Six Foods That Are Actually Good For You

1. Linoleum Flooring

Of course you may say, “that's not a food!,” but it is true that America's favorite flooring material is in fact a wholesome afternoon snack. My favorite recipe is to slice aged flooring into thin strips and to marinade it in an olive tapenade before giving it a quick spin in the microwave. I always stock up on Linoleum flooring when I see any remodeling on my block. Color does matter: plain white lacks nutrition because the linseed oil and pine rosin have been bleached to obscurity. Your best bet is to get some real ugly patterns from the '50s when it was still kosher to include asbestos in paint. The top nutritional benefits from linoleum flooring include the high levels of fiber and the oxidizing effect it has on the body, which really improves the flight-or-fight response. Let's all raise our hands for Frederick Walton.

2. Hot Dogs

Hot Dogs are a great source of sodium (at least 520 mg per 2-ounce serving). Sodium consumption is particularly important in regulating the water level in your body, and there is a direct correlation between the consumption of sodium and the likelihood of winning the lottery or having high blood pressure. You can up your salt content when slurping hot dogs by dousing them in ketchup, mustard, sauces, or Lawry's seasoning. They also carry a personality that reduces stress thanks to their nitrite-induced beauty in color. Just remember to make sure that you are consuming hot dogs and not a pair of legs tanning at the beach.

3. Apples

Though you may think consumption of this pomaceous fruit is a burning, bright death wish, they are actually great for your health, particularly when baked into a feel-good meal such as an entire pie or your grandma's homemade apple and butter goodness. Apples were created by the Norse in 14 A.D. in a miraculous coincidence when the pagans planted a pineapple tree inside of a rock containing trilobite fossils, which genetically modified the Ananas comosus by breaking the plant into three lobes. Nutrition, however, was not hurt in the process. The only way to secure the highest level of nutrition from an apple is to fry it into apple straws with an equal amount of corn oil.

4. Fish Eyes

Where to begin?! Fish eyes provide high levels of lecithin–cholesterol acyltransferase, which is not highlighted enough in most nutrition guides. Without this enzyme, free cholesterol is not converted as frequently as it should be into the hydrophobic cholesterol ester, to be sequestered into the core of a lipoprotein particle. It is no joke to have HDL deficiency, and so it is best to eat 4-9 fish eyes per day, especially raw from the bodies of un-genetically modified gold fish. Fish have the capacity to regenerate their eyes every 3–4 days, and so you will only need to maintain a fish population of 12–36 swimmers. Be kind to your endoplasmic reticulum! Fish eyes also include macro nutrients, trace elements, and vitamins, such as K and R, that are vital for glowing skin and thick hair. Fish eyes can also be applied topically, and are a successful solution to male pattern baldness. *Do not eat the eyes of loaches or catfish as it will engage four years of bad luck and could clog your arteries.

5. Elie's Cheesecake

[caption id="attachment_314" align="alignnone" width="300"] Evan Lysacak eats cheesecake with every meal.[/caption]

Although the taste and texture are vile, Elie's Cheesecake is an incredibly affordable source of folic acid, Vitamin D and Vitamin A. Eating quantities in excess of 12 boxes of Elie's Cheesecake per day is no joke and may cause tingling in the mouth, hernias, orgasm, diarrhea, or death, but one or two pies is perfectly safe and recommended by 94 out of 100 doctors and dentists in a poll comparing the benefits of Elie's Cheesecake and jellyfish liver.

6. Cnidaria

Identified mainly for their forceful sting on Dorie in Finding Nemo, jellyfish offer more than pain and anguish. The body cavity of a jellyfish is pure protein, and a great option for anyone who is allergic to the zinc found in the flesh of land mammals. You may be a fool who believes that swimming medusae and sessile polyps are limited to life in the sea, but anyone who has ridden a zip line in Costa Rica knows that you can also observe herds of cnidaria roaming through tree canopies. It is essential to always wear a sting-proof hat when hunting wild jellyfish in the forests of South America. Some also roam the dwindling jungles of Africa, although they are rare and it is illegal to consume them.

7-12 will be in the next blog post!

