Must be something wrong with me. Not good enough. Whole body activation, tense, clenched jaw, tight belly, shallow breathing, tingly, freezy.

With compassion I’m able to offer these younger parts of me the love, hugs, gentle presence they needed, they still need. Shifting attention to heart space, to breath, I am reminded of my innate lovingness, wholeness, enoughness, just as I am. Connected to all, part of all. Joy, happiness, longing, loved. Softening in the body

I’m continuing to gain more compassionate awareness of how this lack of enoughness/unworthiness has guided so much of my life. Creating separation. Creating rigidity in body and mind. Seeking more through external measures – education/certifications, materialism, attachments….creating more separation and emptiness when the unworthiness continues to arise. Leading to unhealthy compensations and distractions. I still struggle with this (little judgy voice comes in about doing so much therapy over the years and continuing to struggle). At times I have a knowing, a sense that slowing down, returning to stillness/my mat will likely break the cycle, the conditioning. Yet at times I’m hesitant, scared….to feel the emotions that arise. To feel all that I’m walking around with. It builds and creates more distance, more disconnection from myself and all around me.

Lastly, this quote by Ram Das has been popping into my mind lately:

That when you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You appreciate it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “You’re too this, or I’m too this.” That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are. ---Ram Das

First of all, THANK YOU. What a beautiful reflection. Very courageous and sincere exploration. And such wisdom coming through with the turning towards compassion and softness. And finding the heart-space in the body. I am so happy that you are remembering at deeper and deeper levels: I am reminded of my innate lovingness, wholeness, enoughness, just as I am. YES! The discovery of one's innate enoughness is so liberating.

Thank you for this sincere noticing: Yet at times I’m hesitant, scared….to feel the emotions that arise. To feel all that I’m walking around with. It builds and creates more distance, more disconnection from myself and all around me.

That is really beautiful. Its a vulnerable feeling to "see" or sense how vast we are. How we contain everything and absolutely nothing at all, in the same moment . And as the sense of one's inherent worth begins to grow and the judge's commentary begins to quiet there is a space where the Awareness of all that is, the Ground of all being is directly experienced. Like the sun suddenly shining through the clouds. And we see that the shared Ground has no story. True Nature IS spaciousness itself. And there is space for all that we are, even the parts we are scared of, the parts we have stuffed away. And to be really honest for a while it can be kind of a rock 'n roll show of buried emotions sort of bursting up and out. Kind of like vomiting up bad food. But that is the opportunity for even more compassionate understanding, gentleness and recognition of THAT which is unmoved, unchanged, and abiding through all circumstances.

As I read and pondered the first and second Inquires, I felt like your questions were gently leading me.

On the topic of unworthiness, I realized those feeling for me have originated and resided very much in my physicality as opposed to my mentality.

Hence I have been driven/drawn to more of a life of the mind/intellect (Books!) and have relied on my powers of emotionality and rationality rather

than on my physicality/athletic ability/looks.

“Is awareness subject to these beliefs, thoughts, emotions?”

It struck me that Awareness is not ruled by these but rather, exists as an undercurrent, flowing beneath the life script.

But if IT was shifted to the foreground then the beliefs, thoughts and emotions would be shifted to the undercurrent.

Then the “unworthiness scenario” would also shift to the undercurrent rather than the forefront.

How?? Is it just a matter of attention?

Your second Inquiry led me on to the “how”

The words that resonated for me were:

Liberated Heartfelt Wholeness Embodied (I think this is my new mantra – or needs to be on a T shirt)

Inhabiting the Holy Instant in the Simplicity of Immediate Response-Ability (I melded two of yours)

and all of Adya’s words.

Thank you, thank you for the beautiful and deep inquiring. I always enjoy and appreciate your insights.

“Is awareness subject to these beliefs, thoughts, emotions?”

It struck me that Awareness is not ruled by these but rather, exists as an undercurrent, flowing beneath the life script.

But if IT was shifted to the foreground then the beliefs, thoughts and emotions would be shifted to the undercurrent.

Then the “unworthiness scenario” would also shift to the undercurrent rather than the forefront.

How?? Is it just a matter of attention?

Thank you for lending yourself to the second part of the inquiry! YES! Yes. Exactly. I love the way you say "it struck me". Isn't that the case? It dawns, it strikes, it breaks through. And the word "undercurrent". Yes. Awareness is amidst and amongst, "beneath", below, beyond, before all of the script. Unborn. Uncreated. Here and Now. And we are THAT. Hallelujah! The discovery of a lifetime. The more we practice shifting our attention to the present Presence, the always and already, the more the attention begins to rest there. Eventually the identity itself shifts, or is absorbed back into the essential Awareness.