24 Hour Ben Folds Watch

Up-To-Date Feed On What Ben Folds Is Doing

[3:15] Ben is awake unusually early. He is flinging dry cornflakes into a hat, for some reason.

[3:54] Ben has only just stopped playing the cornflakes hat game. He's taking a shower, fully-clothed, wearing the hat.

[4:12] Ben is calling someone on the phone then hanging up as soon as they answer. He's done this about 26 times so far.

UPDATE: The number Ben is dialing is his own voice-mail.

[4:25] Ben is crying.

[4:28] There's a knock on Ben's door. He is ducking behind a ficus.

[4:32] There is a large sparse patch where Ben has been nibbling the ficus.

[4:33] The mailman has given up, and left the package on the doorstep.

[4:34] The chorus to "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus has been in Ben's head for seven hours at this point.

[4:45] Ben has fashioned himself a beard out of ficus leaves, and is peering over Louis' bed.

UPDATE: The package is a restraining order. Unclear from whom.

UPDATE: Ben sent it to himself.

[4:50] Ben seems antsy and impatient. He is repeatedly pushing the minute hand on his clock forward

[4:52] Ben is reading a tattered copy of the May 2004 issue of Better Homes And Gardens Magazine.

[5:01] Ben is crying.

[5:15] Ben has put Merry Christmas banners up in the lounge room, although it is still May.

[5:18] Ben is trying to figure out in what key his fridge is humming.

[5:19] Ben is now trying to figure out which key on his keyring opens his refrigerator. NOTE: Ben's refrigerator, like most refrigerators, has no lock.

[5:20] Ben realized there was a beehive inside his fridge. He has been stung maliciously upon attempting to retrieve delicious honeycombs for cereal.

[5:20] As he suffers more bee stings, Ben determines that his refrigerator is humming in the key of D, and furthermore that it is humming "Brick."

[5:21] Ben immediately rushes to the piano, and appears to have an exciting idea. 

[5:24] Ben is writing "Brick" again.

[5:25] Ben is crying.

[5:27] Ben is on the phone with the label, hysterically begging for money.

[5:29] Special guest "Fashionista", Carson Kressley, gives Ben a complete makeover.

[5:33] Ben gets a phone call. It's Jared. Ben is supposed to be in Iowa for a show at 8:00 PM.

[5:35] Ben attempts to book a flight online but realises that all his credit cards are being rejected, and his computer repossessed.

[5:37] Ben calls his mother, Scottie Folds, to see if she can give him a ride to Iowa. She informs him that she is in North Carolina, and Iowa is out of her way. Ben decides to attempt the drive himself in his Volkswagen Jetta.

[5:44] Ben ponders how similar his car keys look to his refrigerator keys.

[5:48] Ben has been sitting in his car for seven minutes, staring at his keys.

[5:55] Ben is finally on the road. He is listening to his "On The Road" mixtape. It consists solely of "Rent-A-Cop".

[18:37] After approximately twelve hours of driving, and over 140 listens of "Rent-A-Cop," Ben reaches his destination. Unfortunately, Ben has driven to the town of Iowa, Louisiana (Pop. 2663).

[18:41] Ben realizes it would take over half a day to reach the venue.

[18:43] Ben is crying.

[18:45] In a sudden moment of inspiration Ben has decided to put on an impromptu show in Iowa, Louisiana (Pop. 2663). Unfortunately, the residents of Iowa, Louisiana (Pop. 2663) have never heard of Ben Folds.

[18:49] Equally as unfortunate, Ben does not have a piano at his disposal. He is attempting to use the car horn of his Volkswagen Jetta as a musical instrument.

[18:49] No one thought "Rock This Bitch For Iowa, LA" was funny.

[18:55] After an inventive, but noisy, car-horn rendition of "Narcolepsy", Ben is confronted by local police.

[18:57] Ben is crying.

[18:59] This audience recording has surfaced: http://tinyurl.com/66hox3 

[19:19] Ben has fallen in love with a female audience member.

UPDATE: He's proposing!

[19:21] The female in question has rejected his engagement (key) ring, saying he is already married and indicating his own rings. He attempts to take them off but his fingers are still puffy from the bee stings.

[19:25] Ben is struck with a sudden, unexplainable craving for English muffins.

[21:20] Ben is playing The Jetsons pinball in a small corner take-away store. He just got an extra ball. There's a brown paper bag full of snacks and toiletries at his side.

[21:31] Ben is crying.

[21:45] Ben checks into a Motel 6, and requests extra towels from the front desk.

[21:56] Ben is sitting in his motel room wearing a big towel turban.

[22:09] Ben turns on to watch some porn, only to realize that the Motel 6 TV doesn't have PPV. This is because it is a hotel that costs $30 a night.