More Foods That Are Actually Good For You

7. Bittersweet Memories

A relative to aerosols, it is possible to make a flour of memories in the proper setting (i.e. low atmospheric pressure and high humidity at a high altitude). Albus Dumbledore elucidated the process of memory collection while working with Harry Potter, although the film version made it more artistic by including a Pensieve. Any collection of water will suffice including a puddle of rain water, the ocean, a toilet, or tears that have freshly fallen on your face. Perhaps you are remembering that moment when you sat cold and slightly lonely on a school bus at 5 a.m. in November wearing that particular grey sweater… . the key is to remember as many details as possible before adding it to water. Once you have mixed your ingredients together, bring them to a rapid boil. If you have a hydraulic press, you can just use that. If you are interested in building your own hydraulic press, read my next blog post on DIY compression and essence extraction. Anyway, everyone else, use a large block to mash the memories to remove all of the rich carbohydrates and digestion-promoting fiber. Once you have mashed the memories to an oatmeal-like consistency, you simply need to let them dry for the duration of one full moon. It will turn out like something between pastry flour and nooch, so feel free to add it to your favorite dishes such as popcorn or kale souffle. Memories are great for you because they provide a natural lightness by removing excessive Vitamin C levels and free radicals.

8. Pikas

When I was younger, my mother used to drop me off at the nature reserve early in the fall festival season and wouldn't let me come home until I had at least 300 pikas to contribute to the town celebration of mirth. It was rough going at first, but I learned the skills necessary to uncover the burrows and trails of the small mammals. There is simply no better way to consume fur than the coat of the noble pika. *Please note, pikas are in no way related to Pikachu, which has a shocking epidermal layer. In my studies of words, I found that pikas were able to read messages written in solid pica intervals. I choose size-12 font and begged them to sacrifice 300 of their kin. Little did they know that I had feigned the reason that they had to comply. However, when I began to capture 300 pikas without strain, my mother increased her demand. “All of the pikas!” she would say with a degree of madness in her eyes. I could not continue and instead ran from home to a faraway land, bringing the 300 pikas with me. I set some free along the way, creating an artificial migration of the pika population. They thrived in their new habitats and swept the forest floors clean of bird carcasses. What does this all mean, though? You are guaranteed to find at least enough pikas anywhere that you happen to live, and need to get on that if you have ever suffered from acne or tick bites. To capture a pika, simply leave a dead bird in your driveway and wait for them to collect. Any dead bird will do be it a common seagull or ostrich. You don't actually have to murder pikas to consume their nutritional fur, but you must make sure that they are transmitting fear when you remove it, because that is where the value is stored. By consuming fear, you will have similar effects to digesting bath salts in that you will feel invincible, but do not fret: it will not lead you to eat face. Channel your new power towards a productive means such as stopping bank robbers or constructing homes. Do not consume pikas that are carriers of PTD (pika transmitted disease), because it causes blistering eyes, a burning sensation when urinating, trouble breathing, rashes, blisters, and churding.

9. Tic-tacs

It is important to know when to eat Tic-Tacs, as they provide massive benefits to the immune system throughout the year. Have you ever been trifled by allergies? Are you always the asshole who spreads a winter flu? You probably have not been eating enough tic-tacs! In the fall, it is important to begin storing tic-tacs in your body by eating them in large quantities. I usually replace lunch with eight containers of Mango and Lime (four each). Tic-tacs offer ingredients that you can't find anywhere else in a condensed form such as natural and artificial flavors and magnesium stearate. As long as you consume enough Calcium, the Magnesium found in Tic-Tacs will bind and create a compound that reduces stress, which is exactly what we are going for heading into Thanksgiving and Christmas, am I right? It is important to simply swallow the Tic-Tacs whole so that they can be stored in your body and burn away layers of stomach tissue. Those extra layers are where bacteria hide that can later be transformed into influenza and/or affluenza. Now it is January. Do not eat Tic-Tacs for two months or you may develop an immunity to their benefits. As soon as February is over, make sure to buy your local Walmart's entire supply of Orange Tic-Tacs. I palce a special order on Black Friday and they give me a 70 percent discount on a crate of 10,000 boxes of Tic-Tac's. It is worth the investment! To be honest, I have lost three jobs in the past from overdoing it with the Tic-Tacs, but you really need to spend all of your free time grinding and snorting Tic-Tacs if you wish to completely bypass seasonal allergies. Pollen is getting so bad lately, but the sooner you start, the sooner you can know what it is like to be released from your suffering. For the entire month of March during all waking hours that you are free, grind and snort. Make sure that you drink ample water during the process, especially aloe water, which will prevent constipation.

