Neverland's Guide to Fixing a Shadow

Audrey McHugh and Jeanette Pan (G9)

Published Issue 2 2021-2022

Arts and Writing

Disclaimer: This is a piece of creative writing and non-factual.

Dear Future Me,

Dear Past Me,

I can’t believe I still have this, I remember when…I guess I should respond, might finally put a full stop to the regret.

I’ve always admired Peter Pan as a kid. Constantly picking up kids in the night to send them off on amazing adventures where they would fight with pirates, sing with mermaids, they could even fly. I wanted to become Peter Pan not because he didn’t grow old but because his shadow was removable. Anytime he wanted, he could break societal constraints and escape mortal hurdles. To him, the past was detachable for he was free.

Though everything in it is fake, it was always a wishful thought for me. Mom has always harped on me for zoning out though, the number of strict emails she’s gotten from practically every teacher I’ve had are uncountable.

I wish I zoned out more. I never had time to think about what I wanted. It was always what the teacher said, what my parents wanted and what universities looked at. “Focus in class! Listen to the teacher! Do your homework!” I was a robot, programmed by the code written long before I existed, controlled by everyone’s expectations.

Once you hit a certain age it's like everyone expects you to forget about everything fun. Things stop being about what you want to do, they become things you have to do. None of that has appealed to me. I mean to be honest none of that would be appealing to anyone, but it's not like anyone really says it. It's just hidden behind the veil of successfulness and maturing as if those are perfectly good reasons to sell your free will away.

And the worst part is, I willingly gave it all away. I’ve never had a manicure because mom said long nails made typing hard. I never went on vacation because I couldn’t cancel classes and I never got to spend time with you friends because there was always another tournament. I never had fun.

It’s starting to become more apparent now, everyone is expecting something from me, expecting more. My grades are becoming the most important thing in my life nowadays, not like it wasn’t before but I guess it's just more noticeable now. It's kinda stressful like one wrong move will change the course of my life completely. I don't know why I’m so scared about it though, I mean I already know what I want to be, where I want to go, I practically have my whole life planned out! Well, I didn’t really make the plan, but I'm doing a pretty good job at following it?

Yeah, you’re doing a great job at following. In fact, you’re doing such a great job at following it that you don’t even know who you are. The random guy on the street says you’re pretty, your classmate (who you still don’t know the name of) says you’re smart, and your mom, if you can even call her mom, says you’re perfect. You’ve become the number you so desperately want to be--a one-dimensional surface that no one can reach. Your accomplishments are admired from afar but never appreciated up close; everyone wants to be you but no one wants to be with you. Data can never be art. Art is flawed. Art has a shadow.

So Future Me I have a lot of questions, ones that’ll take a long time to answer. Where are you living, what school did you go to? Did you manage to become valedictorian? Is that kid in the corner still fussing you about going to the bookstore together? Did you please mom? Frankly, I’m afraid of the answers to these questions, some more than others. I don’t know if I should be excited or nervous, though it's not like I'll get the answers any time soon. I guess I should end this by now, I mean I have more important things to do anyway. Most likely I’ll forget I even made this in the first place.

I guess writing that research paper about cardiovascular failures is more important than understanding how your heart works...You should have gone to that bookstore. I was in the tunnel for so long that I ignored the one person willing to give me light. All humans have shadows. Just because it's longer when the sun is shining does not mean you should permanently stay in the dark. You can hide your shadow but you’ll never be free; you can remove your shadow but you won’t be 3D. You’re not Peter Pan.

So, see you soon I guess?

See you in Neverland.