Aberdeen Hash House Harriers AGPU 2022
18th September 2022
Location: AGM A2B
Hares: Shaky & Red Stripe
For the first time ever I didn’t get the bus to the AGM run. Well – I did, but only after driving to Banchory first which sort of means it didn’t count. A bit damp in Banchory – I joined the hares and Sir Deadmund Hillary as we waited patiently for the bus. It was delayed a little – the reason became clear later. Still, it wasn’t too long a ride: we were soon enjoying that pre-run pee in the bushes near the AA box on the Cairn O Mount road.
GM Fireflaps called us to order, and, incredibly, appointed yours truly as scribe for the day. Thanks. All I caught of the early proceedings was a pre run down down for Glasgow - something to do with a taxi, no idea what. And;
Toy Boy Tom was awarded his 400th run sweatshirt. Well done that man – we’ll make a real hasher of you yet!!
Shaky and Red Stripe gave us the usual instructions and we were off into the woods. It may be just me, but I find there aren’t many conspicuous landmarks when in woods, just trees, trees and more trees. Don’t get me wrong – I like trees – it just means that I can’t tell you where we went, I have no idea. There was a pond at one point, and a couple of small streams and a road or two but I can’t be more specific than that. Oh, and a bridge – that was quite near the beer check which was by a river.
Rocks were chucked into the river in an attempt to soak the youngest and furthest out hound – Search Party. I’m not sure it was too successful though. The inevitable group photos were taken and then we wandered off towards B – which was at our regular Brig of Bogendreip carpark. The end of the run after 100 minutes or so. Plenty for me!
After a short bus ride to Knockburn and some time spent refuelling on excellent bbq nosh prepared by Weasel Arse, (a visiting friend of Twizzle’s apparently), we circled up in the cool breeze for the marathon down down session that is our AGPU……
I expect that most of you reading this were there, so the following list of offenders should, I hope, make some sense!
Mad Cyclist was the first to do a turn as RA, and he focused on the bus journey. He awarded himself a dd for no apparent reason – probably because he knew he’s get one anyway, and wanted to get one down while we were still paying attention. Then there was:
The Penguin – announcing that he was planning a sleep on the bus.
Sir Deadmund Hillary – tooting the bus driver from the safety of his BMW.
Careless – dull as shit engineering conversation on the bus.
Olymprick – shouting at local runners.
Sergio and Glasgow – for taking the piss out of Mad Cyclist on WhatsApp prior to the run (he should have done T-Rex Cock as well).
GM Fireflaps – delaying the bus in Culter so she could get champers from the Spar shop.
Prickly Bush – for being “cozy”.
Eveready - for being too cozy and threatening to strip.
Canna Be Arsed then gave a dd to Mad Cyclist for putting us through the above. Then he gave one to Toy Boy Tom for some sort of cold welding failure. Then Shaky called out Olymprick for being a fair weather hasher.
Next Sir Deadmund Hillary told us about the year 2022 “whether we wanted to hear it or not”.
“Do you want to know the historical significance of AGPU 2022?
In which year do you think Russia invaded Ukraine?
When Vladimir Putin heard that Russian soldiers are getting sick in Ukraine, what did he do?
He sent a health inspector.
The inspector asked a general
How do you prepare the drinking water?
First, we filter it. Then what? Then we boil it. Then what?
Then we throw it away and drink vodka!
Sadly 2022 was the year Queen Elizabeth II died.
What did the Royals ask the public not to leave as tributes?
Paddington bears and marmalade sandwiches.
Why? – because Paddington is not compostable or combustible when it comes to getting rid of all the floral tributes.
People are leaving marmalade sandwiches as a sign of respect to the queen.
Unfortunately, the grey squirrels thought it was party time.
Perhaps the Royals thought that the Wombles of Wimbledon may descend on London and start fighting the squirrels for the soft toys.
This wouldn’t look good on international TV.
How did the world of sport pay tribute to the Queen?
