How Much Weight Can You Lose Drinking Water. Low Fat Cake Recipe.
I Don't Want to Die Inside just to Breathe in
(long description. but worth it. ) With the diet I’ve been on I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight and I remembered how it felt to…well in the world’s eyes…starve myself. I guess I must have shut out everything from last year, I mentioned it in my truths but…it’s time I showed you THE most personal thing I possibly could. Here is a bit of writing I have about last winter during everything. I stood on the scale for the thirteenth time that day. It was repulsive and ridiculous. I knew the numbers wouldn’t fall off in a matter of minutes but still I strived for the moment one of those numbers chose to shed a bit of skin. To rid themselves of their bright red doom. It didn’t happen. So again the process began. I stood in front of the mirror bare with nothing but my skin to dress my bones. I now know, a sickly figure stood where my reflection should have been. But at the moment I saw past the ridged rippled waves of my rib cage - jolting forward as if it were attempting to break from my body completely. I saw past my hip bones who were like sharp knives trying to cut through their own prison. I even looked past the tight firmness of my muscles as my hands caressed its destroyer. With the dull eyes of a shark I looked past all evidence and directed my attention to the soft skin that wrapped around these failing bones. Quickly I dressed with disgust setting into my expression. One bottle of water. Three Cheerios. And a big smile to remind everyone…more so myself…that I’m still okay. That was all I needed. That was all I would allow. I was at 347 with agony ricocheting off every muscle. My head was lost in the numb pain. I focused on breathing but even that was difficult. My abs were tight. Beyond tight. I felt like they would swallow me whole but I refused to stop. Just one more. Just one more. There was no finish line. The finale was a seemingly unreachable goal that I was determined to reach but everyone would have known I couldn’t. With that end comes my expiry date. I don’t want that of course. But…I can’t stop myself. 348. When your such a good actress the line between your character and you start to erase itself. Until one day it’s gone completely. I think like this when the pain is bad. When my muscles are so sore and over worked that it kills me to move. I don’t let people see me like this. I say I’m sick. They wouldn’t care to know. Someone made a comment about me drinking a whole bag of milk in one sitting. They whined about all the fat in that and how that won’t do anything good for my ‘figure’. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to tell her that it was the first thing I had consumed in four days. Stupid people. They make this too easy. It’s an incredible feeling really. The way ecstasy pumps through your veins as the little red numbers finally do what’s right. 89. 89 pounds. It made everything worth while. The way school felt like a suffocating pressure that wraps itself around my neck. Or the way I was drained of any possible energy and my skating was suffering. Or even in the way that people had noticed the venom that rode off my tongue and the impatience that rested under my dying heart. It was all worth it because the searing bruise that danced throughout my entire body had cooled. If only for the moment. These celebrations were always only for a moment. I told someone. They asked why. I had to think. I have to think a lot lately. Think extra hard because I feel the world is spinning around me. Or maybe I’m standing dead center and gravity can’t hold on to me anymore. Maybe I’m spinning the world. All I know is three things crossed my spinning mind. Control. Release. Approval. But none made sense so I simply said, I hate my body and this fat. We both knew this was a lie. I even knew I wasn’t fat. This wasn’t about self image. It was something more. Something powerful. Something I couldn’t control. My sanity had been broken. My life was dissolving. And my body was stolen.water lilies
I took this photo yesterday at that birthday party I went to. I loved that the water was so clear that you could see the stems. I went to the vet with Crumbs today for his third injection. From now on, they will only be once a week. I was very worried, since he looked as if he had lost weight and he behaved quite apatethic. The neighbour told me, he was like this all day yesterday too. At the vet I could leave his transport-box open and even take him out, he wouldn't even try to run away. And he ignored the other cats in the waiting room completely. The vet looked at him thoroughly and couldn't find any worsening. His weight is still the same, he hasn't got fever, he's just the same as he was last time. She was convinced that the reason for him to be suddenly that apathetic, is purely psychological. She said, no matter how wonderfully that neighbour cares for him, and no matter how great they get along, he misses his furry mates and us and his usual surroundings. Cats do very much cling to their surroundings and they often mourn a while when they have to change that. But I don't have any other possibility of evacuating the other three and taking him back to my place, so he'll have to cope with the situation for the next few weeks. He sleeps in her bed, he sleeps on her desk-chair, he cuddles with her - I don't think he doesn't feel well with her, and she seems to be doing everything she can to make sure he eats and drinks enough and feels comfortable. She has put towels in her shelves and everywhere, so he doesn't have to sit on cold window sills and so on. They really seem to have made friends. But still... home is home - especially when you're sick.
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