Alumni News

BOOK PUBLICATION
When Love Isn’t the Problem: The Power of Intentional Communication in Marriage

In his therapy practice, Eli Weinstein, LCSW, MSW ’17, noticed a pattern. Couples were struggling, but not because they didn’t love each other. Their issues stemmed from comparison, measuring their real lives against someone else’s highlight reel.

He calls it the “expectation-perception trap.”

Weinstein said people shape their idea of a successful relationship based on what they’ve seen: their parents’ marriage, a favorite television show, carefully curated social media posts. When real life doesn’t measure up to that imagined standard, they get disappointed.

“A lot is the idea of comparison — ‘Oh, well, this couple is going on vacation, and look, they’re matching outfits,’” he said.

But what happens next is where the real damage occurs. Instead of naming and expressing their frustration, couples bottle it up. Then, resentment festers in response to an image that was never reality.

“You have to remember: they are setting up the camera to make it look like everything’s good,” he said. “You’re comparing yourself to fakeness. What you’re seeing is curated perfection.”

When couples fall victim to the expectation-perception trap, communication is key, Weinstein says. But it’s a skill, not an inherent talent. It takes work.

In his new book, From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years, Weinstein offers couples the tools to overcome these challenges and rebuild connection with intention.

The “No-BS” Guide to Successful Relationships

Set to release this month, From I Do to We Do offers concrete insights and practical tools Weinstein has gained from over a decade of experience helping couples. He delivers the information in what he calls a “no-BS” style, getting straight to the point so readers can apply the knowledge immediately.

“That’s what’s needed when people come to marriage therapy and counseling … a takeaway,” Weinstein said. “Every session, that’s just what I do. At some point, you should either have a question you’re dealing with, be talking to each other about, or a practical skill or a tool that you can hopefully take home.”

The book’s lessons apply to all spouses, Weinstein said, spanning the relationship gamut from newlyweds to those in a later season, whether they have children or not. 

“[A lot of books in this space are] either a relationship book that deals with a relationship, or a parenting book on how to be a better parent,” he said. “There is no crossover book, and that’s what this is. It’s 80% a relationship book for any couple, and 20% — if you happen to have kids — how not to kill each other so you [can]be better parents.” 

Adding to Life’s List of Priorities

For couples who do have children or are becoming accustomed to married life, Weinstein said, one struggle sometimes arises: They get so caught up in being a good parent or spouse that they feel they’re losing a part of themselves. 

Weinstein tells readers to frame these inevitable changes as additions to their priorities, not losses of identity. That mindset shift can help us remember that the person we’ve always been is still there, but that person has chosen to prioritize new experiences. 

“You’re not deleting anything, you’re adding to your list of priorities. So now it’s your choice on how you organize it,” Weinstein said. 

Weinstein offered a simple example: imagine someone who used to hike every weekend. After getting married or having a child, those weekends look different — and it can feel like a part of them has atrophied.

But it hasn’t disappeared. The hikes may be less frequent, he said, but they’re still part of that person’s identity — just no longer the top priority in every season.

“That one week, [priorities]one to five is different than another week, and that is just the adjustment and pivot to the other person’s priorities,” he said. “That’s love — you’re showing care, you’re showing kindness, you’re just prioritizing.”

Adding Your Own Spin on the Strategy

Relationship dynamics are sensitive, and your partner usually notices when you’re not being yourself. So, how can someone implement Weinstein’s strategies without feeling like a phony, or like an outsider is controlling their marriage?

Weinstein said that while each chapter in the book offers an actionable takeaway, nothing is written in stone and must be completed exactly as the book says. One example: the rompus moment. 

What is a rompus moment? Weinstein explained that it’s a buy-in to a safe conversation, where one partner has something on their heart that they want to air out. So, they ask their partner for a “rompus moment,” where they can express their feelings right then and there — no judgment, no fighting, just expression. 

Weinstein’s inspiration for the rompus moment was Where the Wild Things Are, one of his favorite books. However, he explained that if you don’t like the word “rompus,” you don’t have to use it. Couples should adapt the language to what comes naturally to them. What’s important is following through on the exercise’s purpose — a safe space for expression between people who love one another.

“These are just inspirational contexts to then take into your own life — and if it’s not something you want to do, but you think it could help, what’s the harm in trying?” Weinstein said.

Training the Next Generation of Clinicians

The relational principles Weinstein teaches couples — communication, intentionality, curiosity, and accountability — also define strong clinical social work.

For current and future MSW students, he says, those skills begin in the classroom, in field placements, and in the relationships built with peers and mentors.

“Really invest in those relationships — with your colleagues, your coworkers, your classmates,” he said. “Don’t forget about those relationships, because they will come back to help you. We’re all here to help each other.”

For Weinstein, whether working with couples or mentoring future clinicians, the goal is the same: build relationships that last.

Read more about From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years and purchase your copy here.