[22:17] Ben fills the bathtub with freezing cold water and calls the front desk to ask if they have any bubble bath. They don't.

[22:20] Ben picks up the phone again and this time calls the United States Post Office automated system to find out the price of sending a 6x4 package weighing 3.5 lbs. It's unclear why he is doing this.

[22:24] Ben unhooks the phone and places it into a box.

[23:02] Ben lays all the socks he's packed out on the bed and sorts them from darkest to lightest. He then puts on flip-flops.

[23:24] Ben leaves the hotel without checking out and heads to the nearest Greyhound station. At the ticket window he attempts to purchase a ticket for Adelaide, Australia. When he is told that Greyhound doesn't have service to Adelaide, he becomes confused.

[23:25] Ben is crying.

[23:26] Ben suddenly remembers that he has a new wife named Fleur something. He wonders where she's at right now.

[23:30] Ben pulls the motel phone out of the box and tries to call Fleur, but he can't remember the phone number. Also he's at a Greyhound station, so the phone is not hooked up.

[23:40] Ben purchases a ticket to LA for 01:00 and settles into a chair with his worn copy of He's Just Not That Into You.

[23:52] Ben has his scarf stolen by a man smelling faintly of urine, and who claims to be Jesus.

[23:58] Ben suddenly realizes that that man was actually his old bandmate Robert Sledge.

[24:00] Ben throws food at the man to distract him.

[0:02] The man brutally hits Ben with an old bass guitar. 

[0:03] Ben uses his levitation powers to avoid another blow.

[00:42] After 39 minutes of receiving more "blows" from Robert, Ben runs off to find a doctor.

[01:10] Ben discovers that doctors require appointments, so he throws a shoe at the receptionist and makes his way to a clinic.

[1:17] On the way, Ben stops at a post office and mails the boxed telephone that he took from the motel.

[1:18] Ben realizes that post offices aren't open at 1:17 in the morning, and realizes he just stuck the box in a dumpster thinking it was a post office.

[1:20] Ben returns to the dumpster and retrieves his package. Even though he shouldn't have to because the post office doesn't have to be open to mail something. But what the fuck ever, I'm not the postmaster general like Grant over here, just saying.

[1:21] Ben realizes he probably couldn't have mailed it from a closed post office anyway cause he didn't just happen to have the correct postage for a 3.5 pound package, and the post offices around there didn't have any stamp vending machines, so he probably shouldn't have been sending Grant those bad vibes earlier.

[1:22] Ben is crying.

[1:25] Ben seems to be struggling with deep-rooted and violent voices in his head.

[1:30] Ben is extremely tired. He sees a subway sign, and considers this his next best chance to get to Adelaide. The door is locked, and he begins slamming his fists against it and shouting angrily.

[1:33] Ben realizes he is pounding on the door of a Subway sandwich shop. He is very tired.

[1:34] Ben desperately tries to remember the names of his children.

[1:35] He seems to remember that one of his children is named Jared, and the other is named Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki.

[1:40] Ben attempts to eat his own hand. He has not eaten in over a day.

[1:56] Ben has returned to the corner store to see if anyone has beat his high score on The Jetsons pinball, despite the fact that i)the store is closed ii)he didn't get the high score.

[1:57] Ben is attempting to unlock the store with his fridge keys.

[2:01] Ben calls directory assistance and asks for the number of Arthur, King of the Brittons. He is given the phone number to the local Burger King. He orders a Whopper.

[2:06] Ben is crying.

[2:09] Ben tells Garfield that there is a lasagna outside the back of the store, but not to touch it, as it's for dinner. "Garfield" responds by telling Ben that he is an officer of the law.

[2:13] The officer of the law gives Ben $50, suspecting him to be an insane, homeless man.

[2:16] Ben wanders into a laundromat and now has $50 in quarters.

[2:20] Ben is crying.

[2:21] Ben sees a passing SUV and starts hurling quarters at it, while screaming the lyrics to "All U Can Eat" at the top of his lungs.

[2:23] Ben is attempting to call Louis. He is continuing to call even as no one answers, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it is two in the morning.

[2:35] Ben pulls a ticket out of his pocket. He realizes he has missed the 1:00 bus. 

[2:36] Ben is crying.

[2:37] Ben dries his tears with his ticket.

[2:45] Ben checks into the local optometrist. He has received a nasty paper-cut on the lens of his eye and may have to wear an eye-patch for several weeks.

[3:01] Ben puts on an impromptu concert for the optometrist, but is escorted from the building during "Bitches Ain't Shit"

[3:02] Passerby's spit in his eye out on the sidewalk, after witnessing this event. Fortunately for Ben it's the same eye which is now protected by his new eye-patch.

[5:02] Inspired by his eyepatch, Ben has spent the last two hours trying to tell his pirate joke to anyone who will listen. No one will.