It’s never too early to talk with children about gender. Kids are attuned to gender, and receive social messages about gender all the time. Clothes, colors, sports and hairstyles, as well as behavioral and friendship expectations, all tell kids that boy vs. girl determines a lot about them. Yet children are also generally more playful, tolerant and open-minded than adults! Most kids are used to the idea of playing a male or female character in a role play, and it doesn’t faze them when they learn that for some people, their assigned gender doesn’t match how they feel inside. Sharing your own knowledge and asking what your child thinks are two ways to open up the topic of gender. It doesn’t have to be a big deal! 

Here are some ideas to get you started:

•  Ask what’s more important: whether you’re a boy or girl, or whether you’re kind and responsible. Ask why.

• Tell your child that some people think pink is a girl color and ties are for men. Does your child agree? Why or why not? Can clothes and colors have a gender?

• Tell your child that years ago, a woman wouldn’t have been allowed to be a doctor. Ask what they think about this.

• Explain to your child that “gender” means whether you feel like a boy, a girl, both, neither, or something else inside. These feelings can change over time, but usually if the feelings are very strong, they stay the same.

• Tell your child that for most people, their body (what they look like on the outside) matches their gender (who they feel like on the inside). Explain that the only real way to tell someone’s gender is to ask them.

• Tell your child about your own gender. What does it feel like to be you? Have you always felt that way?

• Ask your child about their gender. What does it feel like to be them?

• Share with your child that rarely, a person feels like both a boy and a girl, like neither a boy nor a girl, or like something else entirely. Depending on your beliefs and traditions, think with your child about where gender may come from: the brain, the heart, and the spirit or soul are possible ideas.

Gender Basics:

• Sex assigned at birth

  • This is what is listed on a newborn baby's birth certificate. Adults involved in the baby's birth say whether the baby appears female or male.

• Gender Binary

• The idea that everyone is either a girl or a boy, and that we can tell who’s a boy or a girl just by what they look like at birth. In fact, children and adults have a gender identity—a clear sense of who they are—which may not fit the binary “box” they’re put into. 

• Binary means “in twos.”

• Cisgender (say “sis-gender”)

• A word to describe someone whose body and gender match. Most people are cisgender. Cisgender is also called “gender-conforming” because one’s gender conforms to (matches) one’s body.

• Gender-nonconforming

• A word to describe anyone whose gender identity does not match the body they were born with. Two examples are:

• Transgender.... and Non-binary

• A transgender person knows he is a boy, but he was called a girl at birth. Or she knows she is a girl, but she was called a boy at birth. A non-binary person has a gender that doesn’t fit neatly into the category of boy or girl. People are happier and healthier when they are seen and understood as who they really are.

• Gender Expression

  • This is how you choose to present yourself to the world--which clothes you wear, how you style your hair, how you walk and talk. Gender expression is how you express your gender identity. There are a never-ending number of ways to express you gender identity.

• Ally

• An ally is a person who actively stands up against unfair treatment of someone else. No matter what your gender is, you can be an ally by speaking up for kindness and respect for everyone. You can be an ally by calling people by the name and pronouns (she, he, they, etc.) they prefer to be called by, and by saying NO to bullying.

What Should I Teach My Elementary School Aged Child bout Identity? 

Explaining Nonbinary: How to Talk to Kids About Gender 

An Age-By-Age Guide to Talking to Your Kids About Gender 

The Gender Wheel 

Amaze 

Translate Gender 

Gender Spectrum 

Trans Youth Equality Foundation

• It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity By: Theresa Thorn

• A House for Everyone: A Story to Help Children Learn about Gender Identity and Gender Expression By: Jo Hirst

• Introducing Teddy: A Gentle Story About Gender and Friendship By: Jessica Walton

• The Gender Wheel By: Maya Gonzales

• I Am Jazz By: Jessica Herthel & Jazz Jennings

• A Princess of Great Daring By:  Tobi Hill-Meyer

• Neither By:  Airlie Anderson

• Annie's Plaid Shirt By:  Stacy Davids

• From the Stars in the Sky to the Fish in the Sea By: Kai Cheng Thom

• Julian Is a Mermaid By: Jessica Love

• Who Are You?: The Kids Guide to Gender Identity By: Brook Pessin-Whedbee

• They She He Me: Free to Be! By: Maya Christina Gonzalez & Matthew Smith-Gonzalez