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Self-Assembly Can't Pull Itself Together

Everyone seems to work from home these days don't they? Or at least, most people seem to have some kind of office or study at home. I recently made the decision to join this twenty-first century craze and make my own office in my one bedroom flat. It was certainly a challenge, space being against me, much like gravity, but I would not be defeated. So I set to work, moved furniture, and mountains, threw things out that were of minimal importance such as the sofa and TV and everything that took up floor space, et voila, I had my own office.

A couple of days later I realised something was missing from my newly created home office, which is actually just a remote corner of my tiny living room. I'd have to buy a desk for my computer to go on because at the moment I'm just sitting in my comfy new chair swivelling round and round with this heavy computer tower and monitor perched rather precariously on my lap. It's only going to be a matter of time before the computer gets sick and throws its microchips up all over me and my new chair.

So anyway I went back to the shop and bought a computer desk. I bought this particular one because it seemed simple to put together. The fact it was the cheapest one they had was just a coincedence. It claimed to be self assembly. Does anyone else feel the idea of self assembly is rather misleading? After juggling a bloody heavy and obscure-shaped box containing the computer desk I made it home. I landed inside my front door, planted the box in my living room and waited. Nothing happened. I checked the description in the catalogue again because I was thinking they'd given me the wrong item. Despite having a giant life-like picture of the desk striking an iconic pose on the side of the box, how could I know they didn't mix the boxes up in the warehouse or change the stickers for a laugh? So I checked the description. It definitely said self assembly. I then begin wondering if the box had a secret button I needed to find to activate the self-assembly mechanism. Maybe tickling its soft spot would make it erupt into life, it would jump out of the box, does a few acrobatics and lands with a perfect 10 in the corner of my living room. Still nothing happened. I kicked it and it fell over defiantly. Finally some action. It just lay there mocking me, thinking 'this idiot hasn't got a clue'. Well I had the last laugh. I picked up my hammer and really went to town on it. Smashed it limb from limb. 'Not laughing now are ya, stupid planks of wood' I said aloud with an evil chuckle.

In the end I took it back to the shop. The shop assistant said 'sir you can't return it in that condition'.

I replied 'why not? All I did was give it some encouragement, it's not my fault it couldn't put itself together is it? It said self assembly in the catalogue. You sold me a lazy, non self-assembling, insulting computer desk and I want my money back. I didn't pay good money to be mocked by planks of wood. I get enough of that from my family as it is, they already think I'm as thick as two short planks'. Unable to argue with such reasonable gibbering logic she took the box and refunded me my money and I went on my way.

Later that week I actually did manage to find a self-assembled computer desk. It was free from someone that already had it in their house so I just stole / borrowed it and threw it in the car and took it home. Wouldn't you know it; all wooden tales have a happy ending.