Stories By Alex Liu
Elon Musk and Raiders of the Lost Potato
(Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. ... This novel's story and characters are fictitious.)
In the beginning…
A long long time ago, a bunch of people grew potatoes. This was around 100 million B.C. Also, the people were dinosaurs. They lived in modern day North Korea. They called it “potato land.” Then, one day, a group of baby sharks attacked, but the ghost of George Washington scared them away. But the baby sharks stole all the potatoes and all their toilet paper. Without the potatoes, the dinosaurs were sad. Conveniently, after all the potatoes were stolen, it started raining, and sad violin music started playing, very convenient for a movie, or a, *cough* *cough* STORY. So, when all hope was lost, and the dinosaurs were about to resort to growing cabbage and corn instead, the spirit of a magical nine-year-old appeared, and gave them magical powers: the power to make potatoes. Oh yeah, they could also turn stuff into gold, but these are dinosaurs, so they don’t need gold, and potatoes were much more valuable. So, for the next 40 million years, they grew and harvested potatoes. Then one day they remembered, (a real conversation that they had), “Hey, didn’t we have the power to turn things into half eaten sardines?” “ No, wait, not fish, lasagna.” “No, not that either. Was it cheese? I hope it’s cheese.” Then, they thought. Cheese gud. Potato gud. Cheese + potato is supa gud. So they tried to turn three potatoes into cheese. After they turned the potatoes into gold, they were sad. Because it wasn’t cheese. And everyone loves cheese. But they tried to eat it anyway. After they realized that you can’t eat gold, they threw the potatoes away. They conveniently rolled on the ground for 7917.4 miles (it’s a joke, you just have to find out what it means) around the earth, the potatoes fell into a deep hole (eleven inches deep) and were never seen again.
Until 300 A.D., when a bunch of Aztecs on a remote island found them while fishing for fish. They also tried to eat the potatoes. But then, after they broke all their teeth, they thought that the potatoes were magical. So they built a huge ziggurat-shaped building(Mr. Defusco be proud of me) like the empire state building, which was hidden from the world for over 1,000 years. It was twenty-two miles tall. The Aztecs would frequently go to the ziggurat (which they called “Da Big Boi Tower”) to worship the potatoes. Sometimes the people would bring them gifts, such as avocados, or chocolate statues of Thanos. It was forbidden to bring the potatoes cabbages. If you did, you would be forced to eat only half eaten sardines for the rest of your sad life. And this went on for 1,719 years until 2019, when Elon Musk used Google Earth and saw that there was a huge island in the middle of the Atlantic and whispered, “It’s free real estate.”
Forget Mars, potatoes are where it’s at
TWELVE DAYS AGO… Elon Musk was sad. He got an idea that by strapping a couple of bottles of Diet Coke to his back and putting Mentos in them would launch him up to Mars. But it didn’t work. He only reached the Moon. After that, Elon Musk was broke. Probably wasn’t a good idea to buy 20 billion dollars worth of Coke and Mentos and then drinking most of it and dumping out the rest. Into his mouth. You get the point. After that, Elon Musk cried himself to sleep and woke up late next morning to watch Netflix all by himself while eating strawberry ice cream straight of the tub. For the next twelve days, his daily routine was waking up at 3 p.m., crying himself back to sleep until 4, physically rolling out of bed and making ramen noodles with his tears as water to boil the noodles for breakfast. Then, he would wrap himself up in a blanket like a burrito and eat strawberry, (and ONLY strawberry), ice cream as he watched reruns of The Office on Netflix for six hours. Then, he would cry himself to sleep again for six hours, before waking up and eating a roll of cookie dough. Then he would talk to some ladybugs for three hours and cry himself to sleep again and the whole process repeated again. Until one day, the ghost of George Washington returned.
George Washington looked at Elon Musk wrapped in a burrito blanket and he got really mad. But, like the kind-hearted soul he is, he decided that it was ok. But then Elon said, “Move, you’re blocking handsome Squidward's face.” George Washington turned around and saw that Elon Musk was watching Spongebob. George Washington just gave up. “Musk, just, just look on Google Earth.” Then, George Washington said “Zip zappity zoop!” and disappeared. Elon Musk kept watching Spongebob. George Washington reappeared and slapped Musk in the face with a half-eaten sardine. “LOOK, DO YOU JUST WANT TO SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING OR DO YOU WANT-” “Stop, stop, stop, stop, Peppa Pig is on.” George Washington completely gave up. George started to fade away when suddenly, Elon Musk popped open a bag of crisps. George Washington came up with an idea.
“Fine. If I can’t do anything about it, I know someone who can.” “Hey, why do you care about this so much?” “Because golden potatoes are delicious.” “Golden potatoes? What are gold-” “Shhhhhh, be quiet. I need to summon him.” “Who?” George Washington grinned. “I'm confused, are you about to sneeze? Or-” “SILENCE! It is time.” George Washington put the mind stone in the infinity gauntlet and snapped his finger as half the universe-wait, wait, wait. Wrong dimension. George Washington snapped his fingers and the finest British lad ever appeared. “Woah. Is that Big Chungus?” George Washington once again slapped Elon Musk in the face with a half-eaten sardine. “Show some respect, man! In front of you, is the one and only ghost of Winston Churchill!”
“Oi!! Listen to me, Washin’ton and look on Google Earth, ya bloke!!” Elon Musk sighed. “UUUGHHHHHHH, fine.” Elon Musk got out his phone and searched up Google Earth. He saw an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean the size of China. Elon Musk grinned as he whispered, “It’s free real estate.” George Washington leaned over and looked at Elon Musk, “Is that a meme?”
The Fam Squad
“Yes. That is indeed a meme. But now is not the time for memes.” Pewdiepie suddenly magically appears. “It’s always time for memes!” “AHHHHHHHH” They all scream. Elon Musk looks at Pewdiepie. “How did you get here?” “I was hiding in your closet. I was making a documentary about your life after, well, you know.” Everyone kept staring at Pewds. They stared for a good twelve seconds before Elon Musk said “Well, Ok. I’m bored. Come on! Let’s get that free real estate! And I think I know just the people who are willing to help us.” “Ooh, can I play too?” “Hmmm. Can you feature me on Meme Review?” “No.” “Deal!” Washington sighed. “Ugh, fine. But I want a share of the golden potatoes.” “I’ll do it for twelve bags of crisps.” “Fourteen, take it or leave it.” “Uhhhhhh, ok.” “Yeet. Now, time for a little trip.”
SHANE DAWSON’S HOUSE
Somewhere, on Earth
Everyone stared blankly at Shane Dawson’s house. Churchill said to Elon Musk, “Why are we, fine gentlemen, at this random bloke’s home?” “Hey, this random bloke has a name, and it’s Shane Dawson mind you. Ha, British slang.” “Mind you is not Bri-” “Besides, we’re just here to steal all his A&W root beer.” Suddenly, Shane Dawson’s window burst open. “Hey, guys! Guess what? I got 4 hours of sleep last night!”
“That’s great, Shane!” Elon Musk said, even though he clearly didn’t care. “Hey, can we have your A&W root beer?” “Ok, I’ll join your Fam Squad to try and find some golden potatoes!” At that moment, Shane went unconscious and fell out his fourth story window. Elon Musk made a face that was a mix of confusion and confusion. “Well, that’s one step closer to getting free real estate.” George Washington leaned over and said to Elon Musk, “We’re not trying to get free real estate, we’re trying to find gol-” Elon Musk then slapped George Washington in the face with a half-eaten sardine. “Onwards, to infinity and beyond!”