Mr. O's Haircut: A Conspiracy

Didi Zhuang (G9)

Comedy

Published Issue 2 2022-2023

As of October 13th, 2022, the truth has been uncovered. Through various sources and speculations, Mr. O’s haircut has been tied to many concepts of quantum mechanics, conceptual aerodynamics, and theoretical molecular gastronomy. After interviewing many award-winning scientists, the reality has finally come into view.

“Proteins…” one anonymous scientist reveals, “Every human on the earth has a ‘Cabbage field’ (named after the Nobel prize winner Peter Cabbage), however, some Cabbage Fields are larger than others. They grant the small percentage of people the ability to sense electric fields as well as the ability to briefly bend or even break space-time.” he explained, “And so, that would explain his abilities to sense phones and littering over a mile away.” The scientist continues with an example. “Hypothetically, if a student was on their phone, the “R.I.B.” (repeated, internal, broadcast) procedure happens within a fraction of a second. The Cabbage Field picks up electromagnetic pulses crossing from a natural satellite and in turn, as a response, Mr. Olynyk briefly bends space-time via teleportation and appears behind the student. In simpler or layman's terms, Mr. O in fact, RIBs you.” Another anonymous scientist adds on, “Really, he is a miracle of discovery” she starts, “The RIBing procedure is almost instant and directly proves the Cabbage Field!”. “Although, there is another evident theory: Instead of teleporting, he splits into weaker Cabbage clones; dividing and conquering the jungle that is Mulgrave School”.

Overall, in conclusion, there has been a consensus of multiple scientists, arriving at the same result from claims, evidence, and reasoning. In summary, Mr. O possesses an abnormally large Cabbage Field, which would allow him to activate the RIB procedure, therefore, catching many unknowing students in their tracks. Perchance.