10. Baseballs (with a traditional cork center)

Do I really need to explain this one? You don't have to be good at baseball to include them as a staple in your well-balanced diet. At the top of any Super Foods list, baseballs offer qualities that other balls do not: the B-12 level of five 5-Hour energy shots in that soft, leathery exterior, and an adequate dose of nostalgia based on the history and quality of use of the particular ball. Not all baseballs are created equally. In 2008, more than 1,900,590,000 baseballs were recalled from a manufacturer in China after it was discovered that workers had continuously fallen into the ball weaving machine. Consumption of humans in any way is cannibalism and I do not endorse it. Anyway, if you do not have a chef's thumb, baseballs can also be consumed in pill or powder form as a supplement—strawberry flavor is the best by Nordic Naturals. Baseballs will really help you shed those last ten pounds you gained while maxing out on Tic-Tacs. “A miracle from the field for your metabolism,” as explained by Dr. Ozz.

11. Certain Upholstery Patterns

Eating couch is not only trendy, it's really good for you! But there are certain patterns to watch out for! NEVER CONSUME STRIPES. And do not say that I did not warn you! You may wonder why stripes vary in their impact on the body. There have been 18 reported cases of instant death in 2014 alone from daring individuals who tried to take on the threat of striped upholstery. Only one has been able to eat stripes and live to tell the story, but he too is incapable of doing so as he was rendered mute. It is quiet fact that all striped upholstery is haunted by the soul of Michael Jackson and Grendel. Anyone who consumes the material is suddenly transformed into the battle scene between the noseless haunt of the King of Pop and deteriorating memory of the beast incarnate. As for all other upholstery fabrics, simply tear 'em off and chew them until you are able to swallow. Shows on TLC and MTV have helped give this food item the good name it deserves! Try this recipe this week:

Couch Tacos


1 lb couch or chair cushion

1 lb bedding

1/3 cup canola oil

1 jalapeno (do you ever call them ja-la-pin-ohs?

8 flour tortillas

taco seasoning


sour cream

I almost forgot to tell you why you should be eating cushion! The high level of Oxalates found in cushion drown out the bacteria that try to break them down in your stomach and bind with calcium to crystalize and improve inflammation in the body. Couch can lead to the formation of kidney stones, so be sure to limit yourself to one couch a week.

12. Kale!

Kale is low in calories, high in iron and Vitamin K, filled with powerful antioxidants, great for cardiovascular support and a great detox food.


Before trying out these Tinder lines, make sure you have an intriguing bio. This does not mean list a quote from your favorite existential thinker or explain all of your hobbies (who doesn't love riding a bike?). I also don't want to see a series of all the places you've lived or learn that you are an explorer quite yet. Give me some mystery.

1. El Diablo, Roar! *emoji*

Why it works: by striking fear within your potential mate/ hookup buddy, they will see you as a fierce and mysterious social warrior. Only feminist groups will have the power to take you down.

2. What is your favorite Supreme Court ruling?

This shows you are more than a pretty face and tight booty. You can also easily sift their passions from any given answer. If you are bad at life and have not had a chance to check out the great iPhone apps available regarding Supreme Court decisions, please spend the next 5 hours reading this excellent Wikipedia entry. Feel free to simultaneously listen to this inspirational playlist and savor your patriotism.

3. How would you depict the essence of passion?

This one reminds me of Zoolander's merman commercial, and that's exactly what you should be going for while turning on your hot new lover. Hopefully you cleaned your room this morning. Yes, we notice all your dirty socks.

4. Have you ever been to a baseball game?

Your Tinder match will know exactly what you mean with this dirty pick-up line. This one works really great for couples-dating apps as well, especially in the suburbs.

