All About Hippos: How to Survive a Hippo Attack

Ashley Krisdaphongs (G8)

Comedy

Published Issue 4 2022-2023

You are on the Mulgrave campus after school, waiting for your parents to pick you up. You are so bored of going on your phone, so you decide to take a walk around the school. You cross the parking lot and go up the stairs and onto the hill, glancing at the trees as you walk by. Suddenly, you feel the ground vibrate, the shrubs shake, and out comes a ginormous hippopotamus, charging you at full speed! And it looks very, very hungry…

A hippopotamus is a semi-aquatic mammal that generally lives along the rivers and lakes of sub-Saharan Africa. They can reach a height of up to 5.2 feet, 16.5 feet long, and 9,900 pounds. They are the fifth largest land mammals worldwide, following three species of elephants and white rhinos. Not only are they one of the largest land animals, but they are also one of the most deadly. These animals are classified as one of the most harmful large land mammals on Earth and kill approximately 500 people annually in Africa.

 Although there are cute little hippo stuffed animals made for children, and videos of cute hippos eating watermelons, just to let you know, they are not actually sweet, gentle creatures. Now that you know how dangerous a hippo can be, you better run! Oh, wait…is that the best idea? What should you do?

You may try to run away from the hippo. What are the chances that this 9000-pound animal will beat you in a race? Well, this might not be the best idea because, despite their huge size and bulky weight, a hippo can run up to 48km/h (30mph). This is the same speed as a horse! Although hippos are vegetarians, this does not mean they won’t eat you when they get angry. When standing far away, make loud noises so the hippo identifies you. If the hippo is startled or surprised by you, it won’t end well. The goal is for the hippo to chicken out and go away.

If the hippo does not move and stays put, the next thing to do is to observe the hippo’s behaviour. If the hippo is yawning, you may think it is just sleepy. Maybe all of the Mulgrave homework is getting to him. Actually, yawning or laughing hippo is an early sign of aggression that means the hippo is feeling uncomfortable, and you should back away before it proceeds to an attack. Therefore, you should turn around and back up slowly, just like what you were taught to do when you see a bear. Hippos are very territorial, and very fast, so you must try as best as you can to put as much distance between you and the hippo. 

Oh no! The hippo is charging you at full speed. At this point, you should just run as fast as you can and pray for your life. Avoid moving in a straight line, and try to find obstacles and terrain to slow the hippo down. The best thing you can do is climb a tree or up onto a hill, where it is too heavy to climb. Hopefully, you have made it to higher ground, but if the tree breaks or you are a really slow runner (like me), you’ll have to fight. 

Hippos have a bite force of 13,000 kPa (kilopascal), and can open their mouths 180 degrees. A hippo attack results in very few survivors, so put up the best fight you can. Try to punch or kick their eyes, and go for their snout. If your arms are already in the hippo’s mouth try to reach anything in the back of its throat to make them uncomfortable. If you are out of the hippo’s grip and have survived (unless you're a ghost reading this article), get away as fast as you can!

Your mom’s car pulls up and you open the car and quickly get in. She asks you how your day was, and you tell her all about your experience at school, completely forgetting about the hippo attack. Thinking about your time hippo, you wonder if this will ever happen to you again. My final tips for you are to avoid going towards calves, going outside during a hippo’s mating season, getting between land and shallow water, and sneaking up on a hippo.