Professionally Procrastinating

Why finish an essay on the weekend when you can experience the full, unfiltered adrenaline of writing it an hour before it's due? Most people call it poor time management skills, but only true enthusiasts call it “procrastination.” If you are tired of the stress of being organized, then this article is for you. So here is my step-by-step tutorial on how to procrastinate.

Step one: Research the rabbit hole

To truly procrastinate, you must convince yourself you are actually working. So open Google Docs, choose a font that you like, and type your name. Congratulations, the hard part is over. Now you must search for things “loosely” related to whatever you should be writing about. An example would be if your article is about the Civil War. You should logically watch a three-hour YouTube video about President Lincoln's crazy animals. By the way, did you know that he owned a turkey named Jack? I genuinely didn't, either. That video was essential background knowledge needed to procrastinate.

Step two: Be slightly productive 

When newer procrastinators start, they usually get a gut feeling of guilt. Here is some advice for a seasoned veteran. Do not under any circumstances start the assignment, because if you start it, then you will want to finish it. Instead, as an alternative to tasks that feel important but are not. There are always things to do, such as sharpening every pencil you have, including the one that is basically just the eraser. Another activity would be to update a playlist from 10 minutes to three hours. Last but not least, try cleaning your desk. Idk, I genuinely am just. 

Step 3: the last step 

It is now 30 minutes before your assignment is due. This is when the magic happens. The moment you have been training for. Set a timer and completely ignore it. Use the panicked feeling in your head to your advantage and get creative. Forget about time and just work as fast as you physically can. Always remember, a C at midnight feels like a gold trophy compared to an A with five-ish weeks of steady progress.

Written By: Noah Hampton