FoxFire Studios present:
Sabin: Okay. So, to summarize: David defeats a
bird monster as some sort of political statement, threatens his history
teacher for some reason, gets recognized as a local hero, boycotts
humanity, becomes a frontier cyborg, meets up with a guy living out
2000 alternate universes, and fulfills his lifelong dream of catching a
semi-nude girl from the sky. Oh, and the Power Rangers are involved for
Fletch: I'm wanting to know where, as the top of the page said, the VR Troopers and Masked Rider come into this. At least he hinted at the other stuff.
Sailor Moon: American Kitsune
By David Gonterman
Note to Sonic the Hedgehog fans: This takes place outside
of Blood and Metal.
Power Rangers, VR Troopers, and Masked Rider by Saban
Sabin: Woah, Sailor Moon AND the Power Rangers? It's the best fic ever.
Fletch: It's like the god of americanized sentai shows threw up all over the plot of this abomination.
Sailor Moon brought to the US by Dic
Sabin: No need to credit the people who created it or anything.
Fletch: To be honest, though, I think they're happier for it. I would be.
David "Davey Crockett" Kintobor by David Gonterman
Fletch: Imagine how sad it would be if he wasn't
the one who made his self-insertion avatar. "David Kintobor by Tom
Hanks" or some such. See? This could indeed be worse already.
SAINT LOUIS: Six Power Rangers, three VR Troopers, and
the Masked Rider joined three members of the Youth United
Nations and a local St. Louisan who appears to be their leader,
Fletch: ...who APPEARS to be their leader? I smell foreshadowing.
while in between two ethnic factions who were just
about to riot in front of the Americas Center. The St.
Louisan is identified as David Kintobor, the one who shot
and killed the Piasa Monster just 12 hours ago.
"Behold the enemy: A world of one ethnicity hating
another since I don't care how long back.
Sabin: "Could be centuries. Could be five days ago. I just don't care."
Fletch: The enemy is a whole world, eh? There's a Mary-Sue involved, why not just blow up the planet and solve this?
A world where violence is answered by violence, and justice and equality
is decided by who's the worst in the bunch. It's a world
where *none* of you will survive, unless we stop it now and
here, even if we have to take out every last one--"
Sabin: "You must cease this meaningless violence
or we will be forced to violent measures! Now embrace your fellow man,
and punch him in the face!"
Fletch: Hey, it's worked for we Irish for a few centuries now. You know, if you ignore the Troubles and all.
SAINT LOUIS: David Kintobor stands over Portwood [an
Afro-centrist history teacher who shot off David's left arm
shortly after he slain the Piasa Monster] and aims a rifle
straight down her.
Sabin: What's "afro-centrist"? Someone who
focuses lectures around poofy hair? Also, through which orifice did he
stick the rifle down her?
Fletch: Apparently, according to Dictionary.com,
"Afro-centrist" means "centered or focused on Africa/African peoples".
So, someone teaching African history instead of the usual European, I
guess. I'm beginning to think these odd details aren't foreshadowing so
much as crap.
"Every part of the monster *you* want me
to become says I should blow your head off right here, but
the problem with that is that it would give you exactly what
you want. It might even get you off.
Fletch: ...how does one achieve orgasm after
losing their head? It sounds tricky, to say the least... and not all
that useful of a skill.
And I can't have that, can I?" Davey moved the rifle fifteen degrees to the
right and fired on empty concrete.
Fletch: That's some... unique, shall we say, writing right there. It wasn't just "moved to the left", it was moved fifteen degrees to the left. He must have researched his weapons to create such a detailed tale.
"The way to beat your bigotry down, is not to beat you up. Life's too short and
precious to waste it growing bitter over something that
hasn't happened to you personally.
Sabin: Rather, we should spend time growing bitter over everything that HAS happened to us personally.
Fletch: Um... if the bigotry is directed at you (although I'm not seeing any bigotry here, period), isn't that something that has happened to you personally? Or if not the bigotry, perhaps getting an arm shot off counts as "something to grow bitter over"?
And obviously, unlike you, I prefer a life where you don't have to answer to the
sins of the father. I figure, the perfect vengeance, is to
have that come to pass for this world.
