Bereavement and Coping with Grief

Bereavement is the experience of us losing someone important to us. It is a highly personal experience and many people go through a range of recognisable reactions and emotions when someone they are close to dies. Grieving is the way we come to terms with bereavement. It’s a natural process, about coming to terms with loss, and gradually changing the nature of the bonds that attached us to the person we have lost. We have to come to accept that we will never see that person again in this life. Even when a death has been expected, grief can knock you off balance emotionally, physically and mentally. It is common to feel as though your world has fallen apart. You might have to deal with financial issues resulting from the loss or you may have to adapt to new routines which were previously shared with someone you have lost. Grieving is a personal and unique process, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve.

What are the Stages of Grief?

Experts generally accept that there are four stages of bereavement:

Accepting that your loss is real
Experiencing the pain of grief
Adjusting to life without the person who has died
Putting less emotional energy into grieving and putting it into something new (in other words, moving on)

You will probably go through all of these stages but you may not necessarily move from one stage to another smoothly. Grief can often feel chaotic and out of your control but these feelings will be come less intense as the time passes. It is important to remember to give yourself time as these feelings will pass.

You may feel shock and numbness. This is usually the first reaction to death and often people will say they feel in a daze. Shock is often associated with a sudden death, however, even when it is expected you still may experience shock. Shock affects every individual differently such as finding it hard to concentrate or throwing yourself into work and practical matters to try and limit the amount of time you may be thinking about a loved one. The feeling of disbelief is also common especially for those who feel they didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye. It may take you some time to accept reality but this is a natural process within the stages of grief.

You may also feel overwhelming sadness. In times of difficulty, it is more healthy to allow yourself to feel sad rather than pretending nothing has happened. Grief can often turn to anger. You may feel angry at the person who has died, the health system, a family member of God. These feelings are normal and it is important not to bottle up your anger. Talking to someone who is not emotionally involved in your loss can help.

Learning to Cope

Looking after yourself may not be the first thought whilst you are grieving however, acknowledging your feelings and expressing them is a vital part of the healing process. Grieving can feel like hard work, it can be exhausting and stressful. Remember, the grieving process can take time and there is no set time frame you must adhere too. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to your loved one.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There’s comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

Support for You

There are a number of helplines available if you feel you are struggling to cope with grief. As a Sheffield College member of staff, you have access to our Staff Helpline (Employee Assistance Programme) which is available 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year to give you support. All calls are answered by a trained professional and this service is completely confidential. The number is 0800 269 616.

Bereavement Advice Centre Helpline: 0800 634 9494. This helpline supports bereaved people on a range of practical issues from registering a death to finding a funeral director.

Cruse Bereavement Care Helpline: 0844 477 9400. Exists to promote the well-being of bereaved people and to enable anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. Provides counselling and support and offers information, advice and training services.

Compassionate Friends Helpline: 0845 123 2304. An organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering understanding, support and encouragement to others after the death of a child or children. The helpline is always answered by a bereaved parent who is there to listen when you need someone to talk to.

National Association of Widows: 0845 838 2261. A self-help organisation, run by widows, for widows, that offers comfort, friendship and a listening ear to widows and unmarried women who have lost a partner through bereavement.

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