“Friendship from Preschool

to High School”

As social beings to a greater or lesser extent, friends play a very important role in our lives. Some more introverted less friendly, smaller and more intimate groups, others who like to be surrounded by many people and friends, whatever the case may be, friendship responds to a human need for affiliation, belonging, and intimacy. They have asked themselves: When do we begin as human beings to seek friendly relations? How do children begin to understand what a friend is? or Why do some teenagers frequently change groups of friends?

I must begin by telling parents, that the concept that children have of friendship and the ways in which they relate to their peers, if they vary as they grow, since friendship requires some cognitive and emotional development.

Children in Preschool usually play together, but the friendship between Elementary students is deeper and more stable. Children cannot be nor have true friends until they reach a certain cognitive maturity, which allows them to consider the opinions and needs of others and remember that in preschool children are in a stage of development that we call "egocentrism", where they find it difficult to put themselves in the place of the other.

That is to say that between 3 and 6 years of age, students are in the stage of friendship that we call "companionship or momentary play": Here children usually define their friends in terms of physical approximation and closeness, that is, with those who share more time, nothing more, are typically the classmates of their school, and if we ask them why one or the other is their friend, they give definitions in terms of material or physical attributes, for example: a 4-year-old child can To say that Luisito is his friend because he is strong as a superhero, or that he has some carts that he likes a lot and although they can already classify someone as “his best friend” this is based on the fact that both this partner does what the other ask, we call this “one-way assistance”, we hear this for example when “Laurita” says that “Claudia” is her best friend because she always goes with her to the slide and that “Valentin a ”is not her friend because she didn't want to go to that game.

In the Elementary School stage, what changes? How do children make friends? Well, at this stage the “two-way cooperation” appears, in it there is already a certain level of reciprocity and although the children still seek in a friendship relationship, to cover certain personal interests, it already implies an exchange between those who are related, that is to say I lend you my doll and you lend me your little house”, or “I share with you with my colors and you lend me your feathers when I need them”. Around 9 years and until middle adolescence, that is, approximately 13.14 years, a characteristic of friendship begins to occur, where relations become closer, intimate and shared, but “possession and exclusivity” appears, Here some children feel bad when they discover that "their best friend" also has other "friends" or at school we see the subgroups, where it turns out that they already "disjointed" the partner who played with another group of children. But do not be distressed, this process is back and forth and just as you ungroup, come back together, come, go, and your child sometimes has the role of "assembler" and sometimes he or she are the ones who divide, they are relationships Much dynamism and movement.

At this point, I would like to give you an interesting fact: having friends especially in elementary school is important, since it is known that children who are lacking friends in middle childhood can have long-term negative effects, as they become more likely that their peers have low self-esteem in early adulthood and show symptoms of depression.

And then they will ask, what usually causes peers to reject some children? This is a reason for recurring consultation for us child psychologists and among the reasons we find in the psychotherapeutic exploration with the child, they are related to aggressiveness, children who tend to be little cooperative with their peers or who communicate improperly, instead to dialogue and express what they feel, they often act on emotion, that is, if they get angry, they don't say it with their words, but they throw a blow for example, or if they are sad they isolate or cry. This expression of emotions is normal to some degree, but as children develop more complex language and thinking, they should be able to talk with their friends about what they like and what they don't, but sometimes these little ones who They tend to be rejected, tend to be little empathetic, to hurt either with their words or actions to others, and the logical consequence is that peers move away from them. Here the advice for you parents is to teach your children to speak and manage assertively when they feel upset, sad, frustrated and so on, without hurting other classmates. This is of the utmost importance that they work before children turn 9 or 10 years old, since if not, these children can become hostile partners with others and in the adolescence roles of aggressors work, running the risk of being young With serious social problems.

In adolescence, the concept of friendship is in what psychologists say an “autonomous interdependence”, that is to say that children respect the needs of both dependence and autonomy of their friends, this implies that the majority already knows that each person is independent and capable of deciding who to be with, at the end of primary and early secondary, they are aware that to have a friendship, good things must be given, they hope to receive the same in return, but they also know that as well as they can receive what they expect from a friend, maybe not, and some are more easily able than others to let someone go.

A frequent question among Middle School parents is whether students can distinguish and who are good or true friends from those who are not, the answer is that cognitively yes, they are already prepared to understand this, now another important thing, is that in the extent to which they can also give positive things that pay for a friendship, is that they will also seek friendly relations that return those good things that they give, otherwise they will tend to move away. It is worth noting here that for this to happen, children must have a healthy self-esteem that allows them to say “NO”, set limits to others and walk away without guilt from people who bother them, this same healthy self-esteem is what allows Also give empathy, cooperation, friendship and not disturb others either. In summary, in adolescence, relations are already reciprocal, that is, what I give and vice versa.

From this period of his son's life and all Middle & High School, the group of friends becomes especially important, as they become a source of affection, solidarity, and understanding. Through friendships, a place is generated for experimentation and a scenario for the trial and error of becoming autonomous and independent beings of the parents, say that this is a definitive essay for what will be adult intimacy.

But they have observed that although adolescents generally have one or two closest and individual friendships, a very marked phenomenon of “small groups” formation also begins, this is a type of organization that occurs much more at this stage than in previous stages. we can begin to see it already from the final cycles of primary school and it is not based so much on personal affectivity, but on the image or identity, that is to say that, adolescents when seeing themselves within a certain group of friends, cover a very psychological need human, that is the one of belonging and mainly of identity search, for them it is a first attempt or way of becoming a social map, if they observe each of these groups it has certain characteristics or labels: “Los nerds”, “The stuck ups”, “the athletes”, “the relaxes” etc. This is normal and is part of the social learning that all human beings go through, but don't worry, over the years these affiliations tend to become more flexible.

As parents, what can you expect to see from your teenage children in friendship? As it is very likely that the intensity and importance of friendships and the amount of time spent with friends are greater than the time they want to spend with the family, in adolescence more than at any other time in the life cycle of friends they take on a particular importance and little by little as these teenagers grow up, the friendships that are less satisfactory for them, those that do not respond to the values that the adolescent adopts as a person, lose importance or are abandoned.

Later almost in the final stages of adolescence, between the ages of 18 and 25, young people will seek friendly relations, that accept them with their qualities and defects, friends who support and help each other achieve goals and objectives, that are heard each other and are a source of solidarity and affection, from then on if successfully overcomes adolescence, adult friendships be with values and similar principles are shared interdependence where all parties are benefited, will seek relationships that contribute and those that remain in their lives will be avoided.

Stay tuned for all informative articles, conferences, workshops and other activities that we have scheduled for ISQ families.

If you have more questions or suggestions write to me at isq.seguro@isq.edu.mx

Psic. Alejandra Morales Arroyo

ISQ Safe Program