But by the angered look on Portwood's face, she was
vowing that day to see that what David wants doesn't happen.
Sabin: "I swear by the angered look on my face, that day shall never come to pass!"
ST. LOUIS MAYOR'S OFFICE: The city of St. Louis has a
check for a million dollars and the keys to the city for
their newest hero, but David Kintobor has failed to show up
to collect his reward; until last night, where he sneaked
into the mayor's office and took the check, leaving the key
untouched and this note:
"You idiot. Why do you think I want to be your
superhero now, after the thanks you've given me?"
Sabin: "One million dollars? My GRANDMA makes more than that!"
Fletch: I'm pretty sure if you take the cash and
leave the key, instead of the opposite like most people in these
stories do, you're just an asshole.
Those words were the headlines of the next day, and the
question on everybody's mind?
Sabin: "Where the hell is this going?"
Fletch: Really? The one on my mind was "Where do you cash a million-dollar check?", all things told.
Fletch: ...how far into the future are we now, with all this fast-forwarding?
POWER RANGERS COMMAND CENTER:
Fletch: Aaaah, AD 3000 or so, if Futurama was any indication of the point where human technology can support heads in jars.
Zordon: David is under a lot of stress recently, only
part of it is the political troubles with the Piasa
Incident. He was also suffering from Memory Compression,
where he spent a lifetime in an alternate dimension in the
space of eight hours. Dissolving this 'archive' over time,
can prove problematic to the human psyche.
Sabin: Eight paragraphs in and we're already dealing with alternate dimensions. Well done.
Fletch: So, he spent a lifetime in eight hours.
Does that mean the other 'fic only took eight hours to write, or is it
how long most take to read it?
Kimberly: And then there's the question why he's sent
here, instead of heaven. <Sighs> he must think he's in
Fletch: Alright, sometime between stealing a
check and... whenever this is, he died. Maybe the government shot him
when he tried cashing the funny-check. Another question, though.
Gonterman has used actual text to describe actions before this point.
Why "<Sighs>" all of a sudden?
Sabin: It's Gonterman. He likes his entertainment filled with impressive sound effects such as "EXPLODE!" and "HOLSTER!"
Where's he now?
Zordon: In the Colorado Plains, where he can have some
peace and quiet to sort out what has happened to him. He
will also have an old friend to help him there. <Viewing
Globe On> He is Old Man Coyote, an Native American spirit
Sabin: Ten paragraphs in and we're combining sci-fi with sort of Native American folklore. Well done indeed.
Known for his trickery, but is very protective of a
small percentage of people that he calls 'his children,' of
which David is one."
Adam: <Looks at Coyote's records, including some of
his stories> Man, Fifty Million spirit guides, and Davey
gets the Q!
Fletch: This should tell you something. I'm a Star Trek fan, and even I've never used "Q" as an adjective.
Sabin: Goddamn, VCR controls are intense, man.
Fletch: If we just shifted universes, shouldn't
there have been an "Eject/Insert" in there? And why the final
fast-forward instead of going straight to "Stop"?
<The entire life you had on Mobius as a Fox is stored
in your head; "Archived," I believe you call it. Right
it's trying to de-archive into your current memory. As it
does, you'll be *becoming* that fox, in body and in form.
You'll also have some extra powers included according to
your age, for according to legend, special foxes known to
the Japanese as Kitsune have the power to shape shift when
they hit 100 years of age, which is where you're at right
Sabin: What the hell?
Fletch: Let's break it down. Okay, if memories
popping into your head can change what you know/are, as well as give
you powers, then we're probably in The Matrix. Bonus points for
predicting that film in advance, Gonterman. The age thing, now... that
one makes perfect sense if you wonder why he was planning to shoot an
African History teacher. He's from a pre-Civil War era, and thus has
the mannerisms and bias of the time. In fact... perhaps the story's author
is a time-traveler, which would explain the Matrix reference years in
advance. Maybe he comes from an era where furries are the norm, which
is why all this stuff seeming odd to us goes without a single mention
by anyone else in here.
Wow, this is making a lot more sense now. Thank you, odd exposition paragraph!
