My duty is to be beautiful
This is not as a demonstration of vanity but as a cushion of my reality
My duty is to take their words as awards
“She’s such a slut”
A slut /slət/ (noun): 1) A promiscuous woman
An accomplishment now,
Because I would not have half of what I have if I didn’t look good enough to be considered desirable, to be considered a “slut”
What harm does it do if I use my experiences to my advantage?
If I know how to be seen, how to be heard, how to win?
If I am able to be a mile ahead and look back at those standing in the dirt wondering how I got there, the same ones whispering profanities about me behind closed doors?
My duty is to be unthreatening
I have bright eyes, a big smile, a sickly sweet disposition
I have learned to always be infallible
Palatable to everyone who lays their eyes upon me, because my appearance is easier for them to digest than my intellect and my accomplishments
The typical feminism, the saving grace that encompasses my white female counterparts is not the kind that includes me
The alimony and understanding that they are offered doesn’t stretch quite as far to cover me as well
I’m a little too much
Too tanned
Far too sunkissed
The color of their skin opens a gate to them, a gate inside their minds and thoughts, a gate that ensures the validity of their beings
My duty reminds me that because of the color of mine, I must be a hundred times what they are to be considered the same way
When they talk about their experiences and their lives there is a sense of relatability there that I can’t quite connect to
Their womanhood is incomparable to mine
My duty is to be unashamed
I have opened doors for myself with clothing, and I have garnered crowds of attention through my words of flattery
I celebrate myself, and sing myself
And I will never be apologetic for the treatment that I have earned
The acceptance of my beauty being my secret oasis was painful when I was determined to be seen as more than a shell, a pretty mask
The acceptance was painful when the word “slut” still felt like being burned, like being branded, because I did not even think of myself as a woman yet
But it is not painful now
Because when I look back,
I see the boys who refused to listen to a word I said unless I was worth looking at
I see my white female counterparts who joined conversations with those same boys about me being a slut
The ones who didn’t stop them, the ones who agreed
I see them now, alone
The validation of those boys still completely out of their reach
I see all of them now, tiny on the horizon as I walk ahead
“She’s just well-liked because she’s pretty”
They may be right, I may just be nice to look at, but who is ahead now, and who is behind?
My duty is to be unignorable
If the only way the world will hear me is by touching my body with their eyes, then they can touch me now
If touch can make you hear then touch me now
Hear me now