in captivitatem redigentes omnem intellectum in obsequium Christi
every thought captive
Buried at the heart of suffering is the deep concern that we have been forsaken. Underneath every question, every grasping to understand, is the search for something - some sign that can assure us we are not alone, that we have not been left or forgotten.
Out of the depths, we cry in the desperate hope that we have not been abandoned, that the silence is not absence, or indifference, or inattentiveness. And we pause, we wait.
In this silent space, do not speak answers to unasked questions.
We desire healed wounds, redeemed suffering, defeated evil, but these longings will not be satisfied if we have no one to whom we can cling. We need a grip on a fidelity that is present within the depths. We need the assurance that we are unforsaken.
To suffer with the other is to answer the deep concern that we have been abandoned, that we must fight and fend for ourselves. To suffer with the other is to be a felt presence in the silence. Felt, it flickers hopes, quickening the heart. It binds the first wound - that despairing thought that there is no love at the heart of things.
There is no redemption or defeat of suffering without presence.
Today, I heard redemptive words. He said, “I’m so sorry. I thought about you the whole time I was preaching.” It was an aside, a thoughtful small gesture grounded in a deep concern, an abiding care to say words that can be credible in the presence of devastating suffering. And these words were salve.
We go to the graves. We go to sit before matter and weight, stone monuments to death's power.
Each visit - an act of resistance. Each visit - a testament to love's hope that the finality of death can be unraveled, that Love can dull death's sting, that what has been lost can be restored.
We go to the graves. We stand absorbing the matter of an always present absence, the weight of separation. We go to the graves, but we go with hope.
You saw my frailty and you understood it; you appreciated it in ways others could not. But more than this, you received my frailty and made it your own. You did not admire it from afar; you came close and took on infirmity for me. You did not see fit to remain strong from a distance, you came near knowing that you might become weak. And now you are weak on account of me. We are weak together, fellow-travelers in frailty. Together, we now share a common frailty. And you share in it because you loved me, because you are friend.
We shared a love for him. And I am better for it. It is not merely the fact that I loved him that has made me better. I would have been better if it was my love alone. But we loved jointly; we loved him together as a family. This has multiplied my love.
Why is this? Why is it that loving shared has made my love more complete?
I see one way. The fact that I could experience you loving him, that I could see the distinct ways in which you sought his good, has drawn my attention to aspects of love that I might have otherwise missed. Your bodily experience of nurturing him has imaged for me what it means to receive and welcome another, what it means to offer hospitality. All of my welcoming now stands in relation to your physical act of love. It is an embodied act of tending to the needs of the other. It is exemplified in your selfless care.
I see another way. The fact that you both loved him in distinct ways has drawn my attention to facets of his value that I might not otherwise appreciate. That he was little brother, that you knew his frame intimately as it stretched your abdomen - I can’t know what these are like. They are separate from me, but the fact that we love him together means I can experience them within your perspective. I have come to appropriate them as my own indirectly.
I see yet another way. Your loves for him were and are distinct from mine, but the fact that we love him jointly means that I participate in your individual love for him. In this way, my love is multiplied and extended. And the fact that you both could experience my love for him distinct as it was from your own has brought you into my love for him as well. This love multiplies; it does not divide or diminish.
My love for him would have been enough to make me better. But our love together as a family has deepened and extended me in ways alone I could not have achieved. I am better because we loved him together. I am better now because we continue to love him together. Our sorrows are shared; so are our joys. Our love is shared, multiplied and multiplying.
I don’t sit here often. I walk through. I let my hand gently touch his name as I enter. I hardly stop.
But today, I sit and stare at my reflection outlined vaguely in the columbarium walls. And I stay.
My hands ache to hold him again - a minute more. To see him grow like his brother - a year more. To watch him feel the warmth, and grace, and joy of his mother - how much more would have been enough?
There aren’t enough days. There isn’t enough time.
So, I sit looking at a name and dates: birth and death separated by hours. And I feel the weight again.
Those were beautiful hours - better than I could possibly understand. If only we could have stayed there. I would have built a tent. But we had to come down; we had to walk away. Another step further today.
We cast our gaze backward. We call to mind consolations, the gifts of silence and presence. And we see our sheltered tears, shared sadnesses.
We dwell in the eternity that passed in a few short hours. We let our eyes wander over the scene, we bring it back to view it with eyes unclouded. We let our memory guide to the unnoticed significant things.
In the present and ongoing absences, we create new traces of our hopes and fears entangled, inseparable. We sit with them wondering whether we will find them gone too quickly like him.
I write them down because I want to lodge them in me. His smallness, the tenderness of those who cared, the gift of time, the grace, the grace warm in my arms. Her soft voice, her heart extended in sweet words, her gentle embrace holding him now lifeless. I gaze at his ears, a little notch in one. My moments holding him in silence, kissing his colder forehead, mumbling words he could not understand. These moments knowing he knew my voice, my touch, my love.
I write thousands of little words again and again. I carry them with me for moments when sadness overwhelms, when devastating hits with fresh bitterness. I make them part of me so that I will not abide the falsely speaking moods. I make remembering my habit; I live here - in the place where sadness finds itself in an expressible presence and peace.
Grief is the day in and day out chafing against cords binding the wounded together. We are frayed.
Three years after - always after.
Stand near his name, ashes sealed behind.
Note brother’s height to measure the years.
Feel the weight and the depth.
Feel its breadth -
Love, abiding love.
There is joy in hope. There is joy in remembering. But joy is the rest - the quieting of longing in the gifts of love.
How do I hold these together?
When I hope, it’s the longing that tilts me forward. When I remember, I buckle under the weight of longings unfulfilled. Where is the quiet of joy in hope’s longings? Where is joy’s rest in memory’s residue?
Hope holds me fast to a good yet to come. It imagines this good present - fixes it in the center. It sows seed and shoots roots. Memory anchors me to a good now lost. I drag it forward and linger in its graces.
The joy here is not the cessation of longings; it is the faltering participation in a goodness which never was fragile.