Cricket continued with the oval test to pay tribute to the queen.
The football league postponed all matches as a mark of respect for the queen.
This shows the impact that queen had on our lives
- that doing or not doing almost anything can be claimed to be showing respect.
Yesterday - I asked my lazy bastard son if he was going to eat his broccoli?
He said, “No dad, it’s my tribute to the queen”.
Why were the British cycling federation criticized?
The British cycling federation were criticized for strongly recommending that people do not ride their bicycles during the Queen's funeral.
It is not entirely clear why riding a bicycle would be seen as disrespectful.
Maybe they should have been more specific – like avoid riding a unicycle - in a clown outfit - inside Westminster Abbey - during the service.
Anyway, to be fair – the British cycling federation made a U-turn!!!
So, when discussing AGPU 2022 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention – Long live the King”
Sir Deadmund Hillary
Finally we moved onto the run itself!!
Mad Cyclist a down down for constantly retying his laces. And one to
Eveready for having her trousers on inside-out.
Next the “brolly boys” were called out – for carrying umbrellas on the run – Numskull, The Bitchhh, Bin Liner and Penguin were the offenders here.
Mr Sheen drank because his trainers were too white, and
Rats because his posh fishing clothing was deemed “too smart” for the likes of us. I think he only turned up to get fed on the way home from the pond he had been at.
Proceedings were then halted while Muff Diver “Jake the Pegged” his way across the circle on his new hip. Lubrication was given.
A group missed the beer check – Not Dot, Roger Me More, Drillbit, Careless – Numskull was blamed for their absence, not sure why. Perhaps he didn’t let them look at the map?
Canna Be Arsed then took over –
Underlay was first for a sip, for ignoring him on a late night bus no matter how loud he shouted ON ON!!
Ballerina then had a drink for something I missed – maybe to do with being hash beer?
Next we went inside and sampled the crumbles – well done those chefs and cheffesses! As we reconvened the judges gave us the results: in 3rd place was GM Flaps, 2nd was Roger Me More and first place (with two entries apparently) was BALLERINA! Stalker was singled out for failing the brief – she made a lattice pie rather than a crumble. All the crumble makers then took a drink.
(Actually your scribe was somewhat miffed not to have been asked to help judge the crumble competition! I don’t expect it would have made any difference to the result but it would have allowed me to sample ALL the entries, instead of only half of them!).
Back to the business at hand: Twizzle gave 4Fingers a down down for locking the Knockburn bathroom door while she took a shower – this stopped any of the girls being able to get in for a pee – much to their consternation!
4Fingers than invited Sauerkraut for a drink – because he lent her his woolly hat to carry fungi back from the run!
Shaky then picked on Eveready for running out of battery, Mr Sheen and Ballerina for a “last place” race, and finally to Red Stripe for being the best co-hare.
Twizzle then gave both hares, Shaky and Red Stripe, a drink for being hares for the day – well done both.
Now we moved onto the AGPU! OneLiner was our esteemed master of ceremonies for this august event. (Held in September – I know, I know).
First order of business was a down down for the outgoing committee. The GM gave each one a tiny little cup with “The Best” and their committee position on – “The Best Hash Cash” for instance. A little pointless I thought but far be it for me to point this out…..
As luck would have it the vast majority of this year’s committee felt able to serve another year – saving us from long drawn out voting procedures – so well done them! In case anyone thinks they got away with it, this is what I recorded:
GM – Fireflaps – unopposed.
Joint Masters – Shaky and the Bitchhh (they’ll both do nothing someone said).
Hash Cash – Glasgow – unopposed.
On Sec – Little Shit – unopposed.
Head Hare – Panty Pockets – unopposed.
Hash Beer – Ballerina and Hippo (assisted by Numskull).
Social Sex – Ice Breaker and Red Stripe.
RA – Twizzle and Aids – unopposed (what – no room for Mad Cyclist???).
Haberdasher – Underlay – unopposed.