5. I just won free Jell-O from my favorite diner for a year!

So great because everyone will want to get in on that free Jell-O! Be prepared for a back story. Where is this diner? How'd you win it? What color shirt were you wearing the first time you went there on a cold dreary night after your ex dumped you outside the theater because you wouldn't share your Twizzlers? What color shirt was it?

6. I want to make you squeak like a clarinet.

Only use this if you are looking for something more than a casual hook-up.

7. What is your opinion on broken glass?

Poetic questions bring out internal freedom, setting the stage for a comfortable relationship of open and clear communication.

8. I nominate you for the ice bucket challenge!

The one is great because it shows you like them enough to include them in your post-2014 ice bucket challenge nomination videos. You might as well just propose to be honest.

9. I hate small talk and can already tell you're interesting. Drinks Monday? Smugglers Cove? They have the best Tiki drinks...

Only use this if you are trying to speed date and would like to invite 20-40 people to the same date. Smuggler's Cove has a pretty small capacity so they'll self regulate how often they can actually get inside the establishment. Bonus points for those who are either early or wait in line long enough to meet you.

10. Do you think I should get nipple rings?

Is there ever a scenario where you shouldn't be asking this question? This is great for a Tinder pick-up line because you will learn so much about the person giving you an answer AND it will be a practice in personal exploration if you actually go get some clamps installed.

11. Do you know a good recipe for lasagna?

Show your new match you care about their culinary expertise! As well, give them a clear daydream about an activity you may one day do TOGETHER! By the way, letting someone teach you something new is a great way to bond, especially if you grovel and tell them you'd be lost without them and they are the only person you've ever been able to feel so alive with. Let them know how you really feel.

12. I have a plan to rob a bank. Can you help me?

Creating a common enemy, the police and bank operators, will dictate the formation of an instant bond between you and your match--a bond much stronger than the mysterious world of love you've entered by swiping right to each other. Your conversation will lead itself as you discuss matching outfit possibilities while you're wielding AK47's and forcibly watching the bank manager drop 47K's into your Ninja Turtle pillowcases (because you both happen to have your childhood pillowcases lying around). It smells like sex already.

13. I think I danced with you in Zumba class last week.

This will show your new match that you are into fitness enough to go to Zumba class! You guys can then make a plan to go to Zumba class together. BAM! Please note: for my fellow Zumba-haters, this is also an excellent way to sift out all the hoo-has wasting their time in Zumba class. Let's go on a bike ride!

14. I've noticed every time I look at your profile that my aura glows.

This will reveal to your Tinder match that you like them very much and that you've been looking at their profile multiple times! How flattering! It'll probably turn out that you've synchronously been glowing and should get together and become one.

15. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

Hopefully you changed your Tinder setting to only match with your neighbors who live within a one-mile radius who will have no reason not to welcome you to their home for a cup of emergency sugar. These types of messages are best sent late at night once the supermarkets are closed. Your next step is to retrieve the sugar in a seductive outfit such as khaki overalls or a lacy, silk moo moo. As you walk away shaking your hips, be sure to turn back and say something that can only be replied to with "that's what she said," which you can take as a signal that your Tinder match would like for you to come inside.

16. I'm so glad that we matched again! I had to delete my account because I kept swiping no on a bunch of profiles I meant to like.

This will show your Tinder match that they had better act fast if they want to keep your attention. You have other options after all!

17. I'm having a wonderful day. If we met for drinks, do you think it would get even better?

This gives your Tinder match a chance to talk about how amazing they are, which most humans like to do. Make sure to keep your replies limited to smiley faces, and then announce a time and location with an ultimatum between never meeting and meeting within those parameters.

18. I can't believe you like George Takei, too! I never come across anyone else who likes him. We must be soul mates.

If your perfect match comes along, you owe it to be completely honest with them from the get-go.

19. I want to go on a fried chicken tour to all of the restaurants in the City that offer fried chicken. Would you accompany me on my journey?

Your new match is going to really appreciate your initiative to check out all of the fried chicken options in the city, and will be glad that such a great option is being organized for him.

Created and delivered as a light-hearted apology.

What if Narcissus had a scuba tank?

In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. Nemesis noticed this behavior and attracted Narcissus to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus stared into the water until he fell asleep.

