Growing up in an environment where most love I felt was through material possessions, once upon a time, I longed to be someone without any emotions. Figured that it might save me from being disappointed all the time. Instead, I grew up to be someone filled with a little too much love in their body. Pictures showed that I am indeed a child who was loved so much.

Keyword: was.

Parents sheltered me from the world and once I was old enough to fend for myself, they let me figure out things on my own. They said it was for my own good. They never taught me anything. All I learned about the world came from the children’s encyclopedia my mom gifted me. Those weren’t enough. I craved for more knowledge. Anything to fill up the hole that was barely filled by my parents. I first learned about love when I was seven. Childhood crushes are fun but they didn’t compare to my Mommy Meding’s love. She said she wanted me. In her house, I felt all the love. My aunts were a little strict but they mean well. They played with me and I enjoyed being a child. They also didn’t stop my curious little self from picking up the books they kept. Most of them are from my aunts’ nursing days.

Mommy Meding’s older daughter kept an impressive collection of books. There I learned about more kinds of love. The books she had showed the harsh realities of the world. It wasn’t as pretty as children’s programs made it out to be. Little did I know, those books planted a seed in me.

When I was in Grade 5, I learned that love can be cruel. A mother’s love, they said, is tender. My mother is anything but tender. She’s a hard-headed woman whose heart is set on her career. I barely knew her and was more familiar with my father’s antics than my mother’s presence. My father is the kinder parent. He often defended me from my mother’s rage. Sometimes, it was him being mad. I was confused. Their love for me shouldn’t even count as love at all. Maybe I’ll forgive my father but not my mother. Despair drove me to retreat more into the books.

Books are amazing. They’re wonderful. They’re the worlds in your mind where you can be anything. I rarely read romance because of my aversion to it. Crushes are a forbidden word in our household and I repressed most of the feelings I have. In books, I can be a normal pre-teen who is experiencing the pains of growing up. Boys suddenly grew more handsome. But that phase didn’t last long and I often find myself staring at our class muses.

They were pretty, smart, and kind. Women are wonderful beings, so why stop me from being in love? Bisexuality is something I’m aware of but it never explained why I would become shy in front of girls. Boys I can get along with. When I stepped into high school, I learned that the love I had is forbidden. I was confused. I used to like boys and I find girls beautiful. Not the girl crush sort of thing but like, I would talk about pretty girls any day. Maybe just girls in general. In my confusion, I thought I liked a boy classmate. It wasn’t even a good one. Obsession might be the word for it. Every day after school, I would follow him just because I thought I could. When he left high school, it all became clear to me.

I don’t like boys. I like girls. I LOVE girls. But society banished us to the world of porn. In my frustration, I channeled my feelings into fiction. Books gave the power to imagine the world. Why not create your own world? With badly constructed English and bare minimum knowledge about writing, I set out into the world of writing. In multiple universes, I made people fall in love without judgment and discrimination. In those worlds, they are just ordinary people who are in love. There were no labels, no stereotypes, no thinly-veiled insults. While many would think it’s just a fan girl’s obsession, it was a safe space for me. For every “I love yous” my characters would utter, I direct them to an imaginary partner. I can imagine her like how they imagine theirs. My readers can have one more world. I can create one more world.

In my world, love is as I know it—pure and true. There is also love in other forms. Love in between friends as they hang out in between classes. Love as you open your music app to play your favorite songs. Love as you finally receive the order of your favorite food.

There is so much love in the world. People tried to restrict love as they don’t know what it really is. It comes in so many forms. Love can hurt. Love is cruel, not choosing anyone. It can drown you and bring you on your knees. Even the greatest of men have fallen into love’s trap. Some people are terrified to fall in love because they don’t know what awaited them.

Love also heals. Love is not a cruel, two-headed monster. Yes, it brought pain. It also brought joy. No matter how hard people try, it will never, ever kill someone. I can create as many worlds as I want. I can make the same two people fall in love across universes. I can kill one of them and leave the other in despair. But despite making them go through pain, I will always understand. In my artificially-crafted worlds, I cannot fake love.