Songmeister – Bag O Bones & Not Dot (she writes ‘em, he sings ‘em as per Elton & BT).
Olymprick – having been quiet for too long then awarded a down down to One Liner for getting us through this legislation virtually unscathed. Then he awarded a drink to Bin Liner for being another “Liner”
And so to the awards for the previous hash year. RA Aids was on hand to take us through them. First was the prestigious Run of the Year or Best Trail if you prefer: most nominations were for a run by Tonto and Eggfoo, but of those present on the day it was a tie between Not Dot and Biggles and Icebreaker and Red Stripe.
Next: Best Scribe – there were many nominations for this – half the pack got at least one but the winner was Icebreaker.
Worst Trail: this went to Stalker and the Bitchhh, with honourable mentions for Barbarella and Sauerkraut.
Worst Scribe – Barbarella – unanimously I think, although it would have been better described as “no scribe”!
Hash Crash – this went to Numskull, for some misdemeanour or other in son Lewis’s van. Honourable mention for Search Party here apparently.
AH3 Fashion Icon of the year – almost unanimously awarded to Bin Liner – who else?
Hash Misogynist – Barbarella. No idea why.
Next – the strangely worded New Meat award: it went to Try Me Love Me, but Struth got an honourable mention.
FRBOTY – our fastest runner would appear to be Tick Bait this year (honourable mention to Underlay too).
SCB of the year – Olymprick just stole this one from Bruce Almighty.
Hash Shit – we were told that the Bitchhh came a distant second to Barbarella for this award! For misdemeanours too numerous to mention apparently.
Hash Beer of the Year – a limited field for this one but the winner was clearly Ballerina.
Then the owners of all the hash hounds were called out for a sip (hardly an award then): Fireflaps, Bin Liner, Fifi, Mad Cyclist, T- Rex Cock, Muff Diver, and The Bitchhh.
Then the Hash Shit toilet seat, which had strangely gone missing, was found and Barbarella was given another drink -wearing said toilet seat this time.
The final few awards (I can hear you sigh from here – how do you think I feel?) were as follows:
Best GM – the GM ffs.
Best Hash hostess – Glasgow and Struth
Most forgetful – Bin Liner or Drillbit – I can’t remember which one got it. Perhaps both.
Crawler(???) – T Rex Cock
Noisiest Hasher: Sir Deadmund Hillary apparently.
And….. the AGPU drew to a close at 5.25 precisely…..almost:
Red Stripe then gave all today’s RA’s a down down for their sterling work – Aids, Mad Cyclist, Twizzle and Canna Be Arsed.
Then, after a bit of tidying up it was back on the bus for the ride home.
Hope all the attendees had a nice time. And if you weren’t there – I bet you are sorry you missed it!
Should there be a next time – until then.
You are all welcome to the Aberdeen H3 AGPU - Sun 18th Sept 2022
We will be providing a bus transfer from and to Aberdeen with pick-ups and drop offs along the way (TBC nearer the time)
There will be an excellent trail with the usual AGPU circle at the end.
PLEASE FILL IN THE ATTACHED FORM WHETHER YOU ARE ATTENDING OR NOT (YOUR VIEWS ARE IMPORTANT!)
This form will:
· Let us know if you wish to be nominated for a committee position
· Tell us your nominations for the ANNUAL AH3 AWARDS
· Allow you to choose options for food, beverage and bus pick times if you are attending AGPU
· Share your 2000th run memories
One form per person.
If you are attending the Cost is £20 per head.
Payment: by bank transfer:
To ensure we can match payments to your registration make sure you ID yourself.
Account Name: ABERDEEN HASH HOUSE HARRIERS
Account No: 00100768
SORT Code: 80-12-06
REF: ‘AGPU’ and your name to identify the payment
· DOGS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON SITE - THAT INCLUDES INSIDE PARKED CARS OR BUSES!
· Limited/ no mobile phone coverage at the site.
· Consider bringing a change of clothes, towel, a drinking vessel (not glass), and possibly a fold up chair!