What If?

what if my foresight was greater than my innocence?

could i have picked your lies out like cotton

slow and intricate, break my back, cut my hands

seen they grew from roots of deception

sort through barbie doll play dates and see grooming

look at you and see predator

see myself and say i’m just the idiot who fell for it

what if your morbid curiosity didn’t outweigh your morals?

could i have been spared feeling your grimy hands on every part of me you could reach

feeling my hand on anything you wanted me to

the pain

the tears

your glances at me like this was some shared secret

when i have committed no sin,

yet I carry the shame

what if my throat had never been clogged with the lies you spewed?

your trust

your care

anytime we laughed

anytime we sang

any look

any hug

bull that gave into my silence

what if you weren’t like this?

can i be the one to blame religion for you

say

god did this

maybe auntie and uncle

spin the truth so it doesn’t hurt so much

what if it doesn’t matter because it wasn’t just you?

his fingerprints stain my skin just like yours

funny

it’s almost like you helped him

left a path on my body

guess he loved to follow in your footsteps

what if I want to forget every place you’ve explored?

rid myself of dotted lines where you poked and prodded

stop remembering you’ve been in my bed when i try to sleep

completely erase you from my mind

what if thinking about every moment we ever spent together makes me wanna vomit and smile and cry all at the same time?

and that alone makes me want to punch a million holes in every wall

and that makes me want to cry all over again

and that makes me want to vomit

i wish i could stop remembering you’ve been in my bed at night

what if you don’t know what you did was wrong?

i’ve seen the look on your faces

never an ounce of regret

or remorse

not the slightest hint of apology ever on your lips

what if it’s my job to tell you?

but im too tired right now

i let you ruin me and im busy building again

found im still here

buried under ash and debris

what if you could do it again?

would you?

and even in this lifetime or the next

i could never stop you

Iggy Smith, Grade 10

Creative Writing Major