Luckily, he was wearing a scuba tank. After he fell into the pool, he was shocked out of his stupor by the water and almost forgot about the beautiful person he saw just moments prior. “What the fuck, man. How long had he been staring into that pool?,” he wondered as he began to think about other things such as the strange fish that passed him and the slimy eel he tried to avoid. A couple of hours passed under water and his tank ran out of oxygen, and he decided to climb out of the pool. Once out of the water, he remembered the beautiful man he had seen in the water, and took one last look to see if he would find him again. He was horrified as he saw the same man covered in wrinkles and the texture that skin takes when it has been in water for too long. Figuring the man had aged disgracefully, he gave up and went home where he was burdened with the constant stream of people who loved him for the rest of his life.

I sent 50 white paper chinese lanterns into the sky last night to ameliorate the darkened spirit of SF. They were caught in the fog though

we must disband the city

I am one step ahead of you at 1104 several city hall officials will be arrested for various counts, perhaps fictitious. Erstwhile rivals will receive threatening letter from one another and be brought to battle on the city hall promenade

and at 1115 the magnum opus: golden gate will unravel as the sea beast of the bay reveals itself

san francisco will then be swallowed by the sea

its beautiful the most beautiful plan ive ever heard

yea it is just unfortunate that sf will part this way: an existence limited to historical annals of loss and failure

harken! The city begins to cave west as the weight of tears merges to the ocean. A second trail of tears...

a fitting end to a city which couldn't even win a football game. It's eulogy a curse, it's graveyard marker the footprints of its dancing enemies (who are both legion and righteous)

all ye who remember sf, beware! Thou shall be drafted to a team of eternal doom... amongst the living to roam in a world dominated by cacophony of never ending sirens, squalor and celine dion. Interned to the fetid stench of dried urine, bound to a cage inescapable, and an inability to be fully conscious.

I can see the ham hock in the pot. You’ll let it render for days and the rich texture will fill my throat while I smell the peas and meat slowly simmering. The fire is hot, of course. The blue flames flicker underneath the concoction and I watch while I stir.

I need to get that recipe from you before you die. I think about it every day now and wonder if you’ll survive the transplant, think about you and wonder what else you’ll see in my life. Dad says he’ll have to live for another few decades because I want to become a senator. I’m not sure what the path is to get there. I’ve been trying to figure that out but I’m also spending most of my time writing and thinking about the time we went to South Dakota and we fed the donkeys cheetos. Their lips were orange and all I could think about was how we were negatively impacting their ability to live the way they should. As though we taught them their habits.

the air is hot i can feel the sweat dripping down my back sticking to my skin as it rolls slowly towards the chair

the van is stuffy but what do you expect from a government owned vehicle?

i snap a picture with my cellphone to send to him but there is no service out there in the fields

and all i can see are windmills for miles

they spin… i don’t know how fast they spin

they just gather energy and spin

slowly we drive away from the windmills and then all i see are the fields

green and damp from the rain

id like to go lay in the field although i’d get up covered in dirt and ticks

we’re on our way south to plant some weeds for an experiment

the fields are already plowed and ready to be sieged with holes for weeds

we’ll measure them until they are a few feet tall

and then we’ll pull them from the earth

burn them in a laboratory so they don’t grow on their own

we’ll pull all their seeds every week so they can’t spread themselves around

destroying the population without a second thought

i wonder if it’d be so easy to do this if we didn’t do the same things so many times before to our own population

to animal species

to entire forests

why do we have this tendency to be okay with destruction

in the name of science

in the name of civil liberties

but I digress

i eat the sandwich i made because i am running low on money in my bank account again

it is made out of canned chicken and tastes like animal food

i wonder if ill barf before i finish eating the sandwich

i’m sure no one is happy

because the sandwich smells so bad

i’m never going to buy canned chicken again

i finish the sandwich and take note of how long i’ll have to wait in order to get home to make pasta

i lose thirty pounds the summer and attribute it to being active but i think it’s because i was truly poor and i didn’t want to switch over to eating cheap bullshitty food

so i just didn’t eat

i should have gone home that summer

i would have eaten fresh tomatoes from my father’s garden and

helped my mom plant hers

and spend time with my brother

he’s almost 18 now