You'll also have some sort of 'Magical Power' I don't
know much about yet; I'll need more research. By the way,
you still have that Morpher Zordon tossed to you?>
Fletch: I think I missed the paragraph where
anyone tossed anybody else anything at all. Maybe it was in one of the
fast-forwards. Seems kinda vital to skip past, though. I would have
liked to see a head in a jar "toss" anything, though.
-Yeah, but I'm afraid I don't know why I'm keeping it
though, Coyote. I'd figure it'd just be a cool belt
<You'll soon have a good reason>
Coyote took the Morpher and replaced the fox totem
coin, which was made of non-special clay, with a glowing
power coin with a similar fox head. The Morpher powered up.
Fletch: "I know jack-shit about your powers. Here, let me dick around with that technological thingie for a second."
<Zordon made this special power coin to make your
cyborg half morph with you when you shape shift.
Sabin: He's a combination cyborg furry shapeshifter political activist crimefighter. It's the best Mary-Sue ever.
No sense having your shoulder splinter or your skull burst open
because of your mechanical parts. And with this prototype
Morpher, It will do nicely.> Coyote slapped the Morpher on
top of Davey's belt, and it merged into the buckle in place.
<Keep this on you at all times.>
-Sure thing, Granddad. Nice to know that thhe floating
<Hey, you did all right back at St. Louis. So what if
half the people in the city wouldn't cared if that drop dead
skull-less Fred took over as they watched?>
Sabin: I feel like I need a translator to read this.
Fletch: I think he just made a film reference. Either that, or I'm the kind of geek who would read that line and go "Huh, Drop Dead Fred. Not a bad film."
-That's 'Zedd,' Old Man.-
<Whatever! The fact is . . . I know about you feeling
sorry about ending up back on this planet.
Fletch: ...wait, this is yet another planet, now? What're we at, 4 now? Maybe 5?
You don't want to bother anyone about this pity party you're having . . .
waaaaitaminute . . . what's that behind you? The moon.
It's getting bigger, or something. . .>
Davey turned around. -Holy $#!*! It's not getting
bigger! It's getting *Closer!!*-
Fletch: Funny, I thought the cardinal rule of
overused exclamation points was either one or three, not two. Also,
since he capitalized "Closer", was that another
<It's headed straight for us!! Run for it Davey!! The
sky is falling!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!>
Fletch: One more MRftF with Chicken Little, and yet more uses of 2-Exclamation madness.
Davey booked down the mountain and into the plains
Fletch: ...and if he taps both, as well as 3 other mana and a Forest, that's Rith, The Awakener for no extra cost.
below, but he tripped on a root and fell on his face as the
moon was crashing onto him.
Sabin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore
-This vision sucks. . . Change it . . . -
Davey woke up with some hotter-than-hell salsa in his
mouth and someone calling his name.
Fletch: You can tell you're in a shitty hospital
when they're so cheap, salsa is used as an alternative to smelling
salts for awakening patients.
"David? David! You okay, dude?"
At first he could only see a coyote with a scar across
his snout. He could barely remember his name.
The 'coyote's eyes opened wide when he heard that. But
as he did, Davey's eyes focused and the coyote became a
human, with that same scar on his face.
Fletch: ...what the hell was in that salsa, man?
I've had some hot stuff, but nothing ever made men turn into animals
when I blinked.
"Davey! Davey Crockett!
Fletch: "...King of the Wild Frontier!"
It's *you* isn't it?"
As he said that name, David felt something in his right
hand. It was a baseball cap with a racoon tail. He put it
on his head and smiled.
Sabin: Ah, the frontier days... a time when it
was custom to put on a Yankees cap with a small portion of a furry
animal attached before going off to hunt for salsa.
"A-Ah can't believe it,"
Fletch: Wow. So "Kickaha" here has gone from a
surfer's accent to a southerner's in two lines of dialogue. Impressive
characterization there, guy.
David laughed with tears in his eyes.
Edward had the same. "It *is* you, isn't it,
Davey? It was real. It was all real."
As the two reunited friends ate more of the above
spicy-as-all-get-out stuff, they compared notes on the life
they lived on Mobius.
"Well," Davey said, "now Ah know why they call ya
'Edward Two Lives'."
"Er . . . Could you make it 'Edward Two *Thousand*
"Two Thousand? Come again?"
