation to change on a scale of 1 to 10 when you get started and list the reasons for wanting to change. Every couple of weeks, revisit that assessment and ask yourself “what would it take to move my commitment up a point?” See if you can’t do those things.
10. Celebrate success.
We have a natural tendency to notice mistakes and become self-critical. By contrast, we take for granted a day spent without engaging in our old patterns. Avoid this tendency! Keep track of your progress. Make a habit of noting success and rewarding yourself (even if only with a mental pat on the back). You deserve it. Change is hard work!
A good therapist can prove invaluable for implementing this kind of change. He or she can help you identify overlooked areas, process painful emotions that arise in the course of changing and support you through the process. A therapist can also notice patterns of behavior reflecting unconscious conflicting feelings. Working through those feelings can clear the way for profound change.
© Alexander Harris MD PhD
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