Transcript

Transcript

Madrid August 28^th 1780

Had I wrote to my dear mamma a fortnight ago while my whole heart overflowed with joy & gratitude for the birth of a lovely daughter, I am sure every line must have conveyed pleasure to the best of parents, who well knows the affection of a mother every circumstance united in rendering that event delightful to us — excluded the society of our most intimate friends, behold us in a country, whose customs, language & religion are the very reverse of our own, without connections, without friends; judge then if Heaven could have bestowed a more acceptable present — nor was the present deficient in any thing that was necessary to endear it to us: rather let me say that every wish of my heart was amply answered in the precious gift — in her charming countenance I beheld at once the soften'd resemblance of her father and absent brother, her little form was perfet [sic] symmetry; in nature, by warding off those disorders that generally attack infants seem'd to promise a healthy constitution added to those circumstances, her very name increased my pleasure, & I even flattter'd myself with a hope that Kitty & Nancy would be charm'd with their little god-child. When I used to look at her every idea less pleasent [sic] vanis'd [sic] in a moment, scenes of cont៱ⁱnued & future bliss still rose to view, and while I clasp'd her to my bosom my happiness appear'd compleat [sic] — Alas! mamma how frail are all sublunary enjoyments! But I must endeavor to recollect myself. —

On monday the 22.^d day after the birth of my little innocent , we perceived that she had a fever, but were not apprehensive of danger until the next day when it was attended with a fit, on wednesday the convulsions increas'd, and on thursday she was the whole day in one continued fit, nor could she chose her little eye-lids till fryday [sic] morn^g. the [--].^th of Aug.^st at 4 ^o'clock, when wearied with pain, the little sufferer found rest in ————— Excuse my tears — you too mamma have wept on similar occasions — maternal tenderness causes them to flow, & reason, tho' it moderates distress, cannot intirely [sic] restrain our grief, nor do I think it should be wish'd — For why should Heaven (in every purpose wise) have endowed it's [sic] lovely messenger with so many graces, but to captivate our hearts, & excite them by a contemplation on the beloved object of our affection, to rise above those expectations that rather amuse than improve, & extend our views even to those regions of bliss where she has arrived before us — while my mind continues in it's [sic] present frame; I look upon the tribute my child has [--] to nature as the commencement of her immortallity [sic], & endeavor to acquiesce in the dispensations of the all-wise disposer of events; & if my heart continues in proper subjection to the divine will, then will she not have sicken'd, not have dy'd [sic] in vain. —

But let me not be so wrapt in my own feelings as to forget that you, mamma, are not without yours: doubtless you are solicitous to know the state of my own health; & I am happy that I can gratify your generous curiosity, & at the same time give you the pleasure which I know you'll receive from my assurances of my intire [sic] recovery. — Never was any person more favor'd by providence than myself during my late confinement, for I not only escaped many disorders incidental to women in child-bed, but was even free from the lightest fever, & indeed from all kind of pain: this climate is peculiarly favorable to women in that situation of which I could tell you instances that are really surprising, but letters are no longer the free medium by which distant friends un-bosom themselves to each other; every thing therefore that prudence bids us suppress at present, will entertain ourselves with when sitting together by an american fire-side — you see mamma I don't dispair [sic] of the happiness of seeing you again. —

The Attention & proofs of fidelity which we have receiv'd from Abbe, demand, & ever shall have my acknowledgements — you can hardly imagine how useful she is to us, for indeed her place cou'd [sic] not be supply'd, at least not here.—

I am so strangely bewildered when I attempt to write to any of my american friends that it's not to be wonder'd at if my letters are unconnected — would you believe that this is the third time I have attempted to finish this — usually my thoughts make such rapid excursions toward my native country that it's with difficulty I can confine them within due limits, but at present I can scarcly [sic] detain them a single moment from the subject of the 1^st part of this letter — perhaps it engages my attention the more as M^r. Jay is at present absent the Court being at S^t. Ildefonso between 13 & 14 leagues from hence: and I own I never feel so intirely [sic] myself as when in his company, for tis then that the silent encouragement I receive from his steady, modest virtue, operates most powerfully upon my mind, & I may add upon my conduct; for what can I fear, or how can I repine, when I behold him who is equally interested, composed in danger, resigned in affliction, & even possessing a chearful [sic] disposition in every circumstance — excuse me my dear mamma, excuse my officious pen, perhaps too ready to obey the dictates of my heart but he [--] [--] self. — I am interupted [sic] — a servant is arrived from M^r. Jay, who has rode all night to bring me a pacquet of letters from America, that were delivered to his master at S^t. Ildefonso — my emotions are so great that was not the Coll: to open the seals I should certainly tear them in my haste. —

Thank God! my dear & ever worthy friends are well — my child too is in perfect health! tho' I have been deprived of one the other is still preserved — Oh! momma, I never fully comprehended the affection of parents for their children till I became a mother, & never even then was convinced how closely they were twisted with the fibres of the heart until a late painful seperation [sic]. — Kitty mentions a circumstance in one of her letters that greatly affects me; which is that papa was disappointed in not receiving a letter from me before I left Philadelphia; it at the same time convinces me of his tenderness, & distresses me for having wounded it — but, Ah my d^r: papa! is it then an easy matter to write a farewell letter at such a time, under such circumstances, & where the heart is so deeply interested — had I indulged my own feelings, must not those that were dearer to me than my own, been hurt — had I restrained them, might not I have been supposed insensible — I chose therefore to save us both, to let the idea of business prevail; but I was wrong; no affection wounds so deeply, or lasts so long as neglect, or suppos'd neglect, from those we love & have obliged — my mistake was an error of the head, not the heart; for I wou'd rather die than that papa & mamma should think me capable of ingratitude to them; on the contrary, I revere, admire and love them & wish to render myself worthy of such parents; & to justify by an amiable conduct the preference which M^r. Jay has honor'd me with: that is the sum of my ambition, that is indeed my hearts darling object.—

Accept my sincere congratulation upon sister Judy's marriage, may the union prove agreeable to both families! please to tell sister I have thought of an auspicious omen that did not occur to me while writing to her, & that is, that the same month in which she was married is the same that I was myself & that tho' it was predicted from the fickleness of the season, that my happiness would not remain long unclouded, I have never known it eclips'd — may her fortune resemble mine. Difficult as it is to quit my pen, I must again bid mamma adieu — My love to Papa & the rest of the family — numberless embraces to my dear boy, & affectionate remembrance to Hannah please to give my love to M^r. Ogden & her mamma — I am with the sincerest affection

ever yours

Sarah Jay . —

Madrid. Aug–^st 28^th 1780 —

(To M^rs. Livingston)

(28 Aug^t. 1780)

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