Edward told David how some Veteran Hospital doctor putz
took the lives of every Edward Becerra that existed in every
possible 'Alternate Universe'--Including Mobius--and crammed
them all into Edwards poor brain.
Sabin: It is because of this operation that every conceivable plot event in the multiverse occurs at the same time.
Fletch: Yeah, we're definitely in the future if even the medical screw-ups are far beyond our normal capacity.
"Damn!! All those alternate Eddies in your brain?"
Fletch: More time-traveler evidence: he half-predicted a Stephen King plot twist years in advance. "Alternate Eddies" indeed.
"No shit. <Speaks in a redneck accent David is known
for> Ah guess dere's a Edward in a dang mobile home park
round here sumwhare! <Points to head>
Sabin: Wait, didn't he censor "shit" earlier?
Fletch: I don't know, but between the Eddies
line, and now a schizophrenic with a random southern accent, I'm
seriously wondering how much of this our time-traveler friend stole
from the Dark Tower books. So far we've got Eddie Dean and
Suzannah in the picture... maybe Oy if we count "Davey"'s fox-half. I
think we can make all 5 at this rate.
Seriously, if Old Man Coyote didn't put a mnemonic filter to
slow the de-archiving down somewhat . . ."
"Yeah, but *Two Hundred plus* archives? Ah only got
*one* and it's giving me crap!"
"I *know*! That's why I'm so damned JEALOUS AT
Sabin: Jealousy IN THE FACE! *SLAM*
Edward got up to mock throttle David but to his
surprise, he found that his body did not protest as it used
to one bit. He noticed that his arms and back can move now
without pain. He got up and walked a few steps and only
detected a slight limp.
"Remember, Kickaha? I had your butt roboticized . . .
It's the cure for what ails ya!"
Fletch: "You'd think you might have noticed this,
since you were obviously up and about before I was, filling my mouth
with salsa and all!"
Ed was brought to his knees. "You did it to me again,
Old Man. I can't believe it."
Sabin: "You turned my butt into a robot again, you bastard."
Fletch: "So that guy Tex... is really a robot.
And you're his boyfriend. That makes you... a gay robot." "Yeah. I'm a
Later that night, the two were standing outside under
the moonlight. David had something on his mind, but he
didn't know whatever or not to tell it to Edward. You see,
it was about his vision, and he doesn't know yet which ones
he's supposed to keep to himself and which ones to share.
Fletch: ...he had multiple visions? This is the
problem with "fast-forward" being a part of the story's opening. He can
pull shit out of nowhere and I don't know if he's making it up as he
goes along or if I missed something entirely.
But then Edward started talking. "Bright moon tonight. Big
too. It appears to be coming closer."
"Yeah. I had that feeling too."
The too looked at each other surprised. "The Vision."
"You had it too."
"Yeah. It seemed to be a warning or something."
Sabin: Here in Salsa Land, everyone enjoys partaking in Halted Sentences Hour.
"Zordon did say somethin' about me bein' an important
player in th' fight of Good and Evil. It just that . . ."
Fletch: All that line needed was some brackets
and it would be a Xenogears reference before its time. "[Zordon] said I
was important in the battle of [Good] and [Evil]..."
Just then, as his voice trails off. Davey's eyes
glowed red, as it often does when the built-in heads-up
display activates. His vision switches to a virtual reality
Sabin: He also turned his accent off.
Fletch: And the grammar off. From present tense
to past, and from "eyes" to "it often does", he just can't resist
breaking almost every rule of English that there is, was, and has been.
Will be. Damnit, time-traveling authors mess me up.
"Edward. I just got a Target Acquisition. Someone's
falling from the sky, and without a parachute!! Over
Edward found the plummeting person through some
binoculars. "Oh my god! You're right!!"
Fletch: You guys just woke up in the middle of nowhere. How the hell did you find binoculars all of a sudden? For that matter, where did the salsa come from?!
"We've gotta catch her before she goes splat on the
Fletch: Once more: in the middle of nowhere. Pavement arrived... when?
Davey reached for his Morpher. "Power Suit
Activate! Command Jetpack Launch!!"
