As you get closer to a couple, problems will hopefully be exposed. The purpose of this material is to give you the courage and tools to address the most common moderate-level marriage issues.

To be used in session 2, after a session dedicated to getting acquainted. Give each spouse a copy to circle where they think they are at as a couple. Note their answers on your notes, lightly discuss the results, and then send both marriage health curve papers home with the couple. It is very likely they will have a lively discussion at home!

When you feel the advocacy relationship is going well, have each spouse separately fill this out.

Apologies are seldom offered. When an apology is offered, it almost never brings healing or closure. An apology is more likely to result in an “eye-roll” than a sincere response.

Forgiveness and trust are foundational for a healthy marriage. As trouble enters a marriage, it may appear that those foundations are eroding. It is important to have a proper understanding of these two words, as well as establish appropriate verbiage to communicate concerns.

Isaac Newton’s first law of motion states that “an object will not change its motion unless a force acts on it.” The same is true in conversations with the momentum in either a negative or positive direction. Without intentional and active change, a conversation with negative momentum will continue to become more and more negative. In this training we describe a technique to stop the negative momentum and change the direction to one more positive.

If we pay attention it is possible to determine if our mind or our emotions are in charge of us during a conversation. When emotions, and more specifically negative emotions, are driving our words the brain is typically out to lunch. When the mind is in control we “respond” in a rational manner. When emotions are in control, we often “react” in a harmful “knee-jerk” manner. The ideas presented here are designed to help you catch yourself reacting, and provide a tool to return to healthy responding.

Long term marriages “breath”. Healthy marriages “breath-in” (connect) by spending time together,
and “breath-out” (distance) by spending time apart. The connecting times are not simply being in
the same place at the same time, but rather are times of engaging with each other. Likewise, the

distancing times are not simply time apart, but rather intentionally doing something that is “life-
giving” but is best done apart from each other.

Remember when you were first dating your spouse? Conversations just flourished, time flew by, and agenda was unnecessary. The goal, whether stated or not, was simply to get to know the other person.

But today we seem to only find time to “cover urgent business” (e.g. schedules, bills, kids, etc.) or to fight. Regular agenda-free friendship conversation is the heartbeat of a great marriage.

It seems like we seldom understand what each other is saying. Rather than pause and verify correct understanding, we tend to simply repeat what we said previously. When both of us get stuck in this cycle, understanding goes nowhere and both of us become preoccupied with being understood.

It often appears easy and efficient to anticipate what your spouse is about to say.  There are two problems with this: (1) our assumption might be incorrect, and (2) this approach means we think we don’t have to listen to our spouse because we already know what they are going to say. Both of these problems can result in unsuccessful and damaging conversations.

Moderate feminism asserts that men and women are equal. This is true. Radical feminism says that men and women are identical. That is untrue. Although exceptions exist in any generality, it is worthwhile to investigate common male/female differences and the resultant communication struggles.

A basic tenant of effective communication is that both individuals speak the same language. If the two people do not share a common language, an interpreter is required to be in the middle. A marriage counselor may periodically act as an interpreter but using a common language is the only long term solution.

My life seems to consist of mentally and physically running from one urgent task to the next. I feel I am

always “running on empty”. I know I need to take time for physical, emotional, and spiritual“self-care”, but I seldom find the time. The “urgent” always seems to deflect me from getting to the “important”. In many ways, I feel that life is controlling me, rather than me controlling my life.

American culture tells us that pursuit of happiness is our duty. I have found myself agreeing with this idea by rating my life based on perceived happiness. I seem to seldom be content. I have been disappointed in my quest for unrelenting happiness and I need another goal.

I seem to always get stuck regretting the past or worrying about the future. Anxiety keeps me prisoner as I find myself either grieving my past or fearing the future. Sometimes I feel like I am “ping-ponging” between the past and the future. Living in the “now” seems nearly impossible.

Our discussions about money seldom go well. Even when we aren’t in a financial crisis, discussing money often results in verbal battles and distance in our relationship. It seems like each of us is getting more and more inflexible in our thoughts and opinions. Financial discussions are becoming a power struggle, with nothing being resolved.

We have used every tool provided to us and we still can’t agree on specific decisions. It seems like each of us is “digging in our heels”, even to the point of refusing to talk about the issue. While some decisions can be delayed for a long time, others need to be decided now. When an immediate decision is required, and we are refusing to talk about it, a unilateral decision by either of us causes conflict and hard feelings.