A flash of orange light, and Davey's clothing has
changed. He didn't look like a Power Ranger at all to
Edward. Davey was more dressed for Masters of the Maze.
Sabin: Gonterman experiments with the boundaries of poetic description.
Fletch: Or acid. There's always the possibility of experimenting with acid, to write like this.
Davey's power suit resembled a high-tech football uniform
minus the helmet. His left arm was changed to a robotic
limb with what looked like a laptop computer crammed into
it. There were other jealousy-inducing ultra-high-tech
things strapped to every limb on his body. "Who are you, my
next victim to my twit smashing club?
Fletch: Maybe it's just me, but when someone's
talking, laughing, and sharing food with me, I don't instantly say I
need to hit them with a "twit-smashing club" within ten seconds for no
Granted, I actually have a twit-smashing club, and I save it for twits. Maybe those not trained in their use just swing 'em around willy-nilly.
One of the Zords? That new UltraNinjaZord, I'd wager."
"How'd you know. Eddie?" Davey said as *wings* popped
out the back, and he took off after the damsel on distress.
Sabin: New Tampax UltraNinjaZord, now with *wings*
"Hah! Who said chivalry ain't dead! Waitaminute!
How'd he know that it's a *girl* falling? This I've got to
see!" Edward reached for his car and followed. Thrilled to
see some action after being retired from the army. "Hmmm.
I'd wonder what color *I* would be? So help me, if I get
purple, I'll defect to Rita Repulsaa!"
Having an on-board biochip that can track falling women
Sabin: And nothing else
Fletch: Maybe it's just me, but I think I'd spend
the extra $20 and make sure it detected falling men, too. Or falling
objects in general, really.
and project their trajectory on top of Davey's HUD, he had
no trouble reaching an intercept course with the
Unidentified Falling Babe. He got up under her, signaled a
fair catch, and allowed her to land into his arms like the
opening kickoff at the Super Bowl.
His eyes widened when he recognized *who* he just
caught. So did Edward, when Davey swooped back to the
ground, de-morphed back to his 'civilian' clothes, and
settled his catch onto the ground safely. "I'll be damned.
Old Man Coyote was on the money! The moon *did* fall on top
"Yeah. A *Sailor* Moon."
Sabin: Gonterman displays his skills at crafting metaphors. American Kitsune just got even more sophisticated
The two stared at the blond Japanese schoolgirl that
either of them recognized in their Anime studies. She's
supposed to be a leader of a group like the Power Rangers in
Sabin: See? She's associated with a group of
people, much like Power Rangers consists of a group of people. A
crossover only makes sense.
but she has the odious difficulty of being the
Japanese version of an air head. Her Power Suit resembles
the 'Sailor Suits' schoolgirls like her wear, but here, it
has torn into tatters, barely hiding the naughty parts of
She was bruised and beaten up, to the point that
Davey and Edward wanted to find the dork responsible and
commit a ritual mutilation.
Sabin: Yes, beating up schoolgirls is "dorky." We're gonna find the guy responsible and give him a swirly.
Fletch: I love how they won't just beat the guy
up, they'll "commit a ritual mutilation". Me, I always preferred the
logic of "hit opponent, run before cops get there", but maybe that's
because I don't have a sentai suit and brain damage.
Her hair, in her distinctive
rabbit ear ponytails, have seen better days.
Davey brushed the blond hair out of her eyes. "You
aright, ma'am," hoping that she would recognize what he just
said as friendly, even if it *was* in a language she would
Her eyes fluttered open, and saw the man who supposedly
saved her from becoming street pizza. She didn't recognized
him. He looked American, kinda cute, and he was speaking in
English, a language she hasn't grasped yet,
Sabin: Nor a language that David had fully grasped yet.
and in a heavy accent that she heard about only in rumor. She struggled to
speak. "k-k-konichi wa-a-a-a . . . n-no speak redneck . . ."
Fletch: And to think, she's supposed to be the
idiot, but she not only knows how to speak English despite having "not
grasped it yet", and she knows rednecks when she sees one.
Then she fainted in his arms.
David and Edward looked at each other. "I think we
should take her inside." "Yeah."
David carried the fallen Sailor Moon into the car and
took her back to Edward's home